Chapter 25

Merlin's surgery came around fairly quickly. They tried to just continue their life as usual with the added shadow of the oncoming operation. The drugs he had to keep inflammation down around the tumour tended to make Merlin feel quite sick and dizzy so they had started arriving at work later so he had a bit of time in the morning to sit outside and let the fresh air ease his swirling stomach.

Before they knew it, Merlin was in his hospital bed the night before his surgery. He was a lot more scared than he was letting on to Arthur who had just left and he wouldn't be seeing until after the operation. In reality, Merlin was terrified. Terrified of the fact he'd had a growth inside his lungs for years without knowing. Terrified of going under anaesthetic after he'd reacted badly to it before and not even known. Terrified of the very idea that anything could go wrong and he just wouldn't know. He wouldn't wake up, he wouldn't see Arthur, he'd just die on a theatre table.

It was a horrifying thought that Arthur could be getting a call the next day to tell him Merlin was gone and Merlin wouldn't know at all. Arthur would have to tell Hunith and Freya and everyone else. Merlin didn't want to leave anyone behind to deal with his death and he was deeply scared that it was going to happen. He'd been emotional and teary all day, especially when the time had come for Arthur to leave. Merlin's operation was at some ridiculous time in the morning so Arthur had wanted him to be well rested for it and he'd left early.

Sleep didn't come easily for Merlin. It never did when he was away from Arthur but when he was also only hours away from a surgery which terrified him, it was even harder. His mind was buzzing with all sorts of awful outcomes which were getting more and more ridiculous with each one.

Arthur at home was equally terrified. He'd spent most of the night talking to Freya and Matthew to try and keep their minds off things until they were so tired they'd be able to go to bed and fall asleep quickly. It hadn't worked. They'd just ended up being tired and worried. Arthur was jealous of Freya having Matthew there with her for comfort. He was telling himself he was being ridiculous and there was nothing to worry about but it was difficult to convince yourself of anything sensible when you're worried. And Arthur was more than worried.

He was as good as useless at work the next morning. Everyone else had managed to distract themselves with the work because they knew it was important for it to get done. Arthur was not in the same mindset. He'd told himself that because everyone else was motivated, he didn't have to be, and that had only made him feel like he'd taken on everyone else's stress too.

He left at lunchtime and drove straight to the hospital. Though he hadn't received any calls, Arthur had been told approximately how long the operation would take and knew there wouldn't be any point starting work again after their lunch break. So, instead of sitting there and distracting everyone, Arthur had packed up and left, once again allowing his sister-in-law to take care of his dogs.

The hospital seemed ten times larger than usual as Arthur walked through it. He went straight to Merlin's ward and sat down. Obviously Merlin wasn't there and there was a gap in the room where his bed was meant to be but the nurses had said he could go in and wait. They'd apparently come and talk to him in a second when they had some news.

Arthur picked up the photo Merlin had on his bedside table of them at their wedding. He traced Merlin's figure with his finger and smiled to himself. He was so excited for Merlin to look as happy and healthy as he did in that photo again.

"Ok," a nurse came in, "Arthur?"

"Yes," he stood up.

"Merlin's actually in recovery now."

"Already?"

"Yes. I'll let the surgeon explain more for you but as far as I can tell he'll be just fine."

"Amazing. Am I allowed down?"

The nurse nodded, "I'll take you."

Arthur followed him to the recovery ward and waited at the desk while he found the surgeon who had operated on Merlin.

"Is he alright?" Arthur asked the second he saw the surgeon.

"He's fine," she assured him, "It was a little more complicated than we might have hoped and his vitals started to go down hill a bit towards the end which is why we cut it short."

"Because of the anaesthetic?"

The surgeon nodded, "It's a long time for anyone to be under and given his past with it, we were expecting some sort of reaction. But we're happy with what we did and in the next couple of days there'll be scans and tests done to make sure we did remove all of the tumour."

Arthur continued to talk to the surgeon about recovery and care for a while before she had to go and Arthur went to sit with Merlin. As always when visiting Merlin in hospital, Arthur was struck with how small and vulnerable his husband looked. Like the pain he was in was shrivelling him down.

"If I could take on everything that's ever happened to you so you didn't have to deal with it, I would in half a second," Arthur said quietly and he bent down and kissed Merlin's forehead, "I suppose it's not half as annoying for me as it is for you."

