How many briefings does one have to sit through before they all sound the same?
For Perry, the answer is probably somewhere around five, depending on which superior is giving said briefing.
Major Monogram only took three.
Case in point: today's. Perry stares up at the screen in front of him, watching Major Monogram's incompetence play out in front of him like the world's most painful -and predictable- movie.
Unfortunately, it's to be expected. With Carl going back to school, the Major has to learn how to do things that really should be quite easy for him. Surely Carl has attempted to explain how to work the various tech on the other side of the camera, but Major Monogram is about as technologically competent as a pile of compost.
If Perry is expected to do all these dangerous things in the field, day after day without breaks, then surely it's not too much to expect the Major to be able to operate simple tech. He sits up in a cushy office in Danville's headquarters all day, just giving out missions and reprimanding people. He should be able to do more.
Is that what they teach at the Academy? Incompetence and mistreating interns?
The pulley system that the Major is using to produce useless visual aids collapses, and Perry takes that as an out. He straps on his jetpack and leaves his lair through the hatch in the roof, heading towards Doofenshmirtz Evil, Incorporated.
Five minutes later, he crashes straight into an oversized bass drum, which slams shut to trap him.
Honestly, it's not the strangest trap he's been in all summer. It's mildly unpleasant when he realizes he's become part of Norm's drum set, and is therefore subject to Norm's drumming, but it's okay. Not quite as weird as the candy house, or the butler-inator, or even the multitude of slightly awkward rope traps.
"Ah, Perry the Platypus, snared in my trap," Doctor Doofenshmirtz says, laughing at his own bad drum pun as Norm drives the point home with a rimshot. "So nice to see you. Or not, since you're my nemesis, but I digress. Anyway, I was doing some thinking earlier today -don't roll your eyes like that- and I realized that all this time I was planning to become ruler of the Tri-State Area, I never took into account the fact there is no actual position. I should have spent my time creating one, honestly."
Perry sighs. If this is how they're starting, it looks like he'll be in for a ride today.
As Doofenshmirtz continues his monologue, even falling off the roof at one point, Perry prepares himself to escape the trap.
If Doofenshmirtz wants to make drum puns today, then he'll make one too. As Doofenshmirtz reveals his -inator (the Tri-Govern-Inator, which is a bit strange since the Tri-State Area already has a governor), Perry pushes on the side of the drum and attempts to run Doofenshmirtz over.
True to form, Doofenshmirtz does make a drum pun, and the fight is on.
It's a typical fight from there. Perry quickly gains the upper hand as they trade blows, just like always. Their fight takes them around and around the lab as Vanessa walks past them.
How strange it must be for her, for her dad fight a secret agent every day.
The door opens, and Perry catches a glimpse of Candace.
Crap. He had completely forgotten that Candace and Vanessa are friends. He releases Doofenshmirtz from the headlock he's in and ducks behind a random metal...thing.
"Oh, hi, Vanessa's dad," Candace says, and Perry does his best to hide his hat. Just in case. "How's it goin'?"
Thankfully, Heinz seems rather oblivious, saying "Have you seen my nemesis? He was just here a second ago. He's about, oh, this tall and-" He pauses. "You know what? No matter. When the guy who's punching you suddenly loses interest mid-punch, it's time to take serious stock of your life."
"I can totally relate," Candace says. "Like, from the beginning of today it was pretty bad. Like, I'm all off."
Metal screeches somewhere as Heinz says "Uh-huh."
"And you know every day this summer I've been trying to bust my brothers, and it's just not happening."
"Uh-huh." The noise of a box full of rubber chickens hitting the floor sounds out in the lab.
"Do you know how frustrating it is to have a single unrealized focus in your life?"
"Well that's just crazy. Gotta be some kind of teenage thing."
Perry has to stifle a laugh that threatens to reveal him.
"Same old, same ol' yadda yadda ya, blah de blah de blah. That's been my day so far." Candace huffs.
"Don't sit on that," Heinz says, and Perry realizes she must have almost sat on a trap. "A-and stop fussing with all of my -inators!"
Uh-oh. If Candace accidentally activates an -inator, especially with the help of his nemesis, then his career is toast.
The only reason it survived the events surrounding the other dimension is because he basically saved the Tri-State Area, and because of Heinz's Amnesia-inator.
Despite all he's done for the Agency, OWCA still only trusts him about as far as they can throw him.
"-Inators? Why?" Candace asks. "What does this one do?"
"Ah, that is my Do-Over-Inator."
"What's a Do-Over-Inator?"
"Really?" Heinz asks. "It says "do over" right in the name. It does the day over again, but I haven't worked out all the kinks yet. Matter of fact, I gotta work out the kinks in a lot o' these..." He trails off, rambling something to himself about microprocessors.
"A Do-Over-inator?" Candace asks, echoing Perry's thoughts and the click of a button echoes in the lab.
Crap. Perry holds his breath, but absolutely nothing happens.
Thank god for Heinz's kinks. (A mental image pops into Perry's head, which he immediately banishes to the far off recesses of his mind.)
Candace leaves with Vanessa shortly after that, leaving him alone to continue his fight with Doofenshmirtz
Peering over the metal thing he's hiding behind, he can see Heinz messing with the Do-Over-Inator and talking to himself.
