Still back in time…for a bit!

Thanks to Fran for everything and to Hollynn28 for making sure I get the legal framework down for foster care in Washington.

Brought back the love

We found trust

Vowed we'd never give it up

Remember when

Living in the upstairs space above The Rec was both a blessing and a curse.

Owning and running The Rec wasn't a second job – it was a lifestyle that I had envisioned and committed to long before Bella's arrival back in Forks. Fortunately, Bella had seen my vision and jumped on board with it, knowing that reopening The Rec wasn't just something that I chose to do to pass the time. It was my true calling, and not answering that call would mean I would be closing off a piece of myself that would be dangerous if left ignored. It was, without a doubt, a huge commitment that took up most, if not all, of the spare time we had after our full-time jobs. It was a huge undertaking, still being the prime source of entertainment in the town besides the movie theater and a few scattered restaurants. In conjunction with home-thrown parties and bonfires by the water, The Rec was the place to be in Forks.

We maintained it well, somehow balancing all of these obstacles in our circus act, most likely because this was the life that we chose. Maybe this life chose us, I could say, because it wasn't easy, and it was always busy. The sound of silence was a rarity in our world, and most nights we went to bed with our heads spinning and our bones aching, but our hearts were always full.

We loved everything about our life together.

The addition of Benjamin and Charlotte made our already full hearts grow exponentially bigger.

The day Benjamin arrived back with us at The Rec was like finally finding a missing key we had been searching for to unlock a long-lost family treasure. We had spent almost ten long months without him, almost as long as Heidi and Marcus had spent without him when Benjamin had been with us the first time. The first few months without him were a dark and depressing time, and Bella's surprise pregnancy had been the beacon of light to help us find our way back to life. While the loss of Benjamin would always sting, we had been given something to look forward to after such a huge part of our lives had been lost.

We had planned for The Rec to be closed temporarily for a few weeks while we adjusted to parenthood. It was a suggestion we heard from a lot of the new parents in our lives once Bella and I had mentioned that we had planned on taking some time off of work but not from The Rec. I mean, we had spent a year juggling both parenthood and Rec time with Benjamin, so we didn't think it would be any different when the baby arrived.

Wrong.

One weekend with Rebecca, Rose and Emmett's daughter, had us rethinking our original plans of keeping The Rec open. They had dropped her off one Friday afternoon so they could attend a wedding out of town, and by Sunday evening when they came to pick her up, Bella and I looked at each other and immediately jumped onto the computer to write our notice to inform parents and children about The Rec going on a hiatus for a few weeks once the baby was born.

It was one of the best decisions we had made.

Charlotte was born a few days before Christmas, her debut a few weeks earlier than expected. She was born healthy and strong and had spent her days in the hospital wrapped cozily inside one of those Christmas stockings that the hospital had specially made for newborns. Unexpected and unprepared we were for her arrival, but she settled into our life like she had always been a part of it.

And for the first time in years, The Rec was quiet.

We were used to the chaos, the energy that made this large cabin in the woods vibrate with life and laughter. The Rec had become the house that never slept, and the quietness that took over for those weeks was something we had to get used to.

Don't be misled – it wasn't always quiet around here.

The only sound for the first four weeks of life with Charlotte was the sound of her cries of discomfort when she had to, God forbid, wait a whole thirty seconds before Bella placed her on her breast for food. Charlotte was a good baby, or so people loved to tell me. I mean, what did I have to compare her to? I was never around babies growing up, so I had no ideas in my head to make these comparisons. All I knew was that when she was hungry, the girl Needed. Her. Food.

Other than when Charlotte felt deprived of her meals and snacks, it was quiet. Bella and I usually stared at her in silence, small smiles on our faces as we watched her for hours on end. Her favorite place to be was anywhere her Mommy was. Just the sound of Bella's voice would settle Charlotte back into a world of comfort.

I understood that feeling. Bella had always been my source of peace, and even now, when Charlotte's breakfast leaked through Bella's shirt, when she sometimes handed her over to me before I even had my foot in the door after a day of work to disappear into the shower for the first time in days, I still couldn't believe Bella had come back to me.

I still couldn't believe she was mine.

She had blessed me with a child, a daughter who was single-handedly the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and she continued to walk down this path of life with me.

It made everything that I had been through and seen in my life completely worth it.

I was holding Charlotte on my chest, my eyes closed from being both sleep-deprived and from pure contentment, when I got the call from Maggie about Benjamin.