He texted Morgana, Freya and Hunith to let them know what was happening. Freya's response said once they'd finished at work, they'd drop the dogs off at home with Matthew and Leon and then the girls would come in to see them.

When Merlin woke up, he was groggy and disorientated for a few minutes before he could pull himself through his drug induced haze and speak properly.

"Did it go well?" he asked Arthur.

"Really well. You'll be fine."

"No more infections?"

"Considerably less," Arthur assured him, "How are you feeling?"

"Strange."

"Yeah? How so?"

"I can't feel anything. All heavy and numb."

"That's because you're very high. You had a different anaesthetic this time to try and reduce the chance of a reaction, remember?"

"Did it work?"

"A lot better," Arthur stroked Merlin's hair softly.

The effects of the anaesthetic wore of gradually over a couple of hours and once the nurses were happy, Merlin was taken back up to his normal ward where he'd stay until he was allowed to go home in a few days.

By the time Morgana and Freya arrived, Merlin was talking happily to Arthur, feeling nothing but a little discomfort. Of course, that was because he was being filled to bursting with painkillers and his torso was wrapped up tightly in bandages so he wouldn't have been able to move even if he wanted to. He was taking small, shallow breaths to avoid aggravating his lungs but chatted away like nothing was wrong.

Arthur couldn't help but be delighted. He felt slightly stupid for getting so worked up over what had ultimately been completely fine but his relief was far superior.

When Merlin fell asleep in the early evening, Arthur looked at the girls and grinned. Merlin had been given more painkillers to help him sleep and mean that he'd be able to go for scans whenever they were available without him being woken. During one such scan, Arthur, Morgana and Freya went out to get some dinner and found themselves in brilliant moods.

Brilliant moods which were shattered completely when they returned to the hospital and found Merlin in tears. Arthur ran to him immediately and sat on the edge of the bed, "What's wrong?"

"There were two tumours," he cried, "It looked on the first x-ray like it was just one but they've removed one and it's still there."

"And they didn't find it during surgery?" Morgana fumed.

Merlin shook his head, looking completely terrified.

"So does that mean-" Freya started,

"Cancer," Merlin finished, "I have cancer."

"No," Arthur said immediately, "It's not, it's just- whatever caused the first one caused the second one too. It's-"

"Arthur," Morgana took her brother's hand and shook her head.

"If they can remove the second tumour, then I'll be fine," Merlin said, "So long as there aren't any cancerous cells anywhere in my bloodstream. But if there are then we have problems."

"So what happens now?"

"Emergency surgery tonight," Merlin said, "More tests, more scans, more drugs. More time in hospital."

"Is that safe?" Arthur fretted, "More anaesthetic after what happened this morning?"

"Well there's not much choice. The longer we leave it the higher the chance of spreading."

"But you could die in theatre."

"Arthur," Merlin sounded heartbroken.

"I'm sorry," Arthur sighed, "I just- it's so unfair!" he stood up sharply, knocking his chair over in the process and ran outside.

Morgana took Merlin's hand supportively, "I'm sorry. He's just upset."

"I know," Merlin assured her, "I understand."

"You're very calm," Freya noted, "Are you ok?"

"I don't think it's really sunk in," Merlin admitted, "My life has always just been one thing after another constantly. Every time we think we have closure, it turns out there's something else. This feels like standard at the moment."

"Do you want me to call mum?" Freya offered.

"I don't know."

"She's always been really good at understanding what's going on," Morgana said.

"But this is different. This is terrifying. And if the surgery tonight fixes everything then she will have got worked up for no reason."

"I think this is something she needs to know, Merls," Freya said.

"I'll do it," Merlin said, "Would you go and make sure Arthur's alright?"

Telling his mother was extremely difficult. Not once did either of them mention the word 'cancer' but it was implied enough for Hunith to get the idea from Merlin's shaking voice and sniffles.

"They said there's a chance it could have all been one tumour that's grown strangely," Merlin explained at one point, "They might never know for certain if it was one or two."

Arthur returned just as Merlin was finishing talking to his mother. Merlin squeezed Arthur's hand and smiled at him briefly. As soon as Merlin out the phone down, Arthur apologised with a tone of desperation.

