Update: I've reposted and replaced this chapter three times. I don't know what's up with FanFiction or why it dislikes this chapter so much. I'm rather partial to it, myself.

Author's Note: Well, well, well, if it isn't the person who said she would only post once a month moving forward. I have this and another chapter written up, but I'm trying to hold off on posting just in case I really don't get back to this story for a while. I was going to write this weekend, but life happened.

In this "What If?" scenario, because the Cullen's never moved back to Forks while Bella was in high school, the Quileute never began phasing. As you can (briefly) see, that has changed some of the dynamics. But we don't get into that much...at least for now. Happy Halloween!

Chapter Nine: Secrets

"You should rest," Edward reminded me as we merged from the one-oh-four to the one-oh-one headed towards Port Angeles. We'd talked a bit, but mostly we sat in silence as I stared out the window, worrying about Charlie and feeling regret that my first date with Edward, which had been going so well, had been cut short by such unfortunate circumstances.

"What did your parents say when you told them you were giving a classmate a ride to Forks?" I asked.

"They were understanding," said Edward. "Too understanding. I guess you could say they are supportive."

"In general, or of you helping out a classmate?" I asked.

Edward turned to me, looking confused. "You use that word a lot."

"Which word?"

"Classmate," Edward said. The way his lips shaped around the word gave the impression that it tasted bitter.

"We are classmates, Edward," I said matter-of-factly, trying to keep my voice light.

"Is that all?"

No-no way was I going to bare my soul first. I'd asked him out first and confessed that he made me feel whole-surely he could put two and two together and make four. "What do you think?"

"I think…" Edward began thoughtfully. "You asked me a question in the hospital. I doubt you remember it."

"Let's say that I do. What would your answer be?" He looked at me and I smiled encouragingly. There was recognition in his eyes. He knew I knew.

"Yes," his voice came as a whisper in the dark, the highway of lined trees passing us by us quickly-too quickly. A glance at his speedometer told me we were traveling at well over the speed limit. I clutched the side of my seat and held my breath to keep from saying anything. No way was I missing what he was saying.

"Although the words you used to pose the question seem wholly inadequate to describe...my feelings. I "like you" far more than I should and undoubtedly far more than is good for you."

"Maybe you should let me decide what's good for me," I quipped. "And slow down," I muttered too quietly, I thought, for him to distinguish my words. But the speedometer inched backward.

"I thought we'd established that you have a problem with self-preservation."

"You want me to be afraid of you," I said, wondering why it took me so long to put this fact together.

"Yes," he said softly. "And no. Yes, for your own good. No, because I don't want to have to leave you. I'm not sure I could even if I tried."

"In for a penny, in for a pound," I murmured.

"Exactly," he said, clearly not getting that I'd been referring to myself. He met my eyes as an oncoming car illuminated his features and smiled sadly. Edward insisted that I sleep, tentatively offering his hand to me which I happily accepted, trying my best to close my eyes and let sleep take me.

#

"Bella," Edward murmured from somewhere close.

"Hm?" I said, opening my eyes and stretching. We were still in his car and trees still lined the highway. We could have been literally anywhere in the state of Washington; it all looked so similar.

"We are pulling into Forks," he said. "Care to tell me the way to your house?"

I rubbed my eyes as I gave him directions, sitting up straighter and wiping at the small line of drool which had traveled down the side of my mouth, hoping he hadn't noticed. I didn't ask him why he knew exactly where my dorm was on campus but had to ask directions here, stocking the question away for another time.

It was almost two in the morning when we pulled up to my house. I hesitated, not sure what to say to Edward, how to say goodbye. I was afraid he would just disappear like he had done before, not showing up for class, not a word about where he had been or…

"Call me when you are ready to come back," said Edward, opening the passenger door for me. He always did that, I noted. It was a bit old fashioned but nice.

"I can't be gone too long. I have a job and classes. I emailed my professors and called my supervisor, but I'll probably be ready to come home on Monday evening."

"No need to rush, Bella," said Edward, offering me his hand as he quickly walked me to my front door to avoid the drizzle of rain. "Everything will still be there when you're ready."

"Everything?" I asked, not able to voice my fear. Slowly, Edward reached a hand up to push a strand of damp hair behind my ear.

"I'm not going anywhere," he said. "Not unless you want me to." And his hand grazed the skin behind my ear, gently making its way across the length of my jaw. Inexplicably, his cold fingers left a burning sensation along my skin. But perhaps that was just my blushing again.

"You should text me when you get home," I said. "So I don't worry. Are you sure you don't feel tired?"

