She Knew
Chapter 8
She knew she had done stupid things before.
She knew that there were many things in her life that she regretted. And she now knew that this was one of them.
She also knew, in this case, she needed to do something about it.
That last week had been hard. Charles had stayed a couple of nights as they originally had planned.
It was awkward and they moved around each other with caution, treading on eggshells. She could see that he was trying. He had said nothing more and he had expressed no more of his views or feelings. He just behaved in an artificially polite way around her. Pretending all was well.
She knew though it wasn't right and found herself hoping that maybe they would see their way through all the emotional mess they now shared. But they didn't, and as this visit painfully continued it was very obvious nothing was going to be sorted between them.
The time came for him to leave and both had felt the relief. Promises were made to keep in touch but it wasn't like before. No plans. No expectations. Nothing about them, only everything now was about the baby. And now she knew it just felt all wrong.
As the weeks passed he still called, texted, checking on her on an almost daily basis. Making sure that her and the baby were okay, but that was all. He was kind, he was interested in her health, but there was no fun, there was no laughter in his voice and she knew she missed it.
She knew that a life together could be wonderful. She knew that they both would try for the baby, that he would be there for her when needed. But beyond that... she now didn't know.
Time ticked on. She had expected some grand gesture from him, she knew the signs. She knew it had been coming and when it did she reacted badly to it. And that's when she knew she'd messed it all up again.
He'd called to tell her his news. He was excited, but still held it in. Then he told her of his decision, casually dropping it into the conversation, waiting for her to give her reaction. It all sound so simple as he spoke. Explaining to her that he'd had meeting with seniors about getting a transfer. A move north up to her, possibly even at Catterick itself, so he could be closer to her and the baby.
It was a selfless gesture. A typical old school Charles James type of gesture and it horrified her. She hadn't expected him to uproot his life for her. To move so far away from Sam. To move so far away from his family and his support. It horrified her because he was doing this for her, and she knew that it was too much too soon.
She had ended that conversation abruptly and she knew, despite her efforts she'd hurt him yet again.
She hated that. Once maybe before the baby, maybe before the last ten months of sharing his bed, his caresses, his passion, she may not have cared. But she now did, and so she spent her days thinking, and for once taking some advice.
"I mean really Bells." She waxed lyrical to her sister on the telephone. "He is offering me almost everything that he needs to. He is going to be there; he's going to give us money. Shit; he is even talking about moving to be closer to me. So why can't I give him just a little back?"
"Molly he hurt you." Bella reasoned. It was a simple and true statement.
Initially Molly's family had been shocked when Molly told them she was pregnant. A deafening silence followed once they had heard who the father was.
Lots of opinions and views were given to her. Some serious and some even said calmly, but in the end they just accepted it. And now Bella had become Molly's chief confidante.
"You've a right to feel cautious." Bella continued.
Molly accepted the wisdom and started to move her thought process along, yet Bella continued.
"But you know he won't hang around for ever. I know he won't put up with your shit or your indecisions for ever."
Molly tried to defend herself, tried to explain her point. Explain that she was protecting herself, but Bella shot her down in her own style.
"Bull shit Molly. I mean obviously you still love him. Everyone can see that, but you. I mean why else are you having this baby with him? Why else have been banging him for nearly a year?" She paused for breath. "I know it's hard but you need to admit that to yourself and then maybe, just maybe, you can move on."
Molly ended the call feeling disappointment.
She knew that Bella was right, but that it was just so hard to say the words out loud, to make her heart vulnerable to him again. She knew she'd spent the last few years closed off from all, especially him. But she also knew that Bella was speaking the truth. That Charles wouldn't wait for her forever, why would he? And it was then she knew she saw it all so clearly now. She didn't want to live a life without him in it.
And so, after more than a week of deliberating she came to a decision, and the following weekend she found herself jumping into her car and driving down south to see him. Taking a few days off to surprise him and to talk.
It was a long hard drive for Molly. Driving had never been her favourite thing to do. When she was married she had always depended on Charles to be the driver, and then since the accident she found herself even more hesitant to drive than before. Yet still she knew it was a journey that she had to make, and it was a journey which gave her plenty time to think.
