Disclaimer: I do not own IT or any of the characters. That all belongs to the awesome and talented Stephen King. I only own my OC and other characters I make up along the way.
*Please read*
A/N: Guys! I want to apologize and explain as to why it's taken a while to update this story. First, I'm sorry for making you guys wait, and second the reason why I've been lagging updates is because I just started college again. As per ordinary I am taking five class, but these classes are more time consuming than the other previous classes I had last semester. For my Maya Special Topic class I have a 2-3 page paper due every week, and I have readings and other written assignments for my remaining classes. Not to mention I'm taking a field school this semester and just about two weeks I went to my first archaeological field class. It was fun, but man was it exhausting doing all that hiking, digging, and carrying buckets of soil. Not to mention I kept falling because I am so damn clumsy, so I have bruises all over my legs. They're clearing up now. I'm supposed to go out in the field again in March. But anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I definitely have a lot of work to do this semester for school, so updates for this story (and for my other ones) will probably be slow. That doesn't mean I'm gonna stop writing, because I am determined to finish Floating On Air. I just wanted to make a announcement as to why updates are not as fast as they used to be. I hope this doesn't upset anyone because you guys mean a lot to me.
Also I wanted to let you guys know that I am changing the story's rating from T to M because we're coming close to the end and things are going to get even more disturbing. It'll mainly because of violence and gore (especially when we head into IT: Chapter Two when the Losers are adults, but I mean even now the language counts for the story being M rated.
Anyways, sorry for any misspellings. I'll try to fix them later.
Just a quick clarification, in regards to who are the face-claims as Maggie and Wentworth Tozier, I like to imagine Rosamund Pike as Maggie and Patrick Dempsey as Wentworth (just imagine him with glasses similar to Richie's). In my opinion they're great face-claims for Gwen and Richie's parents. I just want to give you guys a better visual. Although Wentworth is mentioned in this chapter, he will have a much bigger and important scene with Gwen in the next chapter. Victor Criss will also be making an appearance. Now enjoy the story!
"Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn't have. Maybe there's a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again." ― Carol Rifka Brunt, Tell the Wolves I'm Home
Chapter 20: Realization hits the heart
The last time Gwen and Richie had been at odds with each other (if one can even call it that) was about five years ago. When Gwen was ten years old and Richie was eight years old. And the reason for that so called fall out was because of the grape juice incident with Mr. Snuggles. Her beloved teddy bear. Due to Richie ruining her stuffed bear (the same one her father Wentworth gave to her), Gwen ended up giving her brother the silent treatment. It lasted for almost a full week before she finally caved in and started interacting with him again. Since that silly child like incident though nothing else had gotten in between the Tozier siblings. With the exception of Gwen's on and off again depression episodes. Except not even Gwen's diagnosed depression had made her completely cut Richie out of her life. Not that she ever would. Gwen loved her younger brother. And Richie loved her too...at least she thought he did.
After the argument they had two weeks ago with the rest of the Losers (minus Eddie who she still hasn't seen let alone talked to since then—no thanks to Sonia Kaspbrak), Gwen wasn't so sure about Richie's love for her anymore. Not after what he told her. That awful heartbreaking sentence he said to her kept playing in her mind.
"I hate you!"
It was just three simple words but how they caused immense emotional damage to her. But as Gwen had come to personally know there was a lot worse things that could still be said...or should she say, unsaid. Once again the dreaded silent treatment was being used between the Tozier siblings. Only this time it wasn't Gwen giving the silent treatment. No, it was Richie. And no matter how much Gwen tried getting him to say anything to her, Richie didn't budge. The bespectacled boy had been holding strong for two weeks now. Not saying a single word directly towards Gwen. This silent treatment was way longer than the one Gwen had given him all those years ago. But now Gwen knew just how much it hurts being on the other end of the silent treatment. It sucked majorly for Gwen as well because it felt like Richie spoken to her for more than two weeks.
In fact, the last actual conversation they had with each other was on the same day the awful argument took place. The conversation went like this. After the argument with the Losers, a freshly emotionally and physically wounded Gwen went home. Bill (who still guilty for punching Richie and causing a rift between the Tozier siblings) had insistent on giving her a ride with his bike. And although Gwen was in a whirl of emotions, she accepted his offer. Mainly because she was hurt, but also because her own bike was had been left behind at Neibolt. Once she was inside her house, Gwen soon found herself going to Richie's bedroom. She decided to stick with the polite way and knocked on his door and she kept knocking (for what felt like five minute) before he finally answered. Needless to say they did not come to any sort of understanding or even worked things out between them. Gwen tried getting through to Richie but the youngest Tozier wouldn't listen to what she had to say. Although he deeply regretted saying "I hate you" to her, his stubbornness and jealousy towards Bill being so close to his sister overpowered him.
Richie did tell Gwen that he would forget the argument if and only if she just sided with him regarding the whole IT situation. Gwen, no matter how much she wanted to be on good terms with her brother, didn't do that...and because of that the damage between the siblings grew. Jarring words were once again thrown at one another (mainly from Richie—but at least the H word wasn't said this time) and the conversation finally ended with Gwen telling Richie to go to his room. Which despite the serious tone of the conversation they were having, Gwen saying that was quite comical considering she was in his room. It was a slip up that was obviously happened because her emotions were all over the place. Of course Richie took her verbal mess up as an opportunity to one up her.
She remembered how Richie had rolled his eyes at her. His facial expression was neutral but she could have sworn she saw a twinkle of amusement shine through for a moment there before it vanished. "This is my room genius." He told her, thus making the fifteen year old feel embarrassment for her mistake.
Gwen had needed a few seconds to get herself together before she was finally able to response back.
"Fine! Then I'm going to my room!"
