Bergamot

by cafei-au-lei

bergamot [ber-guh-mot, -muht] (noun): a small citrus tree, Citrus aurantium bergamia, having fruit with a rind that yields a fragrant essential oil. While Earl Grey tea never was quite Tonks' favorite, there's somehow always a cup to be found somewhere as she tries to get to know Remus a little better. Moments from Remus and Tonks' relationship from OotP through end of HBP.

4. Chapter 4

The Burrow was warm and dry that afternoon, a welcome respite from the miserable drizzle Tonks had put up with throughout her guard duty shift earlier in the day. She shrugged off her Auror's robes and took a seat at the table, quickly charming her shoes dry before she could track any more rainwater and mud through the Weasley household.

"I'm so glad you could stop by for a bit, Tonks, it's always lovely to see you. I've made a pot of Earl Grey." Molly set two cups on the counter. "I hope that's alright, dear?"

"I actually - can I have something else? Sorry, Molly. Only if it's not too much trouble."

"But you always took Earl Grey," Molly replied, looking slightly confused.

"I know. It's just that it's…" Remus' favorite and I really don't want to think about him right now because I feel like I spend all my time now worrying about him and I'm sick of it. Molly must have realized at the same moment, because she suddenly started rummaging in the cupboard and pulling out several varieties of tea.

"How about chamomile, love? Something a bit more soothing."

"Yes, that sounds nice. Thanks, Molly."

"Of course. Here you are." Molly set a steaming mug of tea in front of Tonks, then took a seat across from her at the Burrow's rickety table, fixing her with a look of concern. Tonks quickly looked down. She always found comfort in her regular chats over tea with the Weasley matriarch in their cozy home, but the way Molly looked at her as if she were to fall apart at any second still made her acutely uncomfortable sometimes. Molly seemed to notice - bless her, for as overbearing as her mothering could sometimes be, she always had been extremely observational when it counted - and set about unwrapping a plate of cakes to push towards Tonks. "So, Tonks, how has work been lately?"

"Oh, you know." Tonks stirred her tea apathetically. "The usual. Can't complain. Hogsmeade gets a bit boring but all the nonsense with work has kept me busy, at least."

Molly tutted, stirring a cube of sugar into her tea. "And how are you feeling?"

Tonks gave Molly a half-hearted smile. "As good as I can be, I suppose. I'm really okay."

Molly fixed her with a look of renewed concern. "Have you been eating well, dear? I only ask because, well, I know you don't have much of a kitchen at your room in Hogsmeade, and the Hog's Head's food leaves a lot to be desired. And, well, you just look so...tired." Tonks snorted, and Molly gave her a searching look. "I'm sorry, I don't mean that as an insult. But I want to make sure you're eating enough. I worry about you, love." She reached across the table to pat Tonks' hand reassuringly. "I have some leftover casserole that is quite lovely and easy to reheat, when you leave I'll wrap it up so that you can take it with you. There should be enough there to last you several days. And if you stop by over the weekend, I'll make sure to pack up some pies for you to bring back with you as well."

"Thanks, Molly, I really appreciate it. That sounds perfect." Tonks smiled slightly. "And it's okay, I know I look like shit - sorry - I know I've looked better. I just...things have really been quite stressful at work, and I've also been…I've been worried about..." she sighed. Fuck it. She knew that at some point, Molly was going to bring up the subject, so might as well just dive right in. "Have you heard from Remus at all lately?"

Molly gave her a sympathetic look. "I'm afraid not, dear; last I spoke to Alastor, he was supposed to meet with Dumbledore to discuss his progress at the camp. It sounded like they were perhaps discussing the possibility of...well, I don't know for sure, of course, and we won't know until after he meets with Dumbledore and one of them gives an update to the Order. But it did sound like they were discussing a timeline for terminating his mission." Tonks felt her heart jump into her throat. "But it did also sound like he was planning on staying for at least another month or two before that, likely." Molly tutted again. "He briefly stopped by a month or so ago to pick up some supplies Kingsley had left here for him; I told him to write you at least a small note, but it sounds like he decided not to heed my advice," she continued disapprovingly. "I tried to talk some sense into that man, but -"

"That's no use, believe me," Tonks muttered. "Thanks for trying, though."

"He'll come around, dear. I know it's hard, with him being gone, and I'm sure he's - well, I can't imagine what it's like for him, living at that camp. But once he's back, and he has some time to readjust, you two will sort things out. I know it." Tonks felt her heart break even further at the conviction in Molly's voice.

"It's just...what if I'm wrong, Molly?" She gave a frustrated sigh. "With anyone else, it's like...I know that a breakup is a breakup, right? If one person wants to break up, you can't...you can't force them to be with you. I keep telling myself that this is different, because he says he loves me, but all the reasons he gives for us not being together are all shit - er - stuff I don't care about and I don't know how to keep telling him that. I don't know how to convince him that none of that stuff matters to me. But I can't force Remus to be with me. What if - what if he doesn't - and this feels silly to even say, honestly, because on top of all of this I'm just so worried about him, spending each day not knowing whether or not he's safe. But I also just worry that...what if he doesn't even actually love me? What if I'm humiliating myself, throwing myself at a man who just doesn't know how to let me down easy, even though I keep pestering him? What if he's just being polite - because that would be just like Remus, wouldn't it, he's just so bloody nice all the time -"

"Absolutely not," Molly cut in brusquely. "Tonks, dear, listen to me. I know that Remus is an extraordinarily polite man who puts others' comfort above his own - to a fault - but I know what a man in love looks like." She gave her a warm smile as she took a sip of her tea. "Do you remember - there was that meeting, the year the Order was first reinstated - in September, I believe. Do you remember the first time that Alastor insisted we practice dueling with each other?"

Tonks snorted. "Of course I remember, what a mess. I'm still surprised the drawing room remained intact after what Mundungus and Sirius did to each other."

Molly tutted at the memory, but continued. "Anyway, it sounds long-winded, but there is a point to this story so bear with me. I remember that Remus was paired with Hestia - Arthur and I were practicing right next to them. And I - well, I got winded quite easily, and Arthur and I were taking a small break and decided to watch Remus and Hestia duel, and I remember noticing that Hestia was doing particularly well - either that, or Remus was letting her get some hits in, because - well, I'm not saying that Hestia is not a talented witch, not by any means. But it's common knowledge that Remus is one of the best duelists the Order has. Anyway, she hit him with a particularly strong leg-locker curse, because he overbalanced and nearly knocked me off my feet when he fell." Tonks vaguely remembered hearing a small crash amidst all the rest of the chaos and, glancing over at the opposite end of the room, seeing Hestia frantically apologizing to Remus as she pulled him up off the ground; he'd been grinning sheepishly, brushing himself off once he'd managed to clamber back to his feet.

"I remember that, wasn't that just after Sirius managed to hex Dung so hard that his hat somehow ended up caught in the chandelier?"

"Yes," sniffed Molly. "Anyway, I remember being surprised because of all things she could manage to hit him with - a leg-locking curse is what tripped him up? But then they got back to dueling, and she nearly got him again and so I was wondering what it was that was distracting him so. I thought maybe he wasn't feeling well because of his condition, poor dear, and I almost had half a mind to tell Hestia to go easier on him…" Tonks held back a snort. Remus would have loved that. "But then I was watching him, and I realized he was watching you. Watching you laugh, more specifically." Molly was still smiling, but she had a distant look in her eye now. "It reminded me of the way I used to catch Arthur looking at me sometimes, before we were dating. That was the first moment I suspected there might be something between the two of you."

Tonks flushed. "Sirius had hit Dung with some stupid curse that made his hair grow really fast, I remember Moody nearly bit my head off because I nearly lost it once Dung started tripping over his own nose hair." Even now, she bit back a snigger at the memory, and felt a brief rush of gratitude towards Molly for reminding her of such a time. She and Remus had started to become closer at that point, and that was probably around the time she'd started to suspect she might have fancied him as more than just a friend. She had never realized that the feeling was perhaps mutual that early on, however. She certainly would not have suspected that the sound of her laughter would distract him enough that he'd get knocked around by Hestia Jones during the Order's dueling practice.

Molly was watching her carefully, a faint smile still playing about her lips. "And once you and Remus started...well, once your relationship was out in the open with the rest of the Order, it was apparent to anyone with eyes that the man adores you, Tonks."

Tonks scrubbed a hand down her face, sighing wearily. "Honestly, at this point, all I want...all I want is for him to be safe," she said quietly. "I'm so worried about him, Molly. All the time. It's bloody exhausting. Every time I hear about another attack, or every time Greyback's name floats around, I wonder - I wonder if it's him, if they've finally caught onto him and something's happened, and it's just so horrible not knowing. Every day I wake up and wonder, is today the day I'm going to get the news that Remus is dead? Or maybe it's already happened and I just won't hear about it for weeks because he's so cut off from everyone?" Tonks swiped angrily at the tears that had started to burn in her eyes. She was so sick of crying. "I know it's war. I know this is - I know this is what I signed up for, I guess. I'm just so fucking tired, Molly."