To plan. To realise just what she wanted and what she needed, and the answers to all those questions always led her back to Charles.
With a confidence and excitement, she hadn't felt for a long time she knocked on the door.
He opened it, she watched as the complete and utter surprise on his face turned into concern. She knew within those first few seconds that she had made a mistake.
The sound of a woman's voice floated down the corridor and a lady's coat was flung over the stair's handrail.
She knew in that moment that she had made the mistake in not acting on her feelings sooner. And she definitely had made the mistake of turning up just expecting him to be free.
He looked smart. He looked good and he tried his best, but she knew when the door opened and he didn't rush to welcome her in...that's when she knew.
Instead Charles stood on his doorstep mute.
"Missed me?" She tired with bravado but didn't pull it off.
This time there was no cute heart warming grin, or nod of his head to invite her in. Instead he shook his head, and Molly knew it wasn't a shake of happy disbelief her being there, but a shake that was only negative in its motion.
"Are you okay?" He managed to ask quietly stepping out of his front door onto the doorstep and effectively closing the door and company behind him.
Molly stepped back as he stepped out. One step closer to her car. One step closer to leaving.
"Yes of course I just thought...well you know we needed to talk."
He nodded his head. Frantically looking around for some guidance.
"Yeah ,yeah I guess we do... thing is..." And he looked back to the half closed door
"Oh shit. Sorry." She took pity on him. "You've got somebody in there."
He nodded his head and looked down at his feet and quietly he said.
"Yes, I have Molly. You should've called."
He had just confirmed her worst fear. She wanted the world to swallow her up. She felt sick to her stomach. She couldn't work out how she had got this all so wrong. But she knew she had.
"Oh my God I am so sorry... I really am shit." And with that she backed away and moved to the car.
He took one or two steps after her. He gently touched her arm.
"Molly...we do really need to talk." He said as he followed her to the car. "I mean it's just..."
"Yeah, I know I should've called. You said...don't worry." She rushed out as she climbed into the car.
"Where will you go?" He asked. "I mean if you give me an hour so you could come back here."
"God no!" She spat out, finding it difficult to hold the tears in. "Don't do that. I mean no no no. I thought! Right I'll probably just... I don't know get a hotel or drive back home... and I don't know." She rambled on as she started the car
And then she slammed the car door and drove off.
She didn't drive far. She knew she couldn't. The tears were blurring her vision.
She stopped the car and cried. Wept over wondering how she could have been so stupid. She knew she'd never given him any encouragement. She had always held him at arms length. She had always insisted they were nothing. She had no feelings for him. It was just sex. She knew though as the hot tears ran down her face she had been lying not just to him, but to herself as well.
Still it hurt. She had said all those things but meant none of them. She had always presumed he knew that. That he wanted her as much as she secretly wanted him.
Bella's warning rang in her head. He was a good looking man, and she was playing with him. She was toying with his emotions in some childish game of one upmanship, and she knew she had just lost.
She was too tired and upset to drive home, so she turned her car around.
She knocked on the front door and this time the door opened with a much happier response.
"Room for little one?" She asked and once he'd got over the initial shock he rushed forward pulling her in for a hug.
"Bloody hell Molly." He laughed. "This is a surprise of course come in." And she followed behind her best mate.
As Brains made her comfortable and listened to her tale she felt thankful for her friend, and grateful that yet again it was Brains who was there to save her.
"Just where the fuck have you been?" He yelled as soon as she had opened her front door. The sight of him there pushing past her and the anger he showed surprised her.
She had taken advantage of the long weekend leave she had, and so said goodbye to Brains the next morning and just drove. Eventually ending up at the coast and settled into a B and B for a few nights. She had told no one. Had answers none of his calls. She needed time alone.
"No one knew where you were!" He continued as he paced around her front room. "I asked Brains , your Mum, Bella. Hell, I was just about to contact camp welfare to find out what was going on. I was worried Molly." Charles shouted.
