Chapter XXXVI

SoHo, NYC

A day later

"Comfy?" Kate re-adjusted the pillows under his wounded shoulder for the third time.

"Yeah, it's fine."

"'Cause I can put this one under it too and raise it up a…"

If she added any more pillows he was going to drown in them. Drowned in down. He kept it in mind in case he needed a new way of killing someone in his next novel. "Kate…it's fine. Really."

"It's just, I know how hard the first night…"

"Kate…come to bed."

She stood next to the bed with her arms crossed and studied the mini-mountain of pillows underneath him as if it were a murder board. One that she needed make sense of, right now.

"Let me put it in a way that a homicide cop like you will understand. If you arrange these pillows one more time, I will murder you."

She stifled a yawn and a chuckle. "As if I couldn't take you when you have two good arms."

He looked up at her from atop his pillow massif. "You are so tired." If the dark circles underneath her eyes got any bigger, she'd make a very sexy raccoon just in time for Halloween.

"I am," she agreed. This time she did yawn and then slipped into bed next to him. "Could still take you though."

He smiled, wanting to turn on his side to look at her, but he didn't, knowing it would cause his bandaged shoulder way too much distress. And then she'd start re-arranging pillows all over again.

"Wake me if you need anything, 'kay?"

He'd have to be near death to deny her the sleep she so obviously needed. But he gave her the answer she wanted to hear. "I will."

He was released from the hospital this morning, after the intravenous antibiotics had lowered his fever and finally gotten the upper hand on the infection. Apparently, his shoulder wound got infected after Ojeda dragged him across the filthy room back into the basement bed to tend to it. Aside from that and losing enough blood to require a transfusion, the doctors told him he'd be weak for a few days but fine. That the wound itself had been a clean shot, straight through. They cleaned it up and told him he'd need some physio once it healed, but no surgery. That he'd need to continue the antibiotics orally but otherwise there was no reason for them to keep him.

So he was sent him home where he spent the rest of the day in and out of wakefulness, fussed over by Alexis and his mother, while Kate went back to the precinct to wrap things up there. Alexis had made him chicken noodle soup and he'd managed to keep down a bowl even though he still felt off. Tired yet wired, relieved and uneasy all at the same time.

Mostly he wanted to stay awake and talk, because he had so many questions. Alexis had answered some of them today. But there were still so many things he wanted to know.

Things he could ask only Kate.

He was also afraid of what dreams might come to him in sleep now that he was no longer on the kind of drugs that knocked him out. Kate did make him take a painkiller before she adjusted his pillows and it would make him drift off soon. But would it be a dreamless slumber?

"Kate…" He slowly turned only his head sideways to see her cheek pressed into a single pillow, lips sightly parted and limbs spread out, one of her arms stretched in his direction. Fast asleep.

He turned his head with a smile and stared back up at the ceiling. Waiting until he followed suit.

Hoping it was soon.

Later

He was still on his back, his sore shoulder comfortably nestled in his pillow mountain, when he woke up again. Judging from the darkness in the room it wasn't morning yet, but he had to have slept for several hours, because he could feel the painkiller wearing off as a steady throb was starting to resume from his shoulder.

He shifted his body to take some weight off of it, groaning when it had the opposite effect.

"Hey…" Kate reached for him. "You okay?"

"Yeah…fine." He turned his head. "Sorry if I woke you."

"Nah…it's good." She was staring at him with a sleepy smile. "You sure you're good? You can take another pain pill, you know."

"I'm okay…not crazy about how they make me feel."

"You'll heal faster if you get rest. If you're not in pain."

"Feels like that's all I've been doing for days now. Lying around."

Her smile faded and for a moment he thought she was going to ask how it was. What he went through while being held captive by Ojeda.

But she didn't and he was glad. It was the one thing he didn't want to talk about. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

Her hand snaked underneath his bedsheets and soft fingers skimmed his ribs and abdomen. "You've lost weight."

He shivered, even though it was warm in the room. Because I was scared to eat his drugged food.

Her fingers trailed his hips and inched lower…

Castle flinched.

Beckett's hand moved away with lightning speed. "I'm sorry…did I hurt you?"

No. Of course not.

He exhaled and returned his gaze to the ceiling.

"Hey…" She pushed herself up on one elbow so that he could see her, wide awake now, her beautiful face a mask of guilt. "I'm sorry, that was stupid. You tell me when you're ready for…anything."

Castle clenched his fist. Hell, no. He was not having her apologize for this. For touching him. Not when the very thought of it had sustained him when he needed it most.