"I know, love," Molly said softly. "Arthur and I worry about him, too. We all do. But Remus is a clever man. He really is one of the brightest wizards that we know. Even Alastor has said so, and you know that's high praise coming from him." She gave Tonks a rather watery smile of her own. "Even if he gets himself into trouble, I have no doubt he'll get himself right out of it."

Tonks sighed. "I hope so. I just -"

They both jumped suddenly as there was a loud banging on the door. Now that the Burrow was serving as Order headquarters, there were several charms and wards set up around the property - it was nearly impossible for anyone who wasn't an Order member to just wander in.

"Were you expecting someone, Molly?" Tonks reached for her wand as Molly frowned, shaking her head. "You stay here. I'll go see who it is."

"Careful, Tonks -"

Tonks reached the door and leaned against it, grasping the knob. "Who is it? Reveal yourself."

"Open the door, girl. Quick." Tonks recognized Moody's gruff voice and opened the door carefully, rolling her eyes.

"You needn't put a hole in the bloody door, Mad-Eye, we would have been able to hear you if you'd just knocked like a regular -" She froze as she saw who was standing behind her mentor. She could barely form a coherent thought as she took in the sight of Moody on the doorstep of the Burrow only slightly obscuring a very startled looking, mud-splattered, and bloody Remus Lupin. "I - what - is everything -"

"Tonks, what is - oh, Merlin," Molly breathed as she came up behind Tonks. "Remus! What's happened to you? Hurry, come in -" Tonks stepped back, throwing the door open wide. Remus started to take a step forward before Moody flung out an arm to stop him, glaring at Tonks.

"Security questions, girl, don't be stupid."

"Is - Remus, what - is everything -"

"I'm okay," Remus replied softly.

"Questions, girl!" Moody snapped.

"Jesus, okay," she retorted. "Erm - what's - what color was my hair the first day of my Auror training?"

"An absolutely obscene shade of orange. And what did I say to you in response?"

"I believe it was something along the lines of, 'I didn't know they were letting carrots sign up to be Aurors nowadays.'"

Moody grunted. "That'll have to do for now. I'll vouch for this one. Might not be able to tell with his mess of a face right now, but he's the real Lupin. Now let us in, quick."

"Okay, but what's - what's going on -"

"It's okay, I'm okay," Remus said hastily as they stepped over the threshold and Molly immediately swarmed him with concern. "It's just - I believe my nose may be broken, but it's not as bad as it looks - I'm sorry about all of the mud, I was - er - knocked down a bit." His voice was thick, and as he spoke Tonks was horrified to see that his teeth were stained red with blood; she couldn't tell if it was from his nose or another injury.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous," Molly clucked. "Now come here - have a seat, Remus."

Tonks shut the door and sealed it again before turning around, feeling equal parts dumbfounded and sick. Molly was herding Remus into Tonks' empty chair at the table, and Moody was stumping around, seemingly looking for something.

"Parchment?" he asked gruffly.

"Oh, yes - right on that table over there, Alastor. Remus, dear, is everything alright?" Molly handed him a warm, damp cloth which he pressed to his face, wincing slightly. Purple bruises were starting to bloom underneath his eyes as he gingerly started to dab at the blood. "Here, love - before you do that, actually - episkey." Molly tapped her wand lightly against his nose; there was a quiet crunch and Remus grunted slightly as the bone reset, then he settled back into the chair, pressing the cloth to his face again.

"Thanks, Molly." He sighed. "I can't - I can't stay long, I have to go back, I just - I needed a safe place to get a note off to Dumbledore - I'm sorry to just show up like this -"

"I won't hear you apologize for coming where it's safe," Molly said sternly. "Now what happened?" Tonks was still standing dumbly by the door; she felt as if she was frozen.

"His cover's been compromised," Moody growled.

"What?"

Remus sighed. "I'm - well, it's not for certain yet. There's...there's a werewolf by the name of Darrow. One of Greyback's favorites. He's had his eye on me for awhile, I believe, thinks there's something off, but he never had much actual proof. I've been very careful around him, tried to keep my head down. Anyway, he overheard me today talking to another one of the werewolves, trying to convince them not to…" Remus trailed off. "Greyback wants to...what he did to the Montgomery child. He was...he's trying to...train the other werewolves. On how to...how to attack children."

"Oh, Merlin." Molly shuddered. "How horrid."

"There's a...strategy to it," Remus continued, voice strained. "Without Wolfsbane, we don't have our minds when we transform, see, and so...you must position yourself near...near a potential victim if you want to…" Remus looked ill. "Anyway, to make a long story short, he's trying to train the rest of the pack. On his 'method,' if you will." Tonks felt a sickening lurch in her stomach as she realized that this was likely how Remus had been targeted and bitten by the same man he'd spent the past year living with. "I was trying to convince...there are a few that I think could have their minds changed. I don't know if their - if their hearts are really in it, I think they just need to know that they could have better - that they don't need to attack children - and they'd walk away, they just need a little more convincing that there are people out there who want to help them, but - anyway. I was trying to convince them to come with me to the woods next full moon, where we'd be away from people, trying to convince them it's better that way, healthier for them. Darrow overheard me, and he thought I was trying to usurp Greyback's authority. Which I suppose is technically true. At the very least I would imagine why it'd sound suspicious. He was - er - not pleased that someone wasn't wholeheartedly supporting Greyback's plans for the pack, and decided to make an example out of me, I suppose." Remus gestured to his nose. "He gets carried away easily, but I managed to get away, and as luck would have it, I was meeting Moody at a dropoff point for some supplies, and so I managed to lay low until he got there, and well...here I am." He smiled bitterly.

"But does Greyback know, lad?" Moody asked urgently. Molly had handed him parchment and a quill, and he had been scribbling something down as Remus was speaking. "Is your cover blown? What do you know for sure?"

"I'm...I'm not sure, honestly. I think he will, soon enough. I'd imagine Darrow went straight to him once I'd put some distance between us. That's why I need to let Dumbledore know. But regardless, I have to get back soon." As he moved his hand to adjust the cloth on his nose, Tonks saw a faint pattern of bruises in the shape of a handprint on the side of his neck.

"Molly, may I use your fireplace?" Moody was folding up the parchment he'd been scribbling on.

"Oh - yes, Alastor, right in there." Moody stumped out of the kitchen towards the sitting room. Molly turned back to Remus again, looking upset.

"Well if your cover's good as blown, why don't you just stay here and -"

"No, I have to go back - before Greyback does find out for certain - there's something I still have to -"

"You're going back?" Tonks finally found her voice, staring at the bruises on his throat. He shifted slightly in his chair as if to look at her, but he didn't make direct eye contact. "After they've figured out that you're a spy and, you know, lightly strangled you?" Molly immediately darted forward with a small gasp, trying to get a better look at his neck, but Remus gently pushed her hands away.

"I'm okay. Really. Darrow has a short temper. One of the things that Greyback likes about him, I'm sure, but even he has reprimanded Darrow for acting out of turn a few times. He's volatile, and while Greyback trusts him, I do know that it makes him worried for the overall stability of the pack. I likely have a little bit of time before Greyback decides to believe him."

"But he tried to kill you. And you're just going to go back? Like, ten minutes after that happened?" Tonks couldn't keep the tremble out of her voice.

"Not - I'm awaiting Dumbledore's orders, of course, but I'm not - I just need to go back briefly. There's one werewolf I need to see before I leave for good."

"And if they try to - if they attack you again?" Molly asked the question this time, shooting a concerned glance over at Tonks, who had leaned back against the door. Her legs felt weak.

"If they do - if it's clear that my cover is truly gone - I will apparate out immediately," Remus promised. "But I have to get - there's one of them I promised I'd help, I can't leave him -"

Moody came back into the living room, tossing a new scrap of parchment onto the table in front of Remus. "Sent a note to Dumbledore, and I got ahold of Mundungus - a miracle in and of itself, let me tell you - to confirm the location's all set. That's the information for the safe house. Make sure your mate burns it as soon as he's read it," Moody grunted. Remus nodded, tucking the parchment into his pocket.

"This - the one you're helping - he knows -?"

"He knows I'm a spy, yes."

"And you're sure he's -"

Remus took a deep breath. "Yes. He's...he's known I'm with the Order for awhile, now."

"But then…" Molly looked uncertain. "Are you sure he's...he hasn't said anything to - what was his name - Darrow, then? Are you positive he's -"

"No, no, Darrow has disliked me since I showed up, he's said from the start that he doesn't trust anyone who's spent as much time as I have trying to fit in amongst wizards," Remus explained. "Mick wouldn't say anything - I trust him. He wants to leave the pack, he just needs help. I promised him I would help. I just have to get this information to him - make sure he can get out safely - and then I'll...I'll be done, I think." There was silence in the room now, except for the ticking of the clock on the wall. "I have to help him," Remus repeated quietly.

"If you trust him, then we trust him, lad," Moody said finally. "I know you're in a great rush to get back, but let's just wait and see what Dumbledore says before doing anything rash."

