Just a silly, non-canonical holiday extra. Enjoy!
Ch 16: The Apocalypse Before Nepmas
Ram, Rom, and Sync stood in the middle of a large snowy field as they stared down at the unmoving figure before them. In the background, an unrecognizable mass of twisted metal continued to burn as the flames lit up the white expanse.
After a long while, the group's stunned silence was finally broken by Rom.
"We are in so much trouble..."
"YOU BRATS DID WHAT?!"
Ram winced as the force of her older sister's shout blew off both her and Rom's hat. Clearly, Blanc was taking the news a lot worse than she had thought.
"Let's try to be calm about this Blanc," Sync said in a placating tone. "This really isn't as big of a deal as you're making it out to be."
"HOW IS KILLING SANTA CLAUS NOT A BIG DEAL?!"
All of Lowee seemed to shake at the massive outburst. Even with her years of experience at seeing her older sister 'flip her shit' (as C-Sha often called it), Ram still could not help but take a step back in fear. Besides her, Rom and Sync did the same as they both wore identical worried looks on their faces.
"I... I'm p...pretty sure he's not d... dead," Rom eventually said. The poor girl flinched as Blanc turned her furious gaze on her but managed to continue speaking. "At... At least I don't think so. He started breathing again after I healed him a bit. He still wouldn't wake up though so we brought him with us to the Basilicom."
"In hindsight, maybe saying that we accidentally blew up Santa wasn't the best way of phrasing things," Sync muttered from the side.
Blanc looked very much like an active super-volcano that was mere seconds away from erupting and annihilating the entire planet. Luckily for Gamindustri though, the CPU seemed to rein in her apocalyptic anger at the last possible second as she instead took several deep breaths to calm herself.
"Tell me exactly what happened," Blanc growled out, looking very much like she was holding onto the very last thread of her patience and sanity.
Ram gave a nervous gulp as she tried to figure out what to do. It was obvious that one wrong word would set off her older sister and result in an instant Game Over for the entire world. And considering what they had actually done, there was no way that Blanc would be able to keep her calm at the news.
The fact of the matter was that the three of them had stole- er... borrowed a Landmaster from the Basilicom's museum and taken it out to an empty field in North Lowee for a spin. Things had been mostly fine until she had gotten into a minor argument with Rom about who would get to use the main laser cannon first. During their scuffle, they accidentally fired the weapon and ended up shooting Santa right as he was flying by on some prototype rocket sleigh. By the time the three of them got out of the tank to inspect the damage, the old man was lying unconscious on the snow with the remains of his ride burning behind him. Ram had wanted to simply bury the body and sleigh to hide the evidence but Rom had been adamant about getting him some proper help. After a brief debate, Sync had settled the matter by pointing out that having Santa mysteriously disappear would only cause more of an issue for them later on. Unfortunately, the only place they could have him treated without the general public knowing was the Basilicom's infirmary. And that meant letting Blanc know about what had happened. Preparing themselves for the worst, the three of them had put out the fire, buried the sleigh's remains (they couldn't have a random Hunter finding it and alerting the media after all), and hightailed it back to the Basilicom. As for the Landmaster, Sync had been able to successfully teleport it back onto its display before anyone had realized it was missing.
Ram was still trying desperately to figure out a way to phrase all of this without getting everyone killed when Sync suddenly spoke up.
"We were... um... playing outside in the empty field north of Lowee when a Horsebird tried to attack Rom," he said with only the tiniest hint of hesitation. "Ram immediately tried to protect her by shooting a fireball at it but the monster ended up dodging the attack. Santa happened to be passing by on a rocket-powered sleigh right at that moment and unfortunately got hit by the blast. On the plus side though, the explosion distracted the Horsebird long enough for me and Ram to kill it before it could hurt Rom."
Ram barely managed to hold back from letting out a sigh of relief. She definitely had to give her servant some serious credit for coming up with such a good cover story on the spot like that. They all knew that Blanc was extremely protective of them (sometimes to the point where it became almost as suffocating as Vert's breasts) and such a tale was sure to reduce her anger quite a bit as she would be more concerned about the possibility that Rom could have gotten hurt. Of course, the only truth in his tale was that they had been in North Lowee but Blanc did not need to know that.
