I'm so sorry for not updating recently, life just got in the way. I promise I'll try updating more often! I have a few chapters of both my stories pre written so once I edit them they'll be ready to post which hopefully won't take long. I also started working on a new story so I might publish that soon too. Anyway, enough of my rambling. All mistakes are mine, enjoy!
Finn emerged from the hearse holding Gracie tight to his chest. She almost felt like his security blanket, as he knew all eyes would more than likely be on her.
Once Kurt, Blaine, Burt, Carole and Rachel's fathers got out of the car, Gracie was passed to Carole while the 6 men positioned themselves to carry the coffin.
It was a feeling he wouldn't wish upon his worst enemy, carrying his wife into a church full of crying people while trying not to cry himself. This doesn't matter to Rachel. This is for everyone else. It'll be over before you know it.
He made sure to keep his eyes straight ahead until they reached the alter. After placing the coffin at the top of the church, he raced to the front row and immediately took Gracie from Carole. He wanted her close by him at all times, the one thing that was keeping him slightly sane.
It'll be over before you know it. He promised himself, when in reality he knew it would be the longest hour of his life.
It was a beautiful ceremony. Rachel's fathers had taken it in turns to share their thanks, Brittany read a poem that in her words 'screamed Rachel' and some of the original new directions sang an acoustic version of 'Don't rain on my parade.' Yet as the time went by, Santana knew she'd be called to the top of the room any minute to do the eulogy.
She owed a lot to Rachel, but she felt this was her way of saying sorry for not going to see her one last time, something that still kept her up at night.
"Now Rachel's friend, Santana Lopez, would like to share some words." The priest spoke into the microphone, alerting Santana.
She slowly made her way up to the alter, her eyes fixed on Finn and Gracie once she was at the top. She could tell by the way he kept his gaze on the baby that he was hating every minute of this. She didn't blame him, but it was the send off Rachel deserved. She took a deep breath and began.
"Rachel played a different part in all of our lives. She was a teacher, a student, a classmate, an annoyance." The crowd gave a small laugh while Santana took a moment to pause.
"But to some of us she was something much more. A daughter, a friend, a wife, a mother. No matter who she was to you, Rachel left a stamp on all of our hearts.
She dreamed big, something many of us are scared to do, including myself. It was Rachel who helped me change that. I'd appreciate if all parents could cover their child's ear for this part." All the children in the room seemed confused as to what was happening as their parents provided them with a distraction.
"Thanks. She told me the only job I'd ever have was working on a pole. It really struck a nerve and made me think, is that really where my life was headed? Did I think that little of myself? It was a comment that probably left Rachel's mind as fast as it entered, but it made me change my views on myself. My self-worth. She didn't know it, but I have Rachel to thank for helping me turn my life around."
Tears began racing down her cheeks as she continued.
"Time slips by so fast without any of us realising it's been so long. With Rachel days, months, even years went by without us realising how grateful we were to be around such a bright and inspirational girl, even if she did get on our nerves from time to time.
We'll never get over her tragic, untimely death, but we'll learn to live with it. We'll learn to cherish the wonderful memories we made with our star, and most of all, we'll make sure her baby girl knew how incredibly talented, beautiful and kind her mommy was.
Rach, thank you so much for gracing us with your beautiful light and spirit. You gave so much during your short life, and your memory will never be forgotten.
Goodbye, our beautiful star. You'll always shine the brightest, even in the darkest times."
She wasn't sure if people could hear her properly by the end of her speech, but the room filled with applause once she finished. Her voice was shaking, she couldn't exactly see clearly through her tear filled eyes, but she made sure to catch a glimpse of Finn. He was crying. His shoulders lightly bounced up and down as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
She couldn't help but run to where he was sitting, squeezing past Carole and Burt to get to him and wrapping her arms around he and the baby.
"Thank you." He whispered as she held him tight, the room filling with the sound of gentle sobs.
"We're here, ok? We're gonna help you through this."
He nodded and gave her a kiss on the cheek before she returned to her seat between Brittany and Mike.
She felt an odd sensation as she sat down, like there was someone standing in front of her, almost as if she could feel Rachel in the room with them.
Finn was proud of himself by the end of the funeral. Santana's eulogy got to him, but other than that he got through it pretty well. Rachel would've liked it.
Outside the church he was met with hugs and condolences from many of Rachel's family and friends. He tried to make his way around everyone before getting to the graveyard, but his attention was suddenly drawn to the group of New Directions he had attended school with.
Sugar, who Finn had grown close to when they attended the university of Lima together, greeted him with a hug and whispered in his ear, "We've been friends a really long time Finn. I want you to promise to call me whenever you need me, whether it's for a night out clubbing or a night in babysitting and watching movies. I'm your 3am friend."
Finn laughed as she backed out of the hug. He had gotten used to her overactive imagine, but he knew that Sugar would drop anything for he and Rachel. She made her parents re schedule their 20 year wedding anniversary so she could be Rachel's bridesmaid, even after Finn and Rachel's protests.
"3am friend?" He asked as Sugar wiped tears from her eyes and stroked Gracie's cheek.
"If you needed me at 3am I'd be there no matter what. And that's not restricted to 3am. Anytime at all."
Finn thanked her and spoke with the rest of his friends, even letting out a few more tears when he saw Quinn holding Gracie. She was his first real girlfriend and went through a lot together. Although it feels too dumb to admit it, he always thought of Quinn as the reason he and Rachel got together in the first place.
However the biggest surprise of his day was seeing Shelby Corcoran walking towards him.
"Shelby, hey." Finn hugged her as she smiled sadly at him.
"How are you doing sweetie? I'm so sorry about Rachel."
"Thanks, it's been rough but we're coping, right Gracie?"
