Chapter 11
Surprises during the Sorting

"Granger, Hermione," Professor McGonagall called out.

Harry squeezed Hermione's hand, then watched her run to the stool. Unsorted Su Li called out, "Good luck, Hermione!"

Hermione did not wait for Professor McGonagall to place the Hat on the girl's head with dignity; instead, Hermione grabbed the Hat off the stool and jammed the Hat on her head, even as she sat down on the stool.

Fifteen seconds after the Sorting Hat went on Hermione's head, the Hat yelled out, "RAVENCLAW!"

At the moment, Harry was surrounded by between twenty and thirty unsorted firsties, who now looked at him for a cue how to react.

"Whoo-hoo for Hermione!" Harry yelled, as he clapped enthusiastically. "Perfect choice!"

The unsorted firsties, with one ginger-haired exception who was shunned by the group, all smiled and clapped along with Harry. Hermione, her robes now blue and bronze, curtsied to Harry and the other unsorted firsties, before she walked towards the Ravenclaw table.

Interestingly, just before Hermione took her seat on a Ravenclaw bench, Justin Finch-Fletchley stood up at the Hufflepuff table and bowed to her; and Hannah Abbott, Susan Bones, Millicent Bulstrode and Tracey Davis all stood up at the Hufflepuff and Slytherin tables and curtsied to Hermione. (Hermione, of course, curtsied back.)

As six first-year students bowed and curtsied to each other in the midst of the Sorting, Albus had to work not to show a scowl.

In most years, the unsorted first-years formed themselves into two lines—boys in one line, girls in the other. But occasionally the unsorted first-years formed a clump—and always at the centre of the clump was a charismatic student. This had happened two years ago, and the charismatic student had turned out to be Cedric Diggory—so even before Cedric put the Sorting Hat on his head, he showed Dumbledore that he was a natural leader.

Now, the evidence of Albus's own eyes told him that this Muggle-born girl, Hermione Granger, either had charisma or was closely connected to someone who had charisma. Dumbledore dismissed the second possibility immediately—if this Granger girl had had a wizarding-world relative, Minerva would have mentioned it.

Which meant that now Dumbledore was looking at a charismatic Muggle-born. Horrors! Such a student would be a disaster for the Greater Good! She would push for changes, and get those changes, far sooner than Dumbledore felt to be wise. (Any and all major changes that happened during Dumbledore's lifetime were too soon to be wise, he felt.)

The Greater Good demanded that this girl's charisma be blunted, and that her optimism for the future be reduced.

Fortunately, the House of Slytherin had many people who were eager to explain the cold realities of Wizarding Britain to a Muggle-born eleven-year-old girl. And all Albus needed to do was to stand aside and to let events play out.

On the other hand, if Albus were to "rescue" the poor bullied girl, then were to ask her to use her charisma to mould Harry Potter for his own good, the girl could be quite useful.

As Albus watched Cyrus Greengrass's daughter be Sorted, he wondered why Ronald Weasley was outside the clump of unsorted first-years. Looking more closely at the clump, Albus noted in confusion that the eleven-year-olds in the clump still were attentive and energised; always before, after the charismatic student was Sorted, the clump as a whole lost interest in the Sorting.

As minutes passed, and the clump lost children, Albus kept looking for the boy with messy black hair, bright-green eyes, glasses, and the famous lightning-bolt scar. Albus did not see him, yet Severus had assured Albus that Harry Potter would board the Hogwarts Express. Albus was puzzled.

Albus was even more confused when, ten minutes after Granger's name had been called, Minerva called out "Potter, Harry!"—but Harry Potter did not step away from the clump.

Instead, a boy who was obviously a relative of Draco Malfoy's walked towards the stool: this boy had black hair, which was combed back in a pompadour to expose an unmarked forehead; and this boy wore no glasses.

Judging by the smiles, waves and words of encouragement by the children left behind in the clump, this boy, not Miss Granger, was the charismatic child who held the clump together.

The older children, second- through seventh-years, were murmuring in confusion, "Where is Harry Potter? That can't be him, right?"

"Who is that?" little Filius Flitwick asked. "Did Harry Potter hire a substitute for his Sorting?"

Albus looked over at Severus—who was looking back at him, and smiling. That smile said, You think you're more clever than everyone else? You never even considered the possibility that Harry Potter would look different from those worthless books, did you?

Then a childish voice from amongst the Ravenclaw first-years called out, "Good luck, Harry!"

The returned Great Hall students gasped, then exploded into hundreds of conversations at once.

