Chapter 2 Dilemma of the Dream

Sleep had fled Merlin. His mother's charge to figure something out to protect and keep his daughter and Morgana from leaving, weighed on his mind. His Mother had such faith in him. He would not let her down She had always been his moral compass. At this time, it was daunting.

His mother's words that "He must love Morgana and she must love him" rocked his brain and his heart.

He had been so busy protecting Arthur, he had never considered ways to save Morgana since he sent her to the Druids. Morgana was his enemy, Arthur's enemy, Gwen's enemy, Gaius' enemy, Camelot's enemy. His mindset had been to protect everyone from her; not to help her.

Their history was so complicated with all Morgana's manipulations, and attacks on Camelot. He found his teeth grinding in frustration. He did not want to put up with Morgana's manipulations or cruelty. Still, when she had been stroking their daughter's cheek, he had noticed something different about her. There had not seemed to be much heat or determination in her statement that she was leaving tomorrow. It was almost as if she wanted to stay

He was glad Hunith put her foot down and insisted Morgana get a good night's sleep. The steel in Hunith's stance seemed to take the wind out of Morgana's sails. He would have to talk to her when she was more recovered and see if they could come up with some ground rules

That would be a trick. Merlin couldn't ever remember Morgana following any rules.

This was also very difficult because he would have to deal with the baggage of bad nurture from Morgause and the Pendragons. He had no trust towards Morgana. He was almost sure she had none towards him. This is what made his task so daunting. Trust took time to build. Time wasn't something he felt he had. He rubbed his hands over his face praying for some kind of solution.

Merlin was thankful Hunith had reminded Morgana of her promise to reveal he was Vivian's father. He would have to ask Hunith what the basis of that promise was later.

Merlin stoked the fire with some wood and a flash of his eyes. The heat saturated his bones as his mind continued to wander to the brief conversation disclosing his paternity to Vivian. Of course he was angry Morgana had not told him sooner. Of course it was her blasted Pendragon pride that prevented her from telling him the truth before. In that aspect she was infuriatingly like Arthur, always hiding their true emotions and manipulating things and everyone around them to do their pleasure. It was a definite sore spot with Merlin.

Merlin looked at Morgana's sleeping form and the bandages and the thought came to him that maybe her time in Sarrum's pit was a bit of Karma. Maybe she had paid for her sins. Maybe because she was here to protect Vivienne and she had told his mother the baby was made with love, there was hope. Those were the keys.

Still, nothing was coming to him to convince Morgana to stay.

Merlin leaned back in his chair soaking in the heat of the fire. He closed his eyes and slept only to dream. His dreams were of Morgana beckoning to him meshed with pleasant warmth from the fire and the knowledge that he was a father. These thoughts shed light on his intense feelings for his offspring.

Vivian was the spitting image of her mother, sans the blue eyes that were his. Merlin was glad Hunith had been taking care of Vivian.

Merlin's lips curled up in a smile the more he thought of his daughter. He had come home often to help Hunith since he met Vivian in Gaius' quarters two years ago. That initial connection he had felt with Vivian had only intensified. Time spent with Vivian had been filled with fun and laughter. Merlin loved Vivian's laugh and found himself doing most anything to hear it as it would fill his heart with joy like nothing else.

He carved some blocks and figurines for her to play with in his spare time. Gwen and Arthur sent clothes along or bought fabric so Hunith could make clothes for Vivian.

When Merlin was home, he would take Vivian riding on his horse through the fields, forests and streams, telling her stories and singing to her. Vivian was an observant child who always listened attentively and sang along quite successfully. When she wasn't listening, she was babbling away in baby speak that didn't always make sense. Merlin would just smile in amusement enjoying her baby ways.

Vivian's magic emerged shortly after she was born. Merlin had been sitting on the floor with Vivian making shapes with his magic using the toys he made for her when Vivian's eyes flashed the same gold color as his and moved one of the toys into place for him.

That revelation made Merlin suspicious of her parentage at the time. He asked Hunith about it but was always given a nebulous answer. Now Merlin knew why Hunith had never given him a clear answer before. Of course Vivian had inherited his magic and possibly Morgana's.

Vivian had changed so much in two years. She was talking and walking almost non-stop when she was awake. Call him prejudiced, but his daughter was nothing short of brilliant and beautiful.

Vivian was his daughter. That thought filled him with renewed determination. Merlin could not let Morgana take Vivian from him. Hunith solidified that resolve in Merlin with more than her words. It was always Hunith's unfailing love that strengthened Merlin physically, spiritually, socially, intellectually and emotionally. It was time for him to do the same for his daughter, for Morgana. He would find a way to remove all objections and obstacles Morgana may have so she would stay with him and not take his child.

