She Knew

Chapter 6

She knew this was just what she needed.

She knew this was what her life had been missing for the past several years.

She knew that she was doing the right thing at the right time for her.

It was a plain and simple housewarming party, but it meant so much more than that to Molly.

She had moved out of the barracks at Catterick and taking the plunge, pretending to be grown up once again, she bought herself a small flat.

It wasn't extravagant. It wasn't big, but finally it was somewhere she could call Home. Somewhere where she could really start again.

And so not only had she taken the plunge about firm secure plans for her future, she had also started to encourage more friendships. She knew she had to do, that it was time to stop shutting herself away from it all, but she was surprised at how much fun it turned out to be.

She didn't have hundreds of friends. That was maybe the old Molly. She was still the type of person that made them easily, but now she concentrated on the genuine ones, and the ones she wanted to keep in her life.

So this house warming party was a big deal to her. Huge. There was only about 10 or 20 people there but it was enough. Her flat was full. Her flat felt happy. She felt as though her life was moving forward once more.

He moved across the room and she beamed a smile at him. He always brought that response to her emotions. She knew though that he'd be very anxious and nervous. That he was coming into her new friendship group. That he was the outsider, and that was daunting for anyone. Still she knew that he had very much known that; but still he made the effort for her.

She walked up to him and hugged him tightly. Looking at him as she began pulling back.

"I am so pleased you came." She said with happiness.

He nodded his head slowly and a small smile crept across his face. He took in all the activity around the room, the comfortableness of the company and he was glad that she was happy and finally had something in her life.

"Pleased I came as well Mols." He said and he meant it.

He never disappointed her. Whatever the occasion whatever the event, Brains was always there showing her just how much he cared and how special she was to him.

She knew this was a difficult time for him. Being there was hard. His heart had lately been broken by Julia, whom he discovered had been texting an old boyfriend behind his back. His heartbreak made it difficult for him to be fun around at the moment, and initially he had refused her invite. However he knew how important it was to her and so he put his own feelings aside and made the easy train journey up to see her.

"How do you do it?" He had asked later that night. He had attempted to mingle. Attempted to join in but in truth he had spent a lot of the night drinking silently on his own. Now he was a rambling drunk and morose.

"Do what?" She asked clearing away some plates.

"Get over the betrayal." Brains simply asked. "Because I don't think I ever will."

She sighed and she knew she had to be careful with her advice. Time had given her the luxury of perspective.

Plus she now had a secret that made it easier, and it was a secret she didn't want to share.

She knew finally now life was good because of that very secret and if it was ever found out it would no longer be good.

"I don't think you do." She said as she took a drink of wine as they stood alone in her very small kitchen. "I think you just get used to the fact that you were betrayed."

Brains looked at her.

"I don't think I will. I don't think I can."

She leaned forward and pulled him in for a cuddle. She could see he was heartbroken.

"The thing is mate what you have to do is talk. You have to keep on talking if it's something that you want to keep. Trust me I know... when you stop talking you don't get it back."

He never replied. Instead he just stood there unsteady on his feet drinking more.

"Come on out with it." She challenged him. "We've been friends for too long for me not to know there's something you want to say to me."

Brains looked shy as he dipped his head and paid particular attention to a spot of broken lino on the kitchen floor.

"How come you and I? Well you know we never got together; we never tried?" Brains asked.

She knew something like this had been coming. She knew he was drunk and was grasping for something anything that would potentially make him happy.

"We could have been like fucking dynamite Mols." Brains finished strongly but still he didn't move from his spot. "You know I think the world of ya!"

She knew she'd have to be cautious. That she'd have to be careful, but honest with her reply. He was already hurting.

"I don't love you and you don't love me... you still love Julia. That's why." She answered simply.

"I could love you though Mols. You know that. You're so easy to love. " He said with determination. As though he was trying to sell her the idea his drunken mind was formulating. "I wouldn't hurt you."

"I know and I think you'd be very easy to love too." Molly replied.

Brains saw this as a sign of hope and suddenly with seriousness as he moved closer to her. She knew she was on dangerous territory

"But you're wrong." She said loudly and held her hand up to stop him moving too close. "You're wrong. Because if I was so easy to love I wouldn't be standing here single, divorce all before the age of 30 would I?"

Something in Brains snapped him back to the reality of who they were. He understood her pain and he understood his pain.