"Not even a bit. I guess you could say I'm a bit of a night owl," he said with another knowing smirk. He waited until I had grabbed the spare key and unlocked the door before returning to his car and driving away, carrying a piece of me with him.

Charlie was asleep on the couch, his neck in an awkward position, his eyes red and puffy. I reached a hand out to wake him up so I could send him to bed.

"Bells?" he asked, his voice gruff. He looked at his watch. "It's two in the morning! You shouldn't have driven."

I bit my lIt was better just to be upfront about it, especially because there was less chance of an interrogation if Charlie was tired.

"I didn't," I said. "My friend Edward drove me. I love my truck, but it's a bit of a gas guzzler, and I wanted to be home before morning. Now come on, let's both get to sleep so we can get well rested for the morning."

"We'll talk about this in the morning," Charlie warned. "But I'm glad you're here."

"Me too, Dad." And I meant it.

#

Sunday was filled with cleaning the mess Charlie had created since my last visit and visiting with friends down at the reservation. Jacob was especially happy to see me, but we both wished it had been under different circumstances. Charlie helped Sue and Billy with funeral arrangements for the following day while Jacob and I did our best to help comfort Seth. I didn't know what we would have done if Sam hadn't been there to comfort and support Leah. Jake said he was pretty sure Sam had been planning on proposing soon. I wondered how those plans would change now.

The funeral was beautiful, though that didn't seem quite the right word for it. Funerals had always been difficult for me-they were so final. It felt...wrong, somehow.

"I'm glad you were here, Bells," Charlie said later that evening as we finally arrived home. "Why don't you let me take you home tomorrow? That way your friend doesn't have to come all this way."

"I don't think Edward minds," I said, hoping that was true.

"Do you like this guy or something?"

How did I even begin to explain this to Charlie? "I think so. We've been on a date, but it was kind of a disaster. I guess we'll see what happens."

Charlie looked at me suspiciously, his cop instincts kicking in. "You still have that pepper spray?"

"Yes, Dad." I tried not to sound irritated.

"I'll take you home tomorrow," said Charlie with an air of finality. I knew there was no point in arguing with him, not if I didn't want him to grill me about Edward. We agreed on the time we would leave, then we both headed to bed. I still had some homework to do, and I needed to check my email for the notes my Biology professor promised to send me. But first, I needed to call Edward and let him know that he wouldn't need to come pick me up.

"Bella," said Edward when he answered the phone after one ring.

"Hi. How are you?" I asked, feeling the same relief I imagined I heard in his voice.

"That depends."

"On what, exactly?"

"On whether or not you are calling to have me come pick you up or to tell me that your dad will be bringing you back to school."

I couldn't mask my surprise. "How did you know?"

Edward chuckled. "Call it a hunch."

I would be doing no such thing. If there was one thing I'd learned about Edward, it was that all of his little comments meant something bigger. Somehow he knew what I was going to say before I said it. I wasn't sure at that moment how that fit onto my list, but I would find out eventually.

"I miss you," I said. I'd decided that honesty would be my route with Edward-maybe it would inspire him to be a bit more open with me. But if not, I would never be able to say I didn't try.

Edward sighed sadly.

"What? Did you not want me to miss you?"

"I can't seem to make up my mind on that front."

"Oh." He had admitted to liking me, but perhaps I'd misunderstood his meaning or the depth of whatever those feelings were.

"Bella," Edward tutted, rightly guessing my thoughts. "The only reason I'm torn is that I shouldn't want you to miss me. It's selfish of me...but I miss you too. When are you coming back?"

"Tomorrow morning. I've talked to my supervisor, and I have a shift at the library at four, so Charlie is planning on leaving first thing. I'll see you in class on Wednesday, right?"

Edward paused before answering. "I can't come to class on Wednesday."

"Why?" I asked, trying not to sound whiny.

"I have plans with my brothers."

"You...have plans? Is this another secret you can't let me in on?"

"Yes, something like that," he said.

"I guess I'll see you on Friday, then?"

"I won't be in class on Friday either," said Edward. "But I have no intention of waiting so long to see you-if that's alright."

"If I had my way, it would be you driving me home in the morning." He paused, and I imagined he smiled at that.

"How are you, Bella? How was the funeral?"

I'd expected just to call Edward to let him know that Charlie would be taking me home, but we ended up talking until I couldn't keep my eyes open. We talked about everything and nothing. And that nothing felt like everything to me. I'd realized some time ago that the feelings I felt for Edward were not just your every day, run-of-the-mill crush type emotions. But this felt a lot like an emotion I'd only ever read about in books. And the reality made the masterpieces of classical literature pale in comparison. I couldn't wait to get back to Seattle, to school...to Edward. Because I was almost positive that I was falling in love with him. And that fact didn't scare me nearly as much as it should have.

