This is what I'm hoping will be the 2nd longest Simply Stupid series ever. So it took 13 chapters just to complete the 1st arc and 3000 words for the arc's ending. That was my 3rd arc that I have ever done in Simply Stupid (The first and 2nd being in Stupid Bomberman Rangers). One-shot stories like this one are still canon and part of the chapters... It's just that they will be longer than the usual Simply Stupid story chapter (1k-2k words).
So... Because of the polls staying at the 1-0 status, Quake Woman wins by a landslide. This will happen soon!
Read, Review, and Enjoy!
At the Light Mansion, Mega City, San Diego (August 12, 2019)...
A few weeks passed since the day the Light-bots and Royal Bomberman family rescued their respective family members. Stranded on the planet with nothing else to do, the Bombermen laid back and relaxed until their transports were fixed. Too bad the US government found out about it and threatened to deport them... When Planet Bomber is literally 7,000,000,000 light-years away. Today is the first time the US government tried to deport them.
"You ready for this, Gringo (White boy)?" Cut asked as he and Ice prepared to duel each other through words. They were going to do a Spanish comedy duel. Watching them were Tornado Man/ToTo, Baelfael, Molok, Magnet Bomber, Water Commander, Nitros, Hornet Man/Honey Woman/Honey and Galaxy Man/Galaxy.
"Bring it on, Ramita de naranja (Orange twig)!" Ice retorted as he greabbed a flared and teabagged on a pebble. "Ready? ¡Uno (one)! ¡Dos (two)! ¡Tres (three)-"
"-Are falling!" Cut got a head start as he caused everyone except the Bombermen to laugh. "¡Hueles como los tampones mimados de Honey (You smell like Honey's spoiled tampons)!"
"¡Jódete chico naranja (Screw you, orange boy)! ¡Tu salchicha es una piña (Your sausage is a pineapple!)!"
"*gasp* ¡Mi pene es más grande que el cohete de Gentaro (My dick is bigger than Gentaro's rocket)!"
"¡Ew! ¡Lo suficientemente grande como para patearlo (Big enough for me to kick it)!"
"What the heck are they saying?!" Baelfael whispered to a peeved Honey.
"They are insulting each other... And they even made fun of my private stuff!" The android whined out as she pinched her right antenna. "*sniff sniff* Bleh! My right hand stinks!"
"Tu soy Conde Blancula (You are Count Whiteula)!"
"Tu es pollo naranja (You are orange chicken)!"
In the lab...
"..." Shiro was silent as he sat at a corner, hoping that something good can appear all of a sudden. The door to the infirmary then opened, revealing an exhausted Bo, finishing up on a surgical operation on Aka. "Is it over?"
"*sigh* We do not know yet. You can visit Aka in 5 minutes."
"... Alright then..." Sighing as he fiddled with a wrench, he removed his exo-skeleton's helmet when he was alone and stared at it. "... How can I be a hero if there were any casualties?"
Looking back at his feats, he recalled that lots of people died in multiple crossfires and accidents involving him. MA0, the Super Combined Bombermen, Max, Orion, Sirius, the 4 Bomber-Kings, Great Bomber, Daibon... Basically, he was forced to kill lots of people and many others were killed in his pre-throne days. Shiro walked into the visiting room while whispering to himself.
"Am I really the kind of hero the Bomber Nebula deserves? Should I really be an emperor?" When he walked in, Aka was still resting on a cot, but she smiled when she turned her head to see him.
"Shiro? What are you doing here?"
"Don't you like it when I'm with you?"
"*cough* Yeah... you still need to get back to Planet Bomber..."
"We will, once you get better, oka- I need to get back there? Aka, we're all natives to one planet. You have to come!"
"You do know that I'm segregated by most of the palace staff, right? Even when we were kids?"
"I know... Why mention that though?"
"... You know that Bagura is still out there, right?"
"... *sigh* Yeah... You know I'll be there for you."
"Yeah..."
"Want me to join with you on the cot?" The Daman giggled as she then felt Shiro getting onto the cot to join her.
"Well... I can't say no! I wonder what you look like under your exo-skeleton..."
In the Living Room's 2nd floor (the Kareoke/Theater Wing)...
"Whoa- oh! Whoa- oh- oh! Hooked on a feelin'!" Once again, Guts was singing Hooked on a feeling. Watching them were Kuro, Orioke, Akabo, Ao, Momo, Ki, Mizu, Midori, Splash, Tempo, Plug Man/Outlet, DLN-033/Hype Man/Waltz and DLN-015/Booster Woman/Vivace.
