The idea for this story came from some of the things Maya said in the flashbacks in 3x05.
Maya's relationship with food was not healthy. When she was growing up, her father had tight control over her diet, just like everything else in her life.
She had a distinct memory of when she was eight. She was at a birthday party for a girl down the street. She didn't usually get to go to a lot of parties because of training, which even at that age was 7 days a week, at least three hours a day. However, she had worked really hard that morning and got her dad to let her go. She had had a great time, doing crafts with the other kids, playing games, and gossiping.
Toward the end of the party, it was time for cake and as much as Maya knew her dad wouldn't approve, she took the smallest piece she could, even skipping the ice cream. However, as she took her third bite, her dad walked in, frowning when he saw what she was doing. The young girl set down her fork, not looking at her father.
"Maya," her dad said, "It's time to go."
Maya nodded, throwing the rest of her cake in the trash can before telling her friend happy birthday again before leaving.
"What the hell were you doing?" her dad asked, looking at her.
"I didn't want to be rude…" Maya tried, not looking at her dad.
"No," her dad said, "You were being stupid and lazy. Eating sugar like that will slow you down, ruin your time, make you get fat."
Maya nodded, feeling tears prick her eyes. Her dad drove to the track, stopping the car.
"What are we doing?" Maya asked timidly.
"You are doing to run," her dad said, "To work off the cake you just ate."
"But I'm not wearing my running clothes," Maya said, looking down at her jeans, sweater, and converse, "I'm not even wearing the right shoes."
"Out," her dad said, opening his door.
She walked down to the track, starting to run as her dad watched.
"What are you doing?" he yelled, "Faster."
Maya ran as fast as she could, her feet aching from the lack of support in her shoes. She ran for almost an hour before she stopped, throwing up in a trash can.
"Keep going," her dad called as she stood there, trying to catch her breath.
She was going to argue, say that she couldn't, but that just meant worse punishment later. She took a deep breath, spitting one last time before starting to run again. He kept her out there for another hour.
By the time they got in the car, Maya's legs were burning, her stomach hurt, and she felt all round terrible. They got home and she went to shower before heading to dinner.
After all that running, she was hungry and ready for a good meal. She sat down at the table, excited when she saw her mom had made roast beef, one of her favorite meals. However, when the rest of the family sat down, her father handed her the bowl of salad and refused to give her anything else. She ate a little bit before just sitting in silence.
Maya learned to never eat sweets. There were a few times she did eat them, but every time her father found out, the punishments got worse. There was once that he didn't let her have any food for an entire day because she ate a Hershey bar.
As she got older, she just said no. She almost never indulged and if she ever did, she would punish herself after with insane workouts. She would refuse cake at parties if she could and if she couldn't she'd figure out how to eat as little as possible. She never drank sodas or ate candy.
It wasn't that she didn't like it because she did, but she refused to do anything that would make her father angrier at her than he already was. It was just one more thing she did to try to earn his love. As she moved out and stopped running professionally, she couldn't drop her need to please her dad.
When she started dating Carina, the brunette didn't think anything of Maya refusing to get dessert after dinner. She didn't even think it was strange that Maya didn't want to go to get ice cream one afternoon.
However, when Carina offered her some of her Italian Nutella and Maya refused, Carina noticed.
"Come on," she said, "You have to try it. It's so much better than the disgusting excuse for Nutella you have here."
"No," Maya said, shaking her head, "No thanks."
"I don't share this with just anyone," Carina said, getting out two spoons, "Just try a little."
"I'm not hungry," Maya claimed, still refusing.
Carina through it was a little odd, but decided not to push. About two weeks later, Maya was over at Carina's after a particularly long double shift.
"I have a surprise," Carina said as they went into the kitchen.
"I like surprises," Maya said, smiling as she sat down.
Carina went to the fridge, pulling out a pan of something.
"I made homemade tiramisu," Carina said, setting the dish down in front of Maya, going and grabbing two forks.
"Oh," Maya said, biting her lip.
"What?" Carina said, confused, "Do you not like tiramisu?"
"Umm…" Maya said, trying to decide what to do as she looked and saw Carina's face fall a little, "No, I do. Looks great."
She took a fork from her girlfriend and they both took a bite.
"Oh wow Carina," Maya said, her eyes wide, "This is amazing. I didn't know you were this good of a cook."
