Still staying back in time for now.

Remember When old ones died and new were born

Life was changed

Disassembled

Rearranged

"Is it always like this?"

The words fell out of Benjamin's mouth in awe, his eyes darting from one place to the next, unsure of where to look first in case he missed something of importance. Rose plopped down next to him on one of the chairs placed outside of The Rec for visitors to rest if needed. Rose, being significantly pregnant and visibly uncomfortable, was one of those visitors in desperate need of a rest. She exhaled loudly as she made herself comfortable around the controlled fire in front of them in their seats.

"Afraid so," she answered Benjamin, taking a moment to take a look around for herself. Enjoying the vantage point from her seat, which she would claim as hers for the remainder of the evening, she watched the festivities surrounding her and tried to imagine it from Benjamin's perspective.

There wasn't a lot of snow on the ground leftover from last week's storm, but there were still patches left remaining here and there on our property. The twinkle lights were placed strategically around the perimeter of our acreage and twisted around every tree and bush and edge of The Rec.

There wasn't an inch unlit on the premises.

Benjamin and Rose sat in front of the fire as they watched everyone enjoy themselves on a crisp night in December. The holidays were fast approaching, and everyone was getting into the spirit with each passing minute. Their breaths came out in white puffs in between sips of steaming cups of hot chocolate.

That's where I was while I watched the two of them – I was manning the hot chocolate station for The Rec's holiday party. The party was both inside and outside, pretty much spilling out onto wherever anyone could fit. The frequent fliers of The Rec, and all their parents, were filling in physical spaces of a dream that I had spent most of my life trying to obtain.

The Rec was a living, breathing success story, and looking over at Rose and Benjamin, I noted that it wasn't the only success story around here, either.

Being able to experience the pure innocence and joy and excitement of the holiday season through my son's eyes was worth more to me than anything else. I never had experiences like these growing up, so I felt myself living vicariously through him.

"Wow," Benjamin breathed, his eyes still taking it all in. They jumped from the fire in front of him, to the hot chocolate station, to the kids twirling sparklers in the air, to the group of people of all ages singing holiday songs into the winter season around us.

"I know. Crazy, right?" Rose replied, rubbing her hand in circles across her swollen belly. Everyone was dressed in full winter gear except for Rose, who in her mother-to-be-glory was continually heated, and I laughed at how much she stood out from the rest of the crowd wearing just an oversized sweater. Seeing that I had a break in the line for those in need of hot chocolate, I poured two cups and headed over to join them by the fire.

"Better get used to it," I said, interrupting the two of them. I handed Rose her hot chocolate with extra whipped cream, and she took it eagerly. I wasn't sure if it was because she wanted to warm her hands with the heat of the cup or because whipped cream was what the little girl in her belly wanted most in this world. I pointed back towards The Rec that gave Rockefeller Center a run for its money. "This will be what your house will look like next year."

"No way," she scoffed, not letting the steam from the Styrofoam cup in front of her sway her from taking a sip.

"Watch. You'll see."

I knew Emmett. There would be no way in hell that he would let their house be the only unlit house on the block, especially when he had a child in which to bestow all of his wisdom. In fact, their house would rival the Griswold's, if I had to place a bet on it.

With another gentle rub to her belly and a small smile playing in the corner of her mouth, I had a feeling Rose wouldn't object to whatever Emmett put their almost-family-of-three through.

I motioned to Benjamin to stand up so I could sit in his chair, and he happily jumped up and settled back into my lap once I had filled the empty space he had left behind. He snuggled into my opened jacket, the blaze in front of us crackling with broken wood, the fire turning his face into a pleasant glow of orange. I squeezed him a little tighter as he finished his hot chocolate, wondering if he had managed to drink any at all based off of the remnants left across his mouth and face.

"Have you seen Sam?" Benjamin asked once he was finished. He hopped off of my lap to look for Jasper and Alice knowing that Sam would be with them.

"Yeah, he's in line to sit on Santa's lap," I answered, turning to point over towards the wooden playhouse we had repurposed into Santa's workshop.

Sure enough, Jasper and Alice were waiting in line for Sam's turn with Santa. Alice was bouncing an impatient Sam on her hip to pass the time, and I could tell by the way he was squirming that he was ready to get down and go. He had long mastered the skill of walking and was now almost an expert on running, being that he would be two in a handful of months.

"Oh! I wanna go!" Benjamin practically shouted, jumping off of my lap in a flash. "Can we go now?"

I could feel the excitement reverberating off his body, his body bouncing up and down in amazement. I looked over at the line at Santa's Workshop, then looked back over at my hot chocolate station where several guests were approaching for a warm cup.

