Strengthin Denial
The gates grinded open to the entrance of Karanes District as the soldiers slowed their pace as they enter the district, the citizens looked at them puzzled, upon realising that it wasn't a full day as the sun set down, what had happened that could go very wrong, was there fewer soldiers now from when they left this morning. Some civilians not wanting to believe after cheering them on this morning to see them defeated. This must be the shortest expedition in the history of mankind.
Looking at the soldiers with wounds and the bodies on the carts, it is clear that is a monstrous failure. Most that aren't injured walked on foot, some guiding their horses, most without the horses that came with them.
"Hey Commander Erwin" a civilian called out its face furrowed with anger "Was the lives worth it this time?" a chorus of murmurs and shouts in agreement as the soldiers on horses and looked forward, not making eye contact at the failure they have brought.
Even Erwin continued in stride in silence.
"What a waste of our taxes" Hearing some calling out "Why do you even bother killing our soldiers for nothing?"
Eren being awake hearing all this, they know nothing, glancing to Alan, bandage wrapped round his head as Mikasa laying her head on his chest, apparently the emotional exhaustion caught up to her, falling asleep as soon as she calmed down.
Alan simply ignored the boo's and insults flying their way, his focus was simply watching Mikasa's sleeping form, her cheeks glistening from the tears that was shred.
Hearing ore insults at the survey corps, Eren face contorted in anger about to rage at the people mocking them, as if they fought and bled for them, they never go out the walls to risk their lives to fight the titans. Jolting up to see two children smiling at him, thinking how cool they are as they seem to still revere them as heroes. Being reminded how he was when he was young, Eren backed off, slumping down in defeat, at the sudden memory.
"It be a good thing that you didn't say anything Eren" Alan murmured, watching his distress was irritating but after the expedition not lasting a day, he could understand the anger of the people and due to the extreme heavy losses, this will be marked the end of the corps.
"How can you ignore this?" Eren waving his hand to the people, hissing quietly in disgust at the very people who wouldn't even have the courage to do what they do.
"Because at this moment, I have someone important that needs sleep" Alan honestly said nodding down to the sleeping woman, breathing slowly, being in time with his heart, if he kept calm his heart won't beat fast, apparently she keeping in sync with his heart beat, knowing she would stir if it gets too fast.
Looking down Eren can only nod, his features relaxing, looking to his wound on his head, bandage covering.
"Did the female titan do that to you?" Eren asked, Alan only blinked at the question before realising he was talking about his head.
"Would you believe me, if I said, I hit my head on some random tree?" Alan chuckled. Eren can only manage a small smile shaking his head.
"No, but it raises more questions how" Eren joked.
Eren is glad that Alan is alive, seeing the pain in Mikasa's face was horrible to watch, knowing that she must be feeling twice as bad as her anguish in Trost, and once Alan came back as if death spat him back out, it's like a miracle and all that emotion pent up as she realises that he was real, it burst out and the journey back was mostly her cries, as she laid her head in his chest.
"Alan" a deep voice spoke up, only to stare into Reiner, his face grim, but a small smile shine through "I'm glad you're alive, thought we have lost you on the right flank"
"Reiner, you know it takes a lot to kill me" joking half-heartedly, only for Reiner to narrow his eyes.
"This time was too close" Reiner cutting off, rubbing the back of his head "I hate to lose you, brother, but there are times I wish you don't do things recklessly"
"I had no choice Reiner, you saw how bad the right flank was, I did what I had to survive and I had to keep to the plan of staying alive" Alan spoke calmly, glancing back and forth to check he didn't wake her up.
"I know, it's just I don't want to lose you to something stupid" Reiner spoke looking to Mikasa "She doesn't want to lose you"
Seeing his expression serious, Alan gave out a sigh, circling his fingers through the raven hair, a content sigh coming from the beauty, still asleep.
"I promise I get you home" Alan spoke "I have not forgotten" happy to see Reiner smile broadened.
