Chapter 17
Myrtle Meets Cho

Still Thursday, 19th September, evening
Still Number 12, Grimmauld Place

As Remus stepped through the front door and into Sirius's townhouse, his nostrils flared when he smelled a woman's perfume in the air.

"I've a lady friend in the kitchen," Sirius said. "I want you to meet her, after you and I get straightened out."

Remus followed Sirius to the kitchen. But Sirius, rather than walking into the kitchen, took one step into the kitchen, called out, "Heather, Remus is here. I'll be back in a few minutes," then Sirius grabbed Remus by the arm and frog-marched him into the library.

In the Grimmauld Place library

Sirius glared at Remus and yelled, "All right, Moony, explain something to me. In the last ten years, you never once visited Harry. Not. One. Bloody. Time. I was in Azkaban during all that time, but what's your excuse?"

"How could I visit Harry? I had no idea where he was!"

"Moony, you were the smart one, so don't give me that. You walk up to someone who knows where Harry is, then you ask them, 'Where's Harry?' The only thing left is figuring out the Apparition coordinates, or the Floo address."

Remus laughed bitterly. "Ask somebody 'Where's Harry?' and he tells you—I wish it had been that easy! I asked Dumbledore, but he wouldn't tell me. Likewise, the goblins refused to tell me. And Wizard Child Services didn't know!"

"Oh, c'mon. Harry is a magical child orphan—the most famous magical child orphan in Wizarding Britain. How could they not know?"

"All I can tell you is that every time I've gone there in person, I've been told, 'Harry Potter's folder is still being processed.' I last went there a year ago, when he was ten, and I still heard, 'Blah-blah, Harry Potter's folder is still being processed.' I think somebody over there needs to go to Saint Mungo's for an OPCC&I scan."

Not waiting for Sirius to comment, Remus continued, "So then I tried the places where Harry might be: Longbottom Manor, Bones Manor, the Tonkses. Zero for three. Harry not only wasn't at any of those places, but your cousin Andromeda was as anxious to find Harry as I was. Unlike me, when Dumbledore told her, 'I know where Harry is, but I'm not telling you,' she went spare about it."

Sirius snarled. "Of course she got angry! Dumbles is playing his little secretive games, the tosser, and she, unlike you, sees the true arsehole, not the legend."

"How can you say such a thing about Dumbledore? He's a great man!"

"Yeah, right. A 'great man' who could have called for my trial at any time, but never did. A 'great man' who knew I was innocent, but never lifted a finger to help me. Bugger him, sod him, fuck him."

"I was a werewolf child, and he let me come to Hogwarts. You know how this world treats werewolves."

"I do, and I discovered something interesting when I checked: No werewolf child has attended Hogwarts after you. So the Great Bearded One hasn't exactly been generous, has he? Anyway, you're telling me that you, with freedom of movement and ten years to look, never found Harry."

"Merlin, Sirius, I talked to everyone whom James ever mentioned being related to. I even made an appointment to speak to Narcissa Malfoy, because she's a socialite and maybe she heard something."

"Oh? What did Cissy say?"

"She claimed she hadn't heard a whisper. Well, no, she'd heard a rumour that Forest Elves had taken baby Harry and were raising him in Normandy."

Sirius crossed his arms. "And after you tracked down all of James' relatives, did it never occur to you to check out Lily's family?"

"Don't treat me like a bloody moron! I checked, but both Rupert Evans and Helena Evans were dead. I didn't recall any other names of Lily's family except for her sister Petunia."

Sirius's stare was intense. "So did you track down Petunia, and ask her if she had Harry?"

"Of course not. From what Lily said, Petunia was just this close to bringing back witch-burnings."

Sirius sighed. "Your hero, Five-Names Dumbledore, skipped all of James' relatives, skipped the Forest Elves in Normandy, and left baby Harry with Petunia. Petunia and her fat and angry husband and her fat and bullying son. No matter what you imagine Harry's life being like, his actual life was worse."

"Shit."

