"Shit."
Tonks just barely managed to catch herself before she went crashing to the floor after tripping over the stupid troll's leg umbrella stand. Why was this fucking thing still in the hallway? She could have sworn she'd moved it a million times now and it somehow always managed to find its way under her foot. Still, she was thankful that she'd at least managed to avoid awakening Mrs. Black's portrait this time around; she didn't even want to try to explain to Sirius and whoever else might be staying the night at headquarters why she was here at half past two in the morning. She didn't even quite know herself, she just knew that she hadn't wanted to go back to her empty flat alone after such a shitty day.
She crept down the stairs to the kitchen, murmuring a quiet lumos to light her way. Managing to make it down the stairs in one piece, she gave a little celebratory dance before making a beeline to the cupboard. She'd been thinking about Molly's biscuits since the moment she left the club, and she could hardly wait to -
"They're gone, sorry."
Tonks' heart leapt into her throat as she whirled around with a small yelp, wand levelled at the person sitting quietly at the kitchen table, their head propped up on an elbow. She rolled her eyes when she realized who it was.
"What the fuck, Remus?" she hissed. "I almost hexed you - also why are you sitting alone in the dark? It's bloody creepy." She gave a wave of her wand and the torches on the walls flared with flame.
"Hello, Nymphadora." Remus winced as the light shone through the kitchen, throwing into sharp relief the shadows under his eyes. "Rather unable to sleep and I've a bit of a headache." Oh. Right. The full moon was in two days. "I wasn't trying to scare you, I'm sorry. I - er - assumed no one else would come into the kitchen considering the hour, to be quite honest."
"Sorry," she muttered hastily, waving her wand again so that the light dimmed, leaving just enough of a gentle glow that she could make her way to the table without breaking her neck. She heaved herself into the chair across from him. "And don't call me Nymphadora, I've told you that. Are you alright? Can I get you anything?"
He waved a dismissive hand. "No, no, I'm fine. Just got bored of laying in bed and staring at the ceiling after an hour or two, so I came down here to stare at a different ceiling instead." He gave her a small smile. "May I ask why you're here? I know the allure of Molly's leftovers is quite strong, but I assume there was plenty of greasy fare near your flat that's more apt to ending a night out than in this dingy corner of London."
She grimaced. "I did go out with the goal of getting sloshed tonight but I'm barely even tipsy, honestly. It was just...I dunno. It was a weird night. Today was a weird day. I feel weird."
"Don't say that about yourself, I think your hair is fetching."
She scowled at him. "Git. I'm not talking about my hair, thank you very much. I just mean...I didn't want to go home, but I don't even know why I'm here. It's stupid." She picked at a splinter on the table, suddenly feeling slightly self-conscious. She'd been working with Remus one-on-one a lot more lately, and while they got on well and she thought him actually quite funny, she realized she still didn't quite know what he thought of her. Still, there was something oddly comforting about his presence.
His expression softened. "Well, since I may or may not be responsible for the disappearance of the rest of Molly's biscuits, can I make you some tea, at least? And I'll see if I can scrummage up another snack for you in the pantry."
"Only if it's not too much trouble."
"Not at all. I was about to make some myself." He got up, stretching for a moment before heading over to put the kettle on the hob. She noticed that he often prepared tea the Muggle way, rather than just using a spell; for some reason she found it oddly charming. He turned around to face her, leaning back on the counter with his elbows while he waited for the kettle to boil. His hair was tousled from sleep, but he was wearing the same jumper and trousers he'd been wearing at the meeting earlier that evening, though they looked similarly rumpled.
"You just sleep fully clothed like that, then? So you're ready at a moment's notice in case a Death Eater comes bursting into your room in the middle of the night?"
He chuckled. "I do like to consider myself vigilant, but not quite to that level. Don't say anything in front of Alastor or he'll make it Order protocol to sleep in trousers, robes, shoes and all. I can't say it'd be too comfortable."
"Right. D'you sleep starkers, then?"
He flushed. "Er - no, I do own pyjamas, Tonks. Molly saw me in my sleepwear one night and has been offering to patch them up ever since, and I don't think I could look her in the eye over dinner after she's been handling my tatty old pyjama bottoms. So I've taken to putting on proper trousers if I'm leaving my bedroom in the middle of the night, I can never keep track of who's in this house."
She choked back a laugh. "Right, I can see how that'd be traumatizing. Fair enough." She paused. "I mean, I wasn't saying there's anything wrong with sleeping starkers if that's how you sleep, by the way. It's how I usually sleep."
She could have sworn his blush deepened. "I wake up on the cellar floor cold and naked once a month. That about gives me my fill of sleeping in the nude, if I'm being quite honest."
She cringed. How did she always manage to say the wrong thing? "Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking -"
"It's alright," he reassured her, shooting her a quick smile as he turned around to lift the whistling kettle. "I didn't mean it to come out sounding like that. It's not that dire." He poured the boiling water into two cups. "Sorry. I should warn you that I'm not much fun to be around as it gets closer to the full moon, I can get rather gloomy. Sirius calls it my 'pre-moon syndrome,' says I'm more prattish than usual. Anyway, in all honesty, I just get too cold. As I'm sure you've noticed, this house is rather drafty. There are some nights I'm tempted to go to sleep wearing my entire wardrobe." He started rummaging in one of the cupboards, pulling out a packet of digestives with a victorious shake. "Not Molly's biscuits, but these will do. Here you are." He set a steaming cup of tea down in front of her. Earl Grey again. She hadn't the heart to tell him she preferred her tea a bit stronger and sweeter, not when he was willing to fix her tea in the middle of the night in this dingy kitchen.
"You know, if it were anyone else I'd advise keeping your mouth shut, but you should tell Molly you finished off the food she left. She's always trying to fatten you up, she'll be thrilled."
He laughed. "To be honest, there weren't too many left by the time I got to them, I think Sirius had quite a few before he headed off to bed. He told me to finish them off and I'd be doing him a favor, as he's trying to 'watch his girlish figure,' in his words." He rolled his eyes, then took his seat across from her again, fixing her with a concerned expression. "So, Nymphadora. Are you alright? You said you'd had a weird day. I apologize for teasing earlier."
"It's Tonks, Remus. And no, it's fine," she replied. "Work was just...well, it was work. Not much to say about that aside from the fact that everyone at the Ministry's driving me bonkers these days. And then I went out with friends to let off some steam and it was supposed to be fun and it just…wasn't. I don't..." she trailed off. "Sorry, I'm sure you don't want to hear about this."
"No, I do," he replied earnestly. "Only if you're comfortable sharing with me, though, of course."
"Of course I am. I just...I don't know." She sighed. "I guess I feel like I barely have anything in common with them anymore. All my time is spent wrapped up in work and the Order and then when I do have any free time, it's still spent thinking about work and the Order and…I don't know. I expected we'd all grow apart a bit after school ended anyway, but I can't really talk to them about my life now, not really, and it just feels odd."
He was watching her carefully. "It very much makes sense that you're feeling that way. I'm sorry you're going through that, though. You're young and it must be difficult to already have this much weight put upon your shoulders."
"I mean, I wouldn't have it any other way, that's the thing. I know myself, I know what I'm doing. I'm doing what I want to be doing. It makes sense, and I wouldn't change anything. But it still bothers me."
"Something can be logical and still be sad. And it is perfectly normal to be bothered by that."
"Yes, I suppose that's true." She took a sip of her tea. "You joined the Order right out of school, didn't you? When you were eighteen?"
"I did. But all my closest friends were in the Order." He hesitated. "It was...really all I had, anyway. I think perhaps that made it easier for me. Sirius, James, Lily, and even Peter. They were all I had. I tried to find jobs here and there, of course, but as you'd imagine I didn't have much luck holding anything down, so it was easy for me to just throw everything into the work I was doing for the Order. And when I did see my friends, I didn't have to hide as much." He opened the packet of biscuits, holding it out to her. "I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to be hiding your real life away from friends you're so close with."
She sighed as she grabbed a digestive. "I'm not close with them anymore, not really. And this is going to make me sound like an arsehole, so you have to promise not to judge, but…"
"I would never think that of you. Go on," he replied kindly.
"I resent them, too," she said, dunking the biscuit into her tea. "I feel almost...angry with them. I just...I know they have stuff to worry about, too, but I think they're buying into the Ministry's bullshit about Voldemort and they don't think there's any reason to worry and I just...I worry for them and yet I envy them, too. I envy their ignorance. That they can still just go out and party like nothing is happening in our world."
