I Take Pride In What I Am 2020
Prompt: Love
May 11, 2021
"Hana, Hana!"
Hana Dragneel had been helping Wendy and Chelia clean up the kids' area of the daycare center now that the Dads Club meeting was over. She looked up to see her best friend, Temperance Alberona, practically dancing with excitement.
"What is it?"
"Grampy called Mom, and she said you can stay over as long as your dad said it was okay," Temperance squealed.
Hana squealed along with her, she'd always wanted to go to a sleepover. Back when they still lived in Edolas, she hadn't been allowed. Both her parents had said she was too young, but she was seven and a half now, and after a somewhat rough start in Magnolia, she'd finally managed to make some friends. She just knew her dad would be okay with it now.
She decided to ask that very second, too excited to wait. Knowing he had walked Uncle Gray and Aki to their car while she and Atlas helped to clean up, she ran down the hallway of the community center and pushed the heavy door open, ready to call out to him.
But no sound came out.
Hana watched with mounting confusion as her dad and Uncle Gray smiled at each other before her father kissed him on the lips. A long kiss, one like she had seen him give her mother hundreds of times before.
All thoughts of sleepovers vanished from her mind as she suddenly felt like someone had kicked her in the stomach and stole all of her breath.
Hana let the door close softly and walked back to the daycare center somewhat in a daze. She didn't really understand what she had just seen, but the more she thought about it, the more it felt like her dad had done something wrong.
She'd watched him cry over her mother for months after her death. Had grown up seeing how happy they had been together. So why? Why would her dad be kissing anyone, let alone another man? And what did it mean?
Temperance was waiting for her at the entrance of the daycare.
"Well? What did he say?"
"I didn't ask," Hana mumbled, still caught up in her thoughts.
"Why not?" Temperance asked, her eyes narrowing as she inspected Hana. "Hey, are you okay? You look funny."
Hana only shook her head and watched Atlas entertain himself with some toy Wendy had given him.
Temperance grabbed Hana by the hand and dragged her over to a quiet corner, "Seriously, you're freaking me out, what happened?"
"I saw my dad kissing someone," Hana confessed, and she almost wished she hadn't because saying the words out loud made what she had seen that much more real.
Temperance rolled her eyes, "Is that all?"
Hana was near tears, but she was desperately trying to hide it, not wanting to bring attention to herself.
"My mom kisses people all the time," Temperance shrugged, "it's no big deal."
Hana bit her lip, mulling that over. Maybe Temperance was right, maybe it was just something adults did. But deep down, she knew it wasn't something her dad did, or he wouldn't be keeping it from them.
It made her feel like he was forgetting her mother, and she didn't like it. It made her angry, and she wondered as she often did when something happened to one of them, what her mother would think of it when she looked down at them from heaven.
"Hana, Atlas, it's time to go home."
"I have to go," Hana muttered, "please don't tell anyone."
"Who am I gonna tell?" Temperance pointed out, "Besides, I don't even know who you saw him with."
She gave her friend a wave and walked towards her father, who already had Atlas in his arms. She couldn't bear to look at him, so she stared at the floor instead.
"You okay, Hanabanana? You're looking kind of pale," Her dad ruffled her hair gently, and even though she heard the concern in his voice, the question made her uncomfortable because she didn't really have an answer.
So for the first time in her life, she lied to her father. Although the way she saw it, he'd lied first. "Yeah, I think I ate too many snacks."
"Sounds like something Atlas would do," her father laughed, sounding happier than he had in a long time. "Do you want me to carry you?"
That made her feel even worse about her reaction. She loved her father, wanted him to be happy after being sad for so long. The conflict raging inside her was giving her a headache, and she wholeheartedly wished she had never gone looking for him.
Hana shook her head, grabbing on to his hand as they walked out of the building and to their car. She remained quiet the whole ride home, letting Atlas babble on in his baby voice that she still found cute. Aki talked like that too.
Daddy had Uncle Gray, Atlas had Aki. What about her? Where did she fit in? Maybe they'd leave her with Aunty Erza, she thought sullenly.