The CPU stayed silent as she continued to glare at the boy once he finished with his explanation. The tense stand-off went on for an agonizingly long time before she finally relented and gave a large sigh.
"Are you sure you're not hurt?" Blanc asked, her voice softening a great deal as she gave Rom a concerned look.
"I... I'm fine. Ram and big bro saved me just in time," Rom replied, quickly playing along with their given story.
Their ploy actually seemed to work as Blanc's demeanor dropped from world-ending-anger to extreme annoyance instead. Just when Ram was beginning to think they were in the clear, a sharp knock came from outside the closed door.
"Enter," Blanc said while trying to mask her irritation.
The Basilicom's doctor made his way into the room looking as professional as ever. Or at least as professional as a silhouette could look but the point still stood.
"Lady White Heart," he greeted curtly. He paused to give the twins a flat look before turning back to his boss. "Please tell me that the patient your sisters brought in is just a mall Santa and not the real thing."
Blanc's eye gave a visible twitch but otherwise managed to keep her expression mostly neutral.
"Is there a reason you're asking me about this?" she asked instead.
The doctor gave a sigh. "I simply do not wish to see another war with his elves again. Spending another Nepmas treating people who got beaten by giant candy-canes is something I'd rather avoid."
"Wait, Santa declared war on Lowee before?" Sync asked with a confused look.
Ram gave a petulant pout when everyone except for her servant turned to stare at her.
"Hey! He started it first by giving me coal for Nepmas!"
"You blew up three of his toy factories and then set fire to his house," Rom said disapprovingly. "Even I think that was going too far."
Blanc chose to answer the doctor's earlier question before Ram and Rom could start another argument.
"The Santa that these two brought in is just a mall Santa," she lied. "I already have everything under control so there's no need to panic."
The doctor did not seem entirely convinced but passed it off with a short nod.
"As you say milady. But I think it prudent to let you know that the patient probably won't be waking up anytime soon. At best, it'll be about a week before he recovers any semblance of consciousness."
With that non-too-subtle warning, the doctor gave a slight bow to Blanc before exiting the room.
After a brief silence broken only by the sound of Blanc grinding her teeth in muted anger, Ram addressed her older sister with a nervous smile.
"Heh heh... I'm sure he'll be up in time before Nepmas..."
"Nepmas is tomorrow!" Blanc erupted.
Ram flinched back at this before looking to her servant for help. As always, he was quick to respond as he clapped his hands together with a bright smile.
"Guess we have no choice then," he said. "Looks like Ram, Rom, and I will have to set out to save Nepmas ourselves."
Blanc's reaction was immediate.
"OH HELL NO! YOU THREE BRATS ARE NOT-!"
Unfortunately for her (and the rest of the world), the force of her shout shook loose the large ceiling lamp above her which caused it to land directly on top of her head. With an enormous crash of breaking glass, Blanc was instantly knocked out by the large light fixture.
Ram, Rom, and Sync stood frozen in place for a while as they all stared at the unmoving form of the CPU lying before them with equally stunned looks. Eventually, Rom summoned her staff before walking up and cautiously poking her older sister's prone figure. After getting no response, she leaned in closer to check her status.
"Um... She's alive but I think it's probably better if we don't wake her up right now," she reported a few moments later.
Ram and Sync quickly nodded their agreement to this before helping Rom drag Blanc from underneath the broken lamp. After carrying the CPU onto her bed, Ram looked to her servant with a questioning look.
"So... what now?"
Sync seemed to think about it for a few seconds before giving a mischievous smile.
"Well... Blanc never finished saying what exactly we weren't supposed to do. We'll just assume that she was going to tell us not to go out tonight without some hot chocolate to warm us up."
Ram shared a smile with Rom before rubbing her hands together deviously.
"Heh heh heh. Guess it's time to save Nepmas then!"
Planeptune Basilicom...
"So why do you need to borrow my prototype sleigh?"
"Er... reasons..."
Rom gave a quiet sigh at her sister's lame response to Nepgear's question. As great of a prankster as Ram was, she was absolutely terrible when it came to keeping their plans hidden. Part of the reason why so many of their pranks failed was because Ram would accidentally tip off their victims too early with her poor acting skills. (The other reason was that the makeshift explosives they rigged often failed to explode properly.)
