Chapter 26

A week seemed to pass a lot slower than it usually did for Arthur. Work was a lot more chaotic than usual because they were dealing with the after effects of the Camelot disaster. Arthur was putting in the extra effort when it came to looking after the dogs while also visiting Merlin regularly, keeping himself and everyone else up to date with what was going on with his condition. He felt like he was living in a haze. Doing what needed to be done when it needed doing but not really living properly without Merlin. He was terrified that he was going to live the rest of his life like that. By himself.

Every day he'd look at something and think that if Merlin didn't make it, he wouldn't be able to live with it in his house anymore. First it was small things, like Merlin's favourite mug or one of his blankets. But it got out of hand very quickly. Soon, Arthur was planning to get rid of their bed, their whole house, their photos, even the dogs, in a future which hadn't happened yet. He knew it was bad and unhealthy. But the thought of living the same life with the same possessions just without Merlin was distressing and sickening.

Freya and Matthew had left after a few weeks. They'd wanted to stay with Arthur and make sure he was coping but their job was in Ireland and they also wanted to check in on Hunith. There wasn't really anyone there with her. Arthur had his sister, his friends, even Gaius. Hunith was on her own, miles away from her ill and possibly dying son. Freya had felt like it was her responsibility to be there for her mother.

It was terrifying that Merlin only seemed to be getting worse. Paler, thinner, weaker. He looked tired which didn't seem to make any sense. It was eating Arthur up inside. Something that had been inside Merlin for years had been causing so many of the health issues he'd suffered through and no one had found it. No one had suspected and now it could very well kill him.

There was about a month until Christmas. Arthur felt sick to know he might be spending it alone. He was heading to the hospital for a meeting with Merlin's doctor and worried about what they were going to say. Morgana was with him but she didn't really seem to know what to say or do.

"We have to get this tumour out," the doctor said to Arthur, "We're worried it'll kill him before he wakes up."

"So a third operation?"

"Is it safe?"

"It's the only thing we can do. I need your permission since he can't give his."

"Can I think about it? Can we talk through it?"

"Of course. What would you like to ask?"

"If he has this operation, what are the chances he'd survive? Higher than if we don't do anything?"

"Yes."

"Considerably?"

"Not hugely but definitely."

"But he'd be in more pain?"

"It's more recovery. A third operation to do the same thing tried twice before in the same much is a lot of strain. Especially given the consequences they've had already. If he pulls through, it'll be more recovery. Longer here and more time at home to get on his feet. But it would mean that the only time he'd have to be back here is for check-ups."

"Whereas if we don't do the operation now and he survives, he'll have to come back to have it at some point."

"Exactly."

Arthur sighed and buried his head in his hands.

"Arthur," Morgana said quietly, "He'd want to have it."

"Yeah," Arthur mumbled, "I just don't know if I can put him through more pain than he's already in."

"Don't you want this over with?"

"I don't want to be the reason he dies!" he stood up, "I'm going to call his mother. She deserves a say. Is that alright?"

"Of course. Take your time."

Arthur walked out the room and got his phone out.

"Good morning, Arthur," Hunith's voice seemed to be able to calm him automatically, "How are you, sweetie?"

"I'm alright, thanks. I need to ask you about something, if you've got a few minutes?"

"Fire away."

Arthur explained the situation and gave her all the information he had, "I don't know what to do," he admitted at the end, "I don't want to let him down and I wish I could speak to him."

"Morgana's right by saying Merlin would want to have it," Hunith said, "He's proved that before."

"So does that mean I should say yes?"

"Whatever you choose, you'll never know what could have happened if you chose the other," Hunith reminded him, "So you have to believe in what you decide and if it turns out badly, don't regret it, however hard that'll be."

"Either way, there's such a high chance that he won't make it. I want him to survive, I want to give him the best chance. But I don't want him to be in pain."

"He'd go through anything for you, Arthur. Be selfish because he'd be selfless. He won't want to leave you and the pain he'll be in while recovering won't be anything compared to the pain you'll feel for the rest of your life. You both care more about the other than yourself."

"You think I should let him have the surgery."

"In my opinion, yes. I know it's dangerous but we all want him to get better and this is the best chance of that happening."

"Is it selfish?"

"It's what he'd want."

Arthur hesitated for a second and then said, very emotionally, "I'm scared to let him go."

"Then don't. Cling onto him and he'll come back."

"He's nearly died before after something like this. It nearly killed me to think I'd have to say goodbye. I'm in that situation again whatever I choose. It's horrible."

"I know. But I think he's strong enough. Arthur, you won't let him down either way. You're thinking of what's best for him and he knows that."

"I'm scared."

"Don't you think that maybe that's why you're reluctant to make a decision? The idea of losing him in the next couple of days instead of losing him in a month or two. One's a lot more real to you right now."