"Anyway, now that I'm a free man—thanks to a letter that Harry wrote; the whiskered wanker never got off his bum—and now that I have the guardianship of Harry that I should have had—despite Dumbles calling me crazy during the guardianship hearing—my goal now is to give Harry a magical education."

"Well, that should be easy. He'll get a good education at Hogwarts."

Sirius shook his head. "Not with Dumbledore being secretive and playing mind-games. Not with Dumbledore basically trying to own Harry. Remus, I'll yank Harry out of Hogwarts in a second if the bearded fool looks at Harry cross-eyed. The time might come, Remus, when you'll need to choose where your loyalty lies: to the whiskered wanker or to Prongslet. You think about that. Now, I want you to meet Heather."

Just before the two wizards entered the kitchen, Sirius stopped Remus with a hand on his chest. "In there is Heather. She looks like my favourite kind of girlfriend, but she's more. She is not a 'notch on the bedpost' sort, so don't treat her that way."

"What happened to Amy? She get married?"

"The bitch left me to rot. I'm done with Amy."

In the Grimmauld Place kitchen

When Remus and Sirius walked into the kitchen, Remus noticed two things immediately: the distinctive paper bag on the table, and the woman who had turned in her chair to face both wizards.

Remus said, "You're Heather Tidwell, right? Three years behind us in school? Ravenclaw."

The breasty woman with short brunette hair smiled at Remus. "Four years behind you, actually." Then she asked Sirius with a grin, "Why does he remember me from school and you don't, hm?"

"Erm, I'm getting old and my memory is failing?"

Heather replied, "You better not be getting old." Then she shot Sirius an intense look.

Sirius said, "Anyway, Remus, this is our"—he counted on fingers—"fifth date, so I thought we'd dine in."

"Our fifth date," Heather clarified, "even though we met a week and a half ago. We have a connexion."

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, like Harry and Hermione, who is Harry's firstie friend. Those two do everything together, and they're only eleven."

Remus gestured to the McDonald's paper bag on the table. "So on your fifth date, Padfoot, you decided to impress Heather with foreign food?"

Heather snapped, "He bought me Mundane food. You know what a big deal this is to a Mundane-born."

Sirius grumped, "I kept asking them what was in the Secret Sauce. They never told me!"

Heather grinned. "To shut him up, I had to whisper in his ear, 'It's family magic.' "

Now Sirius grinned. "What's so great about Heather is that she's funny. Heather, tell Remus the story about the Pureblood who walks into a Muggle pub."

A half-hour later, in the Ravenclaw common room

Harry and Hermione were doing homework; Harry noticed that Hermione was smiling the entire time. Hermione had received many gifts from Ravenclaws at lunchtime, and many gifts from the all-Houses firsties at dinnertime—but more importantly to Hermione, she had been honoured today. Whereas Hermione's twelfth birthday in Harry's previous lifetime had gone completely unnoticed by Gryffindors.

Harry heard sudden screaming behind him—

"MOANING MYRTLE!"

"What's she doing here?"

Harry stood up and turned about. He saw ghost-Myrtle floating in the room. Harry said loudly, "Myrtle is in the Ravenclaw common room because I invited her here. She's—correction, she was—a Ravenclaw just like us."

By now, Myrtle had floated over by Harry and Hermione. Harry, still standing, performed introductions. "Myrtle, this is my best friend, Hermione Granger, a first-year student. Hermione turns twelve today. Her mind is amazing. Hermione, this is Myrtle Warren. Myrtle was born in 1929 and died at the end of her third year, age fourteen, when she looked into the yellow eyes of a basilisk. She's famous for haunting the girls' restroom on the second floor."

Hermione was wide-eyed. "Pleased to meet you, Myrtle."

An older boy's voice asked, "A basilisk killed Myrtle? That isn't what I've heard. I've always heard it was an Acromantula that killed her."

Harry shrugged. "I asked Myrtle how she died. She died after seeing big yellow eyes. She and I figured out it had to be a basilisk."

A fourth-year girl asked, "How is Moa—Myrtle here? I thought she had to stay in her lavatory."

Myrtle replied, "Actually, I'm allowed to go anywhere in Hogwarts. I usually don't, because I don't like being near people. But"—Myrtle looked down at Harry and smiled—"in Harry Potter I've made a friend."

