Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This

Chapter 143

Author's Note: I may wait for the Governor's attack until after I get back from training. Or I may do it right before. I still have a couple things to figure out (now that Jewel's going to wind up at Terminus before the group) like what I'm doing with Merle. But you guys all love me! I really didn't mean this to be a Ronnie centric chapter with her conversation with Rick, but the woman kept talking at me. LOL. I have a feeling I'm going to divert from season 5 a lot, since a friend told me in the comics Rick has a love interest. Yeah…Jewel's laughing at that.

If anyone knows how to do a Youtube video w/an OC, and feeling generous, please contact me. I seriously want one for this and haven't a clue! Begging!

Anyway, review please.

Ronnie and Rick's POV:

Ronnie rubbed her the tears away from her eyes as she saw heard the infirmary door open and turned around. "Rick," she greeted as she looked at the bandage on his hand. "Did Jewel change that bandage this morning?" she asked.

Rick smiled. "She's good like that," he answered.

"If you're here to say you're sorry about Ridge…please don't," Ronnie said as she turned back to gather supplies.

Rick walked over to her. "Ronnie…"

Ronnie shook her head and looked at him. "Rick, I've heard 'sorry' so many times in the past 48 hours that I can't hear it anymore, not right now. It's not going to bring him back Rick. Everyone acts like because I didn't break down and go to my knees, that there's something wrong with me. It's just the opposite, Rick. I didn't break down because people needed me, people would have died without me and it would have made Ridge's death that much more senseless. When Hershel told me, I wanted revenge the same as Tyreese did and if people didn't need me, I would have probably went after it."

"But something changed?" Rick asked as he looked at her.

The dark haired woman leaned against the table. "I'll tell you like I told Tyreese, I might have been Air Force and I know my way around a gun, but I'm a Doctor first. No matter how much I have to change for this world, I can't and I won't let it change the oath I took. Ridge wouldn't have wanted me to go look for revenge, Rick, he wouldn't have wanted me to use his death for something senseless like that. I came here with a group, and you all welcomed us, and for a while we were safe. Now, they all might be gone, but I owe it to them, and I owe it to everyone else here, to do what I know how to do. It's not going to be long until Jewel makes you a daddy again. After this all blows over, then my top priority is going to be by her side. I'm grieving, Rick, but I can't do it like other people expect me to," Ronnie told him.

Rick looked at her. He admired her for her strength and took a breath. "Ronnie there's something I need to tell you."

Ronnie looked at him. "You found who did it," she stated simply.

Rick looked surprised. "How?"

"You think you're the only one who can put together clues and read between the lines?" Ronnie asked. "I didn't get the rank that I did by not being observant, Rick. I've testified in a couple murder trials while I was in. I've also got eyes, and I can tell people's actions. I saw Carol after that…before I found out about Ridge. She handled herself around me just a slight different. I don't mean that she acted guilty, cause she didn't, but there was something off when I asked her if she had checked on Ridge and Karen. I didn't even think about it until Axel asked if I had seen Carol after he got back last night. She's not here, and you and Summer went on that run with her."

"I haven't told Tyreese yet, haven't even told Daryl or Axel. They needed there minds straight last night after they got back, I needed to see Jewel," Rick told her. "I couldn't have her here, not around my family, not around my wife. Certainly not around you and Tyreese, I mean Tyreese almost killed me, he was so angry," he told her.

"I've seen Tyreese's face, Rick, you got in your fair licks. And from what Hershel told me you almost broke your hand doing it," Ronnie told him.

"I'm not proud of it," Rick admitted.

Ronnie nodded. "You don't have to say another word to me about your decision Rick, right or wrong, it's done."

"What would you have done if she was still here? If you had to look in her eyes, if you had to be around her every day?" Rick asked curiously.

Ronnie picked up the tray she had collected and looked at him. "I've already forgiven her."

Rick looked at her. "How? How can you possibly let go of the anger you must be feeling and forgive her?"