"I really don't want to wait too long," Remus said uneasily. "The longer I wait, the more chance of -"

"I know, Lupin, but let's just give it a few minutes," Moody interjected. "Get yourself cleaned up, and then we can discuss strategy for -"

"Yes, take some time to get cleaned up. Tonks, why don't you help him?" Molly said suddenly, shooting a pointed look at Tonks.

"Er -"

"Alastor, let's wait in the sitting room for word from Dumbledore."

"But we could just - oh, yes," Moody said, clearing his throat loudly. "Yes, we'll wait in the - while you two - alright then." Remus met her gaze briefly; he rolled his eyes, and she smiled in spite of herself. For a pair of Order members, Molly and Moody weren't exactly subtle when it came to certain matters.

Now it was just Remus and her in the room. He was looking back down into his lap; she came slowly over to where he was seated, perching on the table in front of him.

"Can I…" she reached out for the cloth. "Let me get that. Is this okay?" He nodded. She lifted the cloth away from his face, wincing as she did so. "Jesus christ, Remus, you look..."

"You should see the other guy," he said, giving her a small, crooked smile. She stared at him. "Which actually, speaking of - er - my hand is rather..." he held up the hand that he hadn't been using to hold the cloth to his face, and she saw that his knuckles were starting to swell and turn purple.

"Christ, Remus," she said again.

"It could have been worse, Tonks. I'm not exactly...let's just say a man like me needs his wand in a fight."

"Did you have it? Where d'you keep your wand when you're there?"

"I had it hidden on my person, yes, but I couldn't use it. That would have only made things worse. They don't quite appreciate much use of magic there."

"Right." She turned away from him. "Molly has some salve somewhere that should help those bruises - ah, here we go." She set the tin down on the table then picked up the rag again. "Is this - may I?"

"Alright."

She started to dab gently at the blood on his face. "Let me know if I hurt you," she said softly. She reached out her other hand to his jaw, gently holding his head still, and his eyes fluttered closed as she worked. "Does this feel okay?"

"Yes. Thank you." He cleared his throat as she lifted the cloth from his face and started to gently smooth some of the bruise salve on the swelling beneath his eyes, shifting slightly in his chair as she did so. "You don't have to do this."

"I know I don't have to. Now stop moving or I'll poke your eye out and it'll take more than salve and a warm rag to make that right." She carefully wiped away the excess balm with a corner of the cloth. "You'll look a right mess for a few days, but this should hopefully help at least a little. I'm going to do...I'm going to do your neck now, okay?"

"Okay," he responded quietly. She reached out and placed her fingers above his ear, gently pushing pushing until he tilted his head to the side. She hissed sympathetically as she saw the pattern of fingertip-shaped bruises down his neck up close.

"That bastard really got you, didn't he?"

Remus let out a mirthless snort, opening his eyes again but avoiding her gaze. "You could certainly say that."

"How did…"

"He came up from behind. I didn't even hear him, which is fairly shocking if you are familiar with his regular disposition, but he can be stealthy when it counts, I suppose. I didn't even realize he was nearby until he - er - had me by the throat, literally speaking."

She swallowed, trying not to picture Remus being strangled in vivid detail. "Did anyone try and help you?"

"No," he replied shortly. "It's...fights break out rather often at the camp, and it's generally best to just keep your head down and stay out of matters that don't concern you. I do not blame anyone for not stepping in."

"What about - what'd you say his name was - Mick? Was he around?"

"He was, he saw it happen. But I've talked about it with him before and I've told him that if anything happens, if my position were to be discovered and anything were to happen to me, that he's not to help. It would only put him in danger. And would likely only serve to further complicate things for me, as well."

"Oh. Well, he…" she hesitated, unsure of what to say. "I'm glad you found someone there you could...you could talk to."

"That's why I have to go back. Mick doesn't...like a lot of us, he's just searching for a place he feels he can belong. He's had a hard life. But he's got a big heart. He just fell in with the wrong crowd for a little while. So I have to help him if I can." He gave a small smile. "I would not say he's anywhere near ready to join the Order or anything like that, but perhaps you'll meet him someday. He's a good man."

She returned his smile. "I hope I do." She reached for his injured hand now. "I'll have to see if Molly has some bandages, you'll likely want to wrap this." She started to massage the bruise salve into his bruised knuckles. She took a deep breath, trying not to think too much about how it felt to have his hand in hers. His eyes were closed again, but the sudden careful rigidity in his posture told her that he was as affected by her touch as she was by his.

"I'm glad you're okay, Remus," she said softly. He gave a small shake of his head.

"I should have been more careful. I don't know what I was thinking, talking like that out in the open. I mean, I thought we were alone, I thought it was safe. But I should have known better." He sighed wearily. "I just heard one of the werewolves voice some doubt about Greyback's plans and I thought...I saw an opportunity. To save a child. But I should have known better. I was stupid and now the whole thing has been jeopardized."

"You were not stupid." She let her fingers linger on the inside of his wrist, gently tracing one of the scars there, and he gave a nearly imperceptible shiver. "You...you've been doing your best in nearly impossible circumstances. You've been there for almost a year now. You said it yourself at Christmas, it's...it's difficult. They have trouble trusting anybody. Don't blame yourself for what was likely inevitable. They were going to figure it out at some point, Remus. You can't stay there forever."

He sighed. "I suppose so. I was…" he hesitated. "I was considering asking Dumbledore to come home soon, anyway. But I'd hoped to stay just a bit longer, try and wrap up a few more loose ends. And I hadn't envisioned leaving with this much of a fuss."

She felt her pulse increase at his mention of coming home. "I'm...I'm glad you'll be coming back. We've all been worried about you. Not just me, but Molly and Arthur and...everyone." She paused, then continued against her better judgment. "And I've missed you." She knew that now was not the time or place to have this discussion, as she feared it would morph into an all-out row if they went down this path, but she couldn't help herself. She couldn't just say nothing to him, as if he were just any other colleague of hers coming back from a long and dangerous mission rather than the man she'd been in love with for the better part of a year.

He sighed, opening his eyes again; he looked at her directly this time, but there was sadness in his eyes. "Nothing's changed, Tonks. I still...I'm sorry."

She tried to ignore the dead weight in her stomach. "We shouldn't talk about it now, anyway. You've got - you've got enough on your plate, and you need to focus on your mission, but when you're back permanently we can talk about it and we -"

"Tonks." He looked pained. "I...I'm sorry for that last note I sent, I truly am. At Christmas. And I'm sorry for showing up on Christmas and for...for doing what I did. But it still -"

"You mean showing up for a shag and then running off again after leaving me with another no-contact order?" The words left her mouth before she could stop herself, and she winced as color immediately stained his cheeks. "Wait - I'm sorry, Remus, I didn't mean that -"

"No, you're right. I -" He avoided her eyes, jaw clenching. "You're right. It was extremely unfair to you."

"Remus, I really didn't mean it like that. I don't regret - I don't regret anything that I said that night, or anything that happened. I'm still glad you came to see me. I said that you can always come to me, yeah? And I mean it. You can always come to me. Even when I'm being an arse. I'm still angry you thought that you could just end everything with another note, but it doesn't mean I regret seeing you. I would...I would never regret time spent with you." She turned away abruptly as he started shaking his head and loudly opened the nearest drawer, distractedly searching for bandages. "I just think…I think we should talk about it more once you're back for good."

"There's nothing more to talk about, Tonks," he said shortly.

"You mean besides the fact that we're both still in love with each other but you're the only one who thinks we shouldn't be together?" she replied hotly. "Unless the love is one-sided, which in that case, I'd appreciate it if you could keep me abreast of the status of your feelings for me -"

"No, Tonks, that's...my feelings aren't the issue here," he said quietly. "They never have been. I know it rings a bit false, but I truly mean it when I say it has nothing to do with you or anything you've done, it's - it's me. It's what I am." He sighed. "When I say nothing has changed, I mean nothing has changed. I love you, but I'm...I'm dangerous. I mean, look at me. Look where I've been, what's happened, what I've done." He gestured with his injured hand. She took the opportunity to reach out and grab his wrist, starting to wrap the bandage around his fingers.

"That was self-defense, Remus, that's -"

"Tonks, all I want is for you to be happy. You have to believe me."

"It's not that I don't believe you, it's just that I think you're going about it in a spectacularly stupid way," she said through gritted teeth. She finished tying off the bandage a bit more violently than intended, and she winced as Remus let out a hiss of pain. "Shit, sorry. But I'm serious, Remus. That's what I find so maddening about all of this. You keep saying all you want is for me to be happy, but I would be happy with you. I don't understand why you can't get that through your thick fucking head."

"Tonks, I…" he ran his good hand through his hair in frustration. "We shouldn't...now is not the time to discuss this." His eyes flickered towards the door to the sitting room.

"Right," she replied testily. "I agree. So let me know when you're back, and I'll -"

"No, Tonks, I think it's better if we just -"

"Were you ever happy?" she asked abruptly. Remus cut off mid-sentence, looking startled by her question. "With me, I mean."

