Chapter XV

Hamptons, Long Island

"Beckett, what do you want?"

Castle's usually warm voice was ice cold, letting her know that whatever it was that they'd become over the last couple of weeks was already gone, irreparably severed.

If the cop in her wasn't so appalled by his continued lack of security, that might have been the first thing she'd tried to mend.

"What do I want?" She lifted a single eyebrow. "For starters, I'd love for you to take this situation seriously. Judging from the look of surprise on your face, I'd say that you didn't even know who was behind the door when you opened it, and that's after you turned down protection from the NYPD. It's unreal, how reckless you are about this."

"Wow," he looked at her in astonishment. "You have some nerve coming here to lecture me about being reckless with my life."

"Your stalker could have been standing here holding a gun and you would have opened the door to let them in!"

"If you came here for this, you wasted your time, Kate."

He stepped back to shut the door in her face but as soon he did, she pounced forward and, literally, got a foot in the door.

"Wait-wait!" She held a hand up in surrender. "Please, can we talk?"

"This," he shot back, furious. "This isn't talking. It's you coming here on your high horse, lecturing."

"I'm sorry," she took another step forward. "It's not why I came here. That was a cop reaction."

He glared at her.

"I'm sorry," she repeated. "Please, can I come in?"

He didn't say yes, but he did open the door a little further, giving her room to step inside.

"Are you home alone?" she asked, standing in his corridor now.

"I am."

Judging from his monosyllabic responses, he wasn't going to make this easy. But at least she wouldn't have an audience.

Kate wished that she could sit down and that there was a mug of coffee in her hands, so that she had something to fidget with. Something that could give her an excuse to take an occasional break from his accusing glare.

But he didn't invite her in any further.

Hallway it is.

A world of emotions whirled up inside of her, as was the case so often lately, whenever she took a moment to really look at him. Feeling all sorts of things that she hadn't felt in long time.

Funny, how he'd never been at a loss for words the entire time she'd spent with him and now he seemed incapable of eking out a single one. Arms crossed defensively, Castle stood a few feet away from her, waiting for her to speak.

She bit her lip, hesitating only a moment before cutting to the chase.

"Look…I said a lot of things back in that hospital room. Part of me wishes I could take back every single one of them and start over again. But if I could take back only one thing, it wouldn't be anything I said, it would be my silence when you asked me if I thought you were shallow and selfish and couldn't handle someone who wasn't perfect. If I could replay that moment, I'd tell you that that is the absolute last thing that I think you are." Her heart pounded. It was terrifying to lay down all her cards like this. To let him know that he meant something to her.

It meant he could hurt her and she couldn't remember the last time she'd given anyone that chance. Trusted anyone enough to think they wouldn't.

He was still guarded, but he no longer looked like he wanted to slam a door in her face.

"So what do you think I am?"

She took a deep breath. This was easier.

"I think…that you hide under this joking, playboy persona, but the truth is, you have this huge heart. You're an amazing father. You're smart and funny. You're genuine and you care. Deeply."

"What a guy." He was aiming for witty, but there was a hitch in his voice, as if he didn't know what to do with her words any more than she'd known what to do with his back at the hospital.

"He sounds like someone who'd invite you into his house."

"Well, he's got a lot of reason not to."

He didn't deny it but he cocked his head toward the kitchen. Towards the cozy and intimate table for two where they'd eaten dinner together more than once. "Come. Sit down."

She exhaled. It was a start.

Castle walked to the fridge and filled her a glass of cold liquid without asking whether she wanted it and Kate sat down at the table and took it gratefully, tasting mint and citrus when she drank some. Just like the lemonade Martha had given her two days ago.

"How are you?" He asked, sitting down across from her, without grabbing a glass for himself. His elbows were on the table and he still eyed her with something that looked vaguely like distrust.

"I'm okay," she told him, wanting to leave it at that, but he was clearly expecting a more honest answer. "Still sore," she admitted. "It'll take a few more days for that to stop."

"Okay." He pressed his hands together as if to stop from fidgeting. Her first sign that he was nervous too.

"I was forced to take a week off work," she added. "So I have time to heal."

"Good."

"I'm sorry," she told him again. "I panicked at the hospital when you said you weren't gonna continue with our charade. I have a lot riding on this case."

"Had," he corrected her and she caught a flash of anger in his eyes again.

"I was hoping to maybe change your mind about that."

"I won't risk your life over this," he told her. "That hasn't changed."