Thump-thump-thump-thump-thump. Cho Chang and Marietta Edgecombe burst out of the stairs to the girls' dormitories.

"You! Moaning Myrtle!" Cho yelled. "Leave this common room now and get back to your disgusting loo where you belong!"

"No," said Harry. "She stays. I invited her here, she used to be a Ravenclaw, and this is the Ravenclaw com—"

Marietta said, "Who gave you the right to invite that ugly ghost here? You're only a bloody first-year!"

Harry touched the blue lining of his left robe-sleeve. "This gives me the right. As for you, girl, you are only a second-year. Meaning, no prefect badge on your chest. So who the bloody hell do you think you are, telling anyone they have to leave?"

Cho was wearing an I gotcha smile. "So, Harry, where did you and Moaning Myrtle meet, hm? Since after all, there's only one place she ever is, and it's detention if a boy goes into a girls' lavatory."

"I confess. You caught me," Harry said with exaggerated guilt and a theatrical woebegone air. "I've spent the last eighteen days, every spare moment, in Myrtle's lavatory—brewing Polyjuice Potion and Felix felicis Potion."

"You can brew those in a lavatory?" Hermione asked.

Harry looked Marietta and Cho in the eyes. "Suppose I claim I didn't meet Myrtle in her loo, I met her somewhere else?" Both girls were taking a breath to speak when Harry said, "You want to call me a liar? Prove me wrong."

"Pfft," Cho said. "Myrtle never leaves her loo; everyone knows this. If you know the spook, then you were in her loo, Q.E.D, against the rules."

"Wow, Chang," said Su Li, "you actually claim that 'Everyone knows this' proves anything? Tell me, does the eagle have to dumb-down the riddle when you step up to the door-knocker?"

The older Oriental girl glared at the younger one.

"Your presumption is erroneous," Myrtle said archly to Cho. "I'm allowed to go anywhere on the castle and grounds—but almost all of the time, I choose to stay in my loo."

Marietta glared at Harry and demanded, "If you met Moaning Myrtle somewhere other than her loo, as you claim"—Edgecombe rolled her eyes—"where did you meet her? Every girl here is entitled to know whether Harry Potter is a dirty pervert."

Myrtle said menacingly, "Do you two recognise the name of 'Olive Hornby'? I know your type—you're both bullies. I hate bullies. I died because of a bully—"

"Of course you were bullied," said Cho. "Look at you! Fat, pimples, you wear glasses, and your hair is as unshiny as hair can get. So, Moaning Myrtle, what do you say to that? Are you going to cry?"

"No," Myrtle said viciously, "I'm going to hug you."

Myrtle glided forward and hugged both Cho and Marietta—but most of Myrtle's body was inside the bodies of the two second-year girls. They gasped as their bodies turned cold.

"I've homework to do," Cho said to Marietta. "I'm done here."

Cho and Marietta backed away from Myrtle and dashed up the stairs to the girls' dormitories. Myrtle floated to the foot of the stairs and yelled up, "Remember, bullies, ghosts can pass through walls, and we can't be assigned detentions!"

The next day (Friday, 20th September)
After afternoon classes

Harry sneaked into an empty classroom with his book bag. He hissed, "§I call upon the Spirit of Hogwarts.§"

The Spirit appeared. "What can I do for you, Harry?"

"For right now, I was confirming that you understand commands spoken in Parseltongue."

"§I understand Parseltongue and I can speak it too,§" the Spirit of Hogwarts replied.

"Good to know. Now, the other question I had: Right now, Castle magic knows exactly where I am, right?"

"This is correct."

Harry pulled his Invisibility Cloak out of his book bag, unfolded it, and draped it over his head. "What about now? Do you still know where I am?"

"No," the Spirit replied to the seemingly bodyless voice in front of her. "According to the location-magic of the Castle, you are not within Hogwarts."

Harry pulled the Invisibility Cloak off his head. "Fantastic. Thank you." The Spirit of Hogwarts curtseyed and vanished, as Harry began to refold the Cloak.

