Chapter 3:

Adrian Monk had very little left of his dignity, a slave to his compulsions it was extremely hard not to do everything his anxieties ordered him to. Many times Natalie had to stop him so he wouldn't hurt himself and of course, there was that time with the nuclear missile. This has proven true in the recent days. He'd tried different things to put his obsession at ease.

On Sunday he visited Natalie and showed interest in her picture albums. He couldn't care less, he just bore the bunch of boring and eternal stories about their past in order to see Natalie in different stages of her life, with some luck sooner or later they'd get to her baby pictures, allowing him to see if there was any birthmark as a baby (usually naked in these albums, he cringed). But no, he started to cry by the third album and Natalie brought him water, moved by her boss showing some sensibility for someone other than him for the first time.

"It's okay to cry, Mr. Monk."

"It is just so…" Gross, that was what he was actually thinking while looking at Natalie's second birthday party with her and a dozen of other kids covered in mud and cake. "Beautiful!" he spat.

On Monday he waited for the correct time and took Julie away from the group in order to interrogate her.

"Julie, you know if Natalie has any tattoo or… scar?" She stared at him with her chin up and a bewildered expression.

"No… Not that I've seen, at least."

"But you've seen her, you know-" He gestured through his whole body, expecting the younger girl would get it. She didn't.

"Mr. Monk, are you feeling okay? Do you want me to ask my mom if sh-"

"No!" he went as far as to cover her mouth with his own hand much to her –and his- surprise. "I mean… no. Wipe."

"I don't…" he left her standing in the middle of the place and went to catch Natalie, demanding a wipe.

On Tuesday, he had intentionally asked Natalie to get her a common stone from the floor of a crime scene. He waited for her to be in the correct position and lowered himself –not just in height but dignity- by bending down and trying to take a look along her thighs.

"Ehem…" He'd almost jumped of a heart attack when he felt the raspy sound of the Captain clearing his throat right next to him. "Looking for something?"

"Ah, Captain." He was quick to stand up, pretending innocence, after a life of complete disdain towards any sexual desire he thought he could pull it off. Sort of. "I was just- Yes."

"That's what I thought." He squinted his eyes at him, as trying to determine if he was some evil twin. "Monk."

"I don't understand, it looks like a normal rock." She was holding the small pebble between her hands for both men to see.

His mouth dry he made an effort to answer "… It is, Natalie. Not everything can be evidence."

She looked half insulted half resigned, this was nothing new coming from her boss.

On Wednesday he had gone as far as hiring the artist from San Francisco Police Department to draw Natalie's body. He'd lied, of course, he had told the man it was actually about a crime. A terrible, horrible, gruesome crime. It was true, according to himself.

"Monk, we've been here for three hours… and you've only approved of her belly button, could we, please, move on to any other part of her body?"

"Okay, okay, her waist- wait, now that you mention it, I think her belly button was a bit more rounded around… here."

"That's it." The artist discarded his pencil on the table and stood in a sharp movement that almost made Monk lose his balance. "I quit."

"What do you mean you quit? You can't."

"Well, tell Stottlemeyer to get another artist because I quit!"

Great, now he had to explain the Captain why they had to hire a new artist for the police department.

On Thursday Natalie had made her best to get him to sleep a few hours. Task extra difficult since he wouldn't tell her what his problem was. His bedroom filled with humidifiers and de-humidifiers for perfect balance, a soothing sound and the perfect temperature ever present and constant, just like Adrian liked it.

"Please, Mr. Monk, you need to sleep, it's been six days."

"I can't with you looking at me, go home, Natalie." He answered, sitting on the edge of his bed with his hands clinging to the bed sheets.

"I will, I promise you I will, but I need to make sure you can sleep first, you know how crazy you start acting when-" he'd just shot her a death glare, even when he knew she was right. "I mean! It's important for your brain to get proper rest… won't you at least try it?" She begged, clearly tired as well.

"Natalie, I already told you, I… I can't." His voice soft this time, his eyes avoiding her, even if he wanted to, he couldn't, especially not with her in there, as a permanent reminder of the issue.

He could feel her eyes piercing him, and flinched when the woman kneeled on the floor in front of him. Startled, he tried to back away but couldn't given his position.

