Chapter 11: Depthless Despair
The entire time Kyou cried Botan remained there for her master. There wasn't much she could do though, Botan simply cuddled her body up to her and give comforting 'gof gof's that were tainted with concern. It took a while but eventually Kyou was able to calm down. She talked some more with her precious boar but the conversation didn't last long. Kyou was too tired, both physically and mentally, to do much else that day. After promising to go play with Botan somewhere tomorrow Kyou left her pet's side to head inside.
After Kyou finally made her way into her apartment she decided to follow her sister's orders. She bathed, ate a simple but filling meal, and changed into a fresh set of clothes before laying out her futon. Even though it was midday she quickly fell asleep, the fatigue from sleeping in a chair by Kale's bed multiple days in a row taking it's toll on her body. As weary as her body was though her mind made it so the sleep was not very restful.
The familiar nightmares had come to torment her once more now that Kyou had made herself vulnerable by letting sleep envelop her. She twisted and turned the whole time she slept, trying to escape from the horrors that held her mind captive. While in her dreams she couldn't escape though, it was impossible to run from her own thoughts. The nightmares never left and Kyou's mind became so desperate to escape that it woke her up suddenly. Her upper body shot up into a sitting position, sweat dripping from her brow and her chest heaving with heavy breaths. Kyou looked at her nearby alarm clock. It had only been a scant forty minutes since she had laid down to try and get some rest. The sun still peeked through the drawn curtains, almost mocking her for trying to sleep at this time of day.
Bringing both hands to her head, Kyou moaned in exhausted frustration. So desperately did she want to sleep, to just forget about what was going on in the real world. Overwhelming loneliness came upon her though every time she attempted to sleep, and with that loneliness she was vulnerable to horrible images. Sometimes it would be of those evil men trying to get her again. Other times the images would be of Kale being beaten up while he fought valiantly to defend her. The third frequent tormenting images would be of Kale's broken body lying helplessly in endless sleep in the hospital.
"Please..." Kyou moaned to no one in particular. "I just want to sleep. I need to not feel this pain." Such pleas went unheard by her inner turmoil though and Kyou felt her mind continue to ache in an agony that craved for relief yet denied any when it was offered. Giving a heavy sigh Kyou stood from her futon and changed into some clothes that were suitable for going outside into the snow.
Donning the final piece that was her winter coat, Kyou exited her apartment and gently shut the door behind her. Her breaths came out as white puffs in the cold air even with the midday sun still shining brightly. Kyou slowly made her way over to Botan' shelter, kneeling into a squat at the entrance. Inside she found that Botan had laid back down in the warmth of the shelter, presumably not long after Kyou had gone inside the apartment.
"Mind if I join you?" asked Kyou, already starting to crawl on all fours into the shelter. To this Botan raised her head in mild surprise, it tilting to the side lightly as she gave a questioning 'gof?'"Sorry, I couldn't get any sleep," explained Kyou. In her heart Kyou felt a small twinge of guilt at her small lie to her trusted friend. While it was true that she wasn't able to sleep the truth was that she just didn't want to be alone.
Botan gave her a small reassuring grunt before laying her head back down. Kyou scooted herself so she was to the side of Botan. Even though she had built the shelter to keep Botan comfortable in storms and cold weather it was still surprisingly warm in the shelter to Kyou. She figured it was the presence of the boar that helped raised the temperature to such comfortable levels. Almost as if testing it Kyou leaned her upper body onto Botan, snuggling into the bristly hair. Kyou's guess turned out to be correct, the warmth from her pet was easily enough to make her forget about the winter chill. The steady rise and fall of Botan's body as she breathed had a soothing rhythm to it. Before Kyou even realized it her eyes fluttered closed and her mind drifted off, the presence of her precious Botan helping to keep the nightmares at bay.
"How long has it been since I thought of that?" mumbled Kyou softly to herself as she stared up at the ceiling from her futon. She cast her mind back and soon realized that a full month had gone by since the time she had accidentally fallen asleep in Botan's shelter. 'A full month...' she silently pondered. It had really been a full month since Kale had gone into his coma.
Although it had been a whole month there had been little progress in Kale's condition. His collapsed lung had fully healed and Kale no longer needed a ventilator to assist with his breathing. His right forearm was still badly broken, the bones only a fraction of the way on the path to be considered healed. The wound from his surgery to repair the subdural hematoma had also begun to heal with some of the hair even beginning to regrow. His eyes though continued to remain sealed shut, his mind still trapped in unwilling sleep.
