Summary: 1-shot set as a fix-it for 15x18 Despair. Trapped in the bunker's dungeon, Dean learns there's been a much larger threat to both him and Sam all these years than he ever imagined and must find a way to survive both the threat outside and inside the dungeon.
Pre-Warning! So, anyone who has read my stories know when you get a warning like this it is simply to avoid any hassles or possible issues of the story being clicked on by certain readers that it might not be intended toward. So that said, if you are a devout Castiel fan or destiel fan than do not go any further! Do not read as this is a fix-it story and so not going to appeal since as while certain events still happen, others... don't.
Spoilers:Yeah, maybe some depending on how far into the series you are. There are mentions of past events as well as some from this season so if you aren't caught up then maybe read with caution but this is a fix-it to a particular scene at the end.
Tags:Set at the end of 15x18 Despair
Warnings:The usual for language since this is Dean with his temper up. While there is no sex, there is some mention of things and some kissing so I'll warn for that (I overwarn, you guys know that). There will also be mention of some past events, some implied emotional, mental, physical non-con. There is also character death but if you've watched the episode then you know that.
Beta:cyncitymojo
The Only One
Chapter One
"I love you."
A thousand thoughts were running through Dean Winchester's head right that second as well as a million feelings. He had literal Death pounding on the door of the dungeon looking to kill him. He was feeling guilt and self-rage for allowing his temper to get the better of him yet again that he didn't see the real threat and had sent Sam and Jack into danger without understanding the true risk.
He was feeling guilt and fear for not being with Sam at what could very well be their last moments on Earth since he had no way to know if or when Chuck, the conniving bastard, would wipe them off the planet along with everyone else in his final move to destroy all creation.
The silent fear he had seen in his little brother's eyes earlier that night hit the hunter and another surge of rage and guilt hit because Dean now understood he had yet again let himself be played; only this time he feared there'd be no way for him or Sam to survive since they'd pissed off God himself.
"Sammy," he whispered, starting to reach for his phone to attempt a fast phone call to at least tell his brother goodbye and those final three words as the pounding from beyond the door echoed in his head… then something else registered in his ears and the hunter's eyes jerked from where he'd looked to see the glowing sigil on the door still holding to another set of eyes as if just remembering he wasn't alone in the dungeon room.
"Ex-cuse me? What the hell did you just say?" Dean stared at the angel that had supposedly pulled him out of hell years earlier and had at times been both ally and enemy; realizing that while he had been inside his own head he had missed a good chunk of what Castiel had just been saying but what he had caught made him blink.
"Okay, re-run the vital parts of that speech since I was just internally freaking out about once again being played and leaving my brother alone to face… nope, can't say that anymore, to face whatever," Dean was still trying to focus on the door where Billy was currently pounding in her desire to break the sigil so she could kill him, and find a way out of this mess that might not end up with him dead so he could get to Sam and Jack while also trying to replay other things he thought he might have heard but ignored as not important.
"I think I heard something like you made a deal with the Empty to save Jack that one time. It would come to claim you after you discovered true happiness or whatever crap you just said even if you couldn't have whatever it was that made you so happy." The hunter thought there was more he probably missed but knew he didn't have much time to worry about it. "Now repeat what I thought I heard you say that I better not have heard you say, or not in the way I think you might have meant it."
Looking back at the hunter with tears starting to fill with a depth of emotion he hadn't ever allowed himself to feel before that moment, Castiel smiled as he stepped toward the man that in his own way he had been trying to protect since dragging him out of Hell. "I love you," he repeated.
"Yeah, okay, it's the end of the world and between Billie and the Empty we're both probably about to bite it so yeah, Cas, for everything you tried to do for us, when it didn't backfire and cause more grief, you're my friend so I love you too," Dean felt a little sour in the pit of his stomach at saying those words that were normally ever reserved for one person and even then he said them few and far between.
Then he felt the sour feeling grow into something a bit more when Castiel closed the gap between them to lay a hand on his face in a way that immediately had the hunter's sixth sense of caution shooting to red.
"No, Dean. You misunderstand me or maybe it's because you still feel some misguided loyalty to the belief that you love your own brother in this way but," Castiel paused to place his other hand on the hunter's face, so focused on his attempt to imprint his feelings on Dean that he missed the look in green eyes that swiftly went from confusion, to surprise, to shock and finally flashed with temper even as he was tensing. "I love you."