There wasn't even a question, not a moment of hesitation, when I gave Maggie my answer when she asked if we were in a position to take Benjamin again temporarily. I know last time Bella had been shocked when I had taken Benjamin home with me without asking her first. I know she held onto that when Benjamin had gone, needing something and someone to take away some of the hurt she was feeling, and it did cross my mind briefly if she would be upset again when she learned I had made another decision without her.

But I knew she wouldn't.

I knew she had kept Benjamin's bedroom intact for a reason. I knew she had rubbed her swollen belly as Charlotte grew and grew as the weeks went by, wishing Benjamin were here to experience this time with us. In the weeks without Benjamin and before we knew Charlotte was a part of us, Bella had been a mother without a child, lost within her own battles of grief and loss.

When Benjamin exited Maggie's car and entered Bella's arms, it was as if the whole world exhaled in a sigh of relief. Of peace. A placement so bittersweet that even Benjamin felt it.

He slept for days that first week.

We were concerned of course, but I knew why he was so exhausted, even if he didn't understand it himself. I knew the kind of sleep his mind and body needed, the kind that put his worries to rest and caused his fears to vanish.

The Rec still being on hiatus for another handful of weeks helped us all tremendously.

Bella and I learned to care for Charlotte, noting and doting on her every need. We took in those baby snuggles, the smells, both pleasant and….not so pleasant. We learned how to function on minimal sleep, learned how to squeeze in those powernaps throughout the day so we could somehow make it through the day until night. We learned how to bundle her safely in her car seat, we learned how to sanitize our guests before letting them into our space. We learned to appreciate the quiet times, even though we had grown accustomed to the crazy beneath us.

And while we learned how to grow within our space, Benjamin healed. He saw his therapists, went to school during the day, and came home to us and Charlotte with a tired smile on his face. He loved being here just like he used to. He loved going on outings in the woods just the two of us. He loved when Bella took him to the old bakery in town that had once been new when Bella and I were growing up.

Most of all, he loved Charlotte with his whole heart. He defended her furiously every chance he got, making sure she was never deprived of anything she needed. He was sad when he had to leave her, even if it was only to go to school or meet with Maggie, and his first thought upon waking in the morning was if she was already awake so he could play with her.

At night, when he had given all he could for the day, he slept soundly and peacefully.

"How long should we let him sleep for?" Bella whispered over her shoulder to me as she leaned against the wall outside of his bedroom door one night. I sighed, my eyes never leaving the sight of him sound asleep in the bed that had waited for his return for ten long months.

Rubbing her arms from behind her, I placed a kiss on the side of Bella's neck as we watched him silently, wondering what played behind his closed eyelids. "As long as he needs."

Bella and I shifted into better versions of ourselves during this time, too. Stressful situations, like losing Benji, had taken its toll on us. It took a long time for us to wade in this grief pool, and though we got through it together, there were still times when Benjamin's absence haunted us. Having him back with us, and now with Charlotte, was the bridge that finally connected everything together again.

I remember seeing a smile on Bella's face when the four of us were together in our house above The Rec, and when I saw it I realized that I had not seen her that truly happy in a very long time.

That time, this reconnection with Bella, would end up being one of those reflections that were my favorite to look back on.

But I'll keep that between us – just Bella. Just me.

Days turned into weeks; weeks turned into months.

We watched the seasons change together in a blur of excitement and gratitude. We lived in each moment, and opening The Rec back to the public again in February only added to our growing happiness as a family of four. We watched Benjamin blossom once again, surrounding himself in extra-curricular activities with his peers. He was making friends again, and nothing made us happier than watching him thrive.

We weren't the only ones watching him live his best life, either.

Just like in the past, supervised visits with Heidi and Marcus continued as they did whatever was in their power to regain custody of Benjamin. They came to The Rec often, and each time they came, another piece of our puzzle clicked into place. It was always a comfort to them to know that while Benjamin couldn't be with them, he was here and loved and cared for.

They were there when we all stood around Charlotte's highchair in the dining area of The Rec as Bella placed a small round cake with a single glowing candle in the center. She stared at all of us with her hair wild with curls ablaze, her six teeth showing proudly as she smiled at us before we started to sing.

It had been a year of firsts, that was for sure. We had shouldered first colds and first belly laughs. We had documented the first time she rolled and the first time she got up on all fours to crawl. Two days before today, her first birthday, we watched as she teetered and tottered to meet her most favorite thing in the opposite corner of the room.

Benjamin.