"Do I get no say in it?" she asked softly, fighting back her own irritation. She'd promised herself that no matter what, she wouldn't leave in anger today. "I am a cop, you know. According to you, I was supposed to be a pretty capable one."

"According to you, I was wrong about everything."

Shame burned in her throat. "There was a lot that I hadn't told you, because I didn't think it would ever matter. But when you said those things at the hospital, that's when I realized that you deserved to know the truth."

"The truth being…?"

Her stomach churned, wishing he'd stop looking at her like that. As though he was expecting something from her that she was entirely incapable of giving.

"The truth is…I've been a mess lately. Kind of still am."

"A scarred, disgraced, alcoholic cop?"

Ouch.

It stung so much worse when it came from him then when she said it herself. For the first time since coming here, Kate wanted to flee. "Yeah, except for the alcoholic part. For a while I drank too much, but I'm not an alcoholic. I should know the difference, since I'm the daughter of one."

His eyes clouded with remorse, before he exhaled and closed them. "I'm sorry. That was cruel. I didn't mean it."

She tried to play it down. "It's what I told you, isn't it?"

"It's not true."

Beckett shrugged. Most of it was. True.

"Why'd you really come here?" he asked softly, his eyes open again and back on her.

Her index finger trailed the rim of the glass. "To apologize. To see if maybe you'd give me a second chance."

"A second chance for us to keep pretend-dating so you can stay on this case and make your career amends?"

The hits kept coming and this time she pushed her chair back and got up. The urge to flee was getting harder to suppress. "That too. But I'm starting to see that it's a fool's errand."

His silence was all the answer she needed.

"I should go then."

He stood up too, and for a second she thought he might protest, but then she heard the door open and spun around with lightning speed, wishing she had her Glock on her instead of locked up in the glove compartment of the car.

Her shoulders relaxed when she saw Alexis Castle appear at the end of the hallway.

"Kate!" the teenager's face lit up and she walked over to greet Beckett with a gentle hug. "It's so nice to see you. Dad told me what happened! Are you okay?"

Beckett nodded. "I'm getting there. Thanks."

"Are you back with us?"

Beckett darted a quick glance in Castle's direction and couldn't read him at all. "No, I, uh…I just had to drop something off for your Dad. I was about to head back out."

"Why don't stay and come to our opening night tonight? Gram's going to be here for it too. I'd love it if you could come. We all would." Alexis turned to her father. "Right, Dad?"

"Of course." It came out as a squeak.

Beckett was suddenly mortified. "I'm sorry. I can't…I hadn't planned to stay overnight and I…I don't want to drive back that late."

"Do you have to be back at work already? So soon, after what happened?"

"No but…"

"Stay here then. We have extra toiletries and I have some clothes you can borrow. It's so crazy hot and humid in the city anyway."

Beckett's eyes widened and she turned to Castle with a glare. Help me out here, Rick. You don't want this any more than I do.

"It is." He parroted his daughter. "Humid."

For fuck's sake. Kate wanted to roll her eyes.

"It's settled then," Alexis announced with a grin. "I'll get you a ticket, Kate."

After that, they had lunch together.

Castle whipped up some oddly delicious pizza tarts with smoked salmon, dill and Buffala mozzarella. It was a marvel to her, how he conjured up little culinary miracles, just like that. And how he was able to make small talk while they ate them together, and pretend that everything wasn't horribly awkward between the two of them.

It wasn't something she was nearly as good at and by the time Alexis left to prepare for tonight's production, her head was pounding and she was exhausted by the efforts of keeping up the pretense.

"Just tell her I wasn't feeling well and decided to leave, okay?" Beckett told him once Alexis was gone.

"You do look like you're not feeling well," Castle pointed out to her, his brows scrunching up with what almost looked like concern.

"It's the concussion," she mumbled. "Makes me tired. I'll pull over for a nap somewhere. Don't worry."

"In your car?" He questioned. "If you insist on leaving then at least have a nap here first. In a bed. Not in a hot car on the roadside."

If you insist on leaving?

"The bed in your - I mean, in the guest room upstairs, Lurenda made it this morning."

"I'm fine, Castle."

"Kate, just for once, please?"

"Fine," she gave in. Truth was, she didn't want to drive like this. "Do you have some Advil or aspirin?"

The worried look on his face deepened and she almost regretted asking, except that she knew that taming the headache would help her get some rest.

"Yeah, of course. Hang on." He disappeared and came back with a bottle and a glass of water.

She took them both. "Thanks."

