Chapter 11

Lancelot waited in the car park of Albion with William in the back seat after his talk with Arthur. He'd just finished telling Morgana and Leon everything that had happened so they were up to date, then he'd got into his car to wait with his son for Gwen. "It's really important that you pretend for daddy that you've been at home with him all day, alright?" he'd asked his son, "Don't tell mummy yet. Not until I say it's ok."

"Mummy says lying is bad."

"I know. It is bad. But this has a really, really good reason."

"Ok."

"Thanks, little man. Did you have a good time with Uncle Leon?"

"He let me play with Killi and A-the-thath-aithuths-aha."

Lancelot laughed, "Aithusa?" he supplied.

"Yeah! He said I was doing a really good job looking after them for Uncle Arthur and Uncle Merlin but then they weed on Uncle Leon's paperwork."

Lancelot grinned.

"Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"Where did you go?"

"I went to see Uncle Arthur."

"I thought he was away on holiday."

"He was," Lancelot said, "But he's back now and he isn't very well so I went to see him."

"Why can't we tell mummy?"

"Because Uncle Arthur doesn't want anyone to know just yet. It's really private. You can keep a secret, can't you? For Uncle Arthur?"

"Yeah."

"Good lad. Look, mummy's coming."

Gwen got into the car, "Thanks for coming to pick me up."

"No problem," Lancelot kissed her then glanced at William in the mirror and winked.

"Shall we go and see Merlin after dinner?" Lancelot suggested.

"No point," Gwen said quietly, "Morgana came to work earlier. She said Merlin was starting to get upset so they had to sedate him until his lungs are strong enough to cope if he starts hyperventilating or crying. Poor thing."

"Guinevere." Of course, Lancelot had already known everything his wife had just told him but it would have been out of character for him not to suggest visiting his best friend and couldn't risk Gwen getting suspicious. Arthur had specifically asked Lancelot not to mention his return until he was ready.

"I'm just being sympathetic," Gwen said, "It's not fussing."

"Doesn't matter. He's not a thing, he's a full-grown adult. Don't give him feelings he doesn't have. If you feel sorry for him, he'll feel sorry for himself."

"I wonder what upset him. He must be missing Arthur."

"Yeah, he must be."

Merlin blinked his eyes a few times to clear his head. He'd just been told that he'd been kept asleep for four days while the very, very worst of his illness passed but he couldn't remember what had triggered such a decision. The only plausible explanation he could think of was that his condition had worsened significantly but even then he didn't understand why he couldn't have stayed awake and just dealt with it. It didn't make sense.

None of his friends were there visiting. Merlin supposed that made sense. What was the point of sitting next to a man who was unconscious? Even when he was awake there wasn't much point in them visiting. The ventilator prevented any proper conversation. Sure, he could communicate with writing, but Merlin had woken up with severe chills and his entire body was firstly shivering uncontrollably and secondly swaddled in blankets for warmth. So he couldn't have written anything even if there was someone there to 'talk' to.

So, Merlin was very bored. He wasn't tired, therefore couldn't just sleep off his boredom, he couldn't talk to any of the other patients on the bay and there was nothing else to do. He just lay there, listening to the sound of the breathing that technically wasn't even his own. The doctors had said it was a strong possibility that, without the ventilator, one or both of his lungs would have failed because of the pneumonia. Apparently if that had happened, they were doubtful that they could have done anything about it. It wasn't a risk they were willing to take.

He wondered vaguely if anyone had heard from Arthur yet. 'No,' he thought, 'Surely not. He'd be here if he'd been found. Wouldn't he?' Arthur's absence was tearing Merlin apart. He was so beyond worried. Arthur had been hurt in the ferry incident too. Anything could happen to worsen those injuries and Arthur would be by himself, suffering and in pain. Merlin hated that thought. If no one was there for Arthur when he was hurt, how would he ever believe anyone still cared?

Merlin didn't know if any of his friends would be coming in that day. Would they be being contacted with updates on Merlin's health? He didn't think so, none of them were direct family and the staff didn't have time to track down other people.

"Ok, Merlin," a nurse came over to do some check ups. Merlin was more than used to them babbling on about nothing as they worked so was planning to let her words wash over him until she said, "I've just got off the phone with your husband at home."

