Coraline swore as the magical bullet struck her Soul. It didn't pierce the skin or leave a bruise behind, but it still hurt like hell.
"Haven't heard that word before," said Greg. "Candy?"
Ralsei had said that Greg's Candy could heal HP, but Coraline was not quite sure what that meant and at this point she was too afraid to ask. It tasted like butterscotch. She preferred cinnamon.
"Oh dear," said Ralsei. "Are you alright, Coraline?"
"I'm fine," said Coraline. "I'm just not used to being attacked outside of battle."
Ralsei tilted his head inquisitively. She should probably get to explaining everything that happened in the Underground and beyond to him. There was no reason they were keeping it a secret, other than the fact that every time they tried to talk, they would be interrupted by Lancer or his various guys.
"You just have to get the timing right," said Ralsei, extending his hand. "Here, let me help."
Coraline took his hand. It was obviously a human hand, but rather than skin, Coraline felt fur. It reminded her of Toriel.
Ralsei, it turned out, was excellent at dodging attacks. They were leaps before the others as they reached the end of the hall.
"Another dead end, huh?" said Ralsei. "At least this area has a chest. Why don't you look at what's inside, Coraline?"
For a chest so big, it was weird that there was only one thing inside of it. A bracelet made of plastic beads, some dice shaped, others spelling out "friendship!" in small black letters.
"That's armor, Coraline," said Ralsei. "That will increase your defense. Why don't you try putting it on? I think it'll look really good on you!"
Coraline was not sure what her defense meant in this world, either, but she was fairy certain that this bracelet did not constitute "armor". Her breastplate was armor. Even the old ribbon tying her hair back did a better job defending her than this bracelet.
"What about you?" said Coraline. "Don't you have any armor?"
"Oh I'll be fine without it," said Ralsei. "My job is to defend you, after all!"
That hardly seemed fair. She equipped the Dice Brace, but pulled the ribbon out of her hair.
"My hair is short anyway," said Coraline as she tied it around Ralsei's hat. "There. Now your defense has increased."
"Wow…" said Ralsei, voice trembling. "W-well? Do I look pretty?"
Coraline opened her mouth to answer, but was cut off by the sounds of an evil laugh. She spun around, only to come face-to-face with the Dark Mystery Kids.
"Well," said Lancer. "If it isn't the so-called Heroes!"
"Are you finally ready to see what happens…" said Susie.
"…When you try to act soft…"
"…Against a team that crushes anyone in their way?"
The two struck a pose.
"Dark Jack Lancer!"
"Violent Ax Susie!"
"Together we are…"
"The Dark Mystery Kids!" said the two in unison.
The Dark Mystery Kids blocked their way. Coraline braced herself for a fight, but none came.
"Um…" said Ralsei. "So what's your, um, evil plan?"
"Huh?" said Lancer.
"Dude," said Susie. "We just formed our team. We haven't done anything past our intro yet."
"Have a little patience, please," said Lancer.
"Oh," said Ralsei. "Um, sorry…We're looking forward to the rest!"
"Heh," said Susie. "Well, you won't be looking forward for long. We'll be working ceaselessly…"
"…Unstoppably…" said Lancer.
"…To make an evil plan to thrash you clowns," said Susie. "Watch your backs."
"And your fronts!" said Lancer.
The two scurried off.
"I think it's cute how they're finishing each other's sentences," said Mabel.
"Should we be worried?" said Norman.
"Probably not," said Coraline.
"Greetings, gentleclown," said Lancer. "Would you be interested in buying a Lancer Cookie?"
"Proceeds go to kicking your ass," said Susie.
"Is this your evil plan?" said Norman, eyeing the cooking in front of him suspiciously.
"Yes," said Lancer.
Susie nudged him.
"No," said Lancer. "We're still thinking of a plan."
"It's hard to be evil on an empty stomach," said Susie.
Norman had already seen the two trying to shovel salsa out of a stump. It was disturbing.
"Here," said Norman, dropping $40D on the bake sale stand. "That should be enough for one of Hathy's donuts."
"Thank you for your contribution," said Lancer. "Now we can fund our illicit plans!"
The two abandoned their cardboard stand and made a beeline for the Hathy stand. Well, at least they were happy now.
Norman leaned against the cardboard stand as he sat down. Between everything, it had been a long time since he was able to relax and catch his breath. There was still a long way to go. They still had to defeat the Spade King, and after that, find a way home and find that other kid. But right now, Norman was going to enjoy the break.
"Hey, Wirt," said Norman as the older kid approached. "Did you get a donut too?"
"I got an egg," said Wirt.
"…what?"
Sure enough, there was an egg in Wirt's hand. He tapped it against the rim of his lantern to crack it. Yolk splattered against the forest floor.
"Hey, are you gonna eat that?" said Lancer.
"Where did you get that?" said Norman.
"I'm not sure," said Wirt. "There was just a man behind that tree…"
"What tree?" said Norman.
Wirt looked around. His eyebrows furrowed together.
"It's not there anymore," said Wirt.