While it would be a good idea for him to thwart this scheme before it starts, he can't help but watch Heinz work.
Why? Well, to be quite honest, he's fascinated. Heinz's hands fly as he makes notes and adjustments almost faster than Perry can understand. His mechanical prowess is rivaled maybe by his nephew's abilities.
Perry wishes he could make some sort of invention every day, to be a part of the creation instead of the destruction. Especially since he's never around to help with his nephew's creations.
But for now, it looks like he's doomed to just steal moments like these.
He turns his focus away from his thoughts and onto the the -inator. After a few moments, Heinz presses another button and sits back.
A soft zap sounds behind Perry, and he whirls around. A bright blue rip has appeared in mid-air, and it's starting to exert a strong pull against him. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Heinz shake his head and go back to working.
Perry lunges for the nearest heavy object, grabbing onto the edge of a lab table. The rip still tugs at him though, and Perry starts to panic. What's on the other side of this...rift? Does anything that go in come back?
Whatever happens on the other side, it doesn't matter, because he's about to find out. This rift seems bound and determined to suck him in. Perry's grip on the lab table finally breaks and he scrabbles at the ground in an attempt to stay out of the rift.
His fingers close around an orange. It's a last ditch effort, but what else does he have?
He throws the orange into the rift with his right hand, lunging to the side and grabbing onto a loose floor tile with his left.
The rift closes, ejecting Perry's lower half. Perry scrambles to look around for other rifts, breathing a sigh of relief when he sees the air is clear of strange blue rips.
Crisis averted. Now, it's time to go back to thwarting Heinz.
Of course, Heinz takes this moment to press the big purple button on the -inator.
Suddenly, a strange black and white spiral of clock faces passes in front of his vision, and he falls backwards.
He blinks a few times, clearing the fading spiral from his vision as he sits up. Looking around, he realizes he's in his room, sitting in his bed and in his pajamas.
What the fuck? He was just in Doofenshmirtz Evil, Incorporated, doing...something. (He can't quite remember, it's all foggy before the rift.) And now he's sitting in bed.
He picks up his phone, silencing the alarm that's going off with it's usual annoying tone.
Strange. Eh, it's probably just some dream. Getting sucked into a rift, then having to throw an orange in to get out? That's weird, even for Danville.
Yeah, it was definitely just a dream. Today will just be another normal day. He'll go to Doofenshmirtz Evil, Incorporated and do his usual battle with Heinz. Then he'll come home and have pie with the kids, enjoying the last day of summer. By the time he goes to bed tonight, he'll have forgotten all about it.
But before he starts his day, he should get dressed. Maintain some semblance of professionalism when he goes into work.
Even if the secret agency he works for is profoundly unprofessional, he can at least look semi-polished.
He throws on his usual work outfit and heads downstairs, steering clear of the skateboard sitting on the steps. It probably wouldn't be good to take a tumble down the stairs first thing in the morning.
In the kitchen, he puts the kettle on and gets out some tea, grabbing the paper and handing it to Lawrence.
If anything interesting is happening, he'll hear about it from the agent bulletin if it's important and the gossip mill if it isn't.
Candace rolls into the kitchen in a red wagon with a sigh. "And so begins the last day of summer," she says when Perry barely sidesteps the rolling wagon. She looks up, eyes narrowed. "Again."
Again? That's a rather strange thing to say.
Linda gets up from the table, picking her purse up from the counter. "Which means back to school errands for me and making the most of the day for you," she says at the same time as Candace.
Linda's surprised expression is one for the ages. It's only Perry's ingrained stoicism that keeps him from having a similar expression.
"This is amazing!" Candace exclaims. "Today is exactly the same as yesterday! It's repeating!"
Perry nearly chokes on thin air. What the...
With how weird the past few minutes of his maybe-not-a-dream were, that actually makes sense. While Lawrence comments on Candace being philosophical, Perry stares down the kettle and considers if that's true.
Evidence for the claim- Heinz was working on some sort of time -inator, and there was that weird spiraling clock face that happened right before he woke up. Plus the rift thing- that was strange.
Evidence against- well, it's weird. And it's not like he has any idea what happened, because the only thing he really remembers is trying to get out of that rift.
Either way, it's strange. Perry takes the kettle off the stove and pours his tea. Hopefully he'll get some answers when he goes down to his lair.
Thirty seven loops later, Perry still has no idea what's going on. It feels new every time he wakes up, like the last several loops were just dreams inside of dreams.
Of course, he knows they're loops by now. And he's pretty much got it figured out how it started. Heinz tinkering with an invention that Candace accidentally activated.
That would certainly explain how they also know what's going on.
The only things that change every loop are the traps. They keep getting more and more complex, so obviously Heinz thinks Perry doesn't know about the loops.
Speaking of, there's got to be a way to break these loops. While it's kind of nice to know that he could live without consequences (although it's not like he would, it's been trained into him since he joined OWCA to follow the rules, even without repercussions), it's getting kind of annoying to never have a full day.
As he frees himself from the forty-third trap in a row, something occurs to him.
What if he isn't supposed to know about the loops? Heinz and Candace know, but nobody else does.