She stared at him. She knew when to be silent. He was mad. Very mad. As in 'don't you dare go up in that helicopter wince Dawes' type mad. She had only seen it once or twice with him since then, but when she did she knew she needed to keep quiet.
"Shit. Molly I didn't know where you were. You can't do that." He continued shouting, now standing in front of her commanding her attention.
"Oi." She shouted louder than him as he kept going on and on. "You don't get to barge in here and shout at me."
He stopped still and looked at her. More gently he continued. "Do you know what I imagined? Do you know what was going through my mind? I thought you'd been in an accident. Injured somewhere. Alone." He turned away from her and stood with his back still as he ran his fingers through his hair. "I was worried." His voice broke slightly as he confessed.
"Yeah. Well as you can see I'm fine." She slumped into the settee watching Charles start to come down from the angry state he had entered her flat in.
She had only been back home a few hours and her head was still full of all the things she'd thought about on her mini holiday for one.
She knew that she had ignored him over the past few days, but she knew she couldn't keep on doing that. They still needed to talk.
She had lost him once before. They had lost everything before because they didn't talk. And then along came Georgie who suddenly was someone he could talk to instead of her. It hurt her and she knew that if they ever stood a chance at being friends, for the sake of their baby, then they were going to have to start talking and keep talking. Regardless of the new woman he now had in his life.
She had never asked anything from him. Had never asked him to be faithful. So, she guessed he owed her nothing.
"Where did you go?" He asked. "Are you ok?" Eventually he turned and pulled a hard chair out and sat on it opposite her. "The other night you just up and left."
"Yeah sorry about that." She shrugged her shoulders and avoided his eyes. "Didn't mean to ruin your date or anything." She added.
"My date!" He almost yelled but then remembered and checked his voice level. "It wasn't a date Molly. It was the camp's planning officer, the Chaplin and her husband. It was a business dinner. That was all."
"Oh." She said meekly. But she knew happily.
"How many times do you have to hear me say it Molly?" He said after a long silence between them. "I love you. It's only you."
"Sorry." She attempted a smile.
"What do you want Molly?" He had now left his chair and was crouching down in front of her. "I'm trying so hard to be what you want, but I don't know if I should keep on trying. Or should I just let you go?"
"But the baby." She said as she moved her hands to her stomach. "What about the baby?"
He moved to grab her hands.
"I'll be there for the baby. For you. You know that." She nodded her head. "I told you I'm putting in for a transfer up North to help you. But when I told you you freaked out. Do you even want me in your life?"
"Yes" The words shot out automatically. Not to have him in her life had hurt once before. She knew she didn't want that again. "I'm sorry." Then when he stayed silent she knew she needed to start. Yet still she remained frightenley mute.
He waited. For minutes he waited but still she remained quiet. He stood abruptly.
"I should go." He said, she heard the sadness in his voice. "I just wanted to make sure you were ok. I'll go."
"No stay!" The words now came out. He stood waiting for more. "I like you being here." She offered by way of explanation.
"I like being here too." He attempted to smile back. "But..."
She interrupted him. She knew it was her move.
"I'm pleased she wasn't your date." She said bravely.
He smiled a tight smile at her and nodded at her words.
"I was jealous." She continued. "I was sad. Thought I'd finally pissed you off so much that you'd given up on me and found someone else." She cringed when she realised how that could be interpreted dangerously by him. It could be too an ambiguous statement considering their history. Thankfully he didn't react.
He moved to sit opposite her.
"No date." He repeated. Then grinned. "So jealous?" He asked with a touch of hope in his voice. "That's good isn't it?"
"No. Well yeah. God my brain is all over the place." She moaned.
"Think that's your hormones." He smirked.
"No, it ain't." She said definitely. "It's you." He stared at her willing her to say more. "You. This confuses me." She admitted waving a hand between them.
"Join the club." Charles laughed out. "But at least I'm honest with my feelings." He added, watching her closely.
She chewed on a fingernail as she considered him back.
"For three years I've tried." He began. "Three years I've tried to get stronger. To keep pushing through the fog that I sometimes see." He dropped his head and held it in his hands. "Some days I think I actually do an ok job at it. To keep going."
