She knew
Chapter 5
She knew it would arrive one day.
She knew that it was inevitable, but what she hadn't known was just how she'd feel when it did arrive.
How her heart twisted painfully as she looked at the official brown envelope in her pigeon hole at the Barracks. How her world for a moment stopped.
She knew once she'd asked; he'd deliver. That was him. Efficient to the end. And the evidence of that efficiency, the divorce papers, she now held in her hands proved that to her still.
He hadn't changed really. She knew that. He was still the Charles James that was dependable and up held the promises he made... well to some at least.
She looked through the official documentation. Saw how they now had been cited as separated for almost two years. So it was simple. Easy. A few signatures and a few questions to be answered and then she would be free.
They would be free from each other. Her marriage would be over. Her life as a single, Molly Dawes could begin again, and this second time around she hoped not to fuck it up quite so badly.
It was everything that she wanted. Everyone knew that. She had said it often enough to anyone that had asked. Yet she knew that she wasn't fooling anyone. She still loved him, regardless of his sins.
Her days passed as they always had. Her work at Catterick enjoyable and she did herself proud as always. She continued with the occasional session to a therapist. Just to talk when she needed to talk. Less now but still useful to her for the times she didn't feel as strong as she could. She knew they benefited her. She knew they were maybe the only positive thing she controlled in her life for now.
"Good bloody riddance." Dave toasted her weeks later one night in his local.
She had come home for the weekend for some moral support. Today was the day she had signed the final papers and now it was just a matter of time.
"You were too good for him." Her surprisingly loyal and pissed Dad announced as he accepted another pint from her round.
Molly smiled as best as she could. She knew she had to. But she also knew that her Mum who sat beside her saw it all and wasn't fooled. The Mother comforting hug she gave her and the double vodka and coke she placed in front of her said it all. All were signs of solidarity. Woman to woman. Survivor to survivor.
She joined in with the chatter. She drank the drinks to celebrate her liberation and she played her part.
Only once did she weaken. Only one did she let emotion interfere with what her head was telling her not to do.
Sighed them. She texted him. Should be with your solicitors by tomorrow.
Ok. Was all he replied via text, but this wasn't enough. She needed to provoke him.
So this time next week you'll be free.
Indeed. He quickly answered back. Maddingly short with his reply.
I'll be free! She texted. Good bloody riddance. And then she's slammed her phone down. Unsure what she had expected from him but she had hoped for something more.
But she knew she had to learn that that was never going to happen anymore. Charles James had given up fighting for her. For them, a long time ago.
But it still hurt. She knew it probably always would.
This was the bit of the job she hated. She definitely knew that.
Guard's duty on a cold snowy night. Purposely wandering around with nothing to do except look as though you had. Greeting the drunks who passed by the gatehouse waving their midnight pizzas in your face, and supplying master keys to those residents who'd locked themselves out of their rooms.
Still at least doing night guard duty she had time. Time to reflect. Time to dwell on it all and time to try to gain some perspective. Those dark longer than average solitary hours usually gave her time to sort her nut out and the pickled thoughts that sometime ran through it.
But not tonight. That metal alone time wasn't going to happen tonight.
They were on alert. Not high alert, not full camp bikini alert, but as the night guards they needed to be on their best game.
Something big and important was being moved from somewhere, and the convoy was using their camp as an overnight stop. Lots of equipment. Lots of new faces. They had been expected all day but because of the weather the motorcade had been delayed and now it wasn't due to arrive till the very early hours of that morning. Right smack bang in the middle of her shift. The very part of her shift where she should be sitting down enjoying a cup of tea and warming her feet. Enjoying a large pack a sandwiches and a cake bar she had brought with her to ward off the cold. But instead of that happening she was now the senior on the gate and everything needed to be as professional and as perfect as possible for the visiting guests.
"And I have told you, you deaf bugger it ain't happening. It's four fucking o'clock on the morning and those heavy trucks of yours ain't moving through the camp at this hour." Molly said once again more forcefully to the poor Private standing in front of her with the transfer papers.
The convoy had finally arrived, and it was huge. It was noisy and the arrogance of the visitors meant that they had expected to disturb the entire camp and park in the main car park. Slap bang next to the residential blocks.
She drew breath. That wasn't happening on her shift.
"I've told you...you can park in the guest secure car park until morning. We'll stand a guard, and then you can leave tomorrow as planned." She said firmly.
The Private started to protest but before any words had come out of his mouth the guardhouse door opened. A cold burst of the night air entered the snug room and that's what Molly blamed for her sudden shortness of breath.
The private turned and looked helplessly at his Captain who looked stern and not amused.
"What's going on?" He asked looking between them both.