"Doot, doo- doot doot doot~" This time, Rock was pretending to be the trumpet instead of Honey. They were having fun while dicking around though, that's the good part.
"Ah hardly belie~ve it!"
"Doot, doo- doot doot~ *pbbbbbt!*"
"You're in love with me~ I'm hooked on a feeli- *cough cough cough* Aw man! That's just NASTY! N, a, s, t, y, Nasty! What the heck did you eat, Rock?!"
"I didn't eat anything! *sniff! sniff* AHHHH!!! IT'S STINGING MY SENSORS!!! DAD! DID YOU EAT SOMETHING?!" The two Robot Masters then looked at Dr. Light, who was covering his nose.
"No! *cough cough* Metal Man, was that you?!" Said Robot Master took a whiff and felt his eyes feel like they were on fire.
"*snifffffffffffffffffffff! sigh* ... MY EYES!!! IT BURNS!!! STONE! TURN ON THE FAN!!!" Stone Man complied as he smelled the air. Everyone was disturbed by the putrid smell. Infact, Mizu, Splash and Midori were knocked out by the smell, faces planted on the floor!
"*vrrrrrrr! sniff sniff* Guys, that ain't a smell of my Jalapeño-chili-cheese-burger nachos. *sniff* Oh gears..." Everyone in the room stared at Stone for an answer.
"Uh... What?" Vivace whispered out as she then heard some shouting outside the garden... Where Cut, Ice, ToTo, Honey and Galaxy were!
"It's tear gas! ICE is here!"
With Cut, Ice and Honey...
"Hey! Knock it off! They are stranded here!" Galaxy shouted out as he attempted to pry an ICE agent off of Plasma Bomber.
"Sorry, kid, orders are orders!" The agent groaned out before showing his ID badge. "Straight from congress."
"I- Why the hell is the Trump Administration thinking that the Bombermen are illegal immigrants?!"
"We believe that these illegal aliens are armed with weapons."
"That's their natural ability! It's to protect themselves! Right guys?!" Galaxy then pointed at Baelfael and Water Commander, terrified out of their wits, a nervous Molok and an angry Nitros, who wanted to know who was in charge of this operation.
"Yes! We were here under the orders of the Jetter-Guard!" Nitros then shouted out as he stomped over to the ICE agent.
"Jetter-Guard? What is that? Some kind of pretend-police force?"
"No! It's an official inter-galactic task-force! We are here because of the safety of one of our nebula's citizens! 30 Bomber-nebulan citizens! All stranded because of a crazy old man with crazy powers!" The ICE agent did not pay heed to anything Nitros said... It's probably because of how Nitros is around 5'5 and the agent is around 6'1.
"*speaks into a radio... kzzt!* We need back up. All 30 of them are here at LightLabs. *kzzt!* The ICE agent did not waste a moment to call in for more agents to detain the 30 Bombermen.
"*kzzt!* Rodger that. Sending more troops, over! *kzzt!*"
"Grr... Who's in charge of this?! I demand to kn- *Bzzzzzzzzt! hiss* Ow!!!" The agent used a taser to stun Nitros and was blocked by a wall summoned by Molok.
"Nitros, be patient so that Mega Man can negotiate with them." The agent scoffed as he stomped around the barrier.
"*scoffs* Say that when Homeland Secuity is already here." As soon he said that, armored vans rolled up to the garden and started staring at the 11, anticipating their footsteps as to surround them.
"... YOU JUST JINXED IT, MOLOK!!! They're gonna shove us into a faulty rocket and kill us!!! RUN!!!" Water Commander shouted in fear as the ICE strike teams started firing canisters of tear gas at the fleeing group of Robot Masters and techno-organic extraterrestrials. The 11 ran to Honey's tool shed and hid there. "*slam! huff! huff! huff!* Honey! Can you and your brothers teleport us into the 2nd floor?!"
"Yeah! Juat wait! *Badadadadadp!* The 11 teleported in streaks of cubic light as the shed's door was cracked open by the ICE teams.
"Huh? Where did they go?!"
In the lab...
Shiro and Aka are currently sleeping with their helmets off. It's their perk of having a massive infatuation with each other. The only thing that is odd is their posture, since their Daman Marbles were in the way. Feeling a light rumble, Shiro lifted his left eye, seeing Aka's face and then turning his head to the left, feeling the rumble get louder.
"Huh?" The doors then slammed wide open, with all of the 30 (29 cuz' only God knows wtf Molok is... And Regelus is still wearing his helmet) Bombermen running into there and ditched their helmets also. Tanned through pitch-black faces stared at the two as they hid behind the cot.