"That certainly does not make you an arsehole. I would feel the same way."
"And what's most worrisome," she mumbled around a mouthful of biscuit, "is that the whole time I was at the club, I rather wished I had just stayed here to have some firewhiskey and play Exploding Snap with you and Sirius, like I had originally planned."
He laughed. "That really is most frightening of all. We always enjoy having you here, of course, but you should never worry about keeping us dusty old dinosaurs entertained, Tonks."
"Oh, stop talking as if you're eighty years old. You two are cracking company. I mean that I have fun talking with you, is all." She paused, swallowing her mouthful of biscuit. "I also - er - ran into an ex at the club. Which just topped off an already weird night in the most awkward fashion."
"That would indeed do it. I'm sorry to hear that. Was it a recent breakup?"
She shook her head. "No, awhile before I joined the Order. We had dated a bit off and on right after school, but I was going through Auror training and she was training to be a Healer and it was just...I dunno. We got on well, but we just kind of kept growing apart, and that was that. We were both so busy and I think we just wanted different things out of life. We agreed we'd be better as friends but of course, we've barely spoken since. And I do miss her as a friend, but I think the time for that's passed. I think it was just weird because it reminds me of a different time in my life. Before all this happened. The war, I mean." She took a sip of her tea, suddenly feeling a bit embarrassed that she was unloading all of this to Remus; surely he did not want to hear about her love life. But there was just something about him that made her feel as if she could tell him anything; he was always so good at listening. Right now, for example, he was watching her with the same expression that he usually wore during Order meetings - raptly attentive, as if her silly little stories were the only thing he wanted to focus on right now. "Anyway, it was fine; it was just awkward, you know? We said hello and how are you and, oh, we must catch up sometime soon, all that bullshit. Knowing fully well that we won't ever catch up soon until the next time we awkwardly run into each other. You know how it is. Anyway, enough about me. Go on, tell me an awfully awkward story about your love life and commiserate with me."
"You mean, aside from the fact that I can hardly walk a block down the street before I'm accosted by one of my hundreds of ex-lovers?" He chuckled. "I - er - have not had much of a love life, I'm afraid. No, really," he added as Tonks scoffed. "And what little I do have is rather boring. One of the hazards of being a dark -"
"I swear, if you say 'dark creature', I will hex you. No talking about yourself like that, I hate it when you do that."
He gave her a small smile. "If you say so."
"I do say so. Sirius is right, you are more of a prat when it nears your time of the month. Suppose we have that in common, then. Go on."
He rolled his eyes, but he looked as if he was holding back a grin. "Anyway, I really don't have much of a romantic past of which to speak, so if you're looking for any exciting stories, you'll be sorely disappointed." He seemed to hesitate for a moment, taking a slow sip of tea before humming thoughtfully. "I will, however, see your 'awkwardness of running into an ex at the club' and raise you my 'awkwardness of living with your ex from school.'''
She dropped the biscuit she'd been holding. "Wait, what?"
Remus laughed a bit. "I'm surprised he hasn't told you yet, honestly, I'd thought you already knew - most people do, I think, it's not like it's this great secret - but er - yes, Sirius and I dated a bit, if you could call it that, when we were younger. When we were boys at Hogwarts. Obviously quite a long time ago."
"I mean, Sirius mentioned he dated boys at school, but I never knew he meant you. Blimey - you and Sirius?"
He looked embarrassed now. "Yes, everyone always was surprised. Sirius was quite the charmer while we were at school, and I was - well -"
"Oh, no, that's not what I meant at all. I mean, how'd Sirius manage to pull someone like you?"
"Someone like me," he repeated slowly. "If by that you mean the gawkiest, most awkward boy of our year at Hogwarts who happened to also be a werewolf, yes."
"Stop it, I'm sure you were adorable. I mean, yeah, I get what you mean about Sirius being a charmer. I'm sure he just about ran the school. But you're funny, too. You're really subtle about it and I feel that makes everything you say just that much funnier. That's charming. I'll bet you were quiet but funny and thought that everyone had their eyes on Sirius, and that allowed you to overlook all the people who actually had a crush on you."
He stifled a laugh at her analysis. "It sounds like you're speaking from very specific experience."
"I mean everyone has that type of situation in their year, yeah?" She waved her hand. "My year it was Charlie Weasley. Nearly all the girls were tripping over themselves to talk to him, but I really only saw him as a mate. I thought he was proper fit, don't get me wrong, but he wasn't exactly my type, I suppose. I still remember Graeme Simmons, though; quiet, spent loads of time in the library, adorable as anything. I had the biggest crush on him, the little nerd. And I doubt I was the only one, he was very sweet. Cute in his introverted bookworm type of way."
"Hmm. I wouldn't have pegged you as the type to go after the nerdy bookworm," he teased.
"I do read, Remus, I'm not illiterate."
"That's not what I meant," he replied hastily.
She smirked at him. "I know. You really are too easy to wind up. Anyway, I'm just saying don't undersell yourself. I was just shocked someone was willing to put up with Sirius enough that they'd want to spend even more time with him alone,is all, it must have been exhausting. Although really, I suppose it makes sense. You'd need loads of patience to date Sirius, wouldn't you? Like infinite patience. I'll bet you were a total sweetheart." He was blushing now. "So what happened, anyway?"
"It ended while we were still at school. We just - we grew apart. In that particular way, anyway. We were still great friends, of course, but you know how it is when you're young. And then the war happened, and...anyway, I understand a bit when you talk about the timing just not being right. Then there was a girl our seventh year that I fancied a bit, but nothing ever came of that." He waved a dismissive hand. "The werewolf thing was too complicated, as it always tends to be, and I had enough to worry about with passing my exams and trying to figure out how to get a job out of school."
"What about since then?"
He hummed thoughtfully. "I had one other serious relationship, if you could even call it that, with a woman who'd been in our year at school. Only for about a year or so when I was twenty three. Not even that long, actually. It...didn't end quite well. So I've rather - er - stayed away from dating since then. Better that way, I think."
"Better for who? You or the people you'd potentially date?"
He arched an eyebrow. "Obviously better for my potential romantic partners, infinitesimally small as that pool may be, but I suppose I don't have to tell you that it doesn't exactly do wonders for the ego, either, to have someone you fancy run away from you screaming."
She rolled her eyes. "Did this woman actually run away screaming?"
"Well, not literally, but -"
"And you really haven't dated anyone else?"
He chuckled. "James used to say something daft about me having 'twice the options.' But it didn't matter who I fancied as long as I'm a werewolf, so it's all rather pointless, isn't it?"
"Why would you say it's pointless?"
"No one wants to be involved with a werewolf, Tonks."
"You don't know that that's necessarily true." He gave her an odd look; she hoped she wasn't overstepping any limits, and she couldn't quite pinpoint why she was so determined to convince Remus that he was dateable, anyway. She supposed that she agreed with Sirius and was tired of his moping about all the time, so convinced as he often seemed to be that everyone secretly hated him. She usually felt rather bad for Remus whenever Sirius loudly declared an end to "Moony's pity party" and that "a good shag will sort him right out," but she was starting to think that maybe her cousin had the right idea.
"In my experience, I must say it's rather true. And I can't say I'd blame them, anyway." Remus was still looking at her with a strange expression on his face.
"Well, that's their loss then, I would blame them if the only reason they turn you down is because of an illness that you happen to have. What happened with the girl you'd dated? You said she didn't actually run away screaming. So did she know you were a werewolf when you started dating?" She immediately regretted asking the question, even though they'd already made it this far into the conversation. "You don't have to answer that, actually, sorry. I have a nasty habit of continuing to pry when I should really stop."
"It's quite alright, it was a very long time ago. Er...no, she didn't know. I really should have told her from the start -"
"It doesn't matter, though."
"To many, many people, it does," he replied with a faint smile. "I truly admire your optimism, but most people would not choose to knowingly become involved with someone like me."
"What, someone drinks boatloads of tea and knows far too much about the mating habits of grindylows?"
He rolled his eyes, though she could tell he was trying to hold back a rather exasperated smile. "You know what I mean, Tonks. It wasn't fair of me to deprive her of that choice. Anyway, she eventually worked it out. I knew I couldn't keep it from her forever, I was being foolish. I just couldn't find the right time to tell her. It was just me being cowardly, really. But obviously she figured it out."