"Kate…" He reached for her hand and pulled it towards him. Kissed it tenderly. "Don't be sorry for…this. I had some dark moments when I was with Ojeda and you know what got me through them? Thinking of how good it felt when you touched me, when we made love…that if I got out, I'd never take having you in my arms for granted again."

Her eyes were moist when they met his.

"He, uh…" He wasn't sure he was able to tell her this, because more than anything it made him feel so damn ashamed. But he had to explain. "When I was with him, I didn't know what else I could do make him trust me so I let him…" He swallowed hard and struggled not to choke on the words. "I let him touch me. Everywhere." He exhaled. "I wish…I'd found another way."

"Oh, Rick." Sorrow masked her face. "I'm sorry…"

"Not your fault."

"I should've found you sooner. Should've been there that night…"

"Don't you dare go there, not tonight. Not ever." It hurt to turn sideways but he did it anyway, because he needed to look at her. To make this unequivocally clear. Squeezed her hand hard as he watched her wipe away a tear. "I'm telling you this because I feel gross…I haven't showered or washed myself since I got out. I can still smell him on me and I want…to be rid of his stench before you touch me."

She brushed away another tear. "I understand."

"Alexis told me it was you going to see his sister that was the reason you found me." He wanted to erase the guilt written on her face. "I know you did everything you could, and then some."

"I still have no idea where you and your daughter got this unwavering faith in me."

"Clearly it's warranted." He brought her hand to his lips. Kissed it again. "Plus, you look like you haven't slept in a week."

She finally rewarded him with a lopsided smile. "That good, huh?"

"Still gorgeous."

She sat up, cross-legged on the bed. Pensive. "So you want a shower?"

"You have no idea how badly. But it's what…" He glanced at the alarm clock on his bedside table. "Four thirty in the morning?"

"So?" Beckett shrugged. "If I put a stool in there, do you have the energy to sit up for a few minutes?"

He stared at her. "I do, but they said I'm not supposed to get the dressing wet."

"So we won't get it wet then." Kate hopped out of bed. "I have some experience in doing this, you know. Hang on."

She came back with garbage bags, scissors and medical tape and went to work. Made him sit up as she quietly wrapped his dressed shoulder in plastic, before giving it a final nod of approval and helping him into the bathroom.

He protested against the stool (it wasn't even a stool, it was the black, plastic pedestal on which the giant aloe plant in his study was usually parked), reminding her that he was shot in the shoulder not in the legs. But Kate wouldn't have it.

"Humour me. You just lost a lot of blood and had a fever for 24 hours. And you haven't lost that much weight that I can carry you back to bed."

"Ouch."

She grinned back at him. "Now stand still while I get you naked."

"Yes ma'am."

She carefully helped him remove his t-shirt and boxer shorts, and then slipped out of her own panties and oversized Yankees t-shirt.

Maybe she had a point about the stool because he was already getting a little light-headed. He wasn't even sure if it was because he was still weak or because seeing her naked in front of him reminded him of the times during his captivity when he wasn't sure he'd ever see her again.

"We'll use the hand-held shower head," Kate told him, nudging him into the shower.

"Bossy," he whined.

"You love it."

He did. And he let her take the lead. Let himself indulge in the luxury of it all. The glory of soaking in the sight of her while she washed his hair with slow, meticulous care. Lathering up his expensive French soap and running it over every inch of his body with her expressive hands.

Castle ran his own fingers over a multi-coloured bruise on her hip, one that matched a smaller one on her ribs. Ribs that were more prominent than he remembered. He wasn't the only one who'd lost weight last week. "Where'd you get these?"

"I'll tell you later." Kate replied, water dripping down her shoulders, eyeing his bruises too, the ones he got after attacking Ojeda the first time, and when he fell off the treadmill. Wondering with her eyes even though she didn't ask out loud.

"Can you stand up for a minute?"

"Yeah…"

He did and Kate ran her soapy hands along the inside of his thighs, after getting down on her knees. Then they roamed higher, towards all the most sensitive parts of him. Until she held his cock in her hands and then traced her thumbs along its length. Massaging it with soap, and oh God, he grabbed a stainless-steel handle when suddenly it was inside her mouth, and he was now hard as a rock.

"Christ, Kate…"

Her tongue swirled around its sensitive tip but her mouth only barely sucked on it before she released him.

"Fuck. Do you have to be such a damn tease?" he hissed through clenched teeth.