From what he could tell, everyone was trying to hide from the door. Aka did not wake up though, breathing small amounts of air as she slept. Thing is, no-one other than Shiro's siblings, their dead parents, the Planet Bomber Royal Palace staff and Aka knows what is under his exo-skeleton... So 2/3 of the Bombermen stared at the brunette in shock.
"... Uh... Hi?"
"*nosebleeds...* ... Ooh! Tan looks so good on you, Bomberman! Why don'cha leave your mortal girl for someone like me- *thud*" Zoniha got knocked out by a newly awakened/enraged Akanami after staring at the same guy who killed and revived most of her group at the age of 16.
"F#!% you, cobslut! I may be a mortal, BUT YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT FROM A TV SHOW!!!"
Phantom Bomber then facepalmed his pitch-black face and scoffed.
"hmph! So much for the 'Purifying Light'! You cannot flirt with royalty!"
"*creak!* Sorry guys! The agents are holding Dr. Light as a hostage again! I can't help you guys!" Rock shouted out as he closed the lab doors.
"The heck?! What do you mean 'again'?!" Shiro called out before grabbing a blanket to cover everyone.
"Uh... What he meant to say, Bomberman, is that a wierd organization is trying to kidnap ALL OF US!!!" Artemis shouted out as her dishelved blond hair rose up as to exaggerate what was going on.
"You know guys have my respect... So, just so you guys know, except a certain few of you, my name is Shiro! Emperor Shirobom, to be exact. So quit calling me Bomberman already!"
"Odd name for a mass-murdering vigilante." Regelus grunted out.
"... Big bro? You act like the Batman." Midori commented as he opened one of Waltz's superhero magazines.
"Who the f#!% is the Batma-"
"*slam!* EVERYONE ON YOUR KNEES, NOW!" Everyone but Shiro and Aka complied to the demands of the ICE agent. "I SAID... GET ON YOUR F#!%ING KNEES NOW!"
"*helps Aka get to the floor...* Uh... We have a disabled person in a critical condition. Can you guys be light on all of us?" Facing Shiro with a scoff, the agent pulled out his Beretta APX 9mm pistol and aimed it at Aka's head.
"Casualties are casualti- *zap!* I can't move!" The ICE agent was stunned by an energy wave and fell over, knocked out and revealing a peeved/embarrased Shi-Shi. The Anti-Virus was also wearing a towel covered in ashes and was still on fire.
"SOME IDIOT IN A LARGE BLACK VEST TRIED TO F#!%IN' GROPE ME IN THE BATHTUB!" The Anti-Virus shouted out as she then dropped the towel.
"*squirts out molten copper...* You dropped your towel..." Shiro groaned out as he shielded Momo, Ki, Mizu and Midori's eyes.
"So what?"
"YOU DON'T BECOME NAKED IN PUBLIC!!! Next thing we know, Momo and Mizu over here will start doing that thing Might was talking about to his universe's version of Mizu! None of us wants to see your digital balloon-tits!" Grabbing the towel, Shi-Shi took out the flames and wore the tattered mess. It looked more like a bra than a towel now.
"What happened to me in who's universe?" Mizu piped out as she played with her brown ponytail.
"Aqua, one of the many versions of you in another Bomberman's universe, was kidnapped by an arms dealer and is forced into becoming a prostitute at a young age." That shut the poor girl up, but Shiro had something else to say. "The good part is that the Bomberman from it is going to save your version! Okay, now that that's over, we have to help Rock, pront- Oh sh!t... How?!"
Orioke had an idea. "Hmm... Shiro! I forgot to tell you that there was a new song that came out in Planet Bomber that's about you!"
"Why?"
"It was made by a few of your fans! It can be used for kareoke!" Nitros, Altair and Artemis nodded when they recalled the song.
"... Ok... I guess you guys want me to sing it?"
"Hell yeah! Swear like the royal maniac you are! Here's the kareoke set!" Giving the machine and it's microphone to Shiro, Orioke shows him the lyrics
"Okay... One bomb, two bombs, three bombs... Okay! Let's do it!"
With The Light-bots...
"Where are the aliens?" Captain Nack Taylor, the ICE agent leading the 'escalated' ICE raid, demanded to Rock as said Robot Master and Roll were trying to calm him down so that they can negotiate.
"Oh my f#!%in' *smack!* We just told you! They are in a political exile!!!" Shouted Roll as she tapped her foot on the ground.
"I am demanding their locatio-"
"One, two three! Wussy hussy pussy! Okay! It's on! Hit it!" A voice interupted as the three then stared at a hallway.
(Play IT'S BOMBERMAN by Adventuria...)
