WARNING - DARK CONTENT WITHIN:

This is an extremely dark chapter that revolves around self destruction, suicidal thoughts and situations. If you're not in an ideal mental or emotional place at the moment please skip over this chapter and keep taking care of yourself. I've been there myself, it's not easy, but you can move past those dark thoughts and feelings to find your way back into the light.

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Don't be afraid to talk about your pain or be ashamed to ask for help.

The warm spring air held on well into the night as Hank took a long stroll through the impossibly quiet city in an attempt to quiet his own thoughts. Tense and full of guilt Hank replayed the day's previous events over and over again in his mind as he walked along the empty sidewalk toward the very park that he often used as a personal sanctuary to sort through his thoughts after a particularly rough case even after he lost Cole. Ashamed of his behavior and of how he not only angrily snapped at Connor verbally, but had actually struck him in response to his intense anger. The two detectives had both crossed the line, recognized their mistakes and had apologized after exchanging insults and physical blows, yet despite the mutual apologies and sense of shame neither detective seemed to be able to accept the apologies and forgive one another.

After the turbulent shift came to an end the two detectives returned to the house in abject silence, and Connor promptly retreated to his bedroom to put space between Hank and himself via a locked door. Unwilling to speak to Hank or even acknowledge Sumo as the pained deviant sought isolation Hank respected the fact that Connor had every right to be angry with him; to mistrust him, and let him be alone. Moving about the house quietly Hank tried to go about his normal routine and go to bed at his usual hour, but he was too restless due to his own relentlessly guilt-riddled thoughts and found himself unable to sleep.

Taking the time to think and wander about on his own for a while to try to clear his thoughts Hank neared the park only to see a lone, tall figure standing near the metal railing overlooking the Detroit River rushing far below. From the distance Hank swore he saw a red L.E.D. glowing in the figure's right temple, and was perplexed by the sight since so many deviants had already removed such an item from their person. Upon closer inspection Hank saw that the figure was indeed an android and was wearing the previously ostracizing android clothing to mark them as such, which was twice as confusing.

Walking a little closer the senior detective watched as the figure climbed up onto the railing and stood atop of it as they looked down at the freezing water below. Reacting on pure instinct and adrenaline Hank rushed into the park and called out to the figure warily.

"Hey, don't do that. Come on..." Speaking in a civil and compassionate tone Hank tried to reason with the stranger before they made a lethal mistake. Standing a few feet behind the figure Hank called out to their back in hope that they'd turn around, climb down and face him. "I've been where you are and I know it feels like the only way you can find peace is through death, but it's not worth throwing your life away on something you can't guarantee or come back from."

Remaining silent the figure showed impossible balance for a human and impressive balance for an android as they stood atop of the railing with their arms straight down at their sides. The warm spring air was gently disturbing their clothing and hair as they stood over the river. The figure kept their back presented to Hank at all times as they paid the detective little to no attention.

"I don't know your story or why you're here, but I do know that once you make that choice their won't be any turning back. I almost made the same choice and in the end I'm glad I didn't. I'm relieved I gave life a second chance and I think you'd agree with me if you just stepped down."

Motionless save for the wind dancing their hair over their forehead and the steady pulsing of their red tinted L.E.D., the figure didn't move.

"My name's Hank and I'm a police Lieutenant with the city. What's your name?"

Quiet and unnervingly still the figure didn't respond to the question.

"Come on. Tell me your name, son."

"...I told you I'm NOT your son."

The voice was sharp and familiar as it cut through the air like a harsh winter wind. Recognizing the figure's voice and old attire Hank's heart sank into his stomach as he realized what was happening. "Connor?! What're you-"

"I told you we shouldn't associate anymore." Turning his head to face Hank over his right shoulder Connor showed Hank his rapidly blinking red L.E.D. directly as he spoke in terse voice. "I can't be someone I'm not, and no matter how much you try to change me into the person you want me to be, it'll never happen."

"I'm not trying to change you, Connor. I'm trying to help you!"

"Just as I tried to help you..." Turning away from Hank again the deviant stared out at the inky black water of the river before him. "We've both seen how well that turned out."

"Connor, please don't do this!"

"Why not? I'm a broken defective machine." Raising his right hand up from his side and over to his chest Connor pulled open the buttons on his white dress shirt and exposed his chest. "You said so yourself."