As Kyou thought on Kale's minimal progress throughout the month she also started to recall other things that had happened during January. As she wordlessly dug through her memories one sprang to mind in particular. A few days after Kale had been admitted to the hospital Kyou had been informed that the hospital staff had tracked down a good phone number to contact Kale's family back in America. Apparently they had informed them of what had happened to Kale and were planning on holding a conference call to work on the details of a plan of care for him. At first Kyou didn't think that such a thing would involve her but the hospital staff informed Kyou that Kale's mother specifically requested for Kyou to be part of the conference call.
The conversation had been rather difficult and awkward for Kyou as most of it was held through a translator, Kale's mother not knowing how to speak Japanese. Something that sort of surprised Kyou was that it was decided Kale would continue to receive care in Japan. Part of it was that Kale was a Japanese citizen and the other part was that Kale's mother couldn't afford to have him transported back to the United States. Kale's mother couldn't even afford to come out and see her son despite her wishes otherwise. Although Kyou wasn't that proficient with English and thus couldn't understand most of the words Kale's mother said Kyou could hear the sorrow in the mother's voice that she couldn't visit her child when he was so hurt.
What really surprised Kyou though was that Kale's mother specifically requested that Kyou have the legal power to help make decisions regarding Kale's care. When asked why, Kale's mother explained that to have someone living close to Kale that could easily be contacted would be helpful in case of an emergency. When Kyou asked why her specifically Kale's mother told how Kale had been writing about Kyou in the letters he mailed home regularly. From how he talked about her it was obvious how much he cared for her and she felt that someone that was close to him in such a way was a natural choice.
Kyou shook her head vigorously, bringing her mind out of reminiscence and back to the reality of the present time. Thinking about Kale's mother talking how her son felt for Kyou made her heart ache far too much.
"No, don't think about it," groaned Kyou to herself. "If you think about it the pain will come back." Kyou did her best to push that memory out of her active thinking. She buried it where she kept the overwhelming pain she wanted to avoid, in the deepest depths of her mind. There Kyou thought she could deny they existed, and if they didn't exist then it couldn't hurt her. Kyou now just laid there, staring at the ceiling with a blank and numb expression that mirrored how her active mind felt.
At that moment a sudden knocking on her apartment door could be heard and Kyou jumped a little. It had been so quiet as Kyou fought to bury her emotional pain that the knock sounded louder to her than it actually was. The surprise quickly passed and Kyou turned her head to look at the door while she remained in her futon. With it being what time it was on a weekday Kyou had a very good guess as to who was at her door. Rolling her eyes, Kyou started to get up from her futon and walk towards the door. Kyou's movements were apparently too sluggish for the person at the door, several more knocks coming as Kyou slowly made her way to the door. Standing just a few inches away now from the door Kyou gave a heavy sigh.
'I wish she would just leave me alone...' Kyou silently thought to herself. 'Oh well, better put on a smile or she'll bug me about how I'm feeling.' Using both hands Kyou vigorously rubbed the area right by the corners of her mouth, trying to loosen the muscles so they could change from their default numb expression. As the final motion of the rubbing, Kyou lifted the corners of her mouth in a mild smile, using her muscles to keep the mouth in that position. 'I may not be able to smile easily but I can at least hold one in place.' Sighing in her mind as she maintained the artificial smile, Kyou reached forward and opened the door.
"Good morning," said Kyou as she did her best to force a cheerful tone into her voice. "Sorry about that, seems I overslept again..." After giving a shallow bow as an apology Kyou raised her head and confirmed her earlier suspicion; her early morning visitor was her friend and co-worker Tomoyo Sakagami.
"It seems you did," said Tomoyo, looking Kyou up and down and seeing that she was still wearing her sleeping clothes. "You better hurry up, we don't want to be late."
"Alright, I'll get ready," responded Kyou, giving a soft and pitiful chuckle. "I will be out in just a minute." After saying those words the door was shut and Tomoyo could hear movement on the other side as Kyou got ready for work. Tomoyo turned around and looked up at the grey winter sky, brows furrowed and a slight frown adorning her face.
"Still no improvement..." Tomoyo sighed to herself. Casting her mind back to a few weeks ago, Tomoyo thought about how on the first day kindergarten was back from their winter break Kyou didn't show up to work in the morning. All attempts to call Kyou's phone had ended in failure so the Director sent Tomoyo to check on her. The result of her search had been a shock to Tomoyo then and it still was rather unbelievable even now. On that day Tomoyo had found Kyou still at her apartment, curled up in her futon but not sleeping. Everyday after that Tomoyo made sure to stop by Kyou's apartment in the morning and wake her up so she would be to work on time.
