She Knew
Chapter 4
She knew she had missed this.
The hug was just what she had needed. She knew that as soon as she felt his strong arms around her. He gave her more strength than she thought she ever would possess again.
Coming to see him and the feelings she now had made her realise that this was absolutely the right decision.
She now knew that.
The previous days and hours she had agonised over whether or not meeting up with him again now all seemed so pointless. It had simply been the right thing to do.
"It's so good to see you again." He laughed as he pressed a happy kiss to her forehead. He had missed her as much as she had missed him. "So really good." He then pushed her away slightly to look at her properly. "You're looking fab."
"Watch yourself." She giggled back, slightly blushing. The happiness of meeting up with him was contagious. "I am good though." She admitted nodding. "And yeah it's so good to see you too." She smiled across at the man who she saw as being her saviour and meant every word.
She hadn't seen him for months, but she hadn't forgotten his words or his kindness. She hadn't seen him since that day he had walked out of her bedroom at Headley Court. Almost 84 days ago.
His visit to see her then had surprised her, but, on reflection, was just what she needed. He'd listened and then he had scolded. His unhappiness at her so out of character for him that it made her realise that he was so right. She needed more than just the physical help she had been offered.
Still it wasn't easy, and it wasn't something she did straight away. She knew he knew she wouldn't, and so he had come to visit her with military regularity.
His visits always began calmly and Molly always started out listening, and then he would start pushing. Gently pushing and not stopping, and eventually she agreed. He had invested so much of his time during those weeks on her and now his labours were paying off. Molly was getting better. She knew that and she knew others saw it too.
And so it was with a sincere rush of gratitude that she had raced over to him as soon as she got off the train.
Brains quite simply was a true friend. He had been the one who had been there through it all, and that's why she came to visit.
She never questioned him why he visited her that very first time, or who had told him that she was even there. She suspected, but she knew better than that to ask. He still was friend to them both. Loyal; to both her and Charles, which left leaving her guessing.
And so this weekend was a thank you to Brains for being there for her. He'd begged her to visit so many times once he'd seen how well she now was. Excited about his new love, Julia, and his promotion. He wanted to share. To rightly show off. And so Molly knew she couldn't turn his invite down again.
So she came and listened to his news and life tales. It made her happy to see how content he was with his life. Brains was one of life good ones, and she knew he deserved this. He was so happy, and as a shiver of envy briefly ran through her as she listened to him she realised that now it was time that she was too. The past now needed maybe to be the past.
All the time they spent together Charles' name was never once mentioned. She didn't ask and as a good friend Brains certainly didn't offer.
"You're looking happy Molly." He said waiting for her reply.
"I am. I mean I ain't waking up and shitting rainbows just yet, but I'm better. I'm doing really well. Bit of a way to go, I know that. There again I always knew it wasn't always going to be easy." She looked earnestly into his eyes. "Thanks to you mate I think I can safely say I'm starting to get there."
"Wasn't me." He said. "You did it all on your own."
"It was you who made me listen." And then she went quiet.
"What are you thinking?" He leaned forward and flicked her nose with his finger playfully. "I can always tell that Molly Dawes thinking face."
"Nothing." She started and then realised one of the main results of therapy was that she had to stop holding things in. "Well. It's just. When I think of what you did for me...well that's what I tried to do for Charles. And it made me wonder. just wonder why he didn't listen to me? Why he didn't want my help?"
"Yeah..?" He said, knowing there was more. "Did you ever talk about that in therapy?"
"God yes." She laughed. "Until the bleeding cows came home."
"And?"
"They said that maybe... I wasn't the person to fix him anymore. That Charles needed to fix Charles. That maybe he was too dependent on the position he had in our relationship, to show any weakness. That maybe by not admitting he needed help was his way of protecting me, and when I cut him loose I started him off on his own path. That I had been his anchor up until then. His strength. Without me he had nothing to lose. But no matter what had happened or how hard I fought he was always gonna to self-destruct. That was just his way of punishing himself for Elvis' death."
"Shit." Brains replied joining Molly in taking a big long swill on his beer after hearing what she had just divulged.
"Yeah shit indeed." She nodded raising her beer bottle toward Brains in the acknowledgment of it all.
"So you gonna stop beating yourself up and agree then it wasn't your fault... it was just what it was?"