"I know you haven't" Reiner patted Alan's shoulder "It's just gotten allot harder to do so now"
Not far Levi was loss in his thoughts as he walked, hiding his limp, his face emotionless, until an elderly man pushed through, being so tall, his hair red pushed through.
"Captain Levi! Captain Levi!" the man cried out.
Levi can only look away from the man approaching, dread filling his stomach the man was smiling.
"My daughter is in your squad, I am Petra's father" introducing himself, Levi kept his focus forward.
The man continued unaware of her daughters loss "Before she sees me, I wanted to talk to you" holding up a letter in his hands "She sent me this letter, she mentioned that you respected her abilities enough to allow her to join her squad." A sense of proud drawing from his voice, his smile at the thought widening.
Levi can only listen, unable to speak as the aged man continued "She is very devoted to you" chuckling at his comment "Well she is dreamy eyed to consider how her father feels" his laugh louder.
His smile grew "As her father, I think it's too early for her to marry being so young with so much to experience" unaware of the haunted expression placating over Levi's face.
At the front the crowd gotten more verbal as Commander Erwin still walked in silence.
"Does the dead have regrets Huh commander Erwin?!"
"Does this expedition justify the amount of deaths loss today?!"
Many questions of many mourning family members, people who gave too much faith into them all respect and love gone in a single day.
Erwin knew tomorrow he will be ordered to hand Eren over to the Military police and be at Stohess in two days after tomorrow.
If the plan went accordingly, they would have made a huge leap against the enemy but the arrival of the two intelligent titans evaded their grasp, Erwin is not willing to give up yet, he need to question some of the cadets that survived the right flank, perhaps they have clues on the identity of the titans.
Night came as the scouts returned to the HQ close to wall Sina apparently orders have come sooner demanding Eren to be handed over the day after, non-spoke as the failure loomed over them, what should be the pinnacle of humanities achievement, got struck down by two titans.
Alan wondered alone in the courtyard, looking on to a few scouts, their expressions sullen, their spirits crushed, it is quite contagious, the wounded went to districts hospital, some can only wait the impending doom of their regiment being disbanded due to the critical failure of the expedition. Many lost their lives that achieved nothing, they have gained nothing from it.
Alan can only watch, a conversation earlier, sworn to secrecy between Armin and the commander, with Mikasa, Eren, Hange, Mike and Levi was present.
"Recruit Armin" Commander Erwin spoke after a silence bringing those he could trust to this small gathering. "You have information for us?"
"I do, yet I still don't believe it myself, until I saw it for my own eyes" Armin hesitated, looking to Eren, then to Alan, his gaze remained before gulping down the water that laid in his mouth.
Erwin waited patiently, observing the reactions that would unfold, they may recover from this failure if proof comes forward of the identity of the titans.
"Do you have any hints on the armoured titan" Erwin spoke, wanting to find out the unknown titan first, if there's any hint that they could find the one amongst their ranks without suspicion it would be a huge leap.
Armin looked back and forth again, Mikasa's expression hopeful, perhaps too eager to find anything about the titan that reached.
Eren, only just learnt of its involvement from Mikasa's confession to Alan, also wanted to hear the news, Armin is a smart guy, surely, he would know.
Alan looked on emotionless, his dark blue's piercing into Armin, waiting patiently.
"Sadly, I don't, it doesn't to appear to be one of the cadets with us as it didn't react to Eren's nickname, it just killed without restraint of who got close" Armin spoke.
Erwin nodded, unfortunate yet he couldn't strike the possibility that the one inside was aware of this little detail, whoever was inside was collaborating with the female titan, perhaps when they find out the identity of the female titan, they will find out the identity of all the titans.
"And the female titan?" Erwin's eyes now scanning for the reactions of all present.
Armin hesitated again, expecting the backlash "I believe it is Annie Leonhart.
Time froze as the world crumble in Alan's eyes. Mikasa can only look to his features noticing how it tensed, his eye's shocked at the revelation. It hurt her to see the pain piercing his eyes.
