Chapter 13

Their cottage was beautiful. A perfect mix of modern but also cosy and comfortable. The views out the windows were spectacular, and in the morning, the light in their bedroom made everything golden and glowing.

One of these mornings, Arthur found himself staring at Merlin while he slept. They'd booked the cottage for five nights for a surprisingly cheap price. They'd decided that this day would be a lazy day because so far they'd done a lot of walking. For Merlin who was obviously still using his crutches to move around and suffering from the last of his pneumonia, it was tiring. Meaning that the man who was usually an early riser was still fast asleep. Arthur thought he looked beautiful. Sunlight was streaming through a gap in the curtains and falling directly onto Merlin's face, making his pale skin look like an angel's. His dark hair seemed to have bits of white streaked through it and his eyelashes glittered. The scarring which still patterned his skin from previous fires or other accidents melted away and Arthur thought he looked truly magical. He couldn't help but stare and take the opportunity to remind himself of just how much he loved Merlin.

Not only was he extremely good looking but he was always so at ease with Arthur, always trusting him completely. He'd been through more than anyone ever should yet still managed to be the happiest, most understanding person Arthur had ever met. He always had a glimmer in his eye and a smile on his lips. You could tell him anything and he'd know exactly what to say in response, he wasn't scared of admitting how he felt or if he was uncomfortable or anxious with something. He'd never get angry with anyone else for acting a certain way because he always managed to put it into a perspective that made it more understandable. He was funny, had a cheerfulness about him that spread faster than any disease and seemed to make friends with everyone he meant.

In short, Merlin deserved so much more than the troubled life he had, filled with tragedies and accidents. Once, he'd said to Arthur, "I'm glad it's me. I'm fortunate enough to be able bounce back. I can carry on. Other people can't and it's them who don't deserve to be hurt. No one deserves to be mentally affected permanently by something that shouldn't have happened."

Now, looking at him, so young and peaceful yet so aged and hurt as well, all Arthur could think to say was, "I'm going to protect you, Merlin. From now on. I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

Because this was the life Merlin deserved. Out somewhere he loved with the person he loved and the pets he loved. A job back home that he loved and friends there who he also loved. Not the life he sometimes had. Stuck in hospital with no one to visit because they were all working while he was dying. Arthur being alone at home and someone else looking after the dogs. That wasn't what Arthur wanted for Merlin, no matter how well he dealt with it.

"I've had enough now," Arthur continued to no one in particular, "No more. I won't see you put in hospital again. Agravaine is gone, no one wants to hurt us anymore. And I'll get you the best treatment in the world if it means seeing you completely healthy again. No more lung infections three times a year, there has to be a way to stop it. I swear to you, I'll give you the best I can. Always for the rest of our lives. Anyone would run to the moon and back for you, Merlin. Because you're the most amazing person in this whole world. I can prove it- even hospitals love you. But I'm not letting them take you anymore. That's the end of it." Arthur kissed Merlin really gently and pressed their noses together, "I love you."

Merlin didn't even twitch. That was something else Arthur always found so entrancing about Merlin. Awake and he was always on the move or chattering away to someone about everything and nothing. Asleep, and the only movements were the rise and fall of his chest, the flickering on his eyelids, and the way his lips moved the smallest amount as if he were talking to someone. He wouldn't fidget or turn or move from the second he fell asleep to the second he woke up. Like he was frozen in a dream. Arthur thought it was adorable.

A few hours later, Merlin's arms tightened around Arthur's waist and he made a small squeaking sound that melted Arthur's heart. Arthur kissed the end of Merlin's nose, "Good morning."

"Morning," Merlin shuffled closer to Arthur and smiled, "This is nice."

Arthur hummed in agreement, "Sleep well?"

Merlin nodded, his hair tickling Arthur's chest, "You?"

"Yeah."

"What time is it?"

"No idea. But I'm surprised the dogs have been so quiet."