She went from walking to running in two days and had been chasing him ever since. She lived in a whole new world now that she was walking. Well, running. She could no longer bother with things like the stroller or the carrier I liked to keep on my back for her when we went on hikes. No, no. Now, she needed to walk and stroll like the rest of us.

I was surprised she wasn't pitching a fit being strapped in her highchair, but I guess the singing and glowing candle and promise of dessert had swayed her decision.

She was sweet and sass all rolled into one, and she clapped at everyone around us as Bella and I sang next to her, cameras rolling and flashing to document another milestone in our lives.

Charlotte Marie Cullen was officially a one year old.

"Happy Birthday, baby girl," I muttered against her cheek, closing my eyes as she attempted to blow out her first candle on the smash cake she would eventually destroy in a few minutes' time. I wished for all of her wishes to come true.

Being one was kind of a big deal, according to Charlotte. We would eventually learn in the coming months what being one entailed.

"Why 'no'?" I asked, collapsing into bed like the world was ending. Sometimes it felt like it. "Why did her first word have to be 'no'?"

My last words were muffled into my pillow, any effort to move my face from possible suffocation would require too much moving on my part. Spending most of my days chasing after a one year old usually meant my nights ended in the best kind of exhaustion.

Brushing her teeth for the night, Bella laughed from the bathroom - her snicker most likely at my expense, as I regaled her with our daughter's latest antics.

Charlotte was definitely Bella's daughter.

God help me.

Just when I thought I was finally starting to understand women, Charlotte had come waltzing into my life and turned everything upside down. In the best way possible, of course. I did the best I could when I attempted to put her hair into a braid or when her love of shoes began to invade the closet that she shared with Benjamin.

Despite the eight-year age gap between them, Benjamin and Charlotte shared almost everything. Benjamin had insisted on Charlotte moving into his bedroom once she was ready to move out of our bedroom a few months back. Knowing that we were short on space and that they loved being together, we agreed for the time being.

We realized quickly that we would eventually run out of space. Even though Benjamin's placement was still only temporary, it was obvious that the space upstairs was not designed with a family in mind. Still, we held off on having that conversation for the time being, as Benjamin and Charlotte were still attached at the hip and didn't mind sharing the same space.

Benjamin loved this more than anything - having things of his own to share and someone to share them with. He loved when it was just the four of us after a long day of school, followed by a night of entertaining at The Rec, or when we had our usual Sunday dinners with Rose, Emmett, Jasper, Alice and all of our kids.

He especially loved it when Heidi and Marcus joined us for these moments. I loved watching him throughout it all - the smile on his face, the sheer joy of seeing all of his favorite people together at his favorite place on Earth, was all that mattered. He was what this was all about.

While Charlotte had been a happy surprise, we knew that at one point, she would come eventually. Bella and I knew we wanted to have life outside of our own, so we happily waited for her. Her babbles while she played, the stomping of her foot when she had run out of patience with me, mind you, she was still only one! She had been worth the wait.

On the other hand, Benjamin had been a complete and total surprise. He came in on a completely different train of thought. More like a derailment of said train, and while it wasn't always easy cleaning up the mess from the damage, it was the turning point in all of our lives.

Everyone in my life knew my story. But now, through Benjamin, they lived it. They began to understand it. They finally saw the havoc that a life in the system can do to a child. They finally understood the sincerity I felt all the times I had thanked them over the course of my life, the way that each of them had been there through all of the different stages. Charlie and Renee when I had met Bella, Carlisle and Esme when I had lost Bella.

I would spend the rest of my life being that person for Benjamin when Heidi and Marcus could not.

One day in March, a little over a year since Benji had been back with us, it became forever.

"He loves it here," Heidi remarked as we sat on the patio overlooking the kids playing on the grounds. They were scattered all over the grass, some playing soccer in one area, basketball in another. Some were huddled together for warmth, too cool to let others see any type of personal exertion, as we were on the tail end of yet another winter season. Benjamin was in the group of kids playing soccer, as natural as Bella had been when she was a kid.

Hell, she could still whoop my ass on the field today.

"He does," I agreed, blowing into my hands to warm them up as we watched Benjamin run up and down the field with the ball.

"He's happy," Heidi said with her usual smile, her happy disposition always contagious. "I like that."

"Us, too." I answered with a nod. "His happiness is everything. You know all about that, though," I said, nudging her arm with my elbow to acknowledge that I always saw the effort she put into getting Benji the happiness he deserved.

"Yeah." She agreed, nodding her head harder with each shake of her head to validate her point. "He needs to stay here."

