Here's chapter 17! Thank you so much to everyone who has started following this story, everyone who has added it to their favourites and to those of you who have left reviews. All mistakes are mine. I hope you enjoy:)
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After everyone had pulled themselves together, they made their way into the kitchen where Burt and Carol had ordered takeout.
"How are you Finn?" Carol asked in a low voice while Kurt and Burt served up the food. She had cried enough tears to fill an ocean when they got the news that Rachel had passed, so was determined to stay strong for her son.
"It's just...been a long few hours. Every time I think about her I just want to curl up in bed and cry, so I guess I'm just trying to focus on Gracie. I'm just so grateful she made it."
"She's a little fighter. Just like her mommy, and her daddy. I love the name by the way. It's beautiful, it suits her so well." Carol was holding Gracie tight in her arms as she spoke to Finn. He had figured out pretty quickly she liked to be held tight, and Finn had no problem squeezing his little girl.
"I think she would've loved the name." He didn't mention the letter due to Kurt's strict orders from Rachel, but he assumed his mom and Burt would get one sooner rather than later.
"Santana's organising the funeral, so that's something else we don't have to worry about. Remind me to call her later." He yawned as Kurt passed him a plate filled with chow mein.
"Honey you sound exhausted. Go take a nap when you're finished eating. Burt and I can look after Gracie for a bit while you rest. Like you said, it's been a long day."
Finn thought about protesting that he'd have to get used to being tired, however he hadn't gotten any sleep the night before. Between Gracie and Rachel, his mind wouldn't shut down. He decided to jump at the opportunity to get some shut eye.
Carol and Burt returned to their hotel at midnight, where Kurt has taken over on babysitting duty. Finn was snorting loudly from the bedroom and there was no way Kurt was waking him. He took the opportunity to spend some time relaxing with his niece.
"Hey Gracie. You hungry?" Kurt asked in a squeaky voice as the baby began to stir and open her eyes. They were like huge chocolate buttons, exactly like Rachel's. He placed her into the bassinet as he walked into the kitchen to prepare a bottle of formula.
One thing he had noticed was that Gracie hardly ever cried. He wondered if it was her way of giving Finn a break, like she somehow knew something was wrong, or maybe she was just perfect. He watched as she sucked vigorously on the bottle, burping her every few minutes, before she eventually fell back asleep. He texted Blaine to let him know he was staying at Finn's before leaning back into the soft cushions and drifting off to sleep.
Kurt's heart nearly leapt out of his chest when he heard the doorbell ring. He bolted over to Gracie, who was thankful still dozing quietly, and checked the time. He was surprised to see he had only been asleep for 30 minutes, and walked over to the door with a butter knife in his hand, which he had quickly grabbed from the drawer. He wasn't sure what to expect at 12:30 am so wanted some sort of weapon, even if it wouldn't get him very far.
He suspiciously open to door to find a tearful Santana standing there, dressed in pyjamas.
"Finn's not awake, is he?" She whispered as Kurt shook his head, standing back to let her in.
"Did you walk here alone, in the middle of the night?" Kurt asked as she took off her coat. He knew she was strong, but it was New York after all.
"Relax, I had this." She removed a much larger knife than Kurt's from inside her shirt and rested it on the kitchen table.
"Brittany and I each have one for when we're out alone." She shrugged when she saw Kurt's stunned face.
He gestured for her to join him on the couch, but stopped at Gracie's bassinet before sitting down. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she smiled at the baby.
"She's beautiful." She said softly as she stroked her cheek.
"Her names Gracie." Kurt informed her as she joined him on the couch.
"What are you doing here?" He asked sleepily. She looked over at the baby again before meeting his eye.
"I couldn't sleep. I just... she's gone, Kurt. She's gone and she's never coming back. I keep replaying the call over and over in my head. I knew it was coming and..." she buried her face into the crook of Kurt's neck. He could feel her whole body shaking as she cried, and he soon joined her. He surprised himself as he blew his nose into a crumpled Kleenex. He cried when he finally said goodbye to her, but hadn't cried since, and didn't think he would. It was hard to cry when he knew, although she left much too soon and under tragic circumstances, the young woman had achieved almost all the dreams she had set out for herself since she was a child.
"I didn't say goodbye to her." Santana mumbled as she sat up and stared at Kurt, waiting for a reaction. She assumed people would think she was selfish for not seeing her, but she thought Kurt might understand.