"On what evidence Armin?" Alan harshly spoke, even Eren was in denial.
"Come on Armin, this is Annie, who we trained for three years with" Eren spoke, his voice breaking at the thought that it is her to be the traitor.
"She reacted to your nickname, sparing Jean, if her mission was to capture you, she would try anything to see you alive" Armin spoke.
Alan scoffed "Seriously? There's more to it than that" pressing for more information, not believing to what he is saying, his teeth gritting at the thought. Armin backed away from the harshness in Alan's voice.
Mikasa can only watch the hurt and pain, the denial Alan is facing, seeing how he considered Annie as a close friend, a sister. Betrayal is something Alan is not accustomed to, Mikasa can only assume, he just don't want to see it and find every possibility to refute such.
Her hearts bleed once more, but she can't overlook the fact that Annie caused this much pain is unforgivable, Mikasa's resolve strengthened to be his strength once more.
"Yet how does she know that Eren was not on the right flank?" Erwin asked, as Alan's eyes remained on Armin, Erwin noticed how his fists clenches and released.
Armin thought back, to the memory how Reiner… Armin's eyes widened in shock, Reiner asked on where Eren could be, it was obvious the safest spot would be at the rear of the centre and Armin told him that.
That's when Reiner decided to chase after the female titan to stall for time, Reiner being caught, he must have etch the information in her hands, which would explain when Reiner escaped she only stood hunched over looking at her hand, then running off towards the centre formation.
Unable to say Reiner's name, seeing Alan at breaking point, this is the first he saw his composure broken easily, it's like if he were to suggest Reiner is also the traitor then Alan would not only snap at them all of accusations but confront Reiner as well, throwing the whole secrecy out the window.
Levi observing notice the hesitation, glanced to the kid, something clicked at why Armin was hesitating.
"Erwin, let's focus on the female titan first then we can deal with that later" Levi, spoke as another unspoken conversation between Erwin and Levi.
"Very well, we would have to make a plan how to resolve this incident" Erwin spoke turning to Alan.
"Can we trust that you be able to put aside your personal feelings for the better of everyone around you?" Alan shot his eyes to Erwin, the denial, residing within, yet something else spoke quieter, making Erwin uneasy, yet remained firm upon the gaze.
Alan can only say nothing as his brain process the information, Annie? No, he can't.
A Hand resting on his shoulder, to see to be Mikasa's, her eyes, saddened at his anguish, feeling her strength, Alan close his eyes, forcing something down within him, before reopening, his eyes distant.
Looking to Erwin, his face solemn "I can try"
Erwin nodded noting at his current mental position it is the best answer he could get.
"Very well, tomorrow is the only chance we get, this is the plan, to those present and those we be involving will be sworn to secrecy, as so the enemy does not find out our movements" Erwin spoke, stern in his order given, as all listened to what's happening.
The memory fresh as Alan looked to the night sky as the slight breeze caress his cheek, hearing movement to see Bertholdt and Reiner there, concern on their faces, as they saw Alan's face turn to pain, he knew he couldn't tell them, yet the urge was there, they were all friends from the beginning, if only he could be stronger and faster, he would be able to protect them, yet one is not who she is and that hurt him.
"Alan are you ok?" Bertholdt asked, concern for his friend.
"Just a headache Bert, the wound was painful enough" Alan hiding the truth, his duty as a soldier, how he hated it.
"Yeah it was a quite a wound" Reiner spoke moving his hand to inspect it to grin "You always was a fast healer, you lucky bastard" grinning he be able to make Alan laugh.
"Yeah, but that's not the real reason is it?" Bertholdt spoke, regretting his words since it loss the smile.
"It's just how fucked the expedition went, so many lives loss for what?" Alan spoke, his face as stone "We achieved nothing, we failed what we set out to do"
"Hey, we still alive Alan" Reiner spoke placing his hands on his shoulders "We can recover from this, we are the best damn soldiers' humanity can give"
Staring into the eye's as Reiner bringing him into a hug, Bertholdt, watch as his small smile brought to his face.
