Chapter XXIII
"Hold on, Castle!"
Her cruiser nose-dived into the Hudson River and the only thing they could do was hold on.
Castle had seen this in movies and books and always thought it was pretty cool. He knew that once the car was submerged, the outside pressure would make it nearly impossible to open the door, so you had to wait until the inside of the vehicle was nearly full of water before you even tried. He also knew that it would take between 60 and 120 seconds for an average-sized car to fill with water.
What he hadn't known until this very moment was how terrifying it would be to actually experience it.
His heart raced and his fingers were so shaky that it was next to impossible to undo his seatbelt.
"I'm stuck."
The panic in Kate's voice instantly made him snap out of his.
"What do you mean you're stuck?"
"I mean my belt is jammed and the seat won't move!"
He watched her tug and pull at it trying to get it undone. He undid his own belt and tried to help with hers, yanking at it with as much force as he could muster. But it was no use.
Meanwhile, the car continued its descent and was quickly filling up with water. As if that weren't horrifying enough, Kate's gun had somehow dislodged itself during the impact and neither of them could find it.
The water already covered their legs.
"What about a knife?"
"In the trunk…."
Fuck.
With water up to their waists now, Castle searched for her gun. If he found it, he could shoot off the belt.
But he needed to find it first.
His initial dive inside the car yielded nothing and he was forced to come back up for air.
Not that there was much of that left either. The car was nearly full of water and the panic in Kate's eyes was paralyzing him.
"Castle…."
He dove back down and frantically groped in every nook and cranny with his frozen fingers. Willed the damn weapon to appear.
His lungs threatened to burst.
They really needed to get out. Not just out of the now fully submerged car but out of the river.
But there was no way he was leaving her behind. Not happening.
Suddenly something hard and metallic brushed against him. Her gun!
Castle grabbed it and went straight for the belt. Two rounds, twice, just above the metal fastener. The bullets went straight into the cushioning of the seat and they did enough damage that it took only one fierce tug to rip the belt apart.
Kate was free but her movements in the cold water were sluggish.
Castle's lungs were on fire. If nothing else, at least the doors opened easily now. He grabbed her wrist and used his legs to propel them both up.
Up.
Up.
Up.
It was the only thing he focused on. Moving up. Towards air.
And with the last strength left in his legs, he gave it one more push before both their heads broke through the surface.
He gasped and coughed for air and saw that Kate was doing the same. She coughed out some river water too. It's all they did in those first few seconds. Breathe. Heavily, noisily, and awkwardly.
And when their lungs stopped threatening to explode, they slowly tested their limbs and started swimming. Until they found an indented spot along the concrete river wall that gave them enough of a grip to climb back onto land. Castle pushed her up first and when she was on land, Kate held out her arm and helped hoist him up.
They collapsed on their backs. Still gasping and coughing until Beckett got up on her knees and hovered over him. "You okay?"
"Awesome. Never a dull day going to work with you."
Her wet hair dripped down on his, and her face lit up with giddy relief. "It's hard, you know, keeping you entertained."
God, he loved this woman.
He grabbed her elbows so that she collapsed on top of him. So he could wrap his arms around her. He gave her some much-needed body warmth and stole some of hers for him. There was no one around them in this abandoned industrial pier. But he wouldn't have cared if there were. He desperately needed to feel her heart beating next to his. "You really don't have to try this hard."
Kate didn't fight him on it. As spent as he was, she rested her head on his chest, while one hand reached up to cup his jaw. "Thanks, by the way. For saving my ass."
"I like your ass. A lot. Saving it was a selfish act."
Her beautiful eyes locked with his, suddenly serious, and he let himself soak in the sight of her.
They remained like that for an endless moment. A silent, mutual acknowledgment that they knew how close they'd come. That they were grateful more than anything, even though their adrenaline-fuelled bodies had masked it with humour.
Until Kate pushed herself back up, shivering hard.
"We should probably call for help."