"I think you do too." She admitted and moved from the couch now kneeling in front of him. Now having the ability to look at him when he closed off. Rubbing her hand over his knees and thighs as an act of comfort. And she knew she meant it.
She knew now just how strong you had to be to return, to recover, from all that mental turmoil, and he had. She knew it had been a hard slog fighting each and every step of the way like the brave soul she knew he was.
"But not with you Molly." His words startled her. "Where I'm strong. Moving forward... with you..." He raised his head and stroked her hair. "With you I'm still weak. I'll never be strong enough when it comes to you!"
"Oh." She leaned back from her kneeling position onto her ankles. His words hurt her.
She never wanted to be the one who would hold him back. For such a long time she had thought the opposite. She had thought that because she wasn't in his life then automatically his life would get better. Now he was saying that wasn't so.
"I hurt you and I'll never, no matter what I do, will be able to take that away. So maybe I don't deserve to get better." He sighed. "Maybe to be a little bit broken is how I am always going to be, because that's all I deserve."
It shocked her. He blamed him, and she blamed him, but she also blamed herself.
She knew she blamed herself for just walking away. She knew she shouldn't have done that. She should have stayed longer and fought. Stood her ground and fought.
She knew she hadn't fought. Not once she had heard of his betrayal. She had just left, and now she knew she shouldn't have. That she had denied them both something. Because now she knew that the screaming at him, the raging at him were the only ways they both could have moved on sooner. That by making it all messy and unpleasant would have broken them completely and ended it forever.
But she hadn't. They hadn't. She had ran and they never had that moment of utter hate of each other. Of utter disgust. Of being unable to stand one single more moment in each other's company. They never really got to the desperate and bitter stage of hating each other. And she knew because of that, because even three years later they still meant something to each other. Maybe even everything. They hadn't torn apart all that they had in the aftermath, and now she knew it was too late to do so. That the time to fight him was over.
She knew now it was a time to rebuild them.
They had a baby to consider. She knew that, and she also knew that this broken man still loved her, and she wanted that. As she watched him admit that he was still broken because of her and her alone she also knew that she loved him despite it all.
"I can't just forget the past Charles." She said with honesty.
He stood to leave. Understanding it was just simply too late for everything.
"I know." He stroked a few strand of lose hair off her face. "I know." He turned to go.
"But." She stood too pulling on his arm. To turn him around.
"I don't think we should...but that doesn't mean I can't understand why."
His eyebrows drew themselves together in a question, but before he could ask she continued.
"I don't want to go there. Not again, but I do want to be braver. I do want to make something work for this little one." She laid her hands on her belly.
"For the baby." He understood. She was saying no to a them, a no to an us.
"And..." She stuttered. "For me. Cause you're my weakness too. That day in the pool I didn't care. Sink or swim. I didn't care. But then you came and brought me up to the surface, you held me, allowed me to cry and never once judged. You knew who I was. You understood about the dark places in your head and you were just there for me."
"I'll always be there for you Molly." He said with slow define words to emphasis his point. "If you'll let me."
"I'll let you. You understand me. You're always there." She said and moved into his arms that enveloped her. She didn't dare look into his eyes. She knew that she wasn't that brave. "Cause you see this baby is gonna need a father, and I'm gonna need you to be there for it."
She knew now she had got started, she couldn't stop and more importantly she knew that she shouldn't stop.
"But I think that I need you too." She pressed her head onto his chest wanting his body to confine her. To understand how vulnerable, she was and to protect her for always. "I know I do. Cause I love you Charles. As in always loved you, as in I don't want to let you go out of my life again."
She felt the sharp intake of his breath at her words and felt the delicious tightening of his arms around her as she declared.
She knew he was wanting to kiss her. She knew that was probably what should happen. But she wasn't ready to leave his arms and hold just yet.
She knew that tonight she had opened up and taken the biggest step, and she knew it wasn't a simple road they were now going to take. But she knew it was a start, it was a future, and step by step they now would take it together.
She knew that with all her heart.