Feelings for Morgana started to plague Merlin again. He desired her, burned for her. Morgana had taken a piece of him so long ago that he would never get back. He wished he could remember when Vivian had been conceived. Morgana had said she did not force him. He could well believe that because the game started between them so long ago was now a flame that haunted his dreams. That flame produced Vivian.

It suddenly occurred to Merlin that his magic had been showing Vivian's conception for almost three years. That was why his dreams had been so vivid. He just needed to use his power. After all, he was Emrys, the most powerful warlock to walk the face of the earth.

Merlin settled himself, gathered his magic around him and focused on the time he had been woken up by Morgana splashing water all over him while he was tied to her ceiling in her hovel. His magic was humming through his whole body as the memory of that night unfolded.

Merlin visualized the inside of the hovel, Morgana wore her black dress cleaning his wound as she asked why he was so loyal to Arthur. His mind moved quickly passed Morgana inserting the fomorrah into his neck. The pain wasn't something he wanted to remember.

Merlin dug deeper into his subconscious and heard what the fomorrah and Morgana's magic had blocked before. Morgana had untied him. They had talked a little. He had asked her what she wanted. He had asked her if she loved him. She had admitted for the first time since she had known him, that she loved him as well. He had told her he loved her. Both of them had gotten wrapped up in the passion that followed with the love words being said between them repeatedly. Euphoric feelings of joining with Morgana increased as the truth was revealed by his magic. They had loved each other totally and completely that night. He knew no one would ever hold his heart and attention as Morgana did.

Now he realized his feelings were returned. It validated every fevered dream he had experienced for the last few years. It was a night of passion he could no longer discount as vivid imagination or complete madness as he now understood those dreams had been reality. That thought brought him a measure of peace and confidence he had not experienced since the game between he and Morgana began. The time Merlin had seen Morgana at the waterfall came into a new light. She had been happy. She was singing and caressed her swollen belly because the baby was his. She had been thinking of him just as he had been thinking of her. It was a demonstration of the love Morgana had for him all along.

Gwaine once told Merlin, Morgana watched him with the hungry look of a woman, obsessed and in love. Before this night, Merlin had not allowed himself to believe Gwaine's words to be any kind of truth because of his destiny, because of the seeming cruelty and manipulations. At the time, he had deliberately focused on winning the game Morgana had started between them.

Now, Merlin was seeing it differently. Morgana had been lonely. She had wanted him and she had pursued him the only way she knew how. It had not been ideal. But who was perfect in this? He knew he wasn't. It added to the tender feelings that had grown in small ways over the last two years because Morgana had not caused trouble.

Now that Merlin knew Morgana had been tortured in the Sarrum's pit and seen the wounds, he knew why she had not caused trouble, and his anger boiled at the Sarrum. Revenge like he never felt before, burned in his gut. He wanted to torment and kill those responsible for her suffering. It was something that emerged when he and his mother were treating Morgana's wounds and was now blazing.

On the other side, Merlin's stomach churned at the thought of violence. At his core, Merlin wanted to protect Morgana. She was finally here with him where she belonged. In spite of everything, he wanted her, loved her, burned for her. As he had told her years ago when the game first started, she was his and wanted to be his. Only now, it was no longer a game. It was real. His mother's words that Vivian had been made with love and the revelation from exploring his dreams just now, gave him surety Morgana loved him as well and that gave him hope, something he could hold, something that gave his emotions a more sure footing.

When Morgana entered their home earlier that evening, he thought he sensed that not all her words reflected her true feelings. It was a character trait Morgana shared with Arthur and was a product of the nurture she had received from Uther. But there seemed to be more. Something from her imprisonment had changed her. It was like she almost had humility and a change in priorities that belied the Pendragon nurture. He knew Vivian was at the foundation of that change.

That the Sarrum knew about Vivian and may be coming after her, made Merlin's protective instinct meld with his logic. Like Morgana, he would not let anyone hurt his daughter.

Merlin appreciated Morgana's protective instincts when it came to Vivian. He admired the strength of character it had required for Morgana to survive two years in a pit. He was not surprised Vivian had been helpful to her. Still, Morgana had been alone with no support. She hadn't had Gaius, or Hunith to confide in, ground her, and look after her.

Thinking of Gaius opened a can of worms. Gaius had given Morgana potions to smother her powers and dreams and help her sleep. Gaius never acknowledged her dreams as a gift, or given her a book on magic, or instruction to deal with it. Gaius had labeled her visions as nightmares or madness. He covered her dreams and problems with a proverbial bandage that did nothing to address or dig out the festering poison of fear and ignorance surrounding her magic and seer powers. She had suffered alone, put on a brave face. Merlin had visited enough with Gwen in the past to know Gaius' potions were not always effective.

