AN: The end is almost here folks. I'm thinking there's probably only going to be one more chapter, then perhaps an epilogue if it's needed. As always, I hope you enjoy, and please leave a review!
The worst heartbreak that Gil had ever experienced was losing Jackie. It was the worst thing, in general, that Gil had ever gone through. It was worse than Jessica breaking things off with him, worse than losing so many good brothers and sisters in blue on 9/11, worse than anything he had ever experienced. Nothing had ever come even close to the pain of losing his beloved wife. But seeing Malcolm lying there, in JT's arms, looking so lifeless and small? That came damn close. If Gil lost him, if his kid didn't pull through, then the pain of losing Jackie would only be multiplied.
The memory of holding Jackie in his arms as she took her last breaths would never leave his mind. Malcolm had been there, having just managed to slip away from the Bureau for long enough to say goodbye. The kid had been clinging to her hand as Gil held her. Both he and Gil had been crying, but Jackie was smiling as she looked at them.
"This family has been the greatest experience of my life," she said. Her voice was soft with weakness, but still, she smiled. "Being your wife," she turned to Malcolm, "and being your mother, have been the best part of my life." She squeezed Malcolm's hand, undoubtedly using what little strength she had left to comfort them. That was who Jackie was. She was always looking after others before herself.
"Thank you for everything you've done for me," Malcolm said between his tears. He was crying in earnest, but Gil couldn't help him, since he was crying just as much. "You never had to do any of it, and I- I love you so much," he sobbed, his head falling onto her thin shoulder. Jackie weakly turned her head to the side and kissed his forehead.
"I love you too, baby, so, so much," she said. "You take care of Gil, okay? And let him take care of you, too. Stick together, boys." Jackie turned to look back at Gil. She was crying now too, and yet her smile remained. "You have been the love of my life. There is no man I would have rather spent these years with."
"Jackie, please," Gil sobbed, but he didn't even know what he was asking. For her to live? Of course, but it was her time to go and everyone knew it. There was nothing the doctors could do, and nothing Jackie could do. It was her time. "You're the love of mine. I love you more than life itself," he finally said. What else was there to say? They knew each other's every thought. There was nothing that Gil could say to lessen how much it hurt, and there was nothing that Jackie didn't know. And still she smiled through her own tears.
"Take care of our boy, okay? You protect him," she said. Gil nodded vigorously. He would look after Malcolm and protect him with every fiber of his being. Without Jackie, there was nothing and no one more important to him on the planet than Malcolm.
"I promise, " he said, and he'd never meant anything more.
Jackie looked between the two of them, holding their hands with both of hers, smile still on her face, but her eyelids seemed to be getting heavier and heavier. It was almost time. "Look after each other. I love you boys more than anything. You are the greatest things to ever happen to me." Her voice was getting softer, becoming a whisper that Gil had to strain to hear. "Always remember how loved you are. Always." Jackie's eyes slipped close, the smile finally fell from her face, her grip on their hands fell away, and she breathed her last.
"Jackie?" Malcolm called out through his tears. His hand was shaking under her still one. "Jackie?" he tried again, his voice breaking.
"She's gone, kid," Gil said through his own tears. He sucked in a deep breath as sobs threatened to overtake him. "She's gone."
Gil and Malcolm sat there, sobbing, holding onto her hands as they grew cold, for as long as they could. Eventually, the doctors had to pry them away in order to take her body, but they just held on to each other as they sobbed. Gil could hear nurses and doctors whispering to others to let them be, to let them grieve, that they'd just lost a wife and a mother. That day, they weren't an FBI agent and a seasoned NYPD lieutenant, or the son of a serial killer and the man who caught the monster. They were just a dad and his kid, grieving the death of the woman who had completed their unorthodox family. It was a wound that would fester, never to be healed completely.
It was, without a doubt, the worst day of Gil's life. He had never experienced a pain that intense before, and he hoped he never would again. But as he carried his bloody and broken kid in his arms, praying that he would get him to the ambulance in time, Gil couldn't help but feel the cold pit of fear in his stomach that he was about to lose the most important person in the world to him. It would be like losing Jackie all over again, but even worse, because this time, he wouldn't have the distraction of taking care of someone else or the knowledge that he still had his kid and he wasn't alone. If he lost Malcolm, Gil knew he would never recover. He could never look Jessica or Ainsley in the eye again, since without Gil, maybe Malcolm would've never gone into law enforcement in the first place. Their team would be fractured, likely broken beyond repair. Both Dani and JT would blame themselves, Dani for not getting there in time and JT for not being able to save him. Edrisa would be a wreck, that went without saying. And Gil? He would be so lost. Malcolm was the most important person in the world to him. He couldn't lose the kid, he just couldn't.