He had started to when he had seen her. She had seen that but quickly he controlled his emotions. Molly noticed he looked tired. The dark rings under his eyes and a definite amount of stubble on his face added to his weary look. But still it took nothing away from Captain James and the authority he demanded by his presence.
She took a breath.
"It's too late for the main car park. I told him you can park in the guest secure car park until morning. When the camp is awake, then you can make a noise." Then added with less force. "You can't move those trucks through here at this time a night too noisy, too disruptive."
Charles nodded his head. He then turned to his Private.
"I'm sure what Sergeant James says is correct." He then turned to Molly. "Alternative place to park?"
She nodded. Amazed by how professional it all was between them.
"Yes of course." And handed the map to the Private who finally walked out confused at his Captain's step down of plans.
"Hello." Charles said now they were alone. He had chosen not to leave.
"Hello." She replied back and attempted to smile.
Praying for her shift to be over, praying for this meeting to be over and then her mouth started to run away from her.
"It's Dawes by the way now Sir. Sergeant Dawes." It came out before she could stop it.
He stood there staring at her. His hands tucked firmly in his pocket to protect from a cold night to chill. "Dawes?"
"Well yeah you know the move up here and everything!" She shrugged.
"But the divorce hasn't been finalised yet?" He asked back quietly.
"Yeah I know. You know it's only a matter of days now though and with my move here all that..." Molly tried to explain badly.
She didn't know why but she knew what she saw flash across Charles' face...hurt. She hadn't meant to hurt him by telling him about her maiden name, but she had. And even though she knew she'd messed it up, it still felt good that she did at least still have that power over him.
"Right." He said suddenly and loudly nodding his head curtly at her. "Thanks for your help. Sounds as though we are finished here." He then turned and left.
She knew she was watching her husband for now, walk away from her, for the very last time. She knew that next time she saw him the divorce would be final and she'd no longer belong to him.
She knew that this is what she said she wanted, but still she wondered because that's all she could do. Because she still didn't have it in her to forgive, never mind forget.
And so the day came a week or two later she held in her hand the expensive crisp white envelope that sealed their fate.
Her decree absolute.
It was over.
Molly and Charles were no more.
So she spent the rest of the day doing exactly what she should have done. Living that day as she intended to live the rest of her life now she was without him. The truth of her loss though not truly hitting home.
As she had read the words she knew they were just a formality. Confirming what she had known the day he had slept with Georgie. The marriage was finished. So one costly paper trail and months of forms for her to sign at that very moment made little difference to her life.
The days followed. The weeks passed and suddenly though it started to get harder. Some days she found it harder than others to act as though everything was normal. Harder to feel the change as it slowly sunk into her mind and heart, and as it did she knew little by little it hurt.
"You're going to eat all that?" He asked as she filled her basket with the comfort food she loved.
Spinning around she saw him half grinning at her.
He too had a basket full; but his booty was far more practical and healthier than hers.
"What you doing here?" She asked. The 24/7 camp store wasn't where she had expected to run into Charles again.
It had been numerous weeks since she had last seen him and hadn't expected to see him again. At least not so soon. At least not looking so happy to see her.
"On our way back from Scotland." He said. "I'm stationed her for a few nights to transfer some of the routine bits." He explained still smiling at her "Staying in the guest halls on camp till Tuesday."
She nodded and wondered how he had managed to smile at her as he did. It was hard not to see how happy he was to see her. She wondered why his heart wasn't as sad as hers at their divorce. She couldn't smile back. She couldn't hold his gaze.
"You ok?" He asked as he nodded to her basket. He knew her mood was off by the crap she had chosen.
"I'm fine." She hesitated. Wondering at the potential stupidity of his question. "Just you know.. dealing with some stuff." She added as an opener.
He didn't take it. He didn't ask what she was dealing with. Maybe he didn't care.
"Oh." Was all he said blankly.
"So you been up in Scotland all this time then?" She asked as a sudden thought hit her. Trying to find a reason how unaffected he was in seeing her.
"Yeah. Four weeks." He nodded. "Blood midges. Pleased to get back to barracks. Back home."
And that's when she knew. That was when she realised that he had as yet hadn't received his letter about the divorce. He didn't know. He hadn't had his mail forwarded on in his absence. For all he knew they were still married.
She couldn't stand there and chat. She also couldn't tell him in a small convenience shop with all to see. She couldn't do it. And so she left.
She used a pathetic excuse and walked away from him before she saw the hurt in his eyes she knew would be there once again.
It took a lot of courage, but she had to do this. This was something that would hurt but needed to be done.
She had thought about it enough to prove to herself it was a considered decision.
She grabbed a reasonable bottle of red from her wine rack and set off to find him. And now standing hesitantly that evening in front of his door, waiting for him to answer was one of the most terrifying things she had ever done. But she knew she had to do it. She knew she had to tell him.