"You're a wounded man. Rick," Her wet face looked up at him with amusement. "You know we can't really do this yet. But I am marking my territory. No one else is touching this."

"I see that."

"Sit down, babe." Then she straddled him on the stool and kissed his wet, scruffy beard. If he had two good arms he'd have pulled her closer because now he ached to be inside of her. "Do you want to shave it?"

"Huh?" He was getting winded and he was still so hard that it made concentrating on anything else a challenge, but he did want a shave. Badly. He wanted to get rid of it all. Every reminder of last week in that basement. "Yes…please."

Kate jumped out of the shower and grabbed his razor and shaving gel and in less than ten minutes it was gone. All of it. Tiny brown hairs, mixed with a few silver ones, scattered all over the floor tiles of his shower. Then she trailed her lips along his cheeks and jaw for a smoothness check and he followed with one of his own using his thumb.

"Better?"

"Much."

"It was kinda sexy," she admitted. "But you're okay looking without it too."

"Okay looking?"

"Am I being too generous?" She was enjoying herself and he was loving it. Could almost feel himself coming out the fog he'd been in. "Come on…" She helped him up. "You're fading on me. Let's unwrap you from these garbage bags and towel you off."

She helped him dry off and change into fresh clothes and when he was just about ready to collapse back into bed, she made him sit down and hold on.

"Not yet…something I have to do first. Gimme five minutes."

"Okay…"

It felt longer, but maybe that was because it was getting harder and harder to sit up.

Kate held out her hand when she came back. "All done. Ready for bed?"

"I was hoping you were gonna change into that Princess Leia slave girl outfit for me."

That finally got an eye roll out of her and it made him feel right at home. "You wish."

He grinned. "I do."

He let her guide him back into bed and didn't say a thing when she started re-arranging his pillows again. He didn't even protest when she handed him another painkiller. He must have looked like he needed it.

The mere act of showering, even with Kate doing most of the work, had worn him out as much as if he'd run a marathon. Castle suddenly wondered how the hell she'd done it. Recovered from a bullet wound that was so much worse than this.

And then, when he smelled the fresh scent of newly washed sheets, he realized why she'd made him wait in the bathroom. She'd changed the bedsheets and for the first time since leaving that basement, he felt clean. As though she'd scrubbed off more than just sweat and grime.

It almost brought him to tears.

His good arm reached for her. "Kate…"

"Yeah…" She was drifting off again.

"I love you."

"I know." He caught the slightest smile on her lips, even as her eyes remained closed. "That's all the Princess Leia you're getting tonight."

"I think I just fell in love a little more."

"Why are you still awake?"

Later

They slept another six hours and it was mid-morning by the time they woke up again.

Alexis had already left for school and Martha was…they had no idea where was. But she wasn't home.

Kate offered to make them both breakfast in bed but he was itching to get up. He'd spent far too much time in beds lately.

She made a big, hearty breakfast even though his appetite was still minimal. The likes of which they rarely had outside of lazy weekends out in the Hamptons. Scrambled eggs, bacon, fruits, croissants, jam, grapefruit juice, and coffee. Lots of coffee. God, he'd missed coffee from his extravagant European machine. Missed smelling it first thing in the morning. Missed bringing it to her in bed. Missed having a steaming cup of it next to him while he was writing. He wasn't supposed to be having much of it yet but his one large cup had the added benefit of shaking off the drowsiness of his pain meds. Allowing him to be alert enough to have the conversation he wanted to have and not zonk out after all this food.

"You were gonna tell me where you got your bruises," he reminded her.

"I did, didn't I?" She was clearing the dishes. "Why don't you sit down on the couch. We'll talk there. It's more comfortable."

"Are you going to start stacking pillows again?"

She gave him a look. "You prefer to get whacked by one?"

He smirked and then he let her fuss, because he knew if the tables were turned he'd be doing the same.

"Tell me where you got your bruises," he insisted once Kate sat down on the sofa next to him, one leg tucked under the other and a fresh cup of coffee in her hand. "Tell me it doesn't involve your shooter."

"You don't want the truth?"

He did. So she told him about Maddox, how, with the help of her partners, she'd tracked him. How she and Esposito decided to go after him on their own. It was a disaster that ended up with a rooftop fight that almost cost Kate her life. When it was over Beckett and Esposito were both suspended for two weeks.

Her recollection of it sent goosebumps up Castle's arm and it subconsciously made him reach for her. Grateful that she was still here, in one piece, when it could have ended so very differently.

"Yet you still came to the launch party afterwards."