"Hang on, kid, okay?" he muttered to the unconscious boy in his arms. "I've got you." Gil was moving as quickly as he dared. The gunfire had stopped, so he could only hope that the good guys won and the surviving mafia members had surrendered. Gil hoped they weren't all dead - he wanted to have the opportunity to make them suffer himself for what they had done to his kid. He kept moving towards the treeline, but he could only go so quickly without risking jostling Malcolm more than he was okay with. The kid was beat to hell, far more bloodied than just the freaking bear trap still attached to his ankle would cause. Gil couldn't risk making any of it worse.
He could just make out the flashing lights of an ambulance through the trees.
"We're almost there," he muttered, finally getting a reaction from the boy in his arms. A pained whimper reached Gil's ears, loud enough that he stopped in his tracks. Malcolm was waking up. The kid's breathing sped up, and his whimpers turned into soft cries. "Hey, hey, it's alright," Gil whispered to him. "I've got you, it's okay." He looked down at the kid's pale face, illuminated by the moonlight shining through the trees. Gil could just make out the tears that began to stream out of Malcolm's eyes, still squeezed shut. Carefully, Gil took another step forward. He needed to get Malcolm to that ambulance as quickly as he could.
Malcolm cried out as Gil began to walk again. "Stop, no, please," the kid begged through his tears, eyes still shut tight. Gil immediately did as he asked, even though he knew he needed to keep moving. Malcolm needed to understand that he was okay, that he was safe, that Gil had him.
"Hey, kid, it's me, it's Gil," he said. "Can you open your eyes for me?" He could hear movement behind him, but he forced himself to relax. It was only Dani and JT.
"Gil?" Malcolm asked, his voice a broken whisper. It was so hoarse, it sounded painful. Gil's heart broke to know that it could only be hoarse from screaming. Slowly, his eyes opened, revealing those baby blues that Gil had grown to love over the past twenty years.
"Yeah, kiddo. It's me," Gil said as tears began to form again in his own eyes.
"Are you real?" Malcolm asked, as more tears began to fall. He leaned against Gil even more, turning his head to hide his face in Gil's chest. "I want you to be real. Please don't leave me."
"I'm real," Gil immediately responded as his heart continued to break. "I'm taking you to the bus right now. JT too. We found you." He began slowly walking again, and forced himself to ignore the whimpers that it pulled from his kid. Each step was going to jostle him a little bit, there was no way around that. "You're gonna be okay. I've got you, you're safe now."
"J-JT? JT?" he weakly called out between his groans of pain.
"I'm right here," JT called out in response from several paces behind Gil, his voice much stronger than Gil would've thought it could be. He was surprised that JT had even been able to hear the kid, with how weak Malcolm was. JT would've had to have been focusing on Malcolm, the entirety of his attention tuned in to the kid. The more Gil thought about it, the more it made sense, given the trauma they just experienced together. "It's okay, kid," JT said. "Gil's got you."
Malcolm went a little more limp once he heard JT's voice, letting go of the tension he was holding onto and further relaxing in Gil's arms.
"He's right," Gil muttered as he continued walking, approaching the rather steep decline towards the ambulance. "I've got you. I'm gonna take care of you. That's what I always do, take care of my kid."
He may have been speaking more for his own benefit than Malcolm's, since the kid in question was squeezing his eyes shut, the side of his head resting against Gil's chest as he shook with pain. Gil paused for a second, readying himself. He needed to move down the hill at a steady pace, and he couldn't lose his grip on the kid. As small as Malcolm was, he was mostly muscle, with barely any fat on him at all - the kid really didn't eat enough, he was too small - and Gil's adrenaline was quickly fading. Malcolm was dead weight in his arms, and although Gil would carry him to the ends of the earth if he had to, it was becoming increasingly difficult to hold on without adjusting his grip - and he couldn't adjust his grip without risking jostling the kid more than he was comfortable with.