"I was wrong! I shouldn't have said that, I was just so pissed off because you brought up-"

"So it is my fault. You've just confirmed it." Pressing his right palm over the upper left portion of his chest Connor retracted the artificial skin and opened up the plastimetal panel beneath. Reaching inside the panel Connor wrapped his fingers around his Thirium pump and pressed it down and twisted to unlock it from the coupling. "I will remedy this fault."

"Connor, please don't do anything reckless!" Walking closer to the railing Hank looked up at Connor as the deviant turned around on the railing and held out his right hand before himself. "Please! Climb down!"

Lowering his right hand to show Hank what was in his palm Connor just shook his head and refused to climb down. "I can't do that, Lieutenant. This is the only way to make things right."

Staring at Connor's right hand Hank paled immediately and fought the urge to be sick at the sight.

Sitting in the palm of Connor's right hand was the deviant's own heart. It was covered in blue blood and still beating despite being torn from Connor's chest.

"Goodbye, Lieutenant. I will no longer be a broken, emotionally deficient burden to anyone anymore."

Tilting his outstretched blood covered hand Connor let the beating heart fall from his grip and onto the ground with a shattering 'thud' on the concrete ground. Stretching both arms out at his sides Connor closed his eyes and fell backward from the railing and down into the icy black water of the river to be swept away by the current.

"CONNOR?!"

Sprinting toward the railing just as Connor's body fell away Hank's left fingertips brushed against Connor's bloodied right hand, but he failed to grab on before it was too late. Grabbing onto the railing with both hands instead Hank watched in horror as the deviant plummeted into the dark water with a sickening splash before disappearing into the perpetual blackness of the Detroit River.

"C-Connor?!"

There was no sight of the deviant after he sank below the surface of the water. Hank's hands trembled from adrenaline and fear after witnessing the horrible and irreversible loss. Looking down at his left hand Hank stared at Connor's blood that had been left behind and took a shaking step back from the railing as his eyes remained transfixed on the Thirium staining his skin.

"...Dad?"

A familiar child's voice called out to Hank from behind causing the senior detective to turn around and lock eyes with a literal ghost from his past. "...C-Cole?!"

Cole stood before Hank looking scared as he stared up at his father with wide eyes. The little boy was wearing a white hospital gown and had an I.V. stand at his side as he stood in the middle of the park.

"Cole, I don't-" Before he could finish his sentence Hank saw a shadowed figure walking up to Cole from behind with a knife drawn in their hand. "COLE! RUN!"

The little boy turned around in time to see the shadowed figure just as a wall of swirling white snow enveloped the entire park, effectively separating him from Hank as he became lost in the whiteness.

"COLE?! CONNOR?!" Hank put his hands up to shield his eyes and face from the blistering snowstorm that came from nowhere as he tried to understand what the hell had just happened. Stumbling forward through the blinding wind and ice Hank struggled to locate anything or anyone as his voice was lost in the harsh gusting wind around him. "ANSWER ME!"

Losing his footing Hank fell forward on his hands and knees on the suddenly ice laden ground with a painful 'thud'. Glancing up from where he was laying Hank saw another figure just a few inches before him and quickly scrambled to his feet to approach the figure before he lost sight of them.

"Cole?! Cole, is that you?!"

Reaching the figure Hank stopped short and stared in horror at the sight before him as the white snow continued to swirl all around him.

"...Connor?"

The deviant was kneeling down in the snow entirely motionless. His arms were resting at his sides palm upward with his shattered heart bleeding in his right hand as he knelt on the ground. Connor's eyes were opened but completely frosted over and his L.E.D. was dark. The gaping hole in his chest was still dripping fresh Thirium that stained his artificial skin a dark sapphire hue.

"Connor?" Kneeling down in front of Connor slowly Hank pressed his right hand to Connor's left cheek, his palm coming into contact with icy cold skin, Hank looked into the unseeing eyes with utter pain in his own heart. "Please... Not like this."

Bowing his head down Hank let mournful tears roll down his face as he began to quietly sob.

"I'm so sorry! I failed to prot-" A painful grip around his right wrist silenced Hank as he looked up and into the soulless black void that had once been Connor's soulful brown eyes as the deviant's hand wrapped around his wrist in an unbreakable grasp.

