She knew
Chapter 7
She knew.
There was no mistaking the signs. She knew that now and for days she had tried to ignore it.
Now she knew she couldn't.
She had left him the very next morning. She had told him that this really was the end. That this wasn't who she wanted to be anymore. That he wasn't what she wanted.
She knew she had to say those words, but she knew she didn't believe them. Nor did he.
Still a lie was easier for all. It hurt now but it wouldn't hurt forever. Or so she hoped.
She had cried all the way home. Tried to explain to herself the tears were through anger. That it was the sex she was going to miss. Not Charles. Not him. That she was doing this for her, to protect herself. That was why she was crying. Pure frustration, irritation and loss... because she knew she had quite like the game they had played. And now it had ended.
It wasn't though until days after when she still found herself crying at the oddest moments that she admitted to herself that maybe it wasn't only anger. It was something more. Maybe it was everything.
It was the little things that set her off she noticed, which had made her feel confusingly sad.
The numerous fancy sets of underwear she had started to invest in over the past ten months now just sat in her draw. She had told herself at the time that she was buying them for her. To make her feel good. And if she was honest she knew she was to an extent, but she also knew ultimately she was buying them for him. She was buying them to see the appreciative look that passed across his face when he saw her in them. It was that delight that had led her on to buy more and more.
Other things made her think of him and wallow in the loss of him. The trimmed and cared for areas on her body that over the past ten months had seen more attention and care than ever before. She knew Charles had no preference, trimmed or wild, but she knew he appreciated her efforts when things were smooth and generally more pleasant. And so, she made an effort, secretly admitting to herself that she knew how to please her man still.
And then the weekend came. It was first time in over ten months she wasn't going to get to see him. The first weekend without any true plans that didn't involve him. She knew it felt odd. Lonely. Not right.
As she lay in bed alone that night, surprisingly empty she knew it wasn't the sex she was missing. She knew it was him.
And as the days went on and became weeks there were other signs. Signs that she couldn't ignore anymore.
The itchy and tender boobs she had started to develop. The tiredness and general feeling of oddness she had about her. The fog in her head that was more than just about pining for him.
Then the biggest sign of all. The late period, and the two blue lines on the plastic wand.
She knew she was never late. It was her thing. Some girls had perfect teeth. Some girls had long legs. Molly Dawes had bang on the day periods.
Except now she didn't.
Their last time together. The time they had truly made love. That was when it had happened. That was the time she had to bite her lip to stop herself from telling him that she loved him too. That she had to control herself as the tenderest of moments threatened to weaken her to confess. That last time when it had been so perfect, and when they for once hadn't been as careful as they should have been.
They had always been careful. They had always used a condom, but just that once they hadn't.
She knew why. She knew that for them both they just wanted to feel each other that one last time and so they threw caution to the wind. They took a risk and now the consequences of that risk were here.
She was pregnant.
Molly Dawes was pregnant with Charles James' baby.
She knew that this wasn't how she had imagined it to be or had how it should have happened. But it had. She may be divorced, angry and no longer communicating with him. But this was how it was happening.
She knew from the very beginning though two things very definitely.
She knew she wanted this baby. From the moment she saw the pregnancy test show positive. She knew she had wanted the child.
And the second thing she very definitely knew was that she needed to tell him.
So the day finally came. It wasn't anywhere she had been before. And that to her was perfect. She hoped he hadn't been there either.
Before that telephone call asking him to meet up with her she had shared her news with no one. She knew he deserved to be the first to know. And so, they had arranged to meet somewhere close to her home. He'd been only too willing to travel to see her. Drop everything once again as soon as she said that they needed to talk. She heard his hope in his replies.
She watched him walk through the doors and scan the room looking for her. As soon as her eyes met his she knew.
She knew she couldn't keep hurting this man. She knew that she currently was and she knew he'd probably come to their meet up with hope, expectations and a bucket full of contrition towards her.
She needed to stop. She needed to be honest with herself as well as with him. Things had changed. She needed to be just that bit braver than she was.
"Hey." She smiled as he leaned over to kiss her as she greeted him.
"You look lovely." He smiled. He was happy.
She took his compliment; she knew she did. She had taken extra attention to herself getting ready today. She didn't kid herself that she was doing it for her though. She didn't pretend that she was an independent brave lady who didn't need the positive reinforcement from the opposite sex to be strong. Whereas she knew that to be true she also knew that what Charles thought of her still surprisingly mattered to her. That he still was the one whose opinion she cared for the most.
In the past that may have made her angry. But not anymore. Ten months of being absolutely adored by a man she was barely pleasant to had showed her that maybe he was, despite his sins, more than she deserved.