Plus there's the fact that he only ever remembers being in Doofenshmirtz Evil, Incorporated. He could quote Doofenshmirtz's monologue by heart, but every time he hears his briefing from Major Monogram, it feels new.
He breaks his way out of the net, landing right in another freaking trap. Heinz continues his monologue, and Perry mouths the words along with him.
Could it be the thing with the rift?
It might just be. That would also explain the fact that he only remembers some things from today.
The explanation is a bit far-fetched, but it works.
Whatever's going on, it's getting kind of old. At least he doesn't remember Major Monogram's pathetic "woe is me, I can't learn how to use technology" pre-mission rambles.
Thank god for small miracles.
As he worms his way out of yet another trap, the forty-fifth in a row, he can hear the activation of a lever, and he snaps his head up.
Heinz has just activated his Tri-Govern-Inator. He just won. Evil just prevailed.
Which means he's toast.
But with the way Heinz is grinning, Perry doesn't feel an ounce of regret.
Perry sighs as he watches Heinz set up the little voting booth on the street. There isn't a whole lot he can do from here right now, except maybe throw things.
Actually, now that he thinks about it, isn't there a bowl of oranges in the lab? Perfect ammunition. Perry spins around and runs over to the lab table with the fruit bowl.
Except when he lays eyes on the bowl, it's full of grapes.
He could have sworn that bowl was full of oranges earlier. Did him throwing an orange into that rift erase all the oranges in the lab? He doesn't recall seeing any oranges on the counter this morning either, have they been erased completely?
That seems rather unlikely, but Perry still pulls out his phone to check. A simple search of orange reveals nothing but the color, and searching orange fruit yields results for mangoes, apricots, and grapefruits.
Oh boy.
So he was right. Anything that goes into those rifts never comes back, which makes him all the more happy that he got out of the rift.
What if other rifts exist as well? What else has been sucked in?
What if he had been sucked in?
As he ponders these questions, still staring at the fruit bowl, a man walks into the voting booth below and votes doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz for governor of the Tri-State Area.
Perry sits down outside the window of the Tri-Governor's mansion, on the strangely wide railing underneath, trying his best not to cry.
Tri-Governor, and he doesn't even want to see his old nemesis. With all they've been through today (and today, and today), one would think that they could at least stay friends.
It hurts more than he wants to admit. He takes his hat off and fiddles with it, picking at the brim.
Less than half an hour ago, Perry had been so happy for him. Seeing Heinz happy had made him happy.
And now he's just been kicked to the curb. One bit of success has gone to his head, and he doesn't want to be around his old nemesis anymore.
He didn't even meet Perry's eye when he sent him away.
A window next to him pops open, and he looks up.
"Perry? What are you doing here?" Vanessa asks.
Perry shrugs, but he scoots a little closer to Vanessa's window. At least there's one Doofenshmirtz that's willing to talk to him.
"Problems with my dad, too? Welcome to the club." She sighs. "I've been trying all day to tell him that I've been accepted by LOVEMUFFIN's internship program, but that I can't join if I'm living with their least-interesting evil scientist. Like, that's even worse than living with normal parents."
Perry raises an eyebrow. She wants to intern with LOVEMUFFIN?
"Yeah, yeah, I know. But I was talking to some of the other evil scientists at this convention he dragged me to, and a bunch of them are really cool. Like, a bunch of LOVEMUFFIN is dad's type of evil, all flashy inventions and thwarting. But there's a whole bunch of them that are more like...subtle evil?"
Perry's confusion must show on his face, since Vanessa continues with an explanation.
"I didn't know they existed either," she says. "But they're really cool. They're basically using loopholes and malicious compliance to get what they want. They've got a big under-the-radar group, and a bunch of them are even in Congress. LOVEMUFFIN is just a way for them to find and recruit new people. Like me."
Okay, that's pretty cool. And it's all perfectly legal, right under OWCA's nose.
Speaking of OWCA, they might be watching this. Perry pulls his hat off and pulls the recording equipment out of the brim. He does the same to his watch, then chucks it all off the roof. Either it will break when it hits the ground, or he'll pick it up later. He doesn't particularly care.
He'll get chewed out for this, but he doesn't care. If the day loops again like it has been, then there won't be consequences.
And at this point, he's kind of beyond caring. About OWCA, about Heinz...about much of anything. His niblings are somewhere out there, putting their grand plans into action. Right now, if it weren't for the shreds of obeying orders ("stand by, Agent P") drilled into him, he'd be out there with them, trying to put today aside.
Vanessa sighs. "But there's the issue of my Dad. He's been kinda hurting for inspiration lately. He's lost his spark. He's not even really trying, you know?"
Perry nods. Some of the more recent inventions have been rather...lackluster. If even Vanessa has taken notice of that, then they're definitely getting bad.
"And if I'm going to have an internship with an evil group, I want to at least live with someone respected in the evil community. Or somebody who isn't involved at all, like Mom."
You know, Perry signs, he'll be devastated...
"I do know that. And I don't want to leave either. But this is what's best for both of us."
You don't know that.
"Actually, I do know. He'll turn it into inspiration, he'll be even eviler, I'll move back in. I'll get exactly what I want."