"I learned from my nona," Carina said, shrugging as she took another bite.
Maya set her fork down.
Don't you want more?" Carina asked, confused.
"I'm.. um… I'm not feeling that great," Maya lied, "I'll be fine, I just don't want to push it."
Carina didn't really buy it, but she again decided not to push it. They spent the rest of the night together, although the next morning, Maya slipped out of bed early to get a long run in along with a core workout, all before Carina even woke up.
After that, they hit their rough patch with Maya cheating and having to start to deal with her childhood abuse.
About a month and a half after everything went down with Maya's dad, Carina brought over some cannoli from a bakery Amelia had found. It had been a long week for both of them, and Carina thought they deserved a treat. She knocked before walking into Maya's apartment, finding her girlfriend curled up on the couch with a book.
"Hey," Carina said, coming in, "How was your day?"
"Long," Maya said, getting up and giving the brunette a kiss, "Stupid B shift and their stupid flu that made us work a double. And I swear everyone decided it was a great idea to run their electrically shotty appliances in the middle of the night the past two nights so we didn't sleep either night. And I'm kinda starving because I got home about twenty minutes ago and wanted to wait for you for dinner. How was your day?"
"Not that long," Carina said, "But I did have three mamas deliver last night so it was busy. I brought home something."
"What is it?" Maya asked as Carina set the box down on the counter.
"Cannoli," Carina said, opening the lid, "I need to go change and then we can enjoy these."
Maya's face fell as Carina went into the bedroom. She had been working hard in therapy to deal with everything that had happened when she was a kid, but she hadn't even thought about the food thing until tonight. She went to the couch, curling up in a ball, trying to figure out what to do.
Her mind started racing, and she felt a panic attack coming. She had no desire to deal with this tonight, to have to go though another trauma from her past.
"So I was thinking maybe we could order in tonight since I know I don't feel like cooking and I'm sure you don't either so…" Carina stopped when she walked into the living room, seeing Maya in the midst of a panic attack on the couch, "Bella, what's going on?"
Carina sat down next to her girlfriend, going through their normal routine for when Maya had a panic attack which was unfortunately happening more as Maya processed through her past.
Once the panic attack finished, Carina just held her for a while.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked after while.
"Not really," Maya said, shaking her head. Carina nodded, pressing a kiss into Maya's hair.
They just sat there for a while longer before Maya moved out of Carina's arms.
"Are you feeling like some dinner?" Carina asked gently.
"I… I guess," Maya said, nodding, "Whatever you want is fine with me."
"Chinese?" Carina asked.
"Sounds good," Maya said, nodding.
Carina put in the order before sitting back down with the box of cannoli.
"I was thinking maybe dessert before dinner tonight?" Carina said, picking up two of the treats, handing one to Maya.
"No thanks," Maya said, putting up her hand, "I'm not hungry."
"I know that's not true," Carina said, eying her, "You told me you hadn't eaten all day when I got home."
"I'll just wait for dinner," Maya said, shaking her head.
"Come on," Carina said, "They're so good."
"I said no Carina," Maya said, getting up and storming into her bedroom.
Carina frowned, realizing there was a lot more going on here than Maya told her. She decided to give her a few minutes to calm down, knowing the blonde was still working on how to respond to situations she didn't want to deal with.
After about ten minutes, Carina got up, going to the bedroom door. She knocked gently.
"Can I come in?" she asked softly.
"Yeah," Maya said softly as Carina opened the door.
Maya was curled up in bed, tear stains on her cheeks.
"Ready to talk about it now?" Carina asked, standing in the doorway.
"Not really," Maya said, not moving from her spot, "But I should."
Carina was about to walk in the room when there was a knock on the door.
"That's the food," Carina said with a sigh, "I'll be right back."
Carina went and got the food, setting it in the kitchen before going back to the bedroom.
"You should go eat dinner," Maya mumbled from where she was still curled up in bed, "We can talk after."
"You need to eat too Bella," Carina said, sitting down next to her and brushing a piece of stray hair off her forehead.
"I'm honestly not hungry right now," Maya said, shaking her head, "That panic attack kinda ruined my appetite. I feel terrible right now."
Carina frowned, leaning down and kissing Maya's forehead before going into the kitchen. She made herself a plate of food, bringing it into the bedroom.