Merlin nearly choked. The nurse ignored him which he couldn't help but feel was a little odd but he did have an illness which meant he spent most of the day making weird coughing noises anyway.

"He says he'll ask one of your friends to come in and see you. Isn't it a shame he can't come in himself? But you were caught up in that horrible crash, weren't you? Is he hurt? Are you alright?"

So not only was Arthur back, but Merlin's friends knew and they hadn't said anything. What was going on? Why were his friends lying to him?

Merlin waited impatiently for whoever it was that was coming to visit to arrive. He told himself there was no point trying to figure out what happened or getting worked up before he knew anything but with nothing else to take his mind off it, it was difficult to think about anything else.

It felt like years had passed before Lancelot walked into the bay and sat down by Merlin's bed. Merlin immediately held his hand out, doing the motion they all knew meant he wanted to say something so he needed a piece of paper or a phone. Lancelot wrestled his phone out of his pocket, unlocked it and handed it to Merlin, open on the notes page.

'You've spoken to Arthur," Merlin wrote.

Lancelot sighed, "Yeah."

'Why didn't you tell me?'

"When could I have? You've been asleep since he arrived." Lancelot, as always, felt awkward enough having a conversation with what sounded like himself. But now he also had the added awkwardness of answering to Merlin's fury as he accused Lancelot of lying to him.

'Has he been in to see me?'

"Only once."

Merlin's heart sank.

"He needs time, Merlin, he's really confused. I've been round to see him every day to help him and he's getting so much better. He just feels awful for what he did to you and he's been through a lot. Apologising will be hard for him so he needs to make sure he feels better in himself before facing anyone else."

'He doesn't need to apologise,' Merlin typed.

"Not for your sake, maybe. For he does for his own."

'How long will it take? For him to be able to come?'

"I don't know. We can't rush him. And I think he'll want to be able to actually speak to you properly. You know, when you can reply with your voice."

'Can you do something for me?'

"Of course."

'You said you go to see him every day?'

"For at least an hour."

'Will you bring him a coffee?'

Lancelot let himself into Arthur's house, holding two cups of coffee. He'd followed Merlin's strict instructions on what to get and where to get it from and he'd looked after it as if it was worth the world on the way from the coffee shop to the house.

"Arthur?"

"Kitchen! Tea? Coffee?"

"Actually," Lancelot entered the kitchen, "I've brought the drinks today."

"Oh," Arthur smiled and turned the kettle off, "Thanks. Did you see Merlin yesterday?"

"Yeah," Lancelot said, taking a seat, "Yeah, I did."

"How is he?"

"He's getting better," Lancelot said, "Slowly but surely. His temperature's gone down significantly and he says the pain in his chest is starting to go."

"Is he still on the ventilator?"

"For now. He's also on more sedatives but not as strong starting today."

"Why?"

"He's really awake and alert."

"Isn't that good?"

"Yeah but he's still really sick so he feels miserable and he's in pain. Plus the machines are super uncomfortable and he keeps fidgeting and dislodging stuff. The drugs will make him more comfortable. Take his mind off everything that's wrong with him."

Arthur nodded slowly and took a sip of his coffee before looking up in surprise, "This is-"

"He asked me to."

"He knows?" Arthur screeched.

"His nurse let slip."

Arthur growled, "He must hate me."

"No, Arthur. He's glad you're looking after yourself as a priority now. He told me to tell you that he loves you endlessly regardless. To quote him exactly, 'As soon as I've stopped coughing up my insides, I'll be there and I'll never leave.' He wants the coffee to remind you of a time when you still loved each other as much as you do now but your relationship was different. Because it doesn't matter how you change as individuals, love stays the same."

"Wow," Arthur tried to keep his mood light, "Using coffee as a metaphor. What a sap."

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Lancelot grinned, "But he asked me to say it and I could hardly say no."

Arthur clutched the coffee cup to his chest.

"So," Lancelot said, "What are we talking about today?"

"You don't have to keep doing this, you know," Arthur said.

"Yes, I do. You trust me already, I'm making you feel better and you don't have to pay me. What's the disadvantage?"