Yeah, she's going to do just fine with the more deceptive and sly style of evil. She's got the evil smarts of her father and the artful manipulation skills of her lawyer mother.
But Perry doesn't want to think about their family breaking apart. What if there was a way for you to stay at home, and to give him a spark? he asks.
"Pshh, that's not going to happen. Not unless you go evil or something." Vanessa snorts as if the mere thought of Perry going evil is completely ridiculous.
To her, it is. To Perry? Well...maybe not so much.
Back in Doofenshmirtz Evil, Incorporated, a rather strange thought had flitted through his head when he realized Heinz had won.
For just the briefest of moments, he had considering going evil if it meant seeing Heinz smile like that. Obviously, he had squashed it then.
But the idea of going evil is like a weed. If it gets squashed, it only grows back twice as strong.
If he went evil, then he wouldn't have to deal with Major Monogram. He wouldn't have to hide his work from his family. In fact, Phineas and Ferb could even help.
No more missing vacations. No more excuses. No more sneaking around.
If he went evil, there'd be no more missions where he flirts with death. No more near misses that haunt him in the middle of the night.
And, most of all, he'd be finally in control of his life. He won't have to listen to people talking over him anymore, like he's stupid. He can get revenge on every single person who's underestimated him.
He's got his own fair share of repressed backstories and spite. OWCA's treatment of its agents only serves to inspire him even more.
The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that he could totally make this evil thing work.
Actually, Perry signs, going evil doesn't sound so bad.
"You are not going evil just to help me out."
It's not just for you.
Understanding dawns on Vanessa's face. "Oh, so you're going to go evil so you can date Dad."
Perry shakes his head. That- that's not true.
Okay, so it's partially true. Agents aren't allowed to date evil scientists, that's always been the rule. For a long time, Perry had thought that rule was sensible. He hadn't even considered the possibility of dating someone evil. Him? One of OWCA's greatest? He wouldn't be caught dead having feelings for someone evil.
Then again, he didn't think he'd consider going evil either.
But now? If Heinz liked him back, then he'd go evil in an instant. (He'd probably go evil anyway, now that he thinks about it, but that would just be the icing on the cake.)
Perry sighs. There's a couple problems with that. Mostly being that he doesn't like me back.
Vanessa's jaw drops. "Are you for real? Of course he likes you."
And how do you know that?
"You know that day a couple weeks ago when Dad was moping around? Like, more than usual?"
Perry nods. "Well," Vanessa continues, "while he was moping around, I found an OWCA handbook open to the page on nemesis relationships on the kitchen table and some rose petals by the trash chute. Nobody else lives on our floor, Perry. I don't think those things are mutually exclusive."
Perry remembers that day. The way Heinz hadn't even met his eye during their usual thwarting. It makes sense, in a weird sort of way...
Unfortunately, before he can even ask Vanessa any questions, the monochrome clock face spirals in front of him.
Perry doesn't curse much, but...god fucking dammit.
As Perry gets dressed for what might be the fifth or the five thousandth time (he wouldn't know, he doesn't remember any of it), he keeps thinking about Vanessa's last words.
"I don't think those things are mutually exclusive."
He sighs and sits down on his bed, taking his watch off and staring at the slightly scratched face.
This stupid little thing basically controls everything he does. Wouldn't it be great to just get rid of it?
There's got to be consequences, though.
Going evil, and all that entails. The late nights and early mornings and dealing with the rest of LOVEMUFFIN, plus the fact that he has only a vague idea of what he's supposed to do.
Dating Heinz, and all that entails. There's a tiny voice in the back of his head, whispering he's a dating failure, and well...it's kinda true. He's tried all summer and gotten nowhere.
Could he really do it?
Is this really feasible?
There's an image in his brain, one where he and Heinz are wearing similar lab coats and watching the sun set over a Tri-State Area they rule. Together.
In the image, Heinz takes Perry's hand and gets down on one knee, baring his soul to the former agent before pulling out a ring box...
And damn, if that isn't a wonderful possibility.
All he has to do is leave OWCA and go evil. Let go of the rope and free fall. If he doesn't try, he'll never know.
Yes, he's reckless, and he has a bad habit of jumping into things without knowing all the facts. This decision isn't one he should make lightly.
But this feels like what he's been waiting for. This feels right.
There's just one more thing. What would happen to his family?
Him leaving OWCA normally by retiring would end with him signing a simple non-disclosure form, saying that he can't tell anybody but his spouse about his real job. It's the same one he signed when he was accepted into the training program, and again when he was promoted to a full agent.
Other than that, nothing would happen. Nobody would be relocated, no memories erased.
But what if he just left? Without signing that paper, without telling anybody? If he went evil, then what?
That's a good question. Carl should know.
Thankfully, just a couple weeks ago, Carl gave Perry his number. Just in case anything went awry while he was in class.
So Perry gets his phone out to ask him.
what would happen if i quit owca to go evil?
hypothetically ofc
The answer comes maybe ten minutes later, as Perry pours his mug of tea downstairs. Candace and Linda seem to have already left for the day, and Lawrence is putting his cereal bowl in the sink.
agent handbook, page 114, clauses 179A-G
btw if you go evil tell mm to suck it
Perry huffs a laugh, sending off a quick thanks before going back upstairs to retrieve his handbook.