Luckily for the current situation though, Sync was around to salvage it.
"We actually took on a late-night quest to go deliver a bunch of presents to the local children," he smoothly replied. "We figured it'd fit the holiday spirit more if we flew in on a sleigh rather than just teleporting over there."
The story instantly won over Nepgear as she put on a large smile.
"Aw, that's so sweet. Is that why the three of you are wearing Santa outfits right now?"
Ram gave a quick twirl to show off her new clothes. "Yup! I bet I'm the cutest Santa ever!"
To her surprise, Rom noticed Sync glancing at her instead of her sister at this statement. This immediately caused her face to take on the same shade of red as her outfit as she looked away in embarrassment.
"Heh heh. You all look great," Nepgear cheerfully affirmed. "As for the sleigh, I'd be happy to lend it to you three. I'm pretty sure I have it stored somewhere in warehouse twenty-five so let's go get it."
One quick teleportation to the Basilicom's warehouse later, the group found themselves looking at an extremely high-tech... sleigh. Or at least, Rom guessed that was what the heavily armed vehicle was supposed to be.
"Er... Is it just me or does this thing look more like a tactical assault craft than a holiday transport?" Sync asked, mirroring Rom's thoughts.
Nepgear's eyes took on its mad scientist gleam as she proudly presented her invention.
"This is my HyperNeptunia Mk-III Turbo Sleigh. It's capable of reaching speeds up to Mach 3 with my newly patented Neon Energy Propulsion Units, or NEPUs for short. The quad flight processors on its base allow it to go up to a max altitude of eighty-thousand feet and its share-based shield battery can protect its passengers from any changes in temperature or air pressure you might experience while driving it. The same shield also has enough stopping force to take on the direct blast of a small Blue Shell and survive. As for its armaments, it comes equipped with a set of my prototype rotary cannons, which I still haven't named yet, on its side. Each cannon can fire up to fifty plasma rounds a second and can automatically reload itself. The front and back areas are also armed with six machine-gun turrets giving it a full three-sixty degree coverage. Other features include a cloaking field, a short-range EMP, a Hadron Cannon, ten unmanned interceptor drones equipped with proton pulse blasters, and a portable missile silo capable of firing an intercontinental nuke."
Nepgear paused for a second as she tried to think of any other noteworthy features her death machine had.
"Oh, and it also comes with cup-holders and seat warmers."
Rom, Ram, and Sync simply chose to respond to all this by staring at the 'sleigh' with open mouths. After a lengthy silence, Sync finally spoke up.
"Quick question. Why exactly did you build a sleigh capable of annihilating a small country by itself?"
The purple-haired tinkerer gave a small shrug. "I had a few spare parts and Neptune's old sled lying around so I figured I'd have some fun upgrading it."
She gave a wide smile as she looked at them expectantly. "So? What do you think?"
The three of them shared a look with each other before Ram answered with a large grin of her own.
"We'll take it."
"Alright. Now that we've got our sleigh, let's look over that list and bag we... borrowed from Santa."
Ram laid out the two items her servant mentioned onto the table in her room. The three of them decided to focus on the large red bag first as they carefully inspected it. Though it looked empty at first glance, they knew enough holiday lore to know that the bag was magical and would allow its user to bring out any toy or gift from one of Santa's workshops. The problem though was figuring out how to use it.
"Gah! This sucks!" Ram complained after several minutes of getting no results. "Hey Sync! Aren't you smart with this space stuff? Can't you figure out how to get this stupid thing working?"
Sync remained silent as he instead grabbed the electronic tablet containing Santa's list (apparently even the jolly old man had started keeping up with the times). After inputting something into the tablet, Sync put his hand into the bag and somehow managed to pull out a brand new set of crayons.
"How did you do that big bro?" Rom asked in amazement.
Sync put on a smile as he showed her and Ram the list. Looking at it, they saw that Rom's name was highlighted on the screen along with her wishlist.
"It looks like we can only pull out presents that match what's on this list. More than likely, we need to be thinking of the person's name as well as what present they want if we want to make the object appear in the bag." Saying that, he handed Rom the box of crayons he was still holding. "Speaking of which, Merry Nepmas Rom."
"T...Thanks big bro," she responded shyly as she took her gift.
"Hey! What about me?" Ram cried out.