0-0
Aunty Erza had been surprised when she went straight up to her room, rather than begging to stay up to watch a show as she usually did. She could hear her asking her father what was wrong and felt guilty all over again when she heard him repeating her lie, although she could tell he didn't sound entirely convinced.
She went into the bathroom she shared with her aunt to brush her teeth, hearing her father's phone ring as she went back into her bedroom to get ready for bed.
Hana heard muffled talking and ignored it, changing out of her clothes and into her pajamas before climbing into bed. She pulled the covers over her head, stubbornly determined to fall asleep before her dad could come to read her a bedtime story and tuck her in.
She hadn't counted on Atlas sneaking into her room.
"Ana?"
She remained quiet, hoping he'd go away, but Atlas climbed on her bed instead. Hana could hear his little giggles as he crawled up towards her, quickly realizing with a groan that he thought she was playing a game.
"Where Ana?" Atlas asked in a singsong voice.
He grabbed her covers and pulled them off her head, giggling the whole time.
"Poun you, Ana!" he squealed cheerfully before giving her a wet kiss and crawling under the covers with her.
"Go away, Atlas," she grumbled, but it was hard to stay mad when he was flashing that toothy slobbery grin of his.
"Atlas ide?"
She was about to answer when she heard her father's footsteps coming up the stairs. Atlas took the opportunity to grab the covers and pull them up until they covered their heads, giggling excitedly at continuing the game.
Hana tensed at the familiar knock on the open door, and before she could answer, Atlas covered his mouth with his finger urging her to play along.
So she did. She waited for her dad to play along like he always did, but the only sound was of Atlas giggling, unable to remain silent even if his life depended on it.
"I righ ere, Daddy," Atlas called out after the silence had dragged on, coming out from under the covers and looking for his father.
"Yeah," her father picked him up and hugged him tightly to his chest, kissing his head softly.
"Uhm, your Aunty Erza was looking for someone to share a cookie with. You think you can help her with that, Buddy?"
Atlas nodded and squirmed until his father put him down, "Come on, I'll walk you down the stairs."
A few minutes later, her father was once again knocking gently on her door.
"Can I come in?"
Hana didn't trust herself to answer, so she nodded instead, sitting up on her bed to make room. She found herself hugging her father, somehow understanding that things were about to change again and needing that small reassurance from him.
"Are you feeling any better?" he asked, gently rubbing her back.
Hana shook her head, feeling a little bad about lying earlier, but at least this was true. She wasn't feeling any better at all. She let her eyes follow her comforter's patterns, not trusting herself to look at her dad.
"Aunty Cana called me a little bit ago," he remarked, and Hana could feel the bed shake slightly from the bouncing of his knee.
She tensed up, knowing what that meant.
Stupid Temperance, she'd blabbed to her mother when she'd promised not to!
Her hands bunched into fists, upset at being forced into a conversation she wasn't anywhere near ready for.
She couldn't seem to come up with any words, especially not after looking up and noticing her dad chewing his lip, something he only did when he was nervous.
"That, uhm, that must have been pretty upsetting for you to see."
Hana found herself nodding at his words, her lip quivering and her eyes welling with tears as she remembered not what she had seen that evening, but other moments back when her mother had been alive, and they had all been happy. It felt like so long ago, and she missed it so much.
"Right," he muttered, hiding his face in his hands for a few minutes.
"Don't you love Mommy anymore?" Hana couldn't help but ask.
"What?" her dad straightened up, and he was staring at her with a bewildered expression. "Of course I still love her!" he immediately protested, "I will always love her, but she's not with us anymore, Hana."
He sighed and lowered his head, staring at his wedding ring as he wriggled his fingers, "When your mom died, I thought I'd never love someone again, and I was okay with that. I didn't expect any of this to happen."
"But Daddy, Uncle Gray is a boy. Mommy was a girl, I don't understand," Hana prodded.
"Yeah," he gave her a half-smile, "I'm still getting used to that, but Uncle Gray being a boy doesn't really change how I feel about him."
She screwed up her courage and asked the one thing that was really bothering her. "Are you going to marry him?"
His chuckle echoed loudly in her room, "Is that what you're worried about?"