"I'm gonna try." She smiled determinedly and almost fooled herself. "But it ain't easy. He still showed me and the rest of the world he didn't need me. He chose a path of potential professional suicide over tying to fight for me. Our marriage. That still hurts."
"Mol I saw him even day before you ended it." Brains said slowly. "He was broken. With or without you." Brains reached across and held her hand. "He was vulnerable. Yes he wasn't blameless in all this but you've got to remember she went to him. She chased him as soon as soon as she saw her chance. It wasn't just him who betrayed you. He needed help; anyone could see that and she took advantage. Anyone could see how broken he was."
She smiled at her gentle loyal friend and wondered how she got so lucky with him. She knew he was right; she knew everybody was right who told her that repeatedly. She wasn't the one to fix Charles. Charles was the one to fix Charles. Charles... and somebody with a lot more experience than what she had. Her job was to be there, her job was to be the person he wanted to turn to. But when he didn't she did the right thing for her and moved away from him. She knew that it had been the right thing to do, but that didn't stop her wondering if maybe, just maybe she had broken away too soon. No amount of therapy would ever convince her otherwise.
The pub was noisy and there were several familiar faces that she knew, and was happy to re connect with. The alcohol flowed freely and Brains proudly introduced his Julia to her.
As the night went on she knew she was becoming tipsy, but was still on the right side of being in control. She joined in with the Karaoke, and the banter knowing that for the first time in such a very long time she was feeling as close to happy as she could.
Happy that was right until she saw him walk through the door. She wasn't sure what it was that had made her turn around whilst waiting at the bar, but she did. She was drawn to him still.
He'd walked in happy, with a confident smile on his face and totally oblivious of her. He looked just like the Charles she remembered. Her Charles. Smart, crisp and dazzling.
She waited for a moment wondering what her next move should be when immediately behind him followed a beautiful long legged female. He dipped his head as he laughed at something she said. His hand rested on the small of her back as he guided her to the chair he then gallantly pulled out for her.
She watched for a few moments. She knew she shouldn't have, but couldn't stop. It hurt as she watched him smile and move his head in a low almost seductive way that she very much remembered and knew.
It was that very moment that Molly also knew that no matter what she said, no matter what she had talked about in therapy, she was still so desperately in love with him. And it was a feeling that neither surprised her or frightened her anymore.
Admitting her feelings was one thing. Acting on them was another. So she chose to run. Politely telling Brains she was leaving and she quietly made her way out to the front of the pub and waited for the taxi.
"Bugger, bugger, bugger." She yelled as she kicked her foot at the door. Trying once again with the key Brains had given her to his house.
A two bed semi just off the camp's base. Small and old, but close to work and still within the military community as numerous other soldiers lived on that estate too.
It was perfect. Except it wasn't. When he'd handed her over the keys that night he explained about the sticky lock and door. She confidently reassured him she could handle it. And now standing in the dark street unable to get in she knew she had been wrong to even try.
The rain was pouring down and she was only dressed for a summers' night. She shivered as she dialed Brains' number yet again hoping this time he'd pick up.
"Can I help?" The voice suddenly startled her.
"Shitting hell." She jumped up from the curb she had been wallowing on.
"Sorry didn't mean to scare you. But can I help?"
She looked at the man the voice belonged to. Her initial shock had now turned into dis-belief. Here he was saving her again.
"No it's alright thanks." She nodded her head to the door. "Just trying to get in here and the key is stuck."
Charles moved forward towards her cautiously and picked up the key that she held in her hand.
"Here let me try." He said softly and gently to her. Blindly she let go of the key at his request.
Eventually she found her voice.
"Ain't gonna to work. I've tried several times. I'm not stupid you know."
He turned around and chuckled.
"Oh Molly I know that you are most definitely not stupid." And then he turned his attention back to the door.
She stood nervously behind him. On one hand hoping he too would fail, but on the other hoping he wouldn't and he'd leave her alone soon. As she waited she noticed that he was there alone.
"There! Done" He announced proudly turning towards her. The look of happiness on his face was hard not to catch.
The door now stood slightly open and Charles nodded his head towards it, directing her in. As she walked past he gave her a cheeky grin.
"You're a cocky bastard." She giggled when she saw. Happy she was in the dry and happy she had, in the past few seconds, come to a decision that she's going to be mature in his company.
He didn't say anything more, and he didn't move and she knew that this was her turn. The alcohol in her blood giving her the confidence.