He swallowed, looking down at the ground. For a moment she was worried he wasn't going to answer. "Of course I was," he replied softly. "It was probably the happiest I've been since I was at school. But I can't...I can't ask you to sacrifice your happiness for my own, Tonks. It would be incredibly selfish of me."

She felt her face flush with anger. "For the last bloody time, I wouldn't be sacrificing my happiness by being with you, my happiness would come from being with your sorry arse! The only thing I would be sacrificing at this point is my sanity because we go on and on in circles about this but I don't think you're hearing what I'm saying! I don't - I don't think there are any more words left in the English language that I could use to explain this to you that I haven't already, Remus, jesus fucking christ." She slammed the spare bandage she was holding down on the table as they glared at each other. Remus looked as if he was about to respond, then stopped abruptly as they heard a noise in the other room.

At that moment, Moody clattered through the door slightly louder than necessary. "Just got word from Hestia that she'll be by in twenty or so minutes to drop off some supplies that you can bring to your man, Lupin," Moody said gruffly. "I'll be accompanying you back to our drop-off point. I'll remain there while you go back to the camp, in case anything goes awry. We'll accompany your friend to the safe house, and then Dumbledore wants to see you."

Remus nodded. "Thank you, Alastor."

Molly came bustling into the room again now as well. "Oh, you look much better now, Remus, dear." She came over to the table and Tonks stepped back as Molly scrutinized her handiwork. "You did a lovely job, Tonks - how are you feeling, Remus?"

"Much better. Tonks fixed me right up," he replied, flashing a small smile at Tonks. She looked away, blinking furiously; how could he just pretend that everything was fine? Nothing had been resolved, but she knew that nothing good would come out of continuing to push him before a such a dangerous trip back to the camp, so she picked up her Auror's robes and started to pull them back on.

"I should be off," she said shortly. Molly seemed to notice the tension and fixed Remus with a slight frown even as she addressed Tonks.

"So soon, Tonks? Are you sure you wouldn't like to stay for dinner?"

"No, I've got loads of paperwork to catch up on. But thank you for the offer. And thanks as always for the tea, Molly. Good to see you, Mad-Eye. And Remus -"

"Well, I - Alastor, perhaps we should leave the two of them to -" Molly said, looking rather flustered.

Remus started to say something, but Tonks interjected. "No need," she said quickly, flushing slightly. She turned to Remus, trying to keep her face as impassive as possible. "At least let me know that you make it back from this one alive, yeah? Just an owl will do, if you can't be bothered to talk to me in person." A flash of hurt crossed his face as he watched her make her way to the door, oblivious to the way both Molly and Moody were staring at him. "Glad you're safe, mate." She saw his face fall slightly before the door clicked shut and then she was finally alone, standing on the front steps of the Burrow.

She was immediately seized by a brief wave of panic - the look on his face at her blasé tone had been rather satisfying, but he was about to head back to a pack of werewolves who knew he'd been a spy living in their midst - what if this was the last time she saw him alive? She nearly turned around to go back into the Burrow again, to speak to him one last time before he left again, but she thought better of it as she raised her hand to knock. It wouldn't do to drag anything out and put any more turmoil into his head. She was already starting to regret their conversation, after promising herself that she wouldn't give him anything further to be distracted about until he was completely safe.

He would be fine, she told herself firmly; he would be fine, he'd come back safe, and they'd meet soon to talk - to really talk - in person.

Later that evening, back in her room in Hogsmeade, she was reading a novel she was only really half-invested in when she was distracted by a tapping on the window. Running over, she threw the window open and let in the owl, hurriedly pulling the scroll from its leg.

Tonks,

I wanted to let you know that I am alright. Alastor and I managed to safely get Mick out of the camp and to an Order safehouse, where he'll remain until he's able to somewhat get back on his feet. I'll be remaining in contact with him to help where I can but for now he is grateful to the Order for providing him the resources and help to make this possible.

I've met with Dumbledore and we've agreed to terminate my mission in the camp as I will no longer be of great use now that suspicion has been raised. So I am safe.

Thank you again for bandaging me up earlier. It's appreciated.

Remus

Although she wasn't quite sure what she'd expected, she found herself rather hurt at the impersonal tone and lack of further information. It was rather clear that he didn't expect her to - or didn't want her to - write back. She supposed she couldn't completely blame him, after the way she'd spoken to him when leaving the Burrow, but she felt a prickle of anger all the same.

Against her better judgment, she got out a scrap of parchment and scribbled down a response.

Remus,

I'm glad to hear that you were able to help Mick and that all went well. I am also glad you are done with the camp, and that you are safe.

I would really like for us to talk. I know you've just gotten back, so it doesn't need to be right away, but I would like to see you again. I'm off Thursday evening, so maybe we could get together then. I can cook something for us. Just let me know.

All my love,

Dora

She nearly scratched out the all my love bit, but decided against it at the last moment and hurriedly rolled up the note and sent it off with the owl before she could talk herself out of it.

Of course she did not receive another note for the rest of the night. Or the next day. Or the day after that, even. The next thing she received several days after she had sent that note to him, however, was a request from McGonagall to join a couple other Order members in patrolling the Hogwarts grounds while Dumbledore was away on a mission.

She was somehow not surprised at her luck (or lack thereof) when she walked up to the entrance to find Remus waiting there, leaning against the gate. He started guiltily as he noticed her approaching him.

"Wotcher, Remus," she said tiredly. He straightened up hurriedly from where he'd been slouching against the gate, hands in his pockets.

"Hi, Nymphadora. Er - Bill should be arriving soon as well, he -"

"Great," she said flatly. "And don't call me that."

He nodded, flushing. "Sorry, Tonks."

"Your face looks better," she remarked. His hand flew up to his nose self-consciously, though there remained no trace of the blood or bruising that had covered it the last time she saw him.

"Yes, I feel much better. Almost back to normal," he said, giving her a half-hearted smile. She didn't return the smile, turning away instead as she looked down the path. She heard him sigh quietly. "Tonks, I...I'm sorry I haven't responded yet to your note. I -"

"It's fine. Kind of expected it," she replied shortly.

"You shouldn't...I'm sorry, Tonks. You shouldn't have to expect to be let down by -"

"I really don't want to talk about this right now, okay, Remus?" Tonks snapped. "If you'd just answered my bloody note, we could have met somewhere private and talked about this, but I don't really want to discuss this in front of the Hogwarts gate."

"Okay," he replied quietly. "You're right. Bill is coming up the path, anyway." He nodded to something past her shoulder, and she turned to see Bill Weasley making his way towards the two of them.

"Hiya, Tonks," he said as he reached her, grinning as he pulled her into a brief hug.

"Wotcher, Bill." She tried her best to smile back. She felt as though the expression was plastered painfully to her face, though Bill didn't seem to notice.

"Remus! Glad to see you're back and still in one piece, mate," Bill continued, releasing Tonks in order to clap Remus' shoulder. "Mum said you'd returned but she's been worried sick about you, wouldn't shut up about your nose for some reason -?"

"My nose had a slight run-in with another werewolf's fist, but I'm quite alright," Remus replied wryly. "Thankfully, your mother and Tonks were there to fix me right up." He cleared his throat self-consciously. "We should...we should head up to the castle now that we're all here."

"Right, right," Bill said good-naturedly, seemingly oblivious to the way that Tonks was glaring at Remus. "You lead the way then, Professor."

The three of them walked up to the castle, Bill's light-hearted chatter fading away as Tonks stared at the back of Remus' head while he walked in front of them; and not for the first time, she wondered how it was possible to be so vexed with someone yet want nothing more than to hold that same person all at once.

---

She'd taken a walk around the grounds for a bit; sitting down on a bench here, sprawling in the grass by the Great Lake there, before finally deciding to just head back to her room in Hogsmeade. She felt drained and keyed up all at once, and she had no idea what to do with herself. She hoped the walk back into the village would help.

Once she got back to the Hog's Head, she murmured some condolences to Aberforth - who didn't seem to want to talk to anyone, understandably - and so she continued up into her room. She threw herself down on the bed, trying to ignore the emptiness she was feeling in her chest. Dumbledore was dead. When they'd first heard wind of Death Eaters in the castle, she wasn't sure what sort of outcome to expect, but the Auror in her was prepared for whatever the outcome may be. But no part of her was prepared for the outcome that had actually become their new reality.

Dumbledore was dead, and yet, guiltily, Tonks could barely think of anything other than the fact that she had just made a fool out of herself in front of the man she was in love with and all of their friends, likely alienating him forever.

What on earth had she been thinking? She groaned quietly in embarrassment as she replayed the scene from the hospital wing in her head. How could she have said that, how could she have done that in front of everyone? After snapping at him at the Hogwarts gate earlier about how it wasn't the right time or place to discuss it? She knew that was Remus' worst nightmare, intensely private man that he was, to have their issues aired in front of everyone like that; hell, it wasn't as if she wanted everyone to know about their great ordeal, either. It was bad enough dealing with Molly's pity. And now even Professor bloody McGonagall knew about her and Remus' mess of a...relationship? Non-relationship?

