Disclaimer: I own nothing.

CH 15

EPOV

I was clicking through my email, and looking into the syllabus for an upcoming class. It was weird to think that I would be going back to college in a few weeks. I had been through this many times and couldn't help but feel this solution was like a small bandage on a gaping wound. I knew I needed to move forward and keep living but the will to do much beyond the minimum was gone.

Being around Carlisle and Esme had somewhat brought me back. I was at least showering and feeding myself regularly but I still felt like a zombie walking through the world aimlessly. College would be my focus for now, though it would hardly be a challenge at all. I just needed something to occupy my thoughts for some amount of time to distract myself from the endless wallowing.

I sighed as I saw Rosalie's name light up my phone. I both relished and dreaded these calls. I knew I would get to hear about Bella, which always both hurt me and brought me hope. But it was like a scab that you couldn't help but pick over and over. It wouldn't ever fully heal if I never left it alone. I didn't want to leave it alone. I didn't deserve to heal.

Once the voicemail notification popped up, I hit play, anxious to hear what was going on with Bella.

"Hi asshat. I know you probably are expecting my usual but I have some news for you today and I really need you to listen. I wish you had just picked up the phone but you're still acting like a coward so I guess I'll just leave this and hope you call me back. Its important and it's about Bella. Call me back, Edward. Please."

There was something in Rosalie's tone that made me pause. Her typical messages were full of vitriol and anger but this was different. Her pleading tone made me hesitate. I decided to call her.

"Wow, you finally deigned me with a response. Thanks."

"What is going on?" I didn't bother to return to her jab.

I could hear her sign heavily on the line. "I am going to ask you something. I need you to hear me and I need you to be open. Can you do that?"

Her words made me wary. I was on guard immediately.

"I am not going to promise you anything, Rosalie," I replied.

"Fuck, Edward!" I could hear her angry breaths on the other line. "It's hard enough to deal with everything here without you. We haven't asked anything of you in months. We haven't seen you in months. You just disappeared and literally did everything in your power to make sure we wouldn't find you. You owe it to us and you owe it to her to listen. Please."

I couldn't recall the last time Rosalie had said please to me and now she had said it multiple times in one phone call.

"I called you back and I'm listening." I didn't know what else to say. It was hard enough to even be speaking to Rosalie knowing that Bella could be listening. I steeled myself to remain on the phone.

"She wants to see you," she said quietly.

My breath left my body in a loud whoosh. I knew I wasn't capable of passing out but I felt close.

"What do you mean?" I questioned.

"I mean exactly what I said, Edward. She wants to see you."

I couldn't think straight. Millions of possibilities flooded my mind.

"Why?" Why would she want that?

Rosalie laughed bitterly on the other end. "What do you mean, "why"? She has questions, Edward. Questions only you can answer. She puts on a brave face for us but she is not okay. I know you've been listening to my voicemails. How could you possibly think she is okay? She needs to see you."

I was silent for an extended pause. I couldn't do this. I wouldn't do this.

"No, Rose, I can't," was all I said back and promptly hung up the phone.

I heard that Esme had been lingering in a nearby room, waiting for me to acknowledge her before she came in.

"Esme, its fine," I called out.

She came into the room quickly, worry creasing her forehead.

Do you think you should think about this, honey?

"Think about what? I can't possibly see her. There is no point," I responded dejectedly.

Her thoughts jumbled into a mass of concern and pity.

I know you care for her, Sweetheart. You can't run away from this forever.

Esme came to stand next to me and put her hands on either side of my face, forcing me to look into her eyes.

You need this as much as Bella does. I've seen how you've been, son. I know you are living a half-life right now. And I also know how you like to punish yourself so for things that can easily be worked through. She is your mate. She will understand—but only if you let her in. Please let her in.

I took her hands and pulled them away from my face as I looked away in shame.

"I don't deserve it. I don't deserve her forgiveness or her happiness. Its better for her if I'm not around to ruin things."

Esme chuckled, shaking her head at me. Such a dramatic boy. She sighed.

I smiled weakly back at her and pulled her into a hug.

"I'll think about it. I can't promise anything but I'll think about it."

"That's all I'm asking, sweet boy. You mean more to me than you can imagine. I want to see you happy. Despite what you say, you deserve to be happy. She is your happiness and you are hers. Don't let your self-doubt stand in the way of that."

As she pulled away from me, she gave me another look of pure understanding and love and gave me my space.

Left alone again, I let my mind wander. What if I did see her again? What would happen? I supposed I could call Alice and find out but I couldn't help but think that was cheating.

Just then, a text popped up on my phone.

Totally cheating! It was from Alice

Another text came in immediately after.

I miss you, by the way. Stop being stubborn.

I miss you too. We'll see.

I do see…and I think you should just accept it and let me tell you when and where. J

I rolled my eyes. Betting against Alice was a futile effort. This proved that I wasn't strong enough to stay away.

I don't know if I can do this Alice.

You can. It's the only way forward. Let me help.

Dread and something that felt a bit like anticipation filled my thoughts.

Okay. Help me, please.

I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding and called my sister.