The baby gazed up at him and sneezed, causing the two adults to laugh.
"She's the spit of Rachel. Absolutely gorgeous. Can I ...?" She trailed off, smiling at the baby lovingly.
"Of course. I mean, you're her grandma." Finn smiled, handing over the baby.
"Gosh, I feel so old! I just... I'm so sorry I didn't get the chance to see her one last time. We had lunch just after she found out she was sick, I didn't realise she went downhill so suddenly. I would've..."
"Don't worry about the 'what ifs', we kept it quiet for a while cause, well Rachel didn't want anyone treating her any differently during her last few months. And you didn't, which she really appreciated. She came home and told me about it."
He smiled at the memory of Rachel's face every time she met up with Shelby. Although she and Shelby never had the mother/daughter relationship she dreamed of, she loved it when they would go for lunch like two old friends.
"I'm glad her last memory of our time was a good one then. And I know you're probably hearing a lot of this today but never hesitate to give me a call. I know things are complicated when it comes to Beth, she doesn't know she's adopted yet, but I could easily leave her with my sister for the day. I mean it Finn, we're technically family. I'm here whenever you need me."
"Thanks, Shelby. And when Beth's old enough I'm sure Rachel would've loved her to meet Gracie. She always talked about wanting to meet her when she's old enough, she'd be so happy that Gracie got a chance."
"I'll regret that forever, that my daughters never met one another. But trust me, when Beth can understand that she's an aunt she'll be all over her."
Shelby thanked him again before going to talk to Rachel's fathers, so Finn took a minute to escape to the bathroom. He wasn't too sure how the restroom situation worked out with a baby, but he brought her in anyway and leaned against a stall door.
"Today's been a little crazy, right baby? You've been such a good girl for daddy. You're the best." Although the girl was fast asleep in his arms, he continued chatting to her while he had some alone time.
"We're pretty lucky, aren't we? We have so many friends that are gonna help us out. Even a 3am friend." He laughed.
"I really miss mommy. She was my favourite person in the whole wide world. But like auntie Tana said, we're gonna make sure you know how much she loved you, even before you were born."
Finn stopped taking when he heard the bathroom door open, unsure if he should leave in case he wasn't supposed to have the baby with him. Thankfully Kurt appeared at the door and greeted him with a hug. Finn was surprised to see Santana squeeze in behind him, looking back to ensure nobody saw her entering the men's room.
"How you coping, bro?" Finn asked, noticing Kurt's puffy eyes.
"The funeral was tough." He replied quietly. "Santana's eulogy was great though."
"You were great San, the ending got me." He agreed. Kurt met his eye in he mirror.
"Are you ok? I know it's not easy."
"It's pretty shitty, I really want to go home to New York."
"I do too, actually. It's harder being in Lima. We can always head home sooner if you want to. Everyone will be fine." Kurt suggested. He also wanted nothing more than to be back in New York, but he, of course, was prepared to do whatever it takes to make Finn feel better.
"We'll follow your lead Finn. If you want us to stay as long as you we'll be here. If you want a few days alone with your parents we'll leave. Promise you'll let us help." Santana spoke quietly, avoiding eye contact with Finn. It was her first time speaking to him since Rachel died, the look of sadness on his face felt as thought she was repeatedly being stabbed in the heart.
"I might hang around for another day or two, give everyone some time with Gracie. She seems to lighten the mood." He laughed, knowing Gracie was everyone's little miracle.
"She the only good thing to come of all this, and we can stay as long or as little as you like." Kurt agreed. The three stood in silence for a moment until Kurt met Santana's gaze. He had asked her before coming in to talk to Finn that he wanted a minute alone with him, however he didn't mention what. The letters were still a surprise to everyone else.
"Can I talk to you for a second?" Kurt asked Finn, getting a nod in return. Santana shared a sad smile with Kurt and walked over to Finn, giving him a kiss on the cheek.
"I'll talk to you later, do you want me to take her?" Santana spoke softly, unsure if Finn would let Gracie out of his sight. To her surprise, he passed the dozing baby to her and quietly thanked her.
"I'll be right outside if you need me." She held the baby close to her chest as she emerged from the bathroom, wishing she could do more to take away Finn's pain.
"I have a letter." Kurt produced a white envelope from his pocket. The way Finns face light up made his heart swell.
"Another one already? She was way more prepared than I thought. Thanks for doing this for her."
"I just want you to know, I'm really proud of you." Kurt hugged him again before leaving him to read the letter in peace.
Dear Finn,
How many people are there? Hundreds? Thousands? My seventeen year old self is going insane! Possibly thousands of people gathered together to celebrate ME! It's like I'm a celebrity.
You know, once I told Kurt I imagined you throwing yourself into the whole in the ground with my coffin in grief! I'll even admit I was crazy. I know you don't like heights ;)
In all seriousness though, no matter what went down today, I'm proud of you. I can't imagine it was easy, I can't even imagine myself in your shoes (hypothetically. We both know I loved wearing your slippers)
You're so strong for doing this Finn, I just hope you're not putting too much pressure on yourself. She may not know it yet, but our little girl has the best daddy anyone could ask for.
I'm not sure if there's a point to this letter. Maybe just to help you feel a little less alone today? I know you're probably with all our friends and family... but still, you can feel lonely even when you're not alone.
Well, I'll let you get back to everyone. Just give Santana a hug for me. I can't imagine she's being too easy on herself after not seeing me at the hospital.
I love you too the moon and back!
Until the next one...
Rachel x
He sighed and wished Kurt, Gracie and Santana were with him. Gracie was his little piece of Rachel, and Santana was his best friend and Kurt was his brother. He felt so lost without Rachel, but the three of them had always been there for him. The three most important people in his life right now. He had never felt so sad and grateful at the same time.
"I love you too Rach."