Chapter 12

Merlin was nervous. His multiple coughing fits the previous day had taken a lot out of him. He'd slept from the moment Lancelot left the room until breakfast the next morning but now he was filled with anxious energy. And now, he was waiting for Arthur to come in. He wasn't scared to see Arthur. He could never be scared of Arthur. It was excited nerves rather than terrified nerves.

Every time he heard footsteps, his head snapped towards the door, hoping to see the beautiful blond he loved so dearly. So far, he hadn't had any luck. But Arthur said he'd come in 'tomorrow' which wasn't very specific at all. That could be any time. That was even more scary. According to the machinery around him, his heart rate and blood pressure had been through the roof since he'd woken up. The nurses kept frowning at him like disapproving parents but he couldn't calm himself down.

Eventually, after hours of staring at the door, the person he'd been waiting for arrived. All the worries Merlin had been thinking about melted away. He'd been slightly concerned that it might be awkward or Arthur would look like he didn't want to be there. But he could practically see the excited energy radiating off Arthur as he walked towards Merlin. The second their eyes met, they both started grinning excitedly and tears welled up.

Merlin took off his oxygen mask off and reached out a hand which Arthur took immediately. Without letting go, Merlin shuffled so he was sitting up and then moved to the side so there was room for Arthur too. For a while, they were happy just to sit together silently, Arthur's arm around Merlin's shoulder and Merlin's head resting on Arthur's chest. They were holding hands tightly and their legs were tangled together.

Merlin felt filled with the tranquil, happy tingling feeling he'd woken up to all those weeks ago. He couldn't remember the experience now thanks to the sedation he'd been put under very soon afterwards but that just made this experience so much better. It felt so right to be in Arthur's arms again, safe and content. He almost forgot all about the pneumonia. All his aches and pains, all the shaking and chilling, all the horrible coughing. None of it seemed particularly important at that moment. He wondered if, all those other times he'd been ill or hurt, he would have felt worse without Arthur.

Merlin was pretty much asleep when Arthur said, "Are we pretending nothing happened, or-"

Merlin shook his head a little, "Do you want to talk about it now?"

Arthur shrugged, "I was kind of enjoying this moment but it has to be addressed at some point."

"Alright," Merlin yawned and sat up with quite a bit of difficulty, "Let me say something first?"

"If you want."

"I'm not upset with you," Merlin said, "I never could be for you feeling a certain way. That's not something you can help. You've helped me through a lot of mental issues and I'm sorry I didn't notice that you needed help too. I don't think I'll ever stop feeling bad about that. And I'm not upset with you for not coming to see me even though you were back. You have to be the most important person in your own life. I understand that. But I do want to say that you were wrong when you said I didn't need you. Because without you I was reduced to a worried, sick, sobbing mess of a person that genuinely- not to be dramatic- probably wouldn't have survived very long.

"I threw myself into work because I wanted everyone else who has any sort of disability to have the same quality of life that you give me every day. And that took away from you which is really that last thing I wanted. I think I'm the one who needs to apologise and you think you are. So the apologies aren't for the benefit of each other. They're for ourselves."

"That's ok," Arthur said, "We're not going to tell each other we don't need to apologise."

"Because we do," Merlin agreed, "Come on then. Time for your soppy speech. Don't make me sound like a lovesick girl if you're not going to as well."

"I didn't prepare a speech," Arthur chuckled, "I only came to say that I'm sorry and I love you. I don't think I ever realised just how much I loved you until I left. And I couldn't come back because I couldn't hurt you anymore than I already had." Arthur kissed Merlin on the top of his head, "See I don't make myself sound ridiculous."

Merlin smiled, "I'm on a lot of drugs right now," he defended, "I can't control what I'm saying."

Arthur laughed, "Really?"

"You're never, ever getting a speech as disgustingly soppy as that one, just so you know."

"It was sweet," Arthur said, "Normally you just tell me you love me slightly more than Gwaine loves apple pie."

"What's wrong with that? It's true."

Arthur laughed, "Will you kiss me properly now?"

"If you tell me where you went."

"I stayed in Ireland. Went to the waterfall."

"That's my place," Merlin joked.

"Exactly," Arthur said seriously, "That was the point."

Merlin looked up at him with wet eyes, "You can kiss me now. As much as you want."

"I've got a lot of making up to do," Arthur said, the end of his sentence murmured and unintelligible thank to the fact his lips were pressed against Merlin's.

Merlin didn't think he'd been so happy in quite a long time. Arthur had been chased off the bed by a nurse when Merlin's blood pressure and heart rate had dropped substantially and very quickly after being raised all day, making him sick and woozy.

Now, they were gazing at each other happily, speaking quietly and still holding hands.

"You were right," Arthur said.

"About what?"

"You do look worse than you sound."

"You're such a flatterer."

"You're still beautiful though. Just not as beautiful as me."

"You catch pneumonia after having uncountable other lung problems and we'll see how pretty you look then."

"Is there ever not going to be something wrong with you?"

"Doubt it. That reminds me, though, how are your ribs?"