And that was it. After saying that Gwen practically ran to her room and since that day Richie hadn't spoken a single word to her. She of course tried initiating conversation with him, but all he ever did was give her a hard stare before taking off. No matter how many times she called his name or even tried doing voice impressions (very bad ones), Richie didn't say anything to her. His distant and cold behavior made things incredibly awkward between them. Especially during breakfast and dinner time. More so during dinner though.
However, breakfast today was pretty bad.
Their father Wentworth had left real early in the morning because had an "emergency" request from a patient at work—surprise surprise. Which just left Maggie, Richie, and her. Gwen much preferred whenever her father was at the table with them—especially since Richie and her were at odds with each other. Sure her father kept to himself and payed more attention to his newspaper than his children, but just his presence alone made the hostility between Richie and her a bit more bearable.
Maggie on the other hand for some reason increased it. At least Gwen felt that way about it and she had a feeling Richie did too.
For breakfast today, Maggie had made them eggs and waffles. Gwen knew her mother did this as a way to brighten things up around the house. Her mother might be oblivious (not as much as her father), but she wasn't a full on idiot to not tell there was a drift between the siblings. Maggie had just been ignoring it. Why? Well, Gwen figured it was because the older woman didn't want to get involved. Maybe she thought things would work out on their own. Except they hadn't. Hence the special breakfast meal today. A two weeks too late breakfast meal.
Now it wasn't like Gwen didn't appreciate her mother making her breakfast. She did a lot. The fifteen year old had even thanked her before sitting down. However, it was a halfhearted thank you. Halfhearted because of the dispirited way she was feeling, and because of what exactly was on her plate.
Gwen wasn't a waffle fan. She'd rather eat pancakes. Richie was another story. He loved waffles and that was something anyone would be able to figure out based on the way he rapidly ate said food item. Like right now. As her younger brother devoured his waffles, Gwen used her fork to lazily pick at her eggs. Completely avoiding the waffles on her plate. This might have seem to be a rude action through a strangers eyes, but not to hers or even the people around the table. Her mother knew she disliked waffles. Gwen had told her countless times in the past and yet it appeared that Maggie hadn't listened. Not once. Which of course just bruised the relationship between her and her mother more. If her mother couldn't pay attention to a simple detail of her disliking a certain food item, that certainly said a lot about her.
In the middle of breakfast time, Maggie finally spoke up. "So, Stan's Bar Mitzvah is tomorrow. You guys excited for that?" She asked in hopes that either one of her children would answer her. However, much to her disappointment and annoyance neither one of them did. Richie ignored her question as he continued eating his food and Gwen was just picking at her food. This made Maggie let out a huff because of their behavior. For two weeks now she had to witness their distance from each other. She had to admit it was rather peaceful to have them not talking to one another, but now it was getting out of hand. Now they were both ignoring her...and that just wouldn't do. She let go of her utensils, and her crossed her arms over her chest. It was a pose that meant business. "Alright, what's going on?" She eyed her children intensely.
Gwen would be the first one to finally speak up. Noticing a difference in her mother's tone of voice, Gwen lifted her gaze from her plate onto her mother's face. She furrowed her eyebrows once she saw the displeased expression her mother had plastered on. "What do you mean?" She questioned thoroughly confused.
"I'm not clueless, Gwendolyn." Maggie put emphasize on her first full name making Gwen inwardly cringe. "You two haven't been speaking to each other for two weeks now. You guys barely even look at one another anymore!" She exclaimed in an exaggerated way.
Before Gwen was able to say anything else, Richie from the seat next to her made a show of finishing the food he had in his mouth. Maggie gave him an appalled look but he disregarded it. Richie then without saying anything turned to look at Gwen. His expression was set in stone but his eyes told a different story. After a few seconds of staring at Gwen he returned his gaze towards his mother. He adjusted his glasses as he stared at her. "There I looked at her. You happy now?" Richie asked caustically.
If Richie hadn't been mad at her, Gwen would have laughed for sure. Especially because of how annoyed their mother looked. Gwen though was quick to notice the flaming cheeks on her mother. That meant she was angry as much as she was annoyed. Gwen easily stepped in. Even though she wasn't on Richie's good side right now, Gwen still felt a duty to step in when her brother crossed a line with their mother. "Nothing's going on." Gwen said shrugging her shoulder. She now gained her mother's attention. "We just haven't been in a talkative mood."
Maggie nearly scoffed when hearing that. "You and Richie not talkative?" She did not believe her one bit. "Are we in some type of different dimension where the two of you are not blabbing nonstop?
Now that last comment was seriously uncalled for. Even Richie could tell you that. The bespectacled boy nervously glanced between his mother and sister, his remaining waffles long forgotten. He could tell by how Gwen was holding onto her fork that she was really pissed off. At that moment he wanted to reach out and comfort her...but the reminder that he was supposed to be mad at her refrained him doing so. He just anxiously continued to watch how this whole thing would play out.
Gwen had to control her breathing. It was hard to do so though. What her mother has just said bothered her a lot. Not only was that an insult at her but it was also aimed at Richie. To top it off her mother's tone of voice just made everything worse. There was a simple way to fix this mess between her mother and her, but as much as Gwen wanted to explain the real reason why Richie and her weren't talking, she couldn't. Her mother wouldn't believe her. What adult would? If Gwen were to tell her mother that she, Richie, and their friends had been confronting an evil entity that could take the form of a clown, Maggie would for sure think her, Richie, and the rest of the Losers were bat shit crazy. So Gwen didn't say that to her. Instead the fifteen year old had to come up with another response. And it was a response that included the anger her mother created within her because of that hurtful comment she had just made.
Gwen remained quiet for a few seconds. She gave her brother a side glance and that was enough to calm her down. The hold on her fork lessened as a slow cool smile appeared on her face. She stared evenly at Maggie. "Yes, I know it's hard to believe mother, but even us blabbers, as you like say, want to be quiet every once in awhile." She paused but she wasn't finished yet. She shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly to add more sting to what she was about to say to her. "You should try it some time. Would do you wonders."
