Your gut instinct, also known as intuition, is when you immediately know something.
You just know.
There's no need to think about it.
Trust your gut.
That's what they say, but then there's always that second voice in your head that tells you otherwise. It's the second voice that often messes with your head, that makes you doubt if you're actually as sure as you feel.
Which brings me to where I am now.
It was starting to get dark but I was still trying to find my way back to Seattle Grace.
Why?
Here's an example of your gut instinct in action.
My knee was hurting, pretty bad actually. I like to think that I have a pretty high pain tolerance and will usually refrain from admitting that I'm in pain, but I would admit that my knee was in pain. When I unwrapped the dressing on it, my knee was red and swollen. My intuition was telling me that something was wrong.
The thing is though, Dr. Torres had told me that swelling and pain were to be expected after my knee surgery and so my mind was telling me that all that redness and pain was normal.
That's the second voice.
However, I ignored the second voice, as hard as it was, and was now trying to find my way back to the hospital. I mean, my knee was also oozing a strange yellow substance and that also pushed me to go.
It was rather ironic actually because I originally was trying to get out of that place and now here I was, trying to get back in.
Somehow, I managed to recognize a few landmarks that I had passed when I stumbled to the blind alley yesterday and I felt a sense of assurance, knowing that I was at least going the right way.
When I finally found the hospital, I nearly laughed out of relief.
The sun had set now but there was no way hospitals weren't open 24/7 so I tried to read the signs, attempting to figure out where the ER was.
I was tired and my judgement was clearly clouded but I still managed to get myself to the ER floor.
Walking in, I felt myself tense up and I nearly walked right back out.
Even at this time of the day, there were a lot of people in the ER and my stomach was starting to feel queasy.
I was too busy looking around at all the people, completely lacking focus on where I was going which lead me to walk right into someone.
"Oh, I'm so sorry," I said, completely rattled by what I did, "I'm so sorry, I was totally not watching where I was going."
I looked up at who I had bumped into and realized that it was actually a doctor.
A redhead.
She gave me soft smile, "That's okay."
I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out so I quickly changed to an awkward smile.
"Um, is something wrong?" The doctor eyed my wrapped knee and the crutches, "Can I help?"
I now had a good view of the name on the lab coat.
Dr. April Kepner.
"Hello?"
I realized I had been staring and blushed.
"Yes, I uh," I leaned on my good leg so that I could free a hand to scratch behind my ear, "I think there's something wrong with my knee. I mean, obviously, there's something wrong but I mean, something wrong besides what's already wrong."
I wanted to smack myself in the face for what I just blabbered out at the poor doctor.
"Oh okay," Dr. Kepner nodded, "Let's get you in a bed so I can check on your knee."
I followed her to an empty bed and carefully angled my crutches against the side of the bed before heaving myself up.
"Have you had any surgeries recently?" Dr. Kepner asked as she started to unwrap the bandages around my knee. She noticed the cloudy yellow drainage and took a closer look. All the while a nurse was doing things like taking my heart rate, blood pressure, and temperature.
"Um, yes?"
It was supposed to be a statement but it came out as a question.
"Here actually," I went on, trying to solidify the yes. "I think Dr. Torres was the one who did it."
"What happened?" Dr. Kepner started gently prodding around at my knee, making me cringe slightly.
I bit my lip, "I was in a bus accident. It tipped over and I broke my knee cap. Apparently, the bone was sticking out of the skin but I was unconscious so I don't remember much."
"Did you injure anything else?" Dr. Kepner went on with the questions.
"I broke a few ribs," I replied, remembering a little bit of Dr. Karev's long monologue about me when I had woken up from surgery.
"That's all?" Dr. Kepner gave a final prod at my knee.
I smiled sheepishly, "I don't really remember."
"So based on the pain you say you're experiencing, the drainage coming from the incision site and the fever you're currently spiking, I'm thinking you might have an infection from the surgery you had," Dr. Kepner told me.
"Is that really bad?" I asked, wondering if I should be concerned or not.
"There are different levels of how deep the infection is, but there are things we can do," Dr. Kepner replied, "Do you know what kind of surgery you had?"