The egg did not concern Norman anymore, not even the fact that it was back in Wirt's hand intact even as Lancer lapped up the yolky mix on the floor. No, now he was concerned for Wirt's sake.
"What did this man look like?" said Norman. "Did he say anything? Who would just give you an egg without a word? Who would just give you an egg?"
Wirt's mouth opened and shut like a fish as he tried to think of what to say.
"I don't remember anymore," said Wirt. "I'm sure I had seen him before, but…"
Wirt's gaze grew distant. Norman wondered if this is what it looked like when he was talking to ghosts, eyes nowhere and everywhere all at once. If so, he couldn't really blame people for thinking he was scary. But Wirt was not scary. He was Norman's friend.
"Are you okay?" said Norman. "Do you need to sit down? I have a donut…"
"It's okay," said Wirt. "I'm just thinking…how weird is it to be completely forgotten like that? Like…what if you were in a world where everything was the same…except you didn't exist? Everything functioned perfectly without you…the thought terrifies me."
That didn't answer his question. But Norman decided not to press on it.
"Oh, woe! Woe is me! Rows and rows of woes and woes! If only a hero would help…"
"I'm a hero!" said Greg. "What's the problem, Lancer?"
"Oh, I'm not Lancer," said Lancer. He spun to face them, revealing a luscious moustache perched on the void that was his face. "I'm just a sweet little boy!"
"Why does a sweet little boy need a moustache." said Ralsei. It did not sound like a question.
"As a disguise," said Lancer.
"….so what kind of help do you need?" said Ralsei.
"See," said Lancer. "I have this evil plan I need to make…"
"Why does a sweet little boy need an evil plan?" said Ralsei.
"To impress his cool friend, Susie!" said Lancer.
"Come on, Rals," said Greg. "It's for friendship!"
"You're right," said Ralsei. "So, what's the evil plan?"
"It's all here, you delicious little apples," said Lancer. "Just fill in with the most evil thing you can imagine!"
Lancer pulled out a set of papers and blueprints and set them aboard an easel.
"Hohoho," said Lancer. "Let the clown-generated content begin!"
The Dark Mystery Kids had already done most of the work. A series of designs lay out before them, with detailed notes about the stats they offered. They were good drawings, too. Susie should consider becoming an artist when the Bad Guy thing didn't work out. But Greg already had a design in mind. He flipped over a cover page labeled "Machine to Thrash Your Own Ass" (another word he didn't know), and sketched out his masterpiece.
"There we go," said Greg, once he was finished. "Do you wanna look?"
Lancer did not stir. Susie, however, jumped out from the bushes, leaving a Susie-shaped hole in her wake.
"Hahaha, trick you idiots!" said Susie. "Never do something someone else can do for you!"
Susie glanced down at Greg's creation. The evil gin on her face fell.
"…It's just a duck?" said Susie.
"Do you like it?" said Greg.
"It's awful?" said Susie.
"Am I responsible in any way?" said Lancer.
"Nah, you're good," said Susie.
"Oho!" said Lancer. "The bad guys get off scot-free again!"
They still snatched up his design.
"Thrash you later, clowns!" said Lancer as they took off.
"It's nice that Susie found a place she fits in," said Ralsei.
"You mean the bush?" said Greg.
"No, with Lancer," said Ralsei. "Although I'm sorry they didn't like your duck, Greg. I think it's great that you were able to express yourself like that!"
"It's cool," said Greg. "I'm proud of it, and that's what matters. And it's pretty weak in terms of gun's and coolness, so it should be pretty easy to take down once they decide to thrash us with it."
"Wow, Greg," said Ralsei. "I didn't think you were thinking that far ahead."
"I wasn't, really," said Greg. "I just wanted to draw a duck."
They found Susie and Lancer lounging at the forest entrance, Ruddins furiously fanning them with large leaves.
"Is this part of your evil plan?" said Dipper.
"Nah," said Susie. "We deserve a break after all the hard work we've done."
"You mean the hard work Greg did to design your machine?" said Wirt.
"Hey, we made a presentation and everything," said Lancer. "Give us a break."
"Fine, whatever," said Dipper. "We'll be better off without you guys getting in the way."
"Don't be too sure about that," said Lancer. "Up ahead is the forest maze. You'll probably get completely lost…without someone that knows the way, that is. I know the forest like the back of my head!"
"Okay," said Dipper. "Then do you want to come with us and help us out?"
"Of course not," said Lancer. "We're bad guys, remember?"
Dipper rolled his eyes, but tried not to get too frustrated. Considering his mixed metaphor and everything leading up to it, Lancer probably would not have been much help anyway.
"Let's get going, guys," said Dipper.
"What's the plan, bro?" said Mabel.
"A maze is just another kind of puzzle," said Dipper. "We just have to think straight…and avoid whatever Lancer's doing."
That turned out to be a sound strategy. Lancer may have gotten ahead of them, but it was clear that he had no idea what he was doing. If he turned right, they turned left, and did not run into a dead end.
It was working pretty well for them until they ran into Susie.
"Hey, losers," said Susie. "Wait a second. Where's Lancer?"