You can't force someone to be with you, Tonks, she admonished herself bitterly. If he hadn't wanted to be with her before, he certainly wouldn't want to be with her now. And along with the embarrassment that was still coursing through her, she started to feel a deeper sadness, too. For the first time, she was starting to realize that maybe love really wasn't enough. She could keep repeating herself till she was blue in the face - and she was willing to do it, she had a lifetime's worth of patience if that's what it would take to convince Remus that he was worthy if love - but if he wasn't willing to hear her out, then why continue making them both miserable?

Her tired ruminations were interrupted by a knock on the door. Her eyebrows shot up when she opened it to find the very man she'd been pondering, breathing rather heavily and wincing as he leaned against the doorjamb.

"Remus? What are you -" she frowned. "Why are you so sweaty?"

"I've - I've been - I've been looking for you," he panted. "I - all around the castle - I didn't know where you'd gone - and - I checked the grounds too but - you weren't…"

"Fucking hell, did you run an entire marathon while you were looking?" She stared at him in shock as he swiped his hair out of his eyes, his forehead glistening with sweat. "How long have you been running around?"

"I - er - long enough to realize how out-of-shape I am," he said, still sounding out-of-breath. "I left to - to find you fairly soon after you'd gone."

"I did stick around for a bit before coming back here, so we must have kept missing each other. Sorry about that," she said, unable to keep from giving him a small smile. "Er - do you want a glass of water, or something? I can put on the kettle?" He nodded; she was suddenly aware of how dusty and dirty she still was from the battle, and she grabbed her wand to mutter a quiet 'tergeo' to siphon some of it away as she stepped back to let him into the room.

"Thanks. I haven't…" He cleared his throat awkwardly. "I haven't had tea since Christmas. Turns out it's hard to keep yourself well-stocked with something such as tea leaves when you're living in a cave," he said with a wry smile.

She sat down on the edge of the bed after she'd prepared their tea, and Remus perched gingerly on one of the chairs at the table, looking as if he was unsure of what to do with himself. He stirred his tea, continuing to stare down at the table in front of him. Tonks sighed, looking down as she picked at a loose thread on the duvet.

"Remus, I'm sorry -"

"Dora, I wanted to say that I'm - what?" They'd both started speaking at the same time, and now he was looking at her, bewildered. "I - sorry, you first. What on earth are you sorry for?"

She raised an eyebrow. "That whole scene in the hospital wing? I don't know what came over me. It's not like me to do things like that, really. I know it wasn't the time or place and I'm sorry I embarrassed you. I embarrassed myself, honestly. It's just…" He was still staring at her. "When I heard Fleur say all that stuff about Bill, I just - I wanted so badly for you to realize that I feel the same way about you, Remus. That I love you and I don't care about any of the shit that you always use as reasons we shouldn't be together and when Fleur was talking about Bill, I just saw the perfect example of how we could work and I know it was embarrassing and I know our situation is different from theirs - I know - but I just want so badly for you to realize how happy you made me and…" she squeezed her eyes shut. "Anyway, I'm sorry again. I...I completely understand if you don't...you don't want anything to do with me anymore."

"What? No, that's not - Dora, wait," Remus replied. "You have nothing to apologize for. I'm the one who's...I'm the one who left you for a year. Our friends, they...they support you. They didn't think any less of you for what happened in the hospital wing, trust me." He gave her a small, wry smile. "In fact, they were all quite moved by it. Fleur had some - erm - choice words for me once you'd left. As did Minerva. And Molly."

"Sounds like they put you through the wringer, eh?"

He gave a hesitant chuckle. "You have no idea." He looked down at the ground now. "I came because I wanted to apologize. I don't…" he heaved a sigh and leaned an elbow on the table, scrubbing his face with his other hand. "It still floors me that someone like you would want anything to do with me," he continued quietly. "I don't understand it. I'm not sure I ever will."

"Remus, you're -"

"No, Dora, let me finish. I don't think I ever will, but I - I want to try." She glanced up sharply, but his face was still in his hand. "I really want this to work, Dora. I want to be with you. More than anything. I don't think you even understand. And Merlin knows I haven't exactly done much to help you understand what I've been feeling or thinking. It's just…" he swallowed, then finally lifted his gaze to hers. "I'm so scared. There are so many things - so many things that just make me the worst person for you, and I'm just - I'm afraid that - I'm afraid that -"

"Hey," she said softly. "Why don't we talk through them? I know we've sort of discussed all this before, but let's talk through them honestly and calmly right now, okay? A year has passed since you first started telling me all these reasons for why you think you're not good enough for me. But I've really given this thought, Remus, and I want you to see that. I've had a year to think about this - to really think about this - and I haven't changed my mind. I've thought about all the reasons you've provided for why you think you're not good enough for me and even though I know I say I don't care, it's not just that I don't care. It's just - I've thought all this through and I have my reasons for believing that none of it matters when it comes to the way I feel about you." She leaned forward and took his hands in hers, peering up until he met her eyes. "I want you to know that I'm not brushing off your concerns, Remus, I just genuinely do not agree that they're reasons that could keep us from being together. Okay? Want to talk about it?" He nodded. "What do you want to start with?"

"How about the fact that I don't have a galleon to my name?" he said bitterly, looking down as she stroked the threadbare cuff of his shirt with her thumb.

"There are plenty of other people out there who are poor and are still able to fall in love. Look at the Weasleys," she replied. "I'm not saying it's easy to be poor, please don't think I'm just brushing that off - and if I ever say something insensitive that makes you uncomfortable, I absolutely want you to tell me. I know I say stupid shit sometimes. But it doesn't bother me. But look at Molly and Arthur; they adore each other, they're happy and -"

"But Arthur at least has a job. I have, quite literally, an empty vault at the bank. I'll never...I'll likely never have gainful employment, and -"

"Never say never. Plus, even if you don't, who cares? I could easily support the two of us, I've told you that -"

"That wouldn't be fair," he said stubbornly.

"Would you feel the same way if it were you supporting the two of us on one salary?" she replied waspishly, dropping his hand from her grasp. "Because that would be rather sexist, wouldn't you think?"

"Tonks." He sounded frustrated. "I can't even imagine that scenario because I've never been in that position before in my entire life. And likely never will be. It's not comparable."

"Okay. You're right, I'm sorry. But I'm just saying money's not an issue and I understand - no Remus, really, I do - I understand it's a point of pride, and I -"

"It's not pride, it's practicality."

"No, it's not, because the practical thing would be to agree that my salary is more than enough to support me and the person I love," she retorted. "Plus, aren't we fighting for a better world? I know how hard it is to imagine a world without all of the hate and prejudice that we have now. But what are we fighting for if not a world where you can get a job? Where you could go back to teaching, or you could explore other career that interest you?"

He gave her a small smile, and she didn't miss the look of yearning that flashed across his face. So there was still some hope there. He had some optimism left. That was good, she could work with that. But his smile quickly dropped.

"Fine. How about the fact that I'm thirteen years older than you, then?"

Too poor. Check. Now onto the next reason on the list.

"You're 37, Remus, it's not as if you're rounding on 80 years old -"

"Still. Someday I will be 80, and you'll be 67 -"

"And I still won't have a problem with it."

"Okay, what would all your friends say if you told them you're with a man thirteen years older than you?"

"They'd think it's sexy."

He gave her an exasperated look. "Dora -"

"I'm serious, Remus. I don't - I really don't even notice the age thing a lot of the time, to be honest. The only time I can think of is the time I discovered that you own not one but two old Squeeze t-shirts, but other than that, I don't notice it. It really, truly does not bother me." He rolled his eyes, though she noticed the corners of his mouth quirk up slightly.

"I was going to point out that those shirts are vintage, which I'm under the impression is supposed to be 'cool' nowadays, but I'm afraid that rather reinforces my point that I'm too old and too poor for you," he replied, though he still looked as though he was holding back a small smile. Tonks felt a spark of hope that she was starting to get through to him. She knew she wouldn't be able to completely erase his insecurities, or completely appease his fears, but she'd hoped that by talking with him tonight, she could show him she was at least willing to work through them with him. That they'd do this together.

"Teasing aside...I'm 24, Remus, I'm not a child. I'm old enough to know what I want. I'm old enough to know that I love you and to make that decision. I'm not going into this blindly, you know. It's my choice," she said firmly. "I choose you. I choose us."

Remus let out another sigh. "Dora, I…" He trailed off as his face dropped into his hands again.

"Go on," she encouraged. "We said we would talk about it all, right?"

"I just...what if I hurt you?" he whispered.

"You won't. You're always so careful, and we can take extra precautions - not because I don't trust you, but just because it'll make you feel better. Now that -" she felt her voice choke up bitterly as she realized she had been about to mention Snape. "I can learn to brew Wolfsbane," she continued briskly. "I'm ace at potions, and I've already been doing my research."