Minutes later

Hermione had thought that the Invisibility Cloak was amazing. Hermione had thought that the Invisibility Cloak would be fun to use. Hermione had been puzzled why Harry would want to use the Cloak now.

At the moment, Harry and Hermione both were under the Invisibility Cloak as they walked through the castle, some distance away from Ravenclaw Tower. Harry and Hermione now were on the second floor. If Hermione realised the importance of this fact, she did not comment.

A few minutes later, Hermione whispered, "we're coming close to Myrtle's restroom."

Harry whispered agreement: "Yes, we are."

A minute later, they were invisibly standing outside of two doors, one of which had an "Out of Order" sign hanging on it.

"Harry—"

He opened the door. His gentle push on Hermione's back guided her through the door. Once both of them were inside the lavatory and the door was shut, Harry pulled the Invisibility Cloak off his and Hermione's heads.

Hermione looked shocked. "Harry, you lied! Cho asked you if you'd been in here and you said you hadn't!"

"I didn't lie, I misled," Harry replied, whilst refolding the Cloak. "I implied I'd never been in here. My actual words were 'Suppose I claim I didn't meet Myrtle in her loo, I met her somewhere else?' "

"You misled the whole Ravenclaw common room. Don't split hairs to 'prove' that you didn't."

Harry shrugged. "I learnt from the best. Our esteemed headmaster could have you believing that the sun is shining outside, without ever saying the words 'The sun is shining outside,' all whilst he's looking out his window at the rain."

"Harry, you've talked to the headmaster twice. You can't claim to know him so well."

"Yes I can, but it's another Delphi thing. Oh, before I forget: If you ever use this room for its intended purpose, bring your own loo roll. And flush the toilet in your stall at the start, before you commit yourself—I'm sure that Filch and the house-elves haven't been in here in decades."

"Duly noted. Harry, why are we here?"

"Follow me." As the two of them walked towards the sinks, Harry said, "When you get to reading Mum's sixth-year diary, you'll find that Mum came across interesting info about 'Slytherin's Chamber.' Using what she'd read, Mum came in here and looked about till she found this sink."

Harry pointed to the sink with the snake-design on it.

Harry continued, "Mum was a Parselmouth. She was so excited about this; she thought that in the history of the school, she and Salazar Slytherin were the only Parselmouths. No, it turns out that Mum missed one: a Slytherin student in the 1940s named Tom Marvolo Riddle. Anyway, when Mum found this sink, she got excited, and she—call it an experiment."

Harry hissed, "§Open.§"

Judging by Hermione's gobsmacked expression, the sudden appearance of the downward tunnel was a bigger shock than McGonagall's visit to the Grangers of a year ago.

A minute later

Harry and Hermione both had walked on the rat skeletons, and Harry had opened the big round door that had been locked by metal snakes. Now Harry and Hermione stood in Slytherin's Chamber (a.k.a the Chamber of Secrets). Hermione was staring at the cobra-statues.

Harry said, "This is as far as Mum went. She stood about where we're standing, thought 'This is incredible,' then turned round and walked out."

But Harry did not turn round and walk out. Instead, he strode with determination towards the giant stone head. After a second's delay, Hermione followed.

Harry did not tell Hermione that the story he had just told her, about Lily visiting the Chamber during her sixth year, was entirely true—but that the story was misleading. Harry had not learnt about the Chamber by reading his mum's sixth-year diary; no, it was a different diary, Tom Riddle's diary, that had brought Harry here originally.

Another minute later

Hermione stared in shock at the sixty-foot basilisk. "It won't try to bite us, will it?"

Harry replied, "Actually, biting you isn't the worst thing the basilisk can do to you, though the bite is deadly. See the basilisk's seemingly orange eyes? The basilisk has two sets of eyelids, and the transparent-red eyelids let living creatures look at the basilisk's eyes without harm. Otherwise..."

Hermione said, her voice fearful, "If you look into the basilisk's eyes, you die. This is what killed Myrtle."