"Should you be taking those with a concussion?"

Beckett winced. "Not you too."

He gave her a puzzled look. "What?"

"Nothing." She loved the thought of Lanie meeting him. They'd get along. She was so sure of it.

Not that it would ever happen.

"Kate…."

"Yeah?"

"Let me know if you need anything else."

"Okay." She went up the staircase.

A quick nap to get her alert enough to tackle the drive.

Then she'd leave this place for the last time.

Castle went back to his study after Beckett disappeared upstairs, and he started writing. He left the phone next to him and the door open so he'd hear her when she came back down.

Nearly two hours and ten pages later, he stretched his arms and suddenly feared he might have missed her. That she might have snuck out without saying goodbye.

He wouldn't blame her.

She'd come here knowing he'd be angry and still laid all her cards on the table. In return he hadn't given her an inch. Not until Alexis, his sneaky, red-haired cupid, reminded him how much he loved having Kate under their roof.

He'd been a petulant, wounded child from the moment Beckett knocked on his door.

So what if he didn't trust her motives right now? His mother had been right. He'd made grand proclamations at the hospital and none of his actions since then had backed them up. What did that say about him?

They had so much more to say to each other.

And, in spite of the danger, he so badly wanted her around. Just now it had made him giddy happy to see her enjoying those silly pizza tarts that he'd crafted on the fly.

Never mind that her presence had once again ignited his muse.

Such was the effect that Kate Beckett had on him.

She'd worried him too. After their meal, she looked so pale and spent, so obviously hurting, that he wasn't sure that she'd make the walk to the car without keeling over.

He wouldn't have let her drive like that. No matter how much she protested. But thankfully that had been an easy battle.

Castle checked the time on his watch and decided to go upstairs to see if she was all right. If she was even still there.

His watch face told him it was 2:57pm.

He still had ample time before he had to get ready for Alexis's big opening night. His mother was spending the rest of the afternoon with some of her local friends and then she'd go to the play straight from their house.

When he walked along the upstairs hallway, Castle noticed that the door to the guest bedroom was slightly open and it made his heart sink. What if she'd already left? How could he not have heard her?

He stole a glance into the room and what he saw took his breath away.

She was still asleep. Her gorgeous bare back, glowing in the golden sunlight that poured in from the window. There was a giant bruise that circled her shoulder blade. Although it was the first thing that caught his attention, it wasn't what held it. Not when there was a glorious curve that ended in the perfect swell of her ass, only partially covered by his feather duvet. It revealed just enough that it made him doubt that she was wearing anything at all.

He tried to force his gaze away, because he had no right to see her like this. Relaxed and unguarded under his roof. Her face was buried in his pillow and the palm of one of her hands rested against her forehead. Long, dark hair draped parts of her neck and shoulders. Covering too much of her bare skin and revealing only slivers here and there that he'd be tempted to kiss if he were lying next to her.

It took all his willpower not to pull out his phone and snap a photograph. If he never had the chance to see her like this again, at least he'd have that. Castle didn't trust his brain to do this memory justice because there were too many exquisite details. He needed something more tangible, permanent.

But he didn't.

He already felt like a voyeur.

He took a hasty step back in retreat. Before the overwhelming urge to move closer became unbearable.

Back in the hallway, he let out a long, shaky breath.

His mother had been right. Kate Beckett had wormed her way truly and deeply underneath his skin.

And now she was setting it on fire.

Later

Nearly three hours had passed when she finally woke up from her unexpected nap.

She was disoriented at first, but once she got her bearings Kate allowed herself a lazy stretch and marvelled at how much better she felt than when she first slipped out of her clothes and crawled underneath these covers. She hadn't even been able to keep her eyes open long enough to close the curtains and now the late afternoon sun greeted her in all its golden-hour brilliance.

It lifted her lips into a smile.

She'd never imagined that she'd come to love this place so much. Or that it would have such a calming effect on her. The sight of the sun setting at night, the tranquil sounds of ocean waves lapping at the backyard, and the salty smell of the sea hanging in the air when she left the window open.

She wanted to move up to the window and take a final look outside, until she realized she was almost completely naked.

Maybe not.

Instead, she slowly slipped out of the comforts of Castle's expensive bed and back into her bra and dress. She told herself she took them off because she didn't want to look like she'd slept in her clothes, but the truth was she took them off because Castle's bedding was the softest thing she'd ever been wrapped up in. Putting a layer of clothing between her skin and those extravagant thread counts was downright criminal.