I cursed the bad timing but looked down at Benjamin with a squeeze of his shoulders with my hands. I never broke my promises to him, and this would be another that I would be sure to uphold. Benjamin rarely spoke about what life with Heidi and Marcus was like before he came to us back in April, but situations like this offered us a glimpse into what he had never experienced.

Looking over at the newly formed line again, I turned back towards him to offer him another promise. "Give me a second, bud?"

"I'll go ask Mommy Bella!"

He took off into the dark towards The Rec in search of Bella, who was in charge of the indoor festivities. Letting the twinkle lights guide his way, I called out to him before I saw him disappear inside.

"Come back here if she can't take you! Don't wander off!"

I made sure Benjamin had made his way inside. Rose was fine by the fire while Emmett chaperoned the group of high school kids playing a friendly game of football beneath the lights, so I made my way back over to the hot chocolate station to pour some more for the people of Forks.

It hadn't meant to turn into the holiday event of the season, but I could already tell the beginning rumblings of a newly forming tradition. It was our second year celebrating Christmas with The Rec fully operational, and by the looks of it, it wouldn't be the last celebration The Rec would see. Our first Christmas here had just been myself and Bella, and while the memories of that first Christmas brought a smile to my face and a warmth in my heart, events like these made me appreciate the reason why I had resurrected The Rec in the first place.

Once the line dwindled down to the last two guests, I smiled when I noticed who I was serving.

"Sorry we're late," Carlisle said, reaching for the cup I held out for him. He placed it gently in Esme's gloved hands and turned back to reach for his own. "Got held up."

"You're here. That's what matters," I answered, smiling before giving them both a gentle hug in welcome, careful not to spill the piping hot chocolate they held in their hands.

"We wouldn't miss it," Esme said, giving my arm a squeeze with a warm smile. "This is incredible, Edward."

An overwhelming sense of pride filled my lungs, and I tried to dismiss her words with a brush of modesty.

"Exactly like you wanted," Carlisle added, spinning in a slow circle to see it all. He sighed to himself. "It looks like it always should have. Perfect."

Esme squeezed Carlisle's hand before she began to walk towards The Rec. "Bella inside?"

I nodded and answered her after a warm sip. "Check there or by Santa with Benji."

Carlisle and I watched her disappear inside the house before Carlisle turned the conversation back to tonight.

"Pretty good turn out," he noted.

"Yeah, they've been planning for this since Halloween pretty much." The group of teens that essentially took over our previous roles in high school had gone overboard in their preparations for the event tonight and had to be majorly scaled down for too many reasons to name. If we thought Alice used to go overboard when it came to party planning for us back in the day, we had been in for a rude awakening when we met the new high school crew.

"Reminds me of a group of teenagers I used to know," Carlisle laughed.

"I think they've gotten worse?" I responded, shaking my head at some of their suggestions they had tried to get away with. "Some of their ideas? I have no idea where they could even think of the things they came up with."

"I'd rather not know." He chuckled, and then a brief flash of something unrecognizable flashed across his face. He tried to hide it the same way he always did when I was around, but this time I was old enough to call him out on it.

"You okay?"

My words must have startled him because he looked over at me like he had forgotten I was there. "Yeah, yeah. I'm fine."

Sighing, we both looked out over the festivities until I couldn't take it anymore. "When are you going to try to stop protecting me?" I turned away from the crowd so only he could hear me. "I can smell your bullshit a mile away, you know."

"Esme told me you'd call me out on it," Carlisle answered with a shake of his head and a ghost of a smile on his lips. "Damn."

"What's going on?"

Sighing again, Carlisle continued. "You remember Felix?"

"Of course," I said, nodding my head. How could I forget the original owner of The Rec? "Why?"

"His wife called me today to tell me he passed this morning. Long battle with cancer."

"Wow."

Not the best choice of words to say at a time like this, but it was the best I could do as an unfamiliar feeling made its way through my body.

Death wasn't something I was accustomed to. I didn't have any relatives, close or distant, young or old, to experience something like this with. As hard as it was being alone for most of my life, it had the plus side of never having to say goodbye to anyone – permanently.

Felix wasn't someone I had stayed in touch with over the years. In fact, I hadn't seen him since he had abandoned The Rec and us literally overnight back when we were in high school. Thinking of him was something I avoided, and I had gotten to the point in my life that he only crossed my mind on my darkest days, which were luckily exceedingly rare.

Truthfully, I had no idea what to say or how to react. Definitely didn't know how I should be feeling.

"I didn't want to tell you here," Carlisle interrupted my thoughts. "Didn't really know how you'd react."