Maggie was slack jawed. This made Richie's lips curls upwards in amusement. Gwen saw this and was pleased that she had gotten her brother to show another emotion instead of anger because of something she did or said. Besides, her brother's amused reaction though she saw how upset her mother now appeared to be. Gwen concluded that if she her mother had the ability to create steam out of her ears, they would at this very second. Luckily for Gwen it seemed Maggie was too agitated to even form a coherent retort. Now to add even more luck, right when it looked like Maggie was about to say something, the house doorbell rang.
"I'll get it." Gwen was quick to say. She got up from her seat without sparing her mother a glance.
The Tozier girl didn't know who to expect at the other side of the door (although she hoped it would be one of the Losers—specifically Stan), but disappointment and surprise soon invaded her features. When she opened the front door there was no one there. With a frown and furrowed eyebrows, Gwen looked around. After further investigation she still didn't get a glimpse of anyone around her house. Her puzzled state grew but came to a sudden halt when she finally looked down.
On the welcome mat her mother had put outside the front door was a small white box. It was the kind of box she assumed one would use for gifts. The bright silver bow that was planted on top of it just presented itself more as a gift box. Gwen had half a mind to just leave the box alone. That would be the smart thing to do after all. Besides with the things she had experienced and seen as of lately, the box could have been a trick of some sorts. Except something told her the pretty small box wasn't a baleful trick. And it was that reassured feeling that made her reach for the said item. After she opened the box and saw what exactly was inside she was left in awe.
Inside was the diamond ring she had been admiring all that while ago.
A series of questions went through Gwen's mind. What? How? Why? Or more importantly who left this thoughtful gift for her. There was no card or even a name written anywhere on the box for who the ring was for but Gwen knew that it was meant for her. The Tozier girl looked at the ring with a bedazzled expression. She felt a smile grace her face. It was a genuine smile, one she hadn't been displaying since the last two weeks. Now here she was with a joyful smile because of a gift someone left her. If only she knew who the person was that caused great joy within her.
Her moment of happiness was soon ruined when she heard her mother call out her name. With a huff the dark haired girl quickly managed to put the precious ring back inside the small box. Gwen then gently stuffed the box inside one of the pockets inside her pants. She needed a second to compose herself before she headed back into the kitchen. Although she smoothed out the smile she had on her face, there wasn't much she could do with the faint blush she felt on her cheeks. She figured since it was faint that it wouldn't be that noticeable.
As she walked back into the kitchen (acting as if nothing just wonderful had just occurred to her), Gwen sat down in her seat and once again started picking at her eggs with her fork. This time however she took a bite.
Richie was quick to see the difference in Gwen's attitude now that she was back. She seemed more...content. Was that because of who had been at the door? If so how come she didn't say anything once she sat down? A thought of jealously popped up. Maybe because it had been Bill. Except something told Richie it hadn't been the Denbrough boy who had knocked. If not him, then who? He discreetly continued to look at his sister with curiousness.
Maggie too was just as puzzled and wanted an answer. "Well, who was it?" She asked her daughter. She was still mad at Gwen for making such a carefree comment to her, but her anger at the moment was pushed aside because she wanted to know who had just knocked at her door.
Gwen noticed how her mother was putting effort on not lashing on Gwen. Although she was grateful for that, Gwen was more than capable on handling a ticked off Maggie Tozier. "It was nobody."
Maggie raised a single eyebrow at such response. "Nobody? You mean to tell me someone knocked on our door but nobody was there?"
Gwen nodded her head. "That's exactly what I said." She then made a faux quizzical expression. "Maybe you should get your hearing checked out. Make sure you don't have any wax stuck inside."
This time Richie couldn't help the small noise that sounded like a laugh from escaping him. Sure that last part didn't need to be said but after the comment Maggie had made to them, Gwen still had a need to strike back against her mother. This time though Gwen's retort certainly got Maggie to unleash her verbal anger onto her.
Except not even her mother's yelling could lessen the happy mood she was now in.
All thanks to that mysterious person who had gifted her with that lovely diamond ring.
Thanks to that last comment she made to her mother, Gwen ended up getting a long and heavy yelling session. Which of course blew chucks of dirt. After ten minutes of getting yelled at (ten minutes that felt like ten hours), Maggie ordered her to wash the dishes, take out the trash, clean all the bathrooms in the house, and last but not least organize the garage.
Now Gwen didn't mind the first three tasks. Cleaning the dishes was easy work and so was taking out the trash. As for cleaning the bathrooms, that wasn't really hard work either. However, organizing the garage was a different story. The garage was the very definition of untidy. Sure her father liked to hide in there, but by no means was the garage orderly. There was tons of stuff in there. It was basically a storage place for unwanted things.
When her mother had ordered her to organize the garage, Gwen couldn't stop the shocked and slightly unnerved expression that crossed her face. She was unnerved because of the memory of what happened in Bill's garage. With a huge Pennywise crawling towards them. That was a memory that would forever be stay in her head. So being ordered to clean the garage was nerve-wracking. Although Gwen had to remind herself that the last time she or any of the other Losers saw IT, the entity was seriously hurt. Impaled in one of ITs eyes thanks to Beverly. Perhaps that's why IT hadn't come back yet. The entity was probably still severely hurt and wasn't strong enough. Or perhaps it was hatching a plan of some sorts. Whatever the reason, Gwen was still on edge. Now one would think IT was dead because of ITs absence, but Gwen knew it would take a lot more than a injury to ITs eye in order to permanently end the malevolent entity's life.
Luckily for Gwen she was able to open the garage door all the way, letting the light in and making the darkness disappear. That eased her. What eased her even more was the fact that Richie was there with her. Well, kind of. He wasn't inside the garage per say but her little brother made sure to ride his bike outside while Gwen was inside the garage. No doubt discreetly keeping an eye on her as she finished the task she was ordered to do by their mother.
