Past

Chapter Seven: The Decision

Two months later, the war ended.

The occasion was marked by Hiruzen's retirement and the instatement of the fourth leader of the Senju force: Minato Namikaze.

Kakashi supposed that the rumors he had heard so long ago from Asuma weren't all that far fetched after all.

It seemed as if the entirety of the village had turned up to watch his sensei's coronation ceremony, civilians and shinobis alike. Shinobis, mostly out of respect and awe of Minato's prowess on the battlefield. Civilians, from hearing the stories and painting him as one of the heros who ended the almost decade long war.

Peace, such a foreign concept for the younger generation, but was thoroughly welcomed among all generations.

Even amidst a sea of people, Kakashi felt utterly alone. Even if the entire village had turned up for the ceremony, one of the few people Kakashi cared about didn't.

His father's absence wasn't a strange feeling; it had occurred so frequently that it was a normality for Kakashi, yet the excuse of war was no longer viable.

If it wasn't for the fact that Kakashi knew that his sensei would want him there, Kakashi wouldn't have bothered to have shown up at all. Yet as he stood rigidly in his spot while he waited for the ceremony to begin, his dark eyes couldn't help but sweep over his surroundings.

People, of all ages, clustered together. Some were families, some were Academy classmates, some were teammates, some were friends, some were comrades from the battlefields…

He had no one. That was, until Asuma found his way to Kakashi's side and tugged him along to join a group of his peers. Kakashi vaguely recognized them from the Academy, but having spent only a year in the Academy didn't afford him much time to become acquaintances with any of them.

His shoulders were hunched as he shoved his hands into his pockets, standing rigidly behind Asuma. From the moment that he had returned with Kakashi in tow, Asuma had easily jumped into the conversation between Raidou and Genma, who had been engaged in a heated debate, tossing out various speculations on how the war had ended.

It wasn't a strange topic for conversation. Just last month, the war seemed to be going strong, perhaps even intensified following the botched ambush at Kyoshi Pass.

Kakashi could tell they were holding back; Genma and Raidou kept shooting furtive glances in his direction. All three of them were deliberately skirting the topic of the failed ambush mission.

Even two months later, the incident was still fresh on everyone's mind. For Sakumo, it was the neverending guilt and remorse that haunted him continually, day and night. For Kakashi, it was seeing his father spiraling down the path of no return, hardly a shadow of his former glory. For others, it was constantly hearing the incident on the shinobi's lips.

"Hey, so your sensei is going to be the next leader," Genma said, completely changing topics. Kakashi's head snapped upwards when it registered in his mind that Genma had been addressing him. "How do you feel?"

"Proud," Kakashi murmured. "It has always been sensei's dream." And Kakashi really was proud of his sensei, even if he couldn't seem to muster up a single ounce of happiness.

"How did you do it? My old man always said that Minato san had no intention of taking on any students, yet he seemed to take a liking to you."

"Tou san and sensei are friends," Kakashi absently responded, not missing the way he almost choked over the mention of his father. The slightly alarmed expression on Raidou's face, the way Genma averted his eyes, and Asuma's awkward clearing of his throat made it abundantly clear that all three were uncomfortable in giving a response to that.

Minato had chosen that time to make his appearance, saving the three of them from having to continue down the awkward train of conversation.

Cheers erupted from all sides as the lanky man approached, donning a cloak over his traditional battle gear along with a triangle shaped hat with the kanji for Senju etched upon the very tip. If it was even possible, the cheers became even louder when Minato lifted the hat off of his head, revealing the bright smile stretched across his face. Kakashi didn't join in the cheers or the applause, but a warm feeling welled up in his chest as he watched his sensei deliver his speech so effortlessly.

Minato Namikaze had won over the entire village.

Minato marked the end of the ceremony by bowing to the entire village, with promises of maintaining peace for as long as he could. Then he turned, the tail end of his cloak fluttering into the wind as he walked away from the ledge of the roof and to where Kushina was waiting, tears brimming in the corner of her eyes.

Hiruzen watched fondly as Minato engulfed Kushina in a hug, the latter muttering all sorts of congrats for achieving his childhood dream.

The future had never seemed brighter.