She nodded shyly and felt his hand on her head, petting her gently before his fingers combed through her hair the way she had always liked, and she allowed herself to relax into it, no longer feeling as worried as she had earlier.
"I think it's a bit too early to be thinking about that, we've only been dating for a few weeks. But even if it were to happen at some point, it wouldn't change how I feel about you and your brother, or even about your mom."
He stopped his petting to smile at her. "I'm not looking to replace her, Sweetheart. Right now, Uncle Gray and I are just enjoying spending time together. Although, now that you know, maybe we could... include you guys a little?" he suggested hesitantly, meeting her gaze and wiping away a tear that had rolled down her cheek with his thumb. "Would you like that?"
She bit her lip, not really sure how she felt about it. She liked Uncle Gray and Aki, but would she be betraying her mom by accepting her father's new relationship? Would it be okay to do the things they once did with her with them?
Hana thought back to what she had seen, how happy her dad had looked, and she didn't want to be the one to ruin that for him, but she couldn't say she was comfortable with it.
"I don't know," she hedged, "Can I think about it?"
"Sure," he smiled, giving her one of his warm hugs, "Take all the time you want."
They both turned to the door as they heard Atlas come in, already dressed in his PJ's and carrying a book. Moving to the large rocking chair near her bookcase, Hana and Atlas climbed on their father's lap and snuggled with him as he read them a bedtime story.
0-0
May 23, 2021
From that day on, whenever her father and Uncle Gray were in the same place, Hana couldn't help but watch them, trying her hardest to understand what was between them.
It was a little confusing. When they walked together, they didn't hold hands, but occasionally their hands would touch briefly. And although Hana had not seen them kiss again, she had to admit it was undeniable there was something there.
Even when they argued- which was often, another thing that confused her seeing as she had rarely seen her parents arguing- there was always some gesture to show they didn't mean it. Sometimes it was a quick hand squeeze, other times a teasing grin.
And it was nice to see her dad smile again. She'd even caught him singing along to the radio a few times, something she had definitely missed. He wasn't quite back to his old self by any means, but he was making strides, and she had to admit he still acted the same. Her mother's altar always had fresh flowers, they still lit her favorite candles when they visited with her every Sunday.
Even though her father went out on dates, he still made sure to spend time with her and Atlas, and he clearly hadn't forgotten about her mother. Hana couldn't really find any fault with his behavior, but she still didn't quite feel comfortable with it either.
And it made her feel lousy because she knew she was being unfair. If her dad wasn't forgetting her mother now that he was in love with someone else, what was her problem?
"Oh, Hana! I thought you went with the others."
Hana was startled out of her thoughts by her Aunt Mira entering the living room.
"Nah, I didn't feel like ice cream," she replied, stretching out on one of the room's large couches.
"I see," her aunt replied, studying her briefly before teasing, "That's unusual."
Hana shrugged her shoulders, not really wanting to get into it, especially with her mother's sister.
"That's too bad, it's a good day for it," Mira commented as she looked out the window.
"How come you didn't go?" Hana asked, curious as to whether her aunt shared her misgivings.
"Just wanted some peace and quiet, Erza's bringing me something back, "she explained as she grabbed a candle lighter to light the candle on her mother's altar.
Hana smiled as the scent of lavender vanilla filled the room. She watched as Mira dusted the framed picture of her mother before setting it back down on the altar, and after primping up the flowers in the vase, she grabbed a floor cushion and knelt on it.
"Hey Lis, it's been a while. Let's see what's new? Oh! Elfman has a crush on someone, but he won't tell me who it is. I think it's that girl Evergreen, who works at 8 Island. He's so cute when he's around her."
"What are you doing?" Hana asked as she watched her aunt with interest.
"Just chatting with your mom, I like to keep her up to date on what's going on," Mira winked.
She must have seen the puzzled look on Hana's face because she smiled kindly at her and gestured for her to join her. "When your mom was alive, we used to talk on the phone all the time. Do you remember that?"
Hana nodded, remembering her mom giggling on the phone and squealing her aunt's name. She left her spot on the sofa to sit next to her aunt on the large floor cushion.