"It's not fair to burden you with it all."

"If that were true, I'd tell you. Have I been dishonest with you so far?"

"I suppose not. I still think you should let me pay you, though."

"What for?"

"Your time. Your advice."

"I'm your friend," Lancelot said, "You practically saved my life by employing me in Camelot."

"That's emphasising it a bit," Arthur noted.

"Maybe a tad. But still. I'm grateful. Oh, by the way, Morgana asked me to let you know she'd told Uther you're back. They're all happy to keep their distance but she felt he needed to know."

Arthur nodded, "I think- I think you can tell them they can come and visit. Gwen too if you want. But just them for now."

"Alright. They'll be happy to hear that."

"Can we maybe talk about something else for today? As in not how my emotions were crushing me and how much of a horrible person I am?"

Lancelot glared at him.

"I was kidding. I know I'm not a terrible person. But I do want to talk about something different. You're the only person I speak to so I don't want it to be depressing all the time."

Lancelot smiled, "Sure. What do you want to talk about?"

Merlin had finally been taken out of the ICU and moved to a different ward, leaving most of the uncomfortable machines, including the ventilator, behind him. He was coughing a lot more, which was irritating, and his entire body felt tired and sore. Apparently, that was normal but after spending just over two weeks being drugged to not feel pain and being very drowsy as a consequence, the last thing he wanted was to spend more time sleeping.

Arthur had been back for nearly three weeks now and still, Merlin hadn't seen him. At first, he'd understood. But now, Merlin's own selfishness was making him desperate to see his husband. Talking to him would be like every dream come true all at once. All Lancelot ever said was, "He isn't ready," or, "Give him time." Easy for him to say. Lancelot saw Arthur every day. And now, it seemed like everyone had visited Arthur. In the time he'd been back, Arthur had gradually allowed more and more of his friends and family to see him. So he'd seen everyone except Merlin.

Lancelot was the one who came to see Merlin during the evening visiting hours.

"Will he come now?" Merlin had croaked the second his friend arrived, "I can speak to him."

"He doesn't like seeing you ill."

"How many excuses are you going to come up with for him?" Merlin asked light-heartedly but he meant it.

"Merlin-"

"I know it's hard for him," Merlin spluttered, "I know exactly what it's like to struggle with mental barriers. Just tell me the truth."

"He's scared."

"He's scared of me but he'll let Gwaine see him?"

"He cares about you more than Gwaine. If Gwaine's upset with him, he can deal with it. But you… he needs you to love him."

"I do love him!" Merlin said loudly, causing him to burst into a horrible coughing fit which brought up a substantial bit of blood and phlegm, "Gross," he muttered.

Lancelot took the tissue over to the bin and then poured Merlin a cup of water.

"Merlin, it's not me that needs convincing of your feelings for Arthur."

"Does he really doubt me that much? You've been bringing him that coffee every day!"

"Which I've paid for and delivered. He's got himself stuck in a horrible loop. He needs to see you to feel better but he can't bring himself to come and see you because he wouldn't be able to take it if you were upset with him. And now, he thinks he's a coward so he feels awful again and it goes on and on."

"Will you ask him if he'd be up for calling me? Or even just texting? I'll write him a letter if that's what it takes, I just need something. It's been over a month. It's getting too much."

"I'll ask him," Lancelot promised, "You should know: you're always the first thing he asks about. The second I walk through the door. It's always, 'How's Merlin?', 'Have you seen Merlin?', 'What are the doctors saying about Merlin?'. Every single day. He won't talk about anything else until he knows. Bit like you. Never do anything until you've asked about Arthur."

Merlin smiled.

"So now we've talked about him, time to talk about you. How are you feeling?"

"Like death warmed up. But then frozen again."

Lancelot smirked, "But you're not in the ICU anymore. That's good."

"In some ways. But I also have no excuse to ignore Gwaine when he's babbling on at me anymore."

"Sure you do. Just pretend to be asleep."

"Every single time he's here?"

Lancelot shrugged, "Fake a coughing fit?"

"It would inevitably turn into a real one. No thanks."

"Well sounds like you'll just have to put up with him, then."