"How about we make the most of that?" Merlin opened his eyes for the first time and grinned cheekily at Arthur. He placed both hands on Arthur's chest and propped himself up, staring down at Arthur from above, "You look extremely tempting right now."

"Yeah?" Arthur raised an eyebrow, "I think that's a wonderful idea."

Merlin and Arthur returned from their holiday feeling happy and relaxed. They turned up for work relaxed and ready, until Morgana came up to them, clutching her phone to her chest.

"Arthur," she said solemnly, "A word?"

"What's happened?"

"Dad's in hospital," Morgana informed him gravely.

Arthur's face fell and Merlin shifted all his weight onto his foot so he could put his crutches down and take Arthur's hand. "Why?" Arthur breathed.

"He's had a stroke. A haemorrhage in one of the blood vessels near his brain."

"Is he alright?"

"No, Arthur," Morgana swallowed, "He's dying."

They were in Leon's car in an instant, Merlin and Arthur in the back and Morgana in the passenger seat. Merlin had his arm around Arthur's shoulders and was tracing little hearts on the back of Arthur's hand.

Uther was dead before they reached the hospital. It broke Arthur more than he ever thought it would. He sat with Merlin in a little room they'd been shown to by the staff, both of them crying silently.

"He would have been in pain if he'd survived," Arthur sniffled, "He was a good man. He wouldn't have deserved to be in pain."

Merlin nodded, "You're right. He was an amazing man."

"I never got to say anything to him," Arthur cried, "He was alone, Merlin. There was so much I should have done with him!"

"You can't think about what might have happened in the future," Merlin said softly, "Think about what did happen. He saw both of his children get married to people they're happy with. He watched them set up one of the best businesses in the world. He was so proud of you, Arthur and he loved you so much. That's all he needed."

"Most people get to look after their parents when they're old. Take them out to do their shopping. Bring them with you on day trips to country parks. Visit them for tea and biscuits and maybe watch while they spoil the grandkids. My mum didn't even meet her child, let alone her grandchild. My dad and I argued for years and just when it was starting to look like he'd actually become part of my family again, he's taken away!" Arthur stood up and punched the wall angrily. "Why is it all so unfair, Merlin? Why do I have to watch everyone I love get hurt over and over and over again?"

He fell to his knees and wailed loudly.

"Arthur," Merlin's heart broke for his husband and he did his best to get down on the floor next to Arthur and peeled his hands away from his face and held them tightly, pressing them to his lips and kissing his knuckles. "What can I do to make it better?"

"Just be here. Always be here. Never go anywhere."

Merlin nodded, "I wouldn't dream of doing anything else."

Arthur really struggled with his father's death. It was a good thing that Gaius was still staying with them because they really needed the extra support. Merlin just about managed to take care of the dogs by himself. Feeding and playing with them was easy. Walking was difficult to begin with but Merlin got used to it. Some days, Arthur didn't fancy going out and would just stay inside doing bits of housework. So, Merlin had to figure out a way to walk both dogs by himself with crutches. It was challenging but he'd soon worked out that he could tie the leads to the crutches and the dogs were well behaved enough to walk at a sensible pace and not pull him over.

The funeral was quite a small event despite how famous Uther had been. Arthur didn't like private events to be any more public than necessary and he and Morgana had both agreed to keep it quiet. Not even all their friends came. Arthur and Merlin, and Morgana and Leon, obviously, Gwen and Lance came, Gaius came, and a few other of Uther's close friends or colleagues came. That was it.

Merlin was proud of Arthur for how strong he'd been throughout the day. He was heading upstairs, still wearing his shirt and smart trousers with his tie loose around his neck. He sat on the stairlift, tray of tea on his lap, considering how he was going to get from the top of the stairs to the bedroom with the drinks. Gaius had helped him as far as the stairs but, as he'd said, "I'm getting old, Merlin. I can't be going up and down stairs over and over. It does nothing for my knees."

