She knew.
Chapter 1
She knew as soon as she saw him walk through the doors. His return after a long tour away from her once again. His head was down, and his shoulders told it all.
She knew.
You couldn't love someone that much and not know.
He tipped his head up and almost reluctantly looked for her in the crowd. He knew she would be there, and maybe he was dreading this moment. Slowly he found her and smiled a smile that was more false than welcoming. Her heart broke just a little bit more. A little bit more than it had been breaking over the past few weeks without him.
She knew.
The sadness on his face. The guilt that was once again haunting him.
She saw it all, and she knew it all.
Still like the couple they were they put on the show that was required of them.
He played his part. She played hers.
He a Captain, still in semi command of his returning section, and her a Captain's wife. The public arrivals lounge and the large gathering of people all meant that now wasn't the time to address this. She knew that too.
They greeted each other with reserve, though still with total genuine affection and love. They had despite it all missed each other. They still loved each other; but still she knew. His kiss was short and practices. His hold on her not as tight as it should have been. Not as tight as she ad hoped it would be.
Yet despite it all. Despite the pain her heart was feeling, and his too they played their parts.
She smiled. A lot.
Moving with him by her side. Close physically but that was all. They chatted with his section and their families. Shook hands, gave hugs said their goodbyes and left the arrival lounge at Brize and headed towards their car. |For all eyes on them, if there were any, they seemed normal, but they weren't. Not only did she know, she felt it too.
This tour away had been hard. Hard for them all. He had been in charge when things had gone spectacularly wrong. Firstly Mansfield getting seriously injured, Then Elvis' re appearance and finally, the worst event of it all, Georgie's kidnap. All these things that Charles had carried on his shoulders and felt responsible for. She knew that. He said little in their Skye chats. Never admitted it more than once, but he knew he didn't have to. He knew that she would just know. That was at least some comfort to him.
He smiled as best he could. Carried himself with an artificial enthusiastic stance as he walked away, but she knew. Their hands didn't seek each other out as they once had. Her body didn't melt into his to relish his presence once again in her world. Instead they just moved forward side by side.
He threw his kit into the boot and settled into the passenger seat next to her. She said nothing, though that surprised her. It was always his role to drive them anywhere and the fact he opted not to said more that she thought possible. Instead she just watched him sit straight ahead with a fixed unconcerned look, but she saw the darkness under his eyes. The sallowness of his skin, and the overly bitten nails on his hand. She took it all in. Screaming inside as to the unfairness of it all, but she stayed quiet. She knew that was what he needed. Her being there was what he needed.
Pulling the car away she saw that he closed his eyes tight and the false controlled stature slipped away almost immediately. He almost physically slumped where he sat as the miles passed by and the responsibility of his role slipped behind them.
She had intended to drive them all the way home. Back to the house they shared. Back to their refuge, their love nest, their retreat, but she knew she couldn't so that. This wasn't something that could be discussed as she drove. This wasn't something that they could ignore. He needed to know that, that no matter what she was never running away from him and the demons he carried in his head.
Since climbing into the car, she had said very little, he had said nothing at all. Her only indication that he accepted that she was there was the hand of hers he tightly clung onto. It rested in his along his muscular fatigue covered thighs, and it felt right. It felt it was where it needed to be. That he was holding on to her, both physically as well as mentally. That no matter what neither of them would run from this.
He didn't even look surprised when she pulled into a local beauty spot on their way home. He stayed silent as she slipped out of the car and returned minutes later with a coffee for him. He accepted it without question and she saw that pained smile return as he took it from her. She sadly smiled back, knowing it wasn't her that was causing him pain. It wasn't them that worried him. Was eating him up, but it was all that he had seen on this last tour.
Slowly, with signs of a stiff travelled weary body, he climbed out of the car and joined her on a garden bench. Stretching his legs as he sat beside her. Talking a long satisfying pull on his coffee. The colour to his face almost retuning as the longed for liquid hit his stomach. The park was deserted and there was just the two of them and bird song for company. She noted he took it all in, and sighed. Almost as though in this beautiful area a small bit of peace was being returned to him.
She knew now was the right time.
"So, I take it was all a bit shit?" Were her first words to him in what seemed to be such a long time. She had so much to say, always had when he returned. But this wasn't like any other returns they had practiced.
He nodded. Eyes now down cast and avoiding hers at all costs. She knew what he was doing.
He'd once said that he could hide nothing from her once he had looked into her penetrating eyes, and she knew therefore that his silence now meant nothing. He was a thinker, this man her husband. Sometime he just needed time before he spoke.
His avoidance of looking at her however meant everything.
She knew it was temporary though. That this beautiful complexed man needed time. Time to process his own thoughts, and time to resurface his vulnerabilities after months of burying them in front of his section. It would be a gradual process that she could not , and would not rush.
