A/N: Hello! I think this chapter is ready to be read and loved or hated XD. Thank you Kareneb for reviewing so faithfully and the readers that put the story on alert, it feels great knowing the story is appreciated. The goal for this chapter was to get the right mix of B&B being... well you know: B&B!
Just because he had told Angela that his private life was his to tell, or rather: not to tell, didn't mean that he didn't think Angela might be right. As much as he hated to admit it to himself, there was a chance that Bones would understand, she had understood last Friday night… Do you really believe that? Yesterday she didn't have all the details yet. Put yourself in her shoes, would you be understanding? No, he probably would not, he was more the jealous type and anyone trying to come close to the person he cared deeply for would probably end with someone needing intensive care at the hospital.
It would be really easy for him not to man up to the task and let the detailed grid system at the Jeffersonian do its work, but the mental image of Bones learning about his slip up from anyone other than him made him feel nauseous. No, leaving it to Angela didn't feel right to him. He knew he needed to be the one to tell Bones. Even if it meant that she would kick him out of her apartment after doing so…
So, now, Sunday evening, he had decided it was time to face his partner and confess. He wasn't sure if it would be better or worse than going to confession with the priest. Lilly had been cuddled up on his couch with one of her many books and she hadn't asked any questions about why he was leaving. Not being at home to keep an eye on her was feeling uneasy. The fact that she was still keeping her emotions bottled up didn't help his comfort levels either. He hoped that making her swear not to leave the apartment, without contacting him first, would be sufficient to keep her out of harm's way.
In front of Bones' apartment:
Nervously he rolled his weight from and to the balls of his feet as he stood in front of his partner's door. After knocking, he soon heard her light footsteps.
"Booth", Bones said surprised as she opened the door.
"Yeah, hi, Bones. I am sorry to bother you on your free Sunday, but I'd appreciate it if we could talk."
Stepping aside, Bones nodded. "Okay, did something happen?" She wasn't sure what she was picking up on, but she could see Booth wasn't feeling as comfortable as usual.
"Yes." Booth felt his throat close up as he walked in and quickly sat down in his favorite chair in her apartment.
A frown appeared between Bones' eyebrows. "Should I be worried?" Suddenly she had a flashback of being 15 again. The officers that had come to the door of the Brennan family home had also been giving evasive answers until she had gotten Russ for them. Then, they had dropped the bomb that both her parents were missing. "Is my dad okay?"
"Yes, there is nothing wrong with Max. No one is sick of in life danger, everything is under control, sort off." Booth said. "There is just something I need to tell you. I uhm… you always tell me not to judge until the facts are in."
"Yes, you've already said that."
"Right, I uhm.. I am not sure you've heard about what happened after I dropped you off this Friday night. In the light of those events, there are some things that I left out when we talked, which at that point didn't seem important, but now they might be."
"What has come up? And details about what?"
Booth took a deep breath in. This was going to be a turning point. They had gotten so close to getting their act together, getting them together and now he was sitting here, not feeling so certain about their possible future. In a couple of years, he would look back on this conversation and he would either be happy he told his partner or he would be kicking himself in the head for this exact moment. "Well.. after I dropped you off, Hodgins called."
Quickly he filled his partner in on the details that he knew. Getting that whole story out was bad enough, but he knew he hadn't even got to what he really had to tell Bones.
"Oh no, Booth, that is horrible. Is miss Johnson okay?!"
Not many people were privy to this people-loving-side of his partner. "Yes, as okay as she can be."
"Good, I am glad." Still, she noticed the tension-filled expression on Booth's face. "But I am guessing you didn't come all this way to tell me about what I can only imagine is one of miss Johnson's worst days in her life." She wasn't sure what exactly was bothering Booth, but she hardly ever saw him this nervous. It must be worse than miss Johnson getting assaulted outside the office building, but she wasn't sure what that could be.
"You got that right." Booth let out a sigh. "Lilly will probably not be all too happy about me telling you any of it in the first place, but as I learned from you, sometimes circumstances change and different facts become important, so I felt obligated to tell you this too."
"Okay, so continue."