"Not too bad. The breaks weren't serious so I just have to take it easy and have plenty of painkillers. No driving, no strenuous exercise. You know the drill."

"You always get off so lightly. Not fair."

"Yeah but then I get burdened with you and your thousands of issues. That makes up for it."

"Burdened!"

"Yeah," Arthur tried to keep himself from smiling, "What would you call it?"

"Oh well, if it bothers you that much, I'll go and stay with Gaius. He loves me staying with him."

Arthur looked deeply wounded, "You wouldn't."

"He's a doctor," Merlin continued, "He's more than used to looking after people. He'll know exactly what I need."

"Stop," Arthur moaned, "It's my job."

"I'm just messing with you," Merlin coughed a few times, "I want to go home with you, I miss the dogs."

"They miss you too. Morgana brought them back over the other day and now they keep running around everywhere sniffing for you. Killi's never wined so much, it's driving me mad."

"Give them both a hug from me."

"They don't get hugs from you if I don't get hugs from you. That's unfair."

"You'll get plenty once that nurse is off duty."

"Why is she so wound up?"

"Must be jealous," Merlin laughed, "She must want a cuddle from me too."

"Yeah right," Arthur laughed.

Merlin coughed, face screwed up in pain. Arthur looked away sadly.

"Don't pull faces like that," Merlin croaked, "I'm not dying."

"Not anymore. You were. It's my fault."

"It's not your fault. It's that stupid hospital in Ireland's fault."

"If they'd told you you had pneumonia, would you have stayed?"

Merlin thought about it, "No, I don't think so. I still would have followed you. But at least everyone would have known."

"Stupid, bloody ferry."

Merlin snorted, in too much pain to laugh properly.

"I'm keeping you awake," Arthur apologised, "You need rest."

"Don't go," Merlin begged.

"Never again. I promise."

So now it was only at night time when Merlin was lonely. Arthur returned home every night for his own bit of space and to stay with the dogs. He'd walk them and feed them in the morning, go in to visit Merlin, return home at lunch time while Merlin was resting to make sure they were alright, spend some time with them, then go back to the hospital for the afternoon and early evening. Merlin would refuse to do anything but sit and talk to Arthur while he was there. He wouldn't take a nap and leave Arthur sitting there, not even if one of his friends was there too. He wouldn't waste any time at all.

It took weeks for him to be discharged. Merlin remained feverish, tired and sore for longer than was usual for patients with his condition. It wasn't anything to worry about but it was enough to make the doctors tell him he had to stay. He'd also been told while he was there that he'd have to wait another few months before he could get a new prosthetic. Merlin didn't mind. Their house and their work were adapted perfectly and he could get around easily even if he had to crawl.

When the time did finally come for Merlin to leave, he was handed a bag of medicine from the pharmacy and a pair of crutches. Arthur had brought in some socks to wrap around the handles and make them more comfortable for Merlin to hold onto. Then, they were on their way out, Gaius following behind. He'd agreed to stay with them for a while to give Arthur some advice when he needed it and to lessen the pressure on him. It had been Hunith's idea. She'd suggested it when she'd spoken to Arthur on the phone a few weeks after he'd returned saying it made sense so long as Gaius was happy to. Arthur was still recovering from the trauma of the ferry crash and Merlin needed someone to be able to go to all the time. Arthur couldn't argue with that. As much he wanted to be the one who was there for Merlin, he had to be well enough to do that.

They piled into Gaius' car carefully and began the drive home. Gaius drove slowly so as not to make the journey too bumpy. Merlin had woken up in a considerable amount of pain and felt slightly nauseous. The more the car rocked and bounced, the worse he felt. He coughed, spluttered and groaned his way home, burying his head in the crook of Arthur's neck the whole time.

"Ready for madness?" Arthur asked, hand on the door-handle. They could already hear the dogs inside losing their minds with excitement.

Merlin nodded. He was already emotional just at seeing their house for the first time in a few months and was braced ready for the attack which was likely to come from Killi and Aithusa in a few seconds. "Why aren't they in the kitchen?"

"Because I came back the other day to find that they'd completely torn it apart while I was with you in the hospital. I haven't had time to clean it and none of the other rooms downstairs have locks except the bathroom."

"So you left them with more things available to break," Merlin chuckled.

"I've got time to clean it up now. Right," he put on a silly voice to say, "Doors opening in three… two… one!"

Arthur swung the door open and immediately two excited balls of fluff- one pure white, one smaller and a dark grey- launched themselves at Merlin. Killi stood yapping loudly and wagging his tail with his front paws up on Merlin's hip while Aithusa ran in circles around them. Arthur squeezed past them into the living room and called the dogs through so Merlin could move without tripping over them. He sat down on the sofa and allowed Killi and Aithusa to jump up beside him so he could cuddle them properly and they could lick his face in return.

"I think they missed me," Merlin laughed.

"It certainly looks like it," Gaius came into the room carrying both his bag and the little luggage Merlin had from the hospital.

"Here, Gaius, I'll take that upstairs for you," Arthur offered, taking the old man's bag from him.