#

"No more parties," Charlie insisted as we pulled off the freeway in Seattle. I regretted not fighting harder to have Edward come pick me up, because as soon as Charlie had had me alone in his cruiser he started asking questions about my recent ER visit. Of course, the whole story had eventually come out, including Edward but minus any superhuman abilities.

"Believe me, Dad," I said. "Parties are the last thing on my mind."

"What about that Edward kid?" he asked.

"What about him?" I was trying to play it cool. He didn't need to know about my late-night revelations. That would only terrify him, I was sure.

"Are you...being safe?"

"Dad!" I cried, thoroughly shocked. "We've only been on one date! Half a date!"

"But you called him last night," said Charlie. "You talked for quite a while."

I sighed. Of course he'd noticed. "For right now, at least, Edward and I are still just friends. I'll let you know if that changes."

That seemed to satisfy Charlie, but I expected I would probably get a call from my mom within the next few days. He had an uncanny ability to rat me out. "No parties?"

"Zero. I've got grades to maintain if I want to keep my scholarship." I leaned over to give him a brief hug as we drew near Hansee Hall. "I'll see you as soon as I can get some more time off."

"Don't be a stranger," he said. "You could call once in a while, you know."

"I'll try to be better," I said, hopping out of the cruiser and grabbing my bag. It was already noon and I wanted to settle in again before having to head off to work. That plan flew out the window as I walked up the stairs to my dorm to find Edward Cullen leaning casually against the wall next to the door of my dorm suite. He was staring at the floor, probably critiquing the dingy carpet in his mind, and he looked...troubled. Beautiful, but trouble. That is until he looked up and saw me walking down the hallway towards him. I was pretty sure we were wearing identical grins.

"I thought you had plans with your brothers," I said, stopping at my door.

"That's not until tomorrow," he said, still grinning.

"Well, shoot. I wish I didn't have work today. We could hang out."

"Are you busy right now?" he asked.

"I...really have to unpack and organize my homework," I said, wishing that my sense of responsibility wasn't so strong.

"Care for some company?"

"Wouldn't that be awfully boring?"

Edward laughed. "I don't find anything about you boring, Bella."

I found that extremely difficult to believe, but perhaps he didn't know enough about me yet. I unlocked the door to my dorm suite and flipped on the light in the common area. All was quiet, and considering the time, I knew both Jessica and Angela would be in class. Trying not to feel awkward about it, I led Edward down the hallway to my room and began unpacking. Edward took a seat at the end of my bed, his back against the wall. I knew my dad would freak out if I'd brought a boy into my room at home, but I was a grown adult. Besides, college students hung out with their friends in their rooms all the time, I thought.

"So what are you and your brothers doing that will keep you out of school for the next three days?" I asked as I put away the clean clothes I had washed at home in Forks.

"Hunting," Edward said seriously. I'd only counted to two in my mind when that little small pulled at the corner of his mouth, informing me of the arcane nature of his answer.

"Uh-huh. You don't really strike me as the type. What will you be hunting?"

"Whatever is in season, of course."

"Which is?"

"Bear and mountain lion, at the moment."

"That's...rather different than I would have expected."

"What did you imagine I would be doing with my brothers?"

"I don't know. Video games? Working on cars?"

Edward looked as if he was trying not to laugh. "Cars are more of my sister Rosalie's hobby."

"Then tell me more about your brothers? Are they adopted too?"

"We all are. Carlisle and Esme aren't able to have their own children, so they've taken us all in."

"Five kids?" I'd already had a good impression of Carlisle, but he moved up significantly in my mind. The man was a saint. "And you and Alice are in college. What about the others?"

"I'm technically the youngest of us. We are all attending UW right now, though the others are mostly taking night classes."

I wondered what constituted being "technically" the youngest. I also wondered how they could all afford to go to college at once. Edward hadn't mentioned any sort of job. Doctors didn't make that much money, did they?

"What are you all studying?"

"Jasper is majoring in psychology, Rosalie is studying electrical engineering, Alice is studying fashion design, and Emmet is currently undeclared."

Finally finished putting my clothes away, I turned on my computer to check my email. "Have you decided on your major yet? Last time I asked, you were waffling between music and pre-med."