I swallowed before responding to her, not sure where this conversation was going. "He'll stay here as long as you need him to." I squeezed her arm this time in hopes she would understand how serious I was about making that happen. "No questions asked."

Heidi shook her head.

"Forever." Another nod, this time I understood it for what she truly meant. "He needs to stay here forever."

She reached into her back pocket and pulled out what looked to be a brochure of some sort, handing it to me in haste. I fumbled to find the front cover. "What's this?"

"Maggie found this for us. It's a place for us to live."

"It looks incredible," I answered with a whisper, trying to keep my voice steady and level and my emotions in check. I had seen places like this before – I had even recommended assisted living facilities like this one to some of my cases at work. This would give Heidi and Marcus everything they needed in their lives. A place to live, food on the table, support from others around them, events and activities to take some of their burdens off of their plate. I inhaled softly when I had finished flipping through the pages of the brochure to the last page. "Perfect, actually."

While staying at a place like this would be an answer to most of their problems, it didn't answer them all. I knew what was coming next and the reality of it had me running my hands over my face in an attempt to maintain my composure.

"Benjamin can't come. He has to stay here." She had tried so hard to hold back the tears, but now that she had spoken the hardest words she would ever say, she was now openly crying. I couldn't blame her one bit as I fought back the tears myself. "We want him to stay here."

"I won't let you down," I told her once I could speak through my tears. "That's my promise to you, Heidi. To you and to Marcus."

We stayed outside until the sun dipped below the trees, painting The Rec and the grass covering our property dark with the end of the day. When I hugged Heidi goodbye, I made sure to hold her closer this time, so she knew I knew how hard this was for her but how right it was for Benjamin.

We would start the legal process soon, but for now, the first thing I had to do was tell my wife.

Something told me that even though this was yet again another huge life-decision I was making for us without her, she wouldn't disagree with my agreeing to it.

I found her when Benjamin and I came inside. She had just taken Charlotte out of the bath and was attempting to put her into a pair of pajamas when we walked into the bedroom Charlotte and Benjamin shared. I took a moment to look around the room, the way we had moved Benji's dresser to a different corner of the room to make space for Charlotte's crib and changing table. Bella had bought one of those storage cube organizer things, and it stored all of their toys neatly, even though it didn't stop Charlotte at all from bulldozing her way through all of the baskets of storage to empty them all over every inch of the floor.

Sharing a room had worked when everything was temporary.

It would not work anymore.

Things were no longer temporary.

"I was thinking," I started once my eyes had done a thorough sweep of the shared room. I paused when Charlotte turned towards the sound of my voice, her screech of happiness at the sight of me making us all temporarily sidetracked.

"You? Thinking?" Bella replied with a laugh as she attempted to hand Charlotte, who was almost upside down in Bella's arms as she tried to reach her way towards me, over to me. "That can't be good for anybody."

I threw Charlotte up in the air, her happy squeals echoing throughout the whole house, and laughed into her cheeks when I caught her again.

"I was thinking," I repeated again loudly, ignoring the familiar jibe from Bella, "that it's been a long time since we've had a renovation around here."

-tr-

The road we were traveling on was never easy. It was full of bumps, even though at parts there were patches of smooth terrain and even picturesque views. We began the process of having a legal and open adoption with Benjamin and Heidi and Marcus soon after we broke the news to Benjamin.

Bella had been thrilled, so much so that she wasn't able to speak coherent sentences the first hour after I had told her. She collapsed in my arms, tears rolling down her cheeks in silent streaks of withheld emotion at the thought of Benjamin becoming ours permanently.

Benjamin had reacted exactly as we thought he would. He was resilient. He was excited. He was sad. He was confused. He was wise beyond his age.

He remained in therapy so he could better process all of these changes while we dealt with social workers and lawyers and judges. When the courts asked if Heidi and Marcus had any other living relatives that would be willing to take Benjamin, and they had answered no, they turned to us.

With Heidi and Marcus' blessing, we took the first steps to make Benjamin ours.

Heidi and Marcus moved into their new assisted living facility in Seattle.

We visited every other weekend, and on the weeks that we weren't visiting, Heidi and Marcus would be at our Sunday dinners. We made sure to celebrate our lives together as one family. We never tried to take their place, would never dream of it, and they were warm and open and welcome to the idea of us being parents to Benjamin, as well.

When the final paper was presented and final signatures were added to the bottom, we felt a chapter of our story together close.

The good thing about our story was that when one chapter ended, another new and better one began.