"Mols. It wasn't your fault. You know that?"

She knew at his tone and words that they had switch back into the friends zone now.

He continued though.

"Do you regret it. Putting yourself out there... you know in a position to get hurt?"

"No." She honestly answered. She knew she should, but she knew she never would. "Because what I had with Charles was special. I had something with him that I never thought I'd have. And 'cause of that I know that maybe one day I'll have that again, but this time I'll be stronger."

He smiled at her.

"I guess you're right. And you know." He pulled her in for a crashing hug." You're still me best mate."

"Mates." She replied back at him. "Always and forever." And just like that they were once again.

The sunlight hurt her eyes, so she snapped them closed straight away.

"Morning." He said to her as he reached over the bed and kissed her head.

She sharply turned it away. Fearful of the morning breath situation and also the intimacy of the first morning kiss he always tried to give her.

He noticed how she turned from him. He always did. But he said nothing. He never did these days. Instead he padded across the bedroom in his naked state to jump into the shower and start the day.

As soon as he was out of her bedroom she cursed to herself. Wondering how she managed to get herself into these situations so often, so very frequently. Yet although she was suffering the guilt of the morning after she knew she couldn't deny the fact that she had enjoyed the night before.

It had been just over ten months since her divorce. Just over ten months since she had told Charles that they were now free, single separated, and that her life was to start again.

It was also just over ten months since she'd been sleeping with Charles again on a regular basis.

That first time she went to his room wasn't the one off that she thought it would be. That it should have been. The simple facts of the matter was that despite the words. The legality of their separation, they both found it almost too hard to stay away from each other, and so they didn't. The kept on, and this was her secret. This was what was making her life good once again.

It had started off innocently with the odd text. Her to him. She hadn't been able to get that night they spent out of her mind. Charles though very quickly responded and the text tennis continued. It continued for a few days, then progress very quickly to an invite, from him to her, to visit his home to apparently sort out some of her stuff that she had left behind when she moved out.

She had gone knowing the excuse was flimsy. Yet still she went, and she wen happy. She knew what potentially might happen, even hoped would happen, and that didn't stop her. She felt almost excited as she boarded the train south.

And then it happened just as has happened before. A little bit of alcohol, and lots of lots and a lots of sexual magnetism. It was unmistakable and she knew it was pointless to resist. And so very soon upon her entering his home they were in each other's arms and in his bed once more.

They had spent that first weekend in each other's arms just having repeated sex.

Sex... cause that all it could be. She knew that

She never called it making love; she knew that was not what it was. She knew instead that both of them were desperate, lonely and were needing some physical connection.

She knew that they were both too scared, to jaded to go out there and try again. And so she knew that this was the easiest solution for them both. Comfort in the know. Safety in the familiar.

It was sex. With Charles. It was a regular and good. It started off once or twice a month but recently it had started to be every single weekend.

She found that despite it all despite the talks she gave herself every Sunday night once they had separated she was powerless to stop it. Each weekend would see either him or her jumping on the train for a visit.

It wasn't dating. It was never going to be a relationship. She knew that. She knew it couldn't be. She couldn't let it become that. However that never stopped him from trying. Each and every time.

Charles tried to move it away from just sex. He suggested that they do something more. A meal out, a movie, a day trip away. But Molly each and every time disappointment him and said no. And so it continued for what it was. Sex. Quite literally as soon as one of the other turned up very little was said. A little bit of small talk, but that was all. Instead they took very little time on pleasantries and very quickly they ended up in bed.

He had tried to talk; she didn't want that, and so she shut him down the many times he tried. She made it very clear from the beginning she was there for the sex. She knew she had to spell it out often to him. There was no us. There is no them. There was no future. She couldn't forgive him. She wasn't willing to forgive him, but that didn't mean to say she wasn't willing to use him to satisfy something in her that was so basic and something that only he seemed to be able to quench.

Still Charles kept on trying. Each morning after the night before he tried to treat it as though it was more than just carnal desire. He tried to entice her into normality. But each and every time he offered she said no. This was all she could give him She knew she couldn't give him her time. She couldn't give him her forgiveness. All she could give him was her body only because that was all she wanted to give and wanted from him.

Yet she knew was hurting him and she knew that's not what she really wanted. She knew too though that what they were doing was potentially stopping them both from moving on in their own worlds. Yet for some reason she couldn't stop.