Ronnie shook her head, a strand of hair falling from the bun she had it in. "I forgive her because it's what I need to do to concentrate on what has to be done for those that are living. It'll be easier for me to grieve when this is all over if I'm not holding on to a grudge," she explained. She gave a small smile when she saw his look of confusion on his face. "About ten years ago, a wife of one of the medics in the hospital I was working at was raped and murdered. They caught who did it, and every day this young man went to his trial, listened to all the evidence, all the cops testimony. He thought he'd find some closure in it, find some answers. He told me all he wanted to do was to get to the point of forgiveness so he could forgive himself for not being there when she needed him. The day of the verdict, I went with him to support him. He was found guilty, and when we walked outside I asked Dan, that was his name, did he forgive the man, and he looked at me and said maybe it'll take a few months or years to do it. That night, he went home and shot himself. He left a note, short and sweet. "I don't forgive myself." No matter what that verdict was, Dan was never going to be able to live with himself. I think even before I realized it was Carol, I had forgiven that person so I could forgive myself. I'm still angry, I'm still sad, I'll still mourn. She had a reason to do it didn't she?"

Rick nodded slightly. "She had a reason."

"What was it?" Ronnie asked.

"She was hoping to stop the sickness, to keep it from spreading," Rick answered.

"And you didn't believe her?" Ronnie asked him.

"I believed her," Rick told her. "But she didn't have any remorse. Summer asked her what if it had been Jewel, and she said she didn't know if she would have anything different. It was still murder, even if she was doing it for the right reason. She made the decision to take two lives without even talking to anyone else."

"Isn't that what you and Summer did Rick? You took her out there and left her. She was part of your original group, and you turned her out there like she was a stranger. I understand that you wanted to protect the group, and that was your motivation. But you did it for your family, for Jewel, for Summer, for Carl for Judy and the baby. There's nothing wrong with that Rick. Most people would do the same, I probably would have done the same," Ronnie told him.

"You don't think I did the right thing?" Rick asked.

Ronnie shrugged. "Maybe I was in the Air Force to long, maybe I've got the rules and regulations burnt in my head. But there's a chain of command here, the council. Maybe you should have left it up to them. But of course, maybe I'm just holding on to ideas of a world that has no place in this world."

"Carol was a member of the council, Hershel was helping out in A Block, Glenn and Sasha were both sick and Daryl was on a run," Rick pointed out.

Ronnie nodded. "Then there is that. Like I said maybe I'm holding on to ideas that don't belong in a world like this."

"I believe they have a place in this world, that's why we started the council to begin with, so one person isn't making the decisions. I did what I thought was the best thing, I still do think it was the best thing," Rick told her. "Did you know she had a daughter? Sophia? She was with us for a while….but she got bitten. Carol didn't come to her funeral, she came afterwards, sat by the grave. I don't think she's mentioned her name more then two or three times since."

"Losing a child, no matter how old they are, effects a person Rick. Parents shouldn't bury there children. I pray to God that you never have to do it, Rick. Every person deals with it differently. Ridge and I took a group of college students from Florida to Georgia," she said with a small smile. "Carol probably doesn't mention her daughters name because she blames herself for her death. I saw a lot of that as a Doctor. Maybe it's easier for her just not to mention her. You can't say how you'd react if your children died Rick. Like I said, I hope you never have to experience it. It's a pain like no other pain in the world, it's indescribable. Especially….the way it happened with Kim. I didn't get to say goodbye to her as a human, she was one of those things. Don't judge Carol or any other parent for how they chose to grieve a loss of a child Rick. Until it happens to you, you aren't going to understand, you can't say how you would react," Ronnie informed her.

Rick looked at her. "You know you aren't alone. Ridge and your kids may be gone, but you aren't alone."

Ronnie gave a small smile. "Me and my closest friends right?"

"Something like that," Rick told her. "You know the grief is going to get you one day, may be a hour, a month, a year, but it'll hit."

"I know," Ronnie answered as she held up the tray. "Hence the reason I am trying to keep myself busy. Idle hands and all," she told him. "It also helps my brain to keep occupied. I'll come check on Jewel when this all blows over. I told Hershel that I'd let him get some rest this morning. He needs fresh air as much as the rest of us," she said. "Should I tell Daryl and Axel that you are looking for them?"

Rick nodded. "I'd appreciate you not telling them about what though."

"Wouldn't think to do it, this is on you," Ronnie told him as she walked out.