He flips through the pages as fast as possible, one almost ripping in his haste. Here it is, page 114, clause 179.
Perry skims the segments. The first part regards his family, and his heart sinks preemptively. It-okay, it's not actually that bad.
If he goes evil, his immediate family can't join OWCA. That's...it.
And technically, the only immediate family Perry has is dead. Lawrence is merely a cousin. His parents have been gone since he was three. The kids aren't really his niblings, but they call him Uncle Perry, so he doesn't bother to correct them.
So there's absolutely nobody that's affected by that.
Skimming through the rest of the segments, he can't see anything else regarding his family. There's some stuff about not being assigned a nemesis from the same division he left, some stuff on how he can't use any OWCA tech anymore. Nothing he didn't expect.
So his niece and nephews wouldn't even be affected.
His watch pings, and he heads down to his base. Time to push away his feelings and go thwart Heinz again.
Perry slows down when he escapes his traps, his mind still trying to weigh out the pros and cons of going evil.
Right now, the pro side is winning. By a lot. In fact, the only con he can think of is what if I regret it?
And even that seems to be fading away as he thinks about it. There are more cons than pros to staying with OWCA. There are more pros than cons for going evil.
There's only one real option in front of him.
And that's to go evil.
Unfortunately, the slowing-down has caused him to completely allow Heinz to take over the Tri-State Area.
For the very first time in his very long OWCA career, Perry doesn't care.
Perry sits down outside the window of Heinz's new office.
It's disheartening, how Heinz went so far as to make a law to keep Perry away.
He sighs, only vaguely realizing how a tear drips down his cheek. Damn it, he's supposed to be stoic and not show emotions right now. This doesn't help anything.
...Hang on a moment. He can't even show normal human emotions on duty? How screwed up is that?
The more he thinks about it, the better leaving OWCA sounds.
If only to be able to freaking cry when things hurt.
And that's that. He's going to leave, preferably flipping the Major off on the way out.
It'd be the evil thing to do.
But that can come a bit later. For now, he looks back into the office and watches as Vanessa walks in to talk to her dad.
He watches as Heinz looks up, and how his eyes go wide when Vanessa says something.
She's probably telling her dad about the internship, with how Heinz is reacting.
He can't hear the conversation, but he can at least watch Heinz's amusing facial expressions.
And he watches, powerless, as a blue glowing rift opens behind her and sucks her in.
Perry leaps inside in less than a second, but it's too late. Heinz is holding onto Vanessa's arm as she gets sucked in, but he bounces off the rift.
The scream that rips its way from Heinz's throat when he realizes Vanessa is gone is something Perry never wants to hear ever again.
Perry stands frozen, staring at the place where Vanessa used to be.
She's gone. Sucked up into the rift in less than five seconds.
Finally, Heinz realizes Perry is in the room. He looks up, his face streaked with tears. "Perry?" he whispers. "Did you see that?"
Perry nods. He saw it all.
"Do you know where she went?" he asks.
Perry shakes his head. Is it related to one of your inventions? he asks. That seems like the logical place to start. Strange things in Danville are usually the result of his nephews or his nemesis.
Heinz goes through a list of inventions aloud to himself, ticking them off on his fingers as he discounts them.
"No," he says, "I don't think it i- wait a minute. Hold on. I'm missing one." He stares at the ground for a moment before his face lights up. "It's the Do-Over-Inator, it's got to be."
A Do-Over-Inator? Well, that would certainly explain how the time loops started. It doesn't explain how Candace got involved, but at least it's a start.
"Yeah, that's got to be it," Heinz says. "Which means, I know how to get Vanessa back!"
Then let's get to it, Perry signs with a grin. Maybe they can get oranges back at the same time, since grapefruit really isn't the same.
"What, you want to help?" Heinz asks with a laugh, as if the entire idea is foreign to him. Honestly, it probably is.
What sort of friend would I be if I just left you like that? Of course I'm going to help.
"Isn't helping me against like, your agent protocols, or something?"
Perry shrugs. Probably not, but I don't care.
"Then we should get up to my lab. Say what you will about this place, but it really doesn't have what we need. I'll explain on the way."
Ten minutes later, Perry realizes that there's a lot more to this whole time conundrum than he thought.
Thankfully, Heinz has explained it in a way that he can understand. (Mostly.)
"-So that's what's going on with the whole time stream," Heinz says as they finally enter the lab. "Time is looping, and it's so unstable that these rips are sucking things into the time stream."
Heinz throws a rock he picked up from somewhere at the Tri-Govern-inator, and it explodes with a bang.
"And that's that," he sighs. "Curse you, Perry the Platypus, and all that."
Perry shrugs. We've got more important things to do right now. What do you want me to do?
"We're going to have to pull Vanessa out of the time stream, then stop the loops to get her back for good. Which means we have to get work on a new -inator. Are you sure you want to help?"
Absolutely.
"Even though it's an -inator?"
I don't care. I want to help.
Heinz smiles. "Then I won't turn you down."
Heinz huffs and steps away from the -inator, dropping his tools and walking to the balcony.