The coroner had only just put Blakely's body on a stretcher when the CIA suddenly stormed on the scene.
Sophia Turner then promptly dragged them back to her underground headquarters only to chew them out for not calling the CIA the minute they contacted Blakely.
Castle was the one who took the full brunt of Sophia's wrath because it was clear that she was making it personal. Words like immature, selfish and jackass flew from her lips in front of every agent in the room, and as much as Beckett hated the recent closeness between Castle and his ex, she felt bad for him just then.
By the end of it all, Sophia Turner officially kicked them out, which was perfectly fine by her. After all, they'd been coerced into cooperating with the CIA to begin with.
They sat mostly in silence while driving to the morgue, and when Beckett tried to broach the subject Castle, still licking his wounds, immediately raised a defensive hand. "Just don't, okay?"
So this time she didn't push. "Okay."
Castle thought that this meant the case was closed, but of course it wasn't. Beckett reminded him that they now had three murders to solve. Last time she checked she didn't need permission from the CIA to solve a murder in her jurisdiction.
Of course the bastards would hamper her investigation. The CIA had already obtained a court order for Dr. Blakely's body. All of it was making her more determined than ever to find Thomas Gage.
It was late by the time Ryan dug up one of Blakely's secret identities and her next plan of action was to find someone whom he'd been in contact with, because they needed to know more about Pandora. If they tracked down his mission, they'd find the man at the same time.
"Come home with me tonight," Castle said softly, when everyone else at the precinct was out of earshot.
It sounded too much like a plea for her to consider turning him down. Never mind that she wanted him tonight too and she was craving a long hot shower in an apartment with a rainforest shower head and guaranteed hot water. "Okay."
He left the precinct first, only a few minutes ahead of her, and was waiting for her in the lobby of his building when her cab arrived there after his.
"Hey…" He put his arm around her when they stepped into the elevator and Kate caught a slight smile from his Cuban doorman. Castle's four doormen were among the few people in on their relationship. "Alexis is home, but she's already had dinner so we probably won't see much of her. As for my mother, I have no idea where she is. She may or may not make a dramatic appearance."
Kate smiled and leaned in to him, enjoying the fact that in this one building they didn't have to hide and pretend. On the surface it seemed like she really had nothing in common with Martha Rodgers, and Castle's mothers was so very from her own, but she liked her. A lot. "It's okay."
Martha was indeed nowhere to be found when they stepped into the loft and the door to Alexis's room was closed. She doubted that they'd see little Castle tonight.
Beckett stepped into the bedroom with him and then almost pulled out her gun. "What the hell…?"
Sitting on Castle's queen-sized bed was none other than Sophia Turner, long legs crossed and sporting her usual smug smirk.
"Well, look at that." the ex-girlfriend exclaimed. "Although I did suspect it, I didn't realize that sex is always a side benefit of your research, Rick. I used to think I was special."
Yeah, so did I.
"I am going to murder you…"
"Kate!" Castle held her back and stepped in between her and Sophia. Had he not she might have literally wiped the grin off Sophia's face.
Instead, she spent the next two minutes fuming silently while Sophia explained that she had to dress them down in public earlier today. That bringing them in had never been a popular decision with the CIA and that secretly she still trusted them to continue their investigation. That she knew very well what kind of an asset Castle could be.
"It's your nature," Sophia pointed out to him. "You need to know how the story ends." Then she handed him a piece of paper. "And so do I."
"What is this?" Castle asked and then answered his own question. "They're account numbers."
"We found this on Blakely. They belong to domestic banks."
"And the CIA can't investigate US citizens," Castle finished the sentence for her.
Her smug smirk got smugger. "Exactly." She looked at both of them. "Just keep me in the loop this time." Then she inched even closer to Castle. "And Rick, please don't get killed. I'm still quite fond of you."
Beckett wanted to throttle her.
It was the last thing she said before she turned on her heels and sauntered out of his loft.
"You have got to be kidding me," Beckett exhaled a sharp breath. Furious.