"Mr. Monk," her hands pressed against his knees, only increasing his tension, one of the dreams had actually started like this, "Please, talk to me." He couldn't dare face her so he stared at the picture of Trudy on his bedside table, trying to keep any intrusive thought blocked. "I can't help you if you don't let me." There was a short silence, and when Natalie spoke again it was clear even for Adrian that she wasn't alright. "Did I do something wrong? You always trusted me with your problems, when I asked you to stop calling me at three in the morning, you started to do so at two and a half, but now- now you are here, completely restless and you won't tell me anything, is this because of Trudy? Because of me? Because of your fears? Just give me something, Mr. Monk, you can't do this alone, and neither can I." Her breath heavy, but still composed.

"… Fine, I-I'll go to sleep, just… can I have some space?" She gulped, understanding, he was still not letting her in, not talking about the real reason for his problems… but it was something, and so she moved back and on her feet.

"I'll be in the living room, call me if you need anything." Her frame still in the door of the room, "Mr. Monk, promise me you'll call me."

"Natalie…"

"Promise me." He offered a nod as an answer and so Natalie left, leaving him alone.

He went to bed, actually trying to sleep, the soothing sound of the machine that Natalie had gotten for this specific purpose making his eyelids heavy, a few minutes later he was gone.

Monk woke up from a particularly embarrassing dream, one in which Natalie herself had guided him through different parts of her body, holding his hands with confidence and tenderness, one that he'd only seen in his own wife. It was weird and unsettling how much both women resembled each other sometimes, good hearted and kind, always putting his needs first. The captain was right, he had gotten lucky twice, and he just couldn't afford to lose this one.

The room was dark, and it took him a few seconds to adapt his vision to it, but when finally done he noticed her, sitting in a sloppy and cramped position in a chair next to him, her head over her surely numb arm, resting on the bed.

Monk couldn't but wonder why she'd go through so many troubles as to leave Julie with her grandparents and get him all these fancy equipments only for him to sleep a few hours, for him to feel content, and couldn't help it but actually consider the idea of telling her the truth. Perhaps she would understand that he didn't mean to disrespect her as woman, but to help her as a friend… if only that was it, but he didn't even know that for sure anymore. Maybe it was just another childish obsession of him, something completely irrational, maybe there was nothing wrong with her, and his brain had just found another way to drive him crazy.

With the expertise of a detective he slipped off his sheets and took a minute to stare at Natalie, her breathing rhythmical and soft, she looked just as tired as him a few hours ago and now her body rested on the bed fast asleep. Maybe he could…if he was really careful… He reached for his tweezers, the ones used for all the cases in order to avoid physical contact with anything and used them to slowly pull on her cardigan, the fair flesh appearing beneath it, so far nothing he hadn't seen before.

Then, product of the anxiety and the shame he had to look away, his eyes connected with those of Trudy on the nightstand and he immediately retreated, the tweezers hurting the interior of his hand.

"I can't…"

He threw one of his own coats over Natalie, he couldn't bear the thought of her falling sick because of him, not just because he felt bad enough already, but because she was his employee and sick people was disgusting. She could keep the coat for the rest of her life, he'd get a new one.

Monk left his room to take a bath and start his day at four in the morning, it seemed late enough.

On Friday he had given up, he'd only slept about five hours in seven days and every hour of sound sleep resulted being more troublesome than the previous one. The dreams, they had started as innocent memories of the real incident, evolving slowly into more intimate ones. Natalie would specifically undress for him to see, to touch, to feel, to find. He longed for Trudy, his dreams of his wife were much different, maybe she could help him, but Natalie seemed to torment him even –especially- in his dreams.

He'd gone as far as to physically touch Natalie in order to satisfy his delution, which was the farthest he was willing to go. That had been enough, his breaking point.

And so, he presented himself in the Captain's office, his fists clenching and unclenching with anxiety, still considering the idea of running away, changing his name and going back to cleaning cars.

Leland wasn't expecting him, there was no homicide to be solved at the very moment and the reason for his friend to be standing in his office, alone and clearly exhausted was a mystery.

"Hey, Monk, paying a visit?"

"I-" his voice trapped in his throat, he closed his mouth and tried again. "I'd like to present charges for s-" he stopped himself, unable to say the word. "harassment."

Leland's eyebrows were high, not exactly in surprise but in the specter of 'I knew this was gonna happen; don't know why it took so long.'