Kate straightened her spine. "You know that I was there?"

"Alexis told me yesterday. She said you were fashionably late and looking all sorts of stunning. Actually. her exact words were 'You shoulda seen her Dad, she was serving looks.' I had to look up what that means."

She blushed a little. "Near-death experiences lead to bold fashion choices."

"Do I get to see you in that dress again? Because it feels phenomenally unfair to have missed that."

"Maybe. Needs a trip to the dry cleaner first. I might have thrown it into a heap when I got home."

"Why?"

She aimed for a smile but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "Doesn't matter now."

"Tell me," he insisted.

"I thought you'd left the party with someone else."

"What?" He didn't understand. "Why would you…?"

"Alexis showed me a text that night," she explained. "It came from your phone. Saying you met up with an old friend. That you might not be home at all."

"Kate…" He shuddered at the thought. Couldn't fathom ever hurting her like that. "I would never…"

"I know…I know," she reassured him. "I should've known it that night too. It should have occurred to me that someone might've gotten into your phone. But…I wasn't in the best state of mind that day."

"I'm sorry."

"Hey…" She gave him a stern look. "If I'm not allowed to feel guilty for not being there on time, you do not get to feel guilty for this. Not your fault."

"But you still came looking for me? Still sat in my hospital room all day?"

"By then I knew better. Alexis set me straight. She was so worried about you." This time her smile did reach her eyes. "You raised a really good kid, Rick. She's smart and compassionate and she always has your back."

"She's a keeper."

"Tell me something though," Kate's face was serious again. "Do you remember getting a note at the party? 'Cause when we combed through the security cams we saw you getting a note and then making a beeline for the exit."

"A note…" He struggled to remember because so much of that night was a blurry mess in his memory. Too many people. Too much alcohol. But then it did come back to him. The note that one of the banquet servers gave to him and the naïve childish hope it had stirred in him. "Oh yes…the note."

"You do remember?"

"Yeah…"

"What did it say?" Kate wanted to know. "That it made you rush out of your own party?"

He could see its contents so clearly now.

-Saw your name on hotel events board, for book party. I wanted to come in and tell you how proud I am. But the security guy wouldn't let me. Can you meet me downstairs, by the main entrance? - Dad

As if his mystery father would have ever written something like that.

Being the seasoned mystery writer and civilian NYPD observer that he was, he should've known the second he saw the words that they were fishy. They should've made him suspicious, not hopeful. But he'd been hurt by Kate's absence that night, hurt and inebriated, and he so badly wanted to believe it was real.

He remembered stepping outside the main doors of the hotel and looking for…for what exactly? And older man that looked like him?

"It was supposedly from my father," Castle admitted, feeling oddly embarrassed. "He saw my name on the hotel event board or something like that…said that he wanted to come in to the party but security wouldn't let him in. He asked me to come outside and meet him."

Kate's probing gaze met his eyes and it made him look away. But she didn't say anything.

"I followed the instructions, like a fool."

"Hey…" Kate pushed herself up on her knees, her hands cupping his face. Forcing him to look at her and to see how much this broke her heart for him. "It's not foolish. It's human. It's why I love you. Because you never lose hope."

"I don't remember much else after I went outside…" he told her, not wanting to linger on the subject. " I bumped into something and then…I don't know…"

"Ojeda was probably waiting for you with a syringe."

"Maybe…" He wondered how Ojeda had been able to do it on his own. To knock him out and drag him to that basement. Was it really possible that he'd done it alone? Did he have a partner? Would they ever find out? Maybe now that they had him in custody they'd get something out of him. Castle wasn't sure he even wanted to know.

Kate planted a kiss on his temple while he was lost in his thought and then curled up against him, leaning her head against his good shoulder.

It was time to tell her, even though part of him dreaded it. Dreaded what her response could be.

"There's something else that Alexis told me yesterday…"

"Oh yeah?"

"That she let it slip to you that I wanted to propose."

"Ahhh…" Kate calmly reached for her mug of coffee. Took a sip. "She did, yes."

"What she didn't tell me was how you reacted. She said I needed to ask you."

"Not gonna lie, I was shocked."

"Good shocked?" It took effort to keep his voice light.

"Honestly?" Her face was impossible to read. "I didn't know what to think."

"So you don't want…"

"Hey…" She pressed the palm of her hand into his thigh and pushed herself back up, so they were at eye level once more. "Not what I said. It's just that, I'd gone from thinking you'd left your party with another woman and knowing we hadn't even made our relationship public yet."