At some point during her organizing session her father passed by the garage from outside. He didn't even look surprised when he saw her in the garage moving stuff around. All Wentworth said to her was "you back talk your mother?" He didn't sound mad when he asked, he was more tired than anything. Gwen with a sheepish expression had nodded her head. Wentworth in response just let out a heavy sigh before walking away. No doubt bummed that his hide out/relaxing place was unavailable at the moment.
It took about four hours for Gwen to finally get everything in the damn garage organized. After that doing that task, she never wanted to do that again. Not only because she was unnerved with being inside a garage by herself, but also because of all the freakin' spiders she encountered. Throughout such session she had to fight spiders after spider off of her from left to right. It was fuckin' traumatizing. When she walked out of the garage dirty covered with cobwebs and dust, Maggie was standing there with a firm expression. Her mother didn't say anything to her, just offered her a towel, silently telling to go wash up.
That had been yesterday.
Now it was Saturday.
The day of Stan's Bar Mitzvah.
Up until now she had been super excited to attend Stan's Bar Mitzvah. It was all the curly haired boy could talk about for the last past months and Gwen had been happy that she and Richie were invited to attend such an important event for Stan. All the Losers had been invited, but because of the argument that occurred Gwen wasn't sure if any of the other Losers were still going to go. She hoped that they would. Richie and her were still going even despite the rift.
The Tozier girl even got Stan a gift. For her at the beginning it had been a challenge to find something right for Stan. It wasn't until she went into the small antique shop the town had that she found the perfect gift for him. It was an old but still in good condition collectors bird book. Although Stan had told her that he didn't want a gift from her, Gwen still got it for him. And the fifteen year old couldn't wait to to give him his present. Despite them going different ways regarding the argument that happened, Gwen still wanted to make Stan happy. Today was his special day.
Although she was happy for Stan, Gwen didn't feel ready for such a special occasion.
Gwen at the moment was staring at herself using her bedroom mirror. She really disliked the way she looked. Well...she always to a certain extent disliked the way she looked. She had never been one hundred percent confident with her looks. She thought her hair was annoying (too long for her liking), she was too tall (in her insecure mind), and she wasn't exactly the skinniest of girls. Her mother said she had curves but Gwen didn't think that. She hated how fast she developed compared to the other girls her age. It's what caused the most problems for her. Today her self-consciousness was higher than usual. It had more to do with the back of her head. Since the Neibolt incident she was extra wary with the injury she got on the back of her head. When Maggie had seen her bruised, dirty (missing one of her shoes), and bleeding from the back of her head, she had been pissed and worried.
Maggie questioned her with what the hell she had been up to and Gwen was convincing with her answer. She had told her mother she had climbed a tree and fell. Her mother right away took her answer because it seemed like something she would do and rushed her to the doctor. Once there Gwen knew she would be getting stitches. That alone wasn't avoidable. So she was prepared for the doctor to cut or shave off the part of her hair to get to her injury. However, Maggie had stopped the doctor from doing that. Insisting that they let Gwen keep her long hair and to just work around the hair to stitch her bleeding injury. The doctor had been bemused by such request and despite Gwen telling her mother that she didn't mind the doctor cutting or shaving her hair off, Maggie wouldn't hear it. With a hard voice she told the doctor to just leave her hair alone and stitch her up the best he could.
Much to Gwen's surprise the doctor followed her mother's request and Gwen had to endure getting stitched with her long wavy hair in the way. It had been fuckin' annoying. Even though the stitches had healed by now Gwen's cautiousness hadn't left. Sure her hair covered it up, but Gwen knew she would have felt better if the doctor had just cut or shaved her hair off. Some girls would have been glad the doctor hadn't done that, but Gwen wasn't really. She had half a mind now to just cut her hair the same length Beverly had cut hers. Long hair was just a damn hassle to deal with. But Maggie would explode with shock if Gwen ended up cutting her hair randomly and short as Beverly had.
Maybe one day.
So because of her growing annoyance with her hair, Gwen left her hair as it was for today. In its natural waves. She only brushed it enough for it to be presentable. Her mother would have a fit if she saw her with her messy hair. And Gwen already knew Maggie was going to highly protest once she saw the dress she was wearing for the Bar Mitzvah.
Maggie bought her a pink and white dress for her to wear. As if that weren't girly enough the dress also had flowers designs. Gwen absolutely did not want to wear that dress. So she picked another dress she had hidden in her closet. It was a black long sleeved lace dress. The dress wasn't the same length as the dress her mother bought for her. The black dress was slightly longer, passing her knees a bit, but Gwen much preferred that style. She hated wearing short dresses—always had. She thought her choice of dress was practical yet formal enough. Yes it was black, but so what? It was still a dress (a dress she felt comfortable in) and in her mind it was quite a styling one. She knew that Stan wouldn't disapprove and that was all that really mattered.
Gwen still had to witness her mother's reaction when she came downstairs with Stan's wrapped gift in her hands. Her outburst was exactly as Gwen predicted.
"You can't wear that!" Maggie exclaimed, horrified at what her daughter was wearing. Just what was she thinking?! She herself was wearing a formal violet colored dress. Her own hair was in a up do hairstyle, with the remaining loose hairs curled.
Gwen let out a huff. "And why not?" She asked completely looking passed her mother's appalled exterior form.
"Because it looks like you're going to a funeral!" Maggie snapped at her.
Gwen however didn't let that comment get to her. She gave her mother a tired expression, one that mirrored her father's. Oh, how she wished her father was here again. But like usual he made the excuse that he was needed at work. "Mother, if I were going to a funeral I wouldn't have done my hair. Now would I?"