And so for the past ten months every Sunday morning she had woken up naked, either in her bed or in his, happy sticky and very content.

As she lay there in his bed, in his new house she heard him in the shower... singing. He was happy. He'd recently moved into his own place and she wondered whether or not the driving force for him to do so was so they could have privacy, a life together. She knew though that she'd never want to know the answer to that. Just like she never asked the question as to who the lady was that night at Brains' local. She simply didn't need to know.

Yet he told her things he felt she needed to know. He told her he hadn't dated anyone since they ended. He couldn't. She had been a mate's friend that was all. Someone who had just been promoted. He told her there was not now or ever would be anyone but her. He told that he still loved her and that it was always her and always will be. But it meant nothing to Molly. She knew it couldn't. She knew she had to be tough. She knew that this, whatever this was between them, was temporary.

It was something. Something that she needed for now and it was something that wouldn't last for ever.

In the beginning she felt a small degree of shame and guilt for the weekend hook ups, but soon it became normal to her. She found she thought very little about him in the beginning without guilt, without shame. She even found that as the months went by though she felt she could also think about him without there being anger or sadness attached.

She knew that she had accepted him in her life for what he was... an occasional fuck. And she knew, she was certain about that, she didn't want to make it anything else.

This was her secret and she never shared. Molly like Charles was a private person and guessed that was the reason why she never shared . Not even with Brains.

For months her family, her mates asked how her life was going and not once did she share the secret of her and Charles. She didn't see why she should. If it stayed a secret it was meaningless, and if it was meaningless then it wouldn't hurt her.

She knew she couldn't be hurt like she was hurt before.

She heard the shower stop and knew she had a few more minutes alone. She knew his routine. They had somehow slipped back in to a domesticate pattern. First he'd shower, then he'd softly moved downstairs and make her breakfast. Bringing her a cup of tea up while she slowly woke up.

She knew she needed to move. She knew she didn't want what was coming. She knew slowly and defiantly things were moving out of her control. Things were changing.

He no longer was on auto pilot with her. She now saw more softness and tenderness in his eyes each and every time that he looked at her. The sex to him was becoming more and more personal. She knew that in every caress, in every kiss he gave her. It was different. He was becoming involved. With her. Once again. She knew Charles was now wanting more. More than she knew she would want to give and she didn't like that.

And so she jumped out of bed and moved to the shower. Wanting to be ready when he returned. Not wanting to be vulnerable with him more than she already had been. As she avoided him he came and went and still brought her cup of tea up for her. She found it waiting for her as she returned back to the bedroom. Considerately waiting for her on the bedside cabinet.

Eventually she left the safety of the empty room and moved down the stairs. He acknowledged her as she entered his kitchen but he said no more. She helped herself to the toast and scrambled eggs he prepared and tucked into them giving him a sharp smile.

She knew that it never used to feel this awkward the morning after. Another

thing that was changing.

"Molly." He started

Her head snapped up and she shook it fiercely. She didn't want this to happen.

"Molly we have to talk about this." He said slowly.

"No we don't. We don't... end of discussion." She bit back.

"That's not fair. This...what is happening between us... we need to talk about it." He reasoned.

"No!" She stood up quickly and tipped over the chair as she did. "We don't need to talk about this. You don't get the right to ask to talk about stuff anymore with me." And then she turned and walked out of the room.

She hurried to the bedroom and started packing and he followed her.

He blocked the entrance to the doorway.

She noticed he wasn't threatening in his stance, but she knew that he was not wanting her to leave at that moment in time.

"Ten months Molly. Ten months we've been sleeping with one another. It's got to mean something." He said softly but he said with such determination.

"It means nothing Charles. It means that I want sex and you are the person who is there to give it to me. That is all means." She spat back.

She knew her words were painful for him. Painful to hear, but she also knew she was enjoying this. This is the first time in ten months they had talked long enough to argue. That this was the first time she felt as though she could inflict the pain back to him on the same level as he had inflicted on her.

He stepped aside and allowed her to storm passed him down the stairs. Her packed bag in her hand.

She almost made it to the door before he spoke again.

"So this is all it is Molly? Sex. Nothing else?"

She turned round and looked at him chewing her lip and she wanted to say something but he continued.

"I still love you Molly." He said with utter desperation. "You know that. You know that I am sorry. You know that I can't take back what I did to you, and I am so sorry for that. You also know I would never do that again."