"You just hold on to me, okay kid?" Gil asked, but even that was a tall order. He had seen the state of the kid's wrist, he could still see the blood soaked fabric serving as a makeshift bandage. Gil didn't know what had happened, but it certainly didn't put his hand or even the entire arm in working order, considering his shoulder was bloody as well. The only saving grace was that the leg still attached to the bear trap was also the leg that had a bloody bandage around the thigh. Malcolm still had one leg that was fully functional and healthy, but it didn't make much of a difference.
Malcolm nodded and whimpered in response, using his good hand to grip Gil's shirt as tightly as he could, which, admittedly, wasn't very tightly at all. The kid was just so weak. Gil wasn't even sure how he hadn't passed out again. He wanted nothing more than for his kid to be able to not be in agony - and he was in agony, the steady stream of tears that Malcolm wasn't trying to hide was a declaration of the fact.
"Make it stop," Malcolm whimpered, his voice barely even a whisper. He probably hadn't even meant for Gil to hear him.
"I know, kiddo," Gil replied as another tear slipped down his own face. "I'm gonna get you to help, I'm gonna make it stop." He steadied himself, then began the careful descent. He could see the ambulances, and could only hope that that more were on the way. The EMTs were already treating injured SWAT members and mafia men, but Gil needed an ambulance to be able to take both Malcolm and JT to the hospital immediately. His kid was dying in his arms, and JT was in shock. No matter how injured anyone else was, they mattered more to Gil.
Malcolm continued to let out tiny whimpers with every careful step Gil took down the slope. Gil couldn't even begin to imagine the absolute agony that the kid had to be in, and he couldn't even do anything about it. He could only keep moving towards the ambulance.
"I need help!" he shouted as he need the bottom of the hill, alerting the EMTs to his presence. The area was fairly well lit by all of the flashing lights of cop cars and medical vehicles, but he and Dani were bringing the rest of their team in from the dark woods, an area that wasn't well lit. "I've got you, kid," Gil repeated softly. A few shouts by the EMTs near the ambulance later, and a gurney was being rushed towards him by two EMTs. "This is gonna hurt, but I'm right here, I'm not leaving you, okay?" He felt Malcolm nod against him, then hardened his heart.
Gil laid Malcolm down on the gurney as gently as he could, but the moment the kid's foot made contact with the stretcher, Malcolm shrieked, making a weak effort to get up and remove all pressure from the trap still attached to him. Malcolm started sobbing again in earnest, but still wouldn't let go of Gil, sweater with his one good hand.
"It's okay, I'm right here," Gil affirmed, holding onto the kid's shaking hand with both of his own. "I'm not leaving you."
"I'm here too," JT added, appearing at Gil's side. He put his hand on Malcolm's good shoulder, drawing the kid's attention to him. "You're doing so good, kiddo. It's almost over."
The lead EMT turned to Gil and said, softly enough that Malcolm probably couldn't hear him, "we need to take him right now to have any chance of saving his foot."
"I'm not leaving him," Gil immediately responded, tightening his grip on Malcolm's hand.
"I'm going too," JT added. He was already moving into the ambulance.
The EMTs looked between each other, then the lead one looked back at Gil. "Fine, but we need to leave immediately," he said, although he didn't sound too pleased that he was going to have so many people in his bus.
Gil turned back to Dani, realizing that he was leaving her both in charge of the scene, and leaving her alone, separating her from the rest of their makeshift family. Could he really do that to her? Gil stared at her through his watery eyes, opening and closing his mouth. He didn't know what to say, what to ask.
"Go, it's okay," she said. Her gaze was steeled and she straightened her back. "I know you can't leave him. I've got this." She nodded, crossing her arms to hide the deep breath she was taking. But there was nothing but honesty in her eyes. Dani really did want him to stay with Malcolm and JT. She understood, and she was telling him that it was okay.
"Thank you," he said, stressing the words, then immediately turned back to his kid and the EMTs. They were slipping an oxygen mask onto Malcolm, but that was probably just an extra precaution. "Can you put him out, please?" he asked them as they began to wheel Malcolm onto the bus - and Malcolm's cries grew louder at every stick and stone they rolled over. Out of the corner of his eye, Gil could see that there were members of the SWAT team and the mafia men they were arresting that did in fact need medical attention, but he couldn't bring himself to feel the least bit guilty about taking the ambulance for Malcolm and JT. His team was always going to matter more to him.