Maggie blinked several times. She'd done her hair? To her it certainly didn't appear so. She opened her mouth ready to make this verbally known, but never got to do so.
"Mom." Richie said catching her attention. Both Maggie and Gwen looked his way. Gwen now really noticed how spiffy he looked. He was wearing a light blue suit with a black tie. She could tell how uncomfortable he was due to him pulling at the sleeves like he was right now. He never liked dressing up, not that Gwen blamed him. She didn't either but today they had to. For Stan. Richie let go of his sleeves and adjusted his glasses. "Let her wear the dress." He said, his voice leveled out. "We're gonna be late."
Gwen was surprised that Richie had spoken up, that he was actually siding with her. She continued to look at him as Richie continued to look at his mother, waiting to see what she would say.
After what felt like an eternity Maggie relented. She let out a exasperated huff. "Fine." She answered reluctantly. "Let's just go. Come on." She hurriedly walked towards the front door, purse and car keys in hand.
When Richie walked passed Gwen, she spoke up. "Thanks." She said not expecting him to acknowledge her whatsoever. To her surprise he did and that made Gwen stagger back a bit.
Richie had faltered in his steps and turned to look at her. He saw how shocked his sister appeared to be because he had actually stopped. At that moment there were so many things Richie wanted to say to his older sister. "I'm sorry" being the main one. He didn't want Gwen to think he hated her, because he didn't. But he also didn't feel like right now was the moment to work things out. Not yet. So Richie cleared his throat. "I just spoke the truth." He softly said, finally speaking to her. Two weeks silent treatment and that was all he could say to her. He lowered his gaze away from her. "Now hurry up." He muttered and then then followed their mother.
Gwen had to secure the hold on Stan's gift. Richie talking to her again had almost made her drop the wrapped gift. Her younger brother openly acknowledged her...finally. He talked to her. Sure it was short and rushed, but he said something to her. That was a good thing, wasn't it? This is no way meant that they would be returning to how things were before between the two of them, but it was a step forward towards the right direction. She let herself smile for a few seconds there before finally making her way outside to catch up with her mother and Richie.
Gwen Tozier never really considered herself to be the religious type of person. Even despite her parents being full on Methodists. Throughout the years (attending church every now and again) religion never really settled with Gwen. She knew Richie wasn't fully religious either (he just acted like he knew—often by joking around), but he for sure believed in that stuff way more than she did. Gwen also wasn't one to really believe in labels, but if the fifteen year old had to label herself then she would call herself an Agnostic. Agnosticism is what she felt most comfortable telling people she was when asked what her religious beliefs were. Why? Well because it was just a safe option for her.
A person who claims neither faith or disbelief in God.
That was the definition of Agnosticism. Plain and simple. Easy, right? Well, not exactly. At least not for Gwen. Her doubting characteristics and her claim to be an Agnostic never got any good reactions. Especially not from her mother. Maggie Tozier sure didn't like it when Gwen spoke so unsure about religion. Her mother had wanted her to be like her and be fully devoted or at least more interested, but that just wasn't Gwen.
Not even Francine could understand her reasoning behind being Agnostic. It got to the point to where Gwen didn't even want to talk about religion. Not to her parents, Francine, or anyone else for that matter. She'd turn the blind eye and avoid it as the plague. However, due to the recent awful things that have occurred, it made Gwen wonder...
Since she now knew an evil entity like IT existed, that meant there had to be a counter opposite of IT...right? Would that entity be that so called God her mother told her growing up to pray to when the going got tough? Did God even exist though? Gwen still wasn't one hundred percent sure. However, if something bad like IT existed then God had to exist too, right? Or maybe something close to God? A type of benevolent being. Except, where was that good entity when she and her friends needed it? Why leave them to fend for themselves?
That's what caused mixed thoughts and feelings to surge within Gwen.
She just simply wasn't so sure anymore.
Gwen knew though that there were other religions besides Methodism. Stan was a perfect example with him being Jewish. Sure Gwen wasn't highly devoted with her own religion like Stan was with Judaism but Gwen still respected his beliefs. She in no way made fun of or degraded for what he believed in. In fact, she didn't cause any sort of conflict towards other peoples religious beliefs. If they weren't harming themselves or others, then why cause trouble? People could be cruel. Like Henry Bowers' cruel.
That's what Gwen thought as she, Richie, and their mother stepped inside the synagogue. The fifteen year old was amazed by how full it was inside. She right away ignored the scrutinizing gazes people were throwing her. Sadly as she did this she noticed that none of the others Losers were present. She frowned at that and from the side she could see Richie coming to that realization himself. She once again secured the gift she had in her hand as she let her gaze wander around the synagogue again in hopes of catching a glimpse of Stan.
It didn't take long to find the curly haired boy. Except today he wasn't his usual curly haired self. Right when Gwen saw him the first thing she noticed was how his hair was slicked back. The second thing she noticed was the attire he had on. Gwen had to admit to herself that he looked handsome. On that handsome face of his though was a high-strung expression. He was off to the side appearing as if he were reciting words to himself. He was nervous that much was obvious. Gwen tried excusing herself from her mother and brother, but Maggie spoke up.
"Richie, do you want to go with her and say hi to Stanley?"
The bespectacled boy looked Gwen before glancing at the gift she had in her hands. He knew the struggle Gwen went through to find that gift for Stan. Even despite the silent treat he had been giving her. He was well aware that she wanted to give Stan's gift alone. He wasn't about to ruin that. Also, maybe if she talked to Stan there was the hopes that his friend would finally confess the feelings he had for her. If only. It was those reasons alone that made Richie shake his head. "No, I'll say hi to him later."
Gwen smiled at that and gave Richie a nod of thanks. In return Richie just returned the nod before walking away with their mother. Yet again it seemed that things between the siblings were progressing slowly. The Tozier girl then resumed making her way towards where Stan was at.