She took a glance at the mirror and sure enough, her hair was the only thing that looked as though it had just stepped out of bed.

She tied it up into a quick bun and took one last long look out of the window before traipsing back downstairs.

She half expected Castle to have disappeared.

But he was the first thing she was saw when she entered the hallway.

"Hi," was all he said, and the way he looked at her instantly made her heart race, completely against her will.

This house wasn't the only thing she'd fallen for.

"Hey…"

"How are you feeling?"

"Much better," she told him. "Nap was a good idea."

"Every now and then I have one. A good idea, that is."

There was a shyness about him that she wasn't used to, and it tore at her heart to think she might have put it there. That she might have made him feel uncomfortable around her when all he'd ever done was make her feel like she belonged in his space.

What I wouldn't give to take back those stupid words.

"Rick…" There was one more thing she needed to tell him. "I didn't come here just to try and convince you to get back on board with our charade. Please believe that."

He gave her the subtlest of nods. "I do."

"I'll head out now."

Did she imagine the sudden panic in his eyes?

"I made some coffee," he told her and it was then that she noticed the evidence. The smell of freshly ground coffee beans coming from the kitchen. The scent of heaven.

"I'd love one for the road."

He took a step towards her. "It's why I made it. Thought you might like one and that it'd help you stay awake and alert."

There it was again. Kindness. Undeserving and out of nowhere, and it left her unable to say a thing in return.

"But I changed my mind."

She raised her brows, trying hard to hide her disappointment. "You changed your mind about the coffee?"

"I…no, no. I changed my mind about you having it on the road."

She didn't understand. "You want me to have it here?"

"I want…" This was something else she wasn't used to. Richard Castle at a loss of words. "Alexis was right. Stay tonight and come to the play."

"What?" She no longer knew what to say or think. "Rick, I…"

"What you said at the hospital, it really got to me," he confessed. "I didn't take it well. I've been a jerk since then. I've ignored your calls and texts. Didn't once ask you how you were. Didn't even give you much of a chance since you got here…" He exhaled. "I'm sorry. I've been an ass. Any chance we can both start over?"

Oh, yes.

Yes.

She suddenly didn't trust her voice.

He took a step towards her with a lop-sided smile. Held out his hand. "Hi, I'm Rick. Writer. Dad. Supposed good guy who hasn't acted like it."

Kate shook his hand, weak-kneed with something that felt a lot like hope wrapped up in relief. "Kate…" she whispered her name. "Just, Kate."

"Hi, Kate."

She didn't resist when he pulled her into an embrace and held on to her, just as tightly as he'd done at the hospital. "I've missed you," he whispered into her hair.

She wiped away an involuntary tear as her cheek brushed against his t-shirt, not wanting to let go of him. "Got used to having a bodyguard, huh?"

He grinned and it lit up his handsome face. "Yeah, that's it."

God, she wanted to kiss him. Wanted to have him touch her again like he had at the loft.

If only she trusted herself not to ruin it all.

"What is it?"

She couldn't handle it when he looked at her like that. As though she was extraordinary.

Out of nowhere, a surge of panic gripped her and she wanted to bolt.

Run out of this house as fast as she could and never look back. Because she wasn't ready for any of this. Probably not even capable of it.

At least this way her last memory of them could be a good one.

"Kate?" He'd moved closer again, snaking his arm around her waist, as though he could sense her urge to flee. Or hear the pounding of her heart.

"I'm not sure I can be this…"

"Be what?"

"More."

"More?"

"I want to be more than who I am. I want to be the person that you think I am, but I'm not. Not yet. Maybe not ever."

He was standing so unbearable close and he tucked a wayward strand of hair behind her ear. "I like you the way you are."

Frustration welled up inside her. He didn't understand.

"You say that until…" Did she really have to spell this out? "Until I can't give you what you need. What you want."

"What I want?" he questioned. "When I look in your eyes, I don't think the things I want are all that different from what you want." He wasn't the least bit fazed. Instead he traced a gentle circle on her back with his thumb. "It's true. I do want you. I won't deny that. But not if you're not comfortable with it. Do you want me, Kate?"

Her eyes gave away her answer before she said it. "Yes."

"Do you trust me?"

"I do." She did, with inexplicable certainty. He'd already proven to her that she could. More than once.

Castle said nothing in response as his hand slid underneath the fabric of her dress, sliding it off her shoulder with the barest touch. Giving him the chance to kiss her neck and trail his lips along her collarbone.