So, once the chair had stopped, Merlin looked around to figure out what to do. Arthur was in bed already and Merlin was not about to get him up just to get a cup of tea. Very carefully, Merlin placed the mugs on the ground and stood up, using the wall to keep his balance. Then he bent down picked up both mugs in one hand and a crutch in the other before slowly standing up again. Impressed with how he was doing so far, Merlin hopped into his and Arthur's bedroom, using the crutch for support.

"Here," he handed Arthur a mug, "And it better not be cold after everything it took to get them up here."

"How did you do it?" Arthur asked, staring at the mug.

"It was a lot more difficult than it might sound, actually," Merlin sat down, "So I had to use one crutch and-"

"I didn't mean the tea," Arthur smiled a little bit, "How did you come back to work and carry on after your father died? I never noticed anything was wrong, you were so strong. But if it felt anything like how I feel now-"

"I had to," Merlin said, "For you. I was young, I didn't understand and I thought that showing that I was upset would make you think I was weak. I only wanted to be the best I could be for you. And you would have shouted at me for getting tears in your coffee."

Arthur nearly chuckled, "You hid all of this?"

"Everyone feels differently after losing someone they love. Every circumstance is different. You knew your father so much more than I ever knew mine."

"You had a better childhood."

"Which was something I'd already said goodbye to long before he died. My father was a big part of my childhood, your father was a big part of your adult life. The night he died was on the first day I saw him in years. He wasn't the same man that I knew as a boy. You lost the father you had but I lost the father I used to have. It's completely different."

"How long does it take for the pain to go away?"

"It never does. Not for anyone you lose, no matter how you lose them. My father and Will for me," Even now he choked on his brother's name, "Your mother and father for you. You don't forget how much it hurts to be without them. But it makes you appreciate what you have left even more. You're never left alone, regardless of how it feels. That's what I've learned."

Arthur nodded and downed the rest of his tea in a few large gulps. "You look completely spectacular, by the way. Can you wear a suit all the time?"

"I literally wear one every day for work."

"Yeah but this one is… I can't stop staring!"

Merlin laughed, "I'm not sure that's entirely appropriate given the occasion."

"I don't care. That shirt around your arms and the trousers around your waist and-" Arthur looked flustered, "Sorry."

Merlin grinned, "Don't be sorry. It's just a strange way of mourning."

"It's medicine," Arthur put his mug down and crawled across the bed to Merlin.

"Yeah?"

Arthur nodded and looked Merlin up and down.

"Are you sure?" Merlin put his mug down too.

"Definitely."

"You're not going to wake up in the morning crying because you've dishonoured your father's memory? You just buried him, Arthur, I don't want you to-"

"Shut up," Arthur sealed his lips over Merlin, "My father loved you too. He wouldn't want you to be neglected, especially when you look so irresistible."

"Gaius is downstairs," Merlin reminded him.

"I said shut up."

As it turned out, Arthur did wake up crying. Merlin looked down. He was sitting up, trying to read a book but failing miserably because his mind kept wondering. As much as they'd clashed at the start, Uther really had loved Merlin like a son, too.

"Arthur?"

He shook his head and sat up, wiping his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"What is it?"

"Just memories. Old memories."

"Happy ones?"

"Yeah," Arthur giggled, "Really happy."

"Tell me."

They spent the morning in bed. Arthur recounted stories he had with his father and they laughed and cried and talked for hours until Gaius came in and told them that he needed help with looking after the dogs.

So Arthur got better. Merlin had been right, just like he always was. He didn't forget his father, or the regrets that had come with his death. He missed Uther but he appreciated his new life. Yet there was always a niggling feeling at the back of his head that he still wasn't quite happy. And every tiny little thing reminded him of it. If he arrived at work and whoever was behind the desk simply said, "Hi," instead of stopping for an actual chat. If everyone was too busy at lunchtime to meet anyone else. If they ended up having to sit at different tables in the pub because there wasn't one big enough for all of them. If someone couldn't come out for their walk on a Saturday morning. Even when Gaius moved back to his own home after staying with them for those few weeks.