It was an odd knowing feeling of some sorts, but Stan automatically knew that she was here. Lifting up his gaze, his light brown eyes landed onto her beautiful oncoming form. It was like the fourth of July festival all over again. The rest of the people around them disappeared and all Stan focused on was Gwen. The dress she had on was breathtaking and even though it was a looked down upon color, Stan had to admit Gwen did the dress justice.
And as Gwen walked down the aisle of the synagogue to get towards him, Stan couldn't help the daydream that popped into his head.
Gwen in a wedding dress walking down the aisle to meet him. Them getting married was just a ludicrous fantasy of his (one he had never had before until this very moment), but whoa what a fantasy that was. It was one Stan wanted to be true. But it wasn't. Not now that is.
Stan was blushing from head to toe when Gwen stopped in front of him. During her walk, he failed to notice the wrapped gift she was holding. When he finally saw it, his stomach fluttered. Except what made his happiness grow more was seeing her wear the diamond ring she pointed out from the jewelry shop all those weeks ago. The same ring he bought for her and then left in a box at her front door. It took him all the saved up allowance from the past year to purchase such ring, but it was worth it in his eyes.
"Hey, Stan." Gwen cheerfully greeted him.
Stan had to control his heartbeat now that she was close to him. "Hi, Gwen. You look nice." She looked more than nice. She looked beautiful. Stan wanted to say that but his flustered self was preventing him from saying so.
Gwen smiled. "Thanks, but if we're giving out compliments then I have to say you look handsome. Not that you usually don't because you do." She shut her mouth right after she said that. She blushed mad hard. Where in the hell had that come from? Out of nervousness she reached for the diamond ring she had on. It was an action Stan took notice to and it took quite an effort for him not to smile pleasantly.
"So, uh, are you ready?" Gwen asked him. She figured if she moved on the conversation the better chance he'd forget about that slip up she made.
The nerves from before came back with a vengeance. "I'm trying not to be nervous but..." Stan let out a sigh. "I'm afraid I'll end up embarrassing my father." He admitted to Gwen. "For months now I've been practicing, but I always seem to mess up. Gwen..." His eyes softened and Gwen felt immense compassion for him. The Tozier girl didn't need to think about her next action because she did it out of instinct. Stan was slightly thrown back when used one of her hands to grab one of his. They had done this a bunch of times now and it still affected him dearly. Despite being surprised, he basked in the cool feeling the diamond ring left within his hand.
"Stanley Uris." Gwen said earnestly making him feel butterflies in his stomach. "You go out there and give it your all. If you mess up...then you mess up, but at least you tried." She gently squeezed his hand. "And that's what counts, right? That you worked up the courage to succeed. Besides, I know you can do it. I believe in you."
She believed in him? Stan's eyes gleamed with adoration. Was there anything Gwen could say that wouldn't cause his feelings for her to escalate? "Thanks, Gwen." He said returning the hand squeeze. His gaze then landed onto said wrapped gift that Gwen was holding with her other free hand. Gwen noticed this and smiled bashfully.
"Anyways, um, this is for you." Gwen said finally giving her gift to him.
Stan smiled and took a hold of the gift. "Thanks, but I thought I told you not to get me anything."
Gwen gave him a low laugh. "You thought I'd actually listen to that silly request?"
Stan laughed in return. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you didn't." He became earnest with her and squeezed her hand he was still holding onto. "Thank you."
Despite not wanting to, Gwen felt her stomach flutter. "I really hope you like it."
"I'm sure I will." Stan said, the smile that graced his face becoming brighter as the seconds passed by. "No matter what it is."
Had his eyes always been that nice shade of light brown? Gwen wondered adoringly. As soon as she thought this Gwen chastised herself. What was going on with her? Why was she thinking that? This was Stan...maybe it was just because she hadn't seen or talked to him...yes perhaps that was just it.
No.
A voice said in her head. This was her emotional side speaking. The side she had been avoiding since IT admitted Chase died because he more than liked her. That was something Gwen was still trying to deal with. Countless nights now she had cried herself to sleep because of the guilt she felt over Chase's death. He had died because she liked him, and because he liked her...maybe he even loved her. And now here she was getting giddy feelings towards Stan? No...she couldn't...she refused to feel romantic feelings towards Stan. How could she like Stan? She kept telling herself that her heart still belonged to Chase, that not only was it foolish to like Stan, but it was wrong. Liking Stan would only bring more danger into his life.
Except maybe she didn't have to worry at all. Just because she might be starting to like Stan, that didn't necessarily mean he liked her back. At least she hoped he didn't because if there was anything Gwen learned from Chase's unfair death, it was that anyone who liked her back romantically didn't get such a good ending.
Poor Chase was a prime example of that.
Oh Chase. Gwen released a sad sigh. She felt tears want to escape her but she did well in pushing them down.
Gwen at that very second should have let go of his hand, but with the way Stan held softly onto hers made it impossible to let go. She knew she had to though. "Stan, I have to—"
"Stanley."
It was finally then that Gwen and Stan let go of each other hands.
The pair had been so lost with each other that they didn't hear the oncoming footsteps. In front of them now stood Stan's father. Rabbi Donald Uris. There were two things Gwen knew about Donald Uris. One, he was a very devoted Rabbi—proud of his religion. Second, like Sonia Kaspbrak, Donald wasn't a huge fan of Gwen. The difference between Sonia and him though was that Donald had better control with his dislike towards Gwen. Well sort of. Instead of showing plain hate towards Gwen, Donald was more austere with the way he interacted with her. Despite this Gwen had to admit Mr. Uris put her on edge. With his sudden presence, Gwen got a somewhat better understanding with how Stan felt regarding his father putting constant pressure on him to excel.
Gwen suddenly felt uncomfortable, but she worked through it. "Hello, Mr. Uris." She respectfully addressed him.