"One bomb, two bomb, three bombs- Blown! the name's Bomberman, like you didn't f#!%in' know, I got my~ helmet on and my b!#$es in check!" Shiro sang outloud as he sang the song that Orioke found. "Packed full in ammunition so I get some respect. Take these big #ss boots and kick a bomb to your face!"
"What the hell?! Who is singing a rap song?!" Cpt. Taylor shouted out as he then stared at Rock and Roll.
"I'll make; 9/11 like the 4th o' July! On a rocket ship comin' headin' straight for the bad guys! It's Bomberman! B- B- B- Bomberman! Blowin' sh!t up all across the land!" The song ended abruptly as the 31 Bombermen quietly ran to the bottom floor, grabbing their exo-skeletons in the process.
(Stop the song...)
"Find whoever was singing that and DETAIN them!" Cpt. Taylor roared out as the other agents prepared to grab their gear and detain whoever was in the end of the hallway.
"Whoah, whoah, whoah! Uh... I just heard Break Man teleport them somewhere!" Splash shouted out as she barged into the room, guessing as to where the 31 are at.
"Where are they then?"
"Uh... ALASKA! Yeah! I think he took them and the Bombermen to Alaska!" Cpt. Taylor then groaned and called out to the ICE agent's dispatcher.
"*groan* Break Man teleported them to Alaska! Men? Let's move out."
In Mega Man and Splash Woman's room...
Panting after he sang the 1st stanza of the song, Shiro heard some clapping from the others as he gave Aka a piggyback ride. "*pant pant pant* How did I do?"
"*cough* That was amazing!" Shiro couldn't hear that though. Since Aka's legs were crushing him all of a sudden.
"I CaN't BrEaThE!!!"
"Aka, you paralyzed Daman fat#ss! You are choking Shiro with your naked thighs!" Exclaimed Akabo as he spreaded Aka's legs to let Shiro breathe.
"*gasp* I feel something wet..." Shiro commented as he felt his hair in an awkward position.
"Uh... Can you look the other way, Shiro?" Aka then asked in a flustered tone. After Shiro complied, she took out a wooden hammer, stretched Akabo's antenna stalk and quickly bashed his head with the hammer 10 times.
"*bop!* Ow! *bop!* Ow! *bop!* Ow! *bop!* Stop it! *bop!* Ow! *bop!* Ow! *bop!* Ow! *bop!* Ow! *bop!* F#!$! *bop!* HNG!"
After hitting the groaning Akabo, Aka signaled Shiro to look at her. "Can you sing another stanza?"
(Play IT'S BOMBERMAN's ending stanza...)
"Explodin' mines one bomb at a time! I'll stab ya in the ear if you don't feel my rhyme! It's Bomberman, baby, I'm the cream of the crop!" Shiro then gestured his crotch... Which Aka drooled at. "I'm gonna need a crowbar to get your b#!$ of my cock! Do a little jig n' blow a hole in your face. Disco dance to Prince and take a leak on your grave! If you ain't feelin' me b#!$, I don't give a f#!%-! I'll kick ya in the face if you don't step off my nuts!"
(End the song...)
Grinning like a maniac to a song that sounded like a death threat, the ladies that are not related to Shiro (Shi-Shi does not count she's technically the digital version of him from another Dimension!) stared at him with stars and hearts in their eyes. The closest to actually fondling Shiro was Zoniha once more, who was gently pushed to the side by Shiro after she stared at him for too long.
"If you continue staring at me like that, Zoniha, I'm gonna make the last stanza real!"
"*pfft!* Welcome to Pornhub, kiddies!" The Elemental Knight slurred as she pulled out Splash's cellphone. Said Robot Master flopped in like a fish to grab the phone.
"*groans...* Were you watching smut... ON MY NEW CELLPHONE?!" Zoniha then stuttered.
"Wh- What? Haha... *sweatdrops...* I- I didn't d- do that!"
"Hmph! You guys... Minus Aka and the Royal Bombermen! You guys are lucky that the ICE agents left after I said that all of you were teleported by Blues over to Alaska!" Shiro then sighed in relief after a pregnant feeling of silence.
"... *sigh* Thanks for helping us, Splash Woman!"
"No probs! When Blues gets here though... *sweats a little* Uh... Tell him that it was Oil's idea... Not me!" The android then flopped off to the Kareoke wing once more, prompting everyone to wonder what the hell happened.
Simply Stupid one-shot end...
Chapter 14 end...
Sorry everyone, but the references are a little too obvious this time- But one of them is a Borderlands 2 quote!
That's all, folks!