"Am I expecting too much?" Arthur asked Merlin after ranting for about twenty minutes.

"No, Arthur, it's just hard."

"I'm expecting people to do things they'd never normally do! What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing is wrong with you," Merlin said sternly, "You've suffered through so much and always indirectly. You watch other people get hurt and that hurts you. It's not easy, Arthur."

"I feel stupid. I can't stop these thoughts from being in my head, constantly! I try to chase them away but they're stronger and- what do I do, Merlin?"

It continued for months. Arthur would always talk to Merlin and Merlin would always make it seem better. For a while. Then something else would set his paranoia spinning and off he'd spiral. He felt disgusted at himself for constantly wanting more attention than anyone would give. Well, anyone except Merlin. Merlin seemed perfect in every way to Arthur. He didn't know what had happened to make that so but he was so happy it had. Merlin was like his guardian angel and could do no wrong.

That was something, Arthur would think to himself. At least when his brain made everyone else seem against him, Merlin was always surrounded in that pure, golden light.

"We should go on holiday," Gwaine announced loudly one morning as they gathered for a meeting, "A road trip. No planes or boats. We'll hire a little minibus thing that we'll all fit in and just drive somewhere together."

"Alright," Leon stared at him, "Thanks Gwaine. That wasn't exactly what this meeting was meant to be about, but-"

"I've had enough of meetings," Gwaine persisted, "I want a break. We've made this chain, improved people's lives, whatever but now I want a holiday."

"You can take leave whenever you like to go on holiday," Morgana pointed out, "We're not exactly strict about it."

"I know. But I want all of us together. Ever since we first opened, we've come in every day and worked our backsides off to create this. And I've loved every second, but," he took a breath, "I'm bored. I want to explore places. Go somewhere exciting with my best friends. Have fun like people our age should be having fun."

"Gwaine, it's not as simple as that," Morgana said, "We have responsibilities, this is work. We can't just pack up and leave whenever we fancy."

"How many of you have travelled?" Gwaine asked, "Actually gone on holiday somewhere exciting and had a good time? None of you. Because you've always thrown yourselves into work! And that's great, look what we've achieved! But I don't want the rest of my life to be working non-stop until I'm retired and too old to travel anywhere, no matter how much good it does to other people. I want to do good for my best friends."

"It's not actually a bad idea," Elyan said thoughtfully, "I could use some time away from here. And no one's ever really taken more than a long weekend off."

"What about our children?" Gwen asked.

Everyone had completely forgotten the meeting they were meant to be having.

"They can c-"

"No," Gwaine interrupted easily, "They're not coming. Look, I love my daughter with all I have but this is a friends' holiday. We're not getting distracted by screaming children."

"Gwaine, Luke is only one," Morgana said, "I can't leave him for long with strangers."

"Why? He won't remember it."

"Gwaine!"

"What? Come on! Don't' say you don't want to. Driving around listening to music, having a great time. Then when we get wherever we're going, we can explore towns or climb up mountains or swim in lakes or do whatever we want! Just for a few days. Then we come back, see our children, and return to work. What's wrong with that?"

"I could ask Freya if she'd come over and manage," Merlin suggested, "She'd probably look after some of the kids too, she's dying to be a mum."

"What about her hotel?"

"The management team is huge," Arthur said, "We hired loads, remember? If Freya and Matthew came over here, there'd still be plenty of people left to manage the Ireland branch. They'd all just be working a few extra hours."

"Which we'd pay them for!" Gwaine said happily, "Come on, it's a great idea!"

"I'm up for it," Percival agreed.

"It'll take ages to plan," Gwen said, "We can't just ask Freya to come over and manage an entire hotel with no warning."

"But that works great for us," Arthur said, "Merlin's due to get a new prosthetic soon."

"Give me some time to get it then get used to it and I'll be good to go," Merlin said, "That gives us plenty of time to sort everything out here and I'll be walking up mountains with the rest of you no problem."

"Excellent!" Gwaine clapped his hands together, "Who's in?"