"We are in this together Alan, all the way" Reiner spoke as he parted his smile genuine "We promise each other to get each other home" looking to Bertholdt "So what would happen now?"
Alan glanced to his knife, mulling over the answer, sworn to secrecy, perhaps he can give the ones that be obvious.
"As you already know due to the failure, the military police are demanded to have Eren handed over to them, since Captain Levi is injured, the commander asked that I assist with the exchange" Alan calmly stated.
Reiner and Bertholdt nodded, apparently all scouts are ordered to the district besides the recruits from the 104th besides Mikasa, Armin, Alan and Jean, jean for all unknown reasons.
"So, Alan, did you know that all of the 104th recruits are not going to Stohess" Reiner asked, observing his reaction, only to have Alan raise his eyebrow.
"That is new news to me" Alan can only state, feigning ignorance, hoping Reiner won't see through it.
A surprise look etched on his face "First time you're caught in the unknown" Reiner joked, as Alan relaxed slightly chuckling at the joke.
"Not the first time, remember the female titan" Alan joked that was unexpected to say for least "
"Yeah, that was a tough spot, but who would have known you got out of it hitch hiking on abnormals" Reiner agreed "How did you figure out which one is not an abnormal?"
Placing his hand on his chin in thought before grinning "Maybe I tagged on the ones that's not trying to eat me?"
"Yeah, the biggest surprise is that unknown titan" Bertholdt spoke, the two hummed in agreement "Apparently it came from the left flank"
Reiner hummed, eyeing Alan a bit before speaking "That was unexpected for sure, do you think it's in league with the female titan?"
"Definitely, from what I heard from Mikasa; it was very intelligent as it used titans as a battering ram to get through" Alan spoke.
Reiner laughing "Your serious?" before shaking his head "That was some smart thinking, how it got under our nose is something else"
Bertholdt looking around nervous for some reason "Yeah, Alan you should have some rest since your busy with guarding Eren tomorrow"
Alan nodding before looking to the night sky, the stars are coming out through the dark clouds retreating away "I still need time, to think, to breath for a moment"
Nodding Reiner patted his back "Don't stay up too late" before returning to the barracks.
"Since your heading to Stohess, if you see Annie, see if she's ok" Bertholdt asked.
Alan nearly lost composure before regaining it as he looked at the sky, before glancing to Bertholdt "Don't worry I make sure to see if she's ok" before turning away.
Bertholdt can smile before turning in himself.
Hearing the sounds of retreating footsteps Alan briefly closes his eyes, the pain, regret washing over him, his inner conflict fought against each other, battling out who will be victorious, such battle happened every time it came to his friends, Mikasa, Eren, Armin, Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie.
Yet a battle between him is not his friends this time, but something completely different, something far greater. Sensing someone nearby, watching, he opens his eyes.
"You can come out now" Alan spoke, seeing Commander Erwin coming out the shadows.
Alan wasn't surprised, no doubt the Commander was wary of his personal feeling as he saw the trio.
Yet when Alan left, he held back Armin for a short while so he can get the information on why he hesitated to tell, knowing it's the recruit's brother, it is logical not to say in front of a volatile person.
"You kept to secrecy, which is good" Erwin spoke. Alan raised his eyebrow.
"You say you didn't trust me commander?" Alan spoke, sensing yet another person eavesdropping, there is no end to eavesdroppers this night.
Erwin can only look back, Erwin's eyes fixated on Alan's, another game of words, quite interesting to play along with battle of wills.
"more than to see if you can put personal feelings aside, knowing you and your friend's history" Erwin spoke.