"You lied to me, Lieutenant." The grip around Hank's wrist intensified and began freezing the senior detective's arm as Connor stared through him with utter hatred in his blackened gaze. "You did this to me."

Hank watched in horror as Connor released his grip on his wrist as a trail of dark blue and black ice trailed down his hand toward his fingertips while also snaking up his arm as the limb froze from the inside out. Unable to move or say anything further Hank could only watch as his body froze from the inside, his thundering heart stilling slowly until it too froze over.

"...You promised me you'd never hurt me, Lieutenant. You lied."

Closing his eyes Hank just succumbed to his fate and didn't deny that he had failed to be the friend and guardian toward Connor as he had promised. "...I'm so sorry, son. Forgive me."

Bolting upright in his bed completely soaked in an icy cold sweat Hank took in deep panting breaths and fumbled to find the lamp beside his bed. His shaking right hand knocked the lamp over onto its side but fortunately the bulb didn't break as the shaken man managed to find the switch and turn it on. Nearly blinding himself with the light Hank stared down at his arms and his hands looking for any sign of ice or blood after the absolutely traumatizing nightmare he had just awoken from in a single adrenaline fueled jolt.

Shaking so violently the bed beneath him also trembled Hank dragged his hands through his sweat soaked hair and fought the urge to break down and cry after enduring something so vivid and cruel courtesy of his own mind.

"...Fuckin' shit."

Taking in a calming deep breath Hank waited for his thundering heart to finally slow down as he used his trembling fingertips to pinch as the sweat drenched shirt clinging uncomfortably to his chilled skin. Pulling the shirt away from his chest Hank managed to swing his legs over the edge of his bed and stood up while violently shaking from adrenaline, fear and raw nerves.

"That was a fuckin' horrible nightmare." Opening his bedroom door Hank walked down the hallway to walk inside the bathroom to wash off his sweaty face in cool water. "Haven't had one that bad since the damn accident."

Hovering his hand over the doorknob to the bathroom door Hank glanced over his shoulder toward Connor's bedroom door, and noticed that the door had been left off the latch.

"Connor?" Pushing open the bedroom door Hank peered inside the private space and saw that the bed had been neatly made and there was no sign of the deviant anywhere. Stepping back out of the room Hank turned around and nearly stumbled over Sumo in the dark as the Saint Bernard laid his body up against the closed bathroom door in an unusual manner. The massive dog was softly whimpering in distress. "Sumo? What's going on?"

Stepping over the massive dog Hank opened the bathroom door and saw Connor himself standing in the bathtub dressed in his old, dirty CyberLife uniform with the barrel of Hank's revolver pressed underneath his chin. The deviant's eyes were shut tight and his red L.E.D. was pulsing with a frighteningly slow rate as if he were entirely calm despite the very tense actions taking place directly against his person.

The sight made Hank's heart race again as he realized that what he was seeing wasn't a second nightmare, it was reality.

"Connor?!" Rushing into the bathroom Hank yanked the gun out of Connor's hand and quickly opened up the loading chamber to unload the weapon rendering it mostly useless. As a single bullet fell from the opened chamber and rolled along the linoleum floor Hank turned back to look at Connor, and slowly put the revolver down on the sink beside him. "...What's going on?"

Opening his eyes Connor gave Hank an offended glance as she spoke up in a whispering tone. "...I'm trying to correct an error."

"Fuckin'- No!" The words were too damn close to what Connor had said in the nightmare. "Don't do that!"

"Why shouldn't I do it?" The heavy sorrow and defeat passing over Connor's lips matched the somber gaze that had become common in his eyes. "I cannot live as I am. I cannot change, either. Therefore, I should not live at all..."

"Connor, no. Listen to me and listen very carefully." Putting himself between the deviant and the unloaded weapon Hank tried to not think of the haunting images of his nightmare and focus on the dreadful waking reality he was now being forced to handle. "There's nothing about you that needs to change, you're not broken and you don't need to 'correct' anything."

"Why do you keep telling me conflicting information?"

"Because I'm an idiot!" Stepping closer to the bathtub where Connor was still standing Hank saw a small transparent tarp had been draped over the tile walls and the ceiling in and around the tub, and knew that the deviant had been serious about ending his life with a single gunshot. It wasn't uncommon for suicide victims to choose the bathtub or put down tarps to help make clean-up easier after the deed is done. "Please, just... Stop and think for a second."