"I did not know she was going to do that," Castle told her.
She glared at him. It didn't matter that she believed him, she needed to get out of this bedroom. Out of his apartment. "I can't do this…"
"What?"
"Stay here tonight after your ex-girlfriend came to your bedroom to stake her claim. I mean, who's to say what would have happened if I hadn't been here with you…"
"Woah…wait." His eyes widened in angry disbelief. "Nothing would have happened."
She ran a hand through her hair. The mounting nausea she'd started feeling a couple of hours after getting out of the river was getting worse and Sophia Turner hadn't helped. "I'm going home, Castle."
"Kate, please," he grabbed her wrist. "Stay."
She slipped out of his grasp. "I can't…"
"I watched you almost drown in the Hudson River today." There was a hitch in his voice when he said it. "I need you tonight. Please."
She swallowed. Bile rising in her throat. "Look…I don't feel so good. I don't think I'll be good company."
"I don't care." He was standing so close now. "Stay."
"Fine…" She mumbled under her breath, grabbing the well-worn NYPD t-shirt she'd kept in one of his drawers, a relic from her academy days. She didn't ask him to join her in the shower and for once he didn't invite himself.
She was glad that he didn't, because she threw up the sandwich that she ate an hour ago as soon as she stepped into the bathroom. One of the paramedics at the crime scene tonight told her she might feel sick after swallowing the river water. That there wasn't much she could do about it except let it pass. He told her to see a doctor if there was vomiting or diarrhea that lasted more than a week.
She took a shower and cleaned up, and then padded into the bedroom, surprised to see that Castle wasn't there but there was a mug of tea of on the night table, next to a round, beige tablet of sorts. A note next to it said – Hudson river antidote for you
It put a lop-sided smile on her face. You maddening, wonderful man.
She slid under the covers and scooped up the tablet and put it in her mouth. He was still the only person in the world she trusted blindly. It was chalky with a strong hint of ginger. Then she picked up the mug of tea to help wash it down. Chamomile and mint.
Castle came into the bedroom and closed the door behind him. He wore an oversized Life is Good t-shirt that she got him a few weeks ago. It was the only thing she'd bought for him. An impulsive purchase, because the blue colour reminded her of his eyes and the little motto on the chest reminded her of him.
"Thought that might help settle your stomach."
"Thanks."
"You were looking a little green at the precinct this afternoon."
Of course he'd noticed everything. "Didn't you swallow any of it?"
He crawled into bed with her. "I leave the swallowing to you."
She groaned.
"Okay, that was bad." But he giggled anyway, big kid that he was. "Come here."
She let him spoon her and felt the last of her tension slowly ease out of her body. He moved a gentle hand over her queasy stomach and planted a kiss on her bare shoulder. "Stop being so damn stoic. Tell me if you're feeling sick. I raised a kid, you know. Nothing much grosses me out."
"Good to know."
One of his legs moved between hers and of course it turned her on. There was something about those strong, hard calves that always left her a little weak.
"Kate…"
"Hmm?"
"Nothing would have happened between me and Sophia tonight if you hadn't been here. You do know that, right?"
She did. Deep in her heart she knew, even as some of her inexplicable insecurities dared her to distrust those instincts.
Kate squirmed in his embrace and turned around to face him. "I know. I'm sorry…what I said before. I didn't mean it. There's just something about Sophia Turner. I've let her get under my skin."
"Sophia's past tense. Nothing more." He was unusually serious. "I've been with a lot of women, Kate. I won't deny that. It's not always something that I'm proud of, even though us men, we're taught to wear it with a badge of honour. As screwed up as that as that double standard is." He sighed. "I enjoy women."
"Yeah…I know."
"But lately, it hasn't always been purely for the pleasure. In those months and years before you came along, when I often couldn't string two good paragraphs together to save my life, I did for validation too. To convince myself that if a beautiful woman still slept with me then I was still worth something."
Kate exhaled, and didn't say anything. Let him go on.