That was what Tomoyo said she was doing to anyone that asked, even if that someone was Kyou. In reality though Tomoyo wasn't waking up her friend up, instead she was helping her get the motivation necessary to get out of bed. Although Kyou would always deny it with a fake smile Tomoyo knew the truth, Kyou would spend hours in the morning just laying in bed already awake but without the desire to get up. The only reason why she seemed to get out of bed was to try and put on a facade for anyone who might see her. That seemed to be the case today as well. The smile Kyou had put on for Tomoyo seemed to be so fragile that it would break at the slightest touch. If Tomoyo confronted Kyou about lounging in bed it would probably erase what little positive attitude she had managed to muster up.
"There isn't much else I can do..." quietly mumbled Tomoyo, frustration and worry simmering inside her mind. "Maybe she will be better in class today..."
Much to Tomoyo's dismay her hope went unfulfilled. Kyou's mood and energy didn't seem to improve at all even when around her precious students. Although Kyou did her best to maintain the appearance of a positive attitude it did not hold up to even the smallest amount of scrutiny. The weak smile she struggled to keep on her face didn't mask the absence of the usual signs of her happiness. The twinkling in her piercing purple eyes, the eagerness and energy that was put into every action she did, and the warmth and compassion she gave freely to her class, all of it was gone from her. All that was left behind was a hollow shell that tried to fool everyone with a pitiful smile.
Kyou could feel the fragile defenses she had worked so hard to build up crumbling underneath the simple weight of the day. It made her feel so pitiful, why was a simple day too much for her?! The students were even behaving better than normal so it should have been a relaxing day, yet here she was, struggling just to get through the day. The fact that she was struggling through an easy day meant there was something wrong with her, at least that is what she thought. This made her feel flawed and worthless which made the day even harder to bear, and that in turn further fed her feeling of self-hatred. Kyou's mind continued on in this endless cycle of pain as the day went on, the ache in her soul ever growing.
The growing pain she was trying so hard to keep buried and hidden was starting to be more easily noticed by even her most oblivious of students. At that time of day the whole class was divided amongst a multitude of low tables as they worked on an arts and crafts project. Tomoyo was working with one of the groups when the words of a student grabbed her attention.
"Sensei, are you crying?" Tomoyo looked and saw that the question came from a student in the group that Kyou was with. The little boy had stopped working on his project and was now looking at his teacher who was just kneeling there, hands devoid of any activity as she stared blankly at the project that remained largely unfinished. Kyou slowly turned her head to the student, mouth flapping wordlessly for a few moments as words struggled to come forth.
"N-no, I'm not crying," replied Kyou, the wavering in her voice ruining the validity of her response. Despite the lack of truth in her excuse being extremely obvious, Kyou continued on blindly in her attempt to hide her overwhelming pain. "I just got some glitter in my eyes, that's all."
"But Sensei...We aren't using any glitter," said the little boy. Looking back down to the materials Kyou could see that the student was right, there was no glitter among today's art supplies. There was paper, scissors, and glue and nothing else. With none of the supplies being even similar to glitter Kyou began to stammer as she thought desperately for some sort of excuse.
"She got some glitter in her eyes earlier when she was setting up," suddenly interjected Tomoyo. Kyou's head spun around and saw that Tomoyo had left her group and come towards them, only a few inches away from Kyou. "When that happened she thought glitter might not be such a good idea for today."
"Oh, okay," said the inquiring student, apparently satisfied with Tomoyo's explanation.
"Maybe you should go wash them out," suggested Tomoyo, giving Kyou a slightly nod as she knelt down. Even through the tears that were building up and clouding her vision Kyou could see the look in Tomoyo's eyes that had more meaning then just the few words she was saying. They told Kyou that Tomoyo knew that she needed to escape the room for a few moments. "Go ahead and wash them out, I'll keep an eye on the class."
Kyou desperately wanted to say something in response to Tomoyo. She wanted so badly to express just how grateful she was for Tomoyo supporting her in a subtle way that didn't embarrass Kyou. The overwhelming pain though threatened to break loose at any moment and it took nearly all of her strength to prevent an immediate breakdown. So despite her wishes to respond verbally all Kyou could do was give a small nod before she stood and walked out of the classroom.
As soon as the door behind her closed shut Kyou walked a few feet down the hall. Now out of sight of her students, the last remaining fragments of Kyou's strength left her. She slumped her back against the wall, sliding down to the floor as both of her hands pressed against her face. Her teeth clenched together as she sobbed as quietly as possible, trying to not attract the attention of the students on the other side of the wall.