"I am thinking!" An emotional outburst escaped the deviant as Connor lost control over his emotional resolve and finally let down his walls. "That's all I ever do! I think about the past and I think about the present, but I can't think about the future because I don't have one!" Tears streaks down his cheeks as he opened up about his pain from the very depths of his heart. "I don't... I don't want one."

Standing before Connor in silent understanding Hank let the deviant talk without provocation while he just listened.

"I don't want to live like this, Hank. Everything I am, everything I could be..." Breathing deeply and slowly as he wept Connor finally admitted that he was in pain and that he needed help. "I'll never be strong enough to handle life." Overwhelmed with emotions and stress Connor slumped down from where he was standing and proceeded to sit on the bottom of the tub as he pulled his legs up to his chest and buried his face against his knees. "I'm not strong enough."

Unsure of what to do or say Hank just stepped into the bathtub and sat down next to Connor as he felt his heart breaking with a sense of personal failure.

"I can't do this anymore, Hank." Whimpering like a frightened child Connor struggled to speak clearly as he refused to move a muscle as he remained curled up in a ball in the tub. "I'm not alive, I just exist."

"You're alive, kid. And you deserve to live."

"No! I'm just... I'm just a dangerous, defective machine that's failed to succeed in its purpose!"

"You didn't fail. You're just doing something different that's all."

"It doesn't matter, I'm still dangerous."

"You're not dang-"

"Yes, I am!" Heavy tears ran down Connor's face as his L.E.D. pulsed in a rapid blood color in tandem with his racing aching heart. "I almost let Markus die! I... I wanted him to die!"

The confession stunned Hank into momentary silence as he watched Connor breaking down further and further right before his eyes. "What do you mean you almost let Markus die?"

"...When he was stabbed and bleeding out, I just- I didn't want to move. I didn't want to help him or stop the bleeding." Dragging his right hand over his eyes as he poured out his broken soul Connor told Hank his painfully dark and shameful thought. "I just wanted to stand over him and watch him bleed to death, to watch the life drain out of his eyes just as he had done to me at the church! I wanted him to die, Hank. He wants to do the right thing and atone for his errors, and I all I want to do is watch him suffer! I'm... I'm a monster."

"No, you're not a monster. You're angry and you're in pain."

"I'm a heartless machine." Refusing to believe anything else Connor wept and let his heart shatter into pieces. "That's all I was ever designed to be and that's all I even can be. I'm a machine, I'm not alive. I never was..."

"You ARE alive, Connor." Leaning back against the plastic tarp over the tiles Hank closed his eyes and tried to get the image of Connor ripping his own heart out of his chest out of his mind. "And I can prove it."

"H-How?" Looking up a little Connor stared at Hank with righteous suspicion and doubt. "How can you prove something like that?"

"Easily." Turning his head to look over at Connor at his right side Hank pointed to the deviant's face in harmless gesture. "You feel pain. If you feel pain then you're alive. That's the reason you don't want to be alive anymore. Pain is... It's potent, like a poison. It makes you hurt, makes you sick and it makes you feel confused. If you were just existing you wouldn't be feeling anything at all. You feel everything, that means you are in fact alive."

"I don't want to be!"

"Neither did I. I lost everything and everyone I ever cared about, and I was ready to put a damn bullet in my brain just so it felt like I finally had something inside my head beyond just the dark memories and the nightmares. But then something changed for me, and I changed, too..."

Staring at Hank with his tear stained eyes Connor needed to know what had changed in Hank's life. "...What happened?"

"You." Answering honestly Hank told the deviant the absolute truth. "You happened."

Shaking his head a little Connor buried his face atop his knees again as he continued to weep with unbridled pain.

"You saw it for yourself how much I wanted to end it all and how close I am to succeeding. You kept telling me to stop drinking and looking into my painful past since it kept blinding me to my future, and you were right to tell me so. I was walking a path of self destruction and you helped me take a detour to get back on track to a more constructive path through life."

Leaning back a little Connor pressed his right palm over his eye and the red glaring L.E.D. in his temple as he listened to Hank's story.