"That lawyer mentioned something, while Hodgins and Angela were able to hear." Looking at his partner's face, he found it so difficult to tell her. What words will be the ones that destroy her trust and faith in me? At what point will she have enough of me or will she understand? God, I hate having to think about this. "As I told you Friday, I have had the ' mandatory' one night stand."
Bones nodded. "Yes, and I thought we've already discussed that it is a good thing, right? I don't understand how miss Johnson fits into this."
Here goes nothing. "You know I am not a kiss and tell kind of guy, but since Angela and Hodgins and the cops and therefore by extension, Caroline and Sweets know now too, I felt you deserve to hear this coming from me. I hope we'll be able to get past this, since it is an inessential unimportant detail. But I am not sure you'll come to the same conclusion." The last two sentences being barely more than a whisper.
"Booth, please, just throw it up already, Booth."
Too focused on his next sentence he forgot to correct her use of the saying. "The woman I slept with is Lilly."
Bones stared at him, seeing the tension coursing through Booth as he waited for her reaction.
His jaw ticked as he fumbled with his hands.
"Oh."
Oh? Was that all she was going to say? Under any other circumstances he would have been proud of stunning his brilliant partner into silence, but now it worried him. There were always a million thoughts going through her head, so never had he heard her only utter the word Oh as a response.
"Do you love her?"
The vulnerability in her voice was nearly breaking his heart. He wanted to get up and hug the insecurity out of her but he was well aware that he should be just happy that she hadn't kicked him out of her apartment already. "No, maybe as a friend, but that is nothing compared to the feelings I have for you." His answer was nearly instant and honest.
Bones nodded, not being able to help the tears that welled up in her eyes. Tears of which she didn't really know if they were from tension, relief, happiness or sadness.
"I didn't tell you anything that wasn't true on Friday", Booth said. "Being a gentleman about what happens between the sheets is pretty important to me, but Stein sort of shot that to pieces. When we talked, I didn't think it mattered that it was Lilly. Because, as I told you then, she and I aren't dating. I understand if you're angry with me."
"How did it happen?" Bones asked. Not sure what she wanted to learn from that, but feeling compelled to know.
The determination in her voice made him unable to not tell her. Sure, he could ignore her question, he was after all perfectly capable of not sharing information he didn't want or wasn't allowed to share, but if there was still any chance of a future with her, he knew he needed to tell her whatever details she wanted. "I wasn't feeling like myself for weeks. But at that moment I wasn't really thinking about any of that, she and I were kidding around and then it kind of just happened." A feeling of shame when remembering his lack of self-control suddenly made him feel warm.
"You told me that intercourse was about love between two people, that without love, it wasn't worth it."
Understanding which question his partner had left unsaid, he nodded. "Yes I know, I did say that and I still stand by that. The love between two people makes everything better, not just the stuff in the bedroom. It makes the sun shine brighter, coffee taste better. That is still the truth. Though, I am not perfect and I guess I slipped…"
Bones swallowed away the shock. "Okay. Thank you for telling me. I appreciate your honesty."
Oh no, she is shutting me out, hard. "Bones, please. I'll understand if you're angry or upset, but please tell me what you're thinking. I hate seeing you doubt me."
"I am not angry Booth. I am also not doubting you." Trying to find the right words to convey her feelings, she paused to gather her thoughts. "Before I left for Maluku, I never understood how hard it must have been for you to see me dating other men. It was only when you were dating Hannah I got to feel how horrible it truly is to see the person you care so deeply about with someone else. But it was your right. You thought Hannah could make you happy and you had every right to try by being in that relationship. Same goes for you and miss Johnson. You are an unmarried adult, she is an unmarried single adult." Bones added. "However, I find I do have a few more questions."
"Yeah, of course. I know I kind of just dropped this on you. Whatever you want to know, Bones." Yeah, definitely not one of the smoothest conversations by Seeley Booth.