"What about my bag?" Merlin protested.

"Get it yourself," Arthur dismissed.

"I have crutches!"

"You took your leg off."

"I didn't have much choice. It was that or drown."

Arthur shrugged, "Not my problem."

Merlin rolled his eyes and chuckled at Arthur as he left the room to go upstairs. "Have a seat, Gaius," he said.

Gaius studied the dogs uncertainly.

"They're alright," Merlin reassured, "They're just overexcited."

"I'm not quite sure I'm strong enough to survive an attack from Killi," Gaius chuckled as he lowered himself into an armchair.

"Killi's usually a lot calmer," Merlin said, "Aithusa's the menace. Isn't that right?" he looked to the dog and started ruffling her fur, "You're a devil, aren't you?"

"Is the fur safe for you?" Gaius pondered, "Don't they shed a lot"?"

"Arthur brushes them every morning outside before we go for a walk," Merlin explained, "It gets a lot of fur out. Then we just have to stay on top of the hoovering and dusting, and we don't let them stay in our room overnight. It's only ever caused a tickly cough, but-"

"You don't want to risk it," Gaius assumed, "That's sensible."

Arthur came back down, "I've just put it on the bed for you," he told Gaius, "Who wants a drink?"

"I've missed this," Arthur sighed happily. They were lying as close to each other as they physically could, skin pressed up against skin everywhere possible.

"It's so much more comfortable than a hospital bed. And quieter."

Merlin shuffled his head so that his ear was pressed up against Arthur's chest, right above his heart.

"Am I still alive?" Arthur chuckled, "Still beating?"

Merlin nodded happily, "It's comforting."

Arthur smiled, "I can't believe I walked away from this."

"Everyone makes mistakes," Merlin teased.

"Mine was huge," Arthur admitted, "So ridiculously huge."

"Yeah, well. It's ok now."

"Is it? We're still so distant from everyone else. Is that something I just have to get used to? Or can we fix it?"

Merlin thought about it, then laughed, "We could adopt."

"Don't," Arthur chuckled too, "We've talked about that."

"It would be a disaster," Merlin said, "We could do an escape room," he suggested instead, "They require teamwork."

"So we'd be friends for all of two hours before reverting back to how we are now."

"Well unless you want to move in together, I'm not sure what to suggest."

"I'm going to work tomorrow," Arthur said, "To see what it's like. Will you be alright with Gaius?"

Merlin nodded, "Will you be alright without me?"

"I'm sure I'll cope. It's just for a few hours."

"Are you taking the dogs?"

"I don't think Gaius is too keen on them," Arthur said, "Maybe it would be nicer for him if I did take them."

"I agree. He looked after them while we were away, though, didn't he?"

"Reluctantly."

"Well, it's not fair to ask him to look after them while you're out. I think you should take them. The guests love them."

Merlin started coughing and Arthur lifted him into a seated position so he was more upright. "Do you want more pillows?"

"I'll never sleep with any more stacked up like the Eiffel Tower."

"I'd rather that than you choking to death in the middle of the night."

"It's fine," Merlin insisted, "Get some sleep. If you're going to work, you'll need to be up early. Don't leave without saying goodbye."

"Never."

For the next couple of days, Arthur left Merlin in Gaius' trustworthy care through the day while he went to work. He never stayed long and always took the dogs. He'd come back, go out somewhere with Merlin, Killi and Aithusa so Gaius could have some time to himself, then they'd all cook tea together.

Arthur felt a lot better. He made a point of speaking to all his friends every day, even if it was just while they were exchanging some paperwork. They were planning a weekend away somewhere. It would be quite a while away yet to give Merlin a bit more time. They were also still deciding what to do with the children. Luke and Belle, Morgana's children, were still only three and one respectively and neither Morgana, nor Leon, liked leaving them alone while they went away. Especially after the ferry accident.

They'd all restarted their weekend, beach walks like they'd done all those years ago. They all took Saturday mornings off and headed to the coast for a stroll, a hot drink and breakfast. It was always the highlight of their week. The children would run ahead with the dogs while the adults chatted away happily. At times, they'd almost forget that the kids were there at all. It was just like it always used to be, the group of them together. In some ways, that just made Arthur more sad.

"Merlin?" Arthur said one night as they were getting ready for bed.

Merlin grunted through his toothbrush and toothpaste to show he was listening.

"Can we go somewhere? Together. Just the two of us. Nowhere far away, somewhere we can drive to. Maybe in the countryside so we can go out for a walk in the morning somewhere we've not been before."

Merlin washed his mouth out with some water, "When?"

Arthur looked up in surprise, "You want to?"

"Of course I want to!"

Arthur grinned, "Next weekend, maybe?"

"If Morgana will let us off work."

"Let Gaius go home for a while, we get some time to ourselves, the dogs get to explore somewhere new. If you're up for it?"

"Well I won't be climbing up mountains any time soon but maybe if there's a nice lake or river."

"We'll find the nicest cottage available. With a lake and a garden and a meadow."

"If that's what you want."

"Yeah," Arthur said, "It is."