"What did she say?"
"She didn't take it very well, as you would imagine," he replied. "I went to work that day - I was working at a bookstore then, part-time - but they sacked me as soon as I showed up. They'd received an anonymous tip about what I am. Then I got home to an eviction notice pinned to the door of my flat, as someone had tipped off my landlord as well and he wanted me out by the end of the night. I still didn't put two and two together until I was packing my things and received her owl bearing a rather strongly worded note and strict instructions never to contact her again." He gave her a crooked smile. "Anyway, as I said, it was a long time ago. I don't think about it much now." He looked down as he fiddled with the biscuit package.
"What a cunt," Tonks said simply, crinkling her nose. He looked up quickly, meeting her eyes with a slightly disbelieving look before letting out a laugh.
"I can't say I blame her now, but -"
"No, you should blame her! Give yourself some more credit, Remus. If the only reason she left you is because she figured out you were a werewolf, she's already an arsehole. And the fact that she decided to blow up the rest of your life too? She's a cunt. Can't change my mind, sorry." He ducked his head to take another sip of tea.
"I didn't have much of a life to blow up, to be honest," he muttered.
"Stop that. Why are you so self-deprecating all the time?" she replied, slightly exasperated. "What she did was hurtful and fucked up and it's okay to admit that it hurt, you know."
"No, I mean - well, I was a bit of a mess in general at that point in my life. Honestly, it likely would not have worked out in the long run, anyway. It was only a couple years after - after James and Lily had died and Sirius had gone to Azkaban, and...well." He smiled at her. "Anyway. You don't want to hear this old man's sad life story. Sorry for boring you."
She rolled her eyes. "Again with the old man thing, stop that. You're not old." She hesitated only for a moment before she reached out and covered his hand briefly with hers, giving it a light squeeze. He looked up, surprised. "I appreciate you telling me all that. I know I yelled at you and almost jinxed you when I came into the kitchen, but you're very enjoyable to talk to, Remus. Even your sad old life story." She grinned.
"Thankfully, those years are behind me. And now I live in this grand old house full of cursed objects with my best mate who also happens to be my ex-boyfriend, and his cantankerous old house elf who takes infinite pleasure in yelling constant abuse at us. Oh, and a portrait of his mum who calls me a filthy half-breed any chance she gets. Could I be any luckier?"
She laughed. "You may just be the luckiest man alive."
"I also occasionally get to enjoy the company of kind young witches who don't find my propensity for sitting alone in the dark completely off-putting, so that's an upside, as well," he said, smiling at her.
She felt a strange swoop in her stomach. "I did almost jinx you though, mind. Light a single candle next time at least. In the name of self-preservation from witches with an overzealous wand draw." She stretched, yawning. "I'm feeling rather knackered now, I'd best be heading to bed. D'you think Sirius would mind if I crashed here? I don't particularly feel like apparating back to my flat now and dealing with all the security wards and charms now that I'm already here."
He shook his head. "Not at all. I'm sure he'll be glad to have some company other than me at breakfast tomorrow morning; he's promised to cook something for us, though what exactly he's planning on making he has not deigned to share with me, so I'm not quite sure if that's an enticing offer or not. Anyway, if you head up to the second floor, the third room on the left is made up to be a guest room. You can sleep there if you'd like."
"Thanks, that's perfect. Are you heading back to bed, too?"
"No, I think I'll stay up for awhile longer. You can leave the biscuits, I'll clean them up."
"Oh, you'll 'clean them up' just as you did with Molly's biscuits. Got it." She winked at him as she pushed back from the table, rising from her chair with another yawn. "Are you sure I can't get you something? For your head or anything?"
He smiled. "No, your company was more than enough. It's not often I have the opportunity for an interesting chat during my bouts of insomnia, so thank you for that. Sleep well, Nymphadora."
"It's Tonks, Remus. Goodnight."
Up in the guest room, she started to strip down for bed, then realized with a shudder that Remus was quite right; it was very drafty in this house. She re-dressed reluctantly, rather regretting her choice of outfit for her night out, as it didn't provide much more warmth than sleeping naked would. She was trying to decide if she should try a warming charm on the mattress (she'd never been quite good at that; there was a decent chance any attempt would end in flames) when she heard a quiet knock on her door. She opened it to find a slightly sheepish looking Remus standing in the hallway, some sort of bundle tucked under his arm.
"Hi, Tonks - I hope you weren't already asleep?"
"No, not at all. You're right, by the way, it's bloody freezing up here." She rubbed her hands together frantically, thinking longingly of her warm bed back at home as goose pimples erupted all up and down her arms.
"That's actually why I came up. I know you said you prefer to sleep - erm - without clothes," he said awkwardly, avoiding her eyes as she smirked, "but it does get quite chilly and I realized you wouldn't have brought any pyjamas to sleep in. I've found you an extra blanket, in case that helps, and I also - er - here's an extra set of my clothes, if you'd like." He held the bundle he'd been holding out to her. "You don't have to wear them, of course," he added hastily, "and they're in rather bad shape, but I figured -"
"No, this is perfect; thank you, Remus," she reassured him. "You've saved me from dying in my sleep of hypothermia tonight, so that's much appreciated. Order of Merlin to you. That would have been the stupidest way to go."
"Right." He smiled. "Anyway, I'll let you get to bed now. Goodnight, Tonks."
"'Night, Remus. Thanks again for the blanket and clothes." He nodded, then slipped into the room next to hers, quietly shutting the door.
She pulled on the clothing he had given her; the joggers were comically long on her legs and the jumper was rather worn, but it was quite soft and warm and smelled clean and faintly woodsy.
She was pleasantly surprised to find that the mattress wasn't as lumpy as she had anticipated it to be; settling down in the bed, she found herself thinking back on her conversation with Remus earlier. She hoped some of what she'd said had gotten through that thick head of his; he really was a sweetheart, she thought with another yawn, eyes becoming heavy with sleep; and he'd certainly make someone happy someday if he'd just give himself the chance to do so.
Tonks stirred her tea lazily as she flipped through a tattered edition of Rebecca she'd found in the Grimmauld library. Sirius liked to scoff about this old place, but she had found some real gems here; she wasn't quite sure why muggle classics were popping up in the ancient and most noble house of Black, but she wasn't complaining. She had a feeling this one might be Remus', and she'd be lying to herself if she said that one of the reasons she'd picked it up was so she would have yet another excuse to engage him in conversation next time he was around. She'd figured out at this point that she might have a stupid little crush on her Order colleague, and while she knew she really should not feed it (especially considering it might not be as little as she'd like to think), he just knew so much about so many things; Tonks enjoyed talking to him so much, she'd been looking for any excuse to prolong their discussions.
It was rare to have a moment of peace to just sit and read nowadays, and she found it far more relaxing an activity to carry out in front of the crackling fire in the library, laying upon one of the soft, cracked leather sofas instead of her lonely flat. She was close to nodding off when she suddenly heard the front door open quietly in the hall. Immediately alert, she sat up quickly and reached for her wand, frowning; Sirius had been in a mood all day, and he'd retired to bed early that night; Remus had left shortly after dinner for the part-time job he had nowadays stocking the shelves at some small potion shop in Diagon Alley. She supposed it could be Kingsley or Mad-Eye stopping by for Order business, but that would be unlikely at this hour.
She heard a quiet thud and a muffled "fucking hell" from the hallway, and her frown deepened. It sounded like Remus, but she'd hardly ever heard him curse like that, and when she glanced at her watch she found it was far too early for him to be back from his shift already. Her question was answered, however, when the door to the library opened rather abruptly and she saw that it was, in fact, Remus, still wearing his winter cloak, hair plastered to his forehead from the icy sleet that'd been pummeling London all evening.
He stopped short as soon as he saw her sitting on the sofa. "Oh - Nymphadora. I didn't realize you were in here, I'm sorry." He was clutching what looked to be a piece of parchment in one fist, wand in the other. "Sorry, I'll just -" he started backing towards the door again. She could tell immediately from the look on his face when he walked in that something was wrong, though he'd smiled pleasantly as soon as he realized she was there.
"Hey, no, why don't you come in and join me?" she said quickly. "Is everything okay?"