"I couldn't possibly ask you to-"

"You're not asking, I'm offering. But if it would truly make you uncomfortable for me to brew it, I have a mate from school who owns an apothecary up in Aberdeen. He'd sell to me, no questions asked. So you'll have the Wolfsbane, and then we can make sure you're safe at your cottage to transform, alright?" He sighed. "Remus, I'm not asking you to let me spoon you when you've transformed. I recognize the risks. But I'm an Auror, and I consider myself quite handy at mitigating danger, right? We'll be careful. We can come up with a plan that we both feel good about."

"It's not - it's not even just that," he said quietly. "I'm...I'm not a healthy man, Dora. No -" he held up a hand as she started to scoff. "I am not a healthy man, either physically or mentally. I'm not easy to deal with. I think you've experienced quite enough of me already to know that to be true. I've never imagined that someone would ever even want to be with me long-term. I'm not partner material in every single way. I'm...look at how I've already hurt you. And...aside from dealing with just me, you'll have to deal with a society that believes people like me shouldn't exist or that we should be locked up. And I don't even mean locked up in prison, there are people who think...there are people out there who think I should live out the rest of my life in a cage. People will think I've...I've tricked you into being with me, or they'll make...they'll make disgusting jokes about you -"

"I can handle some shitty insults," she scoffed.

"Tonks, I've been called a dog more times than I can count. People will see you, someone who's been - who's been - been intimate with a werewolf, with a 'dog,' and...well, you can imagine the things they'll say."

"I know, Remus. And I can handle that," she said defiantly. "And I'll hex the shit out of anyone who dares call you a dog in front of me." He pressed his lips together firmly before continuing.

"And that's not the only thing. Your reputation, your job - your entire livelihood - could be in jeopardy because of me."

"Remus." She reached out and took his hands. "I'm telling you that I've really thought about all this. And I've decided that I want you. I am choosing you. I know that it won't be easy, I know it'll get ugly, but I want us to handle it together. I love you and I will deal with whatever comes, as long as you're by my side." His head was still slightly turned as he avoided her gaze, and she reached a hand out to touch his cheek, gently prodding him to look at her. "Remus?"

"I'm still so scared, Dora. I'm - I'm - I can't lose you, too."

"I'm right here, Remus, I'm right here," she said quickly, stroking his cheek. "You haven't lost me, love. I'm right here."

He shook his head fervently, tearing a hand out of her grasp to tug distractedly at a fistful of his hair. "I lost Lily and James, I lost Sirius, and now Dumbledore is gone too, and I just - I just - if anything happened to you - if anything happened to you and it was my fault -" he cut off, his voice constricted in panic.

"Remus," she said gently, "it's war. I know you don't like to hear it, but I'm in danger either way. As I said, I want to face all of this with you. I happen to think we'll be stronger together, in fact. I feel safer with you. I feel safer with you than I ever have with anyone else."

There was silence for several long moments as his eyes darted back down, looking everywhere but at Tonks.

"Remus?" she prodded gently as he took a shuddering breath.

"What if you change your mind?" he said quietly. And suddenly she realized the other side of what he meant when he talked about losing her. Of course he was worried about the war, he was worried about hurting her; but her feelings for him were so fierce, and to her so apparent, that the thought had never occurred to her that he might doubt the sincerity or strength of them. "What if...what if someday, it really does become too much? What if you decide - you decide you'd be better off with someone who can actually - who's not - what if you regret choosing me one day?"

"I won't," she said fiercely. A look of surprise flashed across his face as she quickly slid off the bed, her knees thumping on the floorboards as she landed and quickly shuffled her way over to him so that she was kneeling in front of him where he sat on the chair. She took ahold of his hands again, looking up at him. "I love you, Remus. I'm so fucking in love with you that it scares me sometimes, to be honest. When I first realized I loved you, it did. It scared me. I've...I mean, I've been in love before, but this is...never like this. I would do anything for you. Anything."

He let out a shuddering sigh, and she reached her arms up around his waist. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and they sat like that for several long minutes, her sitting between his knees, with her head in his lap. Her knees started to ache, but she didn't dare move as he started to gently run his other hand through her hair.

"I'm sorry if this isn't the right time to say this, but I never...I never got to say I'm sorry about Sirius, Remus," she said finally. She heard him take a sharp breath. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry, too. You lost family."

"Yeah, but - I mean, I did. I loved him too, Remus. But I know...I know how much he meant to you. How much you two meant to each other."

"I miss him," he said after a pause, his voice breaking. She looked up to see that his eyes were slightly glossy. "And it's my fault. I should have stopped him leaving the house -"

"No," she said sharply. "You couldn't have done anything, Remus. Do not blame yourself. I did a lot of that too, you know. Thinking about how if I'd been quicker, if I hadn't gotten hit, then maybe -"

"But of course it wasn't your fault," he said hurriedly.

"Exactly. See? It was...no one could have kept Sirius in that house any longer, I don't think." She swallowed. "I don't...I hate to say it now, but I was upset with Dumbledore for that, too. And with all of us, I suppose. We should have seen it coming, we should have come up with plan for him."

"I feel...I felt the same way, you know. And with Dumbledore gone now, I just...I've been angry with him, for several reasons, I'm ashamed to say; and now he's dead," he said quietly. "When Dumbeldore first asked me to go away, I was angry. I was so angry, Dora. I felt - I felt that for once in my life, despite everything else - despite Sirius dying - I had at least one thing that was going right. I had you."

She promptly reached out up grasp his hand, giving it a light squeeze. "You did. No matter what."

He took a deep breath before continuing. "I had you, and you...you made me feel so happy. You made me feel like...you made me feel like an actual man. For once in my life I felt almost whole. Not quite, but almost. Then…" he faltered. "Then Sirius died. And then Dumbledore asked to talk to me. And I felt angry. But then I felt as if it were a sign, maybe. That maybe I wasn't...maybe I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve you. I was being asked by the man I most admired to go live with a pack of werewolves led by a murderer who had ruined my life. It was the worst reminder of what I am that I could have possibly gotten at that time."

Despite the events of that evening, mingled with her grief, Tonks felt anger with the Hogwarts headmaster rear its head again. She tried to ignore the accompanying stab of guilt.

"And despite all that, you still have me, right?" she said, looking up at him. "You still have me. I mean everything I've said. I'm not going anywhere. I love you, Remus, and no matter what happens, I want to be by your side for it."

He looked down at her for just a moment before lowering his head to kiss her. She reached up, taking his face between her hands as his fingers tangled in her hair. He kissed her desperately, and when she felt the slight dampness of tears on her face, she wasn't sure if they were his or hers.

He pulled back suddenly. "Sorry. I - I - maybe we should take this slow." He suddenly looked unsure, and she stretched up again to press another kiss to his lips.

"It's okay, whatever feels right. I know...I know this past year has been hard for the both of us. I know we've hurt each other. We can take this as slowly as we need to, alright?" She squeezed his hand, using his knee to steady herself as she got back to her feet. "We don't - we don't have to do anything tonight, but...will you stay with me? Will you stay here?"

He gave her a small smile as he nodded. The smile dropped abruptly, however. "I should - there's something I need to tell you."

"What is it?"

"I don't quite sleep well anymore. I have...well, I have nightmares, and -"

"I don't care," she replied promptly. "And I'll be here to hold you when you wake up, alright? I'll always be right here." She squeezed his hand again, then stifled a yawn. "I'm fucking knackered, though, so I think I might pop in the shower real quick then hit the sack."

"Do you mind if I take one as well?" He grimaced. "I'm still a bit sweaty from my - erm - marathon earlier trying to find you, let alone many layers of dust from the battle. I'm surprised you're still standing so close to me."

She laughed as she stood, pulling him up with her. "Why don't you go take one first? I'll find something for you to wear. I'm sure I have an old t-shirt I can enlarge or something."

She dug through her trunk of clothes, finally coming across a larger t-shirt just as Remus emerged from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist and wet hair plastered to his forehead, looking as if he felt slightly awkward. She grinned as she threw the t-shirt at him. "Found an old t-shirt of my dad's, should more than fit you. Hope you're a fan of The Damned."

He unfolded the shirt to peer at the band logo emblazoned across the chest, giving her a wry smile. "I must say I'm partial to The Jam, but I suppose this will do for a night."

She rolled her eyes, though she wasn't sure the last time she had smiled so widely. It felt strange, as though the muscles in her face required for such a grin hadn't been used in a long while. She'd missed teasing him about stupid things like his music preference. "Of course you are. Should have known with your fashion sense that you're a mod, Mr. Skinny Ties Are Still Cool."

He was already asleep by the time she emerged from the shower. She pulled on her night shirt and then slipped quietly into the bed beside him. He rolled over and mumbled something, reaching out for her. She smiled as she wriggled closer to him. "What was that?"

"Is this okay?" he murmured, draping an arm around her waist.

"It's more than okay." She felt drowsy as soon as her head hit the pillow. "I'm glad you're here with me, Remus. Thanks for staying."

"I'm glad too."

"I love you."

"I love you more," he mumbled before deep sleep claimed them both.