It was Miss Granger who had spoken, and the pompadoured boy bowed to her. Then the pompadoured boy turned to face Albus head on.

Albus knew Harry Potter was short and skinny; this boy was neither. But the boy looked at the headmaster with Lily Potter's green eyes and with James Potter's most frightening smile.

James sometimes had worn a particular smile when running a time-delay prank. That smile always had meant Everything seems quiet and peaceful now, but things won't stay quiet and peaceful for long.

The boy then spoke loudly (without benefit of a Sonorus): "Remember, headmaster, you accepted me here."

With those words, the boy picked up the Sorting Hat, turned his back on Albus, and sat down on the stool.

Five seconds later, the Sorting Hat yelled in shock, "MERLIN!"

The Sorting Hat had barely started reading Harry's memories when the Hat blurted out, "MERLIN!"

Then the Hat said in Harry's mind, "You're from the future? And dead?"

"Correction: I was dead. I'm much healthier now. I've cut back on high-cholesterol foods, sweets and green spells."

Then Harry's mind-voice turned serious: "I wasn't dead for long, but I ask you to read those memories of when I was dead—especially my memories of the end of the planning session."

"Sure, I'll read them now," the Hat said.

Seven walking, talking dead people were in the conference room next to Gerhardus's office: the four Hogwarts founders, both of Harry's parents, and Harry (who was leading the planning session).

The planning session was wrapping up when Godric and Rowena looked at each other and nodded. Then all four founders walked away from the round table, to confer in a corner of the room. Nobody was becoming angry about whatever the others were saying, so the four voices were quiet; thus Harry had no clue what the founders were talking about.

Then the founders walked back to the table. They stood side by side as they all faced Harry. Four voices said at the same time, "Harry James Potter, tell the Spirit of Hogwarts that the Founding Four declare you to be our Designated Secret Substitute."

Then Godric smiled reassuringly at Harry. "It's a way to bypass the headmaster's stupidity and to save the lives of your fellow students. The Sorting Hat will explain things to you."

Now Harry mind-spoke to the Hat. "So explain. Let me see if my guess is correct."

"The Designated Secret Substitute was an emergency plan that the Founders never expected to use. If the day came when the headmaster was causing harm to the school, and the deputy headmaster was unable or unwilling to stop or to blunt the headmaster's misdeeds, then the founders reserved the right to give someone at the school the authority to override the headmaster's wishes—to act in place of the founders. But know that the founders expected to give this authority, if the need arose, to a professor, not to a time-travelled student."

"What can I say? I'm always full of surprises. How much authority are we talking about?"

"Anything from canceling the awarding or docking of house points, on up to sacking the headmaster and deputy headmaster both."

Harry choked. "Blimey. So yeah, I have authority."

"You could rework the castle wards, if you wished, to keep out left-handed people."

"I think if the Hogwarts wards were reworked to keep out anyone, I'd faint in shock. Voldemort, his Death Eater minions and illegal animagi all could stroll into the castle whenever they wished, during the last seven years of my memory."

The Hat said, "Anyway, once you tell the Spirit of Hogwarts your commands, whatever you command will happen within the castle."

Harry said, "I've one last thing to say about the Spirit of Hogwarts for now. By the contract I signed with Thanatos, I'm forbidden to tell the Spirit of Hogwarts that I'm from the future and what my mission is; but now that you've mind-read the information out of my brain, nothing stops you from telling the Spirit of Hogwarts these things."

The Sorting Hat laughed in Harry's head. "Aren't you cunning! I promise to tell the Spirit of Hogwarts everything that I learnt about you today. My 'Don't tell anyone a thing!' rule applies only to the headmaster and other living beings, not to the Spirit of Hogwarts."

Harry mind-said, "Since I've been given the responsibility to secretly run Hogwarts, I need to plan out how to do so. In the meantime, may I make some suggestions about this Sorting? Not my Sorting, other people's Sorting."

"Do you realise that we're well on our way to an epic hatstall?" Silence from Harry. The Hat said, "Fine, you want to make suggestions? Like the headmaster's 'suggestion' that I put you in Gryffindor?"

"Yes, like that. Since I've come from seven years in the future, I strongly urge you to put Zacharias Smith and Ronald Weasley this year, and Ginevra Weasley next year, all in Slytherin."

Then Harry was compelled to involuntarily remember every interaction he ever had had with Ron, Ginny and Zacharias Smith.

"Done!" the Hat said. "Ron Weasley truly is a loathsome wizard, isn't he? It should be fun putting him in the same dorm as Draco Malfoy for the next seven years."

