.
.
Izuna sits across from his date at the table.
Madara watches. His little brother, a man who awakened the Mangekyou Sharingan and brought the entire Senju army to its knees, glares awkwardly at the kunoichi sipping on her bubble tea.
Madara yanks Izuna by the arm.
"Watching you is painful. I will show you how to talk to a woman."
Izuna blinks. Madara scowls and crosses his arms.
Izuna waits. Madara starts. He begins to speak, then stops. He starts again, then reconsiders.
"Nii-san?"
"You know he doesn't have much more experience than you do," Hashi says, helpfully.
"Quiet," Madara says. He takes a breath. "Perhaps a bit of roleplay will suffice."
"Roleplay?" Izuna says. Madara sighs again.
"I cannot believe I am about to do this," Madara says. His Sharingan turns. He claps his hands.
"Sexy no Jutsu!"
"Eh?" Hashi says, and Madara disappears under a puff of smoke. In his place is a sultry, dark-eyed kunoichi with luscious hair.
"Wow!" Hashi says. "Anata you're gorgeous!"
"Naturally." Madoka's voice is a seductive alto. "Now, Little Brother. Try your best to seduce me."
Izuna scowls. Hashi raises her hand.
"Um, ano, anata-"
"What is it, Hashirama?"
"Could you, maybe, do your Sexy no Jutsu with me, sometime?"
"Hmph. Calm yourself, woman. I am only using this form with Izuna."
"...Oh."
"But perhaps if you are good, I will consider it."
"Yay!"
"Ugh," Izuna says. Madoka leans forward. Izuna screws up his face, determinedly.
"You look fertile. I wish to mate with you and give you my seed," Izuna says.
Hashi watches. Madoka's eyes narrow.
"Hashirama, his delivery is fine, I do not see the problem."
"You've got to be kidding me," Hashi says.
Izuna muses. "Maybe I should send those fabled 'dick pics' as well?"
"I agree, the people of this time require proof of your virility," Madara poofs back to his original form. "Showing off your physical attributes is a surefire way of getting a mate. I would recommend keeping yourself covered, however. It should be sufficient to show the outline of your bulge."
Hashi stares at them. "How are you both so stupid?" Hashi says.