He's slumped over, gazing sort of despondently off the balcony. The -inator hasn't been behaving properly, and time is running out. They've already been through a loop while trying to build it, and it likely won't be long until they have to start all over. Heinz has visibly been getting more and more discouraged as the afternoon stretches into early evening.
Perry sets his wrench down and follows him.
Are you okay? he asks as the silence stretches on.
Heinz shakes his head. "Nothing is working." He sighs heavily, burying his face in his hands. "I- I'm a failure. I can't even save my own daughter."
Perry churrs, and Heinz looks up. Yes you can, he signs. You know why? Because I believe in you.
"Why? I lose most of our battles, you know that. I can't do anything evil right." He slumps over again. "Maybe I should just go good," he says, a hint of dark laughter in his voice.
Perry narrows his eyes. Really? Why would you do that? he asks. Seriously, OWCA sucks.
"Never thought I'd hear you say that, Perry the Platypus." Heinz looks back out over Danville. "But if I can't even be evil right, then what can I do?"
You don't give yourself enough credit. You're a brilliant evil scientist, and possibly the most resilient man I've ever met.
"Am I really."
Not just everyone can go through what you've been through and come out the other side like you have. Even though I thwart you every day, you're always willing to bounce right back and try again. I know you'll be able to pull through and save Vanessa.
Heinz gulps, finally meeting Perry's eyes. Perry can tell he's trying to internalize the words.
"Thank you, Perry the Platypus," he eventually whispers.
Perry smiles and accepts Heinz's embrace.
"We should probably get back to work, though," Heinz says after a minute. "Not- not that this isn't nice, but we should give her a fighting chance, right?"
Perry nods, and they make their way back to the half-built -inator.
"Hey, since she's not here," Heinz says as he scribbles something down on the messy blueprint, "I can tell all sorts of embarrassing stories about her."
Perry snickers as he tightens one of the bolts on the side of the -inator. He hasn't done the same much with his niblings, but then again, he doesn't really have people to tell these sorts of stories. Linda and Lawrence already know everything, and the few friends he has are all through OWCA, where all personal information is on a need-to-know basis.
Just another reason to leave OWCA. He'll have time to make real friends.
"So of course, I had to drop my -inator and go bring her fresh clothes," Heinz says, and Perry realizes he's been tuning out the conversation. "I mean, she was covered in ketchup. I actually gave her an -inator to get revenge, but she wouldn't take it. Said it wouldn't be allowed, or something. Schools and their rules, am I right?"
Perry nods. It's like they don't want kids to have fun. I've had to pick up things Phineas and Ferb have invented during recess quite a few times before.
"You've got inventor kids?" Heinz asks with a laugh, and Perry nods. "Oh man, that's great." He pauses, then sets down the blueprint. "Wait, hang on. You have kids?"
I do. Perry hesitates a moment. Well, sort of.
"What does sort of mean?"
I have a niece and nephews. I just call them my kids.
"Oh. Huh. You know, I always figured you were a loner, not a family man."
Well, there's a lot you don't know about me.
They fall quiet, both slowly getting back to work. Perry occasionally gets up to retrieve tools and materials, handing them to Heinz as he asks for them.
After a while, Heinz looks up. "Are you even allowed to tell me that? About your family, and all that?"
Perry shakes his head. He's not supposed to tell his nemesis anything.
But who cares? He's made up his mind. He's going evil.
"Then why did you..."
Because I'm quitting OWCA to go evil.
The hammer in Heinz's hand clatters to the floor as his jaw drops. "What the fuck?"
Perry snickers, watching as seventeen different emotions flit across Heinz's face.
He eventually settles on disbelief. "You're kidding."
I'm serious.
Heinz shakes his head. "You? Evil? You're practically the most straight-laced agent I've ever seen."
Perry very nearly laughs aloud. Not really.
"What, you're not actually all that?"
OWCA...well, they don't exactly treat their agents very well. I just never thought it was a viable option before today.
"And now you're leaving them to become evil. Why go evil, though?"
I have an abundance of backstories and spite too. You inspired me to face that instead of just brushing it off.
Perry looks over at the -inator. And I've always wanted to be a part of the creating, instead of the destroying.
"So- you're really leaving OWCA. You're really going to go evil."
Absolutely.
"You're sure."
One hundred percent. Of course, I'll need somebody to help me out at first, since I'm kind of new to the evil thing...
Heinz's face absolutely lights up. "Can I help you?"
I was hoping you'd say that.
"Oh, Perry, I..." For what may be the first time ever, Heinz is at a loss for words. His look of disbelief morphs into something else. Something more...gentle. He reaches out and takes Perry's hand.
"You're going to be amazing," he says, his voice barely above a whisper. "I just know you'll do great."
They're toeing the fine line between something right now, and with every passing second Perry feels more tempted to leap across the line.
In the end, Heinz is the one that makes the move.
When their lips finally touch, Perry's heart nearly surges out of his chest. This is it, what they've been dancing around the entire summer.
And it's even better than Perry ever imagined.
He's not religious, and he doesn't pretend to be. But the soft, gentle pressure that increases as they grow more comfortable with the kiss might just be heaven on earth.