"That, I'm definitely not proud of," he admitted, brushing some of her hair out of her face. "But I am proud that I've never been a cheater and I have no intention of ever being one."
She looked him in the eyes and caught the sadness he so rarely ever let anyone see. The one that let her know he'd been cheated on, by someone whom he loved, and that it had cut deep. "Me neither."
His eyes never wavered from hers. "Are we okay?"
"Yeah…" She turned around again, and let her body meld into his. A perfect fit. Then she took his arm, so he could wrap it around her and pull her closer still. "We're okay."
So they kept digging.
Beckett went through the account numbers that Sophia had given them and the boys canvassed the city's chess parks in the hopes of finding someone who'd played with Blakely. Someone whom he might have confided in.
It paid off.
Her partners found an economics professor who had frequent chess matches with Blakely and who thought he knew the building where Blakely lived.
They were slowly, tenaciously, getting somewhere.
They even found his apartment, and when they did, it was a frightening glimpse into the man's obsession.
They discovered an entire room dedicated to his linchpin theory. Dozens of post-it notes tied to strings that connected meticulously from one side of the room to another. Dire predictions of tax riots and the Syrian invasion of Israel, all of them ending with World War Three.
"This can't be real," Beckett pointed out. Skeptical. No matter how brilliant he was, all of this was dependent on way too many unpredictable variables. "No one can predict all this."
"Maybe. But a bunch of people smarter than we think he can, and they killed him to cover it up," Castle countered, and then walked over to a photo pinned to a wall full of post-it notes. A photo of a young Asian girl, beneath the words: "Pandora – Linchpin."
"I have to call Sophia," Castle told her. "She has to know."
But then came another voice, out of nowhere, along with the cocking of a gun. "Put the phone down."
Beckett turned around. Shocked. "Gage?"
He was pointing a rifle at them. "Now run!"
Beckett barely had time to react to the smoke bomb that rolled into the room. Or to the gunshots that came crashing through the window.
Gage took them out into the hallway and Castle stared at him. "I thought you were the bad guy?"
"If I were the bad guy you'd be dead by now."
Beckett had to admit that Gage had a point. She made a split decision to trust him and let him lead them to an SUV that he drove to an underground garage. Away from whoever was trying to kill them.
Castle tried to call the CIA, but Gage wouldn't have it.
"No calls."
Inside the SUV, Beckett finally got Gage to talk, and in the end she wasn't sure she could believe a single word.
He told them he didn't kill McGrath or Blakely. That he was being framed. Going after him was just a distraction so that whoever was hellbent on putting in motion Blakely's linchpin theory could do so undeterred while everyone else was busy chasing him instead.
Gage said he was trying to stop Pandora from taking place and he needed to know who the linchpin target was.
Beckett hesitated, still unsure as to whether he could be trusted.
She didn't have to make the decision, because suddenly their SUV was stormed. More armed gunmen. And then Sophia Turner came into view, pleased to have finally caught her rogue asset.
"Hello, Thomas."
All of them were dragged back to the CIA bunker. Gage maintaining his innocence while Sophia was convinced he was guilty.
The biggest thing that nagged at Beckett was that Gage didn't know who the linchpin was. If he had he been behind this Pandora mission, wouldn't he have known? Why would he have pretended otherwise?
But at least now they had something.
The picture of the young Asian girl.
They didn't know who she was yet, but they knew she was the linchpin.
Beckett figured that the CIA's fancy gadgets would find a way to track her down.
And when initial attempts didn't, then Sophia Turner decided to take another stab at questioning Gage, only to find him dead in the interrogation room.
How the hell can that be possible? Beckett thought. In this fortress, full of security cams?
One thing was certain. There was a mole in the CIA. It wasn't Gage and they came from this office.
The hunt to find him, or her, was on. Someone had to have disabled the security camera in the holding cell where Gage was.
Castle was fascinated of course, to see the technology at work, and for the first time since they started working this case it didn't make her jealous of Sophia and all her high-tech toys. Instead, it reminded her how much she loved his endless curiosity.