"Why did you sleep with her?" There was nothing he truly had done wrong, and yet, she still felt conflicted. Rationally, she knew that she had no standing of feeling upset. Booth was an attractive man and he had been, or more accurately, was still single. She tried to compare her feelings now to those not even 48 hours ago on the same subject. Knowing who her partner had chosen for a quick toss in the grass, shouldn't make a difference to her, and yet maybe it did? Why did it hurt that he had chosen miss Johnson for that probably very enjoyable task? Booth and she hadn't even promised each other anything this last Friday, although the promises had hung thickly in the air.
"Like I said, I don't really know. I wasn't thinking, she was around, and it all of a sudden just happened." Booth repeated meekly.
"That is not what I meant… She is younger than you, than me, significantly younger even."
"Yes, so?"
"She's rather pretty."
Suddenly he realized the point his partner was trying to make. "Yes, I can't deny that Lilly is good looking, but that isn't why it happened. At least, I don't think that is why it happened… I can't really explain why it did happen, because I don't really know. But you really don't have to be insecure about anything like that. You are everything I want in a woman. There is more to it than looking like a twenty-something-year-old. There are intelligence, character and personality, life experience. I know it is bad when I use science words, but love is about the chemistry between two people.
It is hard to explain because it is such a wonderful feeling. I am attracted to you in every possible way. I've been seriously in love with you for a really long time now. As much as I care and now worry about Lilly, it definitely isn't the same thing. I didn't even know I was attracted to her like that... You used to describe sex as taking care of biological urges, I still think that makes sex sound too cheap, but I suppose it was something more along those lines." Booth placed his head in his hands, shaking his head. "God I keep messing up." Looking up at Bones his eyes were pleading. "I shouldn't even be explaining this. Bones, you aren't comparable to Lilly or any other woman I've ever met before. You stand head and shoulders above everyone else. There doesn't need to be empirical evidence for that. I know that it is the truth."
"Alright, I accept your explanation."
A long silence followed.
…
"Well, right, that was what I wanted to tell you. Thanks for listening. I think I should go and leave you to your rest of the night..." Booth stood up from the chair, padding his pockets to locate his car key.
"What? No! Booth, don't go!"
"I think I should go, Bones. I am not sure I can handle many of those uncomfortable moments of silence. "You need time to process, which is only natural. I don't want to be in your way while you do."
Bones got up too, stepping in front of him. "You always say I process information at the speed of light per hour, therefore I don't need any more time to process. I want you to stay... if you have the time. Unless you are needed by miss Johnson?"
Was that cynicism in her voice or was he imagining that? "No, that is not it. I am sure she can manage. You sure you want me to stay?"
Bones nodded. "I do, I've missed you, spending time with you. What you've just told me is surprising, but it doesn't change anything fundamental between us."
Booth gasped, his mouth falling open. "I can't believe how lucky I am that you are so understanding. Maybe I don't deserve you."
"No!" Bones said. Trying to contain the panic growing inside her. "Don't do this Booth. I know you are a great man but even the greatest of all can fall of their cart. Before we met up on Friday I already anticipated that there might be some problems to overcome. But everything I've accumulated of knowledge and experience about you tells me you're the one for me too. We both have a past but that should not keep us from building a future. I don't want you to sacrifice our opportunity of shared happiness just because you feel bad about a previous decision. I will not let you."
Booth moved closer to envelop Bones in a right hug, tears threatening to spill. "I really, really, don't deserve you."
Much sooner than Brennan preferred, Booth lessened the hug and sat back down, this time on the couch.
"I am sorry Bones, I keep getting it wrong. Trying to push you to give us a shot, bringing back Hannah and now this..."
"This isn't hanging over us." Bones said with determination as she moved closer to his chest, trying to get comfortable in his arms. "I concede that the identity of your one-night stand isn't an essential detail. I told you I love you, and I stand by that, Booth. I expected that us giving it a try might not be as easy, but that is okay, I think I am strong enough to take that chance. You telling me about you and miss Johnson might feel like a setback but it is nothing more than a small cough (hiccup)."
Snuggling into Booth once more she enjoyed the proximity. This time a comfortable silence followed.
A/N: Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this little step toward the happy B&B life. They still have a little way to go, but I think you'll agree it isn't as far away as it seemed a couple of chapters ago :). Until next time!