"No, no, everything is fine," he replied. "I didn't mean to bother you, I can see that you're reading. I'll just -"
"Remus, stop being ridiculous. You're soaked, just come sit by the fire for a minute, at least. I could use the company." She closed her book and patted the spot next to her. "Wasn't getting much reading done from behind my eyelids, anyway. The fire's warm. Come on."
His mouth twisted into a small smile. "Alright then." He made his way across the room, shrugging off his cloak onto a nearby chair before collapsing on the sofa next to her with a small sigh. He was still holding that piece of parchment in his hand.
"There, that's not so bad, is it?" She tried not to think about how close they were sitting. Close enough that if she squinted, she might see small droplets of water clinging to his fringe and his eyelashes from what looked to have been his very prolonged walk home.
He closed his eyes as he leaned his head back against the back of the sofa. "It does feel nice. The weather is absolutely horrid tonight." He continued to sit silently for a moment, stretching his legs out to be closer to the fire; tiny tendrils of steam rose from the hems of his trousers as the heat dried them out. She curled her legs up underneath her, watching him closely; that frown line had appeared between his brows again, and she had the sudden urge to touch his face and smooth all the worry away.
Tonks chewed her lip; she wasn't sure if she should ask, or wait for him to continue speaking. She had a feeling she knew what was wrong; he wasn't supposed to be back from work for another two or three hours, which must mean that -
"Everything is fine, I'm fine, but I was sacked."
Her stomach sank, though her suspicions had been correct. "Those bastards," she replied. "What did they say? Did they really make you come all the way out there to get one last bit of labor out of you before they did it? And why are you so wet?"
He shook his head, eyes still closed as he held out the hand fisting the parchment. "I showed up and my key no longer worked. This was posted on the door. I decided to walk for a bit before apparating back here."
Brows knitting together, she took the scrap from his hand and unfolded it. It was a "help wanted" advert for his job position, with one sentence enlarged and bolded at the bottom: "Werewolves and other half-breeds need not apply."
She stared down at the parchment. "What the fuck?"
"I must admit," he said, "I'm used to it. But they used to sack me in-person. Or at the very least, a personalized letter. This is a new one." He'd opened his eyes again, and was peering into the flames thoughtfully. Then he turned to give her a rather sad smile. "I'm sorry for being such a downer. It's not a big deal. I've been sacked plenty of times before."
"Remus, why are you apologizing? Of course it's a big deal! What utter tossers - they can't -"
"They can, it's perfectly legal. And most shops don't want werewolves around their wares and customers. It was only a matter of time. I'd just hoped this time around it would last a bit longer, is all."
"Legal doesn't make it right! And they were already making you work nights so that you didn't come into contact with customers! Which is also bullshit, if you ask me -"
"It's just the way things are, Tonks." He sounded tired.
"But that doesn't make it okay!" she exclaimed, frustrated. "I know you think I'm naive, it's just that you deserve so much better than this. I mean, you know that, don't you?" He didn't respond. "Remus. You know that, right?"
"I would never think you're naive. And I appreciate your kind words."
She rolled her eyes. "I'm not just saying all this just to make you feel better, you know. You're my friend, I care about you. You know I mean it, right? I want you to acknowledge that you deserve better."
He sighed. "I shouldn't have taken their advert. Maybe I should go return it. They'll need to keep it posted so they can find someone else to fill the position."
"Maybe you should go return -" Tonks looked at him in disbelief. "Remus. Do you hear yourself? Sod their advert, we're burning it."
"Tonks -"
"Nope. Goodbye." She tossed the parchment in the fire, and they watched as it crinkled in on itself and began to turn to ash. She was pleased to see the slightest hint of satisfaction on his face. "You're allowed to be angry, you know."
"I'm not angry," he said wearily, looking up at the ceiling. "I mean - I suppose I am, just a little a bit. And as I said, I am used to it, but it just…it never gets any less humiliating, Tonks," he finished quietly. "What kind of thirty five year old man can't even hold down a part-time job? They were barely even paying me living wages to begin with. I was practically free labor and they still didn't want me."
"Hey," she replied sternly. "It is not a reflection on you and anyone who would think so is mad. They're a bunch of bigots and I've a right mind to go tell them to stick their offensive job adverts right up their -"
"Tonks." There was a hint of exasperated amusement in his voice now, at least.
"I know, I know. I'll leave well enough alone. There will be no adverts rammed up any arses this time." He snorted. "Just...do not blame yourself for this, alright? It worries me. I wish you saw yourself the way our friends do. The way Sirius and I do."
He looked away from her abruptly. "I'm going to go make some tea. Would you like some tea?" She knew that this was his way of coping with stress, but she also knew it was his way of avoiding talking about things that really needed to be talked about.
"Nope. Uh uh. You can't escape my lavishing of unsolicited praise upon you that easily." She caught his arm as he started to stand, and he fell back into the settee with an amused look on his face. "Here. I already made some tea, let's share. But you have to stay here." She pushed the blue mug she'd been nursing into his hands. "Now let me continue what I was going to say. You are one of the kindest, cleverest, funniest -"
"Tonks," he muttered, rolling his eyes. "Please don't, this is completely unnecessary."
"The more you interrupt me, the longer the list of your admirable qualities is going to get."
"I'm also an impoverished werewolf. Is that going to appear anywhere on this so-called list?" he snapped.
"Yeah, you might have mentioned that once or twice. Doesn't cancel out any of the other things, though."
"But the other things don't matter if I turn into a monster each month -"
"Jesus christ, you need to learn how to take a compliment. I have never met a wizard as awful at taking a compliment as you, it's maddening. And I will actually smack you if you call yourself a monster in front of me ever again. You are infuriating." She gestured threateningly at the mug in his hands. "Now drink the tea, I mean it. I'm not letting you fetch your own. If you want tea we've got to share. Because you're going to stay here and let me finish. You are absolutely bloody brilliant and anyone who doesn't see that is a dim-witted pillock. That shop doesn't deserve you, anyway. Your talents were wasted on them."
He glared at her for a moment before some of the tension seemed to melt from his shoulders; he sat back slightly and gave her an odd look, as if he were amazed by something. "Thank you," he replied finally. "I'm still...not quite sure others will ever see it that way, but I'm lucky to have a friend like you. You're so...you're such a good person." He finally took a small sip of tea, peering at her intently over the rim of the cup. His brows knit together as he appeared to be thinking about something. As had been happening more and more often as of late, she found her breath hitch the slightest bit in her throat as she met his eyes. Something about the way he was looking at her now was different. "You know," he murmured after another swallow of tea, "you're a very special person, Nymphadora."
They stared at each other for a moment. She'd been wondering if he felt it, too; the tension. Whenever they were on an Order mission and they were pressed together in the underbrush on the perimeter of some Death Eater haunt; or whenever their eyes met, both of them smirking at some unspoken joke at Snape's expense during an Order meeting; when their arms brushed against each other during dinner (especially once she'd realized he was left-handed, and had taken to sitting in the seat to his left, increasing the frequency of their bumps and brushes); or all those nights playing chess over tea or firewhiskey, usually with Sirius, but nowadays more often than not extending far past whatever time of night Sirius excused himself and retired to bed. She knew now, from the way he was looking at her, that he'd felt it too.
She wasn't sure who moved first, but the mug he'd been holding went tumbling to the ground as they launched themselves towards each other. Suddenly she was straddling his lap; his hands flew up to tightly grip her waist, pulling her body flush against his as she pressed him back into the sofa. She wound her fingers through his hair, urgently pressing her mouth to his in a searing kiss.
"The tea," he managed to gasp as their lips slid together.
"Don't care," she murmured, hands stroking down the back of his neck and his shoulders before she grabbed his face and crushed her lips to his again. She moaned quietly as he caught her bottom lip between his teeth, sucking gently on it before he pulled back again, his breathing ragged.
"Dora - the tea -"
"Why are you still thinking about the bloody tea right now?" She slowly and deliberately rolled her hips against his, smirking as he jerked upwards and let out a groan. "I don't know about you, but I've been thinking about this for ages."
"It's just - the carpet -"
She rolled her eyes. "Merlin, Remus, you're so annoying sometimes. Don't make me take back all those nice things I just said about you. " She twisted around in his lap, producing her wand and pointing it at the spilled tea in one fluid motion. "Evanesco." With another wave of her wand, the mug landed softly on the edge of the table behind them. Satisfied, she turned back around. "Better now?" He was grinning, a slightly dazed look in his eyes. She couldn't help but grin back. He was adorable when he really, truly smiled. Even when he was being annoying.