Sync quickly turned back to the list as he searched for the younger twin's name. His expression changed into a puzzled frown though when his results came up empty.
"Huh. That's weird. Your name's not on the list. Maybe he forgot to put you on here or..." His frown deepened as he fiddled around with the list's filter settings. "Oh," he said with a slight wince. "It looks like you were placed on the Naughty list."
As expected, Ram did not react well to the news.
"WHAT?! I was on my best behavior this whole year! Grrr! That's it! I'm gonna freeze that bearded dummy for good and then bomb his house until there's nothing left but ashes!"
"W...Wait Ram," Rom said, grabbing onto her sister's shoulder before she could carry out her threat. "We have the list right now so we can just put you back on the Nice list and give you a present instead."
This thankfully managed to calm the temperamental loli down as she crossed her arms with a huff.
"Fine. But I want everything on my Nepmas list!"
Sync immediately did as he was told as he moved her name over to the Nice list. He stopped, however, when he looked over her wanted presents.
"Er... Ram? I'm pretty sure I can't pull out a moon-sized battle station with a planet-destroying laser from this bag."
"Try it!"
While he went along with her command, Sync secretly prayed that he would not pull out such a destructive weapon for her (even he had his limits when it came to giving kids dangerous objects). Surprisingly, the bag seemed to read his thoughts as he pulled out a large Lego model set of the planet-destroying battle station instead.
"Laaame!" Ram complained after seeing what she got. "This stupid toy bag sucks!" (She still snatched the Lego box from her servant though.)
Sync however seemed very interested by what just happened.
"Huh. So the present we pull out doesn't have to exactly match what the person actually wanted."
"What does that mean big bro?" Rom asked.
A mischievous smile slowly spread across Sync's face. "It means we can prank everyone in the whole world with this. We just have to be creative about it."
Rom caught onto what he was saying right away while Ram took a few more seconds to figure it out.
"Ohhh, I get it," the younger twin eventually said. "We can pull out any sort of prank gift from the bag as long as it kind of relates to their wanted presents."
Sync gave a nod as he began looking through the list while coming up with hundreds of devious ideas.
"Heh. This is going to be fun. I can already picture... wait, what?" he suddenly said. "Why's sis on this list? I know she likes to call herself young but she's definitely not a kid. Unless, of course, Santa based all of this on mental age in which case..."
Ram peeked over at the tablet before answering. "Oh, that's because Santa needs to give presents to all of the CPUs and CPU Candidates no matter how old they are. It was one of the things Blanc told him to do after he surrendered to us in the war."
Sync decided not to question this any further as he brought up the wishlist for all of the other CPUs and CPU Candidates instead.
Blanc: earplugs, signed copy of Ninjas of Love, new hat, a more durable anger management therapist, bigger breasts
Neptune: pudding
Nepgear: antimatter generator, ion torpedoes, flux capacitor, the original Alloy Gear Rex, the TARDIS
Noire: sewing machine, new secretary, a friend, social skills, another cat
Uni: dual pulse pistols, a particle beam rifle, Nepgear, bigger breast pads
Uzume: new megaphone, year supply of fish food, cool new sunglasses (like the ones S-Sha has), instruction manual on how to summon and control a Dark CPU (cause they're still awesome even if they're evil), new roller skates
Vert: little sister, little sister, little sister, little sister, little sister, maybe some new game controllers
Sync and the twins could not help but sweatdrop as they read through the list.
"It looks like big sis still wants bigger boobs," Rom said with a sigh. "I hoped she would get over that by now. And I kind of feel bad for Miss Noire..."
"Eh, we always knew Noire was a bit of a loser," Ram answered bluntly. "As for Blanc, we'll need to pop her boobs with needles if they get bigger. We saw how much of a meanie she turns into if she becomes like Vert."
Sync gave a sigh of his own. "Speaking of sis, she's about as desperate as ever. I know Santa has magical powers and all but even he's not a miracle worker."
"Maybe you can dress up as a girl for her?" Rom suggested. "That would be a pretty good way to prank her."
Sync shook his head. "Nah. I've got something else in mind for her. Though I admit, I could probably become a pretty convincing trap if I got in a dress," he added with a smile.
"Hm... I kind of doubt that," Ram said skeptically.
