Steve wasn't quite sure what was happening.
Three minutes ago the room had been empty, FRIDAY announced that the pizza had arrived for lunch, Clint had fallen out of the vent, and the rest had crawled out from (apparently) the depths of hell if their moaning was to be believed.
"Hungover?" he asked Wanda, who was busy using her power to stuff pizza into her mouth.
She grunted, and three more pieces flew towards her.
Bucky lifted one hand and carefully placed it over his mouth, then leaned in close and whispered lovingly, "Shut the fuck up Steve."
Steve resisted the urge to laugh, but he couldn't quite stop the smirk.
The elevator dinged, and Nat stalked in, wearing a black singlet and yoga pants
"Morning," she sang. "How are we feeling this morning?"
Groans sounded, and she smiled enough to show all of her teeth.
"How are you not dead?" Tony asked her, from his position collapsed on the sofa, his head hanging off the side, one arm dangling down and brushing the ground. "You drank more than everyone combined."
She shrugged. "I'm Russian," she said, like it explained everything. She sat down on the couch, resting her back against the armrest, and her feet on Tony's back, right below his neck. He raised a hand like he was going to protest but gave up almost immediately.
Steve was still confused, but he supposed that was normal.
The elevator dinged again. Steve stood up. If it was Pepper, he wanted to talk to her about that meeting next week. He froze. It definitely wasn't Pepper.
Stumbling backwards was a kid – maybe seventeen – stumbling backwards, and in his arms was…
"Penny?"
She tore her lips away from where they were locked with his and paled significantly.
She scrambled down from his arms, grabbed the kids face, and twisted it towards the couch.
He froze, his face reddening significantly.
"Oh my god," he said.
Penny slapped a hand to her forehead.
"You're the Avengers," he said, raising a shaking hand and pointing at them. "Pen – pen look.
Penny mumbled something about the worst day of her life.
Steve started to stand, taking a step towards them, when Penny grabbed the kids' hand and yanked him back towards the elevator.
"FRIDAY, the lobby," she yelled.
Steve scrambled to do something. Nat was faster.
Grabbing a plate from the coffee table – still covered in dinner from last night – she threw it like it was a shield (stealing Steve's only move), still sitting down on the white couch. Just as the elevator doors were closing, the plate landed on the couch and slid between them.
The sensors, recognising that something was stopping the doors from closing, opened the doors.
Steve, having started moving towards the elevator as soon as Nat had thrown the dish, held up a hand against the doors. He raised a single eyebrow, taking in Penny's dishevelled appearance, the kids kiss-swollen lips.
How bad was it really to murder a teenager?
He would have to ask Pepper when he saw her. After he had already buried the kid of course.
No body = no crime. It was simple maths.
"This is the worst day of my life," said Penny.
"This is the best day ever," said the kid.
Nat appeared on his left. He spared her a glance. Her face was carefully blank. Behind him he could hear everyone stand to attention.
"Penny," she said with a nod. "Who's your friend?"
Penny buried her head in her hands and moaned pitifully. "You guys aren't supposed to be here. It's Wednesday, you guys have that meeting."
"It got postponed to Saturday," Steve said. "So, you could join without having to skip school."
"We skipped," blurted the kid suddenly.
Penny elbowed him, and Penny glared at him.
"What? It's Captain America. I can't lie, that's like blasphemy."
Steve didn't need to glance at Nat to know what she was thinking. He felt movement behind him, and carefully tilted himself so that Tony could step in between Nat and Steve.
"Hey dad," Penny mumbled, peeking through the gaps between her fingers.
"We were just about to make some lunch," Tony said.
"Why don't you join us?" Nat continued with a small, dangerous smile.
Penny started to say no.
"Wonderful," Steve interrupted. He stepped to the side and gestured for them to step out of the elevator.
At some point, Wanda must have cleaned and hidden the pizza boxes. Steve thought that perhaps they were hidden in the vent, as the cover had been carefully screwed back on, and there wasn't a box in sight.
Bucky was standing with his arms as his side, completely still, face not unlike that of a corpse. Dead and silent and still.
Clint was sitting on the back of the couch, fiddling with an arrow Steve didn't even know he had on him. He too was staring at the kid, only he looked like he was holding back barely concealed hatred.
Wanda was sitting down on the couch, legs crossed, one arm on the armrest, holding her chin up with her hand, while the other glowed red.
Nat interlocked her arm with Penny, and dragged her towards the kitchen, she glanced behind her, sending the kid what looked like an apologizing look.
He waved her off with a lopsided smile.
Tony and Steve stared at the kid. He glanced between them both quickly, eyes a surprisingly bright emerald green.
"Um, my name's Flash, by the way," he finally stuttered.
Tony and Steve shared a glance. He was sure they were thinking the same thing. No way in hell was Penny going to be dating a kid named Flash.
Especially a kid with a blonde buzzcut, broad shoulders, and was almost as tall as Tony.
Tony and Steve shared another glance
()()()()()()()()()()()
They were sitting around the table, plates scraped clean, and Happy had just arrived to escort Flash back home.
Penny was slumped in her seat, arms crossed, plate still piled high with food.
"So," Tony ventured. "He's nice. How long have you guys been dating?"
Nat (the traitor) was completely silent, even though he had overheard her, Wanda, and Penny talking about it earlier, when the men had been making lunch.
After a long moment of silence, she finally mumbled, "We're not dating."
Tony opened his mouth to say something when Penny stood up so fast her chair flew backwards.
"That was so completely, horribly embarrassing," she said, staring straight ahead, not looking at anyone. "I cannot believe you guys. You weren't even supposed to be at the tower today. It's Wednesday. Wednesday. You guys are never here on Wednesday." She stepped backwards, and started pacing – ten steps one way, then the other, then back again.
"I told him that it was an empty floor. Meant for decoration, and press photos, and student tours, and they never had those on Wednesday. And you guys are hungover. Jesus, it felt like I was going to get second hand drunk from the smell alone. And then you had to give him the talk."
She stopped pacing and buried her face in her hands. "You just had to give him the talk. Going on about how to treat me right. What does that even mean? Like, shit, we're not dating, I'm just trying to get into his pants."
She froze. So had Tony. Steve was just trying to process what had happened.
"You were what, Penny?" Tony said dangerously quiet.
Penny shook her head, hunched her shoulders, and moaned quietly.
"Yeah, Penny," Bucky said. The look on his face was oddly reminiscent of when he caught people beating up Steve in alleyways. Like he was going to beat them senseless for even daring to do that to Steve. "How old is Flash anyway? Steve did he say?"
"He said he was eighteen."
"And Penny," Tony said. "How old are you?"
She was seventeen, they all knew it.
She held up her hands in a placating way. "Okay first of all, he turned eighteen three days ago, and I turn eighteen in a month. Please don't kill anyone. Besides, you guys have no right to judge me."
Tony smiled. It wasn't a nice one. "Don't worry darling. It's not you we're going to have words with."
She cringed. She quickly tapped her wrists together twice, and the nano's inside then burst forth, crawling up over her body and enveloping her in the IronSpider suit.
Before anyone could stop her, she sprinted towards the window, and just as she was about to burst through, FRIDAY must have opened the window, leaving nothing but the faint sound of a curse in her wake.
FRIDAY closed the window with a soft whir.
"Hey FRI?" Tony asked. "Ask Flash over for dinner. At the Compound, okay? I think it's time for another family dinner, don't you guys recon?"
Steve smirked. Oh yes, it was definitely time.