I tried to remember what Dr. Torres told me, or if she had even told me what it was called at all.
"I don't know," I finally admitted, "But it was something about holding my kneecap together with screws and stuff."
"Okay," Dr. Kepner nodded, "I'm going to page Dr. Torres now and we're going to figure out what to do together. How does that sound?"
I smiled, "Alright."
"Is there anyone I can call?" Dr. Kepner asked. "Any family?"
My stomach dropped at those words. I wondered if I should keep lying but I felt like that wouldn't do any good. It might have gotten me out the first time but eventually, I still had to call my mother and she left me the moment she got me out of the hospital.
So there was no way she was going to do it again for me.
"Um...no," I swallowed hard, "There isn't."
"That's okay, I'm going to page Dr. Torres and we're going to figure out the problem and what to do," Dr. Kepner promised and I nodded before her and the nurse left, leaving me alone.
I looked around the ER, feeling out of place. Like I shouldn't be here. It made me feel like it was a bad idea to come, that it was would have made all those efforts to get out of the hospital redundant for me to be here.
I was this close to getting up and leaving but I saw Dr. Kepner walk back with Dr. Torres which made me stay where I was.
"Back so soon Stella?" Dr. Torres joked as she came closer to the bed I was on.
I laughed awkwardly, "Yeah...I guess so."
"So what's wrong?" Dr. Torres rolled over a stool and took a seat, "Do you mind if I take a look?"
"Go ahead," I motioned towards my wrapped up knee.
Dr. Torres carefully unwrapped the bandages and grimaced slightly when she saw the discharge.
"Yeah, it's definitely infected," She confirmed what Dr. Kepner had thought. "It's a good thing you came in."
"I almost wasn't going to," I mumbled quietly.
"Sorry, what did you say?" Dr. Torres asked, starting to change my dirty bandages.
I shook my head, "Nothing."
"Okay, well, make sure you keep these clean," Dr. Torres held up one of the dirty dressings she took off, "That'll reduce the risk of getting an infection."
I nodded, though I knew I wasn't going to be able to change it and keep it clean on the streets. All I could do was cross my fingers and hope for the best.
"We'll admit you to the Peds unit for tonight and start you on some antibiotics," Dr. Torres told me, "I also want to order a bone biopsy, CBC, CRP and an MRI just to make sure it's only the skin that's infected and it's not the screws and wires we put in causing it."
"Okay..." I let out a breath.
"Dr. Kepner, you can return to your ER, I've got Stella from here," Dr. Torres said to Dr. Kepner.
The redhead gave her a strange look but nodded and gave me a smile before going to check on one of the other patients.
"Come on, let's get you up to the Peds floor," Dr. Torres helped me off the bed and handed me my crutches.
My mind was running with thoughts about what I was going to do if Dr. Robbins asked why my mother couldn't come this time as Dr. Torres led me to the elevator. We got in and it was once the elevator doors shut, she brought up the dreaded question.
"So there's no one you can call?"
Dr. Kepner must have told her.
I wondered if she knew about my mother. If she knew she came last time.
I cleared my throat, "Um...no."
"Who came and discharged you last time?" Dr. Torres asked.
"My mom," I whispered quietly, seeing no point in lying.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Dr. Torres nod slowly. I thought she was going to keep going but she didn't, much to my surprise.
Thankfully, the elevator doors opened to show the Peds floor and Dr. Torres walked out.
"Come on," She beckoned me to follow her and I did.
I followed Dr. Torres all the way to an empty hospital room where she left me. I wasn't sure what to do but just as I was contemplating leaving, Dr. Torres returned with a folded-up hospital gown in her hand.
"Here," She handed it to me, "Change into this and someone will here soon to get those tests run on you and start the antibiotics."
"Okay..." I nodded.
There was silence but Dr. Torres made no move to leave so I wondered if she was waiting for me to say something else. Something maybe about why my mother couldn't come this time but she could last time.
"Thank you," I said instead and offered her a tiny smile.
Dr. Torres smiled back.
"Don't worry about it."