"Yes, killed instantly. And if you try to use an intermediary—a reflecting pool of water, a mirror, a telescope or a camera viewfinder—to look at the no-eyelids basilisk, you are 'merely' petrified. If this happens, you can be cured by someone pouring Mandrake Restorative Draught down your throat, but this potion is bugger-all to make. And until it's made and you drink it, you're caught in a Petrificus Totalis that doesn't wear off."

Then Harry looked into Hermione's eyes. "Anyway, where I was yesterday, that I couldn't tell you about when you asked? I was right here, Parseltongue-talking with the basilisk. I knew I could have died yesterday, and I had no intention of bringing you here where you might die too."

"Oh, Harry!" Hermione cried, as she Hermy-hugged him.

After Hermione broke the hug, Harry said, "Let me tell you why I called the basilisk out from behind Salazar's head. Spells spoken in Parseltongue are more powerful than spells spoken in a human language; well, Founder Slytherin collected his own Parseltext library, and yesterday I was the first living person to see it in a thousand years. Today, you'll see it too."

Hermione squealed.

Another minute later
In Slytherin's Parseltext library

Hermione huffed. "I'm useless here! There isn't one book here that I can even read the spine of."

Harry grinned at her. "Useless? Not so." He tapped the §Read This First§ book. "I learnt an interesting spell from this."

Harry fetched a random green-covered book from a shelf, brought it to the table, and pulled out his wand. Whilst making a reverse-D wand motion, Harry hissed, "§Conjure translations§." A second book appeared, identical in its dimensions to the green book, but the second book's cover was blue. Harry slid the blue-covered book over to Hermione.

She turned the front cover towards her. "An Introduction to Blood Rituals." She opened the book and flipped pages. "This book, I can read every page. Yay, we're in business!"

Harry put §An Introduction to Blood Rituals§ back on the shelf, walked back to the table and flipped §Read This First§ to a different page. He said to Hermione, "Let me show you another neat trick I learnt from this book. I'm going to summon every book that mentions the Permanent Sticking Charm, 'Proprius Commoror.' §I summon every book containing the text§ 'Proprius Commoror' §or 'Permanent Sticking Charm.'§"

Twenty-three green-covered books floated off the shelves and onto the table.

Harry tried a variation on the spell: "§I summon every book containing the text 'glue.'§" This brought seven more books to the table.

"Oh, wow," said Hermione, her eyes bright. "Imagine if the internet had something like this, so that I could find every web page in the world that contained certain text. I could find a thousand uses for such a spell. No, I could find a million uses for a text-search spell like this. Correction—I could find ten-to-the-hundredth-power uses for such a spell."

A minute later

Five blue-covered books were by Hermione's elbow; thirty green-covered books were by Harry's elbow.

Harry said to Hermione, "Let me make clear what we're looking for. Professor Snape has a Dark Mark wafer on his arm. We're looking for a spell that will unstick the wafer from his arm without the Dark Mark going spare and killing him."

"Got it. Let's begin," Hermione said. She pulled a blue book off her stack and opened its front cover.

"Hermione," Harry said. His gaze was intense. "You might think that we're merely doing this as a favour for a professor we like. But it's much more. This is the most important research project you'll ever do. But why it's so important is Delphi knowledge till you're sixteen."

"Delphi knowledge," Hermione replied with a nod. "Got it. If this research is so important, do you think we can do it? After all, you and I haven't been in this school even a month."

"Yes, I think we can do this. You're a firstie, but you've already bought and read all seven years of textbooks, right?"

Hermione nodded.

Harry continued, "I've read all seven of Mum's Hogwarts diaries, which talk about the spells and potions in all those textbooks you own. So I also know more than most first-month firsties." Not to mention that in my previous lifetime, I learnt a lot of magic during six years of Hogwarts schooling, plus I learnt spells so I could survive the Triwizard, plus I learnt magic so I could survive Death Eaters and Snatchers. I doubt that there is much in Slytherin's green books that I simply can't understand. Harry added, "Besides, only a Parselmouth can cast the spell, once we find the right spell, and I'm the only Parselmouth in the whole bloody school. Which means only I can make proper use of Slytherin's library."

Soon Harry was looking through a green-covered book, whilst Hermione was looking through a blue-covered book.

