Chapter 28

Before Merlin woke up, Morgana arrived to drop the dogs off. Arthur kept the living room door shut and took his sister and the dogs into the kitchen. Killi sniffed around the house a lot and Aithusa pawed at the lounge door.

"They know he's here," Morgana smiled.

Arthur nodded, "I'll let them in to see him soon."

"How is he?"

"I'm proud of him," Arthur said, "He's doing brilliantly."

"Yeah?"

Arthur nodded, "We're definitely happy to both be back here together."

"Said goodbye to the hospital?"

"Hopefully."

All of a sudden both Killi and Aithusa started barking loudly and wagging their tails. "Oi!" Arthur called over the fuss, "What's all this about, hm? What's going on?"

The dogs continued to bark and ran to the living room door.

Morgana laughed, "If he wasn't awake before, he definitely is now."

"I think they were barking because they knew he'd woken up," Arthur took up a position in front of the door and stared sternly at the dogs, "Hush! You're not going in if you don't shut up."

Killi sat down obediently but Aithusa continued to yap.

"You'll run out of energy before me, little doggy," Arthur said, "Shush. That's enough!"

Aithusa wined a little but copied her big brother and sat down.

"That's better," Arthur said, "Go on then." He opened the door and let them into the living room before smirking at Morgana and following them in.

It would be nice to be able to see the dogs playing with Merlin without them having to worry about him getting hurt. But Merlin was still weak and wrestling with two large balls of fluff wasn't on the agenda just yet so Arthur had to go and pick Aithusa off his husband to calm her down. Killi was well behaved enough to stop when he was told to and was soon nestled with his head on Merlin's lap happily.

"Are you going to be good if I put you down?" Arthur said to Aithusa.

"You're not expecting her to reply, are you?" Morgana laughed as she came in, "You talk to your dogs like they're humans."

"You can't make fun of me," Arthur said, "Half the time Merlin's either not here or asleep. I need someone to talk to."

"Morgana!" Merlin looked at her.

"Heya, squid," she came forward and hugged him, "Good to see you here. I'm surprised these dogs still remember you."

"So am I."

"I wouldn't let them forget you," Arthur said, "I always had one of your hoodies or blankets in their bed so your scent was always there for them."

"Awh," Morgana cooed, "Did you sleep there with them too?"

"Ha ha," Arthur scowled, placing Aithusa on the ground and watching her closely as she leapt up onto the sofa and settled next to Killi.

"Do you fancy staying for tea?" Merlin asked Morgana, "Leon and the kids can come too, of course."

"I'm sure they'd love that."

"Are you happy with the kids having pizza?" Arthur asked.

"Yeah," Morgana nodded, "So long as you have some salad or veg for them too."

"I've got salad in the fridge," Arthur assured her.

"I'll call them," Morgana said before getting her phone out her pocket and leaving the room.

Arthur sat down beside Merlin, kissed him swiftly on the lips and asked, "Happy?"

Merlin grinned and gripped Arthur's hand, "Happy," he confirmed.

They had a lovely meal with their family, sitting in the living room to eat a takeaway pizza and then playing a few board games.

When Morgana, Leon, Belle and Luke left, Arthur carried Merlin upstairs, and placed him down gently on the bed. Merlin was grinning madly at the thought of sleeping beside Arthur who was digging out a set of pyjamas for him.

"Here you go," Arthur put the night clothes on the bed.

Merlin stared at them, "Will you help me?"

Arthur smiled a little bit, "Of course."

Once they both had their pyjamas on and were snuggled together in bed, Arthur laughed, "You stink of the hospital. We should have showered."

"Too tired. Hold me tighter."

Arthur smirked and felt his heart racing happily. Suddenly, Merlin sat up sharply and looked horrified.

"What's wrong?" Arthur asked in terror, worried something awful was happening.

"It's February," Merlin said.

"Yes?"

"I woke up on New Year's Eve."

"Yes. Talk about New Year, New Me," Arthur snorted.

Merlin turned to look at him slowly, "I missed Christmas!"

"Yeah," Arthur laughed in relief, "You did. You knew that, though. I told you Gaius brought the rabbit's foot on Christmas."

"It never occurred to me," Merlin said sadly.

"It's alright," Arthur assured him, "We're organising something for when you're better. You'll get a Christmas."

At the thought of his recovery, Merlin deflated and sunk back against Arthur.

"Are you going to tell me what this is about?" Arthur asked.

"What what's about?"

"You're sulking. You think you're miraculously going to wake up one day and be back to normal."

"I don't think that," Merlin said, "It's impossible for me to think that because I don't have a normal anymore. I want to be ok, Arthur. As quickly as I can be. So I can be good enough for you again."