Alan watched intently mulling on his words "As you heard, I only said what I have been ordered to, to everyone's knowledge"
"Yes, I apologise for eavesdropping, it was quite... personal" Erwin cautiously spoke, it was indeed he overstepped his bounds "But you could understand the caution we have to make, friends they maybe, they can easily talk to an enemy unaware of our movements at this very moment"
Alan lowered his eyes, yes they have to be cautious now, it be unfortunate if the enemy would know now and could intercept them.
"I understand Commander" Alan spoke, as Erwin nodded, before taking his leave, only for Alan to wait a bit longer to watch him disappear before turning to the building nearby only to see Mikasa, leaning against the wall, leaning her head to side waiting for him to react.
"How long have you been there Mika" Alan can look at her, yet his tone was calm.
"Since the beginning" Mikasa bluntly said, indicating that she overheard two conversations, yet she did not care, she only wanted to have one alone.
"I'm ok if that's what you're wondering" Alan spoke, assuming that's the reason.
"But you're not" raising her eyebrow to him, not believing his little white lie "your hurting inside, I can feel it" placing her hand on his heart, the steady slow beat, resided within. Looking into his eyes once again, seeing the pain behind them, something he can hide from others but not from her, they are more connected too each other than either would admit.
"Can I ever hide anything from you?" Alan grinned, Mikasa giggled before smiling again. Looking to his face, first instinct when she first saw him when she thought him to be dead was to slap it.
"I had to make sure" Mikasa paused, Alan's confusion rising in his features. "I had to make sure your not a figment of my imagination, when I thought you to be dead, not wanting to hope in case your some ghost, haunting my vision" clenching her fist at the thought, she had to make sure.
Realising what she meant, Alan brought her into a hug "You could always kiss me next time instead of slapping" Alan chuckled, seem to be a thing if Alan were to be near death she had to slap him, may need to break that habit one or another.
Mikasa humming in agreement as she leaned in planting her lips on his, Mikasa have been wanting to do this ever since they came back, wanting to forget everything that happened for just a moment, somehow he wanted the same as well, as he welcomed it with open arms.
Tongues locking as they melt into each other's arms, coming apart only to breath only to dive back in again, Mikasa, urge growing, until the thought of tomorrow cross her mind, halting her thoughts and movement, regretting that action since she felt his movement halting as well.
"You're thinking of tomorrow, aren't you?" Alan asked, damn him for reading her mind, is she that easily read. Nodding to his question, hearing him sigh.
"I'm sorry to think on it, but I hate it that they would ask you to go through with this" Mikasa spoke.
Alan can only watch her, his stare distant yet again before opening his mouth to say something but stop yet again, before thinking on his words. This is truly troubling and knowing it will be painful to do this, it will be hard for him.
Mikasa on the other hand wouldn't hesitate on ending her, she would end this quickly just to spare him the pain of doing it himself if forced into the situation, aware how Alan was reluctant to go through with it, if it was down to her, she wouldn't involve him at all, but in the end she would have to be his strength to protect both Alan and Eren.
"As my duty as a soldier, I have to as I ordered" Alan stoically said his tone mono if reciting out of a book, Mikasa blinked, expecting something more emotional not this robot in front of her, only assuming that it is his way of doing what is asked to put aside his personal feelings.
Before Alan can speak more Mikasa placed her hand onto his cheek, piercing his gaze "Let's no longer think of what is expected of us, right now is just you and me, alone" saying the last word with a bit of emphasis hinting at something before nodding to the gate heading outside.
Alan gaped, before grinning "What would I do without you?" chuckling at Mikasa's attempt at being seductive.
"Like Garrus" Mikasa bluntly spoke, causing to Alan to laugh out loud.
"We definitely don't want that to happen now do we" wiping the tears from his cheeks, the thought of him being the guy that trains naked, fights naked, even do stupid things that people wouldn't even dare to think.
Apparently, the guy tends to say things without thinking, luckily Levi broken ankle prevents him from beating the crap out of Garrus for calling him a midget in front of the other soldiers.