"Danberg," someone announced, and suddenly all eyes were on Agent Martin Danberg, the man who Beckett thought was the second-in-command and appeared to be Sophia's right-hand man.
Of course he denied it, especially once a dozen guns were aimed at him, including Beckett's.
Sophia ordered him to put down his weapon but instead of complying, Danberg took a hostage and dragged her into the elevator. They tried to shut down the elevator, but by they time they did and brought it back down, the only person left inside was the hostage. Unharmed.
For the first time since they started this case, Beckett thought that Sophia was rattled. She paced around the room, expressing her fears that Danberg might have a partner.
A lot of it still didn't make sense to Beckett, starting with why someone within the CIA would want to start a chain of events that would plunge the United States into chaos and turmoil.
"Money? Ideology?" Sophia suggested.
"The motivation doesn't matter right now," Castle cut in. "All that matters is that we stop Pandora from happening."
That seemed to rattle Sophia even more, until Castle suddenly had an idea. The photo of the Asian girl hadn't panned out on their facial recognition technology, but what about the background? The mountain range in the background of the picture might at least narrow down their search.
Sophia's face lit up and then she planted a provocative and completely uncalled-for kiss on Castle's cheek. "You are a genius!"
If the world didn't end before this case did, Beckett truly was going to kill her.
Even with the CIA's computing power, the topographical search for the exact mountains in the background of the photo took several hours, and it was very-early morning by the time they finally got a hit.
It belonged to a mountain range just outside Hangzhou. With that they could start a school uniform search until they found one matching the one the girl was wearing. And once they got that far, the answer came quickly.
She was the daughter of a Chinese businessman whose name meant nothing to Beckett, but it definitely rang a bell with Sophia Turner.
Xiang Ganghong was a kingmaker of sorts, one with close ties to the Chinese ruling party, especially the Minister of Finance. He was a major influencer in Chinese economic policy, especially their decision to purchase US debt, and that's when things began to make sense.
If the killing of his daughter could be traced back to the US, it could end that policy. It could end the US's ability to continue deficit spending.
"Austerity measures would be introduced, we could lose our ability to deploy our military," Sophia pointed out.
"Ganghong and his wife and daughter are here, in New York, for a trade summit meeting at the UN," one of the CIA agents informed them.
Beckett was about to call Gates, to make sure the NYPD was aware, but Sophia stopped her. She insisted that the NYPD was no match for a killer with CIA training and the last thing she wanted was word of this to get out. To cause an international incident.
It went against all her instincts, but there nothing Beckett could do. Except follow her to the UN and give her as much support as they could. Castle included.
"I have another CIA team I can reach out to," Sophia assured her.
When the three of them arrived at the building in question, there was an agent waiting for them and Sophia led them through a garage and into a giant, empty underground room.
The lack of back-up for something so vital. The cavernous room with nothing inside it.
Something wasn't right.
"Where are we going?" Castle asked, as if he felt it too.
And in that split second when Sophia Turner drew her weapon and pointed it at Beckett, she suddenly verified that uneasy feeling about the woman that she'd felt right from the start. The one that she'd pushed aside as irrational jealousy.
Beckett drew her own weapon, but it was too late.
The other agent, Sophia's partner, already had another gun pointed at her head.
Castle stared at his ex-girlfriend, not ready to believe it just yet. "What are you doing?"
Beckett had an easier time believing it. She faced Sophia, in spite of the gun pointed at her. "Danberg wasn't the mole, was he? You are."
"Go kill the girl," Sophia ordered the other agent, verifying Beckett's accusation. "I'll take care of these two."
"It was you this whole time?" It was still a question, voiced with stunned disbelief. The sheer scope of Sophia's betrayal makes Beckett ache for him. Makes her wish this was nothing more than a cruel joke.
"I'm afraid so."
"Then why bring us here?" Castle can't grasp it. "Why not just leave us at the facility?"