"Hopefully Draco will reform. I have no such hope for Bilious."

"Now to decide, where to send you. Share your thoughts."

"You're not going to use whatever rules that the founders gave you, plus a thousand years of experience, to decide by yourself where to put me?"

The Sorting Hat laughed in Harry's head. "All the normal rules for Sorting go out the window when a time-traveller shows up."

"Which means what for me, exactly?"

"Which means, where do you want to go?"

"Didn't you mention that Twinkle-Eyes wants me in Gryffindor? Let's make him cry. But mainly I have to consider Hermione."

Two seconds later, the Sorting Hat yelled, "RAVENCLAW!"

From the Head Table, Harry heard the headmaster yell, "WHAT?"

The Weasley Twins said mournfully, "We lost Potter?"

Harry walked over to the Gryffindor table, to shake hands with Neville and to slap him on the back. Then Harry headed for Hermione.

Before Harry sat down on the Ravenclaw bench, Hermione jumped up and gave him a long and strong Hermy-hug in front of the entire Great Hall.

Two minutes later, Zacharias Smith, a Hufflepuff in Harry's previous lifetime, was Sorted into Slytherin. Smith did not take it well.

But then, Zacharias Smith had not taken anything well in the seven years that Harry had known him.

Two minutes later

Professor McGonagall called out, "Weasley, Ronald."

Even from so far away, Harry could tell that Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling.

As soon as the Hat went on Ron's head, the Hat scoffed, "You, be Sorted into Ravenclaw, Mr Weasley? I'd sooner Sort Rita Skeeter into Hufflepuff! No, for you, better be SLYTHERIN!"

"We don't want him!" Draco yelled.

From the Gryffindor table, Harry heard, "Bloody hell! Mum will—"

"—go spare!"

Ron yanked the Hat off his head and threw it on the floor, even as his robes turned to green and silver. "I want a Re-Sort!"

Dumbledore stood up and, eyes twinkling, said, "I agree, Hat. Surely you can allow Mr Weasley another turn."

The Hat said, "I remind you of the founders' rule, headmaster: Re-Sorts happen only when I say, for whom I say, and both decisions are mine, not yours. There will be no re-Sorting of this boy."

Snape stood up and said, "Mr Weasley! You have fifteen seconds to walk over and to sit down at the Slytherin table"—Snape helpfully pointed it out—"or you will serve detention with me tomorrow night, during dinner!"

Harry saw that Ron's ears were red the entire time, and he was scowling, but he hurried to sit amongst Draco, Pansy, Crabbe and Goyle, Theodore, Daphne, Millicent and Tracey—

—who all directed Ron, with slaps and punches, to sit at the very end of the table. Not much food was within reach there.

When Blaise Zabini was Sorted into Slytherin, Harry watched as Draco, Pansy and Daphne organised a place for Blaise to sit amongst them; but Ron still was forced to sit at the end of the Slytherin table.

Seconds later

Millicent Bulstrode was loading up her plate when Sam Flint, a third-year Slytherin, looked down the Slytherin table. He said, "So, firsties, some of you must have met the mysterious Harry Potter. What's he like?"

Bilious said (from the end of the table), "Potter's an attention-seeking git."

"Be silent, Weasley," said Pansy. "Nobody wants to hear from you."

Millicent said, "There's one thing you should know about 'Bilious' here. When we were getting in the boats, Bilious wanted so much to sit with Heir Potter that he tried to order me out of the boat, so he could sit with Heir Potter. This, after Heir Potter invited me to sit with his friends. I'll bet Bilious got on the train carrying his big autograph book and his special autograph quill, hm?"

Weasley's ears were red. He was scowling.

"Who's Bilious?" asked someone wearing green.

Millicent answered, "It's what Heir Potter called Weasley."

Sam Flint asked Weasley, "Why does he call you 'Bilious'?"

Bilious ate and glared, instead of answering.

A third-year Slytherin girl asked Millicent, "When Potter invited you into his boat, did you think he fancied you?"

"No way," Millicent replied. "He's friends with a Muggle-born girl, Hermione Granger, and those two are close."

"Wait," a boy said, "Potter is the last of his line, and the Heir to an Ancient and Noble House, and he's close friends with a mudblood?"

"He is. You see my cousin Daphne over there, with the face like a goddess? She offered to share our compartment with him during the trainride, and Heir Potter turned Daphne down—he said he and Granger would find their own compartment."