"What do you mean?"

"You're always perfect, Arthur. And I'm never perfect. I'm always sick or in hospital and if I'm not, I'm recovering from being sick or in hospital and if I'm not even that," Merlin scratched his arm self-consciously, "I'm scarred. One leg, marks everywhere from old accidents, lungs that need two lots of medicine every morning to remain functioning. I can't do half the things I want to do. Your life is more like looking after an old, disabled man, not your young husband. I leave you alone for months on end while I'm getting treated and because I'm always so much worse off than you, I can't look after you properly. I just want to be what you want and things keep getting in the way! When you fell in love with me, I wasn't broken. I worked for you every day, I brought you coffee and we laughed together and I was normal. I'm not anymore. I'm just some weak, sick lump of bones that you're constantly picking up and gluing back together."

Arthur was speechless. He had no idea Merlin had any insecurities like that. He always seemed so comfortable with Arthur.

"I look at photos from before," Merlin said with a sadness Arthur hated to hear, "And then I look in a mirror. It's like the easiest spot the difference ever. You know when you were a kid and your friends would always draw really ugly drawings of people who don't exist and then go, 'It's a drawing of you!'. The mirror's like that. The picture that everyone laughs at and you pretend it's someone else."

Arthur found himself tearing up at Merlin's words, "You're not- it's not- I- oh my god, Merlin. I don't even know where to start!"

"Can we not do this tonight?" Merlin wiped a tear away from his cheek.

"No," Arthur tried to regain his composure, "We're doing this now. Look, I personally don't agree with anything you just said and I don't know where to begin with saying why. You're so much better and stronger than you think you are. It's not me who picks you up every time you're ill, it's you. I just provide the glue. You're so strong, Merlin, and I'm always proud of you. Every time I see you smile as if you've had the easiest life ever when in fact it's been harder than anyone can imagine. It makes me feel so blessed to have someone so strong and amazing love me. And we don't need to do anything more than we already do. I don't care if there are some things you can't do because I'm so beyond happy with the life we have as it is. And as for your scars," Arthur sighed, "Honestly I've never seen someone look so beautiful. You don't see how you look with the gorgeous golden morning light on your face. It makes me think I'm lying next to an angel."

Merlin had tears streamlining endlessly down his face and soaking the sheet below him.

"Do you remember," Arthur continued, "The night after my father's funeral?"

Merlin smiled a little bit.

"When I just couldn't keep my hands off you?"

"I told you it was inappropriate," Merlin laughed a little.

"But I ignored you because I'd just lost my father for good but I still had you and you're the most important person in my life by miles and miles. I don't care where you are or what you look like. I don't care if you can't lift your head off the pillow. Because I know that if I really did need you, you'd be there. You've proved it before, Merlin, you'd give up anything for me. Don't ever think you don't do enough for me."

"If it weren't for me, you'd have a normal life."

"I don't want a normal life! I want a life with you, no matter what that involves. You're not a burden, Merlin, you're a blessing. I enjoy every second I spend with you. And you're definitely not ugly. Actually," Arthur got out of the bed and walked around it, "Come on."

He pulled Merlin out from under the covers and helped him over to the full length mirror on their wardrobe door. He was supporting most of Merlin's weight but he loved the feeling of his husband clinging onto him.

"What are we doing?" Merlin asked tiredly.

"You're comparing yourself to me. I'm showing you why you shouldn't. Look in the mirror."

Merlin did, but his eyes didn't meet his reflection's. They looked up and down Arthur's figure.

"Why are you doing that?"

"Because I enjoy looking at you more than looking at me."

"Why?"

"You're not damaged."

"No?" after making sure Merlin was steady, Arthur lifted one arm and pointed at the ear which had been partially severed in the ferry incident, "Remember when I had insecurities about this? And you told me why I didn't need to and said you didn't care."

"Half a leg is a bit worse than half an ear."

"All I'm saying is that everyone has scars." He pulled his shirt down a little bit to reveal the long mark he had on his shoulder from the operation he's had to fix the broken bones there when Camelot had exploded, "What difference does it make that yours are more visible or a bit bigger than anyone else's? Why do you think your skin has to be unmarked for you to be attractive? Do my scars make you think I'm not handsome?"

Merlin shook his head.

"There you go, then," Arthur kissed him on his cheek, "Just remember, no matter what you look like, you'll never be as ugly as Gwaine."

Merlin smiled half-heartedly. His leg was starting to shake from the strain of standing up for so long when he was already tired. But Arthur hadn't finished yet, "When we get up tomorrow, you're going to look in this mirror at yourself and tell me one thing you love about yourself. Then the next day, you're going to do the same. You're going to stop looking for things you don't like and look for the things you do. I'll do it with you."