"You just don't deserve it, Merlin. People can live their whole lives without going to hospital for something but we're here every month with something new. I just want you to live peacefully but you constantly have a health issue to worry about. And now this… it's frustrating and upsetting and terrifying."

"I know. It'll be alright, Arthur. This will fix things. Fewer infections and complications. I'll be healthier with it gone."

"Unless it spreads and you really do have cancer."

"We should have expected it," Merlin said, "All the treatments and just my bad luck in general, it was bound to happen. The statistics for-"

"Don't 'statistics' me," Arthur threatened, "I'm scared, Merls. Mostly of the idea of you having two surgeries in one day. It's really dangerous."

"I know. I'm scared too. But they're thinking about using a local anaesthetic instead of a general one so it's safer."

"They want you to be awake?" Arthur sounded horrified.

"I won't feel anything. And there's less chance of me dying, so I think I'd prefer it. We'll see, though."

In the end, that's exactly what happened. A local anaesthetic numbed his entire chest and a light sedative kept him relaxed. It was a very strange sensation and he could still feel people poking and prodding at him but there was no pain and his mind was thick with the effect of the drugs anyway. What Merlin found particularly strange was the fact he felt himself falling asleep after a while. His breathing was slowing but he didn't notice it wasn't getting any deeper. His eyes were rolling back into his head but he didn't know his eyelids were flickering. His grip on consciousness was slowly loosening but he didn't realise that it was his grip on life that was slipping too.

The surgeons tried to keep him conscious but it seemed like the strain from two major surgeries on an already weak body was getting too much very quickly.

Arthur stayed in the hospital even though he knew it would be a very long night. But he was too shaken up and scared to go anywhere else. A kind nurse had been giving him updates regularly but he hadn't seen her in a while which was concerning him.

"Is it Arthur?" someone approached him.

"Yes, that's me."

"Merlin Pendragon's husband?"

"Yes. Is everything alright?"

"Perhaps we should go somewhere private."

Arthur stopped and his heart sank straight down to the floor below. Somehow, he managed to get his legs working and he stumbled after the doctor.

"Take a seat," the doctor said and Arthur fell into the chair. His pulse was racing faster than it ever had before and he was sweating everywhere.

"Is he alright?"

"He is alive," the doctor assured Arthur, "But the stress of two surgeries was a bit much like we feared. Look, I'm really sorry but Merlin's fallen into a coma. His body shut down part way through the operation so we had to stop it obviously but we will continue to treat the tumour for as long as it takes."

"Even though he's in a coma?"

"Yes."

"What are the chances of the cancer spreading?"

"We don't know if the two operations Merlin had today were to remove separate tumours just because of the nature of them. A benign tumour isn't very dangerous so long as it's treated properly. With any luck, there's no risk of anything spreading."

"Is there anyway to find out for definite?"

"We were hoping there wouldn't be a need to and the surgery would just get rid of it. Now, we'll have to do a test to find out if it'll need cancer treatment or whether we can just keep an eye on it until he wakes up."

"When will that be?"

"I don't know."

"His chances?"

"It's hard to say. I think you need to go home and get some rest and then when you come in tomorrow, we'll have some more information for you."

Arthur nodded.

"He'll be taken to a new ward but I'll make sure you're contacted so you know where he'll be."

"Thank you."

"Alright. I'll be here tomorrow at some point so I'll try and see you."

That meant a lot to Arthur. Over the years, he'd met a lot of doctors and hospital staff. A lot of them blurred together because they were all at such a high standard of both professionalism but also compassion and understanding. But the few that made the extra bit of effort would always be particularly memorable for Arthur. When you or someone you love was in a hospital, there were a lot of mixed and scary emotions running around inside you and having someone there to be kind to you was amazing.

He'd planned to let Freya and Matthew sleep until the morning when he'd tell them what happened but found them asleep on the sofa, clearly having planned to wait up for Arthur to return. Arthur thought it would be unfair to leave them there all night and waking them up would mean explaining so, reluctantly, he shook Matthew, then Freya awake. They took one look at his grave expression and braced themselves for bad news.

"He's in a coma," Arthur said without even greeting them, "The surgery went wrong and he just shut down."

"Gave up?" Freya asked.