"Is it ok if I eat in here?" Carina asked before going in.
"Yeah," Maya said, nodding as she uncurled her body, sitting up a little.
Carina sat down, taking a bite of her food. Maya took a deep breath before looking at Carina.
"What happened tonight Bella?" Carina asked, putting a gentle hand on Maya's back.
"I… I just…" Maya stammered, taking another deep breath, "When I was a kid, I was not allowed to eat sweets. No candy, no cake, nothing and if I did, I would be punished. My dad controlled every part of my life and my diet was no exception. There was once, I was eight, and I went to a birthday party. I ate a little bit of cake and my dad made me run for over two hours in my jeans and converse. Another time, I was fourteen and I had just started my period and one of my friends gave me a small chocolate bar after practice because I was complaining about feeling bad. My dad didn't let me have anything to eat the entire weekend after that except for salad. He would tell me I was fat if I ate sweets or really junk food, and eventually, I just learned to not eat any of that and if I did, I started punishing myself like he did because I was terrified of disappointing him, of getting out of shape. It's one of those things that just seemed so normal to me until tonight and now I'm realizing this is just one more way he controlled me and messed me up."
Maya's voice broke as she finished and she brought her knees up to her chest, burying her face in her knees.
"Oh Bella," Carina said, setting down her plate and wrapping her arms around her girlfriend.
"I just want it to stop," Maya sobbed as she moved into Carina's embrace, "I just want to be able to live my life without having stupid stuff pop up that reminds me just how terrible my dad was."
Carina just held Maya as she cried.
"You're so beautiful," Carina whispered in Maya's ear as the sobs calmed, "Every part of you, you are so beautiful."
"I'm a mess," Maya said, keeping her face hidden from her girlfriend.
"You're not," Carina said, lifting Maya's face to look at her own, "You are absolutely beautiful."
Maya leaned in, kissing her gently.
"What do you want to do now?" Carina asked, brushing a tear off Maya's cheek.
"I don't know," Maya said, rubbing her eyes.
"Are you feeling up to eating something?" Carina asked, knowing Maya needed to eat.
"Maybe," the blonde said, "I really just want to go to sleep or go for a run."
"How about a bath?" Carina asked, knowing that usually calmed Maya down.
Maya nodded as Carina got up, going into the bathroom to start the tub. Maya followed her a minute later, finding Carina adding her favorite lavender Epsom salt to the bath water.
"You're the best," Maya said, going over to Carina, wrapping her arms around her.
"Come on," Carina said, turing around and pulling off Maya's shirt.
They undressed quickly before climbing into the bath together.
"Thank you for not running," Carina said, kissing Maya behind the ear.
"Thank you for not letting me," Maya said, turning her head to capture Carina's lips on her own.
"I'm sorry you're going through all of this," Carina said, holding her close.
"You don't have to apologize," Maya said, shaking her head, "You didn't do anything to make me like this. I'm sorry I'm so broken."
"You don't apologize either," Carina said, "All of this is a perfectly natural and normal reaction to everything you've been through. You're not broken Bella. You are human."
"How do you always know exactly what to say to make me feel just a little less terrible?" Maya asked.
"I'm only telling you the truth," Carina said gently, running her hands through Maya's hair.
They finished in the bath before changing into pajamas.
"Are you feeling up to some food now?" Carina asked as Maya brushed her short hair.
"Maybe," Maya said, shrugging, "Did you order fried rice?"
"Of course," Carina said, nodding, "Want me to get you some?"
"I'll get it," Maya said as they both walked into the kitchen.
Maya heated up some food before they sat down on the couch where the box of cannoli was still sitting from earlier.
"I can put these away," Carina said, going to close the box.
"No," Maya said, stopping her, "You don't need to do that. It's fine. You should have one."
Carina nodded, taking out a pastry as Maya took a bite of her dinner. They cuddled on the couch for a while after they were done, Carina just holding Maya close as the blonde drifted in and out of sleep, the exhaustion from the evening taking its toll.
As she fell asleep, Maya couldn't help but be grateful that if she had to face the demons of her past, at least she had someone as amazing as Carina to hold her through it.
What did you think? I have two, maybe three, more stories coming in the next few days. If you have any Marina prompts you would like to see me write, I'm always looking for them! I got one yesterday that I already have an idea for actually.