"Oh yeah? And what would be the reason this time, Monk? Did that Marci girl come back? Did Randy say anything about you and Trudy? Or is Natalie hugging you 'for too long' again?" he quoted himself in the last part, reclining in his chair, not a care in the world.

"It is not for me, it is-" He gulped, his mouth dry, it was clear for him that the captain was not taking this seriously, making everything more difficult. "-it is Natalie."

For this, the amused expression in Leland's face disappeared, his complete face shifted with the anger taking over. Monk immediately took a step back, preparing for anything.

"Is she alright? What happened? Where is she?" The captain was quick to stand up, looking for his coat to get out and kill any bastard that had dared put a hand on the best woman he'd ever come across, after Trudy, of course. "Monk, say something! Where is Natalie? R-"

"Me! It was me!" Adrian was rigid and agitated in his place, not moving an inch, with his eyes shut down and his body compressed as preparing for a car to hit him. "It was me." He repeated a bit lower.

The captain sighed in relief, discarding his coat on the closest chair while looking at Monk with annoyance. He moved to the door and closed it, not without looking both sides to check no one had listened. His breath still itchy, he took some seconds to calm down trying to remember the anger management classes and after the longest sigh he had ever done he was finally ready to speak.

"Care to explain?"

"Don't make me say it, again, can we- can we make this quick? Do you think you could get me ten years? I could over-react a bit if necessary." Monk has given himself in, with both hands rigidly in front of him, waiting for Leland to arrest him.

"I am not arresting you, Monk." He moved closer, with his eyes looking at Adrian's though they were still firmly closed. "Just tell me what happened, did you touch her by accident or did you show her your belly button by mistake or-?"

"It was no accident!" Only then he opened his eyes, darting at Leland. "I am- I am serious, Leland, are you?"

Rarely ever Leland had seen Adrian like this, and so he worried, maybe it was as serious as Monk believed it to be this time. He gulped, trying to decide the real mood to proceed.

"… I am now. But I won't arrest you till you tell me what happened."

"Captain, please…"

"Nobody will arrest you for no reason, Monk, I am listening." Finally Monk lowered his arms and embraced himself.

"… I saw Natalie."

"What do you mean you saw-" it took him a few seconds, with Monk's face becoming red to get it. "Did you see her n-" Monk's eyes jumped to his face as in a warning. "I think I understand, but if you don't mind, and you better not mind… how did it happen? Are you sure it was no accident? Because things like that could happen and they wouldn't be your fault, Monk."

"I told you it was no accident!" he took a second to continue. "At least not the second time…"

Leland's face paled, second time? Just how many times did this happen? Could Adrian, his best friend, the shiest man to ever step this green earth of God, be telling the truth? Could it really be that bad?

"Here's what happened." He was aware that using that expression for this was out of place but it was the only way he could go through it, to make it the more familiar to him "One week ago I saw her by accident, we were at her place and she-she was changing, I didn't mean to, I am honest, I didn't mean to, but I saw her…" his eyes moving from his left shoe to the right one. "I left, as I would any other time." Leland breathed again, half knowing that would happen, "Then, I noticed something wasn't right… I-I had to know what it was so I went back, I stayed there, looking at her for at least three minutes, I can't be sure, I sometimes black out with these things, maybe it was one hour."

"Monk, it's okay, continue, the time is not relevant." But he knew it was, at least for Monk.

"I-I saw her, completely, I mean, no-" his head tilted, "I didn't see- it was enough, she noticed I was there."

"So Natalie saw you, she knows you saw her."

"No." he shook his head firmly, if Natalie knew that would make it easier up to this point. "She didn't suspect a thing. And why would she? I am her boss, Leland! She trusts me with her life! And there I was!"

"Alright, Monk, calm down, calm down, it is not that bad." He knew it was, it was the worst thing that could have ever happened to the police department, after Trudy's death, of course. Monk was going through a mental break down and the one person that could take him out of it was the reason for it. But he would try to fix it, he was no psychiatrist, but he would try. "Listen, Monk, you didn't mean to, you saw something and you wanted to make sure what was it, that is not harassment, not here, not anywhere, I am telling you."

"That was not it… there is more."

'There is more?!' he wanted to ask, he was sure Randy would've definitely asked, but he stopped himself, he knew better.