Rabbi Donald Uris was wearing a similar outfit as Stan. The only difference was that he appeared more strict. Then again Gwen was aware that he was just as a strict on the inside as he was on the outside.
Donald gave her a single nod of recognition. "Gwendolyn."
Again with the first full name. Gwen had to contain the exasperated sigh that wanted to escape her.
"Do you mind giving my son and I moment to speak with each other."
Although it sounded like a question, Gwen knew that it wasn't. She nodded her head. "Of course." She threw Stan another smile before walking back to her mother and Richie. With a wistful look in his eyes, Stan watched her leave. His longing was soon interrupted by his father
"Stanley, you're sweating profusely." Donald said with a deep frown. "Get a hold of yourself." He ordered raising his voice a bit. "You're about to go on. This appearance you have is unacceptable."
Stan didn't even know he had been sweating. He must have been too dazed with Gwen's presence. On his fathers command that's exactly what Stan did. He fixed his appearance...or at least tried to. Stan wanted to gain approval from his father, but he couldn't help look towards Gwen's form again.
As he did this, Donald eyed the present Stan had in his hands with distaste. He glanced back and forth between the present and where Gwen was at before finally settling his gaze back onto his son. "I'm very aware of what's going on." He informed him.
Stan's eyes widened. He held the Gwen's gift closer to his chest. "Aware of w-w-what?" He stammered.
"Your feelings for the Tozier girl." Donald spewed out. "And I must say it is unacceptable."
Oh dear, even his father knew of the feelings he had for Gwen. The normal reaction at this point was to freak out. Stan, however, didn't. What his father said stopped him from doing so. "What, why?" He questioned, frowning. Why did his father think his feelings for Gwen were unacceptable?
"What do you mean why?" Donald asked, irritated. He did well in hiding his annoyance considering the people that were around them. He lowered his voice as he continued speaking with his son. "How would that look? For the Rabbi's son to be with someone like her? She's not even Jewish." He shook his head, offended at the idea of that. "No, that just won't do."
Someone like her? That's why his father disapproved? Also because Gwen wasn't Jewish? Stan respected and cared a lot for his religion (even despite the constant pressures his father put on him), but even he had to admit the reason his father gave him for not being with Gwen was ridiculous. "I have strong feelings for her." Stanley heartily explained to him.
Donald made a face as if he thought that comment was such a child like thing to say. Since to him it was. "It's just a crush, Stanley. A doltish crush that will pass. Hopefully sooner than later." He muttered the last part to himself.
Stan still heard him and it got him thinking. The curly haired boy knew it wouldn't pass because it wasn't just a doltish crush as his father described it. What he felt for Gwen couldn't be described as a crush anymore. Throughout the summer the feelings he had for Gwen had transformed into something stronger, more meaningful. To put it in simplest terms, Stan was in love with Gwen. He one hundred percent without a doubt in the crazy world they lived in was in love with her.
Now that he really thought about it he could pinpoint the exact moment he fell in love with her. The quarry. On the day he and the rest of his friends had gone swimming. The day he had seen Gwen so carefree and happy without any worry radiating off of her. It was that day Stan had seen her natural beauty. The specific day that Gwen Tozier had put him under her spell.
Stan once again held her gift closer to him.
I love Gwen with all my heart. I really do. And no one, not even my own father, can stop me from loving her.
His thoughts were interrupted when he felt a touch on his shoulder. He looked up to be met with his father's stern gaze. "She's just not good enough for you, son." Donald firmly informed him.
To say Stan was shocked and hurt to hear that from his father was a understatement. Donald saw the look his son had but openly disregarded it. He remained his strict self. "Now go set that gift down somewhere. You don't need to be holding it." When he saw how his son wasn't moving, Donald narrowed his eyes. "Now Stanley." He ordered.
Stan wanted to tell his father off. Oh, how he wanted to do that. He couldn't stand by again and watch and hear someone disrespect Gwen again. He still felt guilty for not standing up to Eddie's mother. The thirteen year old wanted more than anything to go back in time to shield Gwen from her verbal insults. But alas that wasn't possible. So he had to move on pass that, but now here was his own father saying Gwen wasn't good enough for him. The hell was that about? What did his father now about love? Stan had enough of his father's unalterable comportment. He had to finally stand up, not only for himself, but also for the girl he loved. And Stan knew how he was going to do so.
As that was happening, Gwen had settled down with her mother and Richie. As she was sitting between her brother and mother, she saw Stan's mother approaching. The older woman said hello to Maggie before sitting down next to Richie. She gave the youngest Tozier a simple smile of recollection. Richie did the same and then her eyes landed onto Gwen.
"Hello, Mrs. Uris." Gwen politely greeted Stan's mother.
Andrea James Uris remained quiet as she eyed what Gwen was wearing. An astonished expression passed through her eyes before she managed to present a well-disposed smile to the Tozier girl. "Hello, Gwen."
Gwen accepted the greeting despite the passive aggressive attitude that lurked behind it.
Mrs. Uris had never been one to openly admit she disliked Gwen, but something within the fifteen year old said that Stan's mother didn't have the strongest opinions on her either. Now it wasn't full on hate like how Eddie's mother felt towards her, or even a stern exterior form that Stan's father displayed for her. No, Stan's mother was skillful in hiding the antipathy she had for her. Did it bother Gwen that Stan's mother disliked her? Yes it did, but by now Gwen was used to adults not liking her. At least Andrea hadn't (well she's never had) used her full name like how Sonia or Donald have done. That was something Gwen took as a good sign from Stan's mother.
Gwen's attention was soon pulled when she saw Stan walking towards the entrance of the synagogue. She saw him gently put aside her gift on the floor there. At first she was confused as to why he was doing that, but then realized that he was about to go on. It wouldn't make sense for him to hold onto a gift during his special moment. As he hurriedly walked back to where his father was at Stan spared her a glance. To Gwen though it wasn't an ordinary glance. It was one that left a heavy impact on Gwen. Once again she hid anyway giddy feelings that wanted to resurface. She instantly reached for her the diamond ring she was wearing as she watched Stan reach the middle of the synagogue.