Heinz's other hand comes up to brush softly against Perry's cheek. Perry leans into the kiss a little more, reaching up to run his hand through Heinz's soft hair. Unfortunately, Heinz seems to realize what he's doing. He practically leaps out of his own skin when he scrambles backwards, spewing apologies.
After a moment of Heinz apologizing for something that Perry was definitely enjoying, a moment where Perry's brain mostly just tries to catch up to what just happened, Perry reaches out and grabs Heinz's hand.
No need to apologize, Perry signs when Heinz finally shuts up. I actually quite enjoyed that.
"You...you did?"
Perry nods. Of course he did.
Heinz leans in again, and Perry easily meets him halfway.
This time, as they kiss, Heinz's fingers card through his hair. They dislodge his hat and it falls to the ground.
Perry doesn't even miss it. In fact, it feels like a weight has lifted off his head. Like a cord holding him back has finally snapped.
He pulls back for a brief moment, eyes drinking in the giddy smile and cherry-red flush on Heinz's face.
But just as he leans in again, a infinitely looping clock face passes in front of his vision.
When he opens his eyes, he's standing in Doofenshmirtz Evil, Incorporated. There's a half-built invention sitting next to him, and Heinz is leaning against the railing of the balcony.
Something big must have happened, since there's a black scorch mark on the floor where the Tri-Govern-Inator was.
"Perry?" Heinz whispers, turning around when Perry approaches him. His shoulders slump inwards, and he makes eye contact with a point somewhere over Perry's left shoulder.
For a moment, Perry is rather confused before he realizes that Heinz has no idea he remembers.
There's only one thing he can do from here. He pulls off his hat and throws it off the balcony, not even bothering to watch it as it falls to the street below.
Instead, he takes Heinz's cheek in his hand and forces him to make eye contact.
"Perry, what's going on?"
He grabs the lapels of Heinz's lab coat and pulls him down into a kiss.
Unfortunately, after only a second or two Heinz pulls away, brow wrinkled in confusion.
I remember, Perry signs in way of explanation.
"All of it?"
Perry shakes his head. Some of it. I remember the last few minutes of each loop.
"Huh. That's...well, the science seems dubious, but I'm not going to question it. I mean, I break the laws of physics every day, this might as well happen." He looks down at the ground, then back up. "So you're really going evil, and you really like me?"
Perry nods slowly, a smile spreading across his face. Of course.
"Perry- I- well, this is fantastic."
Of course it is. They've always been formidable forces on either side of the good and evil struggle. But now that they're working together, now that they're together...taking over the tri-state area is a question of when, not if.
So what is this? Perry asks, gesturing towards the partially constructed -inator behind them.
"Oh! That's how we're getting Vanessa back. She, uh, got rifted."
Rifted? Perry asks, spelling out the unfamiliar word.
"She got sucked into one of those little blue time rip thingies. And we have to get her back, before the time loops get too short to sustain life."
What?
"C'mon," Heinz says, heading back towards the -inator, "I'll explain as we work."
Several hours, four loops, and a whole lot of German cursing later, Heinz starts to panic. "The loops are getting shorter and shorter," he breathes, all in a rush, after yet another loop resets their progress. "We don't have much time. Hand me that hammer?"
Perry nods and picks up the mentioned tool, handing it over.
"The more times we loop over," Heinz says, "the higher chance there is for the universe to explode. Right now, we're sitting somewhere around a fifteen percent chance of explosion."
Perry gulps, referencing the blueprint once again so that he can build the control panel.
"Thankfully," Heinz says after a few moments, "the loops are leaving us just enough time for me to put in some safegua-"
The time spiral crosses in front of Perry's vision.
"Or not," Heinz says, mostly to himself. Perry hands the hammer over again, and they almost double their building speeds. The atmosphere in the lab turns tense as they do their best to finish the -inator in time. Even the sounds of traffic below cease to disturb them, although a quick peek off the balcony reveals that cars must have gotten sucked into rifts too since there aren't any in sight.
They're almost done with the fail-safes when time loops over on itself again.
"The loops are almost too short to sustain," Heinz says once Perry has been caught up, yet again. "We're going to have to try this without the safeguards."
If this is the only way, then let's do it, Perry signs.
"Just grab that lever," Heinz says, pressing a few buttons, "and pull it on three." He takes a deep breath.
"One, two, three..."
Across Danville, another rip opens and a slapped-together vehicle tumbles out. Amidst the chaos, Candace Gertrude Flynn pulls a spoon out of her pocket and throws it at the self-destruct button on the Do-Over-Inator.
A spiral clock face swirls across Perry's vision, but this time, it's brightly colored and spinning the other way.
He blinks the clock face away from his eyes, and grins. The lab is still here. The floor is still solid beneath his feet. The universe didn't explode, which is always a good thing.
Did it work? He has a feeling that it did, but he can't be sure.
He looks around the lab, taking everything. The bowl sitting out on a lab table is full of brightly colored oranges. The air smells like fresh muffins (Norm must be baking), and there's the distant noise of traffic below.
Perry grins. Everything is finally, fully, back to normal. Or at least as normal as Danville ever gets.
Except for one loose end. Where's Vanessa? All of this will have been for nothing if she's not back.