She just waited. Drinking her hot tea and waited. Taking in the beauty and the shift in his body as it unconsciously moved closer to hers.
Eventually, and not too long later he looked up. Moved even closer still to her and pulled her into him. She accepted his hold immediately. A happiness like no other could give her ran through her body as she breathed him in.
"It was shit." His voice broke slightly. "God Molly I just kept thinking what I would done... how would I have coped if something had happened..."
She interrupted him thinking she knew what he was going to say.
"Nothing was gonna to happen to her Charles. Elvis saw to that. You saw to that. Georgie was safe."
"No." He almost shouted back to her. She didn't know this time. "It wasn't about Georgie."
She blinked as he pulled himself together and blew out a huge breath.
"What if that had been you? "He asked with such pain. "What if I'd lost you?" He pleaded for an answer. "I couldn't cope Molly. To lose you. I just couldn't cope."
He had moved his arm away from her shoulders and now had pulled her into a bone crushing hug.
"I could cope with anything but that." He admitted. "I still want you to be the last thing I see….just not yet…..not for a fucking long time to come."
And then she knew.
She knew that it was the what ifs and the maybes that was plaguing him. That was what was eating him up with worry. The what if he had lost something out there that he really cared about. Something that he loved, and not just something he was responsible for.
"Charles." She whispered into his chest. "It won't."
"You don't know that." He said so softly. "You really don't know that." His whole body shook in the denial of the fact.
"No, I don't." She admitted and pulled her head up to look at him. "But it's the same for me. My life couldn't go on without you. I still need you to be there for me."
She saw the single tear roll down his face. He didn't attempt to hide it. That wasn't them anymore. They were equals in everything, life, love and all the crippling emotions that came with it. She watched the lopsided attempt at a smile cross his face.
"God we're soppy buggers aren't we Molly Dawes." He chuckled. Shaking his head wondering how one person's life could mean more to him than his own.
Unsure of the time or the day that Molly Dawes had become so important to him, but just bloody glad that she had.
"James." She reminded him. His frequently slip up of her married name earning him a little dig to his ribs. "It's James now, and I intend to be extra safe to make sure it stays that way for a very long time."
He nodded. Accepting that even the fact that they were here, that they had now and she was his, was a sign that he had more luck in his life than he deserved.
They stood and walked toward the car. This time she silently handed him the keys and he accepted. An act that showed her faith in him and his return to normal. He held on to them with a smile and a relish that fund him sitting behind the wheel of the car once more. This action showing and feeling as though they were the first steps on his road back to a normality.
Again, they didn't speak but she knew the fear he had now voiced was less. He had shared it with her. Something they always had done and because of that his load was lighter. This time his hand rested on her lap and he lovingly stroked his fingers up and down her knuckles in a more control measured way of the sign of his love for her. Gone was the fear in his hold on her. He was content, for now.
As they entered their home she saw him take it all in and she knew he appreciated it. Those first moments after a tour when you took in your kingdom and castle, she knew, were special ones.
"Shower? Beer? Bed." She asked. Noticing him almost hesitate as to what luxury he wanted first.
He rolled his head on his shoulders as he worked the final tension from them.
"Shower." He nodded. "And then bed." The decision had been made.
Previous home comings, those words, his choice of their bed would have thrilled her; but not this time. She knew his words were not there to imply a much needed sexual reconnection. They were asking for rest, comfort and her company. She was more than willing to give him them. She was more than willing to be the one to give him the succour he needed. That's what wives did. That's what Molly James did.
He showered in record time while she set to on sorting out his dirty kit. Leaving him alone to wash away the final traces of the eventful tour. Cleaning himself of all that had gone on so he could focus on the here and now... on them. She knew he'd come and seek her out if and when he needed her.
His arms slipped around her waist as she bent down to the washing machine and she let out a childish squeal. It could be no one else. She knew that. His distinctive post showered smell, his hard plains of his body and arms all instantly recognisable to her. She appreciated it all, and he knew he was now finally back home with her, in mine as well as in body when he placed a gentle kiss to her exposed neck.
"Come to bed." He cooed into her ear. "With me."
She turned. Powerless to say no. Powerless to resist and then they kissed. Softly; driven by love and longevity of their need for each other. Not by wild physical passion, but by the need for two souls who belonged together to once again be reconnect with each other. They both knew this was how it should be.
"I will." She smiled and slowly allowed herself to be pulled up the stairs by him as he led them to their room.
She wasn't tired but could not deny his need to have an afternoon nap next to her body after three months of missing him. She could never deny him anything. And as she snuggled underneath the duvet, spooned tight and close to him, as she felt his body slip into an exhausted sleep, she knew she never would.
She knew that this man was her man for life and that whatever came their way. What ever happened in their future she knew they would face it together.