"Because you don't stop! You need to know the story, the whole story, and if something doesn't add up, you just don't let go."
She was right about that, Beckett thought. It was one of the things she loved most about him. His tenacity. His perseverance. If he hadn't been so interested in her own story, they might never have ended up together.
When Beckett accused Sophia of killing McGrath and Blakely, as well as Gage, she didn't deny any of it.
That didn't bode well for their longevity.
"I don't buy it," Castle told her, still reeling. "The Sophia I know wouldn't sell out her country for money. Not for anything."
"Well, that's one thing you got wrong, Rick. This was never my country." Beckett's eyes widened when she heard her say the last part in Russian.
And that was it. She was done confessing.
Still aiming her gun at them, she kicked Beckett in the back of the knees, making her land on them.
"On your knees. Both of you."
Castle did as she ordered. Not needing the kick.
When Beckett told her she'd never get away with it, Sophia snickered. Of course she would. She'd pin it all on Danberg, including their deaths. "Don't worry, I'll make it sound heroic," she turned in Castle's direction. "Your father will be very proud."
Castle's head snapped around. "My father?"
"You don't think you gained special access to the CIA back then because of your charm, do you?"
The shock was written all over Castle's face, but Sophia was unrelenting. "You really don't know, do you? And now you never will."
Her finger was already on the trigger and in that instant, Beckett felt the ground open beneath her, about to plunge her into darkness.
She couldn't watch. All she could do was scream.
"No!"
Then a bullet flew though the air and a body fell to the ground.
Beckett couldn't breathe and she gasped for air.
Not Castle. It's not Castle.
The realization hit her when she saw Sophia's lifeless body lying on the ground next to her.
"Come on!" It was Danberg who'd shot her. Danberg who'd entered the room just in the nick of time before Sophia pulled the trigger to kill Castle. "We don't have time."
Beckett stole a glance towards Castle, who was still on his knees, shell-shocked.
He's okay.
Breathe.
She had to tell herself that before getting up on shaky legs and running out of the room with Danberg. They had to stop the assassination of the girl. Nothing else mattered right now. Not even her overwhelming need to throw her arms around Castle.
She didn't say a word as she ran out of the room with the CIA agent.
And somehow they did it.
Thanks to Sophia revealing the shooter to them, they got to him before he could shoot the girl.
Beckett tackled him in the middle of the building's lobby, just as he was about to aim at Ganghong's daughter, and with Danberg's help she slapped a pair of cuffs on him and dragged him out of the building.
No one even batted an eye.
SoHo, NYC
She went home with him.
Because she couldn't imagine leaving him alone tonight. He'd been sombre most of the evening, barely exchanging more than a few words over the margarita pizza they had delivered from his favourite place in Brooklyn.
Neither of them was particularly hungry. Her stomach still wasn't up for much food and he seemed to take none of the pleasure he usually did from what he'd told her, more than once, was the "best pizza in New York, and just to be clear, by that I mean the state, not the city."
Rick was brooding tonight and that wasn't something she'd ever seen him do before. Brooding was her modus operandi, not his. But she didn't blame him. Not after what he'd seen today. Sophia's shocking betrayal followed by her unsettling revelation.
"Wanna talk about it?" she asked him, gently, after setting aside her half-eaten second slice, knowing she wouldn't finish the rest.
He raised his eyes in her direction and then toyed with a piece of pizza crust, pushing it idly around the carton. "Do you think what Sophia said before Danberg killed her was true? About my father and the CIA?"
It was a good question, because she wondered about the answer herself. Castle had asked Danberg about it afterward, but the CIA agent told them he knew nothing about Rick's father.
"I think…" She weighed her words. "That Sophia told a lot of lies." From what little she'd known of her she'd also seen that it was more than that. Sophia took pleasure from the malicious jabs she'd thrown around. Maybe this was just one more.
"When I was a kid I used to make up stories in my head about my father," Castle told her, closing the pizza box. He mustered a grin. "I know you're shocked to hear this."