It sent sparks of electricity right down to her toes.

Her head rolled to the side and she let his lips roam. Her body had a will of its own when it came to his touch.

"You're more than enough, Kate." His fingers played with her hair, undoing her hasty, messy bun and letting her hair fall over her shoulders. Then he kissed her on the lips and it was impossible not to respond. He had such a pull on her desires. The scent and the taste of him were like an aphrodisiac.

It's all they did for a while. Kiss. Like teenagers. Tentative at first. Then not so tentative, when tongue and teeth and hands got involved.

Until they had no choice but to stop and catch their breath.

"May I?" He asked softly when toying with a button on her dress.

Yes. She gave him the slightest of nods. Her body was aching for more of his touch. She felt as though she might self-combust if he stopped touching her.

Two buttons came undone and the top of her dress slid down slowly, helped along by his hands, letting the fabric sit on her hips until his fingers busied themselves with the clasp on her bra. Until that too came undone and that truly made her heart race. Made her feel so lightheaded that she thought her knees might give in.

"Rick…" her voice sounded far away to her ears.

"Hey…" He stopped undressing her, moved his hand from her breast to her chin, raised it up and forced her to look at him. "You wanna stop…we'll stop. I selfishly want to see you naked in the light of day, because you're breathtakingly beautiful. But you're pretty cute with clothes on too. We can kiss all night both us of fully dressed and I am happy man. Trust me on this too."

"Rick…" She found her voice and grabbed his t-shirt again. "No. Don't stop. I don't want to. Not this time." She was still hoping the world would plunge into darkness, but stopping, no, that was the last thing she wanted. This time her desire outweighed the fear. "But I am half naked in your kitchen, and your mother, she has a habit of showing up unannounced…"

"Right." He laughed. "Bedroom. Yes." He lifted her up with ease and she wrapped her legs around him.

Then he set her down on his bed and slowly slipped off the rest of her dress, giving her goosebumps.

He was staring at her, all of her, and it wasn't dark enough to hide a thing. It was too late to run, or even turn off the lights. He'd already seen too much.

Kate closed her eyes and shivered against her will, shaking so hard that it made him slow down. Made him put a flat palm over her pounding heart to stop it from leaping out of her chest.

"It's okay if you don't want to see," he told her. Just as he'd done at the loft. He kissed her eyelids and then she opened her eyes. She did want to see. Not her own body, but his. Because he was gorgeous and she loved the way he looked at her.

He straddled her after tossing his t-shirt and jeans to the floor and ran his thumb along the outline of the slightly raised, circular scar between her breasts, where the sniper's bullet had hit her and sent her falling backwards into oblivion. Onto a long, painful road to recovery whose end she still hadn't reached.

Then he lowered his head to kiss it in silence, with a solemn reverence that she didn't expect.

"I hate it," she admitted, her voice a whisper. She hated the longer incision scar that ran along her side even more.

"I don't," he told her, eyeing it with that same boundless curiosity with which he saw so much of the world around him. His gentle fingers barely ghosted the raised skin around it. "You're such a fighter. Strong. Resilient."

"It's the first thing you see…"

He shook his head and now he was smiling at the absurdity of that assertion. "Oh no…trust me. It's not." He was massaging her breasts, toying with her nipples and making them tender and hard. "These right here, these are way too distracting for that. And then…" That seductive mouth of his that was already far too attuned in how to get a rise out of her, in more ways than one, moved lower. "There's this…" He kissed the subtle rise of her belly. "So beautiful."

Then he moved lower still, snaking his tongue inside of her, making her arch her back and fist the bedsheets,

"Fuck, Castle."

"Yes. Please do. Fuck Castle."

And just like that he erased the last of her fears and made her giggle.

She was hot and wet and bothered, and so goddamn ready, and here he was, casually reminding her how much fun this could be.

It wouldn't take long for her to come undone, not the way that dastardly tongue of his was teasing all the most sensitive parts of her.

He came up to soak in the sight of her and rose to his knees on the bed, pushed himself up on her hips and let her see how massively ready he was for her. Achingly hard.

Oh yes…

A grin that matched his lit up her face and what once paralyzed her was an afterthought now.

She was going to enjoy this. Him. A lot. There was a lot of him to enjoy, after all.

"Come on," she growled, arching her body closer, aligning herself with him for easier access. "Get in."

He did, hard and fast, until he filled her up and they found the kind of blissful rhythm that shut out everything else around them.

This time she gave in to it with wild abandon.