Disclaimer: I own nothing.

EPOV

I had been wandering aimlessly for five months straight. It was now nearing the end of June and I was sick of this pointlessness. I felt hollow and empty—a half-life version of myself. I longed for the utter completion I had found in Bella's presence but I knew that was not an option. I was toxic to her. I found myself missing my family more and more every day but the way I missed Bella eclipsed that immeasurably. I needed to find some way to place some meaning back into my life—to give me some sense of purpose.

I had been running from Alice's visions for so long, I somehow wound up in Ithaca without thinking. Carlisle and Esme had a house here and it didn't take long for me to take the sheets off the furniture and clean off the layers of dust that had collected. I had always liked it here and decided that I would reach out to Alice—to see if she would let me be.

When I called, I could sense how much she missed me. I assured her I loved and missed her too but I also needed her to know how tired I was. I needed a rest, some time to myself to collect my thoughts. I had hoped that she would respect my wishes and she lived up to those hopes. I really didn't give my family enough credit. Though I knew most of what was going on through Rosalie's daily voicemails, I couldn't bear to ask about how things were going with Bella. I lived for the news of my girl and yet I couldn't bring myself to gather enough courage to ask directly. Instead, I made Alice promise that she would keep Bella away and then let her wish me luck before hanging up.

Wallowing in my own self-pity for months now, I decided it was time for a change. Maybe getting another degree was the answer. Seeing as my mental state of mind was anything but sound, I bitterly thought psychology would be perfect. I didn't know how long I was planning on sticking around but I could always go on and get another Masters…another Doctorate. Maybe then I could do this world some good—I could help ease the mental anguish of others the way I couldn't help myself.

I had a lot of work to do in order to be accepted into Cornell for the fall. Jasper usually handled all of the false documentation, but I was on my own this time. I could've asked for help but I really didn't want to. I was perfectly capable of forging my own documents anyway. It was hardly a challenge getting in past the deadline—I granted the school an obscene amount of money in honor of my family and I was in. The new library would now bear our names—a permanent mark of my self-induced banishment.

Though I was busy getting everything ready for the start of school in the fall, I still had downtime. These were the moments that got the best of me, when I had absolutely nothing to do but think. I replayed the days after Bella's accident over and over. I scrutinized every detail, looking for anything I could've done to avoid what had happened. Because of me she hadn't died. I had accepted that part. Beyond saving her life, I wasn't sure what good had come from my intervention. I had stopped her death, sure, but in return she had been sentenced to something much, much worse.

The worst part of all was thinking of that day. I would forever be the reason Bella became a murderer. I had practically begged for an accident that day—my excitement and stubbornness clouding my judgment. I should have taken her to a place away from humans. I shouldn't have taken her alone.

I was depressed and regretful for much of my time; however, moments of happiness did have their place in my life. I loved hearing of Bella's progress from Rosalie's messages, though Rose still made it abundantly clear that I was the worst thing to ever happen to the poor girl. I could also hear how much happier my whole family had become since Bella's recovery. I found happiness thinking of my Bella—how beautiful she had been. Thinking of the exact color of her hair, the feel of her body, the look she gave me while hunting.

I often thought back to that day. Much of my overall thought patterns were negative but there was also the joy and possessiveness that had erupted from me at the sight of her hunting. I had felt things when she woke that I'd never felt before in my entire existence and I held on to those feelings as tightly as possible. I would never see her again, never feel those things again, but to have felt that kind of love in the first place was much more than I deserved.

I received a phone call from Carlisle about a week before school. I knew that Alice had kept my secret since Rosalie's messages had taken on a new theme: where in the world was Edward Cullen. Carlisle had truly surprised me by calling so I decided to answer.

"Edward," he sighed in relief. "I cannot convey how happy I am that you decided to speak with me."

I laughed.

"I've missed you, Carlisle, but you and I both know that I can't come home," I replied sadly.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that. I think that coming home is completely up to you. You will always be welcome here. You are my son and you always will be." Carlisle's tone had become thick with emotion. "Though we all miss you tremendously, I also know that you've decided to be without us all for the time being and we will respect that."

"Thank you. I asked Alice to keep my plans secret but I want to tell you where I am. I miss you all, too, and I don't want to remain wholly separated if possible." I stopped to take a breath. "Plus, it would be nice to hear updates from someone other than Rosalie."

At that comment, Carlisle chuckled.

"Yes, I suppose her approach is rather callous. The underlying intention is there—she cares for you and she cares for her family. She wouldn't begrudge you if you decided to come back."

"I don't think that will be happening anytime soon. I'm starting at Cornell again in the fall. I'll be majoring in Psychology along with half the freshman class it seems."

"Ah yes, I do have a fondness for the inner workings of the human mind," Carlisle quipped.

After a slight pause, he shifted his questions.

"Esme and I would like to come to you. Your absence takes a great toll on her, you know. It would just be the two of us…I promise that the rest would remain and look after Bella."

I was taken aback by his unexpected proposition. I couldn't deny that I longed for the familiarity of my parents, but I also felt that I needed to be separate—to really do this on my own.

In the end, my heart won out over my mind and I accepted his request. I felt lighter than I had in a while, knowing my parents would be here soon and that I was taking steps towards affecting the world in a small, positive way. Though I was in no way feeling at ease or guilt free, I finally felt like I could begin to crawl out of the pit of despair I had hidden in for the last five months. For the first time in a while, I was able to take a deep breath and not feel so alone.