"Much," he breathed. "Now where were we?" He leaned forward to press his lips to her throat, hands splayed across her lower back. She could barely form a coherent thought now as he worked his way up to the tender spot just underneath her jawline, sucking softly on the skin there. "Here?"
She swallowed, trying and failing miserably to stifle a rather undignified noise that managed to escape her throat. "Yeah, I think we were somewhere around there," she replied, forgetting to be embarrassed at the breathiness of her voice as he gently tugged on her earlobe with his teeth. She still couldn't quite believe this was happening; she thought she'd wanted him for awhile now, but she'd figured it was a silly little fantasy that would stay relegated to the corner of her mind that she visited when she was lying awake at night or sitting in the bath. She rocked her hips against his again, instinctively this time, and his hands tightened on her waist.
"You can't keep doing that," he groaned.
"What'll you do about it? What if I do this?" She shoved her hand in between them to tug at his shirt where it was tucked into his trousers, and she felt her fingers brush against clear evidence that he was enjoying this little snogging session as much as she was. His eyes bolted open, and suddenly he moved to shift her off his lap. She felt her heart stop for a moment - maybe she'd gone too far.
"Sorry -" she gasped
He shook his head. "Upstairs?" he managed, his breathing ragged as he stood rather unsteadily and held out a hand to help her up from the couch. She nodded so quickly she thought her head might fall off, grabbing his hand and hauling herself up. They stumbled backwards, and she heard a thud as the mug fell from the table.
"Dora, the t-"
"I know, I know, the bleeding tea! Evanesco!" she snapped, then stopped short as she stared at the spot where the mug had just been lying on the carpet. "Oh, bugger. That was Sirius' favorite mug, wasn't it? And I've just vanished it."
"Oh, dear. Yes, I'm afraid it was. And now it's quite gone." Remus met her eyes, and the look on his face was so grave that she felt laughter bubbling up in her chest before she could stop it.
Suddenly she was laughing, letting out great loud snorts, and Remus watched her in slight shock for just a second before his shoulders started to shake with laughter, too.
"It was rather ugly though, wasn't it?" she hiccoughed. "Maybe I've done him a favor."
"He drinks out of that bloody mug every morning, there's no way he's not going to notice it's just disappeared -"
She let out another shriek of laughter. "Oh Merlin, he's going to kill us -"
"Us?" Remus arched an eyebrow at her, suddenly managing to get his breathing back under control, though the corner of his mouth was twitching rather uncontrollably. "I believe it was you who vanished the mug, Nymphadora."
"Only because you were distracting me! If you hadn't been sitting there looking all - looking all disheveled and damp and bookish and sexy -"
"Looking all what?"
"Oh, stop fishing for compliments, you heard what I said. The whole sexy rumpled professor thing you've got going on, don't act like you don't know," she snapped. His shoulders were shaking with laughter again. "Anyway, I don't really care about that right now. We're in London, which last I checked, did have a shop or two somewhere. I am very certain we'll find another blue mug and we can replace what we've destroyed. But let's discuss that plan later. What was it you were saying about going upstairs?"
Suddenly, the laughter disappeared, and he was looking at her the same way he had been looking at her over the tea just a few minutes ago. She grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the library door, nearly tripping over her feet in her haste to get to the stairs.
After what seemed like an eternity they finally reached his bedroom; they were delayed only slightly by a quick stop in the hallway by the front door, where Tonks couldn't resist pressing him against the wall for another hot, desperate open-mouthed kiss. Remus had barely closed the door before she had thrown herself on the bed, pulling him down with her. He continued to kiss her enthusiastically, tongue sliding against hers until she reached for the hem of his shirt again; and then she felt him slow down, hesitation creeping into his movements.
"Dora," he said, shifting to look her in the eyes, "are you - I just want to be absolutely certain that you -"
"Yes," she said simply. "Are you?"
"Of course. Yes, of course I want to," he replied breathlessly, kissing her soundly again. "It's just -" He started to roll off of her, smiling slightly when she hooked a leg around his waist to keep his weight on her. "I know that werewolves don't often make the top of someone's 'want-to-shag' list, so I need to know that you're -"
"If we're talking about my want-to-shag list specifically, no, I can't say that many random werewolves are at the top of it, but Remus Lupin happens to be," she replied, looking at him defiantly. "Number one on my list for awhile now, in fact, so if you'd be so kind as to help me achieve-"
She smiled against his lips as he pressed them against hers again with a quiet groan, apparently having received all the convincing he needed.
Tonks awoke early the next morning, slightly disoriented as she tried to figure out why the walls looked different from her bedroom at home and why she was being pressed down into the mattress by something heavier and warmer than her duvet. She realized with a sudden snap into clearer consciousness that she was in Remus' bedroom, and the man in question had an arm and a leg draped over her, his deep, even breathing slightly ruffling the hair on the back of her neck. His breath hitched as soon as she stirred, however, and she turned to see Remus opening his eyes, slowly at first, then with a suddenness that startled her, as if he hadn't expected her to be there.
"Good morning, Nymphadora," he rasped, his sleep-ridden voice slightly attenuated by his wide eyes. "Are you - how are you feeling?"
"Absolutely fantastic," she replied, wriggling around so that she could face him completely. She pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "And how are you feeling?" He looked slightly dazed.
"Good," he replied. "Very good. Erm…"
"Are you okay?"
"Yes, sorry. I just...sorry, I'm rather surprised you're still here," he replied. "Pleasantly, of course. I'm glad you're here."
She frowned. "What kind of person do you think I am? You think I would just up and leave in the middle of the night after all that?"
He blushed. "I...no, I didn't think you would. Sorry, I just…"
"I thought I made it quite clear last night how much I rather like you, Remus."
"No, no, you did," he said sheepishly. "It's just...sorry. It's me. It's a me problem. I'm not doubting you. It's just that I've never before slept with a woman who...who knew what I was beforehand, that's all. It's just taking me a moment to get used to that idea."
"What, a woman who knows you're a Welshman? I thought that'd be quite apparent by your accent, really."
He rolled his eyes. "No, not that."
"The fact that you're brought up Catholic, then? I can't pretend to know too much about muggle religion and even then, Dad's raised Anglican, but I can get past it."
"Nymphadora." He was fighting back a smile now, at least, the wary fear in his eyes slowly receding, at least temporarily.
"Right. Now you realize how ridiculous you sound, then? And now you have slept with a woman who knows and doesn't give a shit, and I'd quite like to do it again sometime soon, if you're game."
A smile spread slowly across his face, blush spreading quicker. "I - yes, I would like that."
"Good." She kissed him again. "What are your plans for today?"
"Well, I owe Dumbledore a report from my meeting in Cornwall last week with my liaison to the werewolf pack there; I should likely finish that today. Other than that, the usual daily challenge of keeping Sirius from going stark raving mad. You?"
"I have the day off today, but I have a load of paperwork I need to get done. I was thinking maybe we can have some breakfast then I can join you in the library? I promise I'll let you actually get work done. I really have far too much work to get through, I just figure it might be nicer with some good company." With anyone else, she would feel safe enough making plans for the next day or even later that week; with Remus, she wanted him to remain absolutely sure of the fact that she wanted to be around him.
He smiled. "I'd like that." He flopped back into his pillow. "Speaking of breakfast, however, in case he's already awake, I think we should - er - perhaps stagger our arrivals to the kitchen so that Sirius doesn't do the thing he normally does."
"What, pry far too deeply into other people's business in the most inappropriate and uncouth of ways?"
"Precisely that, yes."
"Right." She grinned. "He did know I was planning on crashing here last night so it makes it slightly easier to explain, but why don't you go down first then I'll come down in a few minutes? I'd like to take a shower anyway and you'll be quicker."
"Alright, then." He started to swing his legs out of the bed, then to her delight he leaned back down and gave her a kiss, smiling as he stood. "See you at breakfast."
When she finally made her way down to the kitchen, she was greeted by the smell of frying eggs, bacon, and sausages and was surprised to see Remus sitting at the table, an overflowing plate already in front of him, while Sirius flipped a frying pan on the stove.
"Wotcher, Sirius. This smells lovely."
"Don't sound so shocked," he shot back over his shoulder. "Woke up ravenous and knew Moony would just make toast again, so I took matters into my own hands. Sleep well last night?"