"Err…" said Ralsei. "Well, he wasn't going the right way, so…"
"We ditched him!" said Greg.
"What?" said Susie. "You know he's bad at mazes, right?"
"No, we figured that part out," said Dipper.
"Ho ho ho!" Lancer's voice echoed through the woods. "I'm lost and confused!"
"Sorry Susie," said Ralsei. "We didn't mean to make you worry about him."
"Huh?" said Susie. "No, I'm not worried about him! Bad guys just gotta look after each other is all. So I'm gonna find him!"
Susie shoved past the group, and turned quickly into a dead end.
The Dark World had brightened up considerably since they left Ralsei's house. Red skies(?) gave them enough light to see even without Wirt's lantern, and made the world look more like sunset than night.
Yet a shadow loomed before them. It towered above them, Ralsei and Greg especially. It was large, too, but the close it came to them the more they could make of its shape.
"Is that the machine we designed earlier?" said Ralsei.
The figure staggered out of the shadows and towards them. Its full form was revealed to them, patched together with duct tape and cardboard. Two webbed feet moving in a circular pattern gave the illusion of movement, but the wheels of Lancer's bike underneath made it clear what actually made it move.
"My duck!" said Greg.
"Oh," said Ralsei. "That's…not good, actually."
"If you think that's bad," said Lancer. "Just wait 'til you see what happens when it starts!"
The duck gave a wheeze that only passingly resembled a quack as it was activated. Just as quickly, it burst into flames.
"Your design sucked so we blew it up," said Susie.
"But what about your evil plan?" said Mabel.
"Turns out we didn't need a plan," said Susie. "Just a rule."
"Anyone that gets in our way…" said Lancer.
"…Gets crushed into dust," said Susie.
"But Susie, you need us to return home," said Ralsei. "Doesn't crushing us seem a little counterproductive?"
"Nah, see, I know I can't get back without you guys. But being a good guy…really isn't my style," said Susie. "So this is how we settle it. If you can beat me, I'll go back to being a good guy. But if you lose, you will have to be bad guys with us! What do you say?"
"Well," said Mabel.
"Don't bother answering," said Susie. "We were just going to thrash you anyway."
Two bad guys blocked the way!
Mabel braced herself for attack. She studied Susie and Lancer carefully, trying to think of any course of action she could take. Time to resort to plan A.
"Hey, you two look like a really good team," said Mabel.
Lancer preened. Susie scowled.
"Don't get fooled by the enemy," said Susie. She rushed to Lancer's side covered his earholes with her claws.
It was their turn now. Lancer hopped onto his bike, Susie followed. Lancer did his usual trick of charging directly for their Soul and flipping onto the ceiling. Instead of his usual spade-shaped bullets, Susie turned her ax into magic bullets and threw them towards them. Mabel jumped out of the way. Wirt rushed to her side to Defend her.
"We can handle Lancer," said Mabel.
"Can we?" said Wirt, taking care to adjust his hat once the turn ended.
"But we need a way to take care of Susie first," said Mabel.
"Cool, any ideas?" said Wirt.
Mabel bit her lip as she thought. She did not know Susie all that well. She should probably fix that when this was all over. She knew that Susie liked cake, and hated people, and…
"She falls asleep easily!" said Mabel. "Ralsei, sing us a song!"
"Uh, okay!" said Ralsei. "When the light is running low, and the shadows start to grow, and the places that you know seem like fantasy…"
Susie was out in seconds. Lancer wasn't.
"Now what?" said Dipper.
Mabel had not thought that far ahead. Sure, Lancer was not very dangerous, but they could not battle him forever. They would just have to find a way to get him to stop fighting.
Back to Plan A, then.
"Oh, what a beautiful song!" said Lancer.
"We'll sing it to you more if you stopped thrashing us," said Mabel.
"Really?" said Lancer.
"Sure," said Mabel. "We can have a picnic together."
Lancer tilted his head inquisitively.
"With worms," said Greg.
That made Lancer perk up.
"And I'll, uh…" said Coraline. "Braid your hair?"
For some reason, that seemed to work as well.
"We just want to get along with you," said Norman.
Lancer became almost convinced.
"Dipper," said Mabel. "Final blow of kindness!"
"Uh, well," said Dipper. "In summary, we like you two and I think we should all just get along."
"Uh oh," said Lancer.
"Did I miss anything?" said Susie as she stirred awake.
"Yeah," said Lancer. "I accidentally started liking my enemies. Now just seeing them makes me feel round and soft. Bad atmosphere for battle."
"…Well, if you don't want to Fight," said Susie. "There's no point, I guess."
"Battle's over!" said Lancer.
"Does that mean you'll stop thrashing us now?" said Wirt.
"Well, you didn't beat us because you…uh…" said Susie. "Kinda cheated by ganging up on Lancer with, uh, kindness. But if I have to, I guess I'll go back to your side. But don't expect me to do anything but Fight."
"Well," said Ralsei. "We're happy to have you back, Susie."
Were they?
"Yeah, yeah," said Susie. "Let's just hurry up and get home."
!— Az: I liked her better when she was violent-
!- Frisk: :P -