"Yeah," Arthur exhaled shakily, "I'm terrified to make a mistake."

"If you were having this conversation with him, what would he say?"

"That's not important. Because if he was able to have this conversation, I wouldn't be entirely responsible for making the decision. I have to take into consideration what he would want, what we all want, what's best for him, a scientific point of view, a moral point of view. It's up to me to decide and it's huge."

"I think you want to say they can go ahead with the surgery. I know it's scary, I'm scared too. But I think it's the best thing for him right now. We'll all support you, Arthur."

"He's your child," Arthur said, "If I was responsible fo-"

"You're not responsible for anything. He's the only son I have left now so of course I want him to live but I also want him to live a happy and peaceful life. Not one where he suffers every day. You want that too."

"Ok," Arthur gulped, "Thank you. I'll call you later."

"Whatever you choose, no one's going to think you're 'wrong'. I love you, Arthur, sweetie."

"I love you too. Thank you so much."

Arthur wiped his eyes, put his phone away and stepped back into the office. Morgana and the doctor stopped whatever conversation they were having and looked at him as he nodded, "Do it. I give permission, I'll sign what needs signing. I want Merlin to have the operation."

He went to Morgana and Leon's for dinner that night after the siblings spent the day walking around the countryside with the dogs. Morgana had felt that after the decision Arthur had been forced to make that morning, it wouldn't be healthy for him to sit in the hospital for long hours with Merlin so they'd gone out to explore the hills near their houses together with Killi and Aithusa.

As soon as they walked through the door into Morgana and Leon's house, Belle ran up to Arthur and hugged him tightly, "Daddy says you might be sad because Uncle Merlin isn't well and when I'm sad they give me cuddles so I'll give you cuddles to make you be happy."

Arthur smiled and picked her up, "Thank you. I appreciate that."

"When will Uncle Merlin get better?"

"I don't know," Arthur admitted.

"Will you help me make a card for him?"

"Belle," Morgana scolded gently, "Not now, honey."

"It's alright," Arthur smiled, "Of course I'll help you."

Two weeks until Christmas. Arthur had accepted Merlin wouldn't be awake for it so was pushing all festivities from his mind. He'd had invitations from all his friends to spent Christmas with them but had declined all of them. He would not have a lovely time with other people while Merlin was alone in hospital, no matter what he would have wanted if he was conscious to want things. He was, however, going to organise the biggest and best fake Christmas for when Merlin was better.

He'd just about survived the operation. The excellent news was that the tumour was gone completely and they were doing scans regularly to make sure there were no other tumours or issues. But scientifically, Merlin was a lot healthier than he had been in years. In some ways. He hadn't had a single lung infection when normally he would have at least suffered from a cough. Obviously it would take some time to recover from three major surgeries as close together as his had been and he was weak from that. But everything was looking extremely promising.

If only he'd wake up.

"Everyone thinks I'm a grumpy git, you know," Arthur said to Merlin one morning, "No Christmas tree or decorations. Not even a wreath on the door. Eira came over the other day and asked why everything looked so boring. I told her that I was useless at decorating and normally it was your job. I'm pretending that it isn't Christmas in ten days. There's ridiculous lights and tinsel everywhere in here but don't worry. I'll still visit on Christmas and sit with you. If I can find a way to block out the sound of the nurses singing carols.

"You look so much better today than you did yesterday. Not that I'd say that you look 'good' yet. You still look awful, obviously much less handsome than me. Pale, sweaty, skinny. There's circles darker than the darkest black under your eyes and weird stubble that really doesn't suit you. Apparently it's difficult to shave you around the tubes and stuff, though, so we're just leaving it. Maybe by the time you wake up, Gwen will be able to plait it.

"The dogs still miss you. I told you that yesterday. I feel really bad for them so you absolutely have to get better so we can spoil them for the rest of their lives. They deserve that. I look after them, of course. Feed them, walk them, play with them. And I sleep in the spare room so they can sleep in the bed with me too. It cheers them up. And when I'm not at work and come here instead, Morgana takes them to work.

"We opened Camelot last night. I know you know that. I told you yesterday. But I promised I'd tell you all about it today if you're interested. It was beautiful. It looks really great, better than it did before which is good seeing as it cost a lot too. All the guests said it was amazing and they were impressed. It felt wrong, though. I kept looking to you to ask what you thought but you weren't there. Gwaine said we have to photoshop you into all the photos because they look empty.