The entire house was engulfed in darkness when Kakashi arrived home following the end of the ceremony. The celebration party was happening now, with only Minato's closest friends in attendance. Kakashi had been invited and initially he had no interest in going, but had ultimately been guilted by Kushina into attending.

But first, he wanted to check on his father.

Kakashi didn't bother to flick on the light in the living room; he knew his father would be in his bedroom. His bare feet padded quietly across the wooden floor on his way to his father's room, only to stop short when he saw a glimpse of silver hair in the kitchen.

He whirled his head around to see his father slumped over the kitchen table, swirling the contents of a glass of water in his right hand. His dark eyes seemed to be completely fixated on the movement of the liquid sloshing in the container.

Sakumo didn't even look up as Kakashi slid into the seat across from him.

"The war is over."

Sakumo hummed in response.

"The ceremony for Minato sensei was today. I thought you would have gone."

"Give your sensei my regards," Sakumo murmured, so quietly that Kakashi had to strain to make out the words. "It would have been better if I didn't appear and ruin the mood."

Kakashi wanted to argue that it wouldn't have, but flashes of the villager's treatment towards him appeared in his mind. Even the few times that Sakumo had left the house, going to lengths to take the lengthier back roads, the encounters had ended so badly each time. Kakashi wouldn't have put it past them to have another go at his father, despite the occasion.

Even with the conclusion of the war, the simmering resentment towards his father still persisted.

"Are you hungry?"

"No. I just needed some fresh air."

Kakashi didn't bother to point out that going outside would have been better. At least willingly leaving his room for a longer period of time was a start, considering it had been a month and a half since his father had gotten any sunlight.

This was a start.

Though normally he wasn't a verbose person, Kakashi began to describe the entire ceremony to fill the silence. When he spotted his father's lips curling up into a small smile, it encouraged him to continue with the story, before moving on to recalling the moment that his sensei told Kakashi the news when he first found out.

"Isn't there a celebration happening?" That question had caught Kakashi by surprise, but he quickly recovered from his shock.

It was the first time in a long time that his father would say something without being prompted to. In fact, he even seemed more attentive to what Kakashi was saying today. Perhaps, the end of the war had helped to alleviate some of the burden and guilt.

"Yes."

"Why aren't you there?" Sakumo questioned.

"I wanted to check up on you first," Kakashi confessed.

Sakumo lazily waved his hand around in the air. "You don't have to worry about me. I must be a terrible father, making my son worry about me. It should be the other way around."

Kakashi opened his mouth, ready to protest that he hadn't been a terrible father, but Sakumo cut him off.

"Do you hate me?"

There was no hesitation in his response. "No."

Silence lapsed between the two of them for a couple of seconds while Kakashi struggled to find the words to express his true thoughts.

"I still don't understand why you did it," Kakashi began slowly. "But you're only human. Humans make mistakes all the time, so I don't think you should be condemned for it for the rest of your life."

"A grave mistake," Sakumo murmured. "A lot of people would still be alive if it hadn't been for me. If I only had done what I should have done."

"Why?" Such a simple question, one that Kakashi had driven himself crazy trying to find the answer to. And now was his chance to finally get the answer he had been searching for.

For the first time during their conversation, Sakumo looked up, making eye contact with Kakashi. A ghost of a smile graced his lips.

"I love you."

Three simple words sent all of the defenses that Kakashi had erected around his heart crumbling. Tears pricked the corner of his eyes, but he blinked in a couple of times in order to keep the tears at bay.

"The scout...was a young boy. About your age," Sakumo continued. "When I went to kill him...I thought, what if it had been you in that position? I hesitated and he got away."

"Tou san…"

Of all the reasons that Kakashi had come up with, he had never thought it would have been because of him.

Sakumo was eyeing him carefully. "Now shoo and go to the celebration. Today is supposed to be a happy day for you. You're not supposed to be crying."

Kakashi laughed, furiously brushing away the tears. His father wasn't the legendary White Fang for nothing; of course he would notice the tears that he tried to hide.

"Are you sure?"

Sakumo nodded. "I'll be here when you get back."

Kakashi left the house, feeling a lot happier than he had been for the past two months. His father was getting better.

It was a good start.