A low burn on his shoulder where there used to be a handprint seemed to snap Dean out of whatever fog his mind seemed to have been slipping into. A quick realization of what that was as well as what was actually being said had the hunter giving a quick jerk to free his face before stepping back and staring at the angel.
"Okay, did all the times you died or the last few times you got tossed around knock what screws you had left in that head loose?" Dean demanded sharply, no longer caring about Death pounding on the door as he confronted what he thought of as a tense ally these past few years. "First of all, you're an angel. Angels don't love!"
"You have met quite a few of my kind that have actually fallen in love with humans, Dean," Castiel replied, stepping forward again only to frown when the man he'd just professed his love for actually stepped away from him and looked not thrilled as he'd expected but angry. "I raised you from perdition. I left my duties in Heaven. I… I learned to understand mankind, to love humans all because of you. I…"
"Holy shit! God is destroying the world. I never should have left Sam tonight! I have Death wanting my hide for all the hassles I've caused in the natural order or whatever I've done, and now you've gone off the deep end with some misguided assumption that just because you figured out you love mankind that you're gay and you love me!" Dean raked his fingers back through his hair, not sure to be frustrated or if this was just the ultimate cap to the craziness that had been his life for the last decade or so.
Castiel blinked, cocking his head as if confused. He believed he had explained things so clearly, so he failed to understand why Dean was acting this way or refusing to return the words or let him close enough to attempt to touch him. "Mankind, humanity even as it's ending does mean a lot to me. This world has become my home, so to speak, and I do wish I had been able to keep Jack with us in these closing moments so…"
"Whoa! Hold on! There is no us! There is you and there is me!" Dean automatically corrected, only to quickly correct himself again. "Actually, there is only me and Sam! Sam, who I never should have left tonight!"
"No, you needed to leave him so you could go kill Billie while Chuck did whatever he was going to…" Castiel stopped the moment hot green eyes shot to his. "Dean, you fail to understand the importance of this moment," he tried to once again explain while reaching out a hand. "If you'd just allow me to touch…"
"Hell, no! That won't be happening!" Dean shot back, backing away while batting at the hand. "I've seen you and your kind screw with too many peoples' heads to even think of allowing you to touch me right now! Did you know that it wasn't Billie killing my friends?" he demanded as he replayed those words in his head as another sinking feeling began to settle in the hunter's stomach. "Did you know when I hugged my brother in front of Eileen's that I might have been sending both him and Jack off to their deaths with everyone we were trying to save?"
Allowing his hand to drop, Castiel paused to frown before giving his version of a shrug. "That hardly matters at this moment, Dean," he said while smiling again in a way that made the now worried hunter even more unsettled. "What matters now is that I have come to realize what has made me so willing to do everything I have done these past years. All the risks and dangers I've taken to protect this world, to protect humans, to protect those close to you have all been because…"
"Because you're crazier right this fucking second than I thought you were when you decided to work with Crowley to unleash Purgatory?" Dean shot back, throwing a look to the door, and knowing that sigil wasn't going to last too much longer but unsure who was the bigger threat right then.
"No. Because I learned to be human, to love like a human because of you," Castiel smiled again, tears of joy filling his eyes even as he could feel the power of the Empty getting closer. "I know I can never have what I want fully because to save you I must make the ultimate sacrifice but I will gladly go into the Empty knowing that at least for the moment even if our son might have been killed that you will survive Billie's wrath and…"
"Oh my God. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little at that," Dean shook his head, feeling his phone buzzing in his back pocket and wishing he could grab it but knowing right then he needed his focus to be on the angel in front of him. "Okay, I think I'd rather take my chances with Billie than ever having either of those thoughts in my head. Again, there is no we so there is no 'our son'… again, I just threw up in my mouth a little at that," he had to give an internal shudder at even the thought.
"If Jack was anyone's son other than his own mother's, then it might be me and Sam with you as a type of distant, weird uncle and that was only if I was feeling generous; which I am not feeling much of right this second," Dean was starting to think more on what was coming out of Castiel's mouth and despite having too many things going on in his head at that moment, he was beginning to put too many pieces together of a long ago made puzzle that he wasn't liking.