"Ever since… I've had these… thoughts." He spat the last word, disgusted by it. "I can't shake them away. Every time I see Natalie I know there was something, I know there is something and I- I don't know what it is, and I need to know, Leland, I need to know, but at the same time I need to never know."

Their eyes met and the captain understood, his friend had gone through this many times. That was actually the reason he was the best detective he'd ever known, he just had to solve every mystery he came across, every puzzle, every crime, everything had to be solved, including this.

"I am having dreams." His hands twitched, with his head still tilted, as electricity went through his whole body. "They are… sinful, Leland, I never had them before, not even with Trudy."

The captain remained silent, with his mouth slightly open, unsure if it was safe to speak now.

"I've tried many things, from innocuous ones to some more... risky, but I still don't know what it is and… I am scared, Captain, this is getting out of my hands, so, please, won't you arrest me? It would make everything much easier."

"Really…? Do you really believe that going to jail would be easier than simply asking Natalie if anything was wrong?"

"Yes." He didn't doubt it.

"Well, Monk, if that is how you feel, I have bad news for you… first, I am not in charge of the special victims unit, this is homicide, call me when you have killed someone." Adrian opened his mouth to protest, but was immediately shut down by the commanding voice of the captain, "Second, I have never known a case in which the offender has been arrested while the victim is perfectly fine. Third, absolutely no officer in this building would arrest you for harassment, Monk, they know you, they'd probably take Natalie instead, she is more likeable to be the perpetrator." His tone slightly recovering the amused expression. "And then, forth, Natalie is fine, the one with the problem is you, go talk to Dr. Kroger before you truly make something stupid."

"I can't talk about this with Dr. Kroger."

"Why not? You've talked to him for over ten years, Monk, I think there is hardly nothing you haven't talked about."

"It is- You don't know him- It's just- Every time I mention a woman he immediately jumps to the conclusion I'm in love, I don't want to give him any more reasons to-"

"More? So there are other reasons." He rolled his eyes and placed his hands in his hips, attempting to draw his line. "I am not having this conversation with you, I didn't have it with my kids. You better get yourself in Dr. Kroger's office and-" His hand pointed at his own door, he'd actually meaning to ask Monk about this a couple times but he had dismissed him with the most apathetic expression he'd ever seen, and so he had decided to drop the topic. If Monk wanted to spend the rest of his life alone, it was his problem, he'd support him as his friend, but he wouldn't force him again into that conversation.

"Captain? Are you in there?" Both men froze when Natalie's voice floated from outside the office, knocking a couple times to corroborate his presence. "It's me, Natalie, I'm alone, can I have a word with you?"

"She's here to turn me in."

"Don't be ridiculous, Monk, she's not-" He shook his head, there was no point in trying to convince his friend, better show him, so he moved to the door while Adrian walked around, desperately looking someplace to hide. "Natalie, come in." The door opened and there she was, as perfect as always.

Much to Leland's surprise Natalie's face actually shifted at Adrian's vision. She stayed at the entrance, just as frozen as Monk himself for a few seconds.

"Mr. Monk…? What are you doing here? I thought you-" Leland noticed the moment Adrian was to speak and decided to intervene, he could spare both of them the non-sense that the shortest man was for sure elaborating.

"He was just leaving, nothing important, I called him for some old cases, I needed to complete the paperwork, you know how this is. Right, Monk?"

Though, he seemed to be stuck in his place, not moving an inch with his eyes lost in Natalie, anticipation and fear mixed and melting together.

"Monk. Go."

"Where?"

"You know where." At this he moved at last, but avoided Natalie by five feet, making everything the more awkward.

"Wait, Mr. Monk, do you want me to ride you somewhere?"

"No, Natalie, he's fine." The woman frowned at the captain bewildered, why was he answering for her boss? Something wasn't right. "He just needs to go where he needs to go, and do what he needs to do." Along his ways he'd taken Natalie by the shoulders and softly moved her around, granting his friend access to the exit.

"Okay… But I'm free, Mr. Monk, so call me if you need anything." He looked at her for a final time, with puppy eyes that seemed to beg for forgiveness, though of course Natalie didn't notice. "I'll be waiting."

"I'll try." He said to Natalie, though he actually intended the message to be received by Leland. He had an appointment with Dr. Kroger that afternoon, and after this tortuous interaction he was willing to try.

Finally, the captain closed the door and prepared himself for whatever Natalie's reason was to drop by.