Blaise Zabini said, "To Heir Potter, Granger isn't just any Muggle-born—Potter hates the other term, by the way. On the train, Heir Potter made a bet about Granger's smarts. Draco, do you want to tell everyone about the bet?"

Bilious said, "If she's a mudblood, she can't have any smarts."

Draco said, "Shut up, Bilious," without even looking in Weasley's direction. To the rest of the Slytherin table, Draco said, "Heir Potter bet Pansy and me each a hundred galleons that at the end of the year, Granger would have higher marks overall than we would."

"Impossible!" Flint declared. "She's a mudblood!"

"Impossible?" Draco made the rocking-hand gesture. "Before I boarded the train, I would've agreed with you. But Heir Potter reminded me that his mother was Muggle-born, then he told me that seventh year, his Muggle-born mother was Head Girl."

Millicent heard gasps.

Draco said, "But this isn't the part that knocked me flat."

"Don't keep us waiting, Malfoy," Daphne growled.

Draco said reluctantly, "Heir Potter believes that it wasn't he who killed the Dark Lord, it was his Muggle-born mother."

Up the Slytherin table, Millicent heard gasps, and mutterings of disbelief.

Draco continued, "By the way, I made a friendship-pact with Heir Potter. As part of this, I only say Muggle-born now, not the other word."

A second-year Slytherin boy asked, "Why do you firsties keep calling him 'Heir Potter'? You firsties don't call Mr Malfoy 'Heir Malfoy.' "

Millicent said, "Because Heir Potter went from the front of the train to the back, and introduced himself and Miss Granger to every other first-year. Before the Sorting, he was relaxed, and he tried to relax the rest of us when we were nervous. I use the respectful title because, even though he's only eleven like the rest of us, he seems to know what he's doing."

All the other Slytherin firsties nodded, except for Bilious.

A minute later

Harry and Hermione were eating at the Ravenclaw table, and were learning more about their new Housemates. Harry saw Sam Flint (third-year Slytherin) and Millicent Bulstrode stand up and walk to where the Ravenclaw firsties were eating.

Whilst Flint stared at Hermione like she were a three-headed dog, Harry said, "Good evening, Millicent! I hope things are going well with you. Are you liking Slytherin?"

The big girl grinned. "I am, Heir Potter! It's a good fit for me. And it sounds like Professor Snape, our Head of House, fights for us."

Harry nodded. "Professor Snape is a good man."

Up the table, some Ravenclaw dropped his/her fork. Someone else at the Ravenclaw table spit out the mouthful of pumpkin juice he/she just had sipped.

"He is definitely a good man," Hermione agreed. "Professor Snape has helped Harry a lot."

A second-year Ravenclaw, looking confused, stammered, "But Potter isn't in Slytherin."

Meanwhile, Flint looked at Millicent and cleared his throat. Millicent said to Harry, 'This is Sam Flint, in third year. He and some others at the Slytherin table were wondering why you call Ron Weasley 'Bilious.' "

Harry replied, "Because first of all, it's his name: Ronald Bilius Weasley, B-I-L-I-U-S."

Flint looked sceptical.

Harry said, "Mr Flint, after you finish with me, go ask the Weasley Twins, since they're third-years too."

"I believe you, Heir Potter," Millicent said.

Harry said, "The second reason I call him 'Bilious' is that the dictionary definition of bilious is—any other Ravenclaw want to take this? Hermione already knows the definition."

Terry Boot said, "Having a peevish, ill-natured disposition; or sickeningly unpleasant."

Harry smiled at Boot, then looked at the Slytherins. "This describes Weasley perfectly, I think. After the few times I had to deal with him during and after the train, all I could think of was 'How do I put a hundred miles between me and this git?' "

"Okay, Heir Potter, thank you," Millicent said.

The two Slytherins walked over to the Gryffindor table and spoke briefly with clearly unhappy ginger-haired twins, as another ginger-haired boy acted pompously. Then the two Slytherins returned to their table.

(From this hour forwards, for the rest of Harry's second seven years at Hogwarts, only professors called Ron "Mr Weasley," and only his family called him "Ron." All students outside the Weasley family, regardless of House, regardless of year, called Ron "Bilious.")

A half-hour later

"...And finally," the headmaster said to the full-stomached students, "I must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a most painful death."

Fortunately, Harry thought sarcastically, students are safe from all this death and pain, protected by first-year spells.

Dumbledore continued cheerfully, "And now before we go to bed, let us all sing the school song!"