"Yes, I slept very well, thanks." She caught Remus' eye over the copy of the Daily Prophet he was currently scanning, and was pleased to see the slightest of smirks appear on his face. She slipped into the chair across from him as Sirius slid a heavily laden plate in front of her, along with a fresh cup of coffee. "You really went all out, mate, cheers. This looks fantastic."
"Yeah, well, might want to taste it first. Though I do believe my cooking's vastly improved over the last few months. Hasn't it, Moony?"
"In leaps and bounds."
"Poor git nearly choked on the first meal I attempted to make in this miserable kitchen. But that's just because he hasn't spent as much time eating rat as I have, truly anything tastes better than that."
"You don't know that."
Sirius scoffed. "Look at yourself. Men who wear cardigans with such alarming frequency as you don't eat rats, no matter how dire their circumstances." He returned to the counter and started rummaging through the cupboards. "Say, have either of you seen my mug?"
"Which mug?" Remus replied, eyes ceasing to move across the page he was reading.
"That blue mug with the white polka dots? The one I use every morning."
"I haven't seen it since you last used it," Remus replied at the same time that Tonks blurted out, "It's gone." Remus looked at her briefly, muscles in his cheeks working furiously to keep a straight expression, then he held up the newspaper to completely obscure his face.
Sirius turned around, eyebrows raised. "What do you mean, it's gone?"
Tonks glanced over at the Daily Prophet that faced her across the table and realized that she was on her own with this one. "I - er - well, I used it for tea last night, and I broke it. And now it's gone."
"You do realize you're a witch, right? And you can rather easily repair things that you've broken? The wonders of magic. I watch you do it all the time."
"It - er - well, maybe 'broke' isn't quite the right word to describe it. I dropped it - almost punted it, really - and it hit the floor so hard it kind of...exploded. Just disintegrated. There was no saving it, really, so I just had to...vanish it."
Sirius' brow furrowed slightly. "Right," he said slowly.
"I'll get you a new one, promise."
"I had a sentimental attachment to that particular one, you know."
"Oh I'm sorry, was it a treasured Black family heirloom?" she replied sarcastically, gratified to hear Remus snort from behind his paper.
"No, I'm just particularly fond of polka dots," Sirius shot back, grinning as Tonks rolled her eyes and threw a piece of toast at him.
"Git. I really will get you a new one."
"Don't worry about it, Nymphadora."
"Don't call me -"
"Right, right. Sorry." Sirius pulled a different cup out of the cupboard, joining them at the table once he'd poured his coffee. "Tell me something I've been wondering about though, Tonks," he said, tone genial as he focused on stuffing a forkful of egg into his mouth. "Why can't I call you Nymphadora?"
"We've been over this, Sirius. No one is allowed to call me that. Even my favorite cousin."
"What about Dora?"
"Only my dad's allowed to call me that, you know that," she replied automatically. "Why? What's wrong with just Tonks?" Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the Daily Prophet start to descend slowly across the table.
"It's just funny," Sirius continued. "Because I could have sworn that I heard someone calling you Dora last night. It sounded a bit like Moony, in fact. Quite loudly, too." Remus had lowered the newspaper completely now, and he met her eyes from across the table, a horrified expression dawning on his face. "And what's even funnier is that I heard it coming from his bedroom, at one in the morning, and it even sounded like he might have been in the middle of fuc-"
"If you finish that sentence the rest of that beautifully fried egg will end up in an undesirable location, Sirius," Remus cut in through gritted teeth.
Sirius shrugged nonchalantly, shoveling more sausage into his mouth. Tonks felt her face heat up as she focused furiously on her own plate. "Er -"
"I'm just saying," her cousin continued in that infuriatingly matter-of-fact tone, "you two might want to remember the silencing charm next time you shag. There'll be children in the house in a matter of weeks, and I know for certain that they do not want to know what their beloved professor's name sounds like when it's invoked in the throes of passion-"
"Alright, that's enough," Tonks snapped, throwing another piece of toast at Sirius as he sniggered. "So we forgot, alright? We were a bit - er - caught up in things."
"I'll say." Sirius grinned at Remus, who rather looked like he'd love nothing more than to have the ground open up and swallow him whole. "It's really alright, though. I managed to fall back asleep eventually. I would have knocked and reminded you two to keep it down, but I didn't want to interrupt and ruin anything, not really. Not only for you two lovebirds, but also seeing as it's my duty to the Order," he added casually.
Remus met her eyes, silently pleading with her not to bite, a plea which she stupidly ignored. "What d'you mean, your duty to the Order?" she asked suspiciously.
"Oh, it's just that it's been unbearable being around you two lately. Sexual tension as thick as Molly's lamb stew. I think even Snape's picked up on it, cold fish that he is. Thought I'd have to lock you both in the pantry so you could just get on with it up against the wine shelf. But you got there on your own, and in a proper bed at that! So now that you two are finally on your way to shagging it out, we'll all be able to just relax and -"
"Remus, what do you say we go looking for that mug now?" she said abruptly, setting down her fork and knife. He quickly folded up his paper, pushing back from the table.
"Yes, that charity shop down the road might have something, best we get there soon as it opens."
"You can't buy my silence with a new mug. But I'm such a good friend, I'll put warming charms on your plates. Finish your breakfast when you get back, loves. You'll need to refuel if you're trying for another round that's anything like last night's." Sirius tapped his chin thoughtfully with a long finger. "Blimey, Moony, it was impressive, really. No offense, but I know it's been awhile, so here was poor old Sirius, lying sleepless in his bed thinking, 'at least it'll be over soon.' But I really underestimated you, and for that I owe you my deepest apologies. You just kept on -"
"Okay, bye," Tonks said loudly, taking the stairs two at a time out of the kitchen, Remus close on her heels as Sirius' cackles followed them up to the front door.
"Sorry about that, I knew he would do that," Remus muttered.
"Oh, it's fine. That saves us having to figure out how to tell him, anyway. He really is in top form this morning, though, how does he do it?" Remus scoffed. "So do you think that charity shop is open already?"
"Er - I'm not sure there really is a charity shop down the street, to be honest, I just said that to escape the conversation."
She laughed. "To be fair, Sirius was right; we do both have wands and magical abilities; convenient, that. I'm sure we could perhaps snatch another cup from the cupboard and charm some polka dots onto it. Might save us some trouble."
"That's not a bad suggestion, though I'm rather reluctant to go back down to the kitchen just yet," Remus replied.
"Why don't we just go back upstairs, then?" She gave him a mischievous grin, and he blushed as he realized what she was implying.
"Tonks, I -"
"And after that, I promise to let you get your work done, Professor." She stepped closer to him, sliding her arms around his neck. "I rather want to hear you call me Dora again," she purred into his ear, playing with the hair at the back of his neck. Some sort of choked noise escaped from his throat and she pulled back to see his blush had deepened. She raised an eyebrow, and all he could do was nod, wide-eyed as she grabbed his hand and started to pull him back up the stairs, laughing as she thought to herself that the look on his face when he realized he was being seduced made all of Sirius' teasing entirely worth it.
Tensions were high at the Order meeting that night, as they often had been lately. Even though tonight's group was rather small, everyone kept talking over one another and Tonks could tell that beneath his usual composure, Remus was getting frustrated. He'd been leading the meeting since neither Mad-Eye nor Dumbledore could make it, and for the third time that evening the agenda had been derailed for a heated discussion regarding Mundungus Fletcher's role in a certain assignment to gather intelligence.
"We've been over this, Snivellus, Dung is the only one who can do this one."
"I just don't see why we are entrusting a petty criminal with the task of handling such a potentially helpful informant," Snape replied in an oily tone.
"We continue to trust you against our better judgment, don't we?"
"That's enough, Sirius," Remus admonished wearily. Sirius sat back in the chair next to him with a huff, turning his head to glare into the fire instead, though it had dwindled to nearly embers at this point. "Severus, I must say I agree with Sirius on this one -"
"Shocking," Snape sneered.
"I agree with Sirius," Remus continued as if he hadn't been interrupted, "because it really does not make any sense for anyone else here to go in his stead. Mundungus has the right connections to be showing up to a meeting like this; it would raise suspicion if someone else were to turn up."