Hermione abruptly spoke: "Professor Snape said that taking the Dark Mark at seventeen was his second-biggest regret. What could he regret more than that?"

Harry said, "Calling my mother a mudblood." Hermione hissed. Harry continued, "In one second, he killed Lily's friendship with him, which was the one good thing in his life. This happened at the end of fifth year, after everyone involved had just sat their OWLs."

Harry went on to tell the story—

"...My father James, when he died at twenty-one, was a good man. Sirius at thirty-one is a good man. But the Marauders, back when they were sixteen-year-olds, were wankers. And Severus was immature too, or he never would've called my mother that word. But other Slytherins had been bothering Lily for five years. She'd visited Madam Pomfrey many times by fifth year, and been hospitalised a few times, but Headmaster Dumbledore never punished the offenders. Anyway, when Severus Snape of Slytherin called Mum the blood-purity bigots' favourite word, she decided, 'This is the end. You've made your choice, Sev.' The next day, he showed up outside the door to Gryffindor Tower, sobbing and begging Mum to resume their friendship. It got him nothing; Mum was cold to Severus Snape. A year and three months later, when she and James became Head Girl/Head Boy, those two started dating."

At 3 p.m., still in Slytherin's Library

Harry had been casting the Tempus spell occasionally since he and Hermione had begun their research in this library.

Now Harry said to Hermione, "Okay, write down the names of the blue books you've completely looked through and the book and page number that you're on now, then pack everything up. We're leaving."

"I'm still on my first book," Hermione said. "I keep getting distracted."

Thirty seconds later, Hermione had done the ordered writings, and was loading parchment and quill back into her book bag. She asked, "Why are we leaving?"

"Because whilst finding a way to unstick Snape's Dark Mark is important, it's not urgent—the answer doesn't need to be found today, this week or even this month." Harry did not mention his secret deadline, which was 31st October. "And if we disappear for more than two hours a day, people will talk, and eventually the Great-in-His-Own-Mind Whiskered One will find out. Meanwhile, the blue-covered books are conjured, and they'll all be gone tomorrow."

Minutes later, Harry and Hermione were walking out of Slytherin's Chamber (the Chamber of Secrets), and Harry was waving goodbye to Gazer.

Hermione said, "I didn't find the sticking-charm counter that we're looking for, but I found so many other interesting things! Little asides about this part of magic, or that part. I filled three pages this afternoon with good notes that I won't be otherwise taught for years yet, and maybe not even then!"

Harry laughed in delight. "Hermione, why do you think I brought you in on this, instead of doing all the research myself? I knew that, even with you stuck having to read the unleaded versions of Salazar's books, that this would be a dream come true for you."

Hermione dropped her book bag, threw her arms round Harry and gave him a strong hug. "Thank you, Harry! These last two hours have been a bigger gift than yesterday!"

Minutes later, in the Hogwarts Library

Harry and Hermione sat down in the two empty seats at the all-Houses firsties' table.

"Where were you two?" Draco asked. "We haven't seen you since lunchtime."

Harry said smoothly, "Hermione and I are involved with a special project for Professor Snape, which I'm afraid we can't talk about." Hermione nodded. Harry continued, "Expect us to be gone for a few hours each afternoon, for weeks yet."

Justin said, "I'm confused. Snape isn't one of our professors."

"Thank Merlin!" Neville said.

Harry waited for Hermione to say Honestly, Justin, it's "Professor Snape." But Cousin Andromeda, thankfully, had spoken to Hermione about correcting fellow students about honorifics—and apparently Hermione had listened.

Hermione said, "Professor Snape isn't our teacher, this is true, but he is Harry's and my friend. Or mentor. Or something else good."

At dinnertime, in the Great Hall
At the all-Houses firsties part of the Ravenclaw table

Neville announced to the group, "Look over at the High Table. Snape is missing, just like a fortnight ago."

Millicent replied, "It is Friday night, you lot. Maybe Snape is out on a hot date."

Nah, never, that's impossible was the general consensus.

Harry looked over at Susan Bones—who nodded her head a half-inch.