"And as for that other thing? Where you 'willingly sacrifice yourself' for me?" Dean smirked, not sure if that was amusing or infuriating. "Considering all the crap that you have caused to happen to me and Sammy since you dropped into our lives? Sacrificing yourself so I can go and hopefully save my brother and Jack is the very goddamn least you can do!" he snapped, no longer concerned about Billie pounding on the door but did make sure to stay far away from Castiel so the angel couldn't touch him physically.
"Dean, you sound… upset," Castiel frowned more, confused as to how or why his well-planned idea wasn't playing his part. "Can't you see that everything I have done has been for you, to help you, to…"
"The first day you met Sam, the only one of us that believed in fluffy winged-type angels with harps and had listened to all of Pastor Jim's sermons, you called him the boy with demon blood and an abomination," Dean cut him off, temper soaring like it always did anytime Castiel tried to point out how 'helpful' he'd been to them or now it seemed like it was 'helpful to Dean' which was also causing the hunter to have serious concerns about some things that had always bothered him but he had never had the time in between too many world ending issues to think of them.
"You and your pals knew all about my deal, about what happened to me in Hell, what Sam was doing with Ruby. If your intention was to stop the Apocalypse from happening all your precious Garrison had to do was pull me out before I gave in, before Alastair threatened my brother. Or you could have put a stop to that goddamn demon bitch from sinking her claws so far into Sam in his desperation to save me! But no! You guys needed all that to happen to actually trigger the Apocalypse! You needed me to see myself as broken and you needed Sam to give into the goddamn demon blood that he was cursed with all over a deal our mother made! A deal you fucking knew about!"
Facing Death, both literally and figuratively, no longer mattered to Dean Winchester. All he was suddenly seeing, and understanding was how much more he and his brother had been played than he had first thought and not just by those he thought. He now could see he had been getting played from someone much closer to home.
Staring at Dean as he yelled, Castiel stepped around the chair that the hunter had been careful to keep between them. He could now see that perhaps it might be harder to make the human see things like he wanted him to, like he had before.
"Dean, I had been working under Zachariah's orders during all of that," he tried to remind the irate hunter, slowly moving his hand up only to gasp when suddenly a burning pain sliced over his palm and he was actually shocked to see that sometime Dean had pulled the angel blade he always kept on him. "Dean! Why would you cut me? I just told you that I loved…"
"Don't say it again or else the Empty will be dragging your goddamn lifeless vessel back with it!" Dean snapped furiously, eyes going to hot slits as he glared at the angel he had once considered an ally but even that hadn't been for years. "You can think you do. You can go into the Empty thinking what you want but I do not, have not, and will never swing that way except for Sammy! He is the only man I would ever have sex with willingly and the only one I will ever love!"
Seeing and recognizing the familiar twitch of the angel's usually stoic face, Dean's lips curled into a smirk while wondering how the hell he hadn't see all of this before. "Were we just an experiment to you and the other dicks, Cas?" he suddenly asked, shifting more so he could keep some distance between them especially now that Dean thought he might understand just how easily things were made to look so bad when he first got back from Hell. "Did you just want to see how much control the demon blood gave Ruby over Sam or how it would ultimately affect him? Were you and Ruby in on it the whole fucking time?
"It was you that showed me what Sam was doing with Ruby. It was you that first called him a demon. It was you that pushed those thoughts into my damn head; my head that was still screwed up from what happened to me in Hell. It was you that pretty much shoved that first of many wedges between me and my brother," Dean paused to stare Castiel right in the face to see the truth staring back at him. "Huh. You son of a goddamn bitch! You played me!"
"Dean, you're confused or maybe Billie is controlling you." Castiel tried to smooth things out as he listened to everything he'd done slowly be tossed in his face, understanding that maybe the warding in the dungeon was letting what spells he had done years ago, to help Dean see things the way the angels wanted him to, fade. "I let you out of Zachariah's Green Room to go try to stop Sam from…"
Dean laughed at that. Memories flashing from a night long ago to when things had first started going seriously wrong between him and the brother he had always done and would still do anything for. "Yeah, you let me out… after you had released Sam from the goddamn Panic Room so he could go to Ruby! You let him out! You knew he'd go to her! Now I wonder if it was Zach, or Ruby that fucked with my message to him! Was it you, Cas? Did you screw my message to him up knowing how scared Sam probably was and having me sound like I turned on him would be the final push needed to get him to do what both you guys and Ruby needed?" he demanded.