"I don't know," said Edward, staring at his hands in his lap. "I've been toying with the idea of Literature." He looked up at me almost shyly and I felt the blush creep up. That was getting to be incredibly irritating.

"It's not a bad option," I said, trying to keep my tone casual. "But wouldn't you be able to help more people as a doctor?"

"I don't think I could ever really practice medicine."

"Can't handle the blood?" I surmised.

Edward laughed lightly. "Something like that."

I nodded in understanding. "Me too. The smell makes me sick."

"Humans can't smell blood," said Edward, looking at me like I had two heads.

My initial reaction was to take offense at his insinuation that something was wrong with me, but my mind settled on his use of the word "humans." The way he'd said it had made it sound like he was referring to aliens, something entirely other. Did Edward not consider himself...human? What an odd thought, which I added to my list of potentially important facts. What was I up to now? Ten, at least.

"I can."

"Of course you can," said Edward, shaking his head slowly.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I turned off my computer and turned to face him, my arms crossed defiantly.

Edward leaned forward to offer me one of his hands. I wasn't so offended that I was going to turn down the chance for physical contact with him, so I took it begrudgingly, allowing him to lead me to sit beside him. I sat with my legs crossed facing him, the closest I could get to crossing my arms without having to break contact with him.

"Only that you constantly surprise me. You never do or say what I expect you to. At first it was unbelievably frustrating, but now I find it...endearing."

"It's endearing that I'm odd? That I'm not normal?"

Edward sighed, pulling my hand into his lap and inspecting it as a smile played at his lips.

"I've felt like I was drowning for a long, long time. You, Isabella Swan, are a breath of fresh air." He traced a line down one of the veins in my wrist, then back up to my fingertips. He slowly brought my hand to his mouth, his eyes finding mine just as his cool lips made contact with the backs of my fingers.

I forgot to breathe. I'd never experienced such an intimate moment before, and he'd only kissed my hand. I could only imagine-his eyes were still locked on mine, so he must have noticed my eyes glance down at his mouth for the briefest of moments.

"Bella," Edward's voice broke through the pounding of my pulse in my ears. "I was thinking...while you were gone. There's something I wanted to try-but I don't want to hurt you."

"You could never hurt me." I had complete faith in him. There was something incredibly good about Edward. I would have trusted him with my life.

"You have no idea how wrong you are, but I appreciate the sentiment." He chuckled darkly.

"You were saying?" I asked, not wanting to distract him and feeling incredibly curious about the nature of the intense way he was looking at me.

"I want to try something, but you can't move-not even an inch. Or I might hurt you."

I gulped, nodding numbly as Edward raised the hand not currently tangled with his cool fingers to my cheek, cupping it so softly that for a moment, I thought I only imagined it was there. And then, so slowly that I thought my heart would burst with the suspense, Edward leaned toward me, his eyes focused on my mouth. There was no misinterpreting this. Edward Cullen was about to kiss me. I could feel his cool breath on my face for a moment as he turned his head slightly, creating the perfect angle for our faces to meet, and then all was still as he leaned closer. At the last second, just as my eyes were sliding shut, he pulled away, his head turning toward my bedroom door which was opened a few inches.

"Should your roommates know I'm here?" He asked huskily, turning to gauge my reaction as his hand fell from my face.

"That's fine," I said, wishing I'd closed my door as I heard the door to the dorm suite open.

Edward quickly leaned back and made as if he was going to stand. I held tighter to his hand, and he looked a little surprised, but he stayed where he was, our fingers still entwined as we sat side by side on my bed. That's how Angela found us a few seconds later as she knocked on my door, pushing it open with a smile.

"Bella! You're back-oh! Hi, Edward," she finished, her eyes wide in surprise as she noted Edward's hand in mine. And then she smiled.

"Hello, Angela," Edward greeted her smoothly. "It's nice to see you again."

"You too," Angela said. "Did you guys just get back?"

"Charlie drove me home, but I got back about half an hour ago."

"Do you have work tonight? I was hoping someone would help me study for my Geology test on Friday. Ben has work."

"I have work, too, but if you wanted to drop by the library I may be able to help you a bit if I have any downtime." I kind of doubted I would have any downtime, given how busy the library was as students prepared for mid-term exams, but I didn't want to shoot Angela down.

"I can help, if you'd like," Edward offered. "We could study in the library, and then if Bella has any time, she could help you."

"Really?" Angela asked, her eyebrows rising in surprise.

"Sure," said Edward with a shrug. "I have some homework I should probably do anyway."

"Wow, okay," said Angela, looking slightly dazed. "Thanks. I guess I'll see you later, then." She backed out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Edward chuckled as he looked back at me.