"Gil? JT?" Malcolm called out. The kid tried to lift his head up, but it quickly fell back down onto the gurney.
"We're right here," Gil responded the moment he hopped into the back of the ambulance. He needed to stay out of the way, to give the EMTs plenty of room to work on both the kid and JT, but his instincts kept screaming at him to hold his kid's hand and never let go. In the light of bus, Gil could finally see just how hurt his kid was. The damn trap was biting into his ankle, soaking everything in blood. Even the EMTs cringed when they looked at it. There was blood all over Malcolm's shoulder, wrist, and thigh as well. Gil didn't know what the cause of those injuries were, but he would be willing to bet it had something to do with the torture one of their SWAT guys was sure took place at the cabin. Once again, Gil wanted to strangle the men who had touched his kid, who had put him in this situation in the first place.
"I'm not leaving you, kid," JT added from his place on the spare gurney. Malcolm managed to turn his head to the side, so he could see both Gil and JT. "We're not leaving you."
An EMT moved to stand between them, doing his job, but blocking JT and Gil from Malcolm's line of sight, and him from theirs. The man did something, Gil couldn't see what, and Malcolm shrieked again.
"Please, just give him something, put him out," Gil begged, despite knowing that the man was doing everything he could to help. The bus started to move, but Gil stood and moved towards the gurney, coming to stand right behind Malcolm. He made himself as out of the way as he could, but his kid needed him. Gil put his hand on his shoulder, the only thing he could do to help.
"We need to focus on keeping him stable right now," the EMT said far more gently than Gil was giving him credit for. He continued, in a voice only meant for Gil to hear, "once he's at the hospital, he'll be taken straight to surgery, and they'll try to save the limb. Until then, my main concern is keeping his vitals up. I know it's hard to see someone you love in pain, but I need to do whatever I can to keep him alive." The EMT gave Gil a sad smile, then put his attention back on Malcolm. The other EMT did whatever the lead one told him to, and didn't pay Gil any mind.
Gil nodded, even though his heart was breaking. He kept up a litany of reassurances as the EMTs worked around him, making sure that Malcolm knew he was there, and never leaving him. JT did the same from his place a few feet away. Gil could tell how exhausted the other man was. The EMTs were more or less ignoring JT, since it was clear how much worse off Malcolm was, but Gil couldn't ignore him completely. It looked like it was physically painful for JT to stay awake, but he was trying anyway, so scared that if he fell asleep, Malcolm would be gone when he woke up. Gil could understand that fear. It was something he had faced frequently over the prior twenty years.
"Gil..." Malcolm muttered from underneath his oxygen mask. He weakly lifted his good hand up, and Gil rushed to take it.
"Yeah, kid, I'm right here," he said, gently rubbing his kid's hand with his thumb.
But Malcolm didn't reply, his eyes closed once again, and they didn't open.
"Kid? Malcolm?" Gil called out. The ambulance hit a speed bump, implying that they were near the hospital, but Malcolm didn't so much as flinch.
"His vitals are dropping," one of the EMTs said. "Sir, I need you to move." Eyes wide and heart shattering, Gil did as he was told, and moved to sit next to JT, whose thousand yard stare fell on Malcolm. Neither one of them said anything, both too lost in their own fear for Malcolm to comprehend anything else.
They were pulled from their stupors the moment the ambulance stopped moving. They stayed out of the way as the EMTs shoved the doors open and quickly pulled Malcolm's gurney out and handed him off to the ER nurses scrambling about. Gil rushed off the bus and chased after them, into the hospital, with JT right on his heels. He was barely able to get a grip on Malcolm's hand before the nurses were pushing him away.
"He's going straight into the OR, you have to stay here," the woman said, her voice firm and commanding. She was just doing her job. She was just trying to save Gil's kid. He needed to let her.
Still, it took JT grabbing onto his shoulder to stop him from forcing his way into the OR after them.
"Boss," JT said, his voice breaking. "They've got him, now. They're gonna take care of him." He looked at Gil with tears in his eyes. Gil wasn't sure he had ever seen JT cry before. "They're gonna save him. He's a strong kid. You taught him to be strong, he's your kid. He's gonna be okay." JT said it with certainty, with finality, but his face was anything but certain.
As Gil looked back towards the doors leading to the OR, he could only hope that JT was right.