"I don't know if you remember what I said about things coming full cycle and you getting to decide what this is the end of. You've given me hope that things are going to get better. To begin with, I was terrified and planning for a life alone. But now you look a bit better. Colour in your cheeks even if there is horrible stubble over that. Your fever's gone down too. I can't help but be hopeful. It feels weird to be so happy given the circumstances but the tumour's gone, you don't and never did have cancer, you seem to be getting stronger. And maybe the festive spirit is rubbing off on me a bit. I can't help it, though. The idea of being back with you is so exciting after all these months. Nearly three now. Three months," Arthur sighed, "It's hard. Cold beds, eating alone, having to do the cooking and the washing up, driving to work by myself, having to pick up all the dog poo. It's a lot.

"Anyway. I haven't had my breakfast yet so I'm going to get that. Give me two seconds."

And so, Christmas Day came. Arthur sat in the hospital beside Merlin, wishing everyone a Merry Christmas who saw him but not really feeling the festive spirit. He wasn't upset about that; he'd chosen to miss out on it because when the time did come to celebrate, he wanted it to be with Merlin.

All of his friends were at home with their families so Arthur hadn't been expecting to see anyone else. But in the middle of the afternoon, when he'd returned to the hospital after seeing to the dog for a few hours, Gaius walked in. Arthur stood up to greet him in surprise.

"I've brought something," Gaius said as they sat down. He wriggled something out of his pocket and handed it to Arthur, "It's silly, really, I don't know if you'll want it. But you and Merlin were both fascinated by it when you were younger and, well, it's supposed to bring good luck."

Arthur unfolded the piece of cloth around the item Gaius had given him and studied the little rabbit's foot. "I remember this. You keep it on your mantlepiece."

"My mother gave it to me. I'm not a superstitious man but I've had the most amazing life with an amazing family. And if that was down to this, then I can't think of anyone more deserving of its blessing."

"I couldn't take such a gift from you."

"I want you to have it. I know it's silly."

"It means something," Arthur said, "Thank you."

He pulled back Merlin's blanket and eased the toy squid which they had from all those years ago when Morgana had bought it for him out of his hand. He replaced it with the rabbit's foot and clasped Merlin's fingers around it gently.

"I think you're extremely brave, Arthur," Gaius said, "And strong. I'm happy to see you looking better than you did a few weeks ago when I last saw you."

Arthur chuckled, "Morgana's been keeping an eye on me. But I'm alright now. I've got a good feeling about the future."

"You know there will be a lot of recovering to go through before that?"

"Of course. But I think we can get through it."

"So do I," Gaius agreed whole-heartedly, "I've known both of you boys since you were mere babies. You're the closest things I've ever had to sons and while I don't see you as much anymore, you still mean the world to me. Both of you. If this is all I can do to help you and this is all you remember me for, I'll be more than happy."

"Neither of us have biological fathers anymore," Arthur said, "But you've always been there for us. When Merlin's father was in prison and after he died. When I didn't get on with my father and since he died. We always had you and I'm sorry if we never showed our appreciation because you are very important to both of us. Your love and guidance means a lot to us. Merlin would agree if he was awake."

Arthur chatted for Gaius for about an hour before the man left to head back home and Arthur decided to call Merlin's family in Ireland. They hadn't come over for the holidays as they sometimes would. Arthur had understood. It might just be a bit too painful for them.

He left a sizeable box of chocolates and a card in the room for the staff and left the hospital. When he got home, he gave the dogs a big dinner and then settled on the sofa, cuddled up in one of Merlin's blankets.

Killi leapt up beside him and rested his head on Arthur's lap.

"I think we'll have your dad home soon," Arthur whispered to the dog, "And you can give him all the cuddles in the world. He'll be safe and happy and healthy. I can't wait for that."

A lot of the next few days were spent in the hospital with Merlin. Arthur was delighted to see him seemingly getting stronger by the day. More colour to his face, easier breathing, less small and weak against the white sheets. Every morning, Arthur entered the hospital and hoped that he would see Merlin's eyes open again before he left. It was yet to happen but his hope wasn't wavering.

Merlin's lungs were still scarred from the experiences he'd had in the past. But without the tumour, he was undeniably so much healthier. Seeing that was spectacular for Arthur. His immune system was stronger, his breathing was easier, he'd be in less pain. It was brilliant.

The Albion company was throwing a huge New Year's party on the last day of the year. Arthur was there but reluctantly and seriously considering leaving to see Merlin before midnight. But he didn't know if the hospital would let him in and his friends were determined to keep him there and talking for as long as possible.

Arthur would never stop regretting that he let his phone run out of battery that night. That he missed three calls from the hospital or that he decided to stay at the hotel so didn't receive any of the messages left on the landline voicemail. His only saving grace was that he got up really early to head to the hospital anyway. He'd plugged his phone in at his hotel room just seconds before he'd left so walking into Merlin's room and seeing him stroking the rabbit's foot gently but very much consciously was a huge surprise.

Arthur nearly choked and his hand flew to him mouth, "Oh my god."