Merlin had not thought of it at the time because he was so busy running after Arthur, but now, he remembered days when he never saw Morgana. When he did, her eyes had dark circles which accentuated the paleness of her face. Lack of sleep and terror from the nightmares were the cause.

Merlin shivered as he contemplated how things would have been different if; Gaius had given him potions to smother his magic, his mother had not believed in him so unconditionally, he had no knowledge of what was happening as his magic emerged. He would have been terrified. Multiply that fear with being Uther's ward.

Uther was a man who hated magic, started a purge of magic, killed innocent men, women and children just because they had magic. Uther had taught Morgana magic was an evil abomination, something that corrupted the soul. It was a choice people made to learn magic. Those who did choose magic became evil, selfish, dishonest manipulators with no conscience, bent on destruction.

Merlin remembered his first day in Camelot when Thomas Collins had been beheaded for the use of magic. Morgana was at her window. Merlin saw her turn away in sorrow and disgust.

That man on the chopping block could have been Merlin. It was a horrifyingly deep layer of terror. It was beyond fear. No wonder Morgana had been so distraught that night she came looking for validation of the magic she didn't want to possess.

Unfortunately, Morgana had been left alone in all of it. No one believed her. No one had been there to reassure and tell her she had a gift, not even Merlin.

Merlin felt the pain of guilt settle in his heart.

Morgana would not have wanted to implicate Gwen in any way so of course, Morgana had not shared her suspicions about her magic with Gwen. Morgana did not want her maid Gwen to die as her blacksmith father had died. Gwen's father had not had magic and had not planned evil. He had just unwittingly done his blacksmith work for an evil man who used his talents. Uther had executed him for simple association.

Merlin's painful conclusion was that Morgana had been alone. Gaius had denied her. Uther would have destroyed her. Arthur destroyed an entire camp of Druids at Uther's command, after madly assuming Morgana had been kidnapped by this peace loving people.

All Morgana had done was ask for help at Merlin's suggestion. Merlin felt the guilt weigh down on him. Now more than ever, he realized he should have helped her with her magic and revealed his own magic to her when she had initially come to him for help. So much pain and suffering could have been avoided.

The time Morgana spent with the Druids at Merlin's suggestion, had been too fleeting to cement any positive thought she may have on the matter. So it only stood to reason that she would hide her magic. Magic wouldn't have been something she wanted. She hadn't known the nature of it or how to control it. Of course she was frightened.

A conversation with Gaius came to Merlin's memory. Gaius once said he was sure Morgana had the gift of prophecy and was a seer because she had confided her dreams to him and many had come true. Gaius had feared her gift.

Now, this made Merlin wonder why Gaius feared it, why Gaius had warned him away from Morgana in the first place, why he had discouraged him away from helping Morgana with her magic. Even the dragon had warned him away.

Had they wanted her to fail? It was a question that bounced around his brain leaving black marks of doubt. When he was younger he had blindly followed the advice of Gaius and the dragon. Now after seeing the results of their advice, he was questioning everything. He didn't think Gaius' intentions were bad. Merlin was sure Gaius was more motivated by fear... Fear of Uther.

It made him wonder what hold Uther had over Gaius to make him stay and serve. Gaius had mentioned he had only been preserved because he had pledged never to use magic again. Gaius had definitely acted out of fear on multiple occasions. Gaius had also said he had regrets for not helping more people in Camelot.

Still, Gaius had taught Merlin so much, cared for him like a father would care for a son. This was why Merlin didn't, wouldn't, and could not believe Gaius had evil intentions.

The dragon on the other hand was not so pure. Merlin remembered the conversation he had with the dragon after his mother contracted the plague. Merlin had saved Arthur from the questing beast using the cup of life. The dragon said the price would be high. Nimueh told him the price of Arthur's survival would result in the death of another. Merlin had negotiated his own life freely.

However when his mother was struck down with the plague, Merlin discovered the dragon's selfish intent and told the dragon he would never free him.

Being forced to find a way to contain Cornelius Sigan had caused Merlin to break that pie crust promise. Gaius suggested going to the dragon as Merlin had no other resource.

At the time, Merlin had not considered how well Gaius knew the dragon. The situation had been so desperate, he had never really had time to question it.

Now he was curious. What sort of history did Gaius have with the dragon? Why would Gaius ask for the dragon's help? Did the dragon manipulate Gaius who didn't have the luxury of being a Dragonlord as Merlin was? The mystery of it all made Merlin's head spin.