Although Kyou's attempts were largely successful and all of the students were blissfully unaware there was one person in the classroom that knew all too well what was happening. Tomoyo had seen the sorrow that was almost spilling out of Kyou a few moments ago which alone was a huge hint. Tomoyo had also at one point in the past few weeks followed Kyou after she left class unexpectedly and saw her have a breakdown when she thought no one was around. Back then Kyou had not come as close to breaking down while still in class so to see how close she had come to doing that today was concerning. That concern only grew when Tomoyo heard the soft thump against the nearby wall shortly after Kyou had left the classroom. It was quite apparent to Tomoyo that Kyou hadn't even made it to the privacy of another room before her sorrow had overwhelmed her. It made Tomoyo's heart ache with regret at her inability to help.
'No, there must be something I can do,' Tomoyo silently thought to herself. "Class, please keep working on your project. I have to make a quick phone call." After all of the students acknowledged and agreed to the request Tomoyo walked as far away as possible from the students. She took out a simple cellphone from one of her pockets and flipped it open. She then dialed the desired number and waited anxiously as it rang. At first with the amount of rings she heard Tomoyo feared that the person she was calling wasn't available. A sudden click and the sound of a voice quickly erased that worry.
"Hello, this is Ryou Hiiragi, what can I do for you?" asked the voice on the phone.
"Ah, Fujibaya- sorry, I mean Hiiragi-san, thank goodness you picked up," said Tomoyo, her voice little more than a whisper. A few students looked towards her curiously but soon went back to their craft project, quickly losing interest since they couldn't hear the conversation.
"Sakagami-san? What's wrong?" asked Ryou, her tone of voice soon matching the concern she heard so easily in Tomoyo's words.
"It's your sister," started Tomoyo. "She's having another breakdown and I think it's worse this time."
"In the middle of class?" gasped Ryou.
"No, not quite...But she almost did. I found an excuse and sent her out of the classroom right before it happened." Tomoyo visibly winced as she said those words. Even after observing it for a whole month Tomoyo had never gotten use to seeing Kyou like this. It was such an unusual thing to Tomoyo that talking about it somehow almost felt wrong.
"Oh, thank goodness... Sakagami-San, I am truly indebted to you for looking out for her," replied Ryou.
"I don't know what else I can do for her though," sighed Tomoyo. "We had only really started building our friendship before all of this and now she is pushing everyone away while she gets worse."
"I know," said Ryou. "I don't see or hear from her except when she's visiting Kale and I happen to be working a shift at the same time. She does come to visit him everyday so it is at least somewhat frequent. However..." Ryou's voice trailed off, leaving Tomoyo waiting silently for a few moments. Eventually it was too much for her so Tomoyo disregarded the idea of patience and tried to jumpstart the conversation.
"However what?" asked Tomoyo.
"Despite being in a coma I've told Onee-chan that Kale would be able to hear her if she talked to him," said Ryou. "However, she doesn't speak when she's visiting. She just sits by his side without saying anything."
"Wait, she hasn't said a word to him this entire time?" asked Tomoyo, making sure she had heard Ryou correctly. Surely she had misheard, there was no way Kyou had been visiting Kale's sleeping form everyday for a whole month and not say a single word. That was just ludicrous!
"Not a single word," clearly replied Ryou. This absolutely stunned Tomoyo. Kyou was doing far worse then she had realized.
"We have to do something," said Tomoyo after a few moments of silence. "We as her friends...No, we as her family can not let this continue. We must find some way to reach out to her, but how?" The initial response to the pleading question was little more than silence. Tomoyo's mind whirled as she tried to think of anything that might hold even a sliver of hope. Although an answer continued to elude Tomoyo it soon came to the one she was talking to.
"I might have an idea..." slowly said Ryou, the exact details of the idea still forming in her head as she talked. "There is someone who might be able to reach out to her, talk to her in a way no one else can."
"Who is-" Tomoyo was suddenly interrupted by a gentle tugging on the lower part of the back of her shirt. Tomoyo turned to see a student, looking up at her with pleading eyes and a jumbled mess of a craft project clutched in their tiny hands.
"I'm sorry, I have to go. Do whatever it is you need to do to get a hold of the person" quickly said Tomoyo, giving the student a light pat on the head to delay them for a few brief moments as she hurriedly finished her phone conversation.
"I will. Goodbye," said Ryou, knowing she didn't have enough time to say anything else.
"Goodbye," simply replied Tomoyo. Without waiting any longer she ended the call, snapped the phone shut and slid it into one of her pockets. As she led the student back to the table where he had come from Tomoyo's mind thought on the conversation she had just had. She didn't have any idea of who Ryou was talking about but whoever it was Tomoyo desperately hoped they could help Kyou find her way out of her depthless despair.