"Dean, Sam was already under her control by that point," the Angel tried to reason, frowning more. "He didn't need to hear you call him a monster or a vampire that needed to be hunted to have a reason to… What? Why are you smiling? Have you come to understand that all I've done is because I love you and it's safe for you to love me and…?"
"No, and I will gut you if you keep saying that crap, I'm smiling because you just screwed yourself by saying what you just did," Dean was pissed but knew he had to keep calm if he had any chance of surviving this nightmare. "No one knew except Sam and I what that message said. Yeah, I supposed you could say you saw it in his thoughts or mine, but I don't think so. I think you knew those two things were specifically said because you changed my message to him. I also think you 'let' me out because you guys needed me there to kill Ruby because it was Ruby was the last witness to all the bullshit you pulled!"
Choosing to ignore the risks right then, all Dean was focused on was all the crap he and Sam had faced since that night. All the lies told to drive them apart as well as all the things done to supposedly help which usually only ended up hurting Dean's brother in one way or another.
"You guys forced me to torture Alastair, and only because Sam came did I survive much less you, but all you could do was push how evil he was and how weak I was. Everything was set up to turn us against one another, but it never worked," Dean smirked again, anger spiking and ignoring every excuse the angel tried to give. "It was Sam that had the guts to try to defeat Lucifer in Detroit."
"He nearly killed you in that cemetery, Dean," Castiel replied stiffly, not caring how his plan to express his heartfelt feelings and have them eagerly returned was turning. "He let a vampire turn you in some filthy alley. He…"
"No. Lucifer nearly killed me in Stull when I went for my brother because then, like now, if we're cashing out then it'll be together," Dean corrected, eyes going harder at the mention of the other issue. "And if you, you selfish, self-serving bastard, hadn't left Sam's soul in Hell when you pulled him out without telling me, that whole vampire mess wouldn't have fucking happened! The whole soulless little brother nightmare wouldn't have happened. But then, oh that's right, you didn't want Death to put Sam's soul back in since it would ruin your little plan to use it in your war in Heaven!"
Suddenly furious when it clicked fully all the supposed good things Castiel insisted he did to help or redeem himself hadn't been for anyone but himself in order to get to his main objective, and as it hit what that was, Dean fought being sick.
"Oh my God. You have been the biggest threat to Sam all this time and I never saw it," Dean whispered, looking straight into calm blue eyes and fought not to fall to his knees when it clicked how stupid he'd been. "You pulled Sam out of Hell not only without his soul but then helped Crowley and Samuel try to control him. You tried to stop me from putting his soul back in. You tore down the wall in his mind that Death put up in order to try to drive him insane or kill him. You let those goddamn black gooey bastards loose that cost us Bobby. You probably only healed his mind because you knew you were on the verge of me taking Sammy and going off-grid so I could take care of him. You probably thought you had it made in Purgatory, but Benny was there once we hooked back up."
Castiel's jaw clenched at the mention of the Cajun vampire that Dean had befriended in Purgatory. He also wasn't happy that Dean was bringing up so many other inconsequential moments. "Dean, just accept…"
"What? Accept what, Castiel? That you love me and because of all you supposedly did for me that I'm supposed to drop to the floor and kiss your feet and proclaim my undying love?" Dean laughed sarcastically, not caring if the now angry angel killed him since he'd rather be dead than what he figured might have been the actual plan for him had he actually been able to kill Billie earlier. "Because if that's what you thought was going to happen or what you planned to 'force' me to do if I didn't have Death literally at the door right now then I'll let her in because I'd be dead before saying those words to you!" he shouted, furious and sick at how close the danger had been all this time.
"I love Sam! I will always love Sam! I have died for him! I would die for him again if I thought it would save him from this nightmare!" Dean went on angrily, feeling his eyes start to burn at the thought of losing his brother, of not saying those words to Sam when he had hugged him that final time and for not paying enough attention to all of the little tell-tale signs his brother gave off when around Castiel since getting his soul back.