Over the next weeks and months, Merlin would contemplate these questions when he wasn't obsessing over Morgana and his Vivian.

Morgana was not bad when he first met her. Morgana was the one to help him with the Druid boy, accompany him to his village to fight off the bandits after Uther denied Hunith aid. It was Morgana who convinced Arthur to help Merlin destroy the anfanc in Camelot's water supply. That Morgana had not been bad was a concept that made him shiver. Guilt multiplied for not helping Morgana when she had asked him to confirm her magic.

But then, Morgana had done horrible things to him. She had thrown him against a wall, set the room on fire, and tried to kill Uther with Tauren's help.

More bad things happened after Morgause came into her life. Morgana had left him to Morgause and the serkets to die. Camelot was put to sleep while the knights of Medhir attacked with Morgause leading that attack. Morgana had started that seduction game to control him. Morgana had brought the skeleton army to life down in the crypts. Morgana had put the fomorrah in his neck. Morgana had ripped the veil to release the Dorocha that killed so many. Morgana attacked Camelot twice, once with the help of Agravaine., the second time with Helios as her accomplice. Based on those crimes, Morgana wasn't' worth saving.

Merlin sighed in frustration because of some big obstacles. The biggest obstacle stopping Merlin from killing Morgana now was the fact that she was the mother of his child. He loved her. She was his soulmate. Second to that was his guilt for not helping Morgana with her magic and revealing his own. He had been too afraid because of the warnings given by Gaius and the dragon. He was haunted by guilt. This situation could have been avoided if he had not been such a coward.

Morgana had been the victim of her fear. Tauren, Agravaine, Morgause, and Alvaar, had wanted to destroy Uther. They had appealed to Morgana's fears and provided bad, destructive solutions.

Morgana in her desperation, fear, and anxiety, had not seen them as bad. They justified their actions in her mind by classifying it a way to deal with her own magic, to free it, to free the people who had magic, to stop Uther in his madness, to stop the blood shed. Morgana probably justified killing or manipulating others for these reasons.

Those that had been hurt were collateral damage. Morgana's little bit could never come close to equaling the multitude of horrendous, cold blooded killings Uther had done. Merlin was sure callousness and hate developed.

The problem was, hate didn't destroy hate. Hate propagated more hate and more violence.

Merlin had not loved Uther. Merlin had spared Uther because Gaius had told him Arthur was not ready to rule and needed time to change and grow into being a king and because of Gwen who had told him if he did kill Uther, he was no better than Uther. Murder was a last resort.

Merlin was not that innocent, naive boy that had walked into Camelot all those years ago. He had blood on his hands. He had killed Sophia, her father, the Sidhe King, Edwin, Nimueh and Agravaine. Sure it had all been in self-defense. Hadn't it? He had been protecting Camelot. He had been protecting Arthur. Arthur was his destiny. Right?

Morgana had been acting in self defense. She had been fighting for her people. She had been fighting to free magic. Just like him, she had gotten bad advice. The thought crushed his self-righteous condemnation of Morgana. Thoughts of his own misdeeds created more empathy for Morgana.

It was the empathy that helped him know he wasn't about to leave Morgana or Vivian alone with the threat of being hunted by the Sarrum hanging over them. He had to think of some way to protect them. As he started to meditate on the possibilities, a plan formed in his mind.

Merlin telepathically contacted Kilgarah to keep a look out for the Sarrum. If the Sarrum was a determining factor for Morgana staying or leaving, he knew he and the dragon could take care of that problem.

Merlin hated killing, but his new found knowledge, that he was a father ramped up his protective factor a hundred times what it had been the first time he had seen Vivian in Camelot.

Merlin now understood the pull he had towards Vivian. It was because he was her father.

He had been raised without a father, Merlin was not about to let his own child suffer the same fate of not having a father.

Merlin had dozed off exhausted by his thoughts. He was so tired trying to figure something out and simultaneously keep his emotions under control. The Lord must have heard him and sent him a dream.

The dream was of his daughter and Morgana. He saw an older version of himself smiling sitting in a flower covered field by a lake. His and Morgana's children and several knights where playing with Arthur and Gwen's children as they all looked on with pure enjoyment. He wasn't sure how he knew to whom the children belonged.

An older Merlin was looking fondly at a dark haired boy in his lap tickling his tummy. He knew it was his son. He knew Morgana was the mother.

An older Morgana, with another child in her belly, looked at him with unadulterated love before leaning over to kiss him passionately. The happy sounds and looks filled his heart with joy and a longing to make it so. He thought he would be alone his whole life. However This dream gave him hope.

Merlin fell asleep with more peace in his heart. There was also curiosity as to how, in a million years, this would ever take place.