"I miss that, so sometimes when your daddy isn't around, I like to talk to her. It helps to keep her with me a little. Does that make sense?" Mira grabbed her hand and squeezed it.
Hana nodded, thinking about it. When they did their weekly visit, it was always all of them, but she'd noticed her dad sometimes talked to her mom on his own too.
"You could do that too, you know. You don't have to wait until Sunday. You could tell her about your day, or if something was bothering you," Mira glanced at her pointedly before turning her attention back to the altar.
"Anyway, where was I? Oh yes! Natsu went on another date last weekend with that guy I told you about. I think it's going well, he seems a little happier. He still won't look at me when they're together, though." Mira sighed, "I think he thinks I'm upset with him or something."
"Aren't you?" Hana interrupted, covering her mouth with her hand as she realized what she'd done.
"Why would I be?" Mira peered at her, seemingly confused by her question.
"Because Uncle Gray isn't mom," Hana replied, bowing her head, afraid to see her aunt's reaction.
"No, he isn't," Mira agreed, "and he's not trying to be."
Hana felt arms surround her as her aunt hugged her. "Hana, your mom loved your dad with all of her heart. She would have wanted him to find love again exactly because she loved him so much. It would break her heart to see him sad all the time."
"I know it might feel strange to you to see him with someone else, it took a little getting used to for me too. But do you remember how he was, even just a few months ago? Isn't this better?"
"Yeah," she knew her aunt was right, her dad had been miserable. There had been many times when she'd woken up in the middle of the night and heard him crying in his room.
"So what's bothering you then? Is it that Gray is a boy?"
Hana shook her head, "I thought it was at first, but Uncle Sting and Uncle Rogue are both boys, and they're in love with each other too. I don't mind that, I just- I'm not sure how I feel about Uncle Gray, I don't know himthat well..."
"Then give him a chance, get to know him," Mira suggested, "That's not going to happen if you keep refusing to spend time with them, though."
Hana pouted. She knew this; both her father and Uncle Gray asked her to come along every time, and they always brought her back a treat even though she'd chosen to stay home with Aunty Erza. But still, the idea of spending time with Gray and Aki outside of club meetings continued to scare her. She didn't know why it was so, and she wished she could be like Atlas and just go with the flow.
"It's not that I don't want to," she tried to explain, but once again, the words escaped her." I just, ugh, I don't know!" she groaned in frustration,
"Do you think maybe it has nothing to do with Gray and Aki, and everything to do with you?"
"What do you mean?" Hana puzzled.
Mira grabbed her mother's picture and handed it to her to look at.
"Someone you loved very much disappeared from your life unexpectedly." her aunt talked as Hana studied the picture, feeling the familiar pain at seeing her mother's face and not being able to touch her.
"Atlas is still very young, so he doesn't really remember her, but you do. That hurt runs much deeper for you. You've only just begun to come out from under it, just like your father. I know it's hard to think about moving on, but there is a place for you with them. All you have to do is take it."
Hana gaped at her aunt, not wanting to even consider moving on from her mother.
"Hana, just because you love your mother, doesn't mean you can't also love Gray and Aki, but I'm starting to think that's not the problem at all."
Mira looked at the picture with a sad smile, putting a hand over one of Hana's as she held it, "I think the reason you're keeping your distance from Gray and Aki is that you're afraid of getting hurt again. That if you did let yourself get attached to them, they might disappear too."
Hana squeezed her eyes shut, the words hitting too close to home to ignore. Her shoulders began to shake as she cried out, "I miss her so much!"
"I know, Baby. I miss her too, but you can't close yourself off to new people because of it," her aunt grabbed the picture out of her hands, putting it back in its place before pulling Hana to her chest, kissing her head as she let her cry. "Your mom wouldn't have wanted that for you either."
Once she'd calmed down, Mira let go and continued chatting to her mother. Hana remained silent, considering her words and wondering whether there might be some truth to them. Mira had just blown out the candle when the front door opened, and Atlas ran in, followed by Aki and the others.
"We oomee!" he hugged Hana, then moved over to jump in Mira's lap, proceeding to tell her all about the fun they'd had.