"You have done nothing but try to hurt him or get him hurt since the start. It was you and your burning need to 'help' that got your useless ass used by Metatron, and you trying to distract me with that, that I almost let Sam get killed by closing the gates of Hell! You knew he was too weak after that whole mess with Ezekiel but you still extracted what grace was inside my brother because you didn't give a crap if he died! You knew Sam felt guilty for Kevin and would let you because he thought you were a friend!" Dean had to pause to take a breath because now that he was thinking it was like a cover was being lifted and all the 'useful deeds' were coming out as self-serving lies. "I won't even get into you allowing Lucifer to use you as a fucking vessel and what that nearly did to my brother because if I did I'd stab you in the face now! There are so many things that you've said you did to help us, to help me but it wasn't to help, Castiel! It was to get you one step closer to what? Getting rid of Sam in some way that I couldn't fix or repair and thinking you'd step into his place in my life like you've tried to do a few too many times?"
Castiel's lips thinned out. He didn't care for the way this was going for him. He had plans that still might have worked out had Dean just played the part he was supposed to play. "Sam… Sam should have been killed by Lucifer when he grabbed him and Jack. He should have died anytime in the last five or so years but it wasn't until you guys made Chuck angry and lost favor that I saw a way to get that accomplished without a miracle bringing him back," he admitted tightly, sighing as if attempting to explain his next good intention. "You were supposed to kill Jack that day in the cemetery and when Sam stepped in to try to stop you, much like this time in the hall, you were supposed to shoot Sam. Yes, there'd be grief and guilt but that's all you Winchesters have in your lives, so I would then slowly use a few simple spell bindings to remove that grief to convince you that Sam was in the wrong for trying to stop you and we would carry on."
Dean blinked at this statement. Of anything he might have been expecting to hear, that was far from it. "Wait. You wanted me to kill Jack?" he blinked again, more confused than ever. "You're the first one to throw a fit about using Jack or when Chuck wanted him dead or… oh. Okay, so your claim to love humanity, your claim to love Jack was just a useful tool to once again play on my emotions."
"Jack is a… wildcard as you humans tend to say. His power made him unable to gauge which is why Chuck feared him. I couldn't take the chance of him bringing Sam back out of some misguided attempt to ease your angst, so to make it just the two of us I had to remove all other obstacles," Castiel replied easily enough, smiling again. "Now do you understand what I have done for you?"
"You knew Chuck was the one killing everyone. You knew I was basically, probably sending my brother and Jack along with everyone they tried to save including Donna, Bobby or anyone from that other world to their deaths," Dean frowned, jerking a thumb over toward the door that the sigil was nearly worn off. "I'm guessing you planned on me killing Billie."
Nodding, Castiel frowned again as if displeased. "I knew the cut you'd given her with her own blade was a fatal wound so I had wrongly assumed she'd be weak enough by the time we got to her that you could easily dispatch her but I fear I misjudged her hatred for you. This has greatly changed my ultimate plan," he admitted grimly.
"Ultimate plan?" Dean repeated, giving a quick mental coin toss if he really wanted to know the answer to his next question since he feared he didn't. "What was your ultimate plan, Castiel?" he asked curiously, waving a hand to the slowly buckling door and back to the thin line of black that was starting to show on the back wall. "Assuming I had killed Billie, the Empty hadn't been called to come collect your useless ass for a deal that you never should have made it seems, and my brother is really gone, what did you think was going to happen next?" He needed to know this for his own peace of mind. "What did you think I'd do other than try to either get Sammy back or if this world is going out then find some way to take Chuck out with me?"
"Oh, well I couldn't allow you to do any of that since my plan was to profess my love for you, convince you that you felt the same way even if it took some time, and try to make a deal with Chuck for when he rebuilt this world that he'd allow us to remain," he replied simply, not seeing the problem or how wrong or demented any of this was to the hunter. "I know he's angry with humans, but I think if I promised him you'd no longer be a thorn in his side that he'd allow it. He might even do some remodification to allow…"
The angel blade raised the moment the hunter realized where that line of thinking was going. "Hell no!" he snapped, hearing the door creak but unwilling to look away now that he realized the threat the angel could still pose. "I'm not playing Eve to your Adam in any way, shape, or form, jackass! Hell, now after hearing you and realizing all that I have, those times I woke up to find you watching me sleep really creeps me out!"
"Your mind was easily manipulated so you didn't remember anything you might have seen in your waking sleep." Castiel shrugged, not seeing the way Dean's eyes widened or how pale his face went at that admission when a louder crack was heard just as a wave of power began to build. "The Empty has been called. It cannot be halted but if you refuse to give in, to admit to reciprocating my love or refuse to allow me to show my love to you now then I will simply take you with… what?" he glanced down at the burning on his chest to see a blue glowing gash from where the angel blade had slashed through his shirt, slicing skin and allowing some of his grace to seep free just as the door finally came crashing in with a thunderous wave of power and noise. "No! Dean! I love…!"