He winced. "About that…"

"I wanted to talk to you about it, for some time," she cut in. "To tell you I couldn't do it anymore. The pretense. I thought you were ready to stop pretending too, but then after the bombing case, I heard you talking to Ryan in the break room. How you planned to stick around the 12th for a long time, to do more research for multiple Nikki Heat books…"

Castle thought back to that silly conversation. The one he'd had only to throw Ryan off. "Oh Kate…"

"It made me believe that you had no intention of ever making it public."

"That's when things changed between us…isn't it?"

It was all so startlingly clear now. How'd she'd withdrawn after that case and started to build a wall between them. Stopped coming over so often. All because she overheard a lie.

"After that I didn't think we had a future together, but I couldn't bring myself to confront you about it because I wasn't ready to lose what we had." She sighed. "I'm not always so brave when it comes to matters of the heart."

"Come here…" He pulled her close and kissed the top of her head, wishing he could undo so many things. "The irony of it all is that I wanted the same thing. To tell you I was done with the pretense. It's why I wanted to see you that night, after we found Orlando Costa's body in that alley."

"We don't always have the best communication, do we?" Kate looked up at him with a lopsided smile.

"I wish you'd told me what you overheard, because then I could have told you that I only said it because I suspected that Ryan was on to us and I wanted to throw him off. By the time I met up with you at that crime scene, I was so done with the pretense...I wanted to tell you that night, but I never had the chance."

"You did?" She didn't hide her surprise. "Well, that makes me feel even more stupid. And for what it's worth, Ryan and Javi, they both knew about us. Ever since the Pandora case. Can you believe it?"

Castle chuckled. "I guess I was right about them being on to us. It's true then, what they say about people sneaking around. They're never as clever or as secretive as they think they are."

"Guess not." Her moist eyes lit up in amusement. "You know what else Ryan told me? That I had a sappy love-glow all over my face. Bastard."

Castle grinned. "If you do, I hope you never lose it."

Beckett squirmed around some more, until she was lying down on her back, her head cradled in his lap, looking up at him. It gave him the chance to play with her hair and he twirled a long strand between his thumb and index finger, before snaking up along her scalp and running a gentle circle along her temple.

"Mmm…" she purred. Things had been so tense lately in so many ways, it gave him some pleasure to see that he still had a calming effect on her. That he could anchor her in a storm. One of the very few people in the world with that ability. "Feels nice."

"Close your eyes," he told her. "Go back to sleep."

"No…" She was still looking up at him, unblinking. "Want to see you."

"You still haven't answered my question…about getting married."

Her gaze was unwavering. Serious. "I love you, Rick and I'm not going anywhere. I think you're the only man I've ever imagined growing old with. Maybe…" She took a deep breath. "Even have a child with, and that's something I've never considered before. It never even felt like a possibility, especially after I got shot."

She was planting all sorts of incredible seeds of hope and it sent it sent delighted tendrils of warmth all over his body. But even so, he braced himself. "I feel like there's a but coming up next…"

She smiled, easing his fears. "But…you just got shot. You need to heal. Me, I'm suspended, my career's a mess and my shooter's still out there and I have no idea when he might strike again."

"Kate, if you need…"

"I'm not afraid, Rick," she interrupted. "For the first time in a long time, in spite of everything, I'm not afraid to be happy. To live my life like I should have lived it a long time ago. So, I was thinking before we plow ahead with anything else, maybe we could just, I don't know, date for a while? Real dating. Not pretend dating or pretending not to date or whatever the hell we were doing these last few months. Let's get you back on your feet and enjoy each other. Maybe get better at communicating…" She grinned up at him. "And have lots of sex."

"Enjoy each other, huh?" She radiated happiness when she looked up at him and it was infectious. Granted, it wasn't exactly the answer he was hoping for, but she was right. He was asking her to race into the sunset without even having walked alongside her yet. "Is this your way of asking for embarrassing displays of public affection next time we ride the subway together?"

She rolled her eyes. "See what I mean…you, me, communication issues?"

He grinned and let his free hand slide underneath her t-shirt and feel the warmth of her skin. "Okay, Katherine Houghton Beckett. Let's do it. Let's date."

A/N: I didn't think this would end up being 36 chapters when I started this story, but here we are! To those who came along for the ride and took the time to leave me your thoughts along the way, a big, giant socially-distant cyber-hug from me to you! It was SO appreciated! And yes, we're almost at the finish line. I just have a short epilogue coming up in a few days that will take us forward six months. :)