Disclaimer: I own nothing.

CH 14

BPOV

I felt worthless. After all my new family had done for me, I was asking them for the one thing they weren't willing to give me.

Alice had insisted I take a warm bubble bath. "Extra bubbles" Alice demanded. She knew I needed some alone time to work through my thoughts.

I hadn't ever thought I would come to the conclusion I did in that restaurant but the shock of thinking I had seen him left me feeling unexpectedly hopeful. I knew I needed closure from the worst day of my life. How would I ever be able to move on and fully live this life without knowing why he left me? Why bother changing me at all just to leave? I had been around mated vampires long enough now to know what they all had anticipated for us. And if I was being honest with myself, I had glimpsed the possibility of that, too.

A blessing and a curse of being a vampire was my perfect memory. Though I was blissfully unaware of the time during my "haze", I remembered that day with perfect clarity. I remembered the feeling of being near him and how attuned to his every movement I was. I remembered the way I had noticed my urges around him that I had never before felt for anyone else. It was scary and electrifying. Before the incident, that day was the most alive I had ever felt in my life. Ironic, huh?

I felt myself slipping into self-pity again. Though I had played my part well, I was not happy. Sure, I had moments of happiness and even moments where I felt loved, but there was always something in the background that wouldn't let me feel whole. It was like there was a giant hole in my chest that was slowly trying to seal back up. At times, I felt it was almost there. Planning this new college experience with my family had felt really good and I had felt excitement for the first time since he left. But it still wasn't enough. Being around Alice and Jasper and Rose and Emmett was really painful. I knew they tried to hide it around me but being surrounded by perfect matches tended to make one think about what they didn't have. I didn't have a lot.

I also wished I could have had some closure with my human life. Though the thoughts and feelings I had before my transition were still there, they were very faint. I did still feel guilt and pain thinking of my parents, but I knew I could never see them again. I couldn't help but think that if Edward had stayed, and we had gotten a chance to figure out what we were, I could have dealt with the pain of my losses. Instead, I had been thrust into a world of pain and misery with no end. I don't even remember how I started to emerge from that fog, but I was eternally grateful for my adoptive family being there for me when I did.

Which brought me back to where I started. I would have to talk to them and let them know what I wanted and why. I kept thinking of Rose and how angry she was but I knew in my heart it wasn't directed towards me.

I had a feeling they would do anything I asked them to. Maybe it was time to show them I could handle this? If I could give hunting another shot, maybe they would see that I could also handle seeing him again? I had been surprised at my own self-control around humans. Thinking back to that day, I knew it had been the newborn bloodthirstiness and my extreme emotions that had led to the disaster. I also knew that I would've been able to make it through so much better if he were with me. I began to feel that acute loneliness that only came when I thought of him once more.

I got out of the tub and dried myself off while heading towards my room to get ready for what was going to be a very hard conversation.

They were all waiting around the dining room table when I came downstairs. I actually giggled out loud at the absurdity of it all.

Rosalie arched her perfect eyebrow at me, probably wondering what was so funny.

Alice saved me (as usual) and started the conversation, knowing how awkward it would be if I did.

"So, I think you all are up to speed but we need to talk about Bella seeing Edward again".

I internally forced myself to remain still as she said his name. If I cringed every time, there's no way they would believe I could do this.

Jasper gave me a knowing look and sent me a wave of calm assurance. I nodded back to him. I could do this.

"Thanks, Alice. I know this may seem completely crazy but I think I need to. I need some answers."

Rose cut in next. "We know that, Bella. I believe you deserve those answers. I just want to make sure you understand what could happen if you see him again," she replied as she looked at me with concern in her eyes.

I was overwhelmed by her care for me. If I could cry, I probably would have.

"I can't tell you how much it means to me that you want to protect me like that, Rose. But I have to live my life. I can't live it if I don't have some sort of closure around this. I don't know how else to explain it."

"Do you think you can forgive him?" Emmett asked me earnestly.

"I don't think I can even know that answer until I know the whole story," I responded in a somber tone.

We all looked to Alice. "I told you already, I can't see exactly what will happen. I can't even see that it will happen. I don't know if Edward will say yes to seeing you".

I hadn't even thought of that. I could feel my heart deflate as I considered the fact that he left me and had stayed away this whole time. Why did I think that he would want to see me just because I was wanting that now?

"Easy, Bella," Jasper warned. He could feel the downward spiral again.

I let out a big sigh.

Emmett asked what to do next while squeezing my hand. Our faces all pointed towards Alice again. Times like these, I was really glad I had no special power. It seemed like a lot of pressure.

"Rosalie needs to call Edward."

Rose's perfect mouth fell open. Emmett closed it for her with his hand while laughing. It made me smile too.

"For what reason would I be the one to do this?" she asked incredulously.

"He expects your voicemails and will definitely listen. He listens to them all," Alice quipped back. My heart lurched at that. "If anyone else tries to call, he'll know something is up and avoid it."

What a stubborn ass. I wish I had known him better to have formed a better opinion of him before calling him something like that but the depth of his betrayal was astounding to me. It reminded me that he hadn't just left me, he had left all of them. His family. Like I said, stubborn ass.

Jasper was laughing at the emotions coming off me and said "I think we should listen to Alice".

"Of course you do!" Rosalie bit back and stuck out her tongue. She seemed to pause a moment and turned towards me.

"Bella, if you really want this and need this, I'll do it. I'd do anything to make things easier for you. But I need to know you won't fall apart if it doesn't go how you want."

"I don't know what I want—I just know I need to do this. Please, Rose."

That seemed to seal the deal. She was about to get up to make the call when I blurted out that I also wanted to try hunting. All four vampires looked at me in complete and total shock? It was quite unsettling.

"Bella, I think that's a great idea." Jasper smiled widely at me. He knew my fears and I could tell he'd be the one to go with me when it was time.

Alice smiled at us. "It'll work. You're ready. You've been the only thing holding yourself back all this time. It's all firming up now…" she trailed off as she got lost in her head again.

I needed some time away again and made an excuse to go outside. Before I left the room, I went around to each and every one of them and hugged them. I thanked them and slipped out of the house to the backyard. I didn't want to be around for the phone call Rose was about to make.