Within a matter of minutes the ceremony started.
Gwen had never been to a Bar Mitzvah before. So it was interesting to see one up close and personal. She had no idea what Stan was saying, but that didn't stop the awe she felt for him. He sounded wonderful. Every time he looked towards Richie and her, she made sure to flash him an encouraging smile. Yes she was still having a inner conflict with herself but she couldn't let that get in the way of supporting her friend. However during the moments when Stan wasn't looking their way, Gwen found herself staring at her ring with awe struck eyes. She was completely unaware that Stan, the boy who was giving his Bar Mitzvah speech, the same boy she had come to ardently care for during the summer (even despite telling herself she didn't), was the one who had given it to her.
Once Stan finished pronouncing that last word of the Torah, Stan's father, along with the rest of the crowd (including Gwen) waited patiently for him to continue speaking. Gwen felt a little bemused as to why Stan had such a solid expression on. She would have figured he'd be smiling knowing he had done well so far. From beside her Richie too looked a bit puzzled. Even more so when Stan grabbed the microphone from the stand.
"Um, reflecting on what I just read...I like what it says about indifference." Stan spoke to the audience. "Well, when you're a kid you think the universe revolves around you. That you'll always be protected and cared for. That you'll always have the same friends as when you were a kid." Gwen turned to look at Richie and she was rewarded with the same expression she had on. They were both beyond perplexed. Was this part of the speech Stan had to make? Said boy could see how confused everyone looked. Especially his own father. Good. He continued speaking. "Then, one day, something bad happens, and you realize that's not true. You wake up suddenly not caring about lives outside your own. Nothing going on outside your front door matters anymore."
"Stanley..." Donald whispered to his son. Stan ignored him.
"You separate yourself from anything that might matter to you. Neighbors, family..." Stanley gazed over at Richie and Gwen. "Your friends." He took a deep breath, composing himself. "But when you're alone as a kid, the monsters see you as weaker, and they start to come for you. You don't even know they're getting closer...until it's too late. So they attack you before you find the truth about what's happening." Both Gwen and Richie were now staring at Stan with amazement rather than puzzlement. Stan was speaking the damn truth to everyone else who were too blind to notice what was going on in their precious town of Derry. "If any of you opened your eyes, if you really cared, you would see what we're going through. I guess indifference is a part of growing up."
"Stanley." He father said more forceful this time.
Once again Stan didn't stop with his speech. His voice took a profound tone. "Becoming an adult isn't about being able to vote, or being able to drink or drive." When his father took another step towards him, Stan backed away as he continued to talk into the microphone. "Becoming an adult, according to the holy scripture of Derry, is learning not to give a shit!"
After saying that, Stan threw the microphone to the floor. Before his father was able to grab a hold of him, Stan made a run towards the entrance of the synagogue. Everyone apart from Richie and Gwen were shocked at Stan's outburst. Including Stan's mother who was still trying to process what just happened. She remained planted in her seat with an wide eyed expression.
"And one more thing..." Stan finally said from where he was now standing at. Gwen felt her stomach do twists when she saw how Stan was holding onto her gift again. She also took notice with how he was looking right at his father. His stare was hard and serious. "Only I get to decide who's good enough for me or not." After saying that Stan directed his attention onto Gwen. The anger that resided in his eyes left the instant he saw her. Tenderness filled those light brown eyes of his.
Gwen felt her heartbeat pick up pace with the way he looked at her. Her cheeks burned at the realization that everyone else was witnessing this moment he and her were having. Her mother, younger brother, Stan's parents...and bunch of other Derry residents were staring at the young teens. Bemusement seemed to be the most given expression at the moment.
Stan though didn't care, that much was obvious. The young boy just continued to gaze adoringly at Gwen before he finally left the synagogue. Her gift clinging to his chest as he ran off.
There was absolute silence. No one in the synagogue said or did anything. Well, that was until Richie got up to stand from his seat. He had on a smile on his face as he started to proudly clap. He wasn't only clapping because of Stan's outburst towards his father but also because in some way the curly haired boy admitted his crush on Gwen. Stan the Man finally stepped up to the plate.
Gwen, despite being thoroughly thrown off by Stan's last statement, went to follow Richie's actions, but unfortunately Maggie never allowed them to do so. The older woman saw how peeved off Stan's parents were, so she was quick to pull Gwen and Richie down to their seats.
With a huff they sat back down. Richie, however, wasn't done with his lightheartedness. "So, I guess there's no after party?" Richie asked breaking the silence that filled the synagogue.
"I guess not." Gwen softly whispered.
Maggie Tozier threw both of her children a look that said, be quiet and behave. Richie made a show of crossing his arms over his chest as he reluctantly closed his mouth. Gwen also stayed silent. Except she was quiet for a whole different reason.
Stan didn't openly say it out-loud, but that outburst at the end was enough for Gwen to finally connect everything together. Stan liked her. One of her younger brother's best friends (and one of her own friends) liked her. Stan who she'd known basically her entire life had feelings for her. The curly haired boy who she just not that long ago tried convincing herself that he didn't like her, did in fact like her.
Oh crap.
Now that she knew for sure that Stan liked her, Gwen could no longer deny her own feelings that had been slowly growing inside her. Feelings that were for Stan...because that was the truth. Gwen did like him, and that caused great distraught within the fifteen year old. Since it was feelings like those that eventually ended Chase's life. Love...but was it full on love with Stan? Perhaps. Either way, Gwen having romantic feelings for Stan was like her putting a death curse on him.
Gwen had to close her eyes in order to stop herself from crying.
Stan's life was now ruined and it was all because of her.