"You didn't?" He asked. He didn't sound surprised, yet asked it as a question.
"Call me self-centred, but I couldn't bare the thought of it. I hate myself for not being the bigger person for once in my life."
"People throw that phrase around carelessly. It's not as easy as it sounds. 'Being the bigger person.' Simple enough when your the smaller person in the situation." Kurt replied. He knew how Santana felt, but at the same time he couldn't make sense of Santana's decision. He'd say goodbye all over again if it meant seeing her one last time.
"I knew you'd understand. I know it sounds weird but I keep calling her phone. I don't even know where it is, but when she doesn't pick up I get to hear her voice, it's almost likes she's here." She whispered as she made her way over to the sleeping baby and carefully picked her up, placing her over her shoulder in a burping position.
"She's like our little piece of perfection that Rachel left behind." Santana cooed at the baby. Tears continued to roll down her cheeks, but the smile was of genuine love.
"I'm not sure if 'perfection' belongs in the same sentence as Rachel, but Gracie sure is perfect. She hasn't cried once since I've been around. It's like her way of helping Finn out I guess. Almost like she knows."
Santana was mad at herself for making all this about her as she suddenly remembered Finn, who was nowhere to be seen.
"How is he?" She asked, returning to the couch with Gracie in her arms.
"He's been out cold for a couple of hours. I just can't imagine how he feels. He's going to have many sleepless nights in the future so this is just to let him catch up a bit."
"You know that's not what I meant. I know he's not ready to see us but we still care about him." She argued, hoping Kurt would keep everyone filled in until he was ready.
"Remember the stare?" Kurt's voice cracked as he spoke. His throat felt dry from all the crying.
"The stare he'd use in high school. He used to stare off into the distance when he was thinking about something that mattered to him. Maybe not to anyone else, but to him it mattered. Or when he was trying to stop himself from crying. He'd just stare at nothing in particular. He did it the afternoon Rachel got on the train to New York."
Santana nodded. She remembered how worried everyone would get. Especially when it lasted hours. She never understood why he did it, but did understand what it felt like to get lost in your thoughts, the way a few minutes could suddenly turn into hours.
"He did it this afternoon. I was helping him think of names and although he was looking at Gracie, he was just staring. That same stare. He looked lost and scared and upset." Kurt continued as Santana became more and more confused.
"Kurt, what does Finn staring have to do with anything?"
"It just... it made me realise how alone he is. We'll be there to help him, of course. But it's the stare. No matter how much we try get in there, nobody will ever know what's going on inside his head, and we can only look so far. There's parts of all this that he has to go through alone and, I really hate that. He's my brother. I'd do anything to take away that pain. I guess I just realised that we'll never move on from this, or get over it. This is something we have to learn to live with."
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Santana returned home shortly after her talk with Kurt. Honestly, it didn't help her the way she hoped it would. If anything it made her worry about Finn even more.
She lay down in her cold bed, wishing Brittany was here to help her see things in a simpler way. She was getting a flight to Lima to sort out some more personal details to do with the funeral.
The two women had really thrown themselves into planning the funeral, both using it as a distraction from the sadness lingering wherever they went.
Brittany didn't believe in funerals, and thought it was a strange way to honour the dead.
'Why not have a party to celebrate their life. Have their favourite cake, talk about your favourite memories with the person, play their favourite songs during a game of pass the parcel. It's a lot happier than everyone sitting around in their church clothes pretending to pray when the priest says so!'
Santana actually took some of her ideas while planning Rachel's funeral. Although Brittany had said this three years ago at her grandpa's funeral, she knew her beliefs hadn't changed, and Santana actually agreed with some of the things she said.
She lay awake for the rest of the night. She wished seeing Kurt and Gracie helped, but it seemed to make the hole in her heart bigger. Maybe it was Finn she needed to see. Or maybe she'd have this feeling forever, because really it was Rachel she needed.
Eventually she had enough and rolled out of bed, tripping over a cardboard box filled with things she still hadn't unpacked, despite living in her apartment for almost a year. Santana couldn't help but notice that it was the box she had come to collect the day she found Rachel's pregnancy test. It seemed like it was a million years ago.
She drew back the curtains and listened to the rain bang again the window pane as she stared into the night sky, noticing one star in the ebony sky that seemed to be shining brighter than the rest.
"I miss you already, Rach." She whispered to herself before returning to bed to attempt to get some sleep.