A knock sounds at the door, and Heinz gets up to answer it.
On the other side of the front door is Vanessa, leaning against the door frame and panting like she just ran across town.
Heinz pulls Vanessa into a hug, and Vanessa doesn't even resist.
"I would have just come in, but I left my keys in rift-ville," she says once Heinz lets go.
Just bust in, that's what I do, Perry signs, and Vanessa laughs.
"Nah, I have a feeling he would make me pay for it," she says, and she's probably right.
"Are you okay?" Heinz asks as he checks Vanessa over for injuries, being the overprotective father he's always been.
"I'm fine, Dad. We all got out of rift-ville safely."
Heinz raises one eyebrow. "We? Who else was in there with you?"
"Candace and her brothers were there too, and some of their friends."
Perry's eyes go wide. Candace and Phineas and Ferb got sucked into rifts too? And their friends?
"But we all got out fine, and we destroyed your time -inator thingy, so everything is good now."
Perry breathes a sigh of relief. At least they all got out okay. He would never be able to forgive himself if any of them were lost to the rifts. Especially since he had the chance to stop everything- and didn't.
Norm pops his head out of the kitchen. "It's muffin time," he says, and Perry grins. If there's one thing that can be counted on, it's Norm's love of muffins.
They all file into the kitchen, where Norm has made enough chocolate muffins to feed an entire army.
"So you're interning with LOVEMUFFIN," Heinz says to Vanessa as they sit around the kitchen table.
Vanessa nods. "That's right."
"And you want to move out."
She nods again. "Please don't take this personally, but you're honestly not evil enough."
Heinz's eyes go wide. "Not evil enough? Who are you interning under, Rodney?"
"Actually, I'll be with Dr. Kravits most of the time," Vanessa says. "And...yeah, not evil enough. It's nothing personal, it's just..."
Heinz looks down at his hands. "No, I get it, you're a teenager, you want your independence. You don't have to find other excuses."
"What?" Vanessa asks. "I mean, that's part of it, but it's really that you're not evil enough."
"Hmm. What if I had someone else evil working with me?"
"Like an assistant?"
Heinz shakes his head. "I was thinking more along the lines of a partner. A co-conspirator."
Vanessa hums, picking at the paper of her muffin. "...Well, who were you thinking of?"
Perry churrs and points at himself. Me.
Vanessa nearly chokes on her muffin. "You? Evil?"
Perry merely nods. It sounds far-fetched, but he's going evil. He's got a backstory, he's got accumulated spite, and he's got motivation. Plus OWCA sucks.
"If you two are working together," Vanessa says, intently considering the tabletop, "maybe I don't have to leave."
She smirks, in the way Candace always does when she's plotting to bust her brothers. "And maybe now that you're both evil, you can finally admit you like each other."
This time, Heinz nearly chokes on his muffin. Been there, done that, Perry signs.
Norm emerges from the kitchen with yet another tray of piping hot muffins, and the little tension in the room lifts.
Their conversation turns to topics like Vanessa's upcoming internship and Perry's personal life. All they've known is stoic Agent P,
It's a bit sad that Perry doesn't really have much of a personal life to speak of, but he vows to correct that as soon as possible. Today, he can tell Heinz and Vanessa about his niece and nephews, and that's enough to fill quite a bit of conversation.
Time passes in what seems like a blink of an eye. When Perry's watch pings, he can barely believe that nearly an hour has passed.
He ignores the call to headquarters, and all the subsequent threats of demotion and firing.
Who cares? They can't fire him, he quits.
After a while, over the normal city sounds of Danville, Perry can hear the sounds of a musical number. One that can only come from the backyard on Maple Street.
An idea pops into his head. He's missed so many numbers, trying to hide his job from his family. But now that he doesn't have to hide, he can finally join in.
Speaking of my family, do you guys want to meet them?
Heinz grins. "That sounds great."
At home, Perry retrieves his bass from his room and joins the kids on the stage in the backyard that popped up out of nowhere. Heinz has found an alto sax somewhere, and Vanessa's got her electric guitar. Norm has brought over most of the muffins as well.
For some reason, Major Monogram and Carl are both on stage as well, playing their own horns. When Major Monogram sees Perry and Heinz together he stomps over, probably ready to deliver the lecture of the century, but Perry merely pretends he doesn't exist.
Ah, revenge feels so good. No wonder evil science is such a popular occupation in Danville.
Perry leans up to kiss Heinz at one point and the incredulous look on Monobrow's face is one for the ages.
Now that he's not working for OWCA, who cares?
He can even call dating Heinz his first evil act. (He'd flip the Major off right here and now, but the kids are around.)
The impromptu backyard concert continues well into the late evening, with even Love Handel making an appearance. Major Monogram and Carl leave after the first few songs, and Perry relaxes even more.
Norm's massive stockpile of muffins even comes in handy, providing snacks for both the crowd and the musicians.
It's wonderful, to be able to play music and dance with both sides of his life. It's even better to know that after today, he won't have a two sided life anymore.
No more Perry the Platypus. He'll just be Perry Fletcher. He'll be himself.
And right now, as Heinz beams at him and the kids leap into another musical number, that sounds like the best thing possible.