Mikasa, now leading Alan by the hand towards the gate, her sweet smile radiating from her lips, for this moment they want to forget the ordeal that happened today, more importantly wanting to forget what would come that will happen in the weeks to come.
Somewhere in the barn where the horses are kept, Alan and Mikasa weren't the only people that wanted each other's comfort, as Garrus and Sasha lay naked amongst the hay, far away from the horses, so they won't be rolling in something horrendous, not that it would matter, they stink anyways.
As Sasha laid on his bare chest, circling her fingers, as her thoughts ran over, before the expedition Garrus was reading a letter from home, yet never had the chance to speak about it.
"Hey Garrus, I have been thinking" Sasha piped up, receiving an amused snort.
"This is a rare occasion; shall I jot this down as the biggest achievements of mankind?" Garrus interrupted, chuckling at the stupid joke he couldn't hold in.
Sasha rolled her eyes "Apparently a lot more than you" retorted back before having the last laugh as Garrus shuts up but nodding his head for her to continue.
"Was the letter from your family?" Sasha asked, Garrus snorting again.
"All that thinking, and it is to ask about that?" Garrus snorted.
"Well that and something else" Sasha blushing at the next question, smirking, seeing how Garrus's interest piqued on the possibility of the second question.
Deciding to humour her "If you must know, it was a letter from my father, stating that I should quit the military and be his glorified bitch" Garrus rolling his eyes at the thought of the letter.
Puzzled Sasha nuzzled into his neck, eliciting a groan "And why wouldn't you like to be a glorified bitch"
Chuckling at Sasha for using his choice of words "Funny enough both of my brothers have joined the Military police through the wealth of my father, apparently my father thought while I had to go through the military to train, he use his own wealth for my brothers to get their own special training with the big wigs"
Sasha furrowed her brow, so there's another way of getting into the military police, but the abuse of power and wealth seems apparent enough and Garrus seem to know all too well.
"Why would your father do that for them and not for you?"
Garrus looked to her face, his expression, as if asking to say is that a serious question.
"Have you seen my stylish looks; my father gave me this scar" pointing to the gash across the bridge of his nose "Apparently my mouth was so astonishing he cut me with the knife in his hand" chuckling at the memory.
Sasha widen in shock, from when she grew up her father cared about others, never letting anyone put him down and his forgiven nature is one of the reasons why something like this was unheard of, family should look out for each other.
"If it wasn't for my brother Rickard, the second eldest, my father would have done worse that fat useless bastard" Garrus smiled that at least person in his family gave a damn, he had letters from Rickard checking on his well being while he was in training, he even personally came to Trost after he heard about the breach, what a wonderful reunion that was.
"He sounds like a good brother" Sasha hummed, Garrus can laugh.
"He is indeed, except Christian, that brother is a piece of shit, Father's big massive hope and dreams, now he joined the military, father wants me to be his bitch, fuck that guy" Garrus growled.
In his moments in the scouts and ordeal in Trost, Garrus came to learn to let go for his desire for his fathers approval, right now, he has everything, a fine lady that he wouldn't ask for anything in the world and that he has control over his own life without anyone telling what to do, minus Captain Midget, that guy had it in for him since day one of the survey corps.
"Well, at least we get to relax tomorrow, with that sniffer guy and the raging alcoholic and the banana woman" Garrus mused, unsure why they are being hold up into the building during the exchange that would be happening in Stohess, but then again, his father is living in that district since it is one of the most busiest districts for merchants and main trade route to the capital where the king resides.
Humming in agreement before her eyes twinkled in mischief.
"Round Three?" her voice purred, while Garrus growled in lust, chuckling at her feisty nature.
A/N: This chapter was pretty easy to write since I had exactly what in mind to write, calm before the storm how will Alan react to Annie, find out in the next chapter, hope you guys enjoying it so far :)
Myzor: This chapter answered your question of why it was needed of Mikasa and oh yes she will be protective now that the secret is out, Alan will be eternal conflict and I am eager to see how he copes.