"Don't you see Charles? The words you can say them again and again and again. But to be honest I just don't know what to do with them. I don't know what you want me to do with them. I just can't feel anything but anger about the whole situation Charles. No matter what you say, how many times you say it. I still can't seem to work out how to get passed it."

And right then he asked her the million dollar question. A question that had burned between them for many months, but had never been directly asked.

"Are you going to be able to forgive me?" He asked. Startling her.

She knew she couldn't lie. Even though a lie might have taken the whole situation away. So she instead chose to stay quiet.

"I miss you Molly." He continued standing open and honest in front of her. "I miss us. So much. It hurts." He sobbed.

She stood her ground. Shaking her head.

"You don't get to miss me. You don't get to say that anymore. You have no right." And she slammed her hands into her side and turned towards the door.

"So that's it you're walking out and leaving?" He snorted, the derision in his voice obvious. "Are you leaving me again?"

That she knew made her see red. She turned round and barrelled into his chest. Slamming her fists on his body as she shouted.

"Don't you fucking dare blame this on me Charles James." The tears started to flow down her face. "You were the one who left me. You were the one who went off with somebody else. You were the one who went off with my mate. Your best mate's girl. You're the one who did this to us and not me." Each accusation she punctuated with a thump of her fists on his chest wall.

The words flooded out of her as she hit him again and again. He did nothing to stop her. He took her beating and anger. Happy it was finally happening. This was the first time she had ever shown her total raw anger towards him, towards their situation. And so he let her do it. He let her beat his chest as she let out all her frustrations and fury.

It took several minutes of rage and then all she had left in her to do was to sink her head into his chest and cry. He stood there still and moved his arms around. Holding her, resting his chin on her head and he let her cry.

She never made it home that night as planned. She knew she should have and she knew the sickie she was pulling on the Monday morning wasn't going to look good on her record, but she couldn't help herself. This was the first time that she had opened up to anyone outside of a counselling session about what she felt. This is the first time that she admitted out loud to the pain and anger she felt over losing him. Over losing Elvis. And even losing Georgie as a friend.

This was the first time she knew they were being totally honest and upfront with one another in so many years. This has been a long time in coming she knew that and she now knew that a she couldn't hide away from the conversations they were to have.

They more than talked this time.

They confessed.

She confessed as much as he did.

She now knew that both had done things to get them to the point of no return in their marriage.

She wasn't entirely blameless. But he still carried the main blame for what went wrong.

His confusion. His inability to see what was happening before it was far too late and his guilt around the mess he had made was up front and centre as they talked. He admitted that now, coming out the other side of his darkness he didn't feel worthy of her. Not worthy of them, not then and defiantly not now. That was why he had taken anything she had given him. This arrangement he had swallowed his pride and just accepted. She'd known that on some level but had never wanted to admit it. That he was taking this messed up arrangement they had because he knew that some of her was better than none of her.

He confessed how it broke his heart that they were now so cold with each other. So impersonal aside from the sex. That wasn't him. When he loved he loved hard and deep. She knew that and had wondered why he had let this go on for so long.

So she listened. She knew she had to talked too, yet by the end of several emotional hours still nothing had been resolved.

She was honest enough to tell him that. She was honest enough to not give him false hope. She knew though that possibly that the forgiveness he was looking for potentially wasn't in her to give anymore.

Still she allowed him that night to slowly to lead her into his bedroom. He undressed her and caressed her. He treated her as a rediscovered treasure. He gave all he could to her and she took it. It was slow. It was intense. It was personable and it was a connection that they hadn't achieved in a sexual way for such a long time.

As he held her in his arms, as she slowly and blissfully came down from the sweet beautiful high he had just given her body, she knew.

She knew that this time they hadn't had sex. That this time it hadn't been about a desire to fulfil.

This time she knew her ex-husband and her had truly made beautiful love. It was the most natural thing her mind and body had wanted from him and he was willing to give.

They had made love after almost three years of not. It was enlightening and emotional. They both felt it. She knew that. And as he clung to her and reviled in the happiness he felt she also knew that it was now time.

She knew it was now time to stop this, whatever this was. She knew they had to say good bye for once and for all.

She knew that as soon as morning came she would leave Charles for the second time in her life, but this time there would be no going back to him.

This time she knew once she said good bye it would be goodbye forever.