"Screw you, Castiel! I don't love you! I would never love you! The Empty can have you and Billie! I'll take care of killing myself as soon as I find out if you finally did cost me everything!" Dean snapped, pulling his wrist free from Castiel's final attempt to grab him just as a black wave from the Empty burst in to take Castiel and then lunged for the screaming Angel of Death just as Billie was lifting her scythe.
As quickly as it all had seemed about to end for him, Dean Winchester found himself alone in the now silent dungeon room with only the scythe of Death remaining on the floor in the outer room.
Looking around to be sure he was alone, that the Empty had taken both of his foes, it was only then that the hunter felt his suddenly shaking legs start to fold under him and he stumbled back against the far wall; sliding down to just let it all soak in before the first waves of anxiety hitting along with the terror of not knowing what had happened outside these walls; not knowing if Sam was…
"Sammy," he whispered, throat tightening even as he was reaching for his phone to try to place a call that would tell the hunter if he was going to go take a scalding hot shower to try to get the feelings off of him caused by a sudden rush of memory and oily words or if he was reaching for his Colt.
Dean's fingers had just pulled the phone from his back pocket when he felt it buzz in his hand, glancing down and then had to fight not to drop it in his haste to answer. "Sammy?" he released the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding the moment he heard the soft but clearly shaken voice of his younger brother on the other end of the call.
Leaning his head back on the wall, Dean heard Sam hesitantly tell him what had happened at the silo; heard the unspoken fear and confusion in his voice and knew guilt would also be huge in Sam's heart right then. He understood that only too well. "Come home, Sam," he finally broke in, not needing to see Sam to know there'd be tears in huge hazel eyes by this point and feared it might just get worse. "Grab Jack and just…" he paused to take a deep breath. "Just come home, little brother. I'll be here waiting."
"Dean! Dean? Cas?" Sam Winchester shouted as soon as he and Jack Kline were coming in the heavy metal door in the front of their current home.
It had taken them longer to get back to Lebanon, Kansas than Sam liked even though it quickly became plain to the younger Winchester that he didn't have to worry about being pulled over for speeding.
Sam was still fighting the overwhelming emotions of guilt, failure and then fear when he couldn't immediately get a hold of his brother but then there was something else in Dean's tone that warned the hunter that maybe not all was right at home either.
He was about to tell Jack to hang back while he went to search the bunker, reaching for his weapon out of instinct since Sam knew his simple gun was no match against either God or even Death when a step had his eyes shooting toward the steps coming up into the main map room and then it was all Sam had not to break into a run down those steps to grab onto his brother.
Ever since they'd had Jack in the bunker he and Dean had struggled to make an effort not to do anything except maybe a casual touch in front of the often naïve and usually very chatty and questioning Nephilim but on that day, at that moment when he saw his older brother lengthening his stride to get to the steps quicker and lifted a hand it was a signal to Sam that it was safe to make the move he'd been longing to ever since hearing Dean's voice on the phone.
"Hey, little brother, c'mere," Dean had debated on the walk from his room to the main room how to handle this next part; what to say or what to do. He knew what his heart was telling him to do and as soon as he stepped up and heard Sam's voice, saw his brother on the steps, Dean knew what he was doing even as he covered the distance to the metal spiral stairs in a few steps and was reaching a hand out to Sam.
The moment he felt strong fingers closing around his, Dean gave a tug and had Sam in his arms in the next heartbeat. He closed his eyes when he felt Sam's arms tighten around him and felt the shaking in his brother's body which told him Sam wasn't holding up nearly as well as he was trying to let on for Jack's sake.
"I love you, Sammy," he whispered, brushing a quick kiss along Sam's cheek before finally breaking the hold to look up to give a calmly waiting Jack a shaky smile. "Hey, kid," he murmured, giving a surprised Jack a quick hug before stepping back and looking at both. "Before you tell me what happened, just let me say that we were played. It wasn't Billie. It was Chuck and nothing we could have done could have saved anyone, but we will still do our best to beat him and maybe save people… if we live."
Looking around, Jack frowned. "Where's… where's Cas?" he asked a little more cautiously than usual for him.