She smiled back at him. "You? Make up stories? No way."
"It's such a cliché, isn't it? Kid gets abandoned by his Dad and the kid then makes up stories that his Dad's some top-secret spy. That he left his son not because he didn't want him but because he's on these super important missions to save the world. That he's doing it for his son."
She watched him swallow the last of the wine in his glass and it broke her heart for the boy that he used to be. It made her angry too. Made her personally want to hunt down this coward of a man who never showed his face to his son. The son who'd become a most wonderful man in spite of it all.
It made her wonder what was worse, knowing your parent is dead or not knowing anything at all.
"It's stupid, isn't it?"
Kate shook her head, slid off her barstool and moved to his side of the kitchen counter. Then she draped an arm over him and leaned in to kiss that soft spot just below his ear. "No. It's not. Not stupid at all."
He turned around and grabbed her arm, and stood up slowly, so close to her that she could feel the rise of his body against her. Could feel the residual tension in his body.
He pulled her in towards him with more force than usual, reminding her of his strength. That even though he could be soft and gentle, there was this part of him too. This bear of a man who could lift her with ease and shoot her seatbelt off in a sinking car before yanking her back up to the water's surface.
His muscles were tight and hard and she wanted to give him the release he needed so badly.
She grabbed the collar of his shirt, just as tightly as he was holding her. Kissed him, on the lips this time, and let him know that whatever he needed to get out of his system, she could handle it.
Her teeth dug into his lower lip, bit him hard enough that it hurt.
"Kate…" Her name was a growl, one that came from deep in his throat. A harsh, hunger that demanded flesh. "Need you."
"I know you do." She took his mouth again and claimed it and she let him push her into the bedroom, while her hands worked on getting off his pants. "Take what you need and don't you dare hold back."
He didn't. Not tonight.
He already had a grip on the back of her thighs and hoisted her up, giving her legs the chance to snake around him and rest on his hips.
As soon as they slammed the bedroom door shut, he took her. Yanked off her jeans and thrust inside her, so hard and deep and fast that it made her gasp. He was so desperately quick that for the first time ever they couldn't quite find a rhythm.
But she didn't care. This was a different kind of ecstasy. That thin line between pleasure and pain and the knowledge that her body could give him exactly what he needed.
After that first, frantic round she knew he wasn't done. Neither of them were.
He pulled her into bed and wouldn't let her take off the rest of her clothes because he wanted to do it.
"No. I want to do it. Please."
She closed her eyes and surrendered to his touch. He took his sweet time, exploring every inch of newly bared skin as though he were seeing it for the first time. Claiming some parts with his hands and others with his mouth. And when she opened her eyes he kissed them shut.
"Let me surprise you."
And he did, snaking his tongue inside her until she groaned with desire and arched her body in response.
"Fuck."
"Yes, ma'am."
He was impossibly hard again.
And then he came again. Harder and deeper still than the first time. His nails digging into her ass to align themselves and leaving behind crescent moons.
They wouldn't be the only marks he'd leave tonight.
They went one more round until finally he had nothing left to give and he buried his face against her. Holding onto to her until he fell asleep. And then she let herself give in to exhaustion too.
Their limbs were still entangled when she bolted upright in bed a couple of hours later. Sitting up before she was fully awake.
"Kate?" Whatever had startled her awake also woke him too, "Hey…it's okay."
Her hands were shaking and she knew why. Because she saw Sophia shooting him. Saw Castle collapse to the floor in a lifeless heap instead of her.
And then she woke up and noticed that tears were streaming down her cheeks.
Castle was already wiping them away with his thumb. "You had a nightmare."
Yes, it was. Her first one here, at the loft.
She took a swipe across her cheeks with the palm of her hand. "Sorry, I woke you."
He took her hand and kissed it. "Don't ever be sorry for that."
Then he slid out of bed and came back with an ice-cold glass of water and handed it to her.
Her scar pulled when she reached for it and she must have winced because Castle suddenly frowned and had that guilty, remorseful look on his face, the same one he had when she first caught a newspaper article about her mother's murder on his laptop.
