Disclaimer: I own nothing.

BPOV

You know that moment when you are waking from a dream and you can feel the memory of it slip away with each added second of consciousness? That's how I felt coming out of what Rosalie was referring to as my "haze". As the days passed, I could remember less and less of my state of mind during that time. I could still remember every single detail of everything that happened leading up to the moment when he left, but after that, it's a blur and it only became murkier as more time went by.

Jasper told me to be thankful for this—to be thankful that I forgot. He said that what happened to me was unlike anything he'd ever seen before, and he'd seen a hell of a lot. Carlisle thought that I'd experienced my threshold of trauma and that my mind had quite simply shut down to protect itself but no one could really be sure.

I've tried getting it out of Jazz, but he still wouldn't talk to me about what it was like. I know now that he has the ability sense the emotions of those around him and he seemed rather troubled over what I must have put him through. Other than this refusal to let me in that information, Jasper had become my confidant. He understood me better than anyone else in the Cullen house, and that was saying a lot.

It was almost as if I'd found my second family. I was accepted and cared for and loved in a way that rivaled my real family. I missed Charlie and Renee fiercely but Alice had explained that there would be no going back. To see me alive would do more harm to them than any harm I caused in letting them believe the lie. I still had Alice check in on both of them for me, but like I said, I wanted for nothing.

Alice and Rosalie were my sisters in the truest sense. I'd always been an only child and therefore you'd think having a new set of siblings would take some adjustment time. This was absolutely not the case—even with Emmett. I couldn't believe that when I first arrived here in Forks I'd been intimidated by the lot of them; Rosalie's beauty, Jasper's intensity, Alice's enthusiasm and Emmett's sheer size. The truth is that Emmett was a giant softy on the inside and never failed to make me laugh, Jasper was a true friend and smart as hell, Alice was everything happy I never knew I needed in my life and Rose took care of me like a best friend never had before.

Carlisle and Esme had been wonderful too, but it seemed as though Esme was still very sad. They'd been the ones to sit down with me after my haze and explained what had happened in thorough details. It was very painful to hear them speak of Edward and to confirm that he had indeed left because of me—because of what happened. It was one of the worst conversations I'd had in my short life but it was made at least somewhat bearable by the compassion the two of them showed me. They promised that none of the family bore me any resentment and that I would forever be a Cullen, despite Edward's actions.

Esme took me into her arms and hugged me as if I were her own daughter. She promised to help me redecorate my new room. That was lovely and I was grateful to have my own space that finally felt like me. Though I loved my new family, I was still an introvert and I loved my time spent alone, getting lost in a book or discovering new music.

It seemed I could move on, if only my heart would let me. I still felt like something huge was missing but I tried really hard to put on a brave face. Every day, the four of my new siblings would teach me fantastic and wonderful things about this new life. I learned so much in those months and I was feeling like maybe I could do this whole vampire thing after all. I still wouldn't hunt, though. I would never put myself in that position ever again.

As the summer drew to a close, Carlisle surprised us all by calling us in for a family meeting. Alice had a forced, impassive look on her face, which told me right then and there that she already knew what was coming.

"So, I called Edward," he stated. He sat back, knowing that he had dropped a bomb on the entire family. Aside from our first conversation when I woke up from my haze and Rosalie's voicemails (yes, I knew about those), none of us ever talked about him. It hurt way too much. "I apologize, Bella, but you need to hear this."

Suddenly all six pairs of golden eyes were trained on me, looking for my reaction.

"Um," I responded not-so-eloquently, "I…I'll be okay. Please, go on."

Rose squeezed my hand under the table.

"Well, he called Alice quite some time ago asking if she could keep a secret. Apparently, trying to hide from Alice is exhausting." The family laughed nervously at this while I stared Alice down. She wouldn't look at me. "He's decided to go back to school at Cornell and is staying at our family home in Ithaca. I think he said he is trying to instill some normalcy back into his life."

Carlisle paused and looked around the table. Alice's eyes were cast downward—clearly she'd kept this secret from all of us. Jasper seemed unfazed, so maybe she had told him. Rose looked enraged and Emmett was smiling. Esme looked a bit nervous, to be honest, and I couldn't figure out what in the world she had to be nervous about.

"Carlisle and I don't think he should be alone right now," Esme paused. "I know some of you may become very upset, thinking of us leaving to go to him, but he is a member of this family and right now he needs us."

At this point, Esme looked directly in my eyes.