But still she was unsure, and she knew she couldn't give him any false hope. She had to be one hundred percent certain. Totally confident in her choice, though she knew he'd accept whatever she gave him. That he just wanted her in his life no matter what.
"I was pleased you called." He said shakily taking his seat opposite her. She knew he saw her invite with more than she had intended to give at this time.
She smiled and nodded her head; her mouth was too dry to speak.
She waited until he had ordered a glass of wine and took a sip before she began.
"I'm pregnant." She rushed out. There was no preamble, not polite chat. They didn't need that.
He stared at her. Wine glass halfway down to the tabletop.
She saw the initial shock was replaced very quickly by a smile that started in his heart and moved to his face.
"What?" He said blinking away the question.
"Pregnant Charles. It's yours, of course, just in case you're wondering. And I'm keeping it." She smiled at him with almost pity. Wondering how he felt about it all.
"Pregnant?" He chuckled. "Wow! And of course, it's mine." She almost saw his chest puff out at his own words. He was proud.
She giggled.
"You Ok?" He asked as his hand reached across the table and held hers. The smile was unmistakable now. "About it all?"
"Very." She nodded. Smiling.
She knew he would be happy with the news.
She knew telling him was the easy bit. It was the rest of the details that they needed to sort out. They were the hard points to face.
"So, when? How long? I mean... wow... you're really happy?." He puzzled.
"Yeah. I am." She squeezed his hand in response. "Really happy. Not what I had planned, but happy." Then she leaned back. "Guess it was that one last time." She studied him.
He too sat back in his chair and their hands separated.
"Guess it was." He agreed, nodding. "So, what now?" He asked.
"I don't know." She admitted. "First step was telling you."
"Who else knows." He asked. "Your Mum? Bella?"
"No." She dipped her head and played with her glass of juice in front of her. "I've told no one."
"No one?" He questioned. "Oh. I see. I mean that is really... wow...no one?"
"No." She lifted her head and stared at him. Quietly she said. "Thought with you being the father and that you had the right to know first."
He nodded a thank you to her.
"So? Now you know. What do you think? You happy?" Molly quietly asked. So far she had only presumed he was.
"Yeah. Again, not how I expected this to be. You know…. you and I…. but God yes Molly I'm happy."
They smiled at each other. And suddenly he added.
"I guess we've a lot to talk about?"
She stood up and held out her hand.
Somethings she knew were pointless fighting in this life and this was one of them. The attraction between them. The bond they still had. She knew that this was one of those things.
"Yeah we have. Come on, not here though." She offered. "Shall we go back to mine? To talk."
He stood instantly and took her hand. He knew it may have been part of her but to him it was an olive branch that he was grabbing onto. It was him taking the first step into their unknown future this baby had suddenly given them together.
"Sit." He commanded her as they entered her hallway.
She knew she could do nothing but sit once he'd commanded her in that voice. She knew she could do nothing but obey and she knew that she quite liked it. It felt good to have somebody who was looking after her once again.
It was several weeks later and Charles had returned back up to Catterick to see her, to be there for the first doctor's appointment to confirm the pregnancy.
The first time they had met when she had told him, his visit had been cut short by an emergency at home with Sam, and promises were made that he would return. Promising that he'd be there for each and every hospital appointment that she had.
And so today he had not disappointed.
She flopped down onto the small couch and picked up the numerous booklets she had been given whilst at the GP surgery. She looked at the appointment card to see the midwife's one on there too and smiled. This was really happening. She was really having a baby. She was really having Charles' baby.
He came back in with a cup of tea for her and a big smile on his face.
He looked down and caught the smile she couldn't help that was on her face.
"So?" He said sitting down next to her very closely. The couch really too small for them to be anything but close. "Quite a momentous day." He added.
She giggled at the understatement. And almost sank into his shoulder as the weight next to her dipped the cushions. It felt right being close to him again.
She took a sip of her tea and watched as he drank his coffee. She knew he was about to say something.
"You're going to be a great mum." He said looking at her putting his coffee cup on the table. "You know that don't you Molly?"
She grinned a watery grin at his comment but didn't reply. She was too choked up with emotions.
This was happening to her each and every day. Some days she was full of beans, and energy, and others she was exhausted. One day she felt she could take on the world. The next she cried at the drop of a hat.
But no matter what the day and its emotions brought in the past week or so since she had told Charles he had been there, either by telephone or by text.
"We still have quite a lot to discuss." He hesitated as he spoke. His last visit up had not resolved very much.
All they had known was that they both wanted this baby and they're both were going to try to be the best parents they could be.