Sync gave a barely audible snort but otherwise did not pursue the matter any further. Instead, he turned back to the task at hand.
"Alright. Let's get started on our new Nepmas list. I doubt we'll have enough time to get everyone so let's just pick out the ones we can replace with something more fun. Hm... why don't we start with this one? Tiny Tim from Lowee apparently wants a new crutch for his bad leg..."
Once night fell, the Terror Trio got into their war-machine/sleigh and flew off to begin their deliveries.
"Okay, we've got about forty thousand houses we need to visit in Lowee," Rom reviewed as Sync turned on their ride's cloaking device (Nepgear's inventions all used the same control scheme so it had been easy for him to figure out how to pilot it). "Big bro can use his teleportation powers to put the presents directly into their houses while also getting all the cookies and milk that they set out for us."
"Some of our upgraded gifts will need to be delivered directly though," Sync added as he drove towards the city's central square. "They're either too volatile or have unique energy fields that'll prevent me from safely teleporting them over. For those, it'll be up to you two to sneak inside and get them under the tree."
"Can't we just put it in front of their houses or something?" Ram asked.
"It's tradition Ram," Sync answered. "Besides, a lot of the gifts will be more fun if we set them up right next to their beds."
The two of them shared a mischievous laugh at this while Rom looked a bit worried.
"What do we do if someone sees us?" she asked.
Sync pulled out what appeared to be a couple of smoke bombs from his inventory and handed them to her.
"These are filled with a fast-acting tranquilizer gas that I developed," he explained. "Anyone with share energy should be immune to them but everyone else will be out almost instantly."
"What if one of the CPUs finds us?" Ram asked.
Sync just gave a smile as he handed her a wooden bat.
"Heh heh heh. This will work," the younger twin gleefully said as she grabbed her new weapon.
Rom let a small sigh to this. "I really hope we won't have to use that..."
"Ugh. Why does Noire have to be so freaking heavy?"
"Be quiet Ram. We might wake up her present."
With a great heave, the twins deposited the recently bludgeoned CPU back onto her bed.
"Sheesh. Who puts motion sensor alarms all over their windows?" Ram complained as her sister checked up on Noire one final time.
"Well, Miss Vert, Neptune, and big bro all like to barge into her place a lot so I guess it makes sense," Rom answered. "Still, it's a good thing Uni's such a deep sleeper or we would have had to smack her on the head as well."
"Yeah, I guess. What should we do about Noire's cat and all of the guards we just gassed though?"
"Let's move them out of the room. We don't want them waking up first and ruining Noire's surprise."
After tucking in the CPU, Rom and Ram carefully walked around the large fluffy present they had left as they began dragging out all of the other unconscious bodies into the Basilicom's central room.
"I wonder if we're going a bit too far with Noire's prank gift," Rom asked as they carried the last of the sleeping guards out of the CPU's room and carefully closed the door behind them.
Ram answered with a shrug. "Hey, she said she wanted another cat. It's not like we're getting her something she didn't want."
"We got her a giant saber-tooth tiger Ram."
"So? Tigers count as cats."
Several hours later...
"Whew. Looks like we're finally done with all of our deliveries," Sync said. "Now all we have to do is... oh."
He stopped to give a smile as he saw that both Ram and Rom had fallen asleep while he had been focused on teleporting the last of the presents. The two were nestled firmly on either side of him as they both slept with peaceful smiles on their cookie-crumb covered faces. Using his telekinetic powers, he pulled out a large blanket from his inventory and covered their group with it.
"Well, guess I'm not going anywhere for a while," he said with a small laugh.
Using his powers again, he remotely set the sleigh's autopilot towards the top of the Neptral Tower near the center of Gamindustri. From there, they would have a safe vantage point to view the results of their ultimate prank.
"Oh, right. I guess there's still one more name on the list."
As the three of them flew off into the night sky, Sync checked off his own name from the Nepmas list with a happy smile.
Planeptune Basilicom
The next day...
"Wake up Neptune!" Histoire yelled out in a panic as she floated over to the Nep sisters' room. "We have an emergency! A boy from Lowee apparently invaded Planeptune in a giant mech suit and is currently fighting a local boy who's riding around on a fire-breathing T. Rex! Not only that there's... Neptune?!"