An expert con artist and poker player, Dean had learned at a young age how to school his features so nothing showed on his face that he didn't want to show. Right that second as he thought back to the dungeon, he had to be quick to make his face calm, neutral as he considered a way to handle this without upsetting Jack more than he probably already was.
"Uh, yeah… ummm… Cas is… Cas is gone," he said it simply, matter-of-factly but then figured he had to offer a little more or else risk Jack asking too many questions or Sam asking more later when he had a chance. "He…" Dean had to pause, take a breath to swallow the bile he could feel churning as he made himself say what he thought might work to appease the younger man. "He saved me from Billie by calling the Empty, which took them both so like I said… Cas is gone," he forced a tight smile while waiting to see if Jack would accept his answer and was relieved when all the young Nephilim did was consider it and then nod. "Okay, so I'm going to go take a shower. You guys get some sleep and we'll hit the books in the morning or whenever."
Sam had grown up watching every move Dean made. He had learned how to lie, con, play pool, and nearly everything else he knew from watching his brother, so when he watched him right then both the brother and hunter in Sam knew there was more to this than Dean was letting on but clearly was trying not to let Jack know.
It was also all that time with Dean that told Sam to leave his brother alone for a little bit since he'd seen more than a few tells in the way Dean moved when he walked away that made the hunter worried and confused.
Sam headed for his room after pausing in the kitchen to splash his face with water, looking over to see Jack in the door. "Hey, you go crash. I want to check some books and…"
"Dean is lying. Something else must have happened either with Billie or with Castiel since he only clenches his jaw that way when he lies and doesn't want to," Jack remarked in the same simple way he had since coming to live with them. "I'm going to go mediate or think on what we might do to defeat my grandfather. You go check on Dean?"
It still amazed Sam that for someone so young and naïve that Jack could still understand what was between him and Dean when anyone else would have been screaming about taboos.
"Yeah, I'll go check on Dean," Sam smiled as Jack's smile brightened and he turned and walked away. It was only then that Sam's smile dimmed because he knew if whatever his brother was hiding was too bad it might be hard to pull it out of him.
Heading for the shower room, Sam paused just inside the room to look around. He noticed one pile of clothes tossed in a corner that looked like what Dean had been wearing before he'd gone to confront Death. A strong sour smell like vomit hit Sam's nose and ramped up his concern because if Dean was sick enough to puke then whatever happened was bad.
"So, you want to talk to me now with a wall of steam between us or…" Sam left it open as he leaned against the wall to wait, hearing a soft curse, a rough cough as if Dean was trying to cover something or clear his throat. "You do know if whatever happened was bad enough that you're throwing up it is going to freak me out, right?"
"Yeah, and that's kinda why I was trying to avoid telling you more than I had to about it since basically what I said is true, Cas is gone. That's all you or Jack need to know," Dean heard a sound from outside the wall of steam since he'd decided another hot shower might get the feel of Castiel's hands off of him or stop him from even thinking of some of what had been said much less thinking there might have been things done that Dean didn't fully recall yet.
"This obviously isn't your first shower. You have thrown up at least once, maybe twice going by your voice. You actually let me hug you in front of Jack and you said you loved me and neither one of us were dying or bleeding so either you come clean now or since Jack told me your jaw was clenched in the way it only is when you lie I'll just turn him loose on you tomorrow," Sam did relax a little more when he heard the low chuckle before movement through the steam gave him a glimpse of lean, toned muscle as Dean stepped out with a towel wrapped around his waist.
"My eyes are up a little farther, baby brother," Dean chuckled when he noticed that Sam's eyes, though tired, grim, and worried, were trailing a small rivulet of water as it ran down Dean's stomach to the towel. "I thought you wanted to talk, or cross examine me about what you think I'm not telling you."
Sam had to blink before blushing a little at being caught watching that little drop of water move over his brother's stomach much like Sam's fingers had done many times before. "Uhh, yeah, I do. Sorry," he coughed, forcing his gaze up only to gasp when he suddenly found his back hitting the shower room wall a second before Dean's mouth was on his in a kiss that was neither hot nor fast. It was just… Dean.