I still didn't know yet, myself. Too many unanswered questions were down a dark path I wasn't sure I wanted to walk down again. I had spent so long trying to put it all behind me and move forward, with both my life and the reconstruction of The Rec, so the last thing I wanted to do was drag up old feelings at a time in my life that was filled with immense joy.

"It's upsetting to hear," I said, clearing my throat in hopes I could find a steady voice. "I didn't know you kept in touch with him."

He shrugged. "On and off over the years. Nothing much more than an email every couple of months or a quick bite for lunch occasionally."

"Did you know he was sick?"

"I knew something was off, but he didn't come out and tell me." Carlisle replied. "He was always private in that sense."

"I guess some things never change," I offered weakly.

"Guess not." Carlisle agreed, clapping a hand on my jacketed shoulder. "Services are Wednesday and Thursday if you're interested."

I wasn't sure what my stance was on whether or not I was interested in going to the services. I was not a spiteful man, especially in matters dealing with death, but I still found myself unsure.

I was still unsure later that night when I was explaining it all to Bella. Exhaustion was setting in. After spending weeks planning the event, all day today setting up for everything we had planned, and then having the event and cleaning up after the event, we were dead on our feet.

As tired as I felt and how physically drained I was as we settled into bed for the night, I couldn't fall asleep, and when I had grown tired of staring at the ceiling, I rolled over to wrap my arm around the almost fully-asleep form next to me.

"I'm thinking I should go."

"The only place you should be going is to sleep," Bella's muffled voice answered me from her pillows. "What are you talking about?"

"Felix died," I said, rolling off of her side and onto my back again. "Carlisle told me earlier tonight."

"What? When?" She rolled over at my admission, sitting up a little in the darkness. I saw her reach over to her nightstand to turn on the lamp. I flinched a little from the onslaught of brightness in our room. "Wait – Carlisle kept in touch with him after all these years?"

"Casually, from what he told me. The services are in a few days."

Understanding dawned across her features. "Oh, that's where you think you should go. To the services."

Nodding, I made room for her next to me as she settled into my arms and rested her head against my shoulder. "I mean, no one would have any idea who I was. That's not the point, anyway."

"If you think you should go, then go. I'll go with you."

We stayed in silence for a few minutes before I spoke again. "You know how everyone says at your wedding to stop every now and then to just remember it all?" I could feel her nod against my shoulder. "I did that tonight. I do it with everything we do here at The Rec; I just stop and think about how I want to remember these moments twenty, thirty, forty years from now."

"I can see why you do that," Bella replied, pressing a kiss to my bare shoulder. "You've created something magical, Edward."

"I can't take all the credit," I laughed before growing silent again. "But there's always this part of me that just needs to know why he couldn't see those moments. Felix."

Also factoring into my uneasiness was the fact that towards the end of his time at The Rec, Felix knew that I was staying there. He knew that I was back and forth between homes, and that The Rec was the place where I preferred to stay. I had been working there, sleeping there, eating there, showering there. He knew that, and he also knew a lot of other things that he kept to himself, and didn't think that letting me know earlier would be better than me becoming stranded, just like The Rec.

"I think we all have some questions about what really happened," Bella offered, sighing as her voice became heavy with sleep again. "It was so sudden for all of us."

"I hope that maybe by just going there it will help me get rid of that part of my life for good."

I loved my life.

Living in the darkness had shown me how to appreciate the brighter things in life.

Getting rid of this one, final shadow would hopefully give me the closure I needed to move forward.

"Then we'll go."

In the end, I opted to go alone so Benjamin could stay with Bella at The Rec. The only people there I recognized were Carlisle and Esme, which was fine because it gave me the chance to wander the funeral home at my own level of comfort. I followed my own pace, not lingering in one place for too long.

I didn't have much to say – one, because I didn't know anyone, really, and two – because I wasn't sure what I wanted to say exactly. I had spent the last few days on a rollercoaster I didn't want to be on; Felix's death had brought back a lot of feelings and memories that I didn't want to think about.

When The Rec closed down, I had lost everything in my life that mattered to me. The Rec was gone, Bella was on a plane to New York, Emmett and Jasper and everyone else were all about to find themselves on new college campuses with new people. While they were finding themselves, the exact opposite happened for me.

I lost myself.

It took me years to finally find myself again. Actually, discovered myself is what I did. I finally discovered what Carlisle had seen in me all along, and eventually, I started to believe it was true. Thinking about Felix made me think about losing everything all over again.

I didn't feel misplaced as I walked around and saw pictures of Felix's life outside of what I knew him as owner of The Rec. He had a wife and kids. A family. A job.