Kakashi slight change in demeanor hadn't gone unnoticed by his sensei, who had taken it upon himself to pull Kakashi aside in the middle of his celebration party. Kakashi allowed his sensei to tug him along with his arm, recognizing that Minato was taking him to his bedroom.

After ushering Kakashi inside, Minato pulled the door shut, drowning out the noises of the celebration going on in the living room. While Minato activated the soundproof seals plastered on the walls, Kakashi took a seat on the edge of the bed.

"What is it, Minato sensei?" Kakashi questioned, as his fingers played with the edge of the sheet. Was he going to scold him for arriving halfway through the celebration? Or maybe Minato was angry that Kakashi didn't stick around after the ceremony like he should have? Or-

Minato cut off his train of thought. "I was worried about you because I couldn't find you after the ceremony. I thought maybe something had happened to you."

The blonde haired man let out a tiny sigh along with a small shake of his head. When he lifted his head upwards again, Kakashi could make out the faint smile on his sensei's face. Minato took a seat next to Kakashi, the mattress dipping significantly from his added weight. Kakashi shifted slightly, turning to look at his sensei's blue eyes.

"I'm glad that you're happier now." A mixture of relief, pride, and happiness shone through in Minato's eyes. Kakashi didn't even have to ask how he knew; of course he did, he was their new leader after all. Aside from his father, Minato was possibly the only other person who could read Kakashi like an open book.

"Tou san…" Kakashi began softly, struggling to find the words. "He's getting better."

Minato placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "I'm sure Sakumo san will get better with time now that the war is over. Kushina will be pleased to hear that. When you think he's up to having visitors again, Kushina and I can come over, if that's alright with you."

Kakashi nodded vigorously. Only five people in the village didn't scorn Sakumo for his actions and Minato and Kushina were two of them. It would do his father some good for him to know that not everyone besides Kakashi hated him.

"I think he would like that," Kakashi murmured. "For the longest time, I thought I was going to lose him. Everything that I tried to get through to him, tou san wouldn't respond and I just thought…"

Minato ruffled his hair. "You did well, Kakashi."

"You should get back to the celebration before anyone notices that you are missing. I don't want to be the reason why you're missing out. I'm okay sensei, honestly."

Minato chuckled. "Ah, talking to you allowed me to get away from a bit. The entire thing has seemed so surreal, maybe I'm still dreaming."

"It's not a surprise that you became the fourth leader," Kakashi pointed out. "I've heard the rumors since I was five. Dreams do become reality."

"Ah well, I suppose you're right."

The two of them sat side by side for the next half an hour, falling into their normal dynamic once more. Usually that consisted of Minato rambling on about something, possibly another one of his long winded jutsu explanations, while Kakashi just listened, reacting in appropriate intervals to show that he was still listening.

Today, Minato was describing his dream. His dream of creating an unified village, where the Senjus and the Uchihas peacefully coexisted. His dream of being able to look out of the window and see children playing together, with no divide as a Senju or Uchiha. His dream of having two children who would grow up in an era of peace and teaching them the Rasengan and Hiraishin and then retiring and handing it off to the next generation.

It was a good dream, Kakashi would admit, as he often wondered himself what was keeping them divided. The war may have had a purpose once upon a time, yet as time passed, the real purpose had waned. It seemed that they fought for the sake of fighting, simply because that was what they had always done. They were raised to hate the Uchiha clan and their associated allies, simply because that was what they knew.

But why?

"Sensei, why were we even fighting in the first place?"

They knew how they were going to fight the Uchihas, they knew where they were going to fight the Uchihas, they knew when they were going to fight the Uchihas, but nobody knew why.

Even Minato didn't have an idea and told Kakashi as such.

"And that is why I will resolve to maintain peace for as long as possible," Minato vowed. "We've already sacrificed so much to achieve peace in the first place...it's our job to preserve it."

"And if war breaks out again?"

Minato's expression darkened. "Then we will do anything to achieve it again. For the sake of the future generation."

"For the sake of the future generation," Kakashi echoed.

Those words would resound with him for the rest of his life.

The first thing he noticed was the insults written on the front wall of their house. Big, red kanji, once again condemning his father for his mistake.

Coward. Traitor. Disgrace.

Among them, Kakashi's eyes were fixated on one particular line.

Go kill yourself.

Just below the angrily scrawled kanji, there was a huge splot of red paint, like the person had sloshed the paint in a fit of frustration. Bits of paint slid down from the splash, leaving behind multiple trail marks. The paint had long dried at that point.

The second thing he noticed was how much the smell of paint irritated his sensitive nose and for once, Kakashi was grateful that he was wearing his mask. Yet beyond the paint, Kakashi's nose picked up another scent, one that he couldn't quite place with the overwhelming smell of paint screwing up his senses.

Then it dawned on him. Tou san! I have to see if he's alright.

Inwardly, Kakashi hoped that the villagers hadn't done anything other than leave spiteful messages on his wall, but knowing them, it certainly couldn't be the only thing they did. Kakashi could already imagine it, the name calling, the taunting, the insults as they ruined the exterior of the house.

And in his father's emotionally fragile state…

Kakashi brushed aside all of the negative thoughts as he stepped around a drying puddle of paint on his front porch. Unlocking the front door, Kakashi slipped inside, quickly shutting it as a precaution.

Kakashi didn't want his father to see what had happened outside, in the rare chance that Sakumo hadn't been aware of it.

This time, Kakashi flicked on the light, allowing the light to chase away the darkness in the living room. He half expected to see his father still sitting at the kitchen counter, with a small smile on his face, but was greeted with the sight of an empty stool.

His father must have been in his room then. Kakashi mentally consoled himself that it was okay if Sakumo reverted back to his previous state as long as he was okay. Everything else, they could take one step at a time. After all, Kakashi was barely ten years old...he still had a lifetime to spend with his father...he still had a lifetime to get his father back to normal...he still had a lifetime to ease his father's self guilt.

In the hallway, his nose picked up a tangy metallic smell. Almost like...blood.

Kakashi's eyes widened as he ran down the hallway, to his father's bedroom door. The scent of blood hit him even stronger the closer he got. All sorts of things ran through Kakashi's mind at the moment, so jumbled and disarrayed that Kakashi could hardly make sense of it. Yet there was one lone thought that stood out.

Please be okay.

Kakashi pushed the door open.

A rush of emotions hit him like a train wreck: disbelief, anguish, anger, guilt, fright, sorrow, heartbroken.

Sakumo was lying face down on the floor; his entire body soaked in his pool of blood. His right arm was outstretched, lying not too far from it was his Chakra Sabre, Sakumo's prized tanto that he promised to one day pass onto Kakashi. Dried blood was caked all along the length of the tanto, marring its once shiny appearance. The tip of Sakumo's silver hair had been tainted red.

Two words were written on the floorboard with his blood.

I'm sorry.

Kakashi gently picked up the tanto, absently staring at his fragmented reflection in the blade. He was crying. Tears were dripping down his cheeks at an alarming rate and for once, Kakashi didn't care that he was crying. He didn't move to hastily wipe it away.

What was the point? It wasn't like there was anyone there to see.

Angrily, Kakashi flung the blade across the room. He heard the tanto hit the wall, then land on the floor, but Kakashi wasn't focused on that. With his sandal that Kakashi had forgotten to remove in his haste, he began to scrub against the floor with the sole of his sandal.

I don't want your stupid apology! I want you alive!

His attempts did little to disguise the last note that his father left him; he only succeeded in smearing the kanji a bit. It was still there, almost taunting Kakashi that his father thought a simple apology would have fixed everything.

"I'll be here when you get back." Sakumo's words rang through Kakashi's head.

Tears continued to stream down his face as Kakashi sank down onto the floor, landing sharply on his knees. Numbly, Kakashi allowed his legs to buckle underneath him, sending him sprawling against the floor. He laid on his side, his dead father's body in his direct line of sight.

Tou san lied to me. He said he'll be here when I come back.

His mind flashed back to the elated feeling that welled up inside his chest when he realized that his father was actually being responsive to him. When he realized that his father had loved him and that it had been all because of him that Sakumo had done what he did. When Sakumo finally began acting like a father again…

And now he was dead.

I should have never left; I would have been able to stop him.

It was the villagers. He was getting better; their comments must have tipped him over his breaking point.

It's my fault. It's all their fault. It's my fault. It's all their fault. It's my fault. It's all their fault.

It had been the next morning and Kakashi hadn't shown up for their training session. Minato found Kakashi lying on the floor, curled up in a small ball, staring listlessly at his father's rotting body, muttering the mantra over and over again. Minato's heart ached for the young boy. He reached out to pull Kakashi into a tight hug, which the boy hadn't put up a fight. Instead, his body laid limply in Minato's hold as he continued to mutter, "It's my fault. It's all their fault."

Minato didn't have to guess who Kakashi was referring to. He had seen the comments painted on the walls.

"It's not your fault, Kakashi," Minato murmured.

"He loved me."

"I know he did."

"He loved me," Kakashi repeated once more. "It was because of me. It's all my fault."

Kakashi's mutterings didn't make much sense to Minato. All he could do was hold him while Kakashi inwardly cried. He knew the boy was hurting, probably ten times more than Minato felt upon finding his former captain dead.

Minato didn't know how to help him.

The funeral was supposed to be a quiet affair with just the four of them in attendance, as Jiraiya was nowhere to be found. Kushina latched on tightly to Minato as the pair gazed down at Sakumo's headstone. Hiruzen stood off to the side, giving the pair and Kakashi just enough space and silently paid his respects to the renowned shinobi.

Somehow, the word had gotten around and Minato was filled with dread when he saw Arata approaching, along with a couple of other shinobis that Minato didn't recognize. He spotted Hiruzen shooting Arata a disapproving glare, but Arata seemed to brush it off completely.

Kushina wanted to say something to Arata, but Minato held her back, murmuring that this wasn't the time or the place to cause a scene. That made Kushina settle down a bit, but Minato shuddered at the vicious glares that Kushina shot at the group.

Arata approached Kakashi. Kakashi didn't acknowledge his presence. Arata circled around Kakashi, eyeing the boy up and down menacingly. Arata's eyes flickered to Sakumo's grave and he emitted a short bark of laughter.

"Disgraces like him don't deserve a funeral service," Arata hissed, turning to spit on Sakumo's grave. Minato flinched at the action, tightening his hold on Kushina as he felt her anger spike. Worriedly, Minato glanced over at Kakashi, but his eyes remained downcasted at his father's grave.

It was like Arata didn't even exist for Kakashi, but Minato knew that Kakashi was bound to blow up sooner or later.

"Why are you mourning him? You'll be better off now that he's dead."

Still no response.

"And did you know how pathetic your father was when we went to trash his house the other day? Telling us to go away before you came back and to leave you alone. Too bad he condemned the entire Hatake name. You'll go down as a disgrace like him."

Arata glanced at his friends for supporting, inciting them to add in their own comments to the mix.

Kakashi murmured something, but it had been too low for Arata to catch. Arata goaded him on, inciting him to speak up.

"It's all your fault." Four words punctuated through the thick tension. Kakashi's gaze swung upwards to meet Arata's.

A chill ran down Arata's spine as he stared into the boy's frighteningly cold and empty eyes. Instinctively, Arata took a step backwards. The rest of Arata's friends seemed to have the sense to inch away too, bit by bit, ready to flee at any moment.

"No, it's his fault for failing the mission…" All of Arata's previous confidence had evaporated and Kushina relished in the slight quiver in his voice.

"You'll pay the price."

Minato knew Kushina was inwardly cheering on Kakashi for scaring them to the point where they practically fled from the scene, yet his worries amplified. These words shouldn't have been coming out of Kakashi's mouth; they didn't belong there.

Even after Arata and his crew had left, Kakashi wouldn't budge no matter how many times Minato coaxed him to leave.

"I just want some time alone, Sensei," Kakashi murmured.

Minato let him be, mentally crafting his argument to persuade Kakashi to come live with him for the time being. He would come back later, when it got dark.

Four hours later, Kakashi was nowhere to be found.

He was gone.

A/N: Hi again!

This one is in my top 3 of the hardest chapters I have written. I tried my best to capture Kakashi's emotions, so hopefully that didn't fall too flat.

At this point, we are more than halfway done with the story. The following chapters will ramp up, a little action, a little suspense, and a little thrill all mixed together. I hope you guys are enjoying this story as much as I had fun creating it (I may or may not have a sequel brewing :)

Thanks for reading! Until next time.

-MM