Hana moved out of the way to give her little brother some time with their aunt, and realizing how she must look, she hurried outside before her father or Aunty Erza could notice.
"I got this for you, your dad said it was your favorite," she heard a voice in the backyard and froze until she realized Uncle Gray hadn't noticed her yet. He was pacing the length of the yard while holding a cup from the ice cream shop in one of his hands.
"Ugh, that's terrible," he muttered to himself, "It's such a hot day, I thought you might like a shake. Oh God, that's even worse. Think, Fullbuster."
Hana wanted to flee, but she forced herself to stay where she was, her aunt's words still ringing in her ears.
Uncle Gray reached the end of the yard and turned around, stopping in his tracks when he noticed her. His free hand immediately moved to the back of his neck, and he seemed embarrassed, but he made his way towards her nonetheless.
She could feel his gaze on her as he got closer, and remembering why she'd come outside, she quickly pretended to study the grass.
"Are you okay, Hana?"
Hearing the concern in his voice, she had no choice but to look up at him. She sniffled, wishing she had a tissue and knowing she probably looked a mess. "I'm fine," she responded before remembering her manners. "Uhm, thanks."
"Here you go," Uncle Gray offered her a pack of pocket tissues. She blinked at him, and he offered her a small smile, "Take them, Aki's always making a mess, so I usually have some handy."
Hana accepted the pack, using a tissue to wipe her eyes and blow her nose.
"Your dad said you liked Cookies and Cream milkshakes, so I, uhm, I got you one." he held out the cup she'd noticed earlier, and she suddenly understood what he'd been doing earlier.
She gaped at him, so startled to realize she'd never given any thought to how her constant rejection might have made him feel that she didn't even think to accept the offered shake.
"It's okay if you don't want it though, I just thought-," he turned away from her, but not before she got a glimpse at the disappointment on his face. He rallied, offering her a smile, "You know what? I'll just go put it in the fridge for later."
That expression made her feel terrible. How often had Uncle Gray tried to do something nice for her only to have her say she didn't want it? Yet here he was, not giving up, even though he was obviously expecting her to say no.
She watched him walk towards the door that would let him into the breakfast nook and made a decision.
"No, wait!"
Uncle Gray turned to look at her, one eyebrow raised in question.
"I do want it," she said hurriedly, holding her arm out for the cup.
"Oh! Here you go," he handed her the drink and straw he pulled out of his pocket.
"Thank you," she attempted a smile, a little disheartened by how astonished he looked to see it.
Had she been that bad?
"Sure," he mumbled, shoving his hands in his pockets and standing awkwardly next to her. When a few seconds had passed in silence, he announced, "Uhm, I should probably get inside."
"I don't mind if you stay," Hana replied, sitting down in one of the deck chairs and drinking some of her shake.
"Okay," he sat in one of the other chairs, stealing occasional glances at her.
They talked for a little while, mostly about Aki and Atlas and other people they had in common, both avoiding the topic of her father in an unspoken agreement. Hana discovered that despite how loud Uncle Gray could be when he was with her father, he also had a quiet, soft-spoken side to him that she liked. He told funny stories, and she already knew that he was kind from watching him with the boys and knowing how he helped her father study for that big test.
She still wasn't sure how she felt about him, but it was a start, and Hana was glad she'd followed her aunt's advice.
With that thought in mind, she hopped off her seat to toss her empty milkshake cup into the trash can. When she returned, she noticed her dad watching them through the window. He flashed her a beaming smile before turning away, making her feel happy to know that he was proud of her.
Aki came out looking for his father, climbing on his lap as Atlas trailed behind him. Her aunts and father soon followed, and preparations soon began for a barbecue. Her father squeezed Uncle Gray's shoulder, sitting next to him and taking his hand in his. They soon started to bicker in the way they always did, and Hana could only shake her head at how incredibly stupid their argument was, laughing out loud when a glare from Aunty Erza was enough to get them to stop.
Aki and Atlas chased each other around the yard, babbling at each other in a language all their own while her aunts brought out trays of food to be cooked. The whole scene made her smile. These people were all part of her family, and Hana felt a warmth bloom in her chest as she realized she was finally ready to take her place with them.