Tonks awoke abruptly several hours later to a strangled shout; disoriented and blinking, she turned over on her side. Though it was still dark in the room, she could see the faint outline of Remus scrambling to sit up against the headboard, his legs twisting in the sheets as he tried to kick them away.

"Remus?" She pushed herself up quickly. "Remus, are you okay?" She reached out to touch his arm and felt him flinch when her fingers brushed him. "Were you having a nightmare?"

"Sorry - sorry, Tonks," he replied, voice cracking with sleep. "Sorry, you can go back to sleep - I'm just - I'm fine, I just had - I'm sorry -" she realized with slight alarm that he was shaking.

"Hey, no. It's okay. Don't apologize." She twisted so that she was sitting up against the headboard next to him, keeping her hand on his arm.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." He was still trembling slightly, though his legs had calmed their frantic movements beneath the sheets.

"I said no apologies, alright? Here, drink some water." She summoned a glass of water from the bathroom and pressed it into his hands. He took a few sips before she heard him set it on the bedside table with a slight sigh. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"It's not - you don't want to hear about it." Tonks was struck by how terrified he still sounded. "I just - I just - I woke up and I didn't know what had happened or where I was or -"

"It's okay," she soothed. "Come here." She shifted closer to him, then pulled him against her. He resisted only slightly before allowing her to embrace him, tucking his head onto her neck. She held him tightly, running a hand gently up and down his back as his breathing calmed. "You're here with me. You're home now, you're alright. We're alright."

"I'm - I'm sorry, Tonks, you shouldn't have to deal with this," he muttered.

"Hey," she admonished, "remember what I said earlier, alright? I'm here no matter what." She tightened her arms around him as she felt him start to shift away. "I mean it, Remus. And stop squirming, I'm not done hugging you yet."

"You'll be singing a different tune in the morning when the sleep deprivation hits you from staying up with the thirty-seven year old man sharing your bed to deal with his night terrors," he replied bitterly.

"Hey. That thirty-seven year old man sharing my bed is the man I'm in love with so that kind of thing doesn't matter, alright? You know I don't care. Anyone would have night terrors after what you've been through," she said quietly. "I get them myself, sometimes, after bad missions, you know. They usually take a couple weeks or months to go away, and luckily I haven't had that issue in awhile, but you've been on one bad mission for a really, really long time, Remus. This is perfectly normal, but it doesn't mean it's at all easy to deal with."

They sat like that for a few minutes, her sitting up while wrapping him in a tight embrace. She felt the rise and fall of his shoulders gradually slow as his breathing became calmer before he finally spoke again.

"Did I ever tell you…" he hesitated. "Have I ever told you how my parents handled my transformations as a child? Once I started to grow?"

"I mean, you mentioned they would put you in the basement, but -"

"He chained me," Remus said bluntly. "My dad would put me in chains. Because I started getting stronger as I got older, and he wasn't sure they'd be able to subdue me if something happened to go wrong."

Tonks was glad for the dark so that he couldn't see the look of horror on her face. She also wondered if she would ever meet Lyall Lupin. "Remus…"

"It sounds barbaric, but my parents were just trying to keep us all safe. And the funny thing is that I longed for chains when I was at the camp."

"What - why would you -"

"So I could be absolutely certain that I wouldn't hurt anyone," he replied quietly. "I don't think there's anything I can do to make that fear go away. Ever. And it's so...I'm so tired."

"I know," she whispered. She stroked his hair; his breath was warm on her neck from where his head was still laid on her shoulder. Slowly, haltingly, she leaned down and pressed a kiss to his temple. His hair brushed against her neck, tickling her chin as he raised his head. She stroked his cheek with her hand now as he slid his hand into her hair. Their faces were close enough that she could feel his breath on her cheek.

Then suddenly, he closed the gap between them, gently pressing his lips to hers. He kissed her hesitantly, cautiously, until she wound her hands through his hair, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. He sighed into her mouth.

She gently pushed him back so that he was sitting against the headboard and swung her leg over to straddle him. So much for moving slowly, she thought wryly, but she couldn't really find it within herself to mind as she kissed him again, her tongue exploring his mouth, rolling her hips against his and feeling that he was hard.

As if he had suddenly read her mind, Remus' hands tightened on her hips as he pulled back slightly. "Dora," he began, his voice gravelly, "I know - I'm sorry, I still have so much to make up for - if you're not comfortable with -"

"I don't care," she replied. "I've missed you too much." She kissed him again. "Fuck, I missed you so much."

"I missed you too," he breathed. "More than you know."

The only sound filling the room now aside from the rustle of their quickly discarded clothing was the slight protest of bed springs as their bodies began to rock together and their breaths hitching into soft moans. Tonks wrapped her arms around his neck, relishing in the feeling of her body being pressed against his after so long, the warmth of his skin beneath her fingers. She focused on the weight of his hands as they glided over her waist and to her backside, rocking her hips against his as his head fell back against the headboard. She alternated between pressing wet kisses against his neck and brushing her lips against his ear, whispering the kind of encouragement he'd always liked.

She felt the friction between them build, and she buried her face into his shoulder as she came, moaning his name. His skin was still damp from her kisses, his fingers tightening on her waist. As she came down, she began to move again, her arms still thrown around his neck; slowly at first, then more insistently as she heard his breathing start to hitch. She mouthed at his ear, whispering about how much she wanted him, how much she loved him, how good it felt to have him inside her again. When he came, she kissed him again, smiling against his lips as he gasped her name. They remained entwined together for several moments; pressed up against his chest, Tonks could feel his heartbeat start to calm as he softened inside her. Finally, she pressed another quick kiss to his lips before rolling off of him. He slid down in the bed to lay behind her, wrapping his arms around her. She wriggled back against him with a contented sigh.

"Sorry again for waking you."

"Don't apologize. I'd say that worked out quite nicely for all parties involved, wouldn't you?" He gave a quiet chuckle, pressing a soft kiss to the back of her neck.

"I suppose I'll definitely start sleeping better if that's what happens each time I wake up in the middle of the night."

"In all seriousness," Tonks replied sleepily, feeling her eyelids getting heavier again, "don't ever apologize for anything like that. I love you and care about you all the time, even in the middle of the night."

"Mmm. Remind me to check back in to see how much you still like me in the morning," he said, voice gravelly with sleep.

"Don't get your hopes up of getting rid of me now. You're stuck with me, Lupin." She heard another sleepy chuckle, and then they both slipped back into a comfortable sleep.

Later that morning, Tonks awoke to Remus gently shaking her. She blinked her eyes open slowly, then they shot open as she sat up suddenly. "What? What is it?" She reached out wildly to grasp for her wand and felt her arm connect with something bony in the process.

"Oof -"

She turned to see Remus sitting up beside her, rubbing his chest where she had elbowed him. "Oh, sorry -"

"It's okay," he replied with a small smile. "Everything is fine, Tonks, sorry. I - maybe I shouldn't have woken you, but I thought you'd want to - your hair," he finished finally.

"What d'you mean, my hair? Is it...it's not, is it?" she asked, a smile of her own starting to creep onto her face. He nodded. She leapt out of bed and ran to the bathroom, giving a small whoop of joy when she looked in the mirror to see her favorite shade of pink had appeared again - perhaps a tad bit lighter than usual, but certainly pink. "It's about bloody time!" she crowed.

"Sorry again to wake you, I just - it was a pleasant surprise to wake up to, so I thought you'd want to see as soon as possible," she heard Remus say from the bed.

"I told you I missed you, you clod," she shot at him as she exited the bathroom, still grinning. She flopped back into the bed, leaning over to kiss his cheek. "You turned me pink again."

"I can't take credit, that was all you," he replied, running his fingers through her hair and gazing at her with slight awe.

"It was probably the orgasm," she yawned as she slumped back against the pillow. He made a small choked noise as he continued stroking her hair. "I'm only half joking, you know."

"Er - I feel I would have noticed if your hair -"

"It was dark, and you were busy. Anyway," she continued, tilting her head to smile up at him as he rolled his eyes, that familiar blush spreading across his face as it did whenever she brought up anything to do with sex. "I'm going to have to go into the office today. Haven't gotten the summons yet, but with...everything that's happened…" she trailed off as Remus sighed beside her. She reached over to lace her fingers through his, giving his hand a squeeze. "If you're up for it, maybe we can...when I'm done at work, I was thinking…"

"We can have dinner together, if you'd like," he said softly, giving her a small smile and returning her hand squeeze.

She nodded fervently. "I would very much like that. I dunno what time I'll be off, but…"

"I'll need to meet with Alastor today to take care of some things. And potentially Minerva sometime this evening. But after that, I can meet you back here?"

She nodded. "That sounds like a plan." And as she smiled at him, his warm hand still in hers, for the first time in awhile, she felt almost hopeful. Even with everything else going on, with Dumbledore's death and the prospect of his funeral, with Snape's betrayal, and with things looking potentially bleaker than ever before, when Remus looked at her the way he was looking at her now, she felt as though she was going to be alright. As long as they could handle this together, they'd be alright.