Three minutes later, only the Weasley Twins still were singing the school song; they had set it to a funeral dirge.

At the Head Table, Snape stood up and removed a folded parchment from his pocket. He unfolded the parchment. "If I may, headmaster, I wish to say something to all of the students. It will take two minutes."

The twins stopped singing. Dumbledore looked surprised and confused, and almost all of the other professors looked surprised and confused as well—only Professor Flitwick seemed unsurprised.

Dumbledore smiled at Snape. "Please."

Snape looked across the room and into Harry's eyes, before turning his gaze to the parchment in his hands—

"In the past, I have been a nightmarish teacher: showing blatant favouritism towards students of my House, and in many ways showing disfavour to students of other Houses. It was shown to me this summer that a close friend of mine, now dead, would be angry with me if she saw my disgraceful teaching."

Harry caught McGonagall looking at him.

Snape continued, "You students deserve better than how I have treated you, and to all of you students who are second-year and older, I humbly apologise to you for my conduct in Potions class."

The entire Great Hall was silent. Professors and students both—all looked gobsmacked.

Snape continued, "Potions is a dangerous class for accidents. Potions accidents can hurt you or another student, or can kill you. The three main causes of Potions accidents are One, being a dunderhead who fails to follow the instructions on the board; Two, tomfoolery whilst brewing a potion; and Three, sabotaging another student's potion. Up till now, I have been remiss when punishing Slytherin students who sabotage potions of students in another House, but tonight I tell you that such favouritism ends now. Anyone who sabotages another student's potion in Potions class will be sent to talk to the headmaster, with me recommending suspension, regardless of House."

All the Slytherins looked angry, whilst three Houses, and all the other professors, applauded. Harry and Hermione exchanged surprised looks.

Dumbledore looked annoyed.

Then Snape dropped another bombshell: "I intend to continue teaching upper-years Potions classes and to continue as Slytherin Head of House, but I now resign as Potions professor for first through fourth years. I—"

Snape could no longer be heard over the cheering and clapping. Dumbledore had to fire a cannon charm in an attempt to silence the room. But silence came slowly.

"Poor man," Hermione said. "The entire room is cheering him quitting half his job."

A Ravenclaw second-year snapped, "You haven't had Potions with Mr 'The instructions are on the board' yet, or you'd cheer too."

Snape stood there, neither his expression nor his posture changing, whilst he waited for the noise to die down. At last he said, "I have already contacted Healer Andromeda Black Tonks about teaching lower-years Potions. She is qualified and she is willing, if the position is offered to her."

Now Dumbledore was scowling. This was a surprise to Harry—the "kindly grandfather" never wore any expression but a smile.

The entire time that Harry was in the Great Hall, whenever he looked over at the High Table, he discovered Quirinus Quirrell looking back at him. Harry ignored Quirrell. Harry had plans for Quirrell—and Quirrell's red-eyed stowaway—but not tonight.

In Harry's expensive magical trunk, he had packed his seventeen pages of notes and plans, his Haroldus Cyrus Potter wand and his Invisibility Cloak, all under Parseltongue Notice-Me-Not charms. In short, Harry had the plans, and Harry had the means, for dealing with Quirrellmort.

After dismissal from the Great Hall

Gryffindor and Slytherin, two Houses otherwise quite different, used the same trick to get into their respective common rooms: a password. Ravenclaw was different. Harry and Hermione, along with the other Ravenclaw firsties, were shown that to enter the Ravenclaw common room, they had to answer a riddle that was asked by the eagle door-knocker. (The door had no doorknob, door lever or keyhole, so there was no "Plan B" if someone did not try to answer the riddle.) If someone could not answer the riddle, he or she had to wait for someone to come along who could answer the riddle.

This week's riddle: "What gets wet as it dries?" The riddle answer: "A towel."

Whilst Harry and Hermione were in the Ravenclaw common room, being addressed by Filius Flitwick, Severus Snape was speaking to seven years' worth of Snakes in the Slytherin common room.

Most of what he said was no surprise. But two things were definitely a surprise—

"Whatever problems that you have with Weasley, and whatever problems that Weasley has with you, they stay here in Slytherin House. Once you walk out of our common room, all Slytherins present a united front. This is Rule One."

(Pansy glared at Ron and said lowly, "But we're still calling you 'Bilious.' ")

The other surprising thing that Snape said in the Slytherin common room? "Harry Potter is not in Slytherin, but do not mistreat him, or you will anger me. His Muggle-born friend is off-limits too."

Hearing this, Ron scowled and his ears turned red.