Author's Note: Hey guys! You know how a few stories back I mentioned that a lot of my ideas for fics come from songs? Well, here is another one! I was listening to "Lost in Paradise" by Evanescence (the Synthesis version, in case you were wondering) and I just had this stark image of poor, sweet Aqua in the Realm of Darkness trying to manage her feelings. I literally almost started to cry! Aqua is a character that I resonate so deeply with, and I can't imagine how she must have felt in the Realm of Darkness for OVER A DECADE.
Also, on a more personal note...I struggle with Seasonal Depression. It's getting into the really cold months where I'm at, and it gets dark pretty early. Lately I've been having some big wrestles with depression (but don't worry! I'm seeing a counselor and taking medication, so I'll be alright. It'll pass, ya know?) and I felt that this was a good, healthy and creative way to get some of those feelings out. We all feel this way sometimes, and it's honestly really hard. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But know that you have people who really do love, care about, and support you so much. Like Aqua, sometimes you can't see them...but you know they're there. So this is dedicated to those who have had it a bit rough lately. I hope you enjoy this Aqua-centered piece!
Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts.
It's the quiet nights that break me.
Not that the Realm of Darkness is noisy. It's probably the most quiet place I've ever been to, except for when Heartless are around. When they show up there's the clashing of weapons, grunts of exertion, and the breath of relief as I am once again victorious. And then it goes back to silence, and I continue to walk.
But it's not the type of silence that is soothing. It doesn't bring peace that lulls a baby to sleep. It isn't comforting, like the times I would sit by my bedroom window and look up at the stars in the dead of night. It doesn't help clear one's mind. It doesn't help you feel relaxed. No, this is the silence that keeps you on your toes constantly. That sends chills up and down your body even though you're not cold. That crushes your deaf ears with its weight. The kind that, if you're not careful, can wrap its fingers around your throat until you can't breathe. The kind that squeezes your heart so hard you wonder how you're still alive.
The kind that, if you're not careful, can revive your old ghosts.
You're weak, they whisper in my ear, as gentle as a mother soothing a child. You're not strong enough. You're not good enough.
It was easy to shrug them off in the beginning. I'd just shoo them away like I would a fly. But the more time went on, the deeper I went into this Realm, the louder they became. I was never one to believe in ghosts, but being here as long as I have changed my mind.
How long has it been, even? How long has it been since I've heard another person's voice, felt the warmth of a hug, saw the light of the sun? The fact that I'm asking these questions in the first place scares me.
You'll never get out of here. You're weak. Your friends are long gone. You can't be trusted to help them anymore.
These ghosts are gaining on me. And I don't know how much longer I can last.
I'm just so tired.
The thought of being tired, of being lost in sleep, brings me to a stop. Before I know it I'm kneeling on the hard ground. It feels too good to sit here, on this desolate path with no end in sight. I stare into the nothingness in front of me. Nothing but pitch, endless, black. An eternal night sky, completely void of any stars. Closing my eyes to it wouldn't make any difference. Nothing but silence falling on my ears. It is a slow, painful torture to be here. To exist here.
I reach into my pocket and gently pull out the charm I made. It's royal blue light flickers, even in this darkness. I trace the smooth outlines and grooves with my fingers, and I can't help but smile a little. It's a weird sensation; the muscles in my face feel stiff. How long has it been since I smiled, even a little?
Their faces flash across my mind. Ven, and Terra. Of course, they're always on my mind. The worry for Terra in particular is eating me from the inside out. I know Ven is safe; no one will ever find him. But the thought of him being asleep for so long, without me there to wake him up, is enough to bring tears to my eyes.
A Wayfinder. A compass in the dark. An unbreakable connection. At least, that's what I told Terra and Ven. Looking at it now, I feel a bit like a hypocrite for saying so. Ven is asleep and will remain asleep for heaven knows how long. Terra's heart is lost to Darkness. And here I am, sitting in the middle of nowhere, wondering where I went wrong.
You're weak. You'll never get out of here. You're not strong enough.
As much as I'd like what happened to us not to exist, it still does. And as much as I'd like to feel like I'm not scared, like I'm not about to unravel at any second, I am.
I made so many promises to them before we left. That we'd be friends forever. That nothing would come between us. That we would be okay, no matter who passed the Mark of Mastery Exam. That we would celebrate whoever passed. No hard feelings between us.
I made promises to myself, too. How I would always protect Ven, the little brother I've never had. Ven, who's smile is like the sun and his cheerfulness a breath of fresh air. Ven, who is funny and genuine. Ven, who is so kind and pure hearted that it shows me where I can improve.
And Terra...how I would always protect him, too. From his stubbornness. His pride. Terra, who's arms are as warm and comforting as the earth. Terra, who is strong and stable and the reason for the smile in my eyes. Terra, of whom I had never planned to tell my true feelings to...and now it's too late.
All of these promises I made, just to let them down.
They believed in you.
A single drop of rain falls on a Wayfinder petal. Soon it's another drop of rain, then another. Rain is falling from my eyes, dribbling down my chin and onto the ground. I can't stop the cry that escapes my mouth. In some distant corner of my mind, I hear myself, and I sound like some sort of wounded animal. It only brings more tears. Tears for Terra, who I tried so hard to save. Tears for Ven, who shouldn't have been roped into any of this mess. Tears for my Master, whom I will probably never see again. Tears for myself, that I'm here, that I'm the one who survived all of this when someone else probably could've saved everyone.
The ghosts are right. They believed in me. And look at me now:
Cold. Terrified. Alone. Lost. Broken.
I have nothing left. Nothing but these feelings under my skin, the ghosts relentlessly tailing me. The shadows of my friends won't let me go.
What would they say to me, if they saw me now?
I can almost hear Ven's panicked voice: "Aqua, what happened?" and feel his skinny arms wrap around me. Terra would ask the same. I can see the concern in his eyes as clearly as if he were standing right in front of me.
"I'm sorry, guys," I whisper into the void around me. "I failed you. Both of you."
A distant memory suddenly slides into focus. Master Eraqus, talking to a much younger me. I was crying out of pure frustration for not being able to summon a Keyblade.
"I failed," I had wailed to him.
Master Eraqus bent down to my height, brushed the hair out of my eyes, and simply said, in his infinite wisdom. "Aqua, you have not failed until you have stopped trying."
Terra's deep, soft voice and Ven's light, airy voice break the silence: "Aqua, don't stop trying."
"I won't." I say quietly to the void. And somehow, deep down, I know that is true. Truer than anything I have ever felt beforehand.
Even though I know they're not actually here with me, I can feel their arms holding me up. Even though I can't see them, I have the memory of Ven's bright smile. Of Terra's booming laugh. The memory of their ability to make me laugh at any given moment. And I have a tiny beam of light inside of my heart, one that carries the hope and faith that I will get out of here. I will not stop until I do.
So I will continue to walk. And fight. And live, even if it seems like a cursed life.
It's the quiet nights that break me. But sometimes, even the most silent of nights can give you the most important clarity.