Arthur shrugged, "I guess so."

"Will he be ok?" Matthew wrapped an arm around his wife.

"I don't know. The doctor said they'll have more news in the morning. I'll call everyone after I've spoken to the doctors. There's no point worrying everyone now when we're all tired. I'm not in the mood to say the same thing over and over to loads of different, grumpy people."

Freya and Matthew both nodded in understanding. "Should we call mum?"

"Not without the facts," Arthur said, "Unless you feel up to telling her."

"We'll leave it until tomorrow so long as she's the first person we call."

"Definitely," Arthur hadn't even considered prioritising anyone else.

"Ok. Well, let's try and get some rest and we can get up early in the morning," Matthew suggested.

Arthur looked down at his watch, "Well, three hours of sleep sounds good to me," he said sarcastically, "I'll just check on the dogs. See you in the morning."

He was barely in bed for a couple of hours before he had to get up and went downstairs. He felt like he'd been neglecting Killi and Aithusa recently with everything which was going on and definitely taking Freya and Matthew's presence for granted. They were more than willing to help with the dogs which made it easy for Arthur to forget that they needed his attention too.

Arthur took them for a long walk, played with them and, when they got home, cuddled them for a bit. It made him feel better, partially. But it also made him miss Merlin more. Merlin was the reason he had either of the dogs or was living in the house he was in. He was the inspiration for the business everyone ran.

When Freya and Matthew got up, all three of them ate a quick breakfast and then set off, leaving the dogs safe in the house.

"Arthur!" the surgeon from the previous night approached him when they arrived at Merlin's ward, "You're in early."

"We found it difficult to sleep," Arthur admitted, "I didn't expect to see you here."

"Long shift. I promised to check in on Merlin, didn't I?"

"I appreciate it," Arthur shook his hand, "This is Freya, Merlin's sister, and her husband, Matthew."

"Lovely to meet you both. I have good news for you, actually."

"Really?"

"We're almost completely certain that the tumour is benign. That means we just need to keep an eye on it until he's strong enough to have it removed."

"When will that be?"

"Not for a few months, I don't think. I'm not the person to be asking at the moment. Merlin's doctor is around though, somewhere and she'll speak to you. I'm off home."

"Thank you for everything," Arthur said.

"I hope I'll see you again," the surgeon said, "Good luck."

Merlin's doctor didn't tell them much more than the surgeon had. Basically, the tumour wasn't dangerous, the coma was just his body's way of saying it went through too much and he needed time to recover. But he should be alright and that was the main thing. So long as he woke up.

They spent some time calling everyone to get them up to date and then sat with Merlin. It was difficult for Arthur and he found himself feeling very emotional and overcome. When Freya and Matthew went out to find some hot drinks for everyone, Arthur took Merlin's hand, "This is how it started, Merlin. You in a hospital bed in a coma. Everyone else worried about you. Everything else came full cycle. I've been thinking about that a lot. When Camelot got damaged and it was all so overwhelming for you because it had all happened before. I hoped that might be the end of everything because I thought that's how all of this started. With Camelot burning down. But it wasn't really. It wasn't how we started. We started because I couldn't bare to leave you on your own when you were here.

"Now I know that what happened at Camelot the other day was the beginning of the end. This is the end. A full cycle. So it's up to you to decide what it's the end of. Wake up, we can deal with the tumour and it'll be the end of this chapter, I guess. The chapter where you're in here constantly. Or, you don't wake up and it's the end of," Arthur gulped, "Well, everything. I really truly believe that that's what this means. We can recover from this and then have the most amazing lives with a job we love and are proud of, a group of friends who couldn't be closer and, most importantly, each other. We can live peacefully and be happier than we've ever been before. But only if you wake up. If you die… I don't want to believe that the only time we will have had together was full of pain and suffering for you.

"Maybe I've read into this too much. You know at school when you have to analyse stories and make up stuff that definitely wasn't written intentionally? Maybe I'm doing that in some crazy false hope. I love you more than anyone on this planet loves anyone else. I'm sure of that. I know that we've always said you deserve better than the bad luck you have. I just hope that all of your bad luck happened over the past few years and from now on, it'll be better. You deserve that." Arthur paused and kissed Merlin's forehead, "Please be alright, gorgeous. I need you."