"Lance?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think that when I'm allowed out Arthur will be up for looking after me?"

"Yes. I think he will."

Merlin grinned, "That gives me something to look forward to."

"My visits aren't something you looked forward to?" Lancelot pretended to be hurt.

"They are. But your visits also involve me being in hospital."

"Fair. Do you want me to give Arthur a call now, see if he fancies speaking to you?"

"Erm. Yeah. Why not?"

"Be prepared for him to say no, though."

Merlin nodded, "I know."

"Ok. Give me two seconds. Don't fall asleep."

Merlin waited nervously, coughing painfully every so often and twiddling his fingers constantly. Eventually, Lancelot returned holding his phone out. He covered the mic, "Sure you want to?" he asked quietly.

Merlin took the phone and bit his lip. He took a deep breath and said, "Arthur?" in a voice that reminded him of a scared puppy.

"Merlin!" every letter had a different emotion attached to it.

"It's so good to hear your voice," Merlin was surprised at how emotional he was already. Arthur had only said one word.

"Yeah. I know the feeling. Are you ok?"

"Are you ok?" Merlin asked at the same time.

They both laughed a little, a bit awkwardly but it made Merlin's heart flutter.

"Thanks for the coffees," Arthur said after a long pause.

"Lancelot bought them. Not me."

"He also told me the order."

"Liar. It's top secret. He'd never betray me like that."

"I still don't understand why you won't tell me it."

"Because it's special. And I like to get it for you when you're feeling down. I guess Lancelot told you why."

"Yeah. He did."

"I can tell you one of the secret ingredients, though," Merlin said with a little sniffle.

"Oh yeah?"

"It's filled to overflowing with pure, unbreakable love."

"Coffee flavoured love," Arthur's voice was trembling.

"Yeah," Merlin sobbed suddenly, "Arthur-"

"I'm so sorry, Merlin. I should have spoken to you, I don't know why I didn't, I always do. But I didn't want you to start changing how you act just because of me. I didn't want it to feel fake. You mean everything to me and I was so scared to lose that."

"You'd never lose me, Arthur. No matter what you did."

"Don't say that."

"It's true. You shouldn't be sorry for how you feel. And maybe you should have spoken to me but we've both learned something from this. I forgave you before you'd even left that hospital room."

"I'll never forgive myself, though."

"You have to Arthur. If I'd done what you did, you'd forgive me, wouldn't you?"

"Always," he replied immediately.

"So don't be a hypocrite."

"I really missed you."

"Can't blame anyone for that except yourself," Merlin laughed a little.

"True," Arthur made a weird choking noise, "How are you doing? You sound awful."

"Again, no one to blame except you. But don't worry. I look worse than I sound."

"That's reassuring. You'll be getting out of hospital soon, right?"

"Hopefully."

"I'll get the dogs to keep the bed warm for you."

"Really?" Merlin said excitedly.

"Unless you don't want to come back."

"Of course, I do!" Merlin practically screamed in urgency before throwing the phone back at Lancelot to grab a tissue to cough into. It took a few minutes for him to get his breath back this time and he was pale and sweaty by the time he did.

"You good?" Lancelot asked.

"Yeah," Merlin gasped, "Phone?"

Lancelot handed it back and once again took Merlin's tissue off him to take to the bin.

"Are you ok?" Arthur asked immediately.

"Yeah. Sorry."

"Don't be sorry. I should probably let you get some rest."

"No! I-"

"I'll come and see you," Arthur blurted out, "Tomorrow."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I love you, Merlin."

Merlin hesitated as a tear rolled down his cheek and he took a deep breath, "I love you more."

Lancelot took the phone and said goodbye to Arthur.

"Why does he reduce me to a snivelling girl?" Merlin asked furiously, wiping away at his tears.

"If it helps, I think you do the same for him," Lancelot laughed, "He's right though. You need to get some rest and I need to get a doctor to make sure you didn't just set yourself back a few weeks."

"That bad?"

"You look like you just came back from being dead and buried for two years. And you have a lot of blood around your mouth and on your blanket."

Merlin looked down, "Oh."

"Don't worry. I'll go and ask someone."