"I'm sorry."
She took a grateful sip of the cold water. It always helped to ground her and slow down her racing heart. "Sorry for what?"
"Tonight…was kinda rough. I hurt you."
"That…wasn't you." She took another sip of water and then a deep breath. "If you'd hurt me, I'd have said something."
The guilt was still etched on his beautiful face but he managed a smile. "Liar."
"You needed tonight and I hope it helped. But I also…I liked it."
"Kate, if…"
"Hey…" She furrowed her brows. Maybe she'd be more annoyed if she wasn't still trying to calm her racing heart. "I'm not as fragile as I look, bud."
"Oh, I know…" His hand reached for her and he trailed her jawline with his thumb and then his index finger trailed her lips. "You wanna talk about it?"
"The sex or my dream?"
He smiled at her. "Either? Both?"
No. The word was already on the tip of her tongue. Her nightmares still weren't something that she ever wanted to talk about. Not even with him. But this particular nightmare made her realize that maybe some things needed to be said.
It was time.
"I dreamed that Sophia shot you."
"Oh…"
"I watched it happen and when I saw you lying on the ground…" She shivered and suddenly goose bumps ran up her arms. "That's when the ground opened up underneath me. Swallowed me…"
"Hey…" He pulled her close. "I'm here. Not dead. Alive. In a loft with very sturdy floors."
"I think I dreamed it because that part was real. I lived it."
"What do you mean?"
She met his eyes. "When Sophia had her gun pointed at you tonight, ready to shoot, I thought I'd lost you. My whole world collapsed in that second." Her mouth was suddenly so dry and her hands were shaking again. She pushed them under her thighs. "It made me realize how much I love you."
His eyes widened and his lips parted. She could see the surprise on his face but she couldn't tell whether it was good or not.
"Look…" Kate added. "I'm not saying it because I need to hear it back. Or because I expect you to feel the same. I just…" She struggled to find the right words. Wishing for once that it would come more easily for her, or that maybe she'd thought this through instead of blurting it out. "I just wanted you to know that I do. I love you."
And now his eyes lit up. Followed by his entire face. "Oh Kate…"
Was he laughing at her?
"Hey, you asked…" she turned away from him, suddenly embarrassed. She couldn't remember the last time she'd laid her heart bare like this. When clearly he wasn't ready for…
"Kate…" His hand was on her chin, guiding her towards his gaze halting her thoughts and forcing her to look at him. "Do you really think I don't love you?"
She stared at him, not understanding.
"I think I fell in love with you the first time we went out for dinner together. In Philadelphia. You took my breath away that night, so first I fell in lust…and then you trusted me with your story and I was already falling hard. I just…" He was grinning. "I never in a million years expected you to be the first one to tell me."
She hated that her relief was so immense that she could feel her eyes well up. Hated that loving this beautiful man was slowly tearing down all her walls and making her stupidly vulnerable. So she whacked his bare chest to let him know it. "You never said…"
Of course she'd made him grin even more. "I haven't told you because… I didn't want to scare you off. You're so guarded sometimes. So unwilling to let me in. I'm always afraid to push too much. I still wasn't sure you were ready to hear me tell you just how crazy in love I am with you. Have been for some time."
She wiped away a tear. "Looks like I am. Thanks to your awful ex-girlfriend."
His grinning face leaned in to kiss her, his hands cradling her neck. Possessive and tender all at once. "I love you, Kate Beckett. For a thousand reasons, but especially for loving me back."
"God, you're such a writer."
"I love you." He was kissing her neck. "I'm gonna say it all the time now. You'll get sick of it."
"Okay, stop talking now." His grin was contagious. It had travelled to her own lips. "Show me."
His kisses trailed lower and lower, while his hands slowly slipped off the comforter that covered her, letting his eyes roam over her naked body. He was kissing the subtle rise of her belly when he looked up at her with a smile.
"Always."