"Can I start now?" Merlin asked.

"If you have something."

"I have something," Merlin said, "My favourite thing about myself."

"Yeah?"

Merlin looked away from the mirror and gazed at Arthur, "My favourite thing about me is that you are always by my side."

Arthur smiled.

"I thought you'd tell me off for that," Merlin admitted.

"I would have," Arthur said, "If it weren't for the fact my favourite thing about myself is that you're always by my side."

Merlin kissed him properly, "Can we go back to bed before I fall over?"

Arthur picked him up and, when he was close enough, threw Merlin onto the bed. He grunted a little when he landed but laughed. Arthur got onto the bed and positioned them both so that Merlin was sitting between his legs, leaning back against his chest.

"Do you feel a bit better?" Arthur asked, pressing his lips to Merlin's neck affectionately.

Merlin nodded, "Thank you."

"Can I tell you what I think?" Arthur said cheekily.

"Go on."

"I think that when it comes to each other, we are the most hypocritical people in the world."

Merlin grinned, "I think that's the most accurate thing you've ever said."

The next morning, Arthur got up early and went downstairs to make breakfast. In the past few days, he'd been distracted with Merlin so while he was cooking, he called Morgana just to make sure everything was running smoothly at work. It wasn't that he felt his friends couldn't cope without him there, more that he just wanted to know if anything important was happening.

Pretty quickly after he'd been brushed and let outside, Killi was making his way upstairs into the main bedroom. Arthur knew he would jump up onto the bed beside Merlin. Every time Merlin had been sitting down somewhere while Killi was in the room, the dog had felt obliged to cuddle up beside him. It was great to not have to tell him to move away. In the past, Killi had been chased away from Merlin if he'd been there for too long or if he'd been sitting across Merlin's chest.

Once Morgana had updated him on everything and breakfast was ready, Arthur went upstairs with the food. Merlin seemed to still be asleep, but his arm was draped over Killi comfortably. Arthur set the breakfast tray down on his bedside table and then got onto the bed. He ticked Killi behind the ear briefly before stroking Merlin's hair gently.

"Is that bacon?" Merlin said without opening his eyes.

"It might be."

"I haven't smelled bacon in seven months," Merlin said excitedly, peeling one eye open.

"I know. Are you going to sit up so you can have it before it gets cold?"

Merlin groaned, hugging Killi tighter.

"The dog isn't going anywhere," Arthur said, "He doesn't leave you alone anymore, he'll still be there to cuddle when you've had your breakfast."

With great reluctance and a lot of help from Arthur, Merlin got himself into a seated position and gratefully took the plate Arthur was handing to him. Unsurprisingly, the bacon sandwich didn't last too long.

"Ok then," Arthur said when they were both finished, "Mirror then shower or shower then mirror?"

"Mirror first."

"Alright then," Arthur got up and made to help Merlin but Merlin stopped him, "Can I try?"

Arthur nodded and collected the crutches from beside the door to hand to him. It took Merlin a little while to get himself standing up but he did manage it fairly smoothly.

"Right," Arthur said as they stood in front of the mirror, side by side, "You go first."

"Erm, I like that I'm standing by myself," Merlin said quietly, "I look stronger. Less like a weak old dying man."

Arthur smiled a little and studied his own reflection for a while before deciding, "I like how good my hair looks even though I haven't washed it in days and I just woke up."

Merlin laughed, "I like it better when it's washed," he joked.

"Better get it washed then."

They had a quick shower together and then went out for a walk in the surrounding countryside. Merlin loved being outside, no matter what the weather was like. It reminded him of his childhood growing up in Ireland. And after so many long stints seeing nothing but the inside of his eyelids or hospital walls, he cherished every moment he spent in the fresh air. So, even now when he was wrapped up snugly against the icy February air and stuck in his wheelchair, Merlin was grinning.

They stopped in a pub along the way for a hot drink, enjoying the normality, and then made their way back.

"I forgot how difficult pushing a wheelchair up a hill was," Arthur teased while he was chopping up some salad to have with their lunch.

"Well you don't go to the gym anymore," Merlin said, "You need the exercise."

"I'm not the one who's skin and bones."

"At least I'm not fat."

"I'm not fat!"

"I didn't say you were," Merlin looked up from the book he was reading.

"After everything we walked about last night, you're going to sit there and call me fat?" Arthur faked betrayal.

"You're putting words in my mouth, sweetie," Merlin returned his attention to the book, "I think you're perfect."

"That is because you have good taste. Beetroot or tomato?"