"I know." She said simply and held onto his hand. "You do know that I'm not forcing you to be involved Charles, that I can do this. I can do it on my own." She drew a breath. "Course if you want to be there, if you want to be involved, then of course that's great, but if you don't... don't feel like you have to."
He grabbed onto her hand and squeezed it hard.
"Molly don't... don't complete that sentence... don't finish what you were going to say, don't even think that ever again." He said sharply but she knew him and he meant it kindly. "I mean it Molly. I'm all in. This baby. It's mine. It's yours. It's ours. And it means the world to me."
"Thank you." Was all she said and this time as she sat back she rested her head on his shoulder.
It was funny she knew him being back there in her flat again. Being back there but it wasn't just sex this time around. He'd come the night before to make it easier for the early morning GP appointment that they had. He had slept in the bed next to her but there had been no sex, just companionable closeness. He cuddled her and they talked about each other's days and weeks since they had last seen one another. It was so familiar, but it was so different. It was something that they had never done for such a long time.
She knew there was a long way to go, but she knew that this new side of their friendship wasn't scaring her. Somehow, someway Charles James was fitting back into her life. The disappointment, the hurt, the anger, and the myriad of emotions that she had felt over his betrayal and their separation seem to have just disappeared. They seemed pointless to continue with. This baby was bonding them, and if they wanted to give this baby the best then they needed to try to be their best. She knew therefore that for her that meant forgiveness.
"So, have you thought what you're going to do?" He asked after a few minutes of silence. He was reluctant to talk; enjoying the sensation of her resting her head on his shoulders. It was the most intimate they had been outside the carnal actions of the past few months.
"I don't know. I guess we've got a lot to talk about. But I guess I'll manage up here and of course you can come up and see the baby whenever you want."
He simply nodded.
"Yeah I guess I could. But you do know it's going to be bloody hard Molly."
"Yeah I know that Charles, but there will be childcare, the nurseries, nannies."
"But." He began.
"Please." She said softly. "Can we not... just for now?." She turned her head up to look at him.
His eyes smiled back at her and nodded.
"We will. I promise. Just not now. Let's just enjoy today for what it is." She rested her head further onto his shoulders and drew her legs upon to the couch. She now half reclined on him.
"Ok." He said with a slight break to his voice as he noticed her arm snaking its way around his waist as she cuddled further into him. "Ok Molly." He said quieter. "Whatever you want."
She smiled onto his chest as her cheek scratch on his jumper and she smelled the wonderful smell that was Charles. She felt safe, she felt loved, and she knew when she felt the delicate kiss that he placed secretly onto her head as she half dozed, that she liked feeling like that with him once more.
She woke up what she knew was hours later. She was snuggled and cosy on the couch and somebody had thrown a blanket over her. She knew it could only be Charles. She woke up to the smell of cooking coming from the kitchen and the gentle sounds of pans and pots being banged as he was purposely moving around.
She stretched and thought back to the news that had been confirmed by the GP, and the changes that they were going to have to make. She wasn't scared. Thought she would be, but somehow it just seem right.
She stretched like a cat with contentment as she slowly woke up. And it was then that she knew.
She was happy. Happy in a perfect familiar way that she hadn't been for such a long time. Happy enough to be ready to start really moving things forward. Happy enough to share her happiness with others.
"Smells good." She said as she walked into the kitchen.
He turned from the sink and looked over his shoulder at her.
"Thought you'd be hungry." He stated. "Good sleep?"
"The best." She mumbled as she helped herself to the salad he'd chopped up and left in a bowl on the countertop.
"What we having?" She peered around his body as he looked in the oven.
"Lasagne." He smiled back.
"My favourite." She smiled too.
"I know." And the grin was hard to beat.
Shaking her head at the silliness of it all she continued.
"I've been thinking!"
"Oh Dawes. That sounds dangerous." He waved the scrubbing brush in front of her as he washed the pans he'd used.
"Ha." She playfully sticking her tongue out and felt shocked. She knew very defiantly she hadn't done something so childish, and so openly flirty for years. Still she continued. "I was thinking we should start telling people."
This time he gave her his full attention and leaned back on the kitchen worktop.
"Ok. Though maybe we should get some answers to our own questions before we start answering others." He suggested wisely.
"Yeah. You're right." She nodded, and then she began.
They spent the night in friendly discussion. Looked at their options. Trying to make plans. It ended up with little sorted, but numerous options. All of them still involved living separate lives.
Through it all he promised to be there for her though. For them. For his baby.
Bedtime soon came around and it had been planned that he'd stay for ease. He'd taken a few days off and she had happily agreed he could spend them with her.