From the first moment they crossed those lines from brothers to lovers, Sam had quickly learned his brother had several ways to kiss him depending on the mood, on what had happened that day before or even moments leading up to them landing in a bed. There were times when the kisses were all heat, need on both of their parts while other times Dean could slow it down until each kiss seemed to burn Sam's veins with need but there was no rush. Though the type of kiss Sam secretly enjoyed the most was the one where it seemed his brother let all his guards down, when it was just them and Dean felt safe showing Sam how he felt and the kiss was loving, soft, gentle and was still able to melt Sam's brain.
"I love you, Sammy," Dean whispered against Sam's mouth in between light little kisses, the tip of his tongue tracing Sam's mouth before pulling Sam away from the wall and into his arms for another hug.
The first feel of Sam's mouth under his, the feel of Sam's hands gliding carefully over his back when he pulled him into the hug gave Dean the first taste of peace he'd known that night. It was then that he realized no matter how many hot showers he took that it wouldn't help him get the thoughts and words out of his mind. The only thing he needed to help him with that was also the only one he'd ever need and that was the young man currently looking like he was half tempted to say something in Latin.
"Okay, yes, something more happened in the dungeon while Billie was trying to bash down the door; more than I might've let on because I don't want to explain it to Jack because he might still look at the backstabbing bastard as something," Dean began, quick to shake his head while placing a finger against Sam's lips to stop the rush of questions he could see building behind Sam's eyes. "I will tell you if you promise me that after I tell you that you will try to not brood or overthink. Also, once I tell you this… just let me hold you tonight, Sammy. That's all I want to do, is hold you to reassure myself that I still have you regardless of all the crap that tried to break us apart."
"Well those things are usually the best ways to make me brood or overthink but you asking to just hold me? Yeah, concern spiking here, Dean. What the hell happened?" Sam could see the worry on his brother's face and so on instinct reached up to let his fingertips run over the tight jaw until he felt Dean start to relax and move his head so his lips touched Sam's fingers. "Your room?"
Both brothers knew it was a given that between their two rooms that when they shared a bed it would be Dean's. Sam simply sat at the foot while watching his brother prowl the room restlessly after pulling on a pair of sleep pants. "Dean. Tell me."
Sam wasn't sure how long it took for the entire story to get out because every once in a while, if he'd seen or felt Dean getting too tense or his brother's fingers clenched into fists, the younger Winchester had merely kissed Dean's face or let their fingers mesh so he could be sure to give little reassuring squeezes.
There were moments when Sam felt his own temper spiking when it started to settle with him what had been done in both of their lives and how much Castiel had tried to break him and Dean apart in one way or another.
As it got to the end and Dean had tensed when trying to gloss over some uglier pieces of Castiel's tale of how he'd planned things to go or what might have happened during times when they slept, it became clear to Sam why his brother had retreated to the shower and also why he just wanted to hold him that night.
By the time Dean was finished, he fell onto his back with a forced breath; eyes closed as he worked to once again clear his mind of the darker thoughts and only focus on the hard body laying beside him in the bed. "He kept saying he loved me as if that made it all okay but…"
"Hey, you told me not to brood or overthink," Sam began while turning so he could push up onto an elbow, touching Dean's chest until finally his brother reached to take his hand in his and brought it up to his mouth. "I'm sorry you had to face that alone. I'm sorry you had to realize that someone we both thought of as an ally was just trying to destroy us or me for his own selfish reasons, but he's gone. He's gone and I'm still here," he went on, pausing to lean closer to offer light kisses of his own until he finally felt the tension starting to leave his brother. "I love you, Dean. I love you and we will find a way through this like we have everything else."
Opening one eye, Dean looked at Sam for a long moment before slowly allowing his lips to curve into a slow, soft smile that only his brother was ever graced to see on him. "I told him, and I will tell you, you are the only one I will ever love, and we will beat Chuck."
Locking eyes for a long moment, both brothers understood that despite the need they both might feel, right then wasn't the time to make love even though Sam did plan to remove any doubts his brother might have been left with before they had their final battle with the Creator of the Universe. Right then, he was satisfied to just shift so he was curled against Dean's side with his head over his brother's heart and their fingers joined.
Dean laid awake longer, content to listen to the deep, even breathing of his brother, using the fingers of his other hand to lightly touch Sam like he had always done when they slept together if his brother had trouble sleeping.
He didn't know how they'd do this, but the hunter was sure of one damn thing. He'd no longer allow anyone to come between him and Sam. He would find a way to make up for all the pain his brother had suffered because of other people's lies.
"I love you, Sammy."
The End