She lay there comfortable. Happy and totally unsure what to do now. She wasn't alone in the bed.
The bottle of wine she had shared with him and was drank far too quickly was followed by another, and her head still swam a little from it all.
Her naked body now though was pressed closely up to his, and he held onto to her just as he always had. She was comfortable in Charles' arms once again.
She knew for now it felt right. She knew for now she wouldn't change a thing, but she knew that these feelings were just for now.
He had opened the door to his room all those hours ago frustrated and annoyed. She knew she'd interrupted him, but immediately he relaxed when he saw her. The smile he gave her telling her all of his happiness she was there.
She had waved the bottle in front of him as way of explanation. She felt empowered. He nodded but said little, and that helped. Instead he stepped aside and invited her in with a dip of his head. He'd been as nervous as her when he invited her in. She knew that.
But in she went. Into this basic guest bedroom. Spare, traditional and just big enough to accommodate a table and a chair next to a double bed.
It didn't bother her. These rooms were standard Army and without thinking she moved into the room and sat down on his bed. Her only real option.
He turned away from her and without saying a word took the wine from her hands and poured them both two mugs full of their favourite red. She knew he notice but didn't comment on her choice of this special wine. Instead he just smiled at her as he passed the cup over to her, and she knew he'd noticed.
"So What are we celebrating?" He confidently asked and she knew he still didn't have a clue.
With a small degree of guilt she broke the news to him. She did it as kindly as she could.
Told him that they were finally divorced. That the papers would be waiting for him at home on his return.
She watched him closely. She saw how he grabbed hold of the chair to steady himself. She saw his pain, and she knew in a small dark place in her heart to a degree she enjoyed it. That she had hurt him just as he had hurt her.
Still she didn't push the point. She didn't continue. She could never be that cruel.
She explained that she was there to toast what they once had, and the future that they both deserved. She hoped that on some level they would be, if not friends, but happy, at least pleasant acquaintances. She offered the wine and her company to him as a token of this. And she saw he accepted it for what it was. It wasn't enough but it was all she could offer. She knew he knew that.
He'd accepted it as their new future and so they talked.
They talked about a lot and they talked about a little.
They touched on important things and the not so important. It didn't matter. She knew that. What did matter was that they talked. Finally.
They talked and they talked and soon the second bottle he possessed was opened and they talked some more.
At one stage though she knew that they had stopped talking. At one point she knew that they had turned from acquaintances to something more.
She knew that because here she now was naked, and in his arms once again. The morning had come and she was sexually satiated by the only man who could do that to her. Her ex-husband who now lay next to her in the lumpy Army bed.
They had been drawn to one another. The alcohol saw to that. It wasn't the cause it only gave them the courage to move closer. There was still that something between them. At first they had connected in sadness, then in regret, and then in a way that neither could explain but both felt it to be right.
She hadn't been drunk. Nor had he. Just brave. She hadn't been swept along by sentimentality. Just, she had to admit, by the lust she still felt for him. She had been alone for too long. She had wanted this just as much as she knew he had wanted it too. It was to be something final. It was to be a fitting goodbye.
And so they had sex.
Molly and Charles had sex.
Wild toe curling, just as good as it always had been, sex. Not once during it all did she think about her... Georgie. Not once during it all did she think about what he had done. It was too good for that. Too perfect to allow her mind to drift to the dark days.
The sex had been all consuming both the first and second time that they had done it. And she knew that no matter what happened to them, whatever life brought her, it always would be this way.
"I'm sorry." Were his first words she heard as she realised he knew she was now awake.
She stiffened. She had no regrets and to hear him say that he had hurt.
"No!" He said quickly realising his mistake. "Not about tonight. Never." He kissed her head as she still lay naked sprawled across his chest. She relaxed into him. "I'm sorry for everything that I did to fuck us up. I'm sorry."
She had heard him say it once or twice before she had ripped his clothes off that night, and she believed him them just as she believed him now. But she knew that even though she believed it, it still wasn't enough. It wasn't enough then, and it wouldn't be enough for forever.
Still she said nothing. She knew she didn't have to. She knew also her forgiveness didn't truly matter anymore. It was now too late. They were divorced. Tonight's carnal quenching was just a due process they needed to go through.
She didn't regret it. She never would. It was the closure she felt they needed. Besides she wasn't naive enough to think that turning up at your ex-husband's door, emotional and with a bottle of your favourite red that it would not have happened.
She had been the one to make the first move. The first one to lean forward to kiss him, and once that first touch had happened there was no stopping the inevitable. Molly and Charles came together.
She knew though that once the morning came and they did their goodbyes once again that this time it had to be forever. They couldn't go back. They didn't have that Tardis she once had joked about needing. Life had moved them on and dealt them both a shit hand. They had to now deal with it, and deal with it separately. She knew that for certain.