She knew though that this time it was different. The night before he'd arrive late and there was no expectation of intimacy.
Yet tonight was different. They danced around each as they got ready, as they washed up for the night and stepped into their sleep clothes.
She knew she felt shy, and she knew he did too. He tugged at the back of his curls as he sat on the edge of her bed. It somehow, he knew, didn't feel right getting in it without her there.
"You ok?" She asked as she moved softly into her room. She saw how controlled and scared he was.
"Yeah. Fine." He replied quickly.
"Well you don't seem to be." She laughed as she slid under her duvet.
Still he didn't move. Instead he leaned over away from her and rested his hand on his legs. His head hung low
"Should I sleep on the couch?" He asked.
She knew the question was directed to her. She was the only one in the room. But it surprised her.
"Why? Think that would be a case of shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted!" She teased.
"It just seems the right thing to do." He replied. Still he didn't look at her.
"Oh." She said and tried to hide the sadness at not having him next to her. Worried as this was how it happened last time he pulled away. The sleeping apart. "I mean if you want to. Though you are about twenty feet long and my couch is tiny."
She meant it as a joke but he didn't take it that way. He took it as an offer and he stood without looking back at her.
"It's for the best I think don't you?" He said and then he was gone.
She knew that sleep wasn't going to happen. She knew that the few days she had taken off to spend time with Charles were now potentially going to be ruined. She knew though that this time she wasn't going to let this happen.
Her heart had started to slowly open up again to the possibility of them being a 'them' again. And so, although not fully there she wasn't going to let Charles James and the machinations of his head slam it shut before they had even tried.
She moved into the kitchen and not too quietly banged several cupboard doors. Knowing he would wake if he'd been asleep at all.
"You ok?" He asked wiping the sleep from his eyes as he walked into the room.
She stared trying to control her anger. Annoyed that maybe he had actually managed to sleep.
"No." She said huffily.
"Is it the baby?" The words were hardly out of his mouth and he was beside her. Tentatively attempting to touch her stomach but pulled away from doing so at the last moment.
She shook her head and moved away from him.
"Was thirsty that's all. And couldn't sleep."
He simply nodded and started to move back towards her sitting room.
"Why did you do it?" She asked him not knowing where that question came from. And as soon as the words came out of her mouth she knew that they could have had double meaning to them both. So, she clarified herself immediately. "I mean go and sleep in the sitting room."
He turned round and looked at her.
"I thought it was for the best." He shrugged.
"What do you mean?" She asked. "You've never slept in there before. Why now?"
He shook his shoulders.
"Well I guess we've never had a baby apart, but together, before have we?"
"I don't understand?" She said
"No. I know you don't." And he turned to move away again.
"I'm trying here Charles." She shouted out. "I'm really trying."
He didn't turn round he shook his head and she heard the huge sigh come from his body. She knew he was fighting against so many emotions even after all this time and she knew it wasn't fair for her to make it harder for him.
"I want to forgive you." She said quietly. "I want to move on..."
"Why?" He shouted back. One hand was on the door frame above him as thought he was supporting the weight of the ceiling above his head.
"Because we're having a baby together. Because no matter what happens I guess our lives will always be mixed up with each other's." She told him instantly, without thought.
His other hand joined the door frame above him and now both hands appear to be supporting the weight of the world. The weight of his world, in an attempt to stop it crashing down on him all over again.
"Is that the only reason Molly? The baby?" He so softly and with such control asked.
"Isn't it enough?" She had questioned. "To try for the baby."
He turned round and breathed out slowly, his eyes shut. She saw how pained he was by the conversation.
"I'll be here for you Molly. I will support you. I will do whatever it takes to keep you and the baby in my life. But I don't want you to be with me just because of the baby. I want you to be with me because you want me. Because you still love me."
He tipped his head up and looked at her. He saw the tears rolling down her face and he stepped forward towards her . Then his right hand slowly reached up towards her face and delicately wiped away the tears that were flowing down.
"Please Molly I don't want you to cry anymore over me. Over us. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I will be whatever you want me to be; but you have to know this kills me inside. I love you Molly and I want it all with you. And I just know that that's never going to happen. You push me away every time."
She looked at him and stepped closer to him. Using one of her hands to steady herself as she moved closer to his chest.
"I'm sorry Charles." She sobbed. "I really am trying."
"I know." He quietly agreed. Pulling her in for a hug. "Let's just take this one day at a time."
She knew she was hurting him. She knew he was longing for her to say back to him that she loved him.
She knew though that it was too soon. She knew though that one day, very soon, she probably would say these words to him again.
She now truly just knew.