"I'm with Remus and Sirius on this as well, Severus," Arthur agreed, nodding. Ugly splotches of red started to appear on Snape's cheeks as the other Order members around the table murmured their assent. "I know Mundungus is - well - he has his issues, but there really hasn't been any reason for us to suspect -"
"I'm sorry if it comes as a surprise that I don't trust a poor excuse for a wizard who spends most of his time sleeping in the gutters of Knockturn Alley," Snape spat, lip curling as he kept his gaze on Remus, "but I must say I don't quite trust the judgment of one who spends a night each month running around in the forest on all fours, either."
Remus' jaw clenched slightly as Sirius nearly vaulted out of his chair, reaching for his wand. "How dare you speak to him like that -"
"Sirius, please, sit down," Remus said desperately, trying to pull Sirius back down into his seat. Tonks had sat bolt upright in her chair as well when Remus met her eyes, silently pleading with her not to say anything that would fan the flames. "Sirius -"
"You want me to sit down? For once in your goddamn life, Moony, would you stick up for yourself?" The two men glared at each other before Sirius dropped heavily back into his seat with a snort of disgust.
"Sirius is right, Severus, that was wholly unnecessary," Molly added curtly, eyes flashing. Despite the circumstances, Tonks was rather pleased that the other Order members were visibly indignant on his behalf. Remus needed all the convincing he could get that everyone here (well, nearly everyone - Snape excluded) respected him; Tonks just wished it didn't take Snape's cruelty for it to happen.
"I'm simply pointing out," Snape continued with a sneer, "that while we are examining potentially questionable allegiances, I just find it odd that no one else seems to think -"
"Severus," Remus cut in loudly above the angry grumblings that were starting to arise from others at the table, "if you still have such strong reservations, I am certainly not opposed to checking with Dumbledore to see if -"
"Yes, go running to Dumbledore," Snape snarled. "While we are on the subject of trust, does no one else really wonder at the fact that despite anyone else's better judgment, the headmaster has always been rather overly-fond of his pet wol-"
"If you finish that sentence, I swear to god I will hex your greasy nose off," Sirius roared, leaping to his feet again as Remus rolled his eyes.
"Sit down, Sirius," Remus snapped, yanking so hard on Sirius' sleeve that Tonks thought it might rip. He turned to Snape again; his face had drained of any color, but his eyes were flashing with uncharacteristic anger. "Dumbledore is the one who set the roster for this assignment, so yes, if you so strongly believe we should change it, you'll have to consult with him, Severus. I'm sure he'd be more than happy to hear your concerns."
Snape glared at him for just a moment before standing abruptly. "As it so happens, I am on my way to meet him regarding another matter this evening. I must be going."
"Perfect. Do let us know if the roster needs to be changed, then," Remus replied shortly.
Snape sneered at him. "Don't forget to take your potion, Lupin," he snapped before sweeping out of the room.
"Of course I won't," Remus replied quietly, though Snape had already gone. He quickly looked round at the table, flushing slightly to see that all eyes were on him before dropping his gaze to the pile of parchment in front of him. He cleared his throat awkwardly and set about straightening the already overly-tidy pile. "Right. Where were we?"
"Remus -" Hestia started gently.
"We are quite behind schedule now, and I know everyone here has lives they'd like to get to, so let's just get back to the agenda, shall we?" he continued loudly. Hestia turned her head to throw a concerned glance at Tonks, who gave the slightest shake of her head when their eyes met. She and Remus had been seeing each other for only a few months now, and sometimes she was still slightly surprised when other Order members deferred to her as the person who knew him best; though she supposed that aside from Sirius, she had quickly become that person.
The curly haired witch cleared her throat. "Yes, I believe Emmeline and I were to give our report on the meeting held at the Selwyn residence last week?"
"Right. Thank you, Hestia. Go on." Remus nodded.
The meeting finished in a rather anticlimactic fashion; as soon as it had come to an end, Sirius stormed out. Tonks made her way over to Remus, who was fussing rather absent-mindedly with his pile of parchment again.
"Remus?" she said softly, touching his shoulder.
He looked up at her. "I need to have a quick word with Sturgis about something. Why don't you go see where Sirius went off to? He's likely in the library." She raised her eyebrows, and his expression softened. "It's okay, Tonks. I'll be up in a few minutes. Alright?"
"Okay," she said dubiously, but Sturgis had started to make his way to their side of the table, so she did what he suggested and headed up the stairs. Sure enough, when she entered the library, Sirius was brooding in front of the fire, a glass of whiskey already in hand. "Hey, mate. Mind if I join?" she asked. Sirius looked back at the doorway, giving a quick shake of his head.
Tonks sank down into one of the sofas by the fire, murmuring her thanks as Sirius silently handed her a glass of firewhiskey. She took a swallow, wincing slightly as the alcohol burned its way down her throat. "Pity our meetings aren't always that exciting, eh?"
"I don't even know why that slimy piece of shit is allowed to be here," Sirius spat. Tonks cringed; she supposed Remus had asked her to come up here with the idea that she'd help talk Sirius down, but it was bothering her, too.
"What is up with all that, anyway? I mean, I know Snape's a git, and I've never liked him, don't get me wrong. But he was particularly foul tonight and there was absolutely no reason to be. He wouldn't have reacted that way if Arthur had been leading the meeting." She chewed on her lip. "And why does Remus let Snape treat him like such shit?"
Sirius gave her a grin that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Have you heard the boggart story?"
She snorted. "Of course I have. I think I've heard it from each of the Weasley kids at least twice. What I would give to see that, believe me." She took another sip of her drink, clearing her throat with a small cough. "I mean...that can't be it though, right? No offense, I know you and Snape have never exactly been friends, but Remus is never anything but polite to him and he just treats him like absolute shit in return. Why? There's got to be something else going on there. Did something happen when you all were at school?"
Sirius closed his eyes briefly, exhaling heavily through his nose. "Yes, something did happen when we were at school." When he opened them again, he looked directly at her, a strange look in on his face. "Remus told you that we sort of...saw each other for a bit while we were in school, yeah?"
"He did, but what's that have to do with Snape?" she asked, confused.
Sirius waved a hand. "It's related. Somewhat. Did he tell you why we...why it ended?"
"No, not really. I mean, he mentioned you could be a bit of a berk -" Sirius snorted "- but aside from that, no, he just made it sound as if you two drifted apart, and then with everything that happened in the first war…" she trailed off.
Sirius heaved a sigh. "I was a git most of the time I was in school, but that's not...look, I broke his trust in a massive way. Like, the biggest way."
"Did you cheat on him?"
"Merlin, no. Far worse than that." He looked down into his firewhiskey. "God, you're going to think...okay. It was during our sixth year, I had a lot of stuff going on. Family stuff. I was a berk, that's not a lie. And it didn't help that Snape was sticking that stupid nose of his fucking everywhere. Drove me absolutely mad. Always asking where we were off to, why Remus disappeared so often, why he was ill all the time, shit like that. And obviously all that was interspersed with the usual insults, he wasn't interested because he wanted to know more about our lives. So one day…" he took a shuddering breath. "One day, I'd had enough. I can't remember how the conversation started, he'd found me walking by the Great Lake. He was trying to get a rise out of me, as he usually was. I didn't care much what he had to say about me. I was used to it, I always had some smart-arse response ready. But he said something again about Remus. He said, 'How many secrets does Lupin need to keep? Now that the entire school knows he's a poof, what else could he have to hide?' And I just snapped. I think because he'd said something about Remus, I convinced myself that I was defending him or some stupid shit like that. But obviously if I had been really thinking about Remus in all this, I wouldn't have done it. I was...it was pure selfishness. I was annoyed and I really just wanted to hurt Snape." He paused, swirling the firewhiskey around in his glass.
Tonks nodded encouragingly at him to continue. "What did you do?"
"I told him that if he was so interested in our affairs, he could find out where Remus went if he followed him to the Whomping Willow the next night. The next night was the full moon. I told him how he could get in. And...he almost did. James found out what I'd done and ran in after him to pull him out before he...before he came into contact with Remus. Who had already transformed in the Shrieking Shack."
Tonks' hand flew to her mouth before she could stop it. "Sirius, how could you?" she whispered.