"I mean I don't know where everything is but I'm sure he'll have some." She said as she nodded her head towards the kitchen. "Coffee that is! Do you want to come in for a coffee?"
Her offer surprised him. She saw him start. She knew he wasn't expecting such an offer from her, still he slowly nodded his head and moved forwards.
By the time he had entered the kitchen she was pulling stuff around the cupboards in her search for coffee.
"So I saw you tonight in the pub." He began not looking anywhere in particular.
She was pleased her back was turned from him, unsure what her face would betray.
"Yeah?" She calmly asked back. "Right. Your local?" And now having put the kettle on she had no choice but to look at him. "Go there often?"
He smiled softly at her fumbled attempt at conversation.
"Not too often. Not a great socialiser these days but it was a special night. We were celebrating." He added.
"That's nice." Was all she said.
"So you're visiting Brains then I guess?" He continued as she looked confused. "This is where he lives... I've been here before."
Quickly she made their drinks and handed his over to him. He half smiled at her. She noticed that he never faulted in his gaze. If she had been brave enough she too might have stared. However she didn't. Instead she knew she needed to start changing what they had become. Changing what they now were to each other.
"Thank you." Was how she simply started off. "I mean not just for tonight but you know at the hospital, and in Headley and all that."
He shook his head.
"That's alright Molly the last thing you needed to say to me is 'thank you'."
"Yeah well I did any way." She said it a bit too sharply and watched him wince. "Sorry. Force of habit I guess...snapping at you."
He nodded in understanding.
"Ok. I guess I deserve it." Was his simple reply.
They stood in silence for a while both concentrating on their drinks. Uncomfortable in each other's company. Unsure.
That had never been them. From the beginning they had been right when around one another and now they weren't. She knew they were no more.
He'd never begged her to come back to him and she had never given him the chance. And so she knew that right here, right now, was the right time. Was the moment she had been dreading, but couldn't delay it anymore.
"So." She started unsure how her voice sounded so strong. "Since we're in the same room and all that I guess maybe now is the time that we talked about getting divorced?"
As soon as the words left her mouth she knew she was wrong to have spoken them.
He angrily slammed his cup on the table and moved to the door.
"Shit Molly... for fuck's sake!" His hands flew to his hair as he pulled at his curls. Then he turned his back away from her.
"What?" She asked unsure why those words had hurt him. "You knew it was coming." She retaliated to his anger. "We can't go on like this forever."
He turned around suddenly and she saw traces of what she thought might have been tears in his eyes.
"We've got to start getting on with our lives Charles." She added before he spoke.
He merely stood with his arms folded across his chest glaring at her.
"I guess that's what you were doing tonight." The words flew out of her mouth before she could stop them.
His eyes brows shot up and shook his head.
"What the fuck does that mean?" He angrily asked.
"I saw you tonight with your date that's all." Molly spat back. "So you're moving on it's about time I did."
He stood looking at it. Then sighed.
"You're right, really, you're absolutely right." He agreed. "I'll sort something out. I'll get the wheels in motion. It was my fault after all." And then he turned and walked to the front door.
She slowly walked after him, a bit lost by how quickly it had all happened, and moved to the front door getting ready to close it on his departure.
"Night Molly." He said as he left Brains' home.
"I did mean it you know. What I said. Thank you." She shouted after him into the dark night.
He stopped halfway down the garden path and then turned and looked at her. Even in the dim light she saw the hurt on his face.
"Shit I don't mean thank you about the divorce... I meant ...well I'm sorry I've given you a hard time the last couple I've seen you...and well just thanks. You were just helping me. "
He looked like he understood, but she wasn't sure. She knew where Charles was concerned she may never be sure again.
"You look better." He said. "Hope you are. You deserve to be. And you're right... about the divorce." He finished and his words just hung there.
She'd never expected it before, but here just now she had wanted it so badly. Had wanted him to say to her that he was sorry for all that he had done, and he still loved her...but he didn't. And she knew she'd probably never hear those words from him again.
Instead he just half raised his hand and started on his way again.
She watched him walk away from her, his distance from her felt physically and mentally. She knew she had lost him. That they had lost each other and she knew there was no way back.
The tears came to her eyes as she walked up the stairs. The sadness in her heart, that she had done so well to ignore was now up front and center once again. She went to bed and she knew the tears weren't tears of pity, but were tears of loss. Because it felt like she had lost him all over again. She knew how that had felt before, and she knew that was what she was feeling now.