As I made my way around the room, listening to anecdotes from his family and friends as I walked by, I realized his life wasn't that different than my own life. I wondered if it would be like that for me. Would I be content with my wife, my family, and my job only for one day to wake up and not be able to keep up with The Rec like Felix had?

"It was my fault, you know."

I must have been so engrossed in my thoughts or the pictures around me that I didn't notice anyone behind me. I turned around at the sound of the voice and saw an older woman I recognized from a lot of the pictures placed in his memory.

"I'm sorry?" I asked politely, taking a step away from the guest book to speak to the woman in front of me.

"I made him choose. Us or The Rec." She pointed to a picture of the two of them on what must have been their wedding day. Based on the way she spoke, I assumed she was his wife. "He was either putting in overtime at his day job or spending all his hours with you guys back then."

My eyes followed to where her finger was pointing to a picture of The Rec before I had renovated it. I looked closely to see if there were any signs of us in the picture. "You remember me?"

"Not personally, I'm sorry." She shook her head kindly. "But I could tell you were one of his Rec kids."

"He made a great place for us," I agreed, nodding. I added quietly, "More than he knew."

"He loved The Rec. I don't think he ever fully forgave me for putting him in a place where he had to choose." A twinge of regret shadowed her words. "But we had a family at home that needed him. It became too much for him, and all of us, to juggle."

I thought about myself and Bella. I thought about both of us working two full time jobs during the day, running The Rec at night and weekends, responsibilities with Benjamin and his school and Heidi and Marcus.

"It's a juggling act, that's for sure." I answered, putting my hands in my pockets. "More like a never-ending circus."

"I've read what you've done with The Rec in the papers. It made us so happy to see it opened again."

I was sure the shock was apparent on my face. "Felix knew?"

She nodded and reached out to place a comforting hand on my shoulder. "He was so proud to see what you turned it into. Just don't let it become your resurrection."

Her words stuck with me for months.

So many times, I wondered if the life I chose for myself was the life that Bella, or Benjamin, had wanted. I wondered if they were as happy and content with our lives as I was. We didn't lead your standard and conventional private life. We shared it with kids of all ages, with the newspapers. We literally lived above the place that had been such a force in Felix's life that he had to let it go.

One day in March, one-month shy of the one-year mark when Benjamin had come to stay with us, I asked her. She was holding Rose's little girl in her arms, her eyes trailing from her pink lips to her miniscule ears back down to her button nose.

"Are you happy?" I asked, my voice coming out in a whisper as I sat down next to her on Rose and Emmett's loveseat in their living room. We were surrounded by bassinets and swings and so many other things that I didn't even know existed. Or their purpose.

"So happy."

Bella's voice came out in a way I had never heard before. It sounded like it was reserved only for tiny little things that seem quiet but really have a set of lungs on them that could deafen even the mightiest.

"Not with her," I chuckled back when I realized Bella hadn't even bothered to look up at me or take her eyes off of the baby in her arms. "With me. Are you happy?"

Those words took her attention back towards me, her head turning so she could see me sitting next to her on the couch. I let myself drown in the chocolate pools of her eyes, watching them soften before she pressed her lips to my own.

She pulled away from me a moment later, a content and soft smile on her face. "You are my dream come true."

I, of all people, should know that sometimes dreams don't last long. Sometimes they gradually disappear, softening the blow to some degree. Other times, they shatter.

We'd been in dark places before.

I had watched the love of my life walk out of my world when we needed each other the most, and because of that, we had spent ten excruciatingly painful years apart.

We had our hearts broken in the past.

But not like this.

I was prepared for it.

I had lived it, over and over again, when I was a kid. Professionally, I recognized the signs, saw the steps that were being taken to rectify their situation.

It became a whole different world when I realized that their situation being corrected meant that ours would fall apart.

And it did.

It really, and truly, did.

I was devastated. Torn completely apart, old wounds opened again that I had worked so hard to mend back together.

And Bella?

I couldn't even find her in all of her grief.

We lost ourselves when we lost him.

Don't hate me.

Join my Facebook group, Lily Jill Fics, for teasers. I've written a few chapters of my upcoming story, so join if you're interested to hear more about it as I write before I post.

Sorry for the delay. I try to update every Sunday, but sometimes real life just doesn't let it happen. I'll try to get another one out on time!

As for Edward, Bella, and Benji, it's going to get worse before it gets better. Just trust in me! Have I ever let you down? Don't answer that.

Teaser for Chapter 7:

We came together

Fell Apart

And broke each other's hearts

Remember when