He laughed bitterly. "That's exactly what Remus said." He took a long draught of his drink. "I went to see him in the Hospital Wing the next morning. Madam Pomfrey ended up kicking me out because he was recovering from his transformation and when he saw me, he...started crying. I still remember the look on his face when he saw me. And I immediately regretted what I had done." He shook his head. "I mean, not what could have happened to Snape. He could have died for all I care." Tonks could barely suppress the shiver that passed through her at the cold, hardened look on his face as he said this. She knew he meant it. "But Remus' reaction was…I didn't even realize how badly I'd fucked up at first, that was the thing. James was yelling at me all morning and I thought he was overreacting. Told him to fuck off, thought I would go see Remus, apologize, he would be mad at me for a bit, maybe a bit of the old cold shoulder and then that would be it. Then I actually went to go see Remus and..." he swallowed convulsively. "I'd hardly seen him yell before. About anything. He was always so calm and quiet; I know it's hard to believe, knowing my disposition, but it's one of the things I liked most about him, that drew me to him. I think you may be able to relate." Sirius gave her a faint smile. "Anyway, I came to see him in the hospital wing. He could barely sit up but I just remember that he was yelling at me that he couldn't believe I'd use him like that for a petty prank when I knew that he trusted me, that he…that he would kill himself if he ever hurt anyone. If he had bitten or killed Snape. I don't think I quite realized until that moment how much what I had done would hurt Moony, too."
Tonks was still wondering what exactly this had to do with Snape's outburst today - this was so many years ago, after all, and Remus still hadn't done anything to him in this story to justify a decades-old grudge - but she listened quietly. She could tell this had been weighing on Sirius for a long time, and lord knows he needed to let out some of the shit that had been pent up inside him for so long. She reached out impulsively to grab his hand. Sirius looked down, as if he was startled that she was still there. But he continued, his hand laying loosely in her grasp. "I still don't know if he knows how much I regret it. And then with the war, we both suspected each other of being a spy and...well, anyway. You asked about Snape. He thought Remus had something to do with it, even though it was all me. He doesn't believe that Remus wasn't in on it. That's part of the reason he's such a git. And Remus blames himself even though I'm the one who was a stupid idiot, naturally."
"That's so daft. And yet so Remus."
Sirius snorted. "It is. And that's the worst part of it, what I did. He didn't even do anything but he blames himself because he thinks that if he just wasn't a werewolf, something that's completely out of his control, none of that would have happened. When I'm the one who told Snape where to go." He sighed, setting down his whiskey glass to rub at his face with one hand. "Sorry. I don't know why I'm…"
"No, it's okay, Sirius. Let it out. You obviously need to talk about it, and I'm here to listen, alright?" She squeezed his hand again. "Does Remus know you feel this way about everything? Did you ever talk about it?"
"Not after that, no. We obviously eventually went back to being friends, and - I did love him, you know. I loved him in the way school kids love each other, I guess. Sorry if...sorry if this is weird -"
"It's not weird, I understand," Tonks replied softly. "I know. It's okay, go on."
"I love him still. I mean, not in that way, obviously, or I wouldn't have been pushing so hard for you two to shag." Tonks rolled her eyes. "Just like a mate. The trust was already broken in a way I don't think we could ever fully come back from, even if...everything else hadn't happened, if I hadn't gone to Azkaban. But he's the only true friend I've got left, and he...do you think he knows?" Sirius asked quietly. "Do you think he knows how sorry I am?"
Tonks had rarely heard Sirius speak so vulnerably, and her heart broke slightly at the look on his face. "Why don't you just talk to him?"
"Do you think he'd really want to hear it from me? After so many years? Be honest."
"I think he would," she replied. "I think it'll help both of you."
"Right. Right - I'll talk to him." He let out a slightly shaky laugh. "Jesus - sorry, Tonks. You don't need to hear me sobbing over something that happened between me and your boyfriend when we were sixteen."
"Hey," she said sternly. "I told you I'm here to listen, alright? I care about both of you. I don't want you going crazy in here."
"I'm afraid it's too late for that," Sirius replied quietly. Tonks took a breath to respond, but then suddenly, the door to the library swung open, and they both jumped, turning around to see Remus in the doorway.
"If it isn't my two favorite members of the Black family," he said, smiling.
Sirius snorted. "Nice of you to finally show up." Tonks was almost shocked at how quickly and easily Sirius was able to revert back to his usual sarcasm.
"Forgive me for tending to my responsibilities. Nearly everyone else has gone now, though, and I was going to make some tea. Would either of you fancy a cup?"
"I'll go make it," Tonks replied, jumping up from the sofa.
"It's alright, Tonks," Remus replied, "I'm already up, so I can just -"
"No, I insist. I'll go make it, I forgot my sweater downstairs anyway. Why don't you two catch up?" She threw a pointed look to Sirius, who rolled his eyes but nodded imperceptibly as Remus shrugged and came into the room, taking a seat on the sofa Tonks had just vacated.
She headed down into the kitchen and set the kettle to boil without magic, figuring she would try to give them as much time as possible before it became suspicious. She hoped Sirius would actually say something; it wasn't like him to open up so suddenly, and she figured that this must have been something that'd been weighing on him for awhile, and had only been brought to the forefront by Snape's nastiness earlier that evening.
Once the kettle had boiled, she prepared three cups of tea, setting them on a tray under a warming charm as she sat down at the table. She pulled an abandoned copy of the Daily Prophet over to her, setting to work on that day's crossword.
She didn't realize how absorbed she had become until she heard footsteps and looked up, startled to see Molly Weasley standing in the doorway. "Hi, Molly," she said, setting down her quill. "I didn't realize you were still here."
"Yes, we had gone home already but Arthur left his scarf here," Molly replied, nodding at a scarf draped over the chair a few places down from Tonks at the table. "How are you, dear? I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to chat after the meeting." She sighed. "It was just a long meeting, and Arthur still gets tired rather easily now, so we cleared out fairly quickly once it ended."
"I'm alright, Molly, thanks for asking. How are the kids?"
"Oh, they're fine," Molly replied, picking up her husband's scarf and winding it around her hands. "By the way, dear, Sirius and Remus were asking for you. They're in the library."
"Oh," Tonks said. "Right. I was making tea for us and then got a bit distracted."
"Yes, I know how addicting those crosswords are," Molly said, giving her a small smile. "Well, I must be heading back so that Arthur doesn't start to worry. I will see you on Friday. Take care, dear."
"Bye, Molly."
Tonks managed to make it up the stairs with the tray of tea in one piece, entering the library to find Sirius and Remus chatting and joking so casually that she wondered rather crossly if she had given the two of them all that time alone for nothing.
"Tea service," she said loudly, setting the tray down on a side table and taking a seat next to Remus on the settee. Sirius grinned at her from his chair.
"Thought you forgot how to make tea for a moment, there. Or that you might have drowned in it. We had to send Molly down as a search party."
"Oh, shut up," she snapped. Remus laughed, nudging her knee with his.
"Thank you for the tea, Tonks," he said, reaching out to take a cup. As he ducked his head to take a sip of his tea, Sirius caught her eye and mouthed thank you. She gave him a small nod, smiling as she turned to press a quick kiss to Remus' cheek.
"Mmm. You can properly thank me in private later." Remus coughed, choking slightly on his tea.
Sirius made a noise of disgust. "You two are revolting, you know that?" She rolled her eyes, sticking her tongue out at him. But she could tell from the way Sirius was still looking at her that something had been lifted from his shoulders.
She planted another sloppier kiss on Remus' cheek, laughing as he leaned away, blushing. "C'mon, Sirius, can't I just enjoy spending time with my two favorite boys?"
Sirius made another retching noise. "If that's how you treat all your favorite boys, I don't want it. That's a Black family tradition I'm trying not to follow, thank you."
They spent the rest of the night sipping on tea and firewhiskey in front of the fire, chatting and arguing as Sirius cheated during their game of Exploding Snap. But Tonks was relieved to see that despite the usual moodiness that still crossed his features, Sirius looked the best she'd seen him in months.
Sirius was dead four days later.
A/N: Hey everyone! Hope y'all are doing well and that you and your loved ones are staying safe and healthy. I debated not even addressing this, but I just wanted to drop a quick note because I know some people sometimes get rather upset about certain ships - I have always read both Remus and Tonks as bisexual, and so my headcanon is that Remus and Sirius were together for a bit in school, and then Remus and Tonks fall in love later in life. I know that it's not canon, and that everyone interprets the characters and their relationships differently, but that's my interpretation and that's the beauty of fanfiction, is getting to see all the different ways people flesh out these characters for themselves.
Anyways, if you enjoyed, have any constructive criticism, just want to chat, etc. feel free to leave a review or shoot over a PM! Always happy to chat. Thanks for reading!