We let Benjamin open the page to the next chapter in our story, and he did so with the bang of a hammer against the wall in The Rec that faced the playing fields.

It was time for The Rec's second renovation.

-tr-

The renovation we thought would take months to complete ended up turning into one of those projects that never ended. We had plenty of hands to help, so having the manpower to get the job done wasn't the problem.

It was that our children kept growing, and their space and their stuff ended up taking over our lives. There were quite a few times when I had stepped on one too many toys for the night and had tossed the toys outside in a fit of rage. One time Bella had somehow managed to step into the open space of a toy firetruck with one foot and Barbie's jeep with the other foot, and she had ended up roller-skating her way down the hallway, somehow avoiding a trip to the ER.

Bella and I had no intention on buying a house separate than The Rec – part of the reason why The Rec fit into our growing lives was because it was literally right there. If we had to leave a home across town to spend evening and weekend hours away from each other and our family, then it would never work. Owning The Rec would become a chore, a burden, and that was the last thing that we wanted. If there was one thing I took away from Felix, it was that keeping The Rec and family life separate would not work, either.

So, our renovations continued. We built additional space for both the inside and outside. Charlotte and Benjamin had their own rooms, which came in handy for when the time came when keeping them apart was best for all of us.

And our sanity.

"She just misses you," I attempted to reconcile an escalating argument between sixteen-year old Benjamin and eight-year-old Charlotte. "You're not around as much as you used to be, so when you are around, it's hard for her to remember her boundaries."

I had come into Benjamin's room to break up a yelling match between the two of them that ended in the physical removal of Charlotte from Benjamin's room. I had placed her downstairs with her friends at The Rec, already knowing it would only take a total of thirty-two seconds before she tossed her hair over her shoulder and moved on with her life.

Now, back upstairs in Ben's room, he shook his head, not even bothering to change his thought process on how annoying it was to have a little sister who was his constant shadow, following him around from room to room.

"So, I can't have a job now?" He asked, tossing his phone onto his bed angrily.

Confused, I looked over at him strangely. Not only was I trying to deal with having a strong-willed daughter, I was also treading water when it came to having a teenager in the house. "Definitely didn't say that," I said, trying to read through unspoken words of teenage angst. "I need you, man."

"That's bullshit, Dad," Ben answered back, flopping down onto his bed in frustration. "I work here at The Rec; it's not like she's not down there playing while I work the entire time."

"Shh – don't let Bella hear you talk like that," I whispered, looking over my shoulder towards the open door behind me.

"Too late!" was the reply we heard as Bella continued on her way down the hall.

Benji and I both froze for a moment, waiting to see if we were off the hook. When Bella said nothing else, I let out a sigh of relief.

I could deal when I was on one shit-list of the females I loved and lived with, but not both. Not both.

"Look, just do me a favor and spend time with her when you can, okay? Take her out to ice cream, buy her a new pair of shoes, whatever you want to do. Don't forget she loves you more than she loves me, okay?"

This exaggeration brought a smile to his lips, even though it was tiny and barely there, I still saw it.

"She's terrible," he reminded me in a teasing voice. They still fought and loved each other like siblings do, and I laughed at his words with a shake of my head.

"The worst," I agreed, looking out the window to watch Charlotte boss her way around the playground as usual. Feisty and never one to be taken advantage of, my daughter once again took my breath away.

Once Ben got over this latest tiff with his sister a few minutes later, he joined me at the window and watched her rule the world down below. He chuckled. "If she's like this now, how are we going to survive when she's sixteen?"

"God help us all."

Thanks for reading again this week!

Join my group, Lily Jill Fics, to follow along on this crazy ride with me.

When I was writing The Rec, I didn't feel the way I am feeling now. Now, as we have two more chapters and an epi left, I'm at peace with Edward and Bella's story. When The Rec was coming to a close, I felt there was still more to their story. Now that we're closing back in to the first two chapters at Charlotte's wedding, I feel so happy that I was able to give this E/B the story they deserved to tell.

And I thank you, for sticking along for both of these stories.

I hope you join me on my next writing adventure. The Muse in the Shadows is definitely different than anything else I've written. I think you'll like it, though. We'll just have to find out!

See you next week! (AH – hopefully. We're going camping for Halloween weekend so you may get an earlier update – hopefully not a later one!)

Here's your preview for Chapter 10:

Remember when thirty seemed so old

Now looking back

It's just a stepping stone

To where we are

Where we've been

Said we'd do it all again

Remember when