"What's so funny?" I asked, trying to keep my face neutral instead of the dreamy look I felt tempted to give him for his willingness to help a friend of mine whom he barely knew.

"I'm not sure she really wanted to take me up on that offer," Edward explained. "She's trying to think of ways to back out."

I looked at him skeptically. "How do you know?"

Edward took my other hand in his as he went back to examining them as he had before.

"I'm really good at reading people. Most people," he qualified with a derisive laugh. "Everyone except you."

He looked up at me, his gaze like smoldering coals, as they had been before we were interrupted.

"What are you thinking, Bella?" he whispered. I felt as if he were trying to see inside me, and the intensity of his gaze left me burning all over.

"I'm trying to sit very still," I said, amazed at how brazen I sounded. "In hopes that you will try to kiss me again."

The coals erupted into flames, and Edward took my face in his hands so quickly I didn't see it happen. I only felt the cool of his hands as I watched his jaw set with determination.

"Don't move," he breathed in warning when our lips were only an inch apart. I almost nodded in understanding but stopped myself, allowing my eyes to shut as I waited. Edward's cool breath caressed my face three times before he finished leaning in, allowing our lips to touch softly, so softly it ached and I wanted nothing more than to reach for him, to pull him closer, but I remembered his warning and the fact that I didn't know the source of his worry. I had just enough self-control to remain frozen, as he had instructed me, but it felt like the hardest thing I had ever had to do.

His lips moved slowly over mine and it was all I could do to remember to breathe, my lungs filling with his heady scent, making it more difficult to remain stationary. When he pulled away a moment later-far too soon for my liking-Edward's smile was dazzlingly triumphant.

"I didn't kill you," he whispered, breathing a relieved laugh.

I looked at him quizzically. "I didn't know that was a concern."

"It's always a concern, Bella," said Edward, his voice full of warning. "I keep telling you that I'm no good for you. I'm not safe."

"I don't care," I blurted out, leaning into one of his hands still resting against my cheek.

"You should," he let his hands fall. "Don't you see-"There can be no community between you and me; we are enemies."*

"I see," I said slowly. At that moment, I hated him for ruining this for us-for me. Although I was nineteen years old, I'd never had a real kiss before this moment. I'd had plenty of opportunities, plenty of guys who would have jumped up and volunteered, but I'd never wanted to share that with anyone before. Before now. Before Edward. And yet, even as annoyed as I felt, all I wanted was for him to shut his self-loathing mouth and press it against mine with fervor-the former action being completely optional.

"Do you?" He asked, his expression apprehensive.

I nodded, biting my lip thoughtfully. "You're the monster?"

He nodded brusquely. "I'm not at all the superhero you've been imagining, Bella. Far, far from it."

My mind was racing, trying to make sense of his words, but I couldn't reconcile how someone as wonderful as Edward could ever be a monster.

"You can't be more than an unwitting monster, at best. Like Frankenstein's monster...I don't believe you would choose it if given a choice."

"You're the most perceptive person I've ever met, Bella Swan," he breathed. His face was contorted in pain, and for a moment I thought he would cry.

"You say that as if it's a bad thing."

"It just means that, eventually, you will figure it out. You will put the pieces together and then...you'll run."

"Your faith in me is inspiring," I said dryly, and Edward snorted. "Give me some credit. I haven't run yet, even when you've refused to explain about a million little things about yourself that are driving me crazy. I'm still here because...I think you are, by far, the most interesting person I've ever met. You're funny, smart, intuitive, thoughtful, gorgeous-" I was rambling. Where was Angela when you actually needed someone to interrupt you? By some miracle, I was able to stop. "My point is that I am still here, and I don't have any plans on going anywhere. Do you?"

Edward shook his head. "I told you, I don't know if I could leave you if I tried. I'm far too selfish and self-serving."

I shrugged, smiling wryly, holding out my hand to Edward. He accepted it, pulling it back into his lap once more. "We all have our flaws, Edward. But you don't see me complaining."

He didn't try to kiss me again, and I didn't ask him to, knowing now that it caused him such distress to attempt it. I hoped that, with time, it might become easier and that whatever barrier was keeping Edward from being his true self with me would eventually crumble. He was afraid that, when I found out his truth, I would run. But I had no intention of running anywhere without him. I just had to find a way of convincing him that that was the case. Some being or force kept him from telling me himself, but I needed to find out the truth of who or what Edward Cullen was.

*Victor Frankenstein to his monster in Frankenstein by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley