Disclaimer: I own nothing.

CH 20

EPOV

I was terrified. Utterly, and completely terrified. At the same time, I was feeling an immense sense of anticipation. Jasper's eyes were wide as he walked towards me with the rest of our family.

Edward, knock it back a little. Its so intense it almost hurts.

I couldn't make eye contact with him. I had never felt so out of control before. Was it worth it to go through with this? I began to second guess everything. Alice's eyes snapped up to me.

Oh no you don't! I've worked too hard at this. You are not backing out now. Look what happens if you don't follow through with this.

I could see her visions clearly, of both Bella and I slipping back to the shells of ourselves we had both become in the months after the accident. But this time, Alice could not foresee Bella pulling out of it. My ego would wound us both beyond repair.

See?

I nodded to her.

Esme spoke to us gently, "What are we missing, dears?"

"Edward was having second thoughts but I think we are past that, right?" Alice explained.

Carlisle stepped over and clasped my shoulder.

"You can do this. You owe it to yourself and her."

And I knew he was right. I knew they all were right. But that didn't make this any easier or any less terrifying. Alice was concentrating hard on showing Bella and I talking calmly in the living room, but of us wary but eager.

So it would happen here then. I looked to Alice and asked when.

"She is with Rose and Emmett right now, but she can be here whenever you are ready. The sooner the better," she added.

I considered finding some other excuse to push this off but resolved myself to accepting Alice's advice. She sensed this as her vision cleared further and smiled a beautiful, beaming grin.

Explaining she would send Bella along, she ushered the rest of the family out and assured me we could take as long as we needed. She would see when we were ready for them to come back.

With supportive glances from the rest of my family and a strong wave of love from Esme, transferred via Jasper, they walked out of the house and left me to count down the minutes until I would see her again.

For once, I didn't know what to do with my body. The last I had seen her, Bella had been a scared newborn, set off by the slightest things. While I had learned of her progress from my family, I still had no real idea of what she was capable of. Should I sit? Would that seem to relaxed-as if this moment was the singular most important of my life? Should I stand and possibly catch her off guard? What if she saw that as threatening? I even considered changing my outfit, putting on music, or sitting out on the porch to see her coming.

In the midst of my mind flying through these dilemmas, I heard a soft knock at the door. Once again, my inability to read her mind had caught me by surprise. I relied so heavily on my gift and had been so distracted that I hadn't heard her approach.

I flew to the door, unable to contain myself. Right before opening it, I silently reminded myself to stay calm and be present with her. I had done so many terrible things to her and wasn't quite sure what I did to deserve this chance to speak with her once more but I surely wasn't going to squander the chance to see her again, however fleeting.

I opened the door and saw her standing there, arms around her waist as if holding herself together. The look of uncertainly and apprehension broke my heart. I took a breath, and was reminded just how strongly her scent appealed to me. In an instant, I was brought back to the first time I had ever met her. The hunger I felt for her when she was a human was multiplied tenfold, but without the blood lust. What remained was a powerful tether from her heart to mine. I just needed to get out of my own way enough to allow her to realize this as well. I decided, since I was the one to ruin things, I should be the one to break the silence first.

"Will you come in, Bella?"

She didn't respond aloud to me, but nodded and walked past me into the living room.

A thousand thoughts raced through my head and I had to remind myself again to stay present with her. She was owed that. She nervously walked through the room, scanning the decor and taking in the modest furnishings. Our house in Forks was large, airy and modern whereas the house here felt more lived in and rustic. Each of Esme's homes had unique designs and this design was especially charming. I once again thanked Alice for orchestrating things so precisely. I instantly felt at home in this space and I was hoping Bella would feel the same.

Seeing her in front of me again, I was brought back to one simple fact: she was everything to me. The difference in her was striking since the last I had seen her. The skittishness and wildness I had seen in her that day was all but gone. Instead I saw a strong, confident, beautiful woman who seemed completely aware and capable. Her eyes, I had noticed, were still slightly darker than the rest of ours, both from her more recent transition and the accident.

Seeing her here in the room with me was everything I hadn't dared to wish for but I didn't know where to go next. In Alice's vision, I had seen us sitting on the over sized couch. Trusting my sister, I slowly made my way over, allowing her to take whatever time she needed to adjust and move to sit with me in her own time. I could let her lead, though she was clearly stalling.

I had to suppress a smile, thinking of how she used to think of herself as awkward and out of place. I was certain she was thinking this about herself now, but it still killed me that I couldn't hear what was really going on in her mind. Shaking those thoughts from my mind, I tried schooling my expression into one that conveyed patience and understanding.

"This place feels like Esme."

Her voice was beautiful-I had to take a second to savor the way it sounded before collecting myself enough to respond.

"Yes, it does. It has always been my favorite of our homes."

I looked around and realized with a sudden clarity that this was probably why I had settled here-unconsciously seeking comfort while my world fell apart. I looked back up to Bella and found her staring at me, before looking away quickly. A flash of desire took hold of me so strong, I had to force myself to sit still.

Bella seemed to steel herself as she walked over to the couch but didn't sit down immediately. I invited her to sit with me and she accepted, sitting as far from me as possible.

I knew one of us would have to start this but didn't know where to begin. In an effort to be as vulnerable as possible, I said what was on my mind.

"Where do we start, Bella?"

She looked at me with a look of uncertainty and said, "I don't know. All I know is that I need to hear from you what happened that day and why you..." she let the rest of her sentence fall away.

"Why I what?" I asked.

"...why you left me?" she responded after a short pause.

Though I knew this was what we were here to do, my heart sank. If she deserved anything from me, it was the truth. As unbearable as it would be, I had to tell her the truth and my logic behind leaving her-I just didn't know where to start or how deep to get straight away.

"You're better off if I'm not around, Bella", I stated simply. Even saying her name was difficult in the moment.

Her face shifted from guarded curiosity to anger. I didn't have to read her mind to see the emotions flash on her face.

"And how would you know that? You barely know me."

I was thinking through my head how to respond to this when she started speaking again, slightly louder and much faster.

"I don't understand anything that happened to me, Edward. I didn't even really know you at all when all of this happened. One day, I woke up and everything was normal. You were just my strange lab partner and I was the awkward new girl at school. And then, my life changes, I find out you and your whole family are vampires, I'm dead and by the way, I'm now a vampire too."

Before I could react, she cut in again. I decided to let her get it all out.

"Not to mention the things you and your family were thinking about me without me knowing while I turned. I was scared and confused when I woke up to all this but I felt comfortable with you for some reason and while the whole experience that day was terrifying, I also felt alive. I had no idea what I was doing, but I trusted you, Edward. And you let me down. You left me when I needed you the most."

She looked away from me, eyes filled with wrath and sadness.

"I did fail you, Bella. I don't know if there is any explanation I can give you that will give you whatever answers you are looking for but I'll try.

I know it was terrible for you that day, but the entire accident was my fault. I had been reckless and too caught up in the moment to properly care for you. My emotions got in the way of common sense, which tends to happen when I'm around you. I didn't want to subject you to this for eternity. You deserve so much more than that.

I know that is not a satisfactory explanation but I have nothing else to else. I don't want to be the cause of any suffering on your part so I've removed myself from the situation."

Bella shook her head, looking down at her hands, which she had been wringing. She looked so sad that it was an effort not to give in to my natural instincts and pull her to me. I felt like a colossal failure.

Bella, after what seemed like a long time, looked up at me and said, "I just don't get it. Why bother saving me in the first place? What was all of this for if you just ditch at the first sign something wasn't going according to your plan?"

"I would never regret saving you, Bella. But it was, and will always be, my most selfish act."

She looked at me quizzically before asking, "Selfish? How?"

"Bella, I thought you heard everything I said to you while you were changing? Do you not understand?"

"Understand what?"

She was going to make me say it. I had to be brave enough for us both to let it all out. I took a deep breath and began to attempt to explain the depth of my feelings for her.

"You are everything to me. I have been alone for my entire existence. For over a hundred years, I was complete in myself. Being alone that long began to feel like it was how it always would be for me-never changing, never knowing what I was missing because I hadn't met you." I paused, looking deep into her eyes.

"The first day I saw you, I thought you were my undoing. But beyond the way your blood called to me, so too did your heart and your mind. I have never met anyone like you, Bella. I know you said we don't know each other very well but I've never felt the things I've felt for anyone but you.

But all of that means nothing if it gets in the way of your safety and happiness. In my self-absorption that day, I failed you in the most fundamental way one can fail someone else-I didn't keep you safe. I've stayed away to keep you from anything bad that would surely come about from my presence but please know that it is the hardest thing I've ever done. I question myself every day on whether or not I've done the right thing but I don't know what else to do."

Bella started back at me, expression unreadable, before breaking into the most heart stopping, gorgeous smile I'd ever seen.

"You are an idiot, Edward Cullen."