"Sweetheart, we've waited as long as we could. We waited for you to get better and for you to be in a healthy place where we feel Rose, Alice, Emmett and Jasper can take care of you. I hope you don't resent us for the fact that we are going to him, but I must make sure my son is okay. Do you understand?"

I was taken aback. She was asking if I was okay with her leaving me to chase after her lost son. The son who'd left me alone to face everything I'd done? The son who'd left me alone when all I wanted was him? I could feel myself about to explode with anger when unexpectedly I could feel Jasper calming me down.

"Easy, Bella."

The momentary peace allowed my mind to process and I decided that it wasn't Esme and Carlisle I was mad at—it was him. I was so, so angry at him but they were just being parents. If I thought of what Charlie would do if I were in Edward's place then it all made sense.

"No, no. I'm sorry—I can handle myself," I said as I turned towards Carlisle and Esme. "I am not mad at you. How could I be angry at you after everything you've done for me? I wouldn't be here without you. I am extremely hurt by him and if you go, please just promise that when you get back you tell me nothing of what is happening to him. I can't bear it."

At this point, I would've been sobbing had I still had the ability to cry. Rose hugged my shoulders.

"I understand that you need to go—he's your son. And…I…I'll miss you while you are gone," I stated lamely, attempting to smooth things over while pulling myself together.

Carlisle nodded to me and Esme hopped out of her seat and came over to embrace me. I knew that these two people had more goodness in them than a majority of the human population and that I would forever be indebted to them for their mercy. At this moment though, I couldn't help but feel an intense amount of resentment towards their son.

So he's living life as if nothing's happened, moving across country, going to college—an Ivy League college to be exact—and his wonderful parents were coming for a visit. Had I meant so little to him that he could just leave me after what he'd done?

I had to get away for a while so I went into the back yard to clear my mind. I wanted to go further, but my fear of murdering another innocent person kept me on the property. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up as Jasper approached me from behind.

"Is it just me or does someone owe it to you to stick around once they've saved your life?" I questioned him.

"Bella, you know he felt very strongly for you. I know you heard everything he said as you were turning. You didn't make that up."

"Then how could he leave me? How is it even possible to feel like that about someone and then just leave them the second they make a mistake? Why wouldn't he stay, help me through it? Why did he leave?"

Jasper sat me down on the grass with our backs to the house.

"I couldn't read his mind Bella, but I could feel his emotions those first few days. Even before bringing you home, he felt guilty. He felt like he had sentenced you to a life as a soulless monster—for that is how he always viewed himself. I could also feel his utter devotion to you, and although neither of you could grasp it at the time, his love."

At this remark, I scoffed loudly. Love. What did Edward know about love? Nothing.

"I know you don't want to hear it, Bella," he started again, "but he did love you and I think that is what made what happened so much worse. Because he cared about you so, he felt doubly responsible for what happened to that man in the woods. In his eyes, you were innocent and he was a negligent criminal for having created you and then failing to keep you safe."

"Keep me safe?" I interjected, "I was the dangerous one!"

"I think you misunderstand me, Bella. He wanted to keep you safe from ever feeling as low as you felt that day. He wanted to protect you from the guilt that I know you've carried with you every day since you killed that man. That is what he wanted to keep you safe from."

How incredibly screwed up could he be. As Jasper revealed Edward's rationale, I found myself getting even more upset.

"How could he possibly think that leaving would aide me in any way then, if he knew how terrible I would feel?" I got up and started pacing in front of Jasper's feet. "And why, tell me, didn't he ever come back? I can understand taking a break, needing time away from a situation to get your head on straight but why wouldn't he then come home? It sounds as though he is perfectly content to just stay away forever."

Jasper looked up at me with a sad expression as I continued to rant.

"It's as if this all means nothing to him—his family, his life, his home. It all means nothing. And on top of leaving you all with the mess of his absence, he was able to just leave me. He's just gone."

I was angry and hurt but I was also supremely disappointed. I needed him to be here. I needed him to feel whole again. Jasper had Alice, Carlisle had Esme and Rose had Emmett—how was I supposed to live surrounded by this? How had he not thought of me once while he was gone? How had he not seen by now that staying away was doing more harm to me than good? How?

I sat down on the grass again and leaned into Jasper as I silently sobbed.

"I know, Bella." He stroked my hair as I wallowed. "Believe me, honey, I know."

I let myself be comforted by Jasper's soothing presence as I drowned in questions and thoughts of Edward once again.