---

Tonks stumbled in through the door to her flat, toeing off her boots as she called out a greeting. Remus poked his head out from the kitchen, beaming once he saw her.

"Hi, Dora. You're just in time, I've just made some tea." He came out into the sitting room, setting the tea down on the coffee table before helping her shrug out of her robes. "How was work?"

"Ergh. I don't want to talk about work," she replied, plopping down on the sofa next to him. It felt slightly lumpy; she frowned as she reached behind her and pulled out his jacket. "And here I thought you were the neat one, now I'm pulling your wardrobe out from between the couch cushions," she teased.

He grinned at her. "Right, sorry; I was trying to neaten up around here a bit today, but might have missed some spots." As she handed the jacket to him, a piece of paper fell out of the pocket. Reaching down to pick it up, she froze when she had it in her hand and realized that it was the note she had written him, before he'd gone away. The edges were worn and ripped and the ink was faded.

She looked up to see that he was watching her closely. "You still carried this in your jacket? The whole time?" she asked softly.

"I did," he replied, smiling slightly. "And that reminds me of something I forgot to tell you. This note is actually one of the reasons Mick - you remember him - ended up trusting me, and it made it possible for me to help him."

"How so?"

"We were - the werewolves had a rotating guard duty. Kind of like the Order, actually. Anyway, we were on together one night and we were talking, and I bent over to pick something up and it fell out of my pocket. He grabbed it and read it before I could stop him -"

"Nosy."

"Yes, a bit," he continued, still smiling. "Anyway, he burst out laughing when he first read it, because he thought I'd written it myself."

"What? How would you have - that doesn't make any sense."

"It's a long story, and one I will not get into now, because it's rather depressing. But part of the reason Mick ended up in the camp is that he was bitten as an adult. He was turned later in life, and he ended up losing his family because of it. Wife and a young daughter. That's actually what we had been talking about that night, and when he read my note, I think he thought - he still didn't believe that it was possible for werewolves - for people like us - to have people who love us, to lead real, happy lives."

"You had trouble believing that at a few points, too," she pointed out quietly.

"I did."

"So why did he think you'd written it yourself?"

"He thought...he thought that I'd made up a woman who was in love with me, just to make myself feel less lonely. It sounds quite pathetic, when you think about it, but Mick was really in a dark place at this point. I think he truly did not believe that it was possible for werewolves to find love. He couldn't wrap his head around the fact that you knew what I am and still loved me. It took me quite awhile to convince him that you were quite real, and that you were quite as amazing as he'd imagine you are." He smiled at her. "And that's actually one of the things that I was thinking about, that night I was running around trying to find you. The night Dumbledore died. I thought about my conversations with Mick, and how lucky I was that I'd found someone like you, and that I - that I didn't want to lose that. To lose you."

"I do love you," she replied, leaning over to kiss him, "but you needn't make it sound like a charity act."

"I know, that's not what I meant. It's just - I really am so lucky to have you." He beamed at her again. He seemed to be in an exceptionally good mood today, and it was slightly contagious; she couldn't help but grin back at him.

"It sounds like I owe Mick a drink, then, for helping you see the light," she said lightly, laying a hand on his chest as she leaned over to kiss him. "Though I have complete faith in you that you'd have gotten there all on your own."

"I like to think I would have eventually, but you'd put up with my nonsense for too long," he replied, playing with the hair at the nape of her neck. "And I'm so grateful you've put up with my nonsense, as now I regularly feel like I'm the luckiest man on the planet."

"Mmm. Well, I can make you feel even luckier, if you'd like," she replied coyly, starting to undo the top buttons of his shirt. He flushed slightly, but shifted back to accommodate her as she slid into his lap. He'd only been back for a little under two weeks, and despite their hectic schedules for the Order and the craziness Tonks had to put up with at work, it almost felt as if they were back in the honeymoon stage of their relationship. Whether it was sharing a cup of tea and a copy of the Prophet or an evening spent curled up to watch a movie, more often than not most of their activities that started out innocently on the couch concluded with them wearing far less clothes than they had started with.

They lay together quietly for several minutes after what Tonks swore had to have been their millionth lovemaking session of the week; the tea they'd made was now cold on the table next to the settee. Sitting up with a groan, Tonks made to cast a warming charm and nearly knocked it over. Remus stood up, pulling on his trousers and buttoning back up his shirt. "I'll make us some more," he said, taking the mugs from her hand.

"Don't be silly, a reheating charm will do the trick -"

"No, no, I'll make some fresh," he insisted, disappearing into the kitchen. However, when he reappeared, he was not holding any mugs. He knelt down in front of her as she sat up, blanket wrapped around her, confused.

"Remus, why do you look so worried? Is everything okay?"

"I know after everything I've put you through, I really have no right to ask this. I owe everything to you and I still can't quite believe that the way you say you feel about me is real. You owe me absolutely nothing, but it would make me so indescribably happy to spend the rest of my life proving to you how much I love you. I want to prove to you that I'm serious about you. I want to promise to devote my life to you as you keep promising to do for me." Her jaw dropped slightly as she suddenly realized why he was kneeling on one knee. "Will you marry me?"

"Are you mad?" she said slowly.

"I know - I know I've only been back a couple weeks, and -"

"Yeah. Like twelve days, in fact, if you want to be exact," Tonks said, eyes wide as she looked at him.

And it was soon. Would it be crazy? Sure, they'd known each other for nearly two years now, and they'd been fairly serious before he left - but marriage? Tonks knew deep down how much she loved him - with the way she felt now, she didn't think there could be anyone else after him. And she was never sure she'd ever get married. She wasn't opposed to the idea, but she'd never quite been able to picture herself as someone's wife. But now, looking at Remus kneeling in front of her, for the first time, she could imagine it. She would still be herself, and she would spend the rest of her life with the man she loved. But was this something he would really want?

But she was suddenly struck by how sure he looked. The fear that he usually held when it came to their relationship or commitment was gone. His eyes shone with complete surety and confidence. And that's when she knew what her answer was.

At some point, he'd pulled a ring out of his pocket. It looked old and simple. It was beautiful. "This ring was my mother's. I'm sorry I cannot get you something newer. You don't have to have an answer now, and if you say no I will completely underst-"

"Yes."

"And I know. Believe me, I know I sound crazy." He continued on as if he hadn't even heard her. "I'm sorry, I know it's soon - and I don't know if you've ever even thought about marriage. In general I mean, not even with me. I know I certainly never thought that I - that someone like me - could ever even have the chance to be with someone like you, let alone -"

"Yes."

"And even if your answer is no, that doesn't change anything I said before - I will still spend the rest of my life, or as long as you'll have me, proving to you how much I -"

"Remus. Yes."

"What?" He suddenly cut off his nervous rambling, giving her a slightly dumbfounded look.

"Yes, you idiot, I'll marry you," she replied, grinning.

"I - you will?"

"Well, don't act so surprised," she said exasperatedly. "Yes, Remus, yes. I want to marry you."

"Oh. Er, good. Thank you," he said, relief washing over his face. "I mean - I feel that's not quite what I'm supposed to say, is it? Sorry, I am obviously very ill-prepared for this -" She laughed, rolling her eyes as she grabbed his collar and dragged him forward to kiss him.

"I love you, you dork," she murmured against his lips. "There's just one thing."

"What is it?" he replied, suddenly looking worried.

"Why did you bother putting your clothes back on?" she mumbled as she worked feverishly to undo the fly on his trousers. He laughed, reaching down to help her.

"Thankfully, that's a problem we can quickly remedy."

"Yes, well, hurry up. You need to be matching your fiancée's state of nudity after such a proposal, it's the law."

"Is it?"

"I don't make the rules, Mr. Lupin."

"Well, I can't say I'm too inclined to argue, Ms…er -"

"If you're trying to think through what everyone's going to call me once we're married, that's going to take a long time and some flowcharts to figure it all out, so shag me first and then we'll talk about that later."

He laughed as she pulled him down on top of her again. Tonks knew that their problems were far from solved, and that they, along with the rest of the wizarding world, had dark times ahead of them. But for now, she could focus on the small world that she and Remus had; just the two of them on her living room sofa, forgotten tea on the table, a ring on her left hand, and the way he sweetly, lovingly kissed her as he settled between her thighs; and for now, this was enough.

A/N Hey y'all surprise YES I am still alive! I had SUCH trouble with this chapter and I'm still not happy with it, writer's block and some mental stuff going on here but I figured if I don't put it out there I'll literally never end up publishing it and I wanted to wrap up this fic so I may end up changing some stuff later but here it is for now. I hope you're all doing well; I'm planning on trying to work on some oneshots, I have some longer fics I'm trying to plan out but those are probably a long time coming so I'm trying to keep writing anyway to keep the block away. If there's anything anyone would like to see, any requests or ideas, let me know! I can't absolutely guarantee anything bc ~*depression*~ and also just life sometimes slow my schedule down a bit, but I would be willing to give it a go! Thanks for reading!