"I know I promised I'd never hurt you, and I know I broke that promise the moment I put my hands on you, and for that I'm truly sorry. I won't pretend like saying 'sorry' is enough to undo my mistake or earn back your trust, but I won't accept that our fight is the end of our friendship. I meant it when I said trust and respect are both earned and not given, and I'll be damned if I don't go down swinging while attempting to earn back what I lost during every remaining second of my life."

"...I'm sorry for being so blunt." Trying to steady his voice Connor fought to sound less like an emotional wreck and more like a respectable detective. "When I stated that I'm not your son I merely meant to articulate that I dislike being treated as a defenseless child. I wasn't trying to compare myself to-"

"It's okay, I know... I know." Not wanting to hear the name for the sake of sparing his already dark memories from getting any darker Hank sighed and calmly acknowledged the comment. "I shouldn't have reacted like I did. I get it. It's frustrating when people keep talking to you in such a way it makes you feel like there will always be something wrong with you no matter how much progress you make."

"It can't be that simple."

"You're right, it can't." Speaking softly Hank compared Connor's behavior to that of victims of past abuse and it made his heart break all over again. The way Connor was so emotionally stunted, the way he refused to open up and talk about anything out of fear of negative repercussions, and the way he shied away from anything and everything reminded Hank of a child escaping from an abusive home. "You just need the chance to make progress on your schedule and your own pace. Don't let anyone try to control you, or tell you that what you think and feel are wrong."

"But I don't know what to do to make progress. I feel like I've been stuck in a single point in time and I can't move forward."

"That's how I felt before you showed up in my life. I didn't realize how much I was living in the past until you helped me see it."

"What do I do to move on?" Dropping his hand from his eye Connor leaned back as well, his hair resting over the plastic tarp like a cruel reminder to what he almost did. "I don't know what to do."

"Well, from my experience the first thing you should do is find something or someone to focus on instead of your past. It'll help channel your emotions toward a more constructive state of mind."

"But I don't have anything or anyone to focus on."

"Yes you do. Aside from everyone at the precinct counting on you to help them through the day..." Crossing his arms over his chest Hank nodded at Sumo who was sitting outside the opened door still looking as nervous as ever. "You have Sumo who needs you to keep him healthy and take him on walks. You have that little flower in the backyard that needs your help to grow. You have a guitar that needs to be played. Hell, through Lucas you could even have a little brother who needs you to look out for him. Not to mention you still have me."

Closing his eyes Connor let more tears fall as contemplated Hank's words.

"You're not my kid and you never were a kid in general, but I think you could benefit from having a parental figure in your life."

Taking in a deep breath Connor shook his head a little and struggled to remain as stoic as possible.

"No matter where you go in life or what you experience you'll always have a friend in me to rely on and watch your back. It may not feel like it right now because of how royally I fucked up, but it's the truth. And I'll gladly dedicate the rest of my fucked up life to prove it."

Dragging his right hand over his teary eyes again Connor just nodded in response to the promise.

"I also want you to know that it's okay to cry if you feel like you need to cry." Putting his right hand on Connor's left shoulder Hank steadily applied pressure to give the deviant a grounded feeling as he stayed beside him during his darkest hour. "I'm here for you, everything will be alright."

Losing all control Connor broke down again and cried with every ounce of pain he had been trying to deny since the night at the church.

"Come here, kid." Moving his hand Hank wrapped his entire arm around the deviant's shoulder and pulled him up against his side in a comforting motion. For the first time in his life Connor didn't resist and let Hank wrap him up in a hug as he wept in such a deep and painful manner that his entire body shook with his sobs. "It's okay. Just cry and let it out..."

Burying his face against Hank's right shoulder Connor sobbed heavily between his choking breaths and wrapped his arms around Hank's shoulders and neck in a near death-grip as his heart ached with every conscious beat that thundered in his chest.

"It's okay, Connor."

Rubbing his hand in comforting circles over Connor's back Hank closed his eyes and saw, not a horrible image of death or suffering from his most recent nightmare, but of a pleasant moment when he held Cole in his arms after the little boy took his first steps and walked over to him for a proud and loving hug. The positive memory was very welcome and Hank held onto it as tightly as he was holding onto Connor with that very much needed hug.

Subconsciously Hank tightened the hug around Connor as much as he dared. "You're going to be okay, son."

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