The Oracle stopped in shock as she entered the room and found the CPU lying motionless in front of the Nepmas tree.
"What... what happened here?"
Oddly enough, Nepgear was nowhere to be seen as nothing but silence answered Histoire. Floating closer to examine the body, she saw that Neptune was still breathing but only just barely. Fearing the worst, she looked closer and saw that the CPU was holding a spoon in her right hand and a cup of pudding in her left.
"Poison?" Histoire wondered aloud as she floated down to grab the pudding cup.
What she found though was something far, far worse.
"Eggplant-flavored pudding?"
Blanc's room...
Blanc woke up to the sounds of distant screams and massive explosions.
"Keep it down out there," she mumbled out. "I'm trying to-"
She suddenly jolted upright as she remembered what exactly had happened before she had been knocked unconscious.
"Shit! Don't tell me that-"
Her words were cut short when she felt something cold and wet pressed against her body. Her personal prank senses immediately went into high alert as she cautiously looked down at herself while holding her breath. Her expression quickly changed from worry to pure unadulterated rage however when she realized what exactly the three trouble-makers had done to her.
"YOU LITTLE SHITS! I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!"
The pair of extra large frozen chicken breasts that were duct-taped to her formerly flat chest jiggled at her scream.
Noire's room...
"KYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Uni's room...
Uni woke up in surprise as her sister's terrified shriek rang out across the building.
"Noire?! Is something-"
Her words died out as something else drew her attention away entirely. Barely able to believe her own eyes, Uni stared at the person standing next to her bed.
"N... N... Nepgear?"
Uni's mind immediately began racing as she took in the white and purple sailor outfit that defined the Planeptune CPU Candidate. What was Nepgear doing in her room on Nepmas morning? Was it possible that she wanted to spend the holiday with her rather than her own family? Did that mean she saw her as more than just a friend?
Uni felt her face redden at the thought as she tried to be logical about the situation. She did add Nepgear to her Nepmas wishlist as a (somewhat) joke so it was possible that Santa had brought her over for her. The gift ribbon tied over Nepgear's head added to this theory as... wait. Why did Nepgear's face look like-
"NO! Not you! I'm not letting you possess my face again!"
Nepgya gave a horrifying smile as she lunged at her terrified prey.
"Smile~!"
Vert's room...
"Pardon me girls but... why are all of you inside my room?"
Vert looked at the crowd of young girls gathered before her with a confused expression. While she normally would have been ecstatic about such a situation, this specific group of kids managed to make even her inner PerVert hesitate. For one, all of the girls had clammy gray skin that made them all look like walking corpses. Add in their creepy glowing yellow eyes and it was clear that they were most definitely not human.
"Um... are all of you lost? Perhaps I can-"
The moment she took a step forward with her hand outstretched, all of the girls let out a terrified scream.
The next thing Vert knew, a literal army of giant diving suit monsters smashed their way into her room to attack her.
Uzume's room...
"Awesome! Santa gave me a new megaphone!"
Without even bothering to look at the instruction booklet that came with it, the red-haired tomboy lifted up her new weapon and took in a deep breath to test it out.
What Uzume did not know was that the megaphone was actually a modified Sonic Amplifier used by a certain famous support hero. At max settings (which the device was currently set to), even a normal person would have been capable of creating sound waves strong enough to topple a large cargo truck. Sync and the twins had been hoping to prank Uzume by getting her to blast apart her room's wall while testing it out. Unfortunately, they had severely underestimated just how powerful the red-haired CPU's lungs actually were.
Unaware of the danger, Uzume gave a large smile as she unleashed the loudest shout she could muster.
Zero Dimension promptly exploded.
Planeptune Central Park
The day before Nepmas...
Much to the surprise of the local citizens, a large blue police box suddenly materialized within their midst. As they watched in confusion, Nepgear walked out of the strange machine looking rather distressed.
"I hope accidentally dropping the first Planeptune CPU's pudding cup didn't change anything too important," she muttered worriedly to herself.
"Oh, there you are Nep Jr.!" Neptune's voice suddenly called out. "Did you accidentally turn yourself into a human again with one of your science-y experiments?"
Nepgear looked up at the crowd gathered